Bankrupting My Mother with Uncontrollable Spending Habits | Spendaholics | Only Human

Gartside is 27 and lives in Manchester over the past five years he's clocked up a debt of 29,000 127 pounds from constant nights out and a growing wardrobe of designer clothes I think from the age of 14 I've always had to have kind of like the new thing Graham's got a fashion degree and one thing it seems to have taught him is a unique appreciation for Vivienne Westwood a shop where the cheapest shirt is a hundred and fifty pounds while Vivienne is cashing in Graham's bank balance is losing out it's quite a bit but it doesn't seem that worrying because the main part of it is to my mother Graham may not be worried but his mother is over the last year she's loaned Graham 20,000 pounds I need to learn to say no but Graham won't take no for an answer he hates staying in preferring to treat his friends to endless rounds of drinks and always arriving by his preferred method of transport a shiny black cab I know that she's not gonna be around forever and I don't know what to do if she wasn't I need to learn to stand on my own two feet quickly but it seems the journey from debt might be a bumpy with it move out move out move out move but at least mines paid on time and it's my mother so she shouldn't have to do it for you move out [Music] eight months ago Graham was working in marketing but threw in the towel knowing his mum would subsidize his spending since then he's been a gentleman of leisure preferring to shop than work Graham is on first-name terms with all the boutique managers in Manchester and they love to see him as he flexes his mother's credit card yeah I said you've got to have that it's a naughty boy so what do we say Graham they say thank you mum Graham's been so relaxed about raiding the maternal piggy bank that he's only just started working again doing a casual 15 hours a week in a bar earning 67 pounds 50 because she's paid for my phone bills she's paid my rent it's in fact she pays for everything when I'm still keen and sends the test goes on the writing with my shotgun for me but the question remains whether Graham can break from this comfort zone and go it alone it's time to bring on the experts Jay Hunt and Benjamin fry who have just five weeks to try to help Graham redress his mother's bank balance lifestyle expert Jay will show Graham how his fashion degree can come into good use outside the designer shops you know your mum can afford Vivienne Westwood and psychological coach Benjamin Fry will look at the emotional issues behind Graham spending how do you feel about that kind of dynamic that basically you're failing to support yourself Grahame lives in a rented house in Cheatham Hill 10 minutes from Manchester City Centre with his flatmate Steph Ben and Lisa [Music] although Benjamin and Jay have never met bran before they have been lent the keys to his house Benjamin's looking for psychological motives behind his spending while Jay is looking for where the money's actually going quite neat no it's Dolly Parton I didn't know Cliff Richard was his dad and Cliff Richard I thought it was family photos over here Sound of Music beaches Oklahoma Sunset Boulevard Hello Dolly tell me the truth did you put those two mobile phones it's unusual 170 pounds 74 that's one month's phone bill on one phone my god right I'm taking all of these and those yeah right let's take these Graham wasn't impressed by the network on the first phone contract his mother took out so after a bit of persuasion her husband David took out a second one for Graham in January we paid 480 parents in mobile phone bills for Graham and we had to pay it because otherwise I get a bad credit rating which I don't want thank you very much Wow look at this hair products these aren't cheap ceramic hair straighteners I could use someone there's one thing you can't miss in Graham's room wow this clothes rail that is a lot of Vivienne Westwood clothes I can spot that yes would his father just like stood westward westward westward it's all for one show yeah I mean that is thousands and thousands of pounds with this stuff there is Vivienne Westwood like one of the most expensive shops well little bit it's kind of a it's obviously his thing so I mean that even the shoes Wow you know I know cuz I've seen these she's there about 300 325 pounds for Howard Hughes's planes and not really worn either obviously the the his canvases himself whose home is relatively irrelevant okay let's take them we know where it's going my parents I guess to me matters more than a lot of other things I don't smoke I don't particularly like cars I might as well spend them on my clothes so yes it does mean a lot to me Graham has a partial for everything designer including expensive cocktails in manchester city center bars the problem is he likes to be seen as the man who can fund everyone else's good night out - I'm very generous with my mum's money and I'm very generous with my mom's money to other people first person buy around basically and it's just you've already seen any was friends buying drinks now I think about it Grahame seems to pay for most of the takeaways and wine and taxis makes me quite happy to do stuff for other people and it always has but I think my mom was quite the same though that's what she used to do yeah and I do it too for Graham there's only one way to travel by cab up to three of them a day my dad used to somewhat very well I think