Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

five four three two one the first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked and he inhaled it he was a chinese man he was a very great man and whenever he lit the the the plant it wasn't to get high but he would start to get high and every time he got high a blue bird would come to him and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods and he listened to those to the bird and that's exactly what he did and he became a great emperor in china and at that point in the story pablo escobar looks at his doctor and he goes have you ever been to disneyland and the doctor goes no pablo i haven't he gross very clean very organized whoa that's it but it's the truth the first guy that ever got high was the chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant it gave him a soothing but after days of doing it it packed up in his body and he started hallucinating he saw a bluebird a blue bird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within the region what a crazy bird he got high and a bird started talking to him what are you gonna do you know i don't know if this is true but this is one of the things that uh the pot aficionados always used to say is that you know when a priest walks down the aisle and they have that that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it that used to be weed that's what they used to do in what dimension i don't know at one point i believe it was weak then it became that that batman shot at the green hornet it was like pedophile smoke you you wake up your shirts bomb backwards and your pants are missing [Laughter] well what did what is it now what kind of incense is it now it's like this blue smoke i i go in there to church every once in a while you have to go for the full effect one like the five in the afternoon on saturday and the early morning and sunday they don't break out the incense they don't start breaking out the maluki uh and the guy comes out and one guy comes out their own water jesus and then the other guy it's so weird how somebody made a great point on twitter the other day they said you me mitch hedberg there's five of us that delivered newspapers there's five comedians the delivered newspapers you hedberg did it yeah you delivered them in a car to other places i was an that took a route but not the route in my neighborhood to routing the neighborhood over so i had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers i would deliver them right to the doors and oh you did too yeah yeah and then you collected yeah i collected from only a handful of people most people were on like a monthly subscription plan they they were switching over but the people that you'd have to collect from you had like this envelope like a tan envelope and you had to like mark off like you know when they owed things i barely remember it because it was only a couple of clients and after a while i kind of got away from doing them i said i don't want to do these people that have because it's too hard to collect it's annoying like i don't want to i don't want to have to go that was my specialty i didn't like it i must have been that was when i first got to the catholic school and my mom gave me an option that i had to go up there and work in the afternoons and i'm like i got to figure something out i just don't want to go up there anymore and my friend said i'm giving up my newspaper up but he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood he gave up the one in the next city over the next town over in that city i could still walk everything so i'd have to leave school and run over there because i'm not the dude would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the street corners so i'd have to get them put the circulars in put them in the thing and then throw them on people's balcony and then on fridays and saturdays i have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect how you doing mr rogan i'm here to pick up 75 cents and they give you like 1.50 that was your tip right and you got like 22 cents a week for delivering the paper did you collect from everybody i collected from everybody i was there sufficient what years were these this has to be 73 74 75 yeah so i guess when i started doing it is when i started driving which had been like 83 i probably started 83 i probably started when i was 17. no that was 85 85 probably then that's when i probably started doing it yeah you're too old to be collected i wouldn't pay you either well it wasn't even that it was just annoying like what you wanted to do was go to the depot pick up the papers chuck them into the people's driveways and that's it and then there's a few people that wanted it inside the door so you'd have to get out of your car open up their screen door put it in there and then leave and the idea was that those people everybody would say those people would tip you better those two they'll tell you about it like okay and so we would only have like a few of those and i think after the first couple of years they stopped doing those kind of collections or i definitely stopped doing them but it was an awesome job when you're like a young comic or you know even before i was a comic when i was fighting it was just uh i didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do i could get in my car i could listen to whatever i wanted to i listened to charles lockwidera he had the the morning the big mattress on uh i think it was bcn i'm pretty sure wbcn in boston this is awesome radio show i'd listen to that chuck newspapers out windows i do that for like three hours every day you know it was the best job ever because then i would make enough money or i could pay my bills but i still had all the time in the world you stand up all the time in the world train all the time in the world do anything but it definitely me up because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day like that can't be good for you you know if you you listen to people that know things about sleep like getting up at 4 30 in the morning or five in the morning every day and not being responsible that was the beginning to me that was the beginning of the new joe rogan emerald podcast that was the first podcast i listened to that i agreed with a lot but i also had a couple mitigating factors because i believe that everybody's body's a lot different i know i could rock and roll i could throw down on seven straight but it's got to be seven straight no no no get up the p two times because once you're 50 it could be up and down see once you turn 50 48 everything changes papa so if you see you're there at night i'm drinking completely with water that has to come out throughout the night and you will be up all night on the hour every hour there's no rem sleep yeah there's no rem sleep so you have to come once you get old you have to come uh control your thyroid dog i've been a specialist on sleep since day one that was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on i bought the book and everything and he made some great points in there i didn't i wasn't raised on an app joe roger my mom didn't raise me under that once we came from cuba my dad died there was no nap i went where she went right so my day consisted of eight to three in the morning she had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot and if i got tired at one go back there and take a nap but i gotta stay here till three mommy got to work wow so my sleep was always horrific then when i was like five or six in school then i went to normal sleep i went to catholic grammar school normal sleep everything was normal but my mom had a bad thing that she did my mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights it was she did it from the heart because i have a friend who does it wake me up at three in the morning joe rogan joe rogan get up i brought you black ink and pasta which one julie from umbertos and i brought you a newspaper are you kidding me can you imagine if i woke you up every night or two when you're 26 years old joe at 3 30 in the morning and you know i'm doing it from my heart and seven out of 10 times you're going to get up and eat the scruggily or the or the marinara sandwich i brought you from leo's because they worked in the city so i remember if you bartend in new york city on the way home what are you gonna do you're gonna stop no you stop and get two slices of the best pizza there is in manhattan so my mom would wake me up every night at 3 30 in the morning with a cuban sandwich that killed me over the years that would make me get up every night at 3. there's still nights that i'll be sleeping i'll