Being Funny (2011) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

I'm Jimmy Carr these are my jokes let's not [ __ ] about did you see me before who's never seen me before you sound happier no entirely sure this is working according to Ofcom the people that made the guidelines for television according to Ofcom the most offensive words on TV are the F word and the C word but I'm live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the [ __ ] I like those [ __ ] can't do anything about it I trouble getting out tonight had to organise a babysitter I don't have children cheaper than escorts she's 17 there's nothing she won't do for 50 pounds so half a joke now isn't it cuz it's quite funny but also true when I'm away from home I sometimes get lovesick Wow they call it chlamydia I spend a lot of my time away from home because this is my job I travel around the country telling jokes to people I love it but I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels because I have to travel I was in a hotel a couple of weeks ago walked into the hotel room as I walked in there just on the TV it said the adult channel is disabled well that's a bit specialist I'm joking I was gutted no space porn [Music] I'm sure you've all seen this perming on trains they've got seats reserved for elderly disabled and pregnant people begs the question who's [ __ ] all these old cripples do you hear anything so dumb it's almost brilliant so stupid it just it takes you a moment to work out what just happened I'll give you an example I was on a bus I heard this girl get on the bus walk up to the driver and go can I get returned and the driver went where to and she went back here it took me like an extra beat what's going on oh she's a [ __ ] idiot okay supposed people worry about their physical appearance we've all got silly hangups personally I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two I shaved my testicles I called them Brazil nuts makes me giggle the first few weeks are joining Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet all together or not at all on the laughter I think feed-line punchline laughs don't [ __ ] about you're getting it late nonsense and I've only ginger people in tonight we're gonna need ginger people contain the problem they're good ginger people get given a hard time people say very unkind things about gingers but I think you should be destroyed humanely I can talk check out the look I'm rocking like a Lego Hitler when I broke up with my last girlfriend I said I said I blame myself I should never have let you let yourself go oh you have so you have to [ __ ] off do you read the Sunday papers no meme Jill read the Sunday papers I like the papers on a Sunday morning think it's a nice time to reflect on the last week and also to look ahead for the next week we've read the Sunday papers like the news world in in bed Sunday morning couple of weeks ago Tito's Sunday papers what could be nicer what could be more British anyway my girlfriend turns to me there's some sex scandal in the news of the world is there invariably is and we'll girlfriend turned to me and when I open never find out you're having an affair said me too you could be the moral arbiter on this one Birmingham right you'd be the moral arbiter on this one this evening I've got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend she ended their relationship just because he said something they were they were making love they were mid-coitus [ __ ] as he orgasm does he as he as he arrived jack elated came most intimate but also the most vulnerable time for a man as as that occurred as he he said bang and the dirties gone I can see two distinct groups of men there's someone looking at me as if to say I don't know that's a bad I think maybe she's overreacted a little bit and then I can see other men looking at me as if to say note to self you got to be very careful with jokes in the bedroom cuz it's quite funny to say to a girl who's sucking you off rude to talk with your mouth full but it's even funnier if she says well it's not full [Music] having sex with someone at work is alright as long as you don't work in a primary school I've got a friend who's a part-time teacher but they're all part-time are their teachers in come on to your own time you're wasting where the teachers give us a shout the teachers and what was it the first attracted you to worm children not all teachers obviously that be mental but PE teaches they're wrong and you know what PE is short for pedo you can live that up you know why so many American kids die in high school massacres it's because they're not allowed to run in the corridors take your time without that's wrong in a number of levels so I don't know if you've noticed this perming it's very difficult to get the first kiss right you wanna be firm but gentle you want to be manly you don't wake her up first dates are very delicate is anyone on a first date this evening is anyone on the first date no on your own seems a little bit suspect doesn't it we're going somewhere very special oh sorry I realized women don't masturbate you just expect us to believe you really enjoy baths well my foot my butt well good luck if you're on a first date to see first dates are very delicate because if you call her the next day she'll think you're too keen she'll beep off if you never phoned she'll think the worst of you so what I do as a compromises I phone to the next day I'm call her a slack sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further will it ruin the friendship things get hot and heavy on the so for one night you think this doesn't feel right you're my best friend you're not even allowed on the couch table john-boy did I say down boy I've made it gay I [ __ ] a girl with one leg should he use my [ __ ] I realized this joke does not require a mine Saturday night in Birmingham come on I said to my girlfriend I said I said you want to experiment with a roleplay rape fantasy she said no I said that's the spirit rape is such a horrible word though it's such a harsh brutal awful word rape that's why I prefer to call it a struggle snuggle you couldn't stay mad at a struggle snuggles could you bloody adorable um no I've been a comedian now for about ten years I've been doing this job for about ten years and I thought this year I thought this year I would try and get a bit better not a crazy idea right one of the things that was quite weak on with regional accents is anyone here good at regional accents you could barely say the word yes they're so good at talking nevermind accents but I was no good at doing regional accents and it's one of those things that as a comedian it's quite good if you could be good at regional accents cuz you're good for telling jokes but I thought well I'll go away I'll do some research this evening I would like to give you a masterclass in regional accents because I've discovered the secret and the secret is this all you need is a key phrase to get you started in the regional dialect and then you're golden once you get started once you get in your head you find but getting started can be tricky so I'll kick off with watching what I'll kick off with scouts any Scouse is in we've got scouts are over there where's this guy so give us a shout and we're not gonna take you benefits away [Music] this is the phrase I use to do the scowl Saxon this is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in this cows awesome chicken and a conical Hold'em chicken and I fanuc all awesome chicken on a car walking on the chemical the little head bobble just comes if you say a few times awesome chicken and I cannot call let's make the scousers feel at home let's everyone on three Alton chicken and a conical okay one two three fantastic Barbie buddy well done obviously that's just to get you started once you get started then you can say something properly or authentically Scouts Alton chicken on a conical I'm going on the Rob I've got to get a Prezi it's me Gran's birthday she's 30 [Music] anyone in from Belfast anyone from Belfort you're built Belfast where's Belfast hey Belfast this is the phrase I used to get the Belfast accent right ginger and community [Music] the terrifying stare is optional we find it helps ginger and community community has more syllables than you thought a hat okay let's try everyone let's go Belfast a ginger and community one two three you're now all qualified to say there's a bomb in the car roller coaster pooper-scooper Oompa Loompa kawasaki for unrelated words meaningless in all respects other than if you're trying to do the Geordie accent in