Graham he wants to live a champagne lifestyle and my dad used to say on a brown ale income but he's not even on a brown ale income Graham I think he's on a lemonade income forget the taxes get on a bus Graham you know like the rest of the world gets on a bus because a bus ticket might cost him a pound and a taxi fare will cost him ten pound you know get on a bus or walk there only 10 minutes from Manchester where he lives at the moment he could walk Graham's been taking advantage of his mum Eileen's generosity since he was a teenager my knees on a night out and needing money he doesn't head to the cash point he texts his mum for an immediate transfer of cash and he doesn't give up easily first of all I broach it by sending a text message go in mum you know how much I love you I need to ask you a favor please don't shout at me and it always starts like that so then she'll bring me and it's kind of like this merry dance that we do she'll ring me I'll ignore the phone call once just because I know she's gonna start shouting the minute she gets on the end of the phone then she'll text me going it will answer your phone then so then I'll ring her back and then I'll explain and then she'll say no so then they usually result to me hanging the phone upon and then I'll ring it back again and say I'm sorry and say that I really needed and then she usually keeps it and gives it to me and she always says it's gonna be the last time and it never is the last time so he knows exactly know which buttons to press to get more money out of mummy but the point now is that we're reaching the stage where there isn't any more money for Graham to come to me for and he knows that I've told him that I need now haven't been well myself I need to work towards my retirement in five and a half years time and I need to start saving some money for mummy Eileen teaches art in a secondary school and her salaries been stretched to the limit by the constant transfers into Graham's bank account for the first time she's going through her online statements to see just how many transactions she has made to Graham 13th of December Graham doubts I'd 50 pounds 13th of December Graham Gartside another 50 pounds 20th of December Graham Gartside 50 pounds 20th of December Graham Gartside 120 pounds plus the rent plus the shopping 22nd of November 30 pounds and then again another 50 pounds so that must have been a second demand 17th of September Graham 200 pounds 20th of September Graham 200 pounds I don't want to go back any further what am i working for to fund Graham's champagne lifestyle and socializing can't do that anymore can I certainly shut myself I knew we'd had a lot of money but 600 pounds in a week three thousand pounds in a previous week I would never have believed it until I'm actually just sat and looked back now with mum savings running low it's time for Graham to face some home truths [Music] Benjamin and Jay have identified grams to most excessive areas of spending they've come to Manchester to give it to him straight I think this is getting the point across Graham he's run away Oh Graham come with me I've got a bit of a surprise for you okay cuz I gather you've got one or two debts I wanted to yeah couple of things are really stood out one of them is about to come around the corner right now oh my gosh yes you know what that is public transport yeah that's a big red bus there's his friend another thing I'm gonna tell you that we have for you today 18 taxis because on average you spend 18 pounds every single day on taxis what you have to realize is that that comes to six thousand five hundred and seventy pounds a year now it's hitting home is this something you'd like to change to try to help your debt definitely well when you tell me it's that much money yeah all right that works can you do me a favor can you find this at accident I need to show you some more stuff we might as well take the one of the back he'll save me 20 P okay do you ever get on a bus or use the train or anything is it always a taxi once in a blue moon but when I want to be somewhere I want to be somewhere and you just don't get that going on the bus but the shocks not over yet Jay and Benjamin have got another trick up their sleeve so close your eyes keep your eyes shut grey your eyes shut [Music] now Graham yes you may open your eyes and I want your eyes to scan this bar okay now all these drinks on this bar are your favorite shots and what this represents this absolute mass of alcohol here is the drinks that you have bought for yourself and your friends over the past year okay because at the moment you're clocking up a hundred and two pounds a week on alcohol for you and your mates being missed a party that you are and that adds up to five thousand three hundred and four pounds every single year so I think you better have one of these to study a nurbs yeah this will be the last one oh wow that really is drinking I mean you are mr. party of Manchester aren't you yes yeah no wonder everybody wants to come out for a drink with you now you understand exactly when you see that it's that much money laid out like this over a hole yeah can you see they're actually parting perhaps is something that you have to kind of earn before you go and do it because otherwise you just end up in debt and probably to tell you the truth about it this much is probably what I spend on myself exactly so something to think about isn't it oh I'm thinking about it yes