Mum is Addicted to Fashion Catalogs | Spendaholics | Only Human

[Music] thumb firmly in the lowlands of Scotland is home to high spending yummy mummy 36 year old Lorraine Gardner I'm a housewife and I would say up for the fights against a lot of the time forget Desperate Housewives Lorraine loves a bit of glamour dressing up no matter what the cost oh love spending on everything really but I'd say I'm quite addicted to sort of like products and things and lovely you know you can see shopping you see the different colours and the bottles and I just thought I don't need them but it is plain even her two-year-old daughter Olivia is dressed in top fashions from plush catalogs I just spent quite a bit in catalogs and online as well Lorraine's gone from full-time advertising exec to full-time mum losing her 35,000 pound salary hasn't affected her spending although it has affected her husband I bloody stop spending so that it would totally take some pressure off me as a bad one of that that I don't have to feel that after what kept me out under the Sun in just two years Lorraine has piled up over 20,000 pounds worth of debt it's putting a strain on the overdraft as well as her marriage but is constantly arguing over money we don't argue anything else we get on fine we've a good time together enjoy talk of a laugh but the laughs are getting fewer no and that's not any good you know and it's due to the pleasure of money she needs help in the next four weeks lifestyle expert Jay hunt will put the kibosh on the catalogs psychological coach Benjamin Frye will try to find the source of Lorraine's spending addiction [Music] lorraine gardener is mum school taxi chef and cleaner for Harvey eight Olivia two and Steve thirty-six she used to be a high flyer in the world of advertising we're looking good was part of the job description now she's a housewife Lorraine gets the feel good factor from raiding the joint account hi yes can I place an order today please okay today the first one of nine nine one and that's nice twelve while the house is empty J and Benjamin borrow the keys and have a good nose around they want to find out where the money's going and why are they gonna see signs of overspending oh I'd like to see not really no I think I'm alright we'll just need to wait and see I think this is really interesting I come in here I don't see any evidence of somebody who's cluttering their life of stuff they're spending on yeah but you know what you don't see any evidence of children either it's like it's a child free zone it's a calming zone this is but there's none of those things like there's not 50 million videos or DVDs or CDs or loads of toys it's quite calming though I must say that you walk in and you kind of think oh but then you have to ask what is it that she needs to calm down from there's much more evidence and a really pared down simple and anally in control way of life up here here we go this is light downstairs isn't it very clean yeah but this is a very private room this isn't a public room so it must be that she really likes her space to be quite neat and Spartan and it's all quite under control isn't it I like things in the police we're the Arsenal where to get them so let's see that possibly someone coming in my house might think oh does she live here but I do oh look at this what you got it's so modern day girls yeah just like looking at catalog shopping not those gorgeous blokes in there no it's the top it's the skirts it's a real thing just lie in bed late night reading you know what's really surprising actually here's this house does not make you think this woman is a Shopaholic no there's no evidence of stuff everywhere you'd expect there to be wardrobe spilling out with purchases see this is interesting yeah this is an expensive very nice shop jo Malone sells fantastic handles and perfumes the kind of very nice packaging she keeps a package oh it's just something to make you feel good you know if you're sort of not tough a week or something and you think oh my god the kids are playing up or whatever you know and I'm not going out or whatever nothing oh I quite fancy getting something nice and I'll buy something like maybe the jewel Malone or maybe a nice product or something like that you know a client's body cream or whatever but it's it's not all the time I do that but it's just quite nice to buy something nice for yourself it's a real a love affair with the process and not really the result because we don't see the result here but we see in her finances and in the packaging that she loves the rush thrill it is I think it's a rebellion because I think that this house shows a real sense of neatness and of being buttoned up and I think we'll find that the shopping is her way of screaming a rebellion rocks isn't it for a two-year-old who's gonna grow out of stuff to do some wardrobe yeah no kid who grows about one foot a month these are all tops tops tops in fact that's more clothes than I've got yeah I'm not growing out of them in three weeks time yeah that is quite a lot of stuff I think we're finding our Peas I get a buzzer of buying Olivia clothes just as much as I do but also she's a little girl you know and I mean it's so tempting sort of pressured as well you know like all these little girls clothes that everybody your goals are so lovely to be they laid out the colors the feeling of them said it's buy all the time Benjamin yes look at this this is like stock compared to the rest of the house but look organic organic everything's these special Rangers never my finest pizzas quite