which case they're a [ __ ] gift roller coaster school bar Kawasaki [Music] altogether rule our course tar-bar school parties in know presumably they're outside with their shirts off fighting I wonder what the fellows are up to well should we go any Walsch people in my god we got an army hello now I've discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn't so much a phrase it's more a state of mind to do a good Welsh accent you've just got a sound confused whose Court is that jacket [Music] who shoes are those trainers it's all try Oh Scott is that jacket who shoes are those trainers see those two houses the one in the middle is mine [Music] that paper you're sitting on are you reading that I came out of the shop and there was my bike gone anyone from Manchester no one from Manchester Manchester Spray the Erickson's pretty easy for Manchester you just need three words side alright not bad [Music] she one of my best friends is from Manchester he's called Ally he was named after where he was conceived any Scottish people we got Scottish hello living the stereotype on you love obviously the Scottish accent portly the best phrase to use is there's been a murder chances on the property [ __ ] has been of course living in Scotland the main benefits are unemployment and housing see the scousers is a perked up like a Chafee me account there is a bit of a drink problem in Scotland I hope you don't mind me saying yeah up there they think I'm a double act and the drunks you wouldn't believe the [ __ ] drugs were about to Scotland you from for William I don't know where the [ __ ] that is what sorry you've got sort of Warren acts and meet your speech impediment I think the Loch Ness monster you introducing yourself [Music] sorry I'm sorry for the drugs in at the drugs in Scotland my up it's got a no call to methadone it's got a can't believe it's not heroin think the easiest accident in the UK is the West Country because the West Country is just a pirate voice in it who can't do a [ __ ] pirate voice I've gone on a date with my sister Oh my mammy doesn't find out I'm cheating on her are there people in from the West Country not being patronizing I just will be a little treat for you to see a ham with five fingers [Music] now won't be the phrase if I was gonna try and do the Birmingham accent what would be the phrase for Birmingham won't be the thing if I was gonna alright alright the other phrases seems to come up a lot in Birmingham is it's [ __ ] shitty alright it's [ __ ] shitty any other phrases for Birmingham what other what was that that was just all vowels what was it hey yo all right now ah and you're a stroke said I shouldn't really joke about stroke survivor of a stroke are we laughing out the other side of my face [Music] are there any other words any other key phrases for Birmingham watery Caputo how am ya poorly educated [Applause] the only other exotic accents in the rooms anyone from overseas or any more exciting anyway and it won't anyone from the UK that we've missed and you any other place in the UK Jersey you haven't gone accent you tax-dodging scum [Applause] who knew there was that much anti Jersey feeling it was simmering under finally someone said it you're basically French now [ __ ] off well it's more different accent we haven't covered Essex you mucky milf you [ __ ] slag [ __ ] slag I don't know how they make Essex men presumably a man [ __ ] a chicken any others well sorry Ozzie I can do what I can do is you're sure 25 pounds a ticket I thought we priced you out you're sure so I like another what bloody well say with it totally frugal cricket my favourite Yorkshire phrase is tin tin tin which means it isn't in the Tin Tin Tin Tin Tintin teen do we have a who's upwards Australian gives it give it a chance Ronnie man you still [ __ ] there where are you Julien I can do easy the prime minister or the president I can never remember but I could do out from home away careful one he is you're acting like a bloody hoon mate all arrogant a prize girl are never the [ __ ] go Aries whereabouts are not straight are you from Melbourne so you weren't affected by the flooding will you without why you start so high up well taking any [ __ ] chances but I'm gonna make his people you know people lost everything in the flooding cuz they'd forgotten to tie their kangaroos down serious people drowned and you wouldn't have expected that cuz they're all wearing hats with corks on any others what was that one you're Chinese you don't really sound Chinese sir with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would it would you know would smack over a Z lace ism [Music] well that took you a long time in there got it any others Jamaican you know my name is you aware this oh well this would be a treat for you I like everyone in the room now to say my name in a Jamaican accent one two three I am Jamaica [Laughter] [Music] bumbaclot you got some bumble Clarkson they've gone bloody minute any others Dublin where where's the Dublin hello you from Dublin I saw the documentary about your weddings I thought was terrific that's my phone you know I'm a plastic paddy what they call a plastic paddy of the Irish parents Irish passport born in Ireland but I speak and present myself in this way because it was raised and educated in the Home Counties which goes to show what you can do when you apply yourselves it's my favorite my fame my favorite Irish joke maybe I may be only Irish people get this joke I'll tell you and see what's the difference between a riot and a gypsy wedding you can't buy a gate at a riot maybe that's just an Irish thing huh well it will move on every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception so I thought I do now show you some of the pictures I've done to illustrate the next jokes you wanna see them excellent news cuz that is what happens next I've had some ideas I'll kick off with some ideas I've had an idea for a rape alarm but when you press it it plays the Benny Hill theme music you know to make it more of a caper some advice for you the best way to test the temperature of a bath is with the baby's elbow I've had an idea of how to prop up our currency to pound against the euro and the dollar what we do is we print new pounds and this time the Queen is smiling and if things get really bad tits out your majesty well joke for you what you gave you across the Queen and Prince Phillip killed in a tunnel it's been 14 years get over it all right point taken I'll drop that from the Royal Variety I say that Prince Philip have already piss himself although he's 82 probably piss himself anyway some thoughts for you when you think about it a rhino is just a unicorn that didn't monster ice gillette gillette claims to be the best a man can get what about a [ __ ] from twins what happened to jed woods the speed men shave in adverts if I shaved at that kind of speed my balls are being shreds when I was told I was bipolar I didn't know whether to laugh or cry friend of Mines got OCD for those of you that don't know OCD is an abbreviation it's just a shorter quicker way of saying I'd be a really annoying girlfriend true story if all the veins in your body were laid out in a straight line you would die let's talk about some social issues my neighbor is noisy and nosey he's always banging on the walls shelters anyone there I've fallen anyone there it's none of your business of anyone's here still he's gone quiet now childhood is now effectively over by eleven which is when the pubs closed and Uncle Terry gets home Oh uncle Terry I was traumatized as a child our priest was cheating on me I just want to reach out to people that attempt suicide and say come on have another go keys to the city that's a weird thing is there the keys to the city of course I don't have that in Liverpool do they you just get given a coat hanger as a fashion statement socks with sandals says I'm either a German a pedophile or a [ __ ] quite possibly all three apologies 20 pedophiles or cons we have in it's not gonna be any Germans a comedy gig help let's talk about health that's important isn't it I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy it's a good idea to take off your wedding ring so I did posh spice Victoria Beckham she's so thin she's gotta be careful when she has a bath because if the water's too hot she could turn into stock [Music] obese children put a lot of strain on the NHS not to mention seesaws and swings you know if things carry on as they are it's predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43 I tell you what let's talk about religion that couldn't possibly