if Graham's going to get his bar tab down he'll need a little perspective radical measures are called for how much money do you think you get through on an average week I've never really thought about it tell you the truth we're thinking about stuff that's like non-essential spending so not including your rent but stuff that you just choose to spend money on I got 200 pounds 200 in a wig or a day was it so 200 pounds a week you think is what you get through yeah yeah well we've been through your statements the amount of money that you get through in an average week in grahame world is 478 pounds and 86 P as that shock to you it's over double what you thought yeah and over quadruple what I heard you see now while you're in debt it's becoming clearer each minute now what we would like you to do for the next seven days is to do what we call cold turkey which is where we ask you to survive on the minimum amount of money you think you can survive on four non-essential items okay so make us an offer no taxis well you get the money you choose what you do with it I don't know so we go in with a hundred pounds and see how we go from there but you could start a hundred if you like I think we'll start at 20 yeah I could spend that while I was brushing my teeth in the morning I don't disbelieve let's find a middle ground shall we corner no you go on so there you go we try 50 what do you think that's about eight pounds a day yeah do you think you could really give it a go on 40 quid I mean it's gonna be no takeaways no taxes no buying rounds for everybody no trips of vivienne westwood probably getting the bus we know what the next seven days is going to be but you know is it worth a worth a try good man gram best of luck I'm gonna need it you are you might need a bicycle to this whole forty pound thing I think I might as well give it a good go if they can help me out I'll see what I can do with it I'm a survivor so I think I'll be able to manage we'll just have to cut out the taxis and all those drinks I think that somebody might just have to buy for me for a change can Graham survive his first ever week of frugal living it's time to find out [Music] as he only works 15 hours a week brian has lots of free time on his hands which he usually fills with countless shopping trips today he's playing it safe and cheap by staying in my memory I'd go to the cinema you know and I have something to eat at the cinema if I'm bored and that would cost maybe 20 pounds of time by the time you're done with everything and I've not been doing that by day two grams got itchy feet with so much free time and so little cash there's only one thing to do he's decided to do a few extra shifts at the bar where he works I'm trying to do more shifts because then it kind of like takes away all the spare time that I've got to be spending this money and it gives me more money as well but I'm learning so it's kind of like win-win all around I think and for the first time ever at 2:00 a.m. Grahame Braves the night bus home even got the bus home from work tonight bit scary but still managed to do it mmm hats way around for a while in the cold not what I usually have to do with taxis but I think I managed to save about 15 pounds and I'm sure 15 pounds would be better spent on some new clothes it's midway through Graham's cold turkey week and time for psychological coach Benjamin Fry to take a closer look at what's been driving Graham spending so your mother is really the the bank of Graham the lifeline of Graham okay when did this behavior start with you relying on your mother in this way Paul II when I was younger imagine very young maybe 13 14 right Graham's parents divorced when he was seven his mother met a new partner who lived with the family for the next 15 years it was a difficult time for Graham there used to be a man in the life that really didn't enjoy me being around very much so the only way she had to keep a happy medium and kind of like keep me at peace was by buying me things mm-hmm and I guess I've relied on that ever since so when you were 13 that's when you remember it and most pair of trainers the most expensive pair of trainers I could possibly find I remember them I remember the color of them I remember everything about she started to give you money to make up for not being able to give you the time that he I think I do think so I don't know whether she'd see it like that but that's the way I think of it in what way where you left your own devices because I left in the house or sent out to play usually probably sitting watching the TV in my room yeah so you were left in the house it's tough and I wonder who you blame for some time is blame her when I'm talking to her and I wouldn't augment like when she moans at me about spending all this money I always tell her it's your fault you made me this way but when I sit back and I think about it kind of like logically you know in the cold light of day I can't blame her for it actually what you're communicating to your mother is that you're angry with her and I think the money often becomes a tremendous way for a child to communicate anger to a parent because it seems so natural at first doesn't it yep it's so easy to get into and it becomes so satisfying you know that little victory yep I've like I've taken your money and now you suffer and I go and have fun it's revenge oh yeah I can understand that yeah I could yeah definitely although not in the nastiest sense of the