interesting that's a lot of money I mean it's nice food and nice stuff to give your family will come to tell me what strikes me about it having wandered through the house to get here is how the fridge is stuffed in a way that the house is actually quite Spartan yeah suggest perhaps that the vehicle for warmth and love in this house is through the kitchen through the food there's no sign of clutter and no trace of any receipts or bank statements can they find the center of this financial black hole lorraine finds it easy to pile on her twenty thousand pound debt by using her three catalogue accounts and her beloved maestro card marketing manager husband steve fills the kitty while lorraine drains it out i don't know where items are coming from a lot of what they're costing but it never seems to be any more less than the account at the end of the month he wants it to stop it's time to administer a heavy dose of reality [Music] hello Lorraine hi yeah how are you I'm Benjamin we laid a little trail for you you will notice that these pages actually represent something what do you think that hundreds of catalogs come and take a closer look you'll never get your way through this maze turning you can use this as a way to find your redemption why do you think we do this cuz I'll missus spend too much time do you know how much you spend I'm sin yes and Norwich like can I get a bit lost sometimes well there's 1200 catalogs here which represent each of them five pounds cuz in the last year you've spent six thousand pounds no weight on your catalog spending Lorraine you look a bit Sheltie alright I'm alright I'd survive I am shocked yeah uh-huh yeah I'm actually I'm not often speechless or Franco mmm-hmm yeah I'm quite gutted actually well it's designed to be a show yeah yeah well what's the first step in your treatment well we've got something else to show you as well oh okay oh my goodness oh do you recognize anything in here yeah some of the outfits Olivia yeah cuz some of them you may have never even actually used no no I don't know someone haven't used actually no to know therefore why we're here probably tell me she's got too many clothes and I've spent too much money on let me give you the difficult information here these are $20 20 mannequins yeah yeah and each one of them represents a hundred pounds that you have spent in the last year on her clothes so that makes two thousand pounds this is quite a lot for a two-year-old does it upset you to confront the information to think maybe you should cut back because you think Ashley's above you it doesn't want that really wants to buy her things I do want to buy our things all the time much and I think it will be quite difficult going into shops and seeing things I most look lovely or no I mean nor the keys and I have actually walked past things you know and just sitting oh you can't have it Betty really little fairly really I just Norma pick up and saying oh well deal with the consequences another time well I know well listen don't panic because we are here to help you so we're gonna go next door and just sit down and talk realistically about money yeah [Music] what I wants to ask you is how much do you think you get through in an average week I mean I think I get through about I suppose under pound possibly with fit shopping and things like that that's what you think is okay because we've been through all the statements if we worked out how much you spend on an average week do you want to see how much it is what you spend on an average week is 609 pounds in a week and for TP that is how much you get through in an average week it's interesting is that you've got 200 pounds in your head that the reality is 609 pounds 40 there's 400 pounds every week that's going out that's completely unaccounted for that you're not getting a big hit from spending it's sort of disappearing into the miasma and nobody's aware of where it's going but that's quite a large amount every week to be building up which is probably why all debts it just yeah yeah what we're gonna do is work out how much do you think you can survive on for the next seven days bearing in mind that you have got to do the family shopping yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the thing yeah okay so what do you reckon 200 pounds I think I don't know well I'm gonna get that for Clancy you're gonna give me that and think there you go so in your mind so you want me to even go lower than that if I wasn't to buy the foods and things and I would say I'm a girl he was like forty fifty criticism by any non-essential items you've got something yeah yeah yes I have so do you reckon during the next seven days mm-hmm if we really cut back on your budget you could utilize all that food yeah but we could actually yeah I mean probably just things that milk can that have to sort of the plan is quite frequently the boys like the milk and things but otherwise what we thought would be fair would be if we gave you 70 quid mm-hmm okay to be able to buy food for the family use up the stuff yeah there's a bonus so that you can have a copy of my magazine we're gonna give you the nine pounds Oh lovely okay she will 79 pounds deliver the short sharp shock that Laraine needs I've never tried to live in that size of budget before not even when I was single so trying to to work on that kind of budget you know and 75 75 pounds 90 what was it they gave me I can't remember now as a short little it was actually 70 quid or something something like that but no I haven't no not not take a budget for everybody definitely not