upset anyone if Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is to be in Christ then on all Christians just in the way Jesus says he loves me by worry about the age gap now you'll notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I've let him bum me I've got a Muslim friend who's really religious feel the tension in the room I've I've got Muslim friend he's really religious he knows the Koran backwards which is handy cuz that's how you read it surprisingly well-informed an inoffensive joke about the Islamic site and that's because I'm not a [ __ ] idiot while the Christians gonna do forgive me good luck with that speaking of Christians any Catholics in Catholics Catholics are a weird bunch look at the rosary basically anal beads [Applause] ah excellent now I think the next thing for me career-wise ladies gentlemen will be doing some sort of interview show or a talk to people you know this kind of set up couple us a couple of chairs you're faced off against each other Parkinson Jonathan Ross Graham not in those kind of shows that'd be great to get but you can't just start doing that on TV like day one that'll be tricky so why the world would do on this tour is practice get someone out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing so to that end does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame oh cool your hands gone straight up what do you do you were on TV in Poland I will take that to mean you work in the adult film business so you've been on polish TV okay well that deserves a claim to fame wild on you and and polish radio well finally that's what been sealed the deal [Music] okay any other claims to fame interesting jobs any other some you could be from anywhere you're a prick who's a priest you're a priest I'm looking at you I'm thinking you might have had some dealings with priests just stand up just for a second just turn round to just so people can see I mean am I am I being cynical really deafening our [ __ ] priest any other interesting jobs while sorry you owned your own pizza shop you sell [ __ ] chop with yourself I own my own pizza shop no there's a massive problem with obesity in this country you should be [ __ ] ashamed Pizza well done well done and you the best pizza you say voted best pizza in Britain by you best independent pizzicato world what was I didn't care the first time any other unusual jobs or claims to fame you're a what a funeral director your voice couldn't go any better with your job dude pinche to you okay so a funeral director that's pretty that's interesting I like there's a job that's fascinating any other interesting jobs what's your name Caroline what you do Caroline you work in TV what what are you doing TV you work on what sorry you work on Holby City well done I love it done with Holby City I think the [ __ ] genius move with hobby city recently was was casting Hugh Laurie and changing the location to America thank you I think we should talk to the funeral should we talk to the funeral director gilad I know more the chances of you getting down here don't [ __ ] jump I'll have to bury you but if you can make your way down to here then we could talk to funeral during that sounds exciting while he's making his way down yeah give me this matter he's making his way while he's while he's making his way down cuz it's a big old venue he takes a minute any other claims to fame in the room any other any other exciting you're a what you're a paleontologist in Birmingham in case any dinosaurs this is dinosaur bones yes and you look at those not just dinosaurs have you another part-time job in either of you what else do you look at different fossils Wow I know I'm sure paleontology oh that's a brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do but I did a project on dinosaurs when I was six and I loved it I was very excited now I did lots of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on dinosaurs and I loved them and then what I did and this is an interesting note to you I grew up I'm still doing my dinosaur book I like it what's a while I'll indulge you what's your favorite dinosaur a Velociraptor because of Jurassic Park oh you might as well have said Barney I'm only worried that there's been a death in the village and he's been pulled away where the [ __ ] is he why the [ __ ] logic you come from right how are you sir have a sit down I'm all right what you sorry how AM yeah I've I too bad be our Booker okay you're not a gangster rappers you just hold that look at all that like a normal human being okay what what's your name I didn't even get your name John John okay well I'll tell you I'll set this up properly hello my name is Jimmy Carr I'm joined this evening by John the funeral director from Birmingham what is your what does your sort out what your average day involve men coffins and doing funerals and doing funerals making coffins yeah collecting deceased I'm slightly terrified by you so you collect the body so in a hearse or in a transit in the poor ambulance like a transit but a bit more sophisticated on Beulah is it just a transit with ambulance written on it impaired okay so you go and collect them from the fact so you have to turn up all kind of you know the black suit and stuff to you yeah yeah yeah that's a nobody recognizes me recognized you anyway because they're dead it's uh probably from you know must be lovely to me someone who's still breathing be [ __ ] change for you um you get involved in the embalming not so much no when I first started I had a bit yeah I said I'll pay with a degree and stuff but not so much now I've been doing it overdoing it years sorry so not so much now and it sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it no no hang on get away from that that's operating now now uh I tend not to do much with the bodies anymore if that's the wrong thing to say you don't do so much with the bodies now and more to do with coffins and funerals and now have you you walk in this industry is there any now necrophilia is something that's talked about how many asking because cuz people think they're gonna get away with it but ultimately you know they'll get caught because some rotten candles blew on them it's my necrophilia joke everyone you're welcome well I've been caught yet you mean cool yeah [Music] I don't need my favorite like funeral joke well not Undertaker job I don't know if this is like based on a true thing but you might know this even there's an old lady beautiful nice old lady and she Gina's your husband's died and she goes to the funeral parlor wait where you would work on it and she talking to the guy that does your job and she says he's beautifully laid out she said oh you know that classic sort of thing always never looked better he looks lovely but but I wanted him to be in his blue suit and you've got many's Browns to could you could you put him in he's in his blue suit no he's brown suit and the guy says not a problem madam and then leans out the door and goes change their heads on two and four because presumably once you're burying them do things get stolen dude the like because people get buried with jewelry and stuff two things are not my feel nice nice watch me just and what did you know you live in Burma well cried leave just outside where we go black racist [Music] what's a that's an interesting tailor how did you get into it how did you get into being a a dude for work experience rose at school you did your work experience it sounds like you turned up to that meeting late what's left sir well you're gonna be working with corpses that's quite a cool thing that was near sure has anyone ever woken up you hear stories about it's something to do with fluids in the spine you hear stories about people kind of bolt upright in are never nothing lot ah no not nothing like that you just position them how you want your away if you've come at me shared a bit about what you do and I think that's an interesting thing to do it's said like it's a life less ordinary work as a funeral director but the kind of corpses and things and and death you've got to deal with it power part of life but whatever and I feel I feel like I should give something back and the thing that I'm good at is writing jokes I'm good at doing sort of one-liners so I'd like to do a joke for you about and it's sort of like my party based John it's what I can do oh I can offer the world as jokes so what would you like a joke about could be anything at all could be funeral directing could be getting married could be anything you want anything at all I will write a joke a lot off the top man just really quick