Jeanne Robertson | The Rafting Story (Uncut)

[Applause] by now you can see that we we can set ourselves athletes but we're we're not going to bungee jump you're not going to get a Christmas card from us skydiving in tandem with a helmet on our head we're not what you would call Outdoor Sports people there is a big difference between people who play badminton and Outdoor Sports people couple years ago I got a telephone call from a speaker friend of mine from South Carolina Al Walker Al is also an associate of mine in platform professionals group of six humorists who work together and have for years Al is a funny funny man he's so funny that I thought he was joking in the phone call because he was calling to ask left brain and me to go on an eight day white water rafting trips down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon the trip was to take place two years later made it last August I do not know what made me do this but without batting an eye I said Al you put the Robertsons down we're going then I went to tell left right I said no no no white water rafting remember the NADA Halo foreign it was like Remember the Alamo he's gonna pull out something that happened 30 years ago to keep us use it as an excuse not to go on this eight day white water rafting trip see we had been asked to go on this little bitty three-hour trip down to Nantahala with about 20 people from this County 30 years ago we didn't know anything about it but one of the people had been in the Boy Scouts and knew all about it so we went it was Dr Gene long was who he was oh let's all go up there we were the last ones in a raft going down this Nantahala River and Dr long was in the front and four of us were in the middle and left brain was sitting in the back and we were all paddling away like we had good sense and I guess the terrain was typical because the water was swirling and over here you had a high embankment and over here you had another one and going down the river on our left at the top of this High embankment was a two-lane road with people riding down they looked down at us like look Outdoor Sports people take their picture and as we were paddling and I mean this was tough going around but everybody else was in front of us one of the women in the middle said y'all when you get a chance look up at the road there's a wild man running down the highway with a paddle over his head well of course we all looked up and it clicked in at the same time it's left brain [Applause] left brain was gone way back up the Nantahala he had been knocked off the boat and he hollered and screamed we just kept right on going down so he made his way to the side of the Nantahala and climbed up the embankment had been running for he said God over a mouth trying to get ahead of us can you see that when this man right here called and said let's go on this trip and I said to him we're going this one over here said no remember the nanta Halo we then entered what I would call the discussion persuasion part of the decision my brain was adamant he said I'm not paddling down another River I almost died I'm not paddling down another River oh honey I've run the whole website thing off good news we don't paddle we're on 35 foot motorized rafts with guides you just sit on that raft all day look at the Grand Canyon you can take naps you can read catch up on your correspondence drag a foot in the water but we don't do any paddling left brain stood there a minute his head you could see he was clicking I was clicking we were both going and he said well the truth is I don't want to float along in a wrath for eight hours a day for eight days oh good news good news it says right here several times a day we pull off the river and we take leisurely strolls that's what it says right here leisurely strolls unquote through the Grand Canyon all right both of us still thinking thinking he said let me be real honest with you I'll be 69 years old when we go on with this trip and I said that's why we have to hurry it says right here don't go after age 70. see it says right there we gotta hurry honey we gotta hurry no I'm gonna tell you the truth Gene he said I don't want to sleep on the ground one night much less eight better news than you've heard before it says it right here look right here on this website we will be sleeping on cots in little white private tents we will not be on the ground where will we bathe well it says right on the website we will bathe each afternoon when we pull off the river in the clear cool Colorado River it says right here clear but refreshing where are we going to go to the bathroom no everything but honey you know they've got adequate facilities or people wouldn't be doing this every day and look it says right here no cell phones no computers no contact with the outside world and we will meet new interesting people at that point I had to go into my clincher Tom says he'll go if you'll go University and he didn't want to go anywhere if it didn't involve a golf course but his wife Margaret wanted to go and she was saying to Tom left brain says he'll go if you'll go we've all done this and because they love us and because you can generally get anybody to promise something if it's two years out they agreed to go on this trip I have important information worth your being here tonight write it down if you are 45 years old and you want to go on this trip then you need to go go ahead it's beautiful it's a nice experience you'll really you'll find it rewarding if you are between 45 and 60 and want to go on this trip you need to hurry foreign in the 60s you gotta you gotta know you can die on this trip I'm here to tell you right you can't go I can tell you right now you you can't go you can't there's not a man in here that can go and you can't even look at our pictures it'll do you in as advertised there was no cell phone there was no contact with the outside world nobody had a computer and we did meet new interesting people but they didn't have what I would call adequate facilities the rule is if you take it into the Grand Canyon or you produce it in the Grand Canyon you take it out with you I don't want to talk about that anymore we'll talk about the new interest in people there were 26 of us that went not counting our guides many of us were connected with a