get a good night's sleep but i'll look at the clock and it's 3 a.m on the dot because it's in my but like last night i slept good i up my sleep was bad after i read the book for a while that's how deep it got into my head so when i went back to weight watchers i realized i couldn't eat any more edibles because they wouldn't they would make me hungry at night i would go off the charts with points so i stopped eating edibles and joe rogan my sleep pattern changed bad like my body did not know how to go to fall asleep by itself i went through a month of two hours of sleep jesus doing a bunch of and then three more hours in the app did you try anything did you try like melatonin or anything like that i did cocaine for 30 years melatonin that i could eat 20 turkeys they could all suck my dick i drink them all together the tea the vine leave me alone please leave me the alone all right go yourself i got something that's gabba gabba the tea and the tryptopian put together and they still don't find i buy it on amazon not bad so what i learned to do was rotate it so now i'm back on the animals i found about an expired bag of cheaper shoes like from the dave chapel tour when i went out with dave jesus i found the bag with about 24 oh my god i slice them in half you take one of those you wake up at six in the morning to pee your pee's brown they're expired you understand me [Laughter] what happens if you eat expired edibles same thing when you're eating expired vicodin listen to this listen to this listen to this this ain't around though this works the jaw this is you're going to fight joe schilling eat two of these and call me back on monday it works nobody ain't nobody knocking you out after eat one of these things those things put you in another dimension oh my god i've been in a another dimension since last week and i don't give a i have not left the house in a week do you understand me i ate two of them on saturday i know you were up in idaho how beautiful was idaho beautiful how were the audiences they were amazing tremendous tremendous it's like the nicest people it's like a bunch of really smart people that said you know what california portland new york chicago they're gonna get mad we're blowing up boys they want to keep it low-key oh yeah no no they want to keep the low-key as all those areas you could ski up there they got everything up there nobody knows yeah they got a couple people that hate black people but they keep him on the side of the state mark furman's up there o.j sister-in-law you know what i'm saying it's all right it's all right no no no it's beautiful and then you were in tucson my friend know i kidnapped showed up to your show he said he had a great time i go why don't you say hello to rogan you could have done the podcast right there he said he was embarrassed damn but saturday night i ate the edible joe rogan i ate two of these expired ones i ate one then i said let me take a chance saturday night i ate another one and i noticed your movie was coming out and it is what a phenomenal movie midnight express when they catch the kid coming back from turkey with hash on his body john rogan that is one of the most hardest movies you'll ever watch in your goddamn the first 30 minutes of that like i thought i was gonna die like when they let him go through and they played him and as soon as he hit the plane they turned him around ripped his shirt and they dropped to their hands and knees and they gave him the seven years and they started raping them jesus but i watched up to the part where uh he became friends with this dude they had a cat and the dude name was likey likey lecky was the guy's name and lucky killed the cat and they let this american know you know that point where even michael douglas and what was that movie he's on a 405 and he just snaps fighting back michael douglas and then they try to rob him the three mexicans tried to rob him from a suitcase what was this what was that movie called falling down falling down he had like his day like that was it that was the last day to live this dude finds out they killed that poor american's cat and he throws a beat on this left he did it joe rogan is one of the most disturbing beatings there's two disturbing beatings in film history that's number two because he closes it out because the guy was a rat so after he throws a beating on look yeah yeah yeah right there he's spitting out the guy's tongue in the air and they showed it i gotta give a shout out to turner classic movies you been throwing heat the last six nights they had on something else last night they had the gambler on the other night that followed this this is the 40th anniversary joe rogan he throws a beating on him opens his mouth i'm thinking the guy's being a nice guy he's gonna give him out the mouth and save the guy's life no you see him going unless he just pulls up like this joe they slow it up only i'll call a real director they had on the waterfront last night jesus yeah they ain't around and they curse once i was watching like what is the commercials and they said one time i might as well play this hand out they're going to show the tongue joe rogan he takes it out you could see the rage from the eight years in that turkish jail getting in the ass eating that hummus drinking that watered-down teeth from lexi and he just spits his tongue in the air look at his beating the best beating of all time there's only one better beating our boy the mexican when he beat up the pilot there this is lepke jesus dude i forgot about this movie this is a classic this is a classic 70s movie this is crazy dude look at him he's just this is eight years of getting beat up every day i'm not i'm gonna kill you you dude this is an intense scene what year is this movie 78 i was a kid i still remember going to see this in the movies and leaving that like dog i ain't ever going to turkey jesus christ the scene for the people that are just listening um he's he's tearing apart this bathroom to get this guy i don't remember who the guy is he's the guy that sells watered down hash and he rats you out and he's just a creepy dude and then to finally push him over the tap he hangs his cat he wakes up to his cat being hung and right here people this is the strength of the 70s balls to the wall oh smashes them yeah no this is real d over here right here look at that look at him look at him oh are you nuts good morning it's the fourth of july you're with an american even in turkey we lose our minds that guy must have been half armenian or something when he bit his tongue out of here there you go dude this was this guy ended up dying of age in real life this is a strong strong next time you have flowers the real life guy enjoys this guy the actor who was he what was this i forget what his name brett brett brad davis jesus then the second best beating is our man anthony quinn at the end when he when he was 80 he beat the out of the good looking dude for his girlfriend mario stowe madeleine stowe in a movie called revenge that is oh yeah i remember revenge kevin costner kevin costner and then he slices her face and he puts her in a whorehouse right to get in the ass every the hour this is it it's the fourth of july dawg get your together you know what i'm saying if alexis jones is correct we're going to have a civil war today so what the you talked to alex you got to calm them down alex you got to calm down talking about a civil war he had me doing an extra achievement show the other night i was polishing the uh the musket alex thinks i'm defending the new world order because i didn't think that george soros was a nazi oh it's it's all so painful what's up joe nothing what's happening brother everything's great man me too i feel good alex jones i love you buddy for real but you say some silly that's where this all comes from doesn't mean i don't love you you're a great guy but there's some that's just silly it's wasted time you know that's one of those things that's just a waste of time does that make sense i'm with you i think there's real conspiracies you know but i think there's some that you know people just get caught up and looking for conspiracies and everything and after a while it's exhausting let's get the bull off the table i love the guy i love the podcast with ari last week yesterday tina turned his son alex jones going to hear this so i'm just i got finished okay i'm so sorry no it's okay it's just i love the guy i really do i just don't support a lot of the that he said like the sandy hook stuff i don't know if he's since disavowed that i don't know if he changed his opinion on it i don't know what it is but at a certain point in time