so it will be a challenge for me yeah [Music] Lorraine likes to serve up fresh healthy food and usually spends around 150 pounds on the main shop with top ups throughout the week yesterday was a fasting shopping whether that's has been about 58 pounds and if you feel quite good actually I'm walking past big bottles of water and thinking you don't need to learn you can filter your MOT and just get small bottles for the boys something that cold turkey means giving the cold shoulder to ready-made and premium ranges instead she has to make meals from scratch using cheaper ingredients some stuff of memory for those carrots but I don't make no allusion to nuts [Music] by mid-week the contents of the fridge are looking less and less inspiring find it quite difficult just sort of going into fritter thinking oh that's nothing really that nice to New York's I've run out of strawberries and things like that we normally would have it quite jam-packed by day for Lorraine is on her knees and rifling through the freezer hunting down those long-forgotten purchases sit down I so I'm not really that impressed by it now because I've got about four pounds left out of the 79 pounds that had really at the end of the day I'm being a prisoner in my own home because I'm not doing anything so don't spend any money it's very boring having to count pennies all the time it's not me there's no deal spontaneity to your life when you're doing a budget but one person is impressed with Lorraine's determination it's going down a treat with husband Steve leaning cool talk he was great wash every week could be cool turkey week I knew that whatever was coming at that count was what I was taking out there count so that was much easier to manage I wouldn't see I want duck to have that kind of focus every week because life isn't all about certain check my balance and a budget sheet every night and checking and taking the extra don't you bet you're sticking to that but at least she's been aware of it and over the last ten years or so she's never been aware of it the same woman who gets through over 600 pounds a week has survived on just 79 it's the first time Lorraine saved money in ten years of marriage an historic moment worth celebrating you've got paid in I didn't think about and it was nice not to get a rose overspending this week so Steve was really chuffed on to spend a tip and I spent and I think you'll see a big difference and I Duke on a new budget not me it's pain but more but I think you'll see a big difference because I'm going to really look after the money we'll try my hardest and sort myself out so I'm going to go nice a Saturday night so I'm gonna go and enjoy myself and have a few drinks I'm on my husband [Music] fullerene cold turkey went down like a lead balloon full of sumo wrestlers cam J persuade her to make cutbacks much more common now what we've done is gone through your budget and the first thing that we wanted to suggest you was that you actually had your own account again alright because part of the problem is that you don't know how much you've spent how much there's left because it's a never-ending pot that you just take from whereas if it was a finite amount every month in your own account I think that would give you a greater sense of control almost like you used to do when you were working it's also a control thing I don't want to be told what to do and I don't think Steve wants to tell me either really yeah I'm not that kind of person so it would be quite good if I have more control over what I've got yeah you know so I can see where I'm going wrong okay so the first area that we really wanted to talk about was the groceries because as you said you do like to go and buy the finest ranges and buy quite a lot of stuff and Union spending seven hundred pounds a month on food now we'd like to recommend that we aim to try and get that down to four hundred pounds a month I mean we do understand that you're obviously shopping for a family not just for you and we're not suggesting in any way that you cut back on the quality things that you like buying it's just maybe looking at different ways that you shop now shoes and clothes at the moment you've been spending three hundred and fifty pounds a month and we're going to cut that to two hundred which I don't think is really that bad I'll try it but I think I was thinking more 250 because for me the kids let me know every month or of China you know maybe seasonally I don't know Jay wants Lorraine to cut a third of her spending this would save her 200 pounds a week to start choosing you know what I think is important you know and what I really want on a regular basis I didn't get myself a cheat so but I do know that and that might be sitting here if I wasn't going to give it a go but I think I'll find it tough though getting on top of her finances begins with a spotted pen-pushing [Music] [Applause] [Music] lorraine loves her shopping and giving it up will be like pulling teeth with the tweezer but Benjamin's ready to help he wants to get straight to the heart of Lorraine's problem and the constant urge to burn money you mentioned you an only child can you tell me a little bit about yeah I was an only child till I was about nine and my sister came along your parents quite young when they had him yeah yeah I think my mom was like what 21 to 20 21 hmm as a child Lorraine had everything a girl could wish for as well as her parents Lorraine was doted on by her loving grandparents we used to do the basically spend all my weekends with them all the time so that was