33 Minutes of JOHN MULANEY

no one cared about my opinion when I was a little kid no one cared what I thought sometimes people would say what do you think you're doing but that just meant stop they didn't actually want to know my thought process they don't want me to be like well I was gonna put this bottle rocket into this Cardon of eggs so that when I lit off the bottle rocket the eggs would have bloat everywhere oh well that's very interesting and what brought you to this experiment oh well thank you for asking well you know how I'm filled with rage I'm so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it so eggs like I travel alone sometimes you know and I'll put up with anything you know like I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline you know I don't want to name an actual airline so let's just make one up let's call it like Delta Airlines so I booked a ticket on Delta Airlines and I'll show up at the airport then I go can I get on the plane now please and they go now it's delayed nine hours and I go okay and then I go to the bathroom and then I come out of the bathroom and I go any updates and they go yeah we took off while you were in the bathroom because we hate you I take this meal voucher that doesn't work go fetch and I go okay and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and I go can I have a sandwich please and they go no then I go okay and they go you're a little fat girl aren't you and I go no when they go say it and I go I'm a little fat girl and then I go over to the Delta helpdesk which is an oxymoron and I go can I please go home on an airplane and they go no in fact we're gonna frame you for murder and you're gonna go to jail for 30 years and I go why are you doing this to me and they go because we're Delta Airlines and life is a [ __ ] nightmare but with my girlfriend she would just be like let's see if Southwest has any flights so it's better my email got hacked a few weeks ago but it was kind of cool it was that it was the thing where they hack into your email has just happened the hack in and then they send like a weird spam link to everyone in your address book so I basically sent a spam link to everyone I know which was kind of nice cuz I don't keep in touch with people so that's my bit for the year that is my Christmas card as far as I'm concerned and then everyone wrote back to me to tell me I've been hacked so I heard from everybody it was nice it was like I had a baby or something email viruses bring people together in amazing waves one guy I know emailed me and he said hey I clicked on the link you sent I don't want to buy any herbal viagra and he wasn't being funny I've known him for 17 years it's not a funny person he's an idiot so what I liked about that was a few things one he clicked on the link who the hell still clicks on the link when you get the spam link and this by the way this was the ugliest internet link I've ever seen in my life it had like dollar signs and swastikas in it it looked like a virus I don't mean an Internet virus I mean it looked like if HPV was a website written out he got that in a blank email and he went okay and he clicked on it he was intrigued and then he has taken to a website that sells something called herbal viagra and his first thought is that I am now selling herbal viagra but do you know what kind of offended me it was that he thought that that's how I would sell herbal viagra that I would be that pissed poor of a Salesman that I would just put a link in a blank email with the subject line check this out which I've never said before in my life and then in the two column I'd write everybody and I got this speaks for itself if I was going to email everyone I've ever met about a very shaky new business I was involved in I would write a long like introduction letter before I got to the link I would be like dear friends and family comedy did not work out also have you ever wanted to try viagra but you fear the side-effects of the non herbal kind well me and my Cayman Island business partners have the solution for you just click on the swastika below and in seconds you'll be taken to the world's ugliest website I hope you can read pink on purple as that is the layout we have chosen Oh see thank you I didn't pause for that but that's nice I paused for that that's why I paused I was walking downtown today I was on West 12th Street I was downtown I was walking towards this guy he's walking towards me he's on his cell phone we're both downtown we're on West 12th as he walks past me I hear him say not and I can't meet right now I'm Way uptown and then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking that guy should be declared mayor of New York City I don't care if he's had a scandal automatic mayor and he probably has if that's how he conducts himself on a day to day basis if he's lying about his whereabouts at 2:00 o'clock on a Saturday while I high-fiving random guys on the street I was glad I noticed him I normally don't notice people Izone out constantly have you ever shown doubt for a few minutes I've been zoned out since 2014 I just all day long I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast I can zone out anywhere I was at the doctor's office he was reading me the results of a blood test it was important I listened and I zoned out I was like nah I'm gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts I was like huh none of the Beatles had mustaches but then one day all of them had mustaches that's weird I can't think of a time a group has done that some people in my life don't want me to zone out as much they want me to focus and they want me to be in the moment and they want me to do this by meditating I don't know if you've ever tried meditating but I've been trying it this is how you meditate okay you sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight which I hate more than Isis and then you take deep breath I don't like sitting up straight all right it's never gonna happen if meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone I'd be the Dali Lama I don't like sitting up straight so you sit up straight and you breathe and this helps you stay in the moment don't bother the moment is mediocre at best yeah I mean it's fine let's all try right now let's all be in the moment in silence right now sucked right not fun at all that was boring you got a zone out you have an imagination you have a movie theater in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for like 2025 minutes and all of a sudden you're like oh my god I'm driving and you remember yeah I'm going 75 miles an hour I have been for a while I could have changed so many lives sometimes my wife I have this wife she'll be like are you watching the road and I'm always like I am looking through the windshield and I'm not gonna hit anyone but no I'm thinking about the Beatles for years I was a child and during that time I went to a school right but I