drum and bass music why did why did the lion get lost in the forest Adam ah because jungle is massive yes [Applause] I don't know I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing so one would go for something else go for something more difficult we'll do anything at all these abstract as you want motorbikes alright okay okay so two motorcycle guys like bikers like like Hells Angel bikers right two guys massive bikes ago the walk into a bar they're all in the harley-davidson carro ever what helmets on walk into a bar barman sees him coming the barman goes drinks gentlemen and the bikers go cheese and onion crisps [Applause] that's pretty good as helpful and now [Music] we don't we don't this is like a set up thing I didn't I don't know you're right so a lot off the top my head it just you said bikers you coulda said anything or motorbikes and I do bikers and off the top and two of them and then brilliant John everyone's you [ __ ] applause John thank you so much thanks John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliance motorbike joke just [ __ ] with you it's in nicest man I hope when I die he buries me don't interfere John didn't like it when I was alive right more me um my girlfriend said to me during sex she said did you remember to lock the front door I said yeah there's no way you're gonna escape I had a relationship with a blind girl which was rewarding but challenging it took me ages to get our husband's voice right [Music] you didn't see that coming neither did she who picks up guide dog [ __ ] [Music] some young women drink so much they blackout car remember what happened the night before if that's you don't worry love I made a video shouldn't joke my granddad was an alcoholic we used to call him alcopops I remember we used to press flowers why I said that used to fall over a lot in the garden have you been to the cinema recently is everyone me to the cinema scene there's an advert now in the cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs because it's not the real cinema experience and then it goes on to say because if you buy a pirate DVD someone might get up in the middle of the film we go for a piss and you think yeah that is annoying but it's a lot like being in a cinema my ex-girlfriend bought me the Karma Sutra last year as a gift which put me in a very awkward position I'd like to talk about a sex act that I don't fully understand are you all familiar with the 69 yes no I like the 69 as much as the next man oppa is a man that'd be terrible I lied the 60 on but I don't but I don't really understand it because it's an incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being but how does the 69 ever occur only ever happens when the man says to the woman would you do that thing I like and the mom goes y'alright bond if you do that thing that I like the mangos not a problem or where you go and the woman says no because the last time I did the thing that you liked you a little bit sleepy afterwards you [ __ ] off to sleep you said we'll call it a 68 it's like a 69 buy owe you one I like everything about the 69 apart from the view the perineum or taint I like to call it the Amanda Holden because like Amanda Holden on Britain's Got Talent last year it's a bit between the our soul and the [ __ ] here's [ __ ] Morgan he's interviewing people now when I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson's I didn't mean he's [ __ ] job you shaking your head our Parkinson's joke that's inappropriate [Applause] right let's try some Rudolph's here we go along lady wind queefing Fannie farts the expulsion of air from the vajayjay during sexual intercourse a [ __ ] grunt there are two main responses when a queef occurs some couples it doesn't matter how gnarly or squelchy the noise they deny the queef anything no didn't hear anything some couples it's a funny little noise they have a little giggle they move on not a problem I'll let you go a third way I like to pretend the vagina is talking to me what's that there's a boy trapped down a well I like to think of myself as the vagina whisperer lady getting a phone call I imagine the drugs were arriving any moment right you switched it off and it rang anyway well I'm not buying that [ __ ] story don't worry it's okay honey your phone don't feel bad it's a what sorry it's a late alarm to come and see me come and see me and I are [ __ ] late you're not the one I booked for the interval are you it's very difficult to get dirty talk right if you know is this it's really forgot to get dirty too right like in a long-term relationship it's fine because you know where your boundaries are you know your partner but on a one-night stand fraught with danger I've got a story concerning a friend of mine he's quite good at pulling we were all at a party together and he pulled the girl that none of us knew ended up back at her place that night having sex weld on him high five so he told us a story the next day he said she started it they were they were having sank she said talk dirty to me or more accurately talk dirty to me so from the rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this and this would be fine for many of the ladies here within the confines of the bedroom within the boudoir this would be an okay thing to say with a long-term loving trusting partner on a one-night stand maybe not he said you loved it you [ __ ] she said I'm not a [ __ ] and there was a very awkward moment awkward as moments can be when you've just insulted someone your balls deep in he apologized profusely needless to say and they moved on imagine there's a story there well you know how when you got a phrase you're not meant to say it's all you can think to say it's on the tip of your tongue so like two minutes later right my friend he's somehow lost track of what he wasn't meant to say says it again you love it you [ __ ] I'm not a [ __ ] and he got into an argument with her he didn't mean to his like a reflex when she said I'm not a [ __ ] for the second time he went oh we have just met she said you don't know me he said well that just proves my point are there any couples in this evening give us a share of the couples lots of couples in tonight this is a bit silly I think but for Valentine's I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as their present didn't realize they're transferable turns out they accept them or her work [Music] you get to the stage in a long-term relationship what you want to experiment sexually but you know it can be awkward and why she finds out I'm 10 years into a relationship now and he won't be there anyone longer than 10 years what's the longest we go on the room for 1326 anymore more than 26 28 more than 2800 long for sorry you've been you've been together for 43 years I think come on 43 years now why obviously I don't know what it's like after 43 years I think that's an extraordinary commitment especially in this day and age that is quite something but I don't if it's the same for you because I've only been together with my girl for 10 years but things have got quite predictable in the bedroom now when I lower my entire ball bag into her mouth she is pretty much guaranteed to wake up same you can see that you just went yes you look worried on their behalf they'll be married 43 years don't panic they've tried everything what's your relationship with them how do you know them that's your mum and dad while I hope the image of your dad teabagging your mum [Applause] I don't know about looking your parents in the eyes again I know that you'll be able to bring to you sorry but this will be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I do need to talk about my sexual exploits even with close friends never kiss and tell always just keep you know keep it private private life for a reason private now I'll talk about anything it's great for me because it's a catharsis but also I think it's good for everyone because you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and a bit more normal because you know there's weird things here's an example of an intimate detail I don't mind sharing with you my girlfriend can't have orgasms during intercourse but it's not a problem because I [Music] I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face [Music] one my first girlfriend choked to death it was a terrible blow there are inequalities between the sexes and I think it's universally acknowledged men get an easier deal in our society to women but I can think of an example where men get a very raw deal you know early on in a relationship before you live together when you're just kind of