Funniest Heaven and Hell Jokes | Jim Gaffigan Standup

have you ever been asleep at night and you're awakened by a noise you're convinced is someone breaking in your house and they're going to kill you but instead of getting up and escaping you just go back to bed what is that a murderer i got to get some sleep can't kill me if i'm asleep that'd be embarrassing to get to heaven hey how'd you die i mean i was too lazy to get out of bed i heard the guy in the kitchen i thought i had an hour set my alarm for p.m instead a.m last time i ever did that my wife my wife's really catholic she's like a shiite catholic she's always worried about diablo so i joke around with her i'll call her up see who is this the devil well now moses led the israelites out of egypt and they wandered in the desert for 40 years i don't know about you but after a year i would been this moses doesn't know where the hell he's going i appreciate him getting us out of egypt we're in the desert folks as no agua they wouldn't say aqua and after moses parted the red sea did he say anything was he like ta-da how about them apples i'll stop some of your bitchin i don't know if that's chronologically accurate this guy's going to hell in two religions he's practically sprinting there am i the only friends at odd that heaven has gates gates what kind of neighborhood is heaven in would you die and you go to a gated community are the gates necessary yeah we had a lot of kids sneaking in using the pool those gates weren't easy we had to go down to hell get a contractor and everything hey i'm a contractor in tv and films you know whenever they show someone going to heaven they would show them going up an escalator you know like heaven's in a mall or something hey can we stop by orange julius that place isn't even open anymore heaven i hope heaven's nice we kind of built it up down here didn't we we compare everything into heaven it's like try this pie it's like heaven what if he got to heaven they're like no pie no pie on earth yeah those people aren't coming up here west virginia you know west virginia the state slogan of west virginia is almost heaven west virginia which sounds cool but that's not like the best promotion for heaven because based on that if i'm a good guy all my life when i die i'm going to a place a little bit better than west virginia i mean it's beautiful but that kind of makes me want to take another look at hell he went too far i didn't like that joke at all made me uncomfortable i prefer the cold to hot i do i know that's surprising looking at me given i look like a snowman but i prefer the cold you know last summer i was in las vegas it was 114 degrees 114 degrees you can actually hear the sun at that point it didn't feel safe i was like are we supposed to be here 114 like you're never at a friend's house you're warming here you're set the thermostat to 114. that's how i like it i'm part lizard thermostats don't even go up that high meat thermometers do i think god is just cooking people in vegas no one's smoking i love smoked meat it was 114 degrees which was shocking but not as shocking as how casually las vegas residents just went about their day in that heat it was like you're like let's play frisbee time to walk the dog i was like get inside the air is on fire get inside it begged for god's forgiveness you've obviously angered him that's why vegas is called sin city it's the same temperature as hell because they don't get to choose what they're the patron saint of right like saint bonaventure patron saying to bowel issues i'm not making that up bowel issues that talk about a promotion you don't want bon adventures in heaven saint peter comes and goes bonaventure you're a saint bonaverse is like yes yes am i the patron saint of scholars not scholars what am i the patron saint of bowel issues issues yeah you know when someone's getting a colonoscopy or say they're sitting on the toilet with ibs or explosive diarrhea and they're praying to god well we don't want them praying directly to god you would be like a conduit that way god's not talking to someone who's doing number two okay madrid i saw the statue of the devil you know there's a statue of the devil in madrid the fallen angel which that's the devil i don't know how that would even come up it's like who else you would do a statue of how about the devil who invited that guy no there's a statue of the devil in america we're taking down statues of the confederacy and spain a catholic country there's a statue of the antichrist like how do you even justify that well you know the devil you know it wasn't all bad you know devil did some good things you know he he went down in georgia he did that and yeah he uh you know he was an advocate he was the devil's advocate don't forget about those deviled eggs those are tasty i went and i saw it and the the statue of the devil is 666 meters above sea level i'm sure that's a coincidence hello we're all gonna die like wow why why so how tall should we make this a devil's statue sex sex sex well if you feel that strongly about it should we go with a fountain of blood just kidding yeah i was gonna say we can do a fountain i don't know where we get the blood i'll provide the blood the blood of virgins sorry i don't know what possessed me hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 129,373

Rating: 4.9029427 out of 5

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Id: Zd9nRJ3t3lY

Length: 7min 44sec (464 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 04 2020