was terrible in school I was awful at it my worst subject was math and in the grade school that I went to they did this thing one year where they divided all the kids up into two different math groups right based on your abilities and the first group that you could be in was called the Blue Angels and it was named after the famous aviators and the other group was called group - yeah oh we were a swell bunch of kids in group - best part of it is we picked the name ourselves the teacher was like what are we gonna call you group - and we were like a bingo you got it right there or in five is 12 - anxious for a lot of things I get very nervous all the time not even about like major life things just like about in everyday situations like this is my regular speaking voice but if I'm in a public bathroom and someone knocks - suddenly on the stall door I go into a whole different speaking voice which is someone's in here someone's in here so if they're gonna be like I think there's a carnival barker in there I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival I decided to do something about all this anxiety recently I decided I was gonna try and get a xanax prescription I don't know if anyone here has ever tried xanax but it's fantastic very muted claps for xanax you don't really get rused it's more like yeah I didn't know how to get his an ex prescription no drugs like that a tricky sometimes but I talked to a friend of mine and he said hey I did this he said that he had a regular doctor's appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor hey doctor sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and the doctor just wrote him a xanax prescription and I was like yeah that's the type of low brow I'm looking for I'll take your advice friend I've never listened to before so I go to a clinic and I go in and I'm just gonna go in for you know a regular type of checkup and at the end I'll ask about xanax so I get to the front desk and they have a why are you here sheet and I want to pick something that will get me in and out really quickly and I look down and I see frequent urination and I was like perfect that'll be a super quick visit you know I'll just be like hey sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor will be like me too crazy right and I'll be like I get nervous on airplanes so I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for three hours I finally go back to the observation room and oh in the observation room there is a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope a Batman necklace and a Batman watch he was kind of moving around the whole time you know he was just like alright I am too blessed to be stressed let's do it what are you allergic to besides work and then he takes something and he throw it over his shoulder and be like beats working like all of his jokes were very anti work which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional the doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says oh you're here for frequent urination how many times a day are you urinating and I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit so I said eleven and that was too many times to say the doctor looks at me says you're being 11 times a day then you may have something wrong with your prostate so what we need to do some of you are ahead of me so I don't know exactly how he phrased it but the gist of it was hey if this visit is to continue I'm going to stick part of my hand up your ass and I didn't know what to say cuz I couldn't be like no that's okay I was lying it was a lie to get drugs you know like a crime so what I did was I pulled down my pants and I walked over to the observation table and I put my hands down on the observation table like this and by the way part of me was like whatever you know you know those days when you're like this might as well happen adult life is already so goddamn weird so I'm bent over like this on the table and the doctor comes up behind me goes no no no not on your hands on your elbows and he knocks me down like that and this is so much worse than this I don't know why I think it's that this has like a little remaining dignity to it you know what I mean this is sort of like go stick it in I am an American this is like you're leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you're like ah we are approaching Martinique we knocked me down to my elbows and then he stuck his hand in and you know how sometimes you're like I bet I know what most things feel like you know you just big deal no I did not know what this was gonna feel like and this was the actual sound I made I went but I didn't say it like it came from my vocal cords but it was totally involuntary It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light and then when he pulled his hand out we've gotten to know each other pretty well so I will phrase this as delicately as I can I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like you cause the only thing that's ever come out of your butt before has been he pulls his hand out and I thought that I was into his hand so I yelled I'm sorry [Applause] this is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors and so far he's had to deal with oh I'm sorry and he didn't even let me off the hook you know he wasn't like I don't worry you didn't into my hand he just threw his glove away and was like yeah and that's about to ask about xanax but then he said all right your prostates fine but we still need to do a blood test so I pulled up my pants and shuffled away feeling different and he yells out into the hall he goes hey we're doing a blood test get in here and Batman dances back in and he's like all right we're gonna do a blood test you look different let's do it the doctor left the room so I'm alone with Batman I just need this blood test to be over okay but first I had to tell Batman saying I said Batman look I'm one of those people who when you take blood from me sometimes I can faint and I was in the waiting area for three hours and I haven't eaten all day and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint and Batman said to me and I'll never forget it Shh you're not gonna faint so I stick my arm out Batman puts the needle in I immediately collapse on the ground I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table I wake up I opened my eyes and I see Batman's face he's looking at me he goes you got a go and I said can I please talk to the doctors no first because sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and Batman said the doctors gone so I got my stuff and I left the moral of the story is that if you've been nervous your entire life you should ask your doctor about xanax because if you lied to him he will stick his finger in your ass and if you do suffer from frequent urination keep it to yourself I went to that clinic two years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving who did I run into