staying over each others house it's very exciting phase in a relationship in the history of the world no man has ever been staying over a girl's house and found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there's been a problem there is only one reaction on record and that is as follows Kiki Eli but when she finds a latex vagina in your sock drawer there is hell to pay the nation's must be made I say sock drawers actually the office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist right let's have it from the the men at Birmingham gives a shout the men specifically give me a shout the heterosexual men of Birmingham just a little bit lower have you all have you had the conversation the pub conversation the classic pub conversation if you had to sleep with a man who would it be if you had that conversation you have that conversation you have another conversation I will save you the embarrassment so I tell you what happens in that conversation so you're in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life whatever out of nowhere you make goes if you had to sleep with a man who'd it be well it wouldn't so wouldn't be anyone if you actually who to be what I wouldn't so won't be anyone if you act you though well I wouldn't know so no one if you had to holla wouldn't but if you act her sleeping the man who would've been one wouldn't but if you act you though what I wouldn't know so no one if you had to but if you act you though but if you are to though what a wooden but if you add two I wouldn't if you add two I wouldn't if you act justly be the man who would it be I wouldn't but if you had to but if you actually though if you add two I wouldn't have you out too well [Music] [Applause] I've got cused of being gay dear but I was on stage Juna Keegan I had a pink shirt on and someone accused me of being gay but gates gay shirt pink shirt gay I can't think of a more masculine color for a shirt than a pink shirt because a pink shirt shows the world you don't know how a wash on what could be more masculine I often get asked what celebrities have you been with have you have you slept with and I don't wanna give it the bigand but it was years ago so it probably doesn't matter if I say do you want to know Gary Glitter [Music] have any of you seen my impressions have you seen any my impressions before I don't do many I do I do a few um I do want for you now I'm are there any em are there any lesbians in does anyone enjoy smashing pasties are there any lesbians there must be some lesbian surely what is there a pool tournament on well where are the lesbian see up there somewhere oh there's some lesbians up there I said list means over here hello girls how are you you're very nice to have you in the impression that I do there's more a piece of physical theater than impression per se but it's the home on the cameraman is coming to get the lesbians it's it's it's more a piece of physical theater than impression but it's actually it's it's the breakup of a same-sex relationship between two women and I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish one love breaks down when you still love that person but you're no longer in love with that person and you've got to go you several ways would you like me to perform with you no okay what do you think was gonna happen I feel duty-bound now Tara what's your name madam what shoot sure al okay fine sure al sure we'll go we shot on who you wait who's the other half Rosie hi I feel duty-bound to ask you the question I've asked every lesbian I've ever met what would it take to get you back on solids oh I got a maybe yes I'm to Bacardi breezers away come on I often get asked about heckles that's a very common question for me people want to know what's your favorite heckle what's the worst heckle that kind of thing and I was doing a gig last year on the rapier wit with a look at the last tour and doing a joke about the Paralympics now when you're doing a joke about the Paralympics you've got to be a little bit careful when you're setting up a piece of material like that that you're not [ __ ] witted disrespectful so we're setting up quite carefully I've got one sentence in all I said was my favourite event at the Paralympics and this guy at the back of the room quick as a [ __ ] flash when grifoll jump I wish I hadn't by [ __ ] piss myself the other one I loved I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front-and-center this conference centre where you're sitting there madam out of nowhere 20 minutes into the gig he just went dragon so there wasn't a massive pause before he said dragon that was just to let you know what happened there in my head I had to go who's caught is that jacket to get he started in my head 20 minutes in he just went dragon he went dragon on you but what you want even as I could joke about that dragon please and he said it like I was the [ __ ] for turning up in Wales for the only dragon based humour so in there in the interval I felt duty-bound to go and write a joke about a dragon you wanna hear my dragon joke okay two dragons walk into a pub don't panic Johnny make sense billion [Laughter] I love John I'm just imagining a funeral cause you know what do they call it when the funeral one that all the cars procession yeah a funeral procession with drum and bass Barbara as your host got blue lights underneath it that'd be quite good that looking like like it was haunted two dragons walk into a bar one says to the other sign here the other one says shut your mouth now I thought what we might do this evening Boehm obviously you've all come out to see the show this evening I'm very grateful for that I love my job I love the fact you come out see me live but we're all sort of friends here and you've bought tickets to come and see me and the show so I tend not to get heckled in the way that I used to get heckled when I used to play the Klumps when I used to play the club's you were unannounced but you know the venue was bigger than the name so people come along they wouldn't be invested if they didn't like it they would shout rude things how I used to love that proper aggressive heckling I thought well why don't we because people tend not to do it at these kind of kicks because people don't want to [ __ ] up the evening for themselves or for anyone else hold your horses just one second people ten one notable exception people tend not to want to [ __ ] the gig up but I thought it's quite nice it's quite a fun thing heckles so why don't we have a heckle amnesty lot two three minutes or you can just fill your boots if you've got something abusive to shout at it you actually got Tourette's that was fun can't [ __ ] bum [ __ ] bum that's a weird thing to shock my bum like the rudest words you know any other heckles what sorry Peter cave was sold out so you had to come here I'm lucky I bet he wouldn't accord you a [ __ ] unfortunately I'm not Peter cane very different kind of show P shows good teeth and any other hackles my crisps tasted rubbish I'll know you dare became Latino there for a second did you see ad crisps Jimmy con carne crisps the good people of walkers for comic relief they brought out a flavor of my crisps and it was me and Al Murray and Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry and then they made these crisps and every packet they sold they gave five pence to the starving people in Africa and I said to them why don't you just send them the [ __ ] crisps got to make more sense doesn't it because they can't be as fussy about the flavors if you're starving you're fine aren't ya these are a bit no fair enough the other ankles when's the comedy on [Music] what's your name sir what's your name David what's your favorite color David blue seems like the fairest way to do we did David there are so many things I could say number between one and eight David six okay and you said to me when's the comedy on it says if you want my come back you'll have to scrape it off your mum's tea [Music] these things don't lie David these things online I'm kidding she swallowed a lot Williams what sorry I've I've got a big nose what are you [ __ ] [ __ ] I mean I literally don't have a big nose that's a weird hat that's like an insult you've heard someone else use you gone I've got a big [ __ ] laugh that's gonna work best with the comic with the big nose what's your name sir Thomas what do you do Thomas you're a student what are you studying math math tics are you at school Thomas I don't know if we should continue this any further cuz it's time to feel like grooming use go yeah you got a big nose i oven any other heckles