you're like jesus man are you are you sure like you got to be really sure before you say something crazy like that right don't you i mean don't you think look i think he's a great guy and as a person i'm not attacking him i just uh when he goes crazy he gets mad at me i love i want to hug him i love when he told me this story about trucks pulling up in front of your house and they could see through your walls they probably can do that they do that in different neighborhoods you know they probably can do something like that but then after five of those and this is my experience with him he'll tell you something that you got to sit there and go what the am i doing sitting here but that's cool that's alex and we accept him for what the he is i just thought there was a civil war starting today i read on that's what he was saying the democrats are going at it today so somebody's shooting somebody so who the knows so just to calm alex down nobody's telling me what to say no one's telling me what to do i'm not involved in a new world order who's the new world just because enlighten me about the new world i'm not sure i'm not involved though i just want alex to know i'm not involved who are those people you eating dinner with the other night will you get a new world daughter who's the dinner people the people you say you were eating with smartphones oh they're just these are all podcasters and former professors and all these different people that are doing uh different things together you scared me the other day though you had any right he was thinking he went back with the cia what what yeah you know you got back on the ropes show what are you talking about you know he's not going to say i ain't who knows what nothing okay what the are you saying he's a cheap of you it's the fourth of july no fireworks like cbs radford i think i think conspiracies are fun and that's part of the problem with conspiracies they're fun they're fun to chase down they really are they're interesting i'll tell you what's fun to chase down to read about one and to absorb it by yourself once i get into a room with three men and we're on a conspiracy for 48 minutes that's when i get aggravated well that's what i don't ever want to talk about that's what the that kills me i don't have the time to discuss with a little moon landing or not we all have an idea what we think happened guess what i really don't want to talk about it not on the fourth of july yeah no the the problem with them is and this is a tendency is that when people get really into conspiracy theories they're into everything being a conspiracy that's not like they're into conspiracy theories and also into the history of cuba then give you a detailed history of some really crazy that went down like how many people that are really into conspiracy theories could give you a rundown on how castro took over cuba which is like a real thing that happened in you know our parents lifetimes right think about that how many people that are into like you know whether or not there's bases on the moon know about you know all these different things that have happened through human history the mongols the roman empire the greek empire there was crazy that definitely really happened all the stuff that happened during the vietnam war all the stuff that happened during the nixon administration all that stuff's real it's fascinating fascinating to look into but then you get to dumb ones like oh god are we really discussing whether or not the earth is flat is this a real conversation like people really doing that satellites aren't real go on social media you'll find a bunch of people to that'll agree with you too you've got to be so careful about not listening to scientists i saw on saturday on sunday night sunday night on the 50 years of 60 minutes they were showing how they interviewed different people and how the one guy went to assam hussein saddam hussein and he said to him and ask him to tell him that this guy said he's crazy and the interpreter looked at him and says you did you think sorry i ain't asking that and there was but there was one particular interview and he was just talking about the interview he was one of the best interviews he ever did was when he pushed the guy the guy that was standing behind kennedy in the car the the the agent that should have taken the bullet for kennedy they interviewed that guy that's a great you gotta hunt that one down that he was one step behind i mean he breaks down into tears he's a real american like this is a guy that's a real american took that job and then like it wasn't your fault and he's like you don't understand i was a second behind if i would have been there just one second early i would have caught it in my back and the president would have been a lot i mean it's crazy jesus can you imagine being dedicated to protect a guy with your own life and to really drink the serum and to believe it like like a soldier those are very special human beings that can do that it's not a lot of human beings that have that kind of resolve will throw their life in front of a bullet to protect someone else's that's intense that is intense and you have to hear where the bullet is coming from what your response time has to be to be this is when you're a real high level bodyguard this is you are the highest of the highest your hearing is impeccable this means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside you have to learn by yourself how to shut off nature and noises and listen to footsteps weapons clicking holsters opening think of how interesting just that alone is that's why sometimes when you see them they're holding one ear because they're zeroing in on anything particular a car's tires screeching differently think of that job because that's what their job is to react to that so if this if joe rogan has eight guys when they train and i don't even know i i've never trained them quantico but i just know that i guarantee the first two guys the first four guys are lead guys they have a mission one guy gets to the door if there's a shooting the other guy duck two guys duck for the president there's gotta be plans like it's like formations in football what if the linebacker goes this way you run around me this doesn't take a genius to tell you there has to be formations to protect the president or whoever it is you're protecting in that level when i'm protecting kevin hart how many people are going to try to assassinate kevin hart when i'm protecting a president how many people are going to really try to shoot that president with weapons i mean let's go to the ronald reagan attempt let's go to these attempts how fast this is you have to be so high elite vietnam another war and then you had to do a tour of something else where you were just like a spook that you tiptoed people with toothpicks and like this this is my this is what i think you're training you i don't think you're just born to be rambo i think they have to take you to government and they start with a hundred rambos they just keep training training training you lose some along the way and after every hundred you get eight savages that never had chance to get married the government never gave him a chance to get married they're that good well all these guys that i know that have been navy seals all of them are any special forces guys just you those are different humans you know they're just different people now what's jaco navy seal okay yeah and um there's just a level that you have to be you have to have more control over your mind more control over your will more control over your discipline you're you're in the most elite branch of the military i mean this is the elite of the elite i mean they make it it's insanely difficult to get in so you just get the cream of the crops the people who are they just their mental fortitude is just unlike an average person if you meet a bunch of people like that man you realize like wow people come in all kinds of different levels there's people that just only surround themselves with other excellence and those dudes like those jocko type dudes or tim kennedy type dudes those that's a like a different kind of human like they don't make a lot of those if you just want to have only those boy you gotta there's a lot that has to happen before you can become a person like that you have to you have to travel through many valleys of the mind and the body to get to be a person like that a person of uh insane resolve in a time of war it's a very very intense human being it's it's not even a time of war look at these 12 filipino kids in the back cave stuff down there look who went to get them the seals the seals