quite a big influence in my life and loved that you know I was quite spoiled as a child and I think with grandparents and parents you do get out of things so you tend to sort of expect things you know I mean I do remember - fantastic Christmases you know I mean the whole line was full of presents which when I think back now I think that was ridiculous you know one child doesn't need all that you know but when she was 8 years old her world fell apart within a single year both grandparents died and her father walked out my ground died first she was only 49 so that was quite tough when I was about eating a bit and then granddad died about nine months later so it was quite and between that my dad left as well so if you mean people I see in my life you know what a young child can await remembered did your father have a conversation with you at all when he left about leaving basically it just gonna happened you know the suitcase was brought out and someone was there and I thought oh you officer going somewhere you know I'm just wondering what changed also obviously change in terms of your material world we moved quite quickly was that cover sort of just ripped out of where we live oh definitely yeah because if you think you might do your dad left and you moved yes obviously less yes even as a child you could sense there was less abundance and while you're buying you're returning yourself to that glorious age in your life when you work an 8 evidencing yeah and I was giving it I wasn't having to buy it because that's the childlike delusion about money but it just comes out of the hole in the hole I was quite childlike with it and I didn't actually think but can you see why it's so important to be childlike about it you see if you're compensating for an inner loss or an inner need yeah by layering over that many material gratification they'll never last they'll never be enough no that's why I'm sitting here it's like a matter it's like it's like medicine it wears off there's something there that you lost I think as a child part of you mm-hmm does that make sense yeah yeah but I don't know if you can get it back at 36 or you know the way to get it back is to complete the process of in a way grieving for what you lost yeah and that's fundamentally grieving what you've lost in yourself and you'll find then that you don't actually get back exactly what you had before but you move on you know the there's closure and then you're released into a sort of into a different sense of self tell me - another one - sorry I think I know what you're gonna tell me to do now don't worry - it's good - my mom and my dad and being a most of it hmm it's difficult just take a moment I think Lorraine suffered some serious setbacks in her early childhood it sounds like she had everything a little girl could need at least materially up to the age when her grandparents died and her father left I think around that time she shut down emotionally it doesn't seem like her mother was the source of comfort that she might have needed during that time and she really had nowhere else to go with her feelings as a result I think feelings like anger and like sadness have become very difficult for her to manage and she's spending as a result of bottling those up and I feel really down so I'm not quite sure but I'm going to go from here actually I am looking forward to speaking to Benjamin again and we were trying to work out how I can sort things out for myself because I do know know if I can sort a couple of motions that have problems with and I know that hopefully will help me had to deal with things in the future and also you know a happy a whole whole person rather than always wanting something I'm never really going to get it because I lost it years ago and stopped hunting for it since our visit the vain German that's gonna be the thing cut a lot bit more about you know why she is the way she is and I think that's been quite upsetting for her I think that's been quite hard and that's the can upsetting bet that it's been hard to watch her can I go through I suppose freeze and sport no pain no gain and I think hopefully she'll come over a whole lot stronger Lorraine has made a big step forward just by recognizing these childhood issues it's been hard but the hope is that Lorraine will start to reassess why she spends days taking a fresh approach to the family food bill stocking up on organic fruit and veg cost Lorraine ninety pounds a week at the supermarket J thinks she could cut costs with a weekly visit direct to the source of the food an organic farm 30 minutes from home so to read tell me why you like buying organic food I think because I know V I know that it's found in a certain way and then yeah the less pesticides and nasty things are computing to my board as well as our kids a better yeah it tastes myself that's true so when you come somewhere like this and you can see that they're growing all these leeks and you kind of know the history and what pesticides and things they're not using yeah does that give you confidence in buying it does actually yeah so would you be prepared to make a bit more effort to come to places like this if it meant that you could still buy really nice organic things within your budget yeah okay shopping experience yeah you still get to shop yeah just in different places produce from this local farm is sold in its shop come and meet James James this is Lorraine pleased to meet you this is James's farm isn't it that's right and you buy what percentage would you say organic fruit and veg ninety-five percent you