speaking profession or friends of speakers the other half of the people were from owls Baptist Church in a small town in South Carolina they all sang in the choir together I really wouldn't say they sang together I would say they sang at the same time we met in Las Vegas for this four-hour trip up to put into the river and from the moment we pulled out they struck up shall We Gather at the left brain said how long is this going to take you think they're going to sing the whole way the Beautiful the beautiful well I won't even spend my time because we don't have all night telling you that our four hour trip was a 10-hour Odyssey with us stranded with no cell phone contact if you are on a motor coach right now and you're watching this if your driver and your tour director know where you're going and you have gas in contact with the outside world then you right now say thank you and give them a round of applause we finally did gather at the river and when we saw it even the Baptist group quit singing in the middle of the beautiful the beautiful oh my goodness it wasn't a clear cool Colorado River it looked like chocolate milk swirling swirling around you wouldn't have bathed in this water you wouldn't have put your dog in this water you want to put your foot in there it would have stopped the whole thing and finally somebody said is this is this the Colorado and our guide Sparky said oh this is it it's a little muddy now it's monsoon season you you should have come in June it's clear in June Tom Parham said Jews when you took the pictures for the website right I finally spoke up and said Sparky is it going to be like this all eight days and he said well Genie I could lie to you left brain standing right behind me said if somebody hadn't lied to me I wouldn't be on this [Applause] if you understand right here let's just say Alan white you're good let's say I got a bucket and it's full of mud and sticks and bugs and I fill it with water and while you're just sitting on the raft catching up on your correspondence I start swirling this bucket and I'm watching you the whole time and when you least expect it I take the whole bucket and I throw it right in your face and then while you recover I start swirling another butt and I hit you in the face with this stuff for eight days when you never know the first time it hit us people said oh my goodness that was something else wasn't it give me that towel this thing messed up my outfits give me that Tower and this thing comes you by the second day you see it coming you turn your head and up by the third day you don't even do anything but pausing conversation foreign our son graduated from Elon slapped University you just keep right on going but interestingly enough that wasn't the only thing that happened we drew straws and every so often some people had to sit up in what they call the bucket or the bathtub this meant you really got it tough and one time left brain was here and I was here and one of our new Baptist friends from South Carolina was right here and Sparky stopped the raft and he came up and said we're getting ready to go over our Rapids where you will drop 20 feet for a few seconds you will be completely submerged there are ropes on either side of you grasp those ropes do not let go if you let go you will be swept off the raft and we will pick you up down river and then he left left right and said what'd he say he said to hold on we went down and if you ever just dropped 20 feet the water came all over us we were holding on you couldn't see any sunlight and when we came up I couldn't breathe I couldn't talk and I nodded it left rain I'm alive I turned to my new friend on the left and I said I don't think I've ever been through anything like that she said you're not a Baptist are you the first night we got off that raft and it was like a b-rated zombie movie covered all over for us it was Terror within few minutes Tom Perrin came up and said Robertson I've checked there's no way out of here we're stuck on this River for eight days 227 miles but I'm gonna be I'm gonna be nice about it because I want to keep my sense of humor about it but when we get home you better know I'm gonna burn down your house but he was wrong there is a way out the National Park Service will helicopter in and get you if you die foreign or if you break a leg and I thought about it nothing nothing messy not a knee or an ankle but right in here mid left brain said he thought about breaking one of my legs but that first night old Sparky announced they were putting out wine 45 degree wine if anybody might be interested might be interested the Catholics the episcopalians the Presbyterians the methodists just almost trumped him to the ground but where are the Baptists in here would you raise your hand we know you're here you're always here foreign you would have been so proud of your brothers and sisters I said none for us y'all go ahead no that's okay one of the episcopalians said well thank goodness there's a whole lot more for us the second night they put out the wine and as they poured it a couple of the Baptists just started coming over and one of them said Is it real cold the third morning we saw the whole choir section huddling with Al Walker he said what are they up to I don't know they got a new song I guess a minute I all took his cup and raked it across the Rock and said he had an announcement from the Baptist group from this point on what happened on the river stage and the last morning those people served communion with red wine and Cheerios and I will never forget foreign [Music] they discontinued the cots and they didn't update the website we had little thin bed rolls to be on top of and and the first night I said I can't I can't get comfortable this of a rock in the mind of something left brain said we're in the middle of the Grand Canyon what did you think you'd be sleeping on a marshmallow well of course we're in a rock and but we had these little white tents four feet high 40 by six left range six six I'm six two they had a little first of all you had to even put it up and down twice a day with your spouse match the color of this and put it over they had a little zippered door a little Shetland pony couldn't have gotten any of that and the first day we said how we get in this thing if