the seal team went down that again is that what happened well there's different various agencies but there's also a seal team there makes sense you know the seal team that that's as elite as elite so do you i don't even know that's how you probably become a uh bodyguard to the president you'd have to start like as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on just to adjust a human life and life without hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and yeah and then move up in that system until you get to that level of the secret service there's no way you're going to be a seek they put you through a secret service training school and you're there in 60 days let me tell you something i go and my daughter goes to science camp you know whatever the until pre-k starts i'm one of the kids she goes with his dad's an fbi agent so you know what my job is every day to sneak up on him every day i sneak up on him and put a gun to his side and i know what's going on and i pat him in the back and he giggles and i tell my wife every day he's the worst fbi agent i've ever seen in my life because i'm too late and i'm tiptoeing up to him you don't even hear me in bushes or nothing like that that's how good i am do you know why dog because they hire him right i'm an academy today joe rogan right out of college that's why we have so many shootings that's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers they don't hire neighborhood kids anymore they hire college graduates that have never had what we had see when you were growing up if all else failed you've never been arrested in your life you really could have been a cop you're a nice guy but you really could have been joe the cop you could have been joe the cop and quincy mass that drives around and like that sure anybody could be anybody could be a cop but joe the cop would have been different if joe the cop would have came in here and seen me and jamie argue joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and jamie joe the cop would say i want to meet you tomorrow at three and he would give us both boxing gloves and we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail joe the cop wouldn't throw us against the wall and if we turned around he'd shoot one of us in the leg he was part of the community joe the cop and joe on the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child do you understand me so and i didn't know this i've been thinking about a lot about this and i ran into somebody and i asked him the next cop why are we having the situations we're having in this country the one last week in east pittsburgh is just mind-blowing that just now there's a lot of different angles for that they had just finished doing a shootout but the kid took off this cop watched him said okay got down drop down military style and blast them three times shoot me in the leg shoot me in the leg for running away that's what joe the cop would do yeah but even shooting someone in the leg running away but it's got to be something that they did that's really up well listen i believe this should be shooting on my left leg i'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life i hear you i'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call but just show you so you know it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg people die from getting shot and elected i shot you in the ankle no okay but i'm just touching the wrists i just i don't want to give anybody the impression they can just go around shooting people how many movies did we grow up but the guy got shot in the shoulder he just went you know what i'm saying you live getting shot favorite is they get pistol whipped and then when they wake up it's like nothing happened they just start duking it out they got pistol whipped everybody was pissed a whipping people remember that they would just club them in their head with the pistol that was so crazy that was like a thing and then these people would wake up why what happened i didn't get pistol whip with the butt i got pistol whipped with the the gun to the head nothing bled thank god but it hurt i don't know what the type of gun it was like an automatic like uh like a nine millimeter type thing it wasn't like a revolver i never got hit with the butt more what a weird feature of the human body if that you hit it in the right spots it goes out like we have like a plug we have like a loose like some people's plugs a little looser than others some people's plugs like mark hunt it takes forever to knock it loose some people could just take it and some people can it's weird it's a weird characteristic you hit people and they go unconscious it's very strange it's a very strange feature that we exploit you know but in movies they always make it like it's no big deal it's a big deal it's a big deal you should avoid having it done to you it's a big deal to get knocked unconscious you know it's so weird when we first started hanging out one afternoon you took me to see that boxing coach and at the time he had four academy award guys he was training was that terry claibon travis claymore terry's amazing he's a great guy we walked in there we went upstairs and i think uh at the time when we walked up nicholas cage was up there at the time with his little head piece on and looking like johnny goombah and stuff and then terry came over and gave you a hug and we went downstairs and tyree grabbed steve simone later on because steve worked there at the time this is 97 98 as a gym oh yeah and he goes boy that guy's in the wrong profession as a comic he should have been a boxer hits like a meal you know and i never forgot that him saying that and all the stuff you talk about brain damage and whatever it took a lot for you to at that age to realize that this was for real this was this was dangerous there was no money in it there was no temptation this head that this head is not this is real it was real but there was also i didn't have any temptation what happened before this like what happened to the guys that i saw playing black football and black and white with leather helmets well you know leather helmets are safer believe it or not because you don't feel as confident when they had those leather helmets they didn't crash into each other the same way there's not there's a opinion i don't know if i agree with it because i don't know much about the sport but there's an opinion that no pads no helmets football would be safer because you wouldn't be able to do the same things that they're doing now you can't just run into people head to head you'll just just destroy you and you can only do it a few times your body would just start breaking but if you you're putting helmets on and pads it accentuates your ability to run into someone with all your force that's unnatural and it creates an unnatural jarring of the body in the brain that the rugby guys don't get the rugby guys don't have all those pads so when they're clashing into each other they're learning how to roll with things they're not just colliding into each other they're not there's a different game when you've got padding so if you take away the padding people have to be more careful in how they're engaged they can't just charge in and smash into each other they won't last i don't know i don't know interesting to find out i remember being a kid dog i don't i'm from jersey it's a real good question jersey right yeah we know football i didn't even know soccer back then when i lived in jersey in osaka's a couple spanish people played the dark side of the of the court they played soccer on sundays they wouldn't even let nobody watch a couple spanish guys but besides that soccer was not big in my area but uh when i moved to aspen i would go to aspen on saturday just to walk around get a beer get a sandwich and i'd see rugby i had never saw that i didn't know what the it was right and i was like in good shape and after about three times and i went one of the guys said to me why don't you show up on a saturday and i looked at them like what are you crazy like i don't even know what the you guys are doing they have a big rug rug fest in aspen every year pretty much every year that's why i first saw rugby was in colorado i mean i don't think i've ever seen it live i've only seen it on tv yeah no i've seen it live and it's yeah that's when you see that you know i saw three i saw two things that blew me away live in colorado i saw rugby and i saw when they did like a tour de france star type race but they did it snowmass village and i knew exactly what it was the road up and how it would have to be a circle to go and you didn't have to go back down to