word no not a sense you wake up in the morning Benjamin's interested to know whether being left on his own as a youngster has meant Graham finds it painful to spend time alone now do you hate being the one that's not hacked yes I do sort of left on your own and that's usually why are in the one arranging for everybody to come out and then entertaining them when they're entertaining and when they're there yes so you're paying for them to be out with you basically yes wouldn't be that no can you bear to accept that to change you might have to go into these dark places that even spent an awful lot of time and money resisting going into yes well let's do it let's try it's day five of cold turkey and Graham still holding onto his cash he's only spent 14 pounds and he and flatmate Ben are braving the foreign world of the local cut-price supermarket to buy bargain food 18 [Music] well I could imagine that in a supermarket Bayreuth you do actually when you come out the same through though you're like you're quite happy about buying stuff and you really want to get back and start like I'm packing it right here I'm just oh I suppose the food's probably gonna taste fine and it wasn't expensive but the whole the kind of feeling you get from shopping in there was quite hellish I'm feeling a little better about saving all this money but it doesn't quite equal to the excitement I get when I'm spending all the money but we'll see it could change [Music] it's the last day of cold turkey and unbelievably Graham's determined to come in under budget so determined he's got his friends to take him out for a change [Laughter] it's not surprising he's tired Graham's done the unthinkable by not taking taxis in his hours at the bar and braving the cut price supermarket he's managed to spend just 27 out of the 40 pounds he was given at the start of the week now it's time for Jay to set Graham a realistic budget he can stick to it got a new spending plan because on the current spending rate at the moment you are spending 3073 pounds every month that's how much it comes to and we're recommending that you spend six hundred and seventy four pounds twenty-five does that panic you when you hear that a little but not as much as it did before I've just survived on 40 pounds so but this is a realistic budget for you on your salary if you take your mum and her spending power and her loans and her generous spirit out of it this is about Graham taking responsibility for his life and how much he earns and how much he contributes at the moment your rent is 172 pounds a month isn't it which your mum pays she does okay this month you're paying a hundred and seventy two pounds for your own rent okay okay clothes your mum has been spending two hundred and fifty pounds now we've put that down 250 pounds okay but we didn't want to make it zero because you know I know that's your big thing and you love clothes so 50 pounds you are going to have to think about things but it's not like you've got nothing no arete taxes 546 pounds you've been spending and we are recommending that while you get back on your feet that goes to zero however the good news for your grain that at the moment although you spend zero on bus tickets we give you 30 pounds towards getting on the buses see not very harsh chrome look I mean it's like just practically outside your house is we've taken the money away for the taxes yep we've given you the thirty pounds to start getting the buses so I thought if I come with you today on the bus hold my hand yeah we're just gonna go somewhere up the roads it's not very long bus journey okay but I'll come with you today okay because this is gonna get you into practice should be buses this is the first time Graham's been on a bus in broad daylight for years so how does it feel being on the road yeah yeah it's fine cuz obviously your mom was paying for the taxes yeah but in Graham world we're on the bus it's fine we're not very full right because I thought we just go on a nice little journey today to get you into it and I thought we could go and do a little bit of shopping today that's always good within the Graham's budget so we're up to tweak'd Remax sounds like you believe what you're saying well I'm trusting obvious Oh we'll see should be ashamed [Music] with just 50 pounds in his new clothing budget Graham's got to make his money go a lot further so Jays brought him to a store where you can buy labels for less [Music] mr. Gucci I feel like these are a bit like a fly so Graham how do you actually feel being in here shopping like I'm about to start hyperventilating what is it about being in here that you don't like I think it's just the mass of sprawling clothes and I don't know where to start so you feel that if you're in a sort of high-end shop you're almost guided towards things you know I can it's very easy yeah and I think it's the kind of one-on-one attention you get from the staff in the shop as well because I mean here there are great bargains to be had does that appeal it does but up until now I would have rather paid the money just fit to be brought straight to me but the reality is that what you've been spending is your mum's money yes you know your mum can afford Vivienne Westwood and has got a very nice amount of it to show you but Graham on the amount that he's bringing in at the moment this is where he should be shopping yep and that's probably not a very nice thing to deal with because you have been in