but Batman and he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed I watched too much crime stuff I do too many crime dramas I love law and order that is my favorite show on television I love it's good I love love order because it's the same episode every single time like it's the same thing again and again law and order is to the point that like you see the same types of characters on every law and order some of my personal favorites there is a guy who while being questioned by homicide detectives will not stop unloading crates doesn't matter to this guy double rape and murder nah he's gotta unload that van the detectives will show up with all these serious questions and this guy is just like Tony Ramirez yeah I remember him used to work here Tuesdays right it's like dude people have died how often are you questioned by homicide detectives I love law and order and I miss Jerry Orbach more than certain dead relatives of mine he was the best he was the best for those of you that don't know who that is Jerry Orbach he was a wonderful actor he played detective Lennie Briscoe on Law & Order for many many years he was also the dad and Dirty Dancing he's the one that put Baby in the corner that's right he was a wonderful actor but a couple years ago he died now you may know that you may not know and I not lying to you Montreal I wouldn't do that after Jerry Orbach died this is absolutely true he donated his eyes to the New York Eye Bank he was an eye donor so there's these signs all around New York that say Jerry Orbach gave his heart and soul to the gift of acting and the gift of sight to two New Yorkers to New Yorkers got Jerry ohrbach's eyes sorry like as a transplant not just to have like they got them put it two different New Yorkers though that is fascinating to me because they're two different New Yorkers they probably don't know each other right they're probably strangers well that would make a great movie would make a great romantic comedy oh I can see the preview now they're just like he's an average guy who only likes sports dude you sold your grandmother's wedding ring what it was for season tickets she's a busy businesswoman who only likes business ma'am could you turn off that Bluetooth we're at a baptism he's March Madness she's Merrill Lynch got it but they have one thing in common they both have Jerry or box eyeballs shoved into their face New Line Cinema presents love at first sight this summer love is spelled with two eyes and the scene I thought a lot about it thank you and the scene where the two where the guy and the girl finally find each other because the first act of the movie they get the eye transplant that's a given rest of the movie they're walking around New York but they keep like criss crossing paths like in that movie serendipity which is not bad so they're walking around you're like oh when are they finally gonna meet and here's the scene where they meet okay cuz if you remember on Law & Order whenever Jerry Orbach saw a dead body he'd make a funny little joke he'd make a one-liner every single time so the guy in the girl are coming down the street from opposite ends of the street alright and there's an alley in the middle of the street and there's a teacher lying dead in the alley and at the same moment they both go school's out and then they lock eyes it's wrong to make fun of people you know but it's so fun sometimes I've written for some TV shows and you know on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people cuz a lot of people could get offended or so it has been explained to me I was once I'll tell you this I was writing for an awards show once and I got into some trouble I wrote a joke for this award show that had the word [ __ ] in it and someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me hey you can't put the word [ __ ] on TV and I said I sure would like to and he said no [ __ ] is as bad as the n-word first off no no it's not do you know how I know it's not I said to him is because we're saying the word [ __ ] and we're not even saying what the N word is if you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even say one of them that's the worst word I turned 30 recently I watched movies very differently because you understand for years and years I was a child and when I would watch an action movie I would identify with the action hero who's trying to help people now when I watch an action movie I only identify with like the side characters who are often the corner rolling their eyes you know the ones that I like spider-man like those types that's how I'd feel if I heard about a spider-man you know was my fav you knows my favorite action hero when I was a kid was Michael J Fox is Marty McFly in Back to the Future that was when he was my hero I loved Marty McFly he's great right I wanted to be like him in every way I watched that movie again recently Marty McFly is a 17 year old high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist and I [ __ ] you not they never explained how they became friends and we were all fine with it we never even asked you know that we were just like who's his best friend a disgraced nuclear physicist okay yeah pursued yeah no no just good proceed with the movie I know back to the future is a great movie in a hit movie it's a very weird movie I just watched it again it has a lot of weird things in it two guys had to go in and sell that movie two guys had to go into a movie studio and be like okay so we have an idea for the next huge family action movie and it's about a guy named Marty and he's a he's a high school student and he's very lazy he's always sleeping late they're like okay okay is he is he cool like Ferris Bueller now but he has a best friend yeah you know who's a you know a disgraced nuclear physicist I'm sorry I'm confused this is this is another student or oh no no no no no this other guy's either like 40 or 80 even even we don't know how old he's supposed to be anyway so one so one day the boy and the scientist they build a time machine whoa okay okay I think I see where this is going now let me guess they they build a time machine and they go back in time and they stop the Kennedy assassination ah no no is a really good idea yeah we didn't even think of that okay well what do they do with the time machine well now I am embarrassed to say all right all right here goes nothing we thought we thought you know that it would be fun for people if the boy you know he went back in time and he tried to [ __ ] his mom we just we thought that that would be fun and then oh yeah no but no but don't worry he doesn't he doesn't get to [ __ ] the mom because this family friend named Biff shows up and he tries to rape the mom you know in front of the Sun and then the dad he has to beat the rapist off of her and we're also gonna say that a white man wrote Johnny be good so we're gonna take that away from them well this sounds like a fantastic movie