Oh what was that that sounded good gone what was that what was it I'm a pedophile I was just [ __ ] chatting to him I've done any of those yes [Music] dad any other ankles yeah well sorry posh prick prick seems a bit harsh what sir what's your name sir Myles Myles and you think I might be a bit posh all right Myles what's your favorite color blue it seems like the fairest way to deal with this you some B lue number between 1 and 8 miles four Oh says if you've come as a [ __ ] you've won anymore for anymore hoodoo folk as a side parting you gonna kick yourself when I tell you me I think you know your doctor isn't great if the STI check is a taste test my girlfriend used to smoke after sex so we started using lubricant [Music] I was in bed with a girl recently she said I want tonight to be magical and it was after I [ __ ] her I disappeared I [Music] go into an argument with my ex and in the middle of the argument she went what kind of an idiot do you take me for I couldn't resist her when a fat one in my defense she was fat she guess sometimes you got crackling she was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards she wasn't that big we got together but she ballooned I mean I've seen girls palm white before but you took the biscuit on the plus side just a nicer way of saying I quite like a euphemism of course the classic euphemism is if someone's gay instead of saying gay you would say he's a friend of Dorothy's someone's really fat I like to say he's a friend of Greg's at a super awkward moment on stage recently so on stage doing a gig I said any questions and someone when are you ever gonna have children I said I don't wanna make you feel bad about asking but my girlfriend and I actually can't have children the way we do it so he's trying the other way cuz you can't get pregnant the mouth either are there any parents in we got new parents catch our parents has anyone got parents you have to think about that you're an idiot only point about parents is all parents have got a favorite if your parents told you they didn't have a favorite all it means is you weren't it unless you're an only child if you're an only child your parents went out of their way to tell you they didn't have a favorite that is bad with her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery she wasn't in and had to pick it up from the sorting office in a long-term relationship it's important to be a good listener I think she's asleep I'm up pop downstairs for a wank you're familiar with the phrase [ __ ] buddy if you heard the phrase [ __ ] buddy yes I've got friend that didn't know what that meant I used it in a conversation and he didn't know what he meant I had to explain what a [ __ ] buddy was I was like a friend you have regular sex with he said well how is that different from a normal relationship I said they're your friend and you have regular sex with them so the opposite of a normal relationship I found out the hard way there's a big difference between hanging out with a mate's girlfriend and hanging out of a mate's girlfriend it's lovely turn of phrase I could get a job on Sky Sports I go into an argument with my girlfriend she said you treat this house like a hotel I said I have never snorted cocaine off a hookers tits in this house tamo girlfriend the top shoes wearing was too revealing said Jimmy sometimes cries after sex [Music] we we gone to around you'll be familiar with this if you're in a long term relations a lot we're going to fight on the way back from a party so we went to this amazing party it's about 2:30 in the morning we're driving home so I'm driving I haven't had anything to drink stone-cold sober driving she's had quite a lot to drink I mean in terms of units of alcohol she's had an awful lot to drink but she's not drunk and I know she's not drunk I know she isn't wrong because she told me she wasn't drunk 400 [ __ ] time you know like sober people don't and with the worst thing about this argument I didn't even say anything someone else said something and she was talking about there and I just agreed with the fact that the other person said and it was a fact it wasn't a point for debate it was a fact so I was driving along right she's she's talking a lot I'm listening a little okay my bad but she's telling me about the evening in real time and I was there for most of it so I don't need to be hearing this a lot of stories involved me right so we're driving along she tells me the story and she got to a point she said this mutual friend of ours this girl that we both know she said that girl that girl said my dress for sure I mean yeah it is you'll taking her side when you go out to the party when he drive her home it was sure I mean it was really sure it was what I would call a greyhound call her Greyhound was just an inch away from there [Applause] these are really short skirt so like it is short yeah sure huh you take it outside when you go back to the party drive her home then if you fancy her so much I don't mind me you say no profile late suddenly [ __ ] two backers in the car [Music] the phone is just snortin next thing I know like within 20 seconds she's pulling on the card or we're doing 40 miles an hour middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning she's going on walk home I walk I'm gonna open the car door she's open she's not wearing a seat belt cuz she's pissed opening the car door safer I'm opening the car door I just stop the car this is dangerous right so as soon as I stop the car she [ __ ] off out immediately teetering on heels up the road no coat no money no keys no idea where she's [ __ ] going girl [ __ ] walk so I have to do the dutiful boy for anything of driving what four [ __ ] miles an hour come on get back in the car it's all my fault oh my god Dom [ __ ] all here come on get back in the car I'll buy you chips please just get back in the car anyway long story short I got arrested for curb brawling I don't know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument is tumbling into bed together afterwards and lying in cold grim silence until dawn [Music] are you asleep I can't sleep I'm too full of hate any fans of makeup sex scene anyone had good makeup sex cover shout yes makeup sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical because you got overexcited you go for the makeup sex too early in the argument still happening that is a little bit rapey let's hear it from the ladies affirming you give us a shower ladies you sounded very good spirits do you think you're easy to live with ladies the vast majority say yes well this is going to be educational and informative I'm going to tell you how easy you are to live with ladies and I'm gonna do it with a couple of questions okay mm-hmm have you ever met a gay man have you ever noticed our happy homosexual men are I'm joyful and carefree and full of life we're going dancing Bacardi breezers hi yeah that's what we were like before we met you interesting little fact for you 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners and they're called coffins my grandmother I loved her to death now I don't normally do political stuff on my stage show you know on the tour but I saw something that caught my eye recently was in Croydon anyone in from Croydon one person down there hope you're having a knife crime nice time my bad so was this thing it happened in Croydon I saw in the local paper down in Croydon and it was a BNP campaign you familiar with this carnival of [ __ ] the British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets in Croydon High Street and you know when people are handing out leaflets I mean handing out leaflets in Croydon High Street for the BMP is the Everest of stupid needless to say but he's certainly sending out these leaflets you know sometimes you don't look at the leaflet when you're you in the high street you just pick it up and kind of take it on you a couple of steps before you look at the thing just go picked up a leaflet Oh British National Party that's interesting back and properly connected with a punch now I'm not advocating violence no never solved anything but on this occasion I will let it go because he gave the BNP campaigner a black eye that is pre genius kids for that [ __ ] that's adding insult to injury a lot of planning is going on in London for the 2012 Olympics sadly most of it is being done by al-qaeda I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die become a Catholic priest and a bum now [Music] nights for living am i right my favorite suicide bomber over the last year oh you're better than me cuz younger list whatever