Kids Don’t Know How to Read. John Branyan - Full Special

say what thanks for coming out thanks for thanks for watching comedy participating in comedy uh i applaud you people because we live in a culture now that can't laugh anymore i mean everybody is so thin skinned everybody is so sensitive everybody is so filled with tolerance that they hate each other that's what tolerance will do to you it will fill you with hate and rage and we don't laugh anymore there's nobody nobody has a sense of humor i do comedy uh sometimes in church i do comedy in church and church people church people will come up after shows and they will ask me this question do you think god has a sense of humor i'm like well i think he made church people heaven's yes god has to have a sense of humor because we didn't think of laughter that wasn't our idea that was given to us by a higher power that knew we were going to need it to get through life because he knew we were going to have hardship he knew we were going to have struggles he knew we were going to get married he knew stuff was going to happen and so laughter is a gift laughter is a gift and that gift is manifest in every single one of you god put something stupid in every single one of you that the rest of the world is supposed to laugh at so when you cover up your stupidity you are robbing people of a blessing that's called a sin so the cure to society's ills is laughter it's comedy but here's how it has to work you have to see it yourself first you have to be first be willing to recognize your own stupidity and then share it with the people you love you've got to notice it yourself first we've done this you've all done this you've been driving down the road right you passed a semi truck you lean towards the window and go that is fairly stupid you ever had a semi truck pass you and go why do we think we can boss semi-drivers around like they're like we're their boss or something we don't do that with other people you don't pass the construction zone and look at those guys and go got to see it yourself comedy is everywhere it's built it's built into the fabric of our dna it's built into us god could have made us any way he wanted he ever thought about that he could have made us any way he wanted and he did that whatever whatever sitting next to you look at your neighbor he could have done anything and he did that and some people some people think they can avoid comedy they think they can they can keep it out of their lives they could be serious you can't you can't eventually it's gonna burst forth it's in you you're gonna sneeze there's no dignified way to pull that off sneezes fall into several categories there's people like me always know when i'm about to sneeze because i give a big performance leading up to it i'm like then it just disappears it just goes right and i get dumber but then i have a friend of mine that there's no there's no warning when he sneezes you're in the middle of a conversation and jeez and then my sister bonnie uh when she sees this sneezes whatever she does when she sneezes it's usually just girls uh that do this just girls there's a big build up and she goes i cannot be good for you ladies you can't have ah without you that has to go somewhere it's gonna wind up on your thighs well that's not cellulite that's unreleased you it's in you it is everywhere comedy is everywhere so busy being offended we don't see it i was knocking around online a little while back and i found a town in arkansas in arkansas name of the town is spelled f-l-i-p-p-i-n i would move there everything's funny at that point hey i'm john and i'm from flippin arkansas family and i are at the flippin church of christ every sunday morning graduated from flipping high school that's my flipping diploma go birds i don't know what they're called i have no idea what they're called we can agree if it's anything other than birds that is a huge mistake isn't it that's a missed opportunity you can go you can go to their flipping website it's a real it's a real place it exists and you will discover that they have no idea that they're hilarious it's sad their website is full of information about their board of education their chamber of commerce right there's a picture of a squad car on the website it says on the side of the car flipping police how do you miss that how do they keep a straight face in emergencies somebody call the flipping cops robbing the flippin bank but you got to see it yourself that's the thing you can't it's okay to make fun of other people but you got to see it yourself first and then share with other people all right some of you who live indoors will relate to this uh you know how when you live indoors and you hear a sound in the middle of the night and you're not sure the source of that sound it kind of freaks you out a couple of weeks ago it's three o'clock in the morning at my house and i hear this whistling coming from somewhere in the house so i nudged my wife to ask her to go look for it she wouldn't go because she's asleep and she's pretty selfish when she's unconscious and so i had to go all by myself so i'm trying to find it just using auditory signals and then when i got close it sounded like it was moving so i'm chasing it around in the dark for like 10 minutes and then i finally realized it's this nostril now i didn't have to tell my wife that story but i did so she could tell everybody else that's how you put stupid to good use just take ourselves so seriously we're serious about serious