know it's all pretty much organic a triangle for so if you can find it then yeah if I can find it then I will definitely buy it do you do deliver it at all with a very user fantastic website so you could be using the Internet to do this shopping instead of catalog shopping stuff yeah I quite like that for those bums what do you reckon because that's what you want to do isn't it let's just have a good old I think all organic never looks quite as pretty as all those false looking fruit tea space it's really good really good really I think you better get a basket that's it and fill it fill it carefully for the rain eating organically is dear to her heart but dear on the walnut from the farm shop produce some bargains [Music] at these prices Lorraine can save money without selling out her standards [Music] Lorraine was clearly upset the last time she met Benjamin the death of her grandparents in the same year as her parents separation still affects her deeply to help achieve closure Benjamin's asked Lorraine to visit the grave of those much miss grandparents we're here because I want you to investigate how you feel about that loss that sadness any anger that comes with that basically all your feelings that I think when neglected around the age of nine when you lost so much that was important to you because you spoke quite movingly about that this is a point of contact with that it's not everything but it's just one way for you to investigate how that is for you and how you can cope how do you feel about doing that thing yeah I'll do it but I'd quite like to do it privately you know sometime on your own [Music] I haven't been to look on a grander scale for a couple of years now it's like when you start walking up that long walk and you can see the Greve rate at the end it's a horrible sinking feeling because I think it's making you face the reality again of that we aren't here and I think Benjamin has made me think more about why I go back to that time of my life because probably when everything was perfect to dad my grandparents my mom my dad I look sister towards the end when my grandparents died something did go inside me with them I'm hoping that it will trigger for her some kind of release of the sadness that she carries around because I do believe it's the repression of this sadness that is the reason that she feels she needs to shop if she can relate to the sadness if she can connect with the loss then I think she may be able to see where the shopping comes from do you feel like these feelings of loss yeah and I find it I really believe face on and always half done you know and and I'll have my cried and I walk leads off I know and yet there's still huge big you know Paul when he died I can't ever remember being totally embraced you know I get no real cuddling feeling comfortable about it I've always you know not being comfortable with people showing their real emotion to me because I'm like that don't do motions thanks very much you know I don't cuddle me too much because I'm not that comfortable with unless I really want to so a feeling that that's possibly what I do when I go back to doing shopping that's what I'm doing is thinking well I can't embrace you as much as maybe you would want Steve because I don't look quite sure I don't feel comfortable doing it that don't love you but don't quite feel comfortable to do that so what I'm going to do is I'm going to go out and we make myself feel good because I've bought myself things you know but I've never quite made the connection as raw as that before well that's what I brought you here to fine mm-hmm all these feelings they're very strong in you hmm and you're quite scared of them oh I am yeah I don't like facing this yeah and it's that work that will get you beyond the irresistible urge to spend money in the way you do mm-hmm Benjamin feels this is progress Lorraine has started to consider the reasons behind her spending but persuading had to change her lifelong habits won't be easy at 36 Lorraine loves to look good and she wants her two-year-old toddler to follow in her Gucci footsteps with no income of her own she's been getting cashed up by dipping into the joint account and there's an awful lot of dipping she's got expensive tastes in fashion face cream and food do you know how much you spend at over 20,000 pounds in debt there's a lot of work to be done but Lorraine is finding making the changes hard work while you're buying you're returning yourself to that glorious age and your life and you're kinda eight and certainly saying yeah I do actually yeah I do after two weeks Jay and Benjamin realized Lorraine is at a critical point Edinburgh is the venue for a team talk keeping her motivated is the number one priority I'm finding the rein quite sort of nice to deal with that she she's very open and receptive to new ideas I think she struggles with our identity and I don't think she's unusual in that so I think a lot of women in her position do I mean she used to have really quite a busy buzzy career and she's had to make the switch from doing that into being effectively full-time mother and I think while she finds it quite rewarding there are certain areas that she doesn't feel all her creativity and all those things are met and I think she gets very very frustrated by that and so the vent for it is to just do this whole shopping thing and I think shopping has become the way in which she shows her identity there's a real trap here because what happens is Lorraine goes shopping she comes home Steve gets irate about that because he's