Graham's fantasy world Vivienne Westwood taxis drinks all the rest of it and you know it is a bit of a culture shock yep most definitely but you know you're here and you know we're gonna have a bit of a rummage and it might not be as bad as you think we'll make the most of it because we're now we're after bargains yeah so get flicking [Music] but without the personal attention from shop assistants which Graham adores he's finding the whole experience rather challenging Jay's got her work cut out loads of diesel here 30 and 32 waist and they're all about 30 quid instead of 75 what have you found just a couple of things nothing to excite him how much today I think that one's seven pounds seven quid within grams new budget unconvinced grey Oh heads for the changing rooms to his surprise he's found himself some designer jeans and a black top hey Vince that very you they pretty cool and that's really nice yeah wasn't of my own stuff as well but how much is that $24.99 instead of 55 and the jeans are worth 30 399 instead of 75 it's like you've got your own t-shirt on and you've got your belt on and the other two items are from here and it all kind of works because you still really look like Graham just for that ya know it's fantastic I really like it I think I didn't think I find anything and I found two things so it's definitely a start how much is that okay so that's over your 50-pound budget so if you're gonna buy that you don't have to do much but you are gonna have to do extra hours is that okay yeah I don't mind has this been easier than you thought today yeah I think with you being here it's been easier than if I'd have come and do it on my own yeah now I know it's here I don't even need a taxi to get here Benjamin's on his way to see Graham's mother in Horesh half an hour from where Graham lives in Manchester he's hoping she'll shed more light on Graham's troubled adolescence and whether his difficult relationship with her previous partner was a catalyst for his out-of-control spending [Music] this is Graham and his first few weeks at secondary school can ask matters a new pin in his uniform collar and tie tied this was always Graham always smart as a new PIN it had to be done then even with the gel and so I had to buy him the gel you see lovely and clean and that was that Eileen now lives with her new husband David and Graham's younger brother Alan because what I understand so far is that Graham had a particularly difficult time around the age of 13 with your then partner and between you at the time you found a way to cope he found a way through which began more and more to become about a kind of almost financial transaction where you would buy him stuff and he would therefore feel that he had been I suppose nurtured in a way that otherwise wasn't happening in the I think probably he's got some of the picture mm-hmm the person that lived in our house at that time had strong issues with Graham's demeanor probably from around about the age of 11 onwards Graham's always been the artistic type well into his heart he mean gay or just at that point at that point he was in touch with his artistic side I think it was around about 15 or 16 that I accepted that Graham was gay from him being sort of 12 onwards Graham was was put through the mill really and it got to the point where Graham lived in the house but really didn't live in the house he lived upstairs in his bedroom I do think it's quite clear that he's internalized a great deal of anger during that period in his life and it's very uncomfortable for him to sit with it because the other thing he talked about it so he can't stand to be alone I imagine this comes from during that period when he's living he spent an awful lot of time stuck in his room on his own he particularly says I can't bear to be stuck in my room on my own and it's like that experience is triggering off bringing back up all the anger that he had as a kid it's so hard to hear about to feel sad because of what happened with Graham would you feel sad because of how you feel about what your role in that was all of it really yeah yeah all of it because at the time I did my level best to keep everybody happy remember the first time you if you like gave him something as an act of compensation rather yes yeah yes the person who lived here had been away for a while I actually told him to go and then when he'd gone I don't know why still to this day don't know why I asked him to come back yeah and Graham and Alan was saying don't let him back in mum we don't want him back and to pave the way and try and smooth things over because he was coming back following day I bought them what they'd been asking for and for Graham it was the very expensive trainers which I could ill afford right but I bought them for him and he remembers us so clearly to this day how do i yeah so do I so maybe for Graham it was so terrible that he was coming back into the house that he put all of his attention and all of his feelings and all of his thoughts onto the shoes and began a process of pushing him more and more into the material around BAP so he could cope with being less and less emotional yeah this sadness and if I could suggest perhaps guilt from everything that went on before is so present and it's here with us today at this table and I suspect that's what Graham is able to use against here to get money out of him absolutely no doubt about that yeah well I want you to do is make that effort to