about scientific discoveries uh science you know plays a part in all of this all of our culture everything we pay attention to science now science has the answer science is going to tell us things science is going to make our life better and it might but we just ignore everything that science tells us here notice that there's no you shouldn't eat artificial colors hand me another dr pepper alcohol is bad for you scientists told us that too alcohol kills brain cells that's what the scientists told us we don't care nobody cares most of the bars you can buy alcohol did you not know that most of the bars have a have alcohol you know on a saturday night and the reason we don't care about that is because the scientists so people who told us alcohol kills brain cells are the same folks that told us human beings only use about 10 of their brains so the taverns are full of all the geniuses going man we got 90 to blow smoking's bad for you science told us that and there were people that needed to be told there were lawsuits a few years ago smoking people were suing the tobacco companies because the smoking people claimed they didn't know how bad smoking was we did not know that it was bad to inhale smoke we had no idea that smoking was bad for us which means that somebody's first cigarette look like this oh that's good well you can taste the vitamins we we don't pay attention to what science tells us this is my favorite scientific finding of all time and so i'm sure it's going to be yours so when people stop you on the street what's your favorite scientific fighting you can say i'm glad you asked and whip this out according to science goldfish have a six second memory makes the whole evening worthwhile doesn't it and it makes sense when you think about it that a fish would have a short memory you can tell that by looking at the system we used to catch them that would never work on an animal that could remember stuff big school of fish swimming around drop a worm on a hook right in the middle of them fish is thinking hey there's a worm oh frank's got it it's a trick to trap they got frank he's gone he's gone hey there's a worm then the scientists tell us fish is brain food huh so many things everywhere so many i do so many idiotic things i buy stuff from infomercials i don't care i don't even care i do i bought our last vacuum cleaner from an infoworsha infomercials the world's most powerful vacuum cleaner that's what they said on the infomercial those people have no reason to lie now uh the vacuum program was on at three o'clock in the morning the infomercial was half hour program that's when all your quality vacuum programming is on you can't catch it at prime time you got to stay up late and commit like i do so it's three o'clock in the morning i'm glued to the television set watching this vacuum program and they're running it all over the studio guys talking about it this is the world's most powerful vacuum look at the job it's doing picking up these quarters in a stack of quarters on the floor just sucking them up and i'm at home going yes we've got so much money laying around on the carpet we have nothing to get cash out of the shag they picked up a bowling ball with the vacuum cleaner i've been using those three holes in the top of mine like a [ __ ] those days are over my friends and have you noticed that no matter how powerful your vacuum cleaner is when you're using it there's always one little piece of white fuzz on the carpet you're like um that'd have been a bowling ball let it got it our vacuum cleaner has a headlight on the front of it our vacuum cleaner who in the universe says when the sun goes that's when we vacuum my wife was kind enough to explain it she says john that light is there because you can't see dirt in the dark corners then why are we vacuuming it wouldn't be easier to make sure company doesn't bring flashlights over to the house problem solved family is another proof that god has a sense of humor i think marriage had to be a joke had to be the whole idea of marriage is just it had to be a joke man and woman imagine god saying to the angels hey come here look at this what i did it's a man and a woman and put him down there uh two entirely different creatures different sensibilities different ways of processing things emotional levels uh they're not alike in any way and i'm gonna make them spend the rest of their lives together it's gonna be awesome he started with man first you know the story he made man first and then he took a rib from that man and made woman and clearly that was the rib that we used to use to read minds oh so look for the humor in your life all right don't be don't be hung up and and correct and tolerant just just have fun just have fun there's there's comedy everywhere we don't communicate very well anymore in this culture that's the problem too we used to be able to communicate we used to have uh words some of the old people remember words remember those it was like kids you don't know what we're talking about but there was there was an alphabet and you could take letters from that alphabet and arrange them in certain ways to form these things called words and those could be used to communicate ideas and now we just text people things um emojis i got a i got an emoji from my kids a couple of months ago and it was just a smiley face an explosion and a pile of poop with eyes in it that meant happy birthday dad but it wasn't always that way it used to be we had words we would communicate i did some