worried about the money Lorraine then gets even more furious and that propels the to go out shopping again and there's a problem here that unless we address them as a couple and as a family this situation could just spiral out of control because her urge to spend is quite strong isn't it yeah oh yeah I mean she is a real spender and she's become ingrained in those habits and I think you're right what I want to do is to find something that gives her a sense of fulfillment she can put down her wife hat put down her mother hat it's basically about finding something that the rain finds really fulfilling for her I sort of treat if you like but something that's not going to cost her a fortune lorraine used to give presentations to advertising executives nowadays her involvement with personal brands is much more hands-on [Music] Jay's aware that Lorraine is trying hard to work with her new budget but she knows her own still needs to fill the void left by giving up work Jay's invited her to the windswept pleasures of a local beach [Music] is gorgeous um oh I hear you've been doing so well alright that what we thought is we've got some kit up there so we thought that you might like to come riding out the beach because it's only 17 pounds an hour and we thought you deserved a treat and it might be something that you could start doing for yourself are you going on I am day one but I'm slightly nervous does that mean on a horse for a long time you don't have to write here I promise Lorraine used to be a keen horse rider but she hasn't sat in the saddle in years Lorraine are you having a good time it's quite surprising yourself so bottoms are there you go the fact that it's on the beach it's a lovely day [Music] [Applause] it's a real change for the rain to be out in the fresh air and away from her usual routine of course work and shopping [Music] how's that you surprised me I tell you not really nervous at the beginning but you say I mean but they're just look gorgeous yeah and not looked at there was really good coming for an hour's ride like this it will cost 17 pounds an hour which is not that expensive but also I think there's an added bonus which is that you're going to be outside you're on horseback and even you couldn't be logging on or flicking through catalogues then singing what else you'd be spending in that hour I reckon a fun value as long as you stay away from now sifting - and looking for new riding kids yes but I've only got something for raising but yeah I know what you mean actually I'm too busy but also what I think is really nice about it is you know I've enjoyed it thank you very much you know and I absolutely shattered my legs are killing me my bottom is killing me so I think I went a long way to go to actually get used to sitting on a horse again but it's taught me that really what I need to do is get something more into my life because really up until now over the last few years I would see all that it's consisted off as out so the shopping has done absolutely nothing else wasn't leagues been actually quite shallow and quite quite dull being a full-time mom and housewife can be frustrating for someone who was such a career high flyer when Steve tries to raise the family finances Lorraine tends to boil over he gets angry because she feels I'm attacking her I'm not criticizing her as a mother or as a way for the way that she runs a household but I think the Dean thinks I am because she would automatically go into you know you're working all the time and I'm left to deal with this and that and you know it's the best I could do there I'm not getting any help down the house so I was stressed so I went and bought that because I was really tired and I needed to make myself feel a bit better Benjamin wants Lorraine to channel this anger more creatively and when it comes to stress relief you can't beat hitting something hard here we are right the kendo dojo and here is your instructor Cherie I did it yeah today we're gonna focus on anger because your problem I think is that you've been too much sometimes stuck with either just freezing everything off or then exploding yeah under the constant triggers of domestic life and the idea is to learn to respond with an appropriate level of aggression that leaves you in control before attacking someone it's always nice to show some manners control yourself in nearby Glasgow Lorraine's teacher Gerry is a member of the British kendo team but this is no play fight Lorraine will have to give it some welly and take some knocks discipline is paramount keeping ahead means keeping control and this means keeping control of her frustration and anger something Naren is unused to we already are tiring very emotional oh we're beginning to slow them the middle ground between ignoring yourself and blowing I think because a victim I get angry who think it's sto something I'm always so sorry I did I'll get like this you know you don't deserve it but then I don't deserve to get to this dear I get what topic what we wanted to do is to be able to be aggressive but in a controlled way so that you can understand anger then allows you to use it as an instrument as what its purposes is to help you to communicate to other people what you really want what you need to happen where your limits are and without that other people don't know who you are one more session goes [Music] that's good [Music] got it the force is strong in this one [Music] that was that get brilliant well I'm really impressed I don't know how you feel Jess I suppose she did very well exceeded my expectations