um my favorites uber well I've got a couple I really like the Detroit bomber do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas so he flew into Detroit Airport he had an explosive device in his underpants the triggering device went off the explosives didn't detonate so there was smoke billowing around but everything didn't blow up straight away just smoke billowing so the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out they didn't run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess no they stamped the [ __ ] around in quite a camp flamenco style if this is anything to go but I mean they [ __ ] ruin this guy they didn't kill him are they ruined him now normally I would say well you know what [ __ ] him he was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas [ __ ] him very much but my heart goes out to this guy because he's caught cases coming up in America in the next couple of months and he's gonna have a very tough time in a court of law defending himself because the prosecution have got it so easy the prosecution is just gonna go you telling the truth yeah I'm turned the truth will you pants on fire my favorite suicide bomber though he was an assassin suicide bomber in the United Arab Emirates okay he was sent to kill one man he didn't he just killed himself technically a win for them but I'm very happy with that okay so he was sent to kill this guy in order to get close to the guy he was gonna try and kill he had to conceal the bomb he had the bomb concealed wait for it up his bum literally a suicide bomber I mean if people are gonna start putting bombs up their bums the shoot is really gonna hit the fan now I don't know how that bomb was detonated but I like to think in this day and age even someone as [ __ ] quitted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally [ __ ] would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation and that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of pull my finger I can pass this by going what did he have for lunch oh I've got some more pictures you want to see some more pictures see some more pictures I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports ladies and gentlemen Chinese gymnast lulee is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic Games luli which is 4 foot 3 inches tall wow-whee was the second smallest I start seing coarse ice dancing won't be around any fans of ice dancing in ice dancing of course won't be around forever because of global warming and AIDS snooker and dance snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 of remote controls just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool the rest on remand in other cities wayne rooney he's not as clever as he looks talk about technology Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking is sort of half man/half computer I bet when he dies it's a virus he's got medical insurance and Norton [Music] in America they're called astronauts in Russia they're called cosmonauts in in Britain there called balloonists the greatest ride at Disney is the girl that works in the toffee apple kiosk [Music] pornography I'll come to that later if you'll pardon the expression and the expression of course will be that of a turtle [ __ ] the thing with internet porn is it still has the power to surprise us I saw something on the internet the other day that really shocked me it was one man having sex with one woman there was no gang bang no DP no anal no dwarves no three-way no watersports no girl-on-girl no gagging no [ __ ] no granny Fanny TV no ta no shemales no milfs turnover low bail illegal it was just one man I think sex with one woman I thought well who comes up with this crazy [ __ ] talk about sex adult supervision to me adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras the average speed of ejaculation is 43 miles per hour which is why it's so important to keep it away from children [Music] 20 is plenty around children you've got to be very careful with the language that you use for example say Fiddlesticks instead of vibrators I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators you've made your decision [Applause] no more sin on the fence either hermaphrodites can go and [ __ ] themselves a transvestite is a man that dresses to look like a woman and the woman they dress to look like is Jane MacDonald someone told my girlfriend the best way to improve oral sex was to hum all I'm saying is the theme from Cori is not erotic anal sex for women is like Marmite it's brown and it smells funny condoms come in packs of three ideal for married couples because there's birthdays Christmas Valentine's I don't think you should have a tree a woman as a sex object but I do things you give me rinse after you've used him you don't agree you'd rather be left looking like a plasterers radio my girlfriend's got a cleanliness problem downstairs the kitchens a [ __ ] state I'm joking she's actually got a verlan yeast infection in her vagina let's talk about relationships the Mast relationship I had I ruined by blurting out I love you too early which gave away the fact I was hiding by the curtains people often ask me about most embarrassing moment it's probably when I first got introduced to my girlfriend's parents I remember my girlfriend saying there's the bad man there I don't like the term partner because it makes you sell out we're fighting crime I don't like the term housewife we'll stay at home mum I prefer to say lazy [ __ ] my girlfriend says she's good at doing two things at the same time if that's the case why is a threesome out of the question don't judge me I improvised it's not that bad it's got face I often walk around the house naked till the neighbors chased me inside some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues they had to use a surrogate mother and because of a medical thing that use a sperm donor so really warm saying is some people I don't know just had a baby one of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is that when you wake up in the morning your eyes are so sticky you can hardly open them my girlfriend has it along sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits right final one of these this is my favorite joke in the show I'm gonna try not to [ __ ] it up but I slightly [ __ ] it up last night because I giggled halfway through but I'm gonna dig deep for Birmingham come on okay I could do this when I broke up with my first wife I didn't want anything from her in the settlement except a pint of milk four egg yolks vanilla pod an ounce of castor sugar and two fluid ounces a single cream she mix the whole up in a bowl and she threw it in my face but on the plus side I did get custody I think civil partnerships again apparently one of the biggest fears is the unknown like I'd know apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman but what if you want to find a woman who's still alive did you read this you read about this American man that's suing his ex-wife to get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married that is taking the piss my father always used to say to me there's no such word as can't I said no I called you a [ __ ] people claimed to be into recycling but you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom I do a bit of a tease anyone else bake cookies and cakes and things I do a bit of baking my specialty is a brownie with nuts which I call a scout come on where's your sense of fun do you get annoyed by cold callers you know of an evening you you're at home relaxing after a hard day at work watching TV flicking through a magazine the phone rings is a strange voice you don't recognize talking about something you're not interested in Oh mister Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick do you get this you get the public private phone call problem so this is when you're at work surrounded by colleagues or in the pub surrounded by friends you get a phone call off your other half and at the end of the phone call they say something that you would normally say something back like you select your thing but you don't wanna say it cuz there's people around to be embarrassing so the end of the phone call goes all right by me no I do there's people around I want to say I want to choke you with my [ __ ] a charity worker came to my front door and they were collecting for a homeless shelter so game a cardboard box beggars can't be choosers am i right I did one of those nude calendars for charity yeah Childline were livid I did a gig file cyma sufferers it was brilliant two hours one joke I did a gig file cyma