meet him halfway if you like so it's not just saying no with the money but saying yes was something else we've kind of the time and presence and love because I think that'd make a big difference to because what he really fears is being alone it's interesting some of the things that you've just said because when I just think back over the past few weeks occasionally he's asked David and myself why don't you come down to Manchester and come on a night out with us you know why don't you come down the village and so on and I've just haven't even entertained the idea because I just don't do bass I've asked mer I don't do bass but I wonder whether that is you know sort of he wants us to get involved and he also ranked the other week and asked us to go to the Chinese buffet for Sunday lunch and I declined that one as well yeah you know so next thing you know you'll get a text message thinking I'm 500 quid so maybe it's better to give him some presents than some presents because that's what happened in the past isn't it yeah and I think you have to recognize that the ongoing request for stuff is really an ongoing request for attention I think that there's a lot there that can help Graham she seems to understand the issues and so I'm hopeful that between them they can go on to really try to change the way they relate to each other because there's so much pain there and so much suffering so much sadness they need to find a way to negotiate that between themselves in a different way other than by using money having met Graham's mother Benjamin's keen to catch up with J Grahams now halfway through his retail therapy and Benjamin wants to make sure he doesn't fall off the wagon it's weird with graham because what I noticed at the beginning is he's a real real creature of habit and sometimes I think it's a double-edged sword because it's in a way I'm hoping that once we get out of some of the old habits and instill new ones that they will just become if you like quicker habits for him to get used to Oh Graham is definitely capable of change and I think the more we can sort of go with him and sort of almost hold his hand while he tries new things I think that might make it easier for him and then he'll just carry on I think you could say the same for the relationship with his mother is gonna be hard to break that habit because they've developed a pattern of relating to each other very much defines their relationship this is the mother-son relationship that he's they're responsible and she enables it by giving him money and so not only if they're going to change with the money are they gonna have to navigate a different way to cope financially but also they'll have to find a different way to be together I need to give Graham a way to feel more safe and comfortable with all those difficult feelings when they come up for him when he's left alone at home like any normal adult has to be in their life he's not a teenager anymore so I think what I'm going to do is maybe take him to do something like meditation something where there it's in a way it's a way to get out of the space that he's in but without actually physically getting out of it [Music] Graham's been taking Jays new budget seriously he's focusing on earning more money and has upped his hours at the bar from 15 to 35 a week it's the first time since he left his marketing job eight months ago that he's been doing a full weeks work but while Graham's learning to live by the book his flatmates aren't there behind with their rent and the guarantor on the house is Graham's mum Eileen she's on the phone chasing the money and lisas in the firing line I find it quite annoying when I'm trying to get make the efforts get sorted out that people around me are still having to ring her and ask her for things well she still having to help out the people around me and that's like half the bloody trouble you know she's not just helping me she's helping every bloody person that lives with me as well and it shouldn't have to happen it shouldn't nobody is paying a late any month you do pay a late no you're paying you've paid your rent for the month that's just gone every single other person in this house pays in advance I don't care yeah but she's not fine with when shillings meaning she's not fine when she rings me I'm bothered and you live with me and as long as you're living with me and I'm bothered you fix it you're not the one that has to listen to her on the phone right well it's not I'm not fine because all this unnecessary stress over money if you don't like it move out right no you are because I'm not putting up with it move out move out move out but at least mines paid on time and it's my mother so she shouldn't have to do it for you move out I know it's gonna get sorted it's not happening anymore it's not like she played her rent last week and then she had no money so she wranglin a stick for it back you know you don't do that after a sobering set-to with Lisa his other flatmate Ben is taking Raymond out to lunch today I'm going for lunch with Ben and he's paying I think people are starting to feel sorry for me not having the same amount and when it's suspended I usually have so makes a refreshing change being taken hurt by somebody else Graham's checking his bank account to see how much his extra wages have added to his coffers and he's pleasantly surprised 112 pounds and 68 pencils I'm gonna use the 112 pounds that I've got in my bank account to pay