research william shakespeare william shakespeare uh had an active vocabulary of 54 000 words 54 000. today in the united states we all of us have an active vocabulary of 3 000 words which is why when we read shakespeare we're lost we're like what light through yonder whereupon wouldn't break it and just put in a dvd i don't i don't pay for netflix so you kids can sit there and read and i started thinking about little kids in the 16th century those kids had a bigger vocabulary than i have now as an adult because they were exposed to that language which means i am not smart enough to read fairy tales to 16th century children i'd be lost in the kids section at the library in the 16th century can you imagine can you imagine what their books were like be like in time passed on not long ago there lived pigs in stature little in number three who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly when they had traveled a distance pigno but first spake saying hawking brethren heed this tempestuous realm terry we long from hearth and home we shall fare i fear not well and so being collectively agreed but individually impelled the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself and abode pig numbered first to construct his house from straw pig numbered second did likewise though rather not from straw instead from sticks meanwhile unique in his imagining pick number three to direct us his domicile stalwart and garrish a structure made from brick entirely ah but soon there happened along as is frequently the scenario and classic tale of protagonist pig or red hooded child a wolf carnivorous nature in full season he called out to the straw in skunk's swine saying pray the little pig grant me entrance but pig one recalled was sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly pinched wolf and responded immediately nay it shall not be indeed to this most expected response the wolf replied immediately then steal thyself little pig fourth with shall i endeavor in blowing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle young flippin flaxseed fortress whereupon they're issued forth from the wolf and exhale of gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried a loft piglet and shattered quarters both exposed now to claw and fang piglet one made haste wolf in pursuit to the stick festoon sanctum of peccary secondary causing pig two to cry out in dismay well this knocks my knickers marshalling a feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial a thousand pardons begged one it would seem the beast's painful breath hath purged me of home and sound judgment alike the malevolent glass of the wolf's exhale splattered second swine shack and shortest sanctimonious scaling simultaneously lo and behold squealed to stand we now amid wooden wreckage tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for eschewing the k9 devourer being in deadly proximity strategy exclaimed one while just noble the contemplation of tactical particularities pressed as we are with time restraints forbidding detail strategical conversation i would urge we run whether by their own fleet-footed competence or the wolf's windless attitude the phantom porkers arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbors inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed upon the third pig store with urgent hooves they pounded calling out unborn this entrance and with haste we beseech thee the third pig hailed from the american colonies possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied say what secret sanctuary they implored on the verge of hysteria lest we fall forth with to the ravenous impotency of yonder approaching carnivore still confounded by their important words pink three did render ajar his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapsed beyond his threshold enervated so you all just wanted to come in why didn't you say that hiss of the wolf could be heard brady pigs grant me entrance the wolf said one and two wolf said three which i suppose he wants he seeks to gain purchase within indeed he would occupy this very alcove where he but afforded the most meager of opportunity right reagan i'll just ask him what he wants under no circumstances squealed to fling himself against portal there is not to be gained a costing external opponent save our own immediate demise what did you say about my mama house and occupants were again engulfed in a malevolent blast of wolfish wind the foundation shook the frame rattled and low to the astonished eyes of piglets and encroaching scoundrel alike stood the third pig's lodging undaunted aghast and befuddled two quarried of three how does against such relentless and torrential onslaught this domicile endure pig three puffed out chest tapped a hoof to the earth and responded it's american-made local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now and the later they sent them to the bank should be going mom mom

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 104,360

Rating: 4.8258047 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, John Branyan, John Branyan Dry Bar Comedy, John Branyan Comedy, John Branyan Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Special, Dry Bar Full Special, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Three Little Pigs, Shakespeare, vocabulary, vernacular, old english three little pigs, comedy, stand up, dbc, pigs, funny

Id: SwZWaw2NCrM

Length: 24min 23sec (1463 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 27 2021