route 82 right you would just do circles around snowmass and i still remember being on a hill listening to them going up the hill and it just blew my mind the way the tire was hitting the speeds like the how fast they were going uphill and then 20 years later you realize they're doing ppos and hanging out with sheryl crow's old husband shooting all that can you imagine when they were shooting in the 80s when i saw them jesus was stronger back then i can only imagine what's the drug that they shoot that their legs won't stop moving at night so they gotta get on the bicycle oh epo it's not the delay apparently i'm probably saying it wrong but uh they have this feeling like they have to exercise one of our buddies was a uh a biker and you know his professional tour guide just like you know not like a super famous super successful one but he was a you know professional bike rider what would you call one of those cyclist a professional cyclist and he would tell us about it how guys you'd hear them he knew that they were on epo and then you would hear them uh when they were on a tour bus they'd get up in the middle of the night and go ride their bike like they felt like they had to exercise so i guess if you're on a lot of it i don't know i've never done it it seems like it would be awesome though if you could take some drug that like super juiced up your endurance that sounds awesome but apparently it's just not very safe and they were saying that um a lot of uh executives take it now like there's there's people that are executives that uh are just entering endurance races and they're taking epo and and entering into these endurance races that like regular people with regular jobs just decided to take it there was some article about that see if you could find it it was like ceos uh entering into in endurance races taking epo but it's a few fighters have been caught with it and it uh apparently just really juices endurance value like you go 16th round instead of yeah type yeah i had a friend that used to shoot and eat steroids and never do a push-up jesus christ he was whacked that's crazy like go dog when are you gonna go to the gym next week that's insane i'll never forget i'm seeing him eat like half a bottle of winnie v the pink footballs like the pink ones in the 80s he would just put him in his hand like tic tacs with a beer oh my gosh gosh tomorrow i did some push-ups today just my biceps that's all i need a few biceps italians crazy group of humans that came over i always want you to do the impersonation from you when italian people in jersey found out that marlon brando is gay [Laughter] i can't believe in 20 years he was the godfather and no no no he couldn't blow a regular dude no god forbid he blows a black dude to really stab me right here in the heart i couldn't even take it no more i had to throw the dvd collection away and i would love to hear one of those guys what they said when they found out that that week didn't they say that he everybody men and women oh yeah he banged everybody he everybody yeah and then it came out he was banging the guy with the big dick and cube that's right superman that's right that's right so poor italian people if they were godfather fans they were lighting those dvds on fire marlon brando poor poor homophobes i like them more now i like marlin brandon i love mother brother oh yeah i don't give a i don't listen to me richard pryor thinking about richard pryor getting so coked up that he let marlon brando him was one of the things i was like unless he like that's prejudice of me i should just assume he enjoyed it and assumed he enjoyed having sex with marlon why should i give a listen listen to me just remember one thing because you're gonna die when i tell you this uh oh marlon brandon talked the studio into giving them like a hundred grand to read superman like you know when people call you up joe hi joe this is cynthia from your agents right we're sending you a script over for you to approve to read give me a hundred grand give me a hundred grand and i'll reset it he went to the island he went deep he believed his ego you gotta remember that was an all-time record for a long time what he got for superman he banged him out he took him to the cleanest time he him up to the ass bad like big money he find out what they pay them in 1970 whatever for superman remember he them big time um i think it's mutiny on the bounty on one of those movies they kept saying that oh we have a beautiful spot for you right here in marina del rio if we do this we gotta do this on this island i found he had gone down and fell in love he's like there's a bunch of running in the room there's a bunch of women running around with leaves on you know what damage i could do he made the studio shoot down there and then they never went down there who wants to go to whatever island they shot that at so that's where he lived right so he went down there he got down and he's like jamie what's your job pa no more you're the director rogan you're this and everybody was shooting and they were shooting his feet they were shooting like him running and like the shore and meanwhile he's just banging hawaiian women eight at a time just having orgies banging kids all those kids that shot themselves all those kids he had remember oh my god all those poor kids that god rest their souls and all those problems he had he was down there like just matadorin whoever paramount whoever the network was showed up down there and said let's see the dailies and said what the is this you're done they brought somebody else in marlon ended up saying it i'll buy the island he bought the island didn't he like this is just crazy i heard over the years and they just lived on the island and then if they wanted they had to call the island and they had like levels oh you want me to read the script that's going to cost you 80. oh you want me to come to the studio that's 300 000. like he had levels of and they would give it to him they would and then they didn't want them for the godfather they were like nah there's no way we want that guy wow and then finally he put the tape in his mouth and all that and they approved them and he did up bro that movie is like a porn the one he did that last tango in paris is it that's like a light porn and then the chick came out years later said that stone cold raped me yeah he was the king of me too he invented me to that dog wow yeah she came out years later and said something about he she didn't know what marlon brando went in there and choked her out like mcqueen and uh in the getaway she thought she was just getting pushed yeah the mcqueen and who was it with valley mcgregor mcgraw that was hard to watch dude because you could tell that was real there's no way that wasn't real like he was really hitting her there yeah no no no he was a metal actor that is harsh he's crazy he was crazy that scene was so real because of it i mean it's awful to watch but but it's real right i mean it's an awful scene it's real man that imagine being her and all sudden the dude just starts smacking you in the head for real you don't know what to do and you don't want to bail out of the scene you're getting up though he's you up and she didn't stop she just kept saying the lines and working with it dude jesus christ what do you say to somebody after that like hey man i'm sorry but that's what the scene called for you can't see i don't know ah pete it sounds up to say but i think even just that recent a time people did not understand that if you're smacking people in the head like that you're giving them brain damage like you smack someone in the head like that like you could seriously them up like something could be wrong with them for a long time even if they don't go unconscious your mother was smacking that no no my mom was gonna hit her really no she wasn't ahead who's mikey in that very few people an uncle no very few people maybe my grandmother cracked me once but it was you know just like getting together not like trying to hurt me you know just a little smack i didn't get beat as a kid but uh i saw a lot of violence i saw the seeing violence when you're a kid there's something about like seeing uh someone you're close to who's an adult being beating up like a 10 or 11 year old you ever see that before when you see when you see something like that you ever see a grown adult beating the out of a 10 or 11 year old when you're a little kid yes that to me uh was that was like a defining moment when i was a little kid as a parent or i only saw parents beat their children yeah i saw someone beat somebody else's kid it was up to watch man when i lived on 205 west 