beyond belief well done right thanks I'm quite confident that Lorraine will now be able to understand and cope with their own anger and sad and it's better however these are emotions that tend to flare up in the home and with her family I think maybe it's time for me to help her and her husband learn how to navigate these situations with less argument I'm going to try to teach them a relationship technique that I know that can help them to have less confrontation in their daily life so I know money is an issue I mean tell me individually how money and behavior around money and talking about money is affecting you as a couple I think I only gangly about it when I go to the accountant to get money out or there's no money there or I'm at work I fall no go and say hello 13 there's no money in the account say what do you mean there's no money Nick oh no I got paid last week we can't have gone through all that money under each do for Geoff and already that just kind of happened well has it and it's only when I come home I say who's the money gone what are these bags for what you doing we haven't got the money to do this so so that's can I have a feel about it so the emotions you're going through is kind of fear and then anger yeah what I'm gonna do is we're just going to do a little exercise as a roleplay technique for communicating anything you want while staying safe so it doesn't escalate this is how it goes you're basically gonna follow a very strict format right okay and it starts with one of you saying to the other I've got something I need to talk about is now a good time so in this example you'd be static ste so please turn to Lorraine say that I've got something important to talk about is a good time yeah mm-hmm right now what you do is you make a short statement and then what you do Laraine is you say I heard you say X did I get that right so you've got something to say now is a good time you can say it to the rain I'd like to look at what we do with the family finances to get that point where we don't go overdrawn ever again yeah and what I think you saying to me is we want to work together to sort out their finances but that I actually stopped spend oh you know I don't overspend do you only that's what I think I think you see I can ask you to do this again okay and I would like you Lorraine to try to say what I heard you say was and then repeat it word for word and then say is that correct okay some try that again okay well I think you said to me was we'd like to speak to me about actually I'm looking at the money and sorting out so that we don't go overdrawn again you know is that correct is that correct yeah yes I'm just gonna ask you how does that feel false hasn't it feel for you okay yeah actually I'm slightly more relaxed we'll do it the other way now and I would like you to sit down with me and IG a budget that I can stick to for the whole family Oh smarty pants is this a good time to chat yes it seems clear to Benjamin that Lorraine and Steve have a close relationship it's not long before they're feeling sufficiently relaxed to really let rip every weekend of a morning you've either got a sore throat and I saw it had something that that means I've got to get out with the kids every weekend and I'd like to know that at least one week one morning every weekend I know that's mine and there be no pressure to call me to do anything else for anybody else look yeah look here you're seeing is then you think I faked illnesses so that I god we arts my tongue you think a fake illnesses so that you we try and stick word for word because otherwise the interpretation starts an argument what you wanted to say is I would like to know that I have one warning at the weekend that's mine to do with mmm but actually you start a bit defensively by saying that you you is ill and you by the way easily what you what you did you started with you and you see what happens because Lorraine still slightly stung before that little exchange you're actually touching your his leg with your foot your legs were the other way around after that we still talk about it you shifted your body and your legs have gone the other way around so you were open and next to him with your body language and now you're away so I'm gonna ask you to put your feet back around the other okay evidence I'm gonna ask you to do it again each once yeah this time I want you to bring something positive I'm really pleased for the way that you've tackled this all exercise I'm very proud of you in terms of what you're putting yourself through and I just want to say thanks very much for putting your heart and soul want it and I feel that you know I noticed quite a large shift in the energy between you when I first invited you to find something to say to each other you were quite hesitant and nervous which is a sign of there being so much to say you don't really know where to start and we just took you know we've made little inroads into it and you began to feel the relief and with the relief came back the connection the affection the gratitude and dare I say that the love so you just have to learn to manage conflict instead and once you get that when someone's on your side together you can solve any problem with family issues out in the open it's Jay's turn to deal with a small but very expensive member of Lorraine's clan this year despite her debts Lorraine has spent over 2,000 pounds on clothes for her daughter Olivia lorraine used to make her own dresses by dusting down her sewing skills she could save hundreds of poems part of this whole process