some rent to my brother the first time in months I feel quite bad that I've not been paying any rent and she's been paying it all for me too so I'm sure there's other things she'd like to be spending the money on instead of a house for me that she doesn't even live in so yeah do you feel a little bit today I've paid my own rent for the first time in probably as long as I can remember actually come to think of it um I've paid a hundred pounds to my mum believe me 72 pounds like to go which is quite an achievable target so she can have that next week I'm a bit skins now but at least everything is paid for and that's a first so hopefully everything will be moving on up from him Graham's doing well on the earning front but there's one key area of his spending that Jay still needs to tackle she's asked him to bring two of his favorite shirts to their next meeting I know you don't know why but trust me on this one okay so I got a bit of a surprise Jay knows a little place where for just 80 pounds gram can make the most of his love of fashion she's introducing him to a tailor Graham here today to meet you is we're gonna talk shirts okay because Graham has been I say been a real westward boy and I thought it'd be a really nice idea if you talked to Nick about maybe designing something yourself okay because Graham has got a fashion degree haven't any ID which you don't use not at all no so if we look at this shirt talk me through that of what the elements of it that you like it's very unusual I mean you don't see many men's shirts these days especially into the High Street place that you can get that have got I like the silver in it and yeah bit of glitter waiting for you Graham to pick have you got any fabric so it's sort of jumping out at you to pay yeah I think that's one over here is fantastic oh that one it's good isn't it that's the one wow it looks fantastic that is quite you Graham I think so [Music] just be 10 15 and a quarter yep Hilda quite fitted please so tell at 10:37 yeah can you not tell me what that one is wait 30-100 it's alright and heels together please 839 now that Graham's earning more money from his extra bar work he's more motivated than ever and he's aware of what he could be earning if he went back to his previous career in marketing I've got money in my bank for the first time ever I think I don't think I've ever had that no matter how much money I've been earning whether it was 26,000 pounds or whether it's been six thousand friends I've never had money my bank and I've got out for the first time in ages Graham's arranged an interview to recruitment agency in the centre of Manchester and keeping up with his new money-saving ways he's even catching the bus I'm quite getting used to using the bows I mean feel a bit weird getting on it today in my suits in the middle of Cheatham Hill it's nice to have kind of like the spare money rather than wasted on a taxi I'd like to do sales and marketing like I've done for the past couple jobs that I've had but I'm willing to take anything if the money is right at the moment just to give me a bit of extra [Music] it went well actually she's put me through for a job tomorrow that's twenty two thousand pounds a year so not too bad at all yeah very interesting so fingers crossed that she's done quite good chat [Music] now that Graham's taking his financial responsibilities seriously Benjamin wants Graham to face up to his fear of spending time alone so Graham I brought you here to do a meditation class because I don't need to be stuck in your room and nowhere to go he's booked a meditation class and is hoping it will teach Graham some inner calm and what feelings come up when you are on your own that it always tends to turn into me causing an argument with somebody when I'm on my own because I don't like doing it mm-hmm I'd like that to stop okay so you mean you're on your own and then you seek out whoever's around today and you have an argument or them not being there oh I see okay okay all you're gonna do while we're meditating is you're just gonna remember to be the observer so whatever thoughts come up whatever feelings come up you just watch them you're not judging them you're not thinking this is a bad thing to think this is a good thing to think or feel you're just noticing oh I'm feeling angry now I'm feeling lonely now and as soon as you do that you have the power of choice when you take that step back then you can decide how you're gonna react to the anger breathing nice and deep and long even though you're not feeling fear or or panic or anger now just remember a little bit of what that feeling is like and very slowly the not of emotion wherever it is in your body starts to untie and release have the feeling inside that whatever struggles you go through whatever comes up that you have the power to heal it and release it I'm just a few more deep breaths and now you're completely releasing that emotional energy you can imagine it flowing out of your body so even though you weren't feeling panicked or agitated when we started can you feel how that technique might help when you are yeah without a doubt yeah yeah and by the way was meditation more or less what you expected or was it no it wasn't okay chanting now what I want to leave you with is the ability to be alone in a room without needing to spend money because that's what you highlighted yep that's the trigger the empty wallet yep on top of that we've got the situation