88th street we we came when i came from cuba we lived in jersey for him my dad died we moved to 89th street then something happened at the building and we ended up moving 88th street and i had a kid i had a beef with every day and one day i finally got my together in karate like one day my sidekick started working and that right cross started working i learned how to use my up block and i finally had this kid his name was rudy the haitian he was the only haitian kid in the neighbor we lived on 88th street and i him up this day and his father came down and held my arms and he made rudy punch me and i'll never forget that my lip was bleeding and he took me upstairs and he knocked on my mother's door and my mother opened up the door and half a hangover and she goes what's the problem she goes chill with coco you know and he goes next time your son hits my son i'm gonna hit him then i'm gonna come ahead and hit you wow and my mom turned around and got a butcher knife and chased rudy's father up the stairs the cops came and the lady next door said she didn't see a knife but at that point we were done in the building jesus that was one of the worst there when i moved to north bergen i saw parents that you don't like you ever hear a comedian go you hang out with white kids you go to their house how they talk to their parents i could never talk about you know right right that's the first thing i noticed when i went to jersey there was there were certain kids that would take their dish and go i i don't want tuna fish sandwich if i ever did that in my house joe rogan are you kidding me my mom would take the dish throw it against the wall and say now you're not eating go to bed like that type of but i also saw a parrot in the hallway one day that was standing the way you are with his arms crossed talking to the teacher the way i'm talking to you and a kid standing right here with glasses on and i'm walking towards them like you know i went to the bathroom i had like a hall pass and i'm talking talking talking and in the middle of it the father just going bam and hitting him with a backhand kick goes down ugh glass is broken blood's coming out of the nose oh you're telling them to get the up before i kill you you dumb oh you said that to him you dumb i have seen that oh that kid was the devil though yeah i knew that kid well the reason why i knew that kid kid was the devil probably because his dad beat him then there was another kid when i went to catholic school guido father ginzo the whole thing bro he would come there the nicest guy in the world but the son was crazy and every time he get there the nun would tell him about what he did and dog he would punch him the way um was throwing punches and got off that stipe i i swear his mother's grip christ as he was crawling into the car like 400 pounds 12. jesus 10 10 10. i got thrown out of that 11 so now are you looking at me saying joey that they deserve it or whatever everybody every parent had a different uh you know i watched a couple weeks ago i was stoned to the gills and i was laughing about how people put people down and and i was laughing about when julia's serving first when the aba shut down when the aba first shut down if they were i don't know joe but if there was eight categories julius irving's led seven of them right and the aba shut down and the sixers picked up servant they gave him six million dollars which can you imagine that what would they give that guy yeah what they give lebron mr lebron's getting about 30 or 40 but yeah yeah he got six million dollars for over two years or something with julius and he was the biggest player in the world then now this guy's getting 154 for three or so jesus so dr j switz his number from 32 to 6 and now the nba all-star game came so all the critics were like he came from the aba he's gonna get his ass kicked from the nba all-star game what go look at those statistics he went off he went off because of a white dude named pistol pete maravich that is thought he went to lsu and led the country in scoring a white dude ended up becoming a boozer but that dude knew how to handle the ball because his father would beat him his father would make him sleep in the garage in the winter and beat him until he learned how to play basketball because there was no losing in this house do you understand me joe rogan there's no losers in my house sleep in the garage no dinner but pistol pete knew how to dribble jack and pistol pete would take you deep pistol pete could have anybody could come about the best black dude in the league could cover pistol pete but if you watch that nba all-star game pistol pete is stopping chomping people and giving behind the back passes to julius irving he even looks at a dude with one path he's looking at bob mcadoo i'm coming and honestly he just puts the ball between his legs and he gives it to julia julius erving why because that kid's father stayed on there's a different thoughts of some people can handle that some people just can't though some guys have broken but i mean it's like how much pressure is too much pressure to create like a superstar like that i did in tiger woods didn't his dad put a lot of pressure on him as well let's let's talk about the the the guy that died last week but that's a different thing like well the tiger would joe jackson what the is different about that he created three kids to change the one kid that changed the world right he beat him he him in the air supposedly i don't know he did sexual assault got to be really careful with saying things i'm sorry listen it's the me too thing things come out what are you gonna do everybody's getting to blame for something you know what i'm saying but this is something you really heard i have i've heard sexual abuse allegations from his father but but i listen to listen to what what did he create what did he do what did joe jackson do by making them not letting them uh and let me tell you something the one kid could have gone to a college to play basketball the kids had talent as it was gary indiana here we go carrie indiana no it's like hell uh delaware and then gary indiana like you know saying like gary's like crazy he made these kids rehearse he pulled them out of gary took him up to barry gordy you know you think about this some of them probably hated him for what he did you look back at those lessons that you got your rogue and how many people did you look at one day and go you but then two years later you look back and you look at the lesson you learned from the whole experience and you actually have to go back and hug that person and go hey man thank you for that time it made me better today because of what you did made me a better person we're not going to agree with everything that happens along the way joe wrong but it's made us who the we are today that's an interesting thing because we grew up in a time where uh kids were just allowed to run around outside everybody ran around outside that was just normal right when you were a little kid you ran around outside nobody just runs around outside i remember the first time i saw a grown lady hit she hit my cousin we were both around the same age i was probably six and she was five and this lady slipped on ice in front of her apartment building and she got up and my cousin just unfortunately happened to be standing right in front of her when she fell and she got up and she said don't you laugh at me and she smacked her in the face she wasn't laughing at her either just she smashed her in the face man like it was she smacked her hard and i was like oh my god was that i mean we were both little little kids and watching some grown adult smash our cousin in the face we're like like you just gotta realize like hey you can't you know you got to be polite there's some people that will smack you in the face and she didn't even do anything wrong there's some evil out there that'll hit little kids that's some dark man smacking little kids in the face i swear to god i ran into probably when i first moved from cuba to 88th street there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids and i'm telling you right now to my little daughter there was words on the street that he would take it through his house with the ass oh my goodness that's how great this is this is the early 70s this was the early 70s which i turned into a joke later on because it would be like bro have you seen joe rogan lately nah i haven't seen him in a week sticky charlie guy i'm like a sticky charm what was his name mr martini mr martinez mr martini got him like when you first moved to 88th street that's the first thing the kids would tell you like i