is really to get you to see things differently looking things differently and use some of the skills that maybe you haven't used for a while especially your creative skills so I bought used to meet somebody today so I'm hopeful it's going to inspire you now this is Caroline this is Lorraine also in shop and Seth has her own label which makes children's clothes and because of your love Olivia's clothes we thought it might be quite a fun thing for you to explore how you'd feel about maybe designing something for her yourself or making something have you ever made anything myself obviously yeah I've met Jessie's I've made lots of things you know if you're starting out is there some things Caroline that are easier than others probably a little skirt like this this is this is dead easy to really there you go Caroline's colleague Nikki takes her through the cutting out stages [Music] and how much does that cost to buy all of that it's not a great deal of money I would have thought you were looking at about a pound so the parents of a material how much would you normally spend on a skirt looking at that type of sort of material and things I mean pull over 16 pounds depending on you know where you buy it yeah if you'd seen that hanging up for 20 quid you wouldn't have thought that was too much we'd have bought to thinking it's lovely you know with a little top or something yeah yeah we'd have done that with this summer that's him so a bit of effort we're 19 pounds yeah I've thought about going on pattern cutting courses and things but never really quite got around to doing it and I think that's the story of my life if I was ever anybody was ever to write something about me with nice enough girl but never quite got around to doing it and I don't want to waste my life from 37 this year nearly 37 and I've got a lot to offer lots of things you know and I think I'm I will become a more happier rounded person if I have something that I can see this is mine the homemade skirt finally comes together even if its own is a bit rusty so this was sort of a poster notice what was going on here that has got all people here from software and that's it [Music] but yeah I do like the skills it it gives you some nice feeling actually to know that you can make something I think maybe if I use this sort of skills I can go tonight skill it's all a couple of times I've eaten beer you know if I can use these skills and then do that and then us I don't know if I'll ever get a chance I'd start selling anything but you know I don't know that's something that that's intrigued this set my mind thinking about things anyway that's a good start new challenges are opening up new avenues and Lorraine is looking towards her future and Olivia seems pleased with mums handiwork four weeks ago 36 year old housewife Lorraine was twenty thousand pounds in depth and blowing six hundred pounds a week on luxury food and clothing is a lake lucerne Lord with lead lifestyle expert Jay Hunt has taught Lorraine to stifle her spending and shown their satisfaction in sharpening her creative edge [Music] psychological coach Benjamin Frey has helped Lorraine recognize childhood trauma and come to terms with emotions tucked away for 28 years these changes to Lorraine have made a huge difference at home the shopping bill was already been cut although explain has just been being cut but a few nice meals out no because we haven't been more money to do it I joined a night class doing my dress making again doing a fashion she's already got ideas of the kind of Jo she wants for a big Christmas night out and there's no way she's buying it she's making it now Benjamin and Jay have come back to Dunfermline to see Lorraine's progress very well what I feel good actually so you're doing an evening class in fashion I am yeah oh really enjoying that it's just give me that kickstart thinking right you started your money you haven't got the money to spend in the shop yeah get on out there and sort yourself folks he's quite in place he wants me to do some other stuff for him are you serious back up the queue yeah so it's it has been a turn around for me I think you've been very brave them and I've noticed that you really took the courage to say I need to change yes many people is the hardest step of all and then you've gone forward with all of this and I think particularly on the emotional and psychological journey it has been really challenging for you but you've been brave enough to say I'm now at an age in my life where I will deal with this ya know the Momentum's with you hopefully your push will not go back I'll never go back to the way it was definitely not I'll work within my budget and I am already seeing changes and have a look at things you know it's been a journey and it's still ongoing so in the main areas at all in place and that's one really chocolate over the last few weeks this isn't all just been about money but it's all been about what she's gonna do with her life changes have been clear if we can maintain them then a off the bus but I'm really proud of what she's done so far I'll always be the same with a little I love nice things that's teaching myself that life can still be full of nice things it doesn't have to cost the absolute air and you can get a little bit more satisfaction in just shopping you click on-screen for more videos of extraordinary humans you

Channel: Only Human

Views: 254,608

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Id: NxTtWjSaaxM

Length: 56min 18sec (3378 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 12 2020