sufferers right final thought if only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS IV Jimmy Carr thank you very much indeed [Applause] [Applause] very nicely berming I couldn't ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings that's pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be there's a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce the American satirist was supposed to say said the audience is a genius and the idea is the audience you regulate comedy you decide what a comedian can and can't say on stage because if you don't laugh at a joke it is not socially acceptable if you do then just by definition it is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to the test tonight we could start gently work our way up and see at what stage Birmingham goes ah [ __ ] say you want to give it a go okay well the start gentle we'll work our way up okay so everyone's comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that's the end site was gentle Pope Benedict incident these call Pope Benedict because he comes with a hollandaise sauce hang on that's not a hollandaise sauce as head of the Catholic Church Pope Benedict is the boss of every Catholic priest in the world he's effectively king of the PTO's I wrote about a Catholic priest that exposed himself so they defrocked him they don't help themselves do that while they do that spar the problem this scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees you gotta finish that one in your own head somewhat ironically I personally I don't think the Pope should worry about the sex scandal all get sorted out soon enough when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior comes back from the made out well you all seem pretty happy with a little bit of Christian baiting yeah we take it up again my girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don't know why she knows no one's coming to help fine up another gear tree you mean keep them keen you'll have expression tree you mean keep them keen tree the mean you will keep them keen if that was really true if that really worked tree mean keep em keen wouldn't the Jews absolutely adore the Germans a round of applause on a joke about the worst thing that's ever happened where do we go from there so joke about the worst thing that's ever happened hang on this might offend some of you people say smug sanctimonious people in my opinion but people do say from time to time you hear them Princess Diana should have been wearing a seatbelt if she'd been wearing a seatbelt she'd be here with us today to those people I say this I say you try snorting cocaine off a [ __ ] in the back of a limo while wearing a seatbelt thar be Bucky damn I saw that little shaky head down I presume that was disapproval madam but to me that looked like you were going it can't be done a fraud a million [ __ ] where do we go from there okay so we've had one [ __ ] hour but everyone else seems fine you bear [ __ ] off a child can drown in just four inches of water we might as well run a bath that feels like you should have been more offensive than it was a child died in that joke I tend to do wordplay so you saw you get away with murder with wordplay literally in that last joke because people go it's just a joke it doesn't really matter actually when you talk about real stuff that's happened in your life that's a bit darker and sort of observational stuff which people think of as being more sort of family-friendly but when you talk about real stuff that's happened to you that's where people get more offended if it happens to be darker and then you know there's a weird thing where that's where comedy is useful when bad things happen in your life you need a bit of cheering up that's where comedy has a purpose in our lives let's talk about something that's happened to me recently and I'm fine talking about it so I don't think it should be a problem for you to hear about it but it is a little bit more because it is a real thing it's some people get a bit edgier a bit more offended by the stuff that's real my girlfriend recently had a miscarriage and it was doubly bad because I had to pay for it [Music] that feels like we're getting somewhere and I realized an abortion can be a very upsetting thing for a woman at the same time who doesn't get a little confidence boost when they lose a bit of weight well let's cut to the chase on this show and let's talk about what you can and what you cannot say on stage for a good friend of mine a guy that I've worked with the last 10 years we're pretty close we've written jokes together and we know each other he knows I say this on stage he's fine with it but Frankie boy you all know Frankie yes Frankie gone to a lot of trouble last year for doing a joke on stage that contain the word Down syndrome and I think it's sad I think it does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity what a [ __ ] why they called sunshine variety coaches when all the kids on board look the same well if they're jokes getting a round of applause I'm out happy to back away from there so weird thing though because they're supposed to think that we've all gotten common in this room is we all share a sense of humor we're all laughing at the same kind of things it's a weird thing where I laughed a very loud it's just before I have a sense of humor failure I find that if the closer to the edge the funniest jokes for me at the jokes that I laugh at and as I'm laughing I go on a terrible human being you wanna hear the joke that got me I heard a joke it's an Australian joke just a pub joke from Australia that gives you an idea of how [ __ ] brutal is the orgies came up with it are you sure you want to hear this well I'll just I'll cleanse my palate before I tell you this like like a sorbet it's like a Solero how do you make a gay [ __ ] a woman [ __ ] in her [ __ ] I know I know I know don't think I don't know cuz I know I know I know I know there's no use giving me a look as if I didn't pay 25 pounds solicitors Phil you didn't you know you did I realize my jokes can often be brutal and cruel and when you think about the content of what I'm talking about in these jokes it is unacceptable frankly then the only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh there's no message here no one's learnt anything this evening I think hope not because I mean the only purpose for these jokes is to make you laugh for two hours it's to release endorphins that's all I'm doing up here they're just jokes I'm just messing around and some people some people just like being offended so we think I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like [ __ ] Thunder that was disgusting rude juvenile filth no better than last year [Music] you know what the [ __ ] I meant to do with that he crazy fool I'm sorry about that story about that joke you realized that joke about the Australian at the Australian pop joke you realize that's the only joke you will now be able to remember the most offensive joke ease is the only one you'll be able to recall the next time you're a family wedding or a funeral - [ __ ] hell poor John I just I know you here to collect the body up I've lost my husband I feel so terribly low maybe maybe a joke would cheer me up how do you make a gay [ __ ] again we can't well I haven't been up here on my own this evening first and foremost I interviewed him earlier he's a funeral director if you die wouldn't want to be looked after by him and when I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John everyone giving around thanks thank you so much for Connor especially this evening because it's been sort of you know the DVD record which is always a bit of a nerve-wracking gig and I [ __ ] love playing Birmingham and I love coming here and I couldn't if you didn't buy tickets to come out to the show so thanks so much I really do appreciate it cuz I love my job people with Tourette's what makes him tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 7,884,361

Rating: 4.7101235 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, frankie boyle, jimmy carr full show, jimmy carr being funny full, jimmy carr being funny, jimmy carr full stand up, jimmy carr comedy special, jimmy carr special, jimmy carr netflix, netflix comedy special, netflix comedy, offensive jokes, dark comedy, offensive comedians, brutal jokes, jimmy carr laughter therapy, jimmy carr tour, comedy

Id: 6wplEAkNXow

Length: 100min 32sec (6032 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 16 2019

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‘...isn’t something I’d know about’