was keeping away from this guy don't with mr martini oh jesus he's a monster in his neighborhood he wore a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes his wife would die and he owned a building on 88th street in the middle and he was angry and he would sweep and you know like when you were a kid and you stopped in front of somebody's house he would always come out and go get the out of here you little douchebags get the and i was cuban i didn't understand the language i didn't really understand what he was saying i understood the anger but i didn't understand the language and he would come out with a broom get the out of here one day i realized i'm like this wants to rock so while my other friends didn't want to with them i'm like we're gonna with this so all cubans have like water in front of their house and there's something that your mother throws changing every day yeah it's like a good luck statue and i would steal the change and bring it downstairs and i would look at the poorer kids and i'd go come here for a second you want to call it and they would go yeah we'll get a quarter and i would take a quarter and throw it where mr martini lived he lived like in the basement area he ran the whole bed he'd be right there and he'd chase us we go mr martini suck my weenie and he's jesus and jesus christ oh my god if he caught you he would hit you like 50 times but we him up we would him up dog i saw some the first day like new jersey to me was a completely that was like mars to most people like most people listen to me and go you grew up someplace that doesn't exist i'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about the parents and the people and the situations but the first day i went out in my hometown of north bergen i saw me and joe rogan fight and even though i had joe rogan on his back i saw joe rogan's father come down the stairs pull me off joe rogan smack me punch me kick me throw me on the floor and make his kids go in that was my first experience ever in north bergen new jersey i saw mr robson come downstairs he took anthony off his son threw him off smacked him in the face joe rogan at two in the after noon in 90 degree heat punched him in the stomach and told him to go home you little giddy go home you little guinea say that now they'll throw you in jail for two years he told him go home you little guinea and anthony looked at him crying a little bit he picked up his shirt he went like this like he took the thing off and he goes i'm calling my father you're dead oh your guinea grease ball father god i dare you he's probably a grease ball just like you and i'm sitting there going i want to see how this plays out and next thing you know two cop cars pull up and it's one cop car that's unmarked that's another one that's marked and it's a big italian looking detective like you know the short stumpy italian and he comes out of his car he puts his jacket on it barely fits but till this dare i remember the mortadelles he had on his hand and he goes what the is going on here kids and the little italian kid comes when he goes miss this mr robson came down here and he smacked me in the face these are my witnesses tell him didn't he hit me and i'm sitting there going oh this is gonna get good and the next you know the the cop the detective tells the cop go look around see if there's tickets go spread tickets and he goes where's this guy live and he goes yeah and he goes he grabbed all the other kids and he goes tell me what happened and he goes anthony and him were fighting and he came down here and he pulled him and now at this time they know that the cops are there and mr robson i kind of opened this door to be kind of tough like he's not coming up he's gonna know i'm gonna knock him out too and the cop goes okay okay okay and he grabbed the kid and goes you're okay right yeah because he just hit me in the face and he walked up the stairs bro took him five minutes got to the top thing guy opened the door jorog and this guy put his hand in pulled them out put him against the thing on the second floor with everybody out and just started punching him oh punching him punching him like john jones when he's got you down he's hitting you with those shots to the head until the guy killed over and he started kicking him with the thing damn bam bam and that daddy goes don't you ever hit my son again let's get out of here and that was how i became friends with the family because as soon as he came down he goes who's this kid he goes he's this big kid he's the only one that jumped in he goes you want to come over for dinner and that was the beginning of my life when i got in that police car wow because i did crazy whatever i did whatever the i want look at this till today this is crazy and you know me and you don't around what do you got over there this is still that's what happened in 1970 three and what's that today that's a a gold card what does this card do it it does what it will need it to do it does whatever i needed to do you know what i'm saying you're a family member why because of that day because i'm the only guy that jumped in i like how cops have things like that a family member you could also see every card you could get from one of your buddies who's a cop show this you ever get pulled over put this on your license plate look at this little sneaky little thing so now we're tight i'm eating at the house i'm eating pasta with fresh mozzarella in the middle oh i could open up the front door whenever i want i call them mama she makes cream puffs oh wow so i'm tight with them i'm the only cuban in 1974 that's even walking in there so now we're in the sixth grade and we're playing kickball mckinley had no remember two months ago ellen degeneres donated 50 000 to a grammar school it was my grammar school in north bergen new jersey about two months ago yeah ellen degeneres donated 50 000 now when i went to that grammar school those didn't have a gym joe shovel snow they gotta be shoveled snow you shovel snow when it snowed out you shovel snow that was part of your physical education yeah and you did push-ups and sit-ups and that's like russian bro and they had a bar in the in the kitchen where you didn't pull ups no no they were brutal finally they built the gym in the eighth grade yeah but before that we played kickball outside in the fall when they were king playing kickball i'll never forget this the guy's name was mr tortora that was the teacher's name was he a good guy he was a good freaking little jim teacher and we're out there we're playing kickball and again that little italian kid the one that invited me to his house his father beat up the dude we're playing kickball and he's throwing the ball and every time i swing and i miss he's calling me goku kademoko that means i'm a boogie face in spanish because it rhymes with coco right and the teacher keeps going anthony i told you a thousand times none of that shit's allowed you know this is this is the sixth grade north bergen new jersey mr tatara was like hey none of that spicaroo over here right this is america right really oh bro that was at that time that was a big issue because a couple weeks before that a guy named kotora was a baseball coach and he threw a kid off for speaking spanish on the bus he told him he was no spanish on the bus and the kid goes you and he spoke spanish and he threw him off like 20 miles from the house became a big problem in my hometown they're gonna kill the dude but i remember going home my mom going he's talking the truth and now she speaks spanish this is america outside you speak america so my mom cut me off right there like i went home like ready to be like a protester and she was like that don't happen here we're americans you want to talk spanish talking in the house i think there's a real benefit to being able to speak more than one language definitely is yeah completely different mindset i'm happy i do it i speak to my daughter in spanish if i tell my ask mercy something i re-ask her in spanish if i tell the scientists i really yeah they say that things like that they're learning new languages in particular opens up parts of your brain that if you're just a dummy like me that only speaks english you can access different just different ways of looking at things you know well it's very analytical let's say you wanted to be a lawyer one of your pre whatever would be a language right you'd also have a heavy math to be a lawyer you have to have a very heavy math pre-curriculum yeah a lot of history you probably end up being a history major but there'd be a lot of math a lot of econ a lot of analytics because it forces your mind to solve equations