we are definitely gonna make this now you say that they go to the past do you want to call it back to the past nine I now back to the future right but they go to the past yeah I don't mean to complain about censorship at all though because as you probably have seen by now you can basically say whatever you want on television it's ridiculous you can say anything you want and if you don't believe me you should watch a little program called Law & Order Special Victims Unit yeah a show that I love because on that show you can say the grossest things you've ever heard in your life no you can't say like the f-word you can't say that on Special Victims Unit but people walk around on SVU going like looks like the victim had anal contusions looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victims ear canal those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order SVU at 3:00 in the afternoon both spoken by ice-t I stink is a detective with the Special Victims Unit he handles New York's most sensitive cases I love ice-t on SVU he is fantastic he's awesome what's so great about him is that he's been with the SVU for like 11 years now but he still treats every case like it's his first in terms of total confusion sometimes no be in the middle of an investigation and ice-t would be like yo you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails like yes he's a pedophile you work in the Sex Crimes Division you're gonna have to get used to that you know how they try and tie in like current events to every episode SVU so there's there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction because a lot of celebrities had come out as sex addicts so the episodes about sex addiction there is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach ice-t what sex addiction is and it takes a couple of minutes and finally ice-t gets it and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes oh I get it you mean like when someone drinks too much horse snorts cocaine or bets the house on the ponies I was like yeah you got it man and I was psyched that ice-t understood so that they could continue with the investigation but I could have watched another four hours of ice-t just naming examples just that close up an iced tea like or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes or like when someone shops too much for credit cards or like when someone plays too many Scratchy lotteries or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barf setup and he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say executive producer Dick Wolf that'd be my ideal episode that'd be a good name I also watched the show called cold-case files on cold-case files they solve old murders and it's really interesting because what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA it was ridiculously easy like what was even going on back then what was a murder investigation like in 1935 one cop would just walk in and be like detective we found a pool of the killer's blood in that hallway you just be like mmm gross now then back to my hunch look for clues I'll tell you what we'll do well the trot shock around where the body is that way we'll know where it was a couple years ago I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp was about old bank robbers and stuff here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30s as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived you had a 99 percent chance of getting away with it to the point that like those old bank robbers they take credit for the bank robberies like they come running out of there and they're like ha ha ha and if anyone asks you tell them it was gold and Joe with the seconds gang and then they like shoots uh guns into the side of the wall like what we're bullets free back then and they don't even disguise themselves they dress up for the bank robbery they're rolling in there in like big suits and hats like they're going to church in Atlanta they make a day of it talk to a lot of people before I got engaged you know and I heard this expression about whether or not you should get married this is an old expression people say this they say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free you ever heard that before it's a bananas insulting expression to an entire gender but also it makes no sense why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free you're not allowed to milk a cow that you don't own that's not even a situation was that a problem at one point like in the dairy community was that happening like a hundred years ago in some village some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like I take your milk and the farmer was like one of them this is your cow now and he was like no no proof of purchase and he ran off into the night that sounded Dutch right you know what that you know what that expression means it means why would you marry a woman if she's already having sex with you which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore now it's like why buy the cow question mark maybe because every day the Kyle asks you when you're gonna buy it you live in a really small apartment with the cow so you can't avoid that question at all and also the cow is way better at arguing than you are and the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue why buy the cow question mark maybe because every time another cow gets bought you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale and your cow looks over at you the entire time like and does not enjoy the sale at all even though she's the lung I wanted to go to the sale and she's especially mad because that farmer and cow met like eight months after you guys met why buy the cow well let's be real here you're very lucky to have the cow that you do have their roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for John by the most liberal of estimates there have been about eight cows total several um milked and a lot of people think that you like Bulls and if you just thought they assumed it when you search your name the third thing to come up is like john mulaney bull question mark and if you just bought the cow nobody would say that any more they'll still say it because there are those guys who they buy a cow and then on the side total Matador but but for real Chicago why buy the cow let's be real why buy the cow because you love her you really do and yeah yeah sure she's a bossy little Kubik she takes care of you and you don't want to be some old man stumbling around like hey you seen any loose milk

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Views: 3,922,632

Rating: 4.9331837 out of 5

Keywords: john mulaney, comedy, stand up comedy, funny, best of john mulaney, why buy the cow, delta airlines, back to the future, 33 minutes of john mulaney, laugh planet, john mulaney stand up

Id: t2fgzC8jqp8

Length: 34min 44sec (2084 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 23 2020