with your mother where you use her as your bank now I had a chat with her about that and she feels a lot of guilt about what happened to you as a child which is why she allows you to use her as a bank you feel a lot of anger about it which is why you do use her as a bank I think now both of you understand that cycle really well and by understanding it better it gives you a chance to move on as adults I asked her to spend more time with you rather than give you more money and I think this struck a chord in her cuz she remembered sometimes that you'd invited her to come and do suddenly a Chinese meal on a Sunday or a meal in the evening when she didn't come and she didn't come here yeah exactly and she don't really connect this with kind of an emotional plea she just was thinking practically so I think it'd be nice if you spend a bit more time with them and to kick that off I'm gonna suggest that maybe you could do something for her this time yeah that would be nice good well I'll leave in your capable hands [Music] Graham and his mom are on their way to London something they used to do together when Graham was little it's Graham's treat and using us extra wages he's bought to cheat day returns I need to tell you right away number one I haven't brought much money number two I haven't got any cards with me 13 oh I like this first it's a trip down the River Thames [Music] it's just very good I like it the fact that he hasn't asked for anything no for the last month it's absolutely amazing certainly my bank balance is better for it rather than paying money out I've actually had money come back in he's down on his mobile phone bills by far he's not asked me for any money whatsoever before catching the train home there's time for early dinner at a top restaurant with great views over London and because it's early they get a bog Indian possibly just a jug of tap water thank you very much thank you cheers Cheers nice nice treat but it tastes better because you're paying there's still been much much better that's a good deal that isn't it some of a green theater think you seem a lot more cheerful yourself anyway now that you've started paying things I've got from one pay day till next and still have money that's why it make you feel better though it's nice knowing that like I don't have to spend a few days without a single penny yes I'm really proud of how you've done thank you thank you and now I've had like more money so the beams not though with the sausage but pops this great five weeks ago when Benjamin and Jay first met Graham most of the money he was spending was wheedled out of his mother sometimes after three thousand pounds a week but after some serious soul-searching and some practical advice Graham's put in the hours at work and has stopped begging for money Jay and Benjamin have come to catch up with a very different Graham Graham liking the shirt this is Graham's new shirts that he designed himself and bought and have made and everything for 80 pounds I know so you know more vivienne westwood nope he's a Graham design shirt how much would have similar shirt from varying westward costs Oh twice as much at least do you feel a sense of pride wearing your own creation I do definitely really nice you had lots of compliments on it I have it fits a lot better as well so because when we first met you you were spending almost 500 pounds a week and now you're averaging about 150 pounds a week which is a massive difference what have you done about taxes I've been in - oh and I didn't pay for really that's good news very good how do you find that this change in your spending has changed to a relationship with your mother at all it's really nice actually even the surprise in a voice when I ring her and she finds out I don't actually want anything yeah yeah is that a new experience it's a new experience for me and for her I actually started to save a bit as well savings every money and it's actually pleasant seeing the money growing it's stashed into my bed at the moment and I've also got a second interview for a job that earns me three times more a year that I'm earning at the moment so hopefully yeah what are you gonna do with all of that money roll around in it they've really done well but I'm really pleased with it you really have it's been really nice actually to work with you and you know to go through this whole process together and it's been I don't know necessarily easier than I thought but you know smoother than I thought it would be we'll take that as a comment I was quite harsh with my mother at times when she wouldn't necessarily hand over what I wanted straight away but even she thinks I'm being nice and out and that I can actually rink up just to see how she is rather than ring up and ask for something click on screen for more videos of extraordinary humans you

Channel: Only Human

Views: 487,133

Keywords: shopaholics uk, shopping addiction debt, only human, spendaholics documentary, spendaholics youtube, shopping addiction full episodes, spendaholics uk, shopaholics full episode, shopaholics documentary, spendaholics tv show, shopaholics bbc, only human channel, only human documentary, shopaholics, shopaholics anonymous, shopping addiction documentary, shopping addiction help, shopping addiction recovery, shopping addiction true life, spendaholics, spendaholics full episodes

Id: eZz0yuwB5qw

Length: 56min 16sec (3376 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 08 2020