so when if you look at the prerequisites whatever the it is what's the prerequisites prerequisites to be an attorney there's a lot of math involved interesting there's got to be language involved there's got to be politics involved like american political systems american history systems all that but it's got to be heavy math once you get to law school it's heavy reading and but before that it's a lot of problem solving yeah that's the that's how you become a problem solver by uh whatever yeah i agree with you whatever you just said well before i got locked up i was planning to be an attorney so i was a really a history major yeah that's that was the plan and then then thank god for history podcasts i love them they're the best i was thinking of going back to school no no no no no no no no there's no reason just listen and refresh and then go on and read about it well there's books on tape too that you listen to that are great but uh hardcore history and hardcore is great you ever listened to my boy daniel history on fire his is fantastic he was telling me about this road to rome i've never forgot this image where there was i think something like 150 miles of bodies that were put on stakes he sent it to me he just sent it to me a couple of days ago 150 miles of of human bodies that they stuck on these big poles and shoved them into the ground for my like every 30 yards they put a new person's body here it is 125 miles with one body crucified every 30 yards or so for a total of about 6 000 people crucified on the road between kapua and rome what the what was your purpose i would have to go back and listen to it again i forgot so that's a shadow one here whoo that shit's intense i want to start with uh i'm going to start from zero i'm going to start with the mongolians and listen wrath of the khan dan carlin the greatest podcast ever and then i want to move on to american history oh he's going to 101 i need american history 101 day one we're going back to roots let's go from roots let's go to 1776 what happened all there i need all that refreshed yeah all that stuff needs to be refreshed dude carlin has got some phenomenal stuff on world war one let's cover both wars let's cover both wars let's cover the third war of vietnam and let's cover the whatever the the conflict all that i was doing comedy so who watches the news i don't know who the was watching the news in 1991 not me i didn't watch tv again till you know 2003 or something like that i didn't watch the news and have a chance to be inclined politically or what the was going on i was just worried about doing stand-up right this silence brought to you by marijuana i didn't no no i didn't know i thought he was looking for something or whatever i'm ready to go you know me though you are we got a great card this week we could break down no you broke it down with brendan i gotta tell you man i like uh i'm leaning and i love dan cormier he's a champion of champions he took a couple bombs from anthony johnson bombs from anthony johnson but jesus christ every time they put an obstacle in front of stipe's way he figures out a way to take it down you know yeah he's hell-bent on staying champion he's a giant dude like stipe is a big guy and i know that daniel has beaten every single heavyweight he's fought he's undefeated as a heavyweight and including like throwing josh barnett around who's just a beast but uh stipe is a as the the most accomplished heavyweight champion of all time that's just a fact he defended his title against the top contenders and did it successfully three times nobody else been able to do that or take uh holloway jesus christ well he fights both fights of jesus christ great a dc fight is a fascinating fight fascinating fights wrestler and steep a is i mean he's as good as it gets we're doing the show friday night g yeah we're doing me and uh ian are doing the mirage okay beautiful yeah it should be fun nice yeah you ready for it yeah man i'm excited i'm excited for this card it should be it should be very interesting what's going on with you in the running lately you're really digging it yeah i'm digging it but i have a little bit of a tear in my meniscus are you thinking of if you fix the meniscus of doing something with running like running what your buddy does those marathons oh no have you considered something like that not really man i'm not i don't i'm not into doing something that i know is hard to do and it's definitely not good for your body i just think you get beat up doing that i'm going to just take your friend i mean as good as she jammer's a different kind of human well he needs that in some ways they take him to recover from something like that well that's an interesting thing you just a good good time for that question because he just ran a race today he ran like a six mile race and he was saying that his legs are not fully recovered he was saying in the post that you know his cardio was really good but you gotta figure you run for 24 hours i mean he ran for 24 hours just a month ago right was it a month ago not even a month ago three weeks ago something like that um that takes time and he's 50. you know when you're 50 years old it's not as uh the recovery is the recovery is is very tough yeah he's an animal but he lives to push himself like that you know i'm more inclined to try to preserve my body i like pushing myself but i'm just a chicken i don't want to be i don't want to be breaking hips and knees and my brother just had shoulder surgery eddie bravo he just got the stitches out this is his second surgery that he's had just this year you know he had um he had knee surgery real recently like a few months ago right didn't he have his meniscus done a few months ago this generation of jiu jitsu guys is learning a lot and they're learning what they're going to pass on to the next generation is that it's great to roll and the leg locks are great and all that is great but there's another aspect to this this which is called yoga and keeping your muscles strong yeah and the conditioning has to be good and you're uh you know there's also curious wear and tear yeah let's just take care of yourself a little these these guys didn't know you didn't know no you didn't know well it took me a while to learn but yeah the reality of jiu-jitsu is it's a thing that as you get older you have to be much more careful who you train with and how you train you can't just go balls to the wall like you could when you were 27 you have to keep your together and you know injuries are real you can't just work through them like that was a big fallacy people would get hurt and they would try to roll light nobody ever rolls a light they always say they're gonna roll light and then the guy almost gets you and you're trying to get him next thing you know you're defending and it's serious heated up roll session which is great but then you're like ah like your neck's all up and you go all right next guy i'm just gonna lay on my back and work my half guard as soon as it starts getting hot and heavy you almost got caught in an arm bar then you try to pop up and then try to pass his guard then you get into it you know it's uh it's a thing that's too exciting you know and jiu jitsu uh when i say like rolling hard i don't mean like not even breaking my level no no no listen me passing your guard and laying on you that's not funny that's a tough morning yeah even though i'm giving your love on top joking you breathe yeah yeah i'm good joey i'm letting you i'm just not letting you get the underhook i give tons of love when i i i love it yeah i'm addicted to it it's changed who i am you know i had to attack it from a different foundation i was attacking it from looking at jamie and going i got to do what jamie does and not realizing i got jamie by 25 years and i can't do what jamie does so my game has to be completely different to jamie's mondays when i come into class it's more about the uh the the uh drilling unless about the rolling and i'll do an hour conditioning class with brett we do everything we do the ball the things the ropes i do everything and i'll do that jujitsu class but i'll do the drills i'll roll once or twice and papa's got to go thursday i go balls to the wall on the rolling which means three or four rows that's awesome and then i try to take friday off and then sat out the way time condition and i'm done for the week joey diaz getting fit you got to do it i got this five-year-old number two i i watched your thing and i really do it i go to cryotherapy and i put my head in there i go to u.s cryotherapy i'm a novathor guy too that bed is making me feel phenomenal what is it i'm getting