we crawl in we take this sand and we got that all and I finally I said just come on follow me left right we're going we got it we got it we got it get in you get in all right you in he said yeah now what do we do get out I got a charlie horse get out get out but every night in the tents we had little conversations because it was pitch dark there was no light in the Grand Canyon and you'd say things like the first night I remember it well because it was pouring down rain and I said honey I'm so sorry I'm just so sorry I didn't I didn't know it was going to be like this it's not what I expected but in the dark he said that's interesting it is exactly what I thought it was gonna be and then he said with all the great people you know in the tour industry why aren't we on a motor coach trip but one night one night in the tent he said did you see Jenna crying on the rock Jenna was the only young person on the trip and her parents right here the Kings had given her the choice of several things for graduation they wanted her to go on the trip with them and they pushed her in that direction and I saw Jenna crying and I said Jenna are you okay honey and she said yes I I could have had a used car [Applause] the other night in the middle of the night I thought he was asleep left brain said what are we going to do next year that I did a rod there were no leisurely strolls through the grandkids leisurely strolls were a first cousin to rock climbing and we were on at our age 18 inch Ledges with showing the person behind you where to put a hand and Sparky's shouting at us don't let go don't look don't let go you don't have to tell us that Sparky Don't Look Back we can't look back from sleeping on this thing all night and and that night left brain said honey what what are we doing what are we doing here you're what are we doing we are holding on to ropes and rocks with hands that at home in our kitchen cannot open a jar [Applause] what are we doing but I will tell you that one day on that rock climbing I twisted my arm the wrong way and I went sliding and this man right here tab King crawled out on a Ledge got on top of me and inched me back inch by inch nothing's too good for the man what saved my life ledge and I didn't think he was going to answer at all and finally said I couldn't help you [Applause] and how we were going to get off this River so I went to Sparky the guide and I said what's happening Sparky the last day what do we do how do we get out of here and he said well on Sunday afternoon we pull in to the Ramada and there'll be somebody there to take y'all back to Las Vegas the Ramada Eureka a Ramada Inn out here in the Grand Canyon I got all the women together Sunday hot showers mattresses I'm gonna get my own room left brains on his own and it led to all week saying things like it's Thursday but Sundays are coming Friday sun and then we pulled in and there was a Native American woman sitting there in a little Hood and I said Sparky where's the where's the Ramada Inn he said there's no Ramada Inn Ramada is the Spanish word for small thatch Hut with a roof she's sitting in the in the Ramada but the night I want to tell you about is the fifth night we had not bathed in five days we had not washed our hair in five days we had been on these Ledges we crawled in that was after you saved my life I was just glad to be alive we got in there and we were sound asleep in about three in the morning left brain decides to get frisky [Applause] and he started kissing me on the neck now every couple has its signal with us this is it and I thought to myself has he lost his mind has the mud seeped in through his ears and I reached up to just push him away and it was a lizard foreign [Applause] lizard it was a Grand Canyon lizard from here to here and then the tail went all up here ice cream woke up left right he forgot where he was and stood up in the tent took a four foot high tent all the way up threw me down into the bottom with this lizard the tail would hit me in the face we we couldn't find our flashlights I tried to go this way pulled him down over here we looked like an amoeba moving around petri dish all around the campsite they've put on their flashlights started coming out of their tents Tire Man was fighting the Pillsbury Doughboy and they circled us with their flashlights and then came the understatement of the trip Al Walker says y'all need some help get the thing open he finally got it unzipped the first one out was that lizard he was gone the next morning at breakfast everybody's talking about what they thought what they saw whatever I said wait a minute left right now on I just want to know what took you so long you could see us fighting each other looked like a popcorn thing and blown up inside the microwave going moving all around what took you so long and I all said well you remember what Sparky told us the first day a couple's tent is like the private home if the tits are rocking don't go knocking [Applause] thank you but I do have to tell you that at the first of the week and I guess this would be my point one of these people from South Carolina one of our good new friends came up and said Al tells me you the speaker who goes around the country making people laugh I said yes I am so he told us you talked to him about seeing the humor in stressful situations I said yes I do he said well that's just something God is testing you and the rest of us have gotten pulled in home [Applause] by the way the best line of the whole trip was not from a professional speaker and we had so many on there and you and I think we're funny it wasn't from the Baptist it wasn't from coach Powerman what it was from Sparky because I went to him the last day and I said Sparky something just dawned on me I said here's Genie and you've been with me all week on and on and on and and now next week in three days you're taking a whole nother group out he won't even remember who we are we're just another group of Rafters and he looked up at me and he said oh no I'll never forget you Harriet

Channel: JeanneRobertson

Views: 1,388,264

Keywords: clean comedy, christian comedy, funny lady, southern humor, lewis grizzard, bill engvall, chonda pierce

Id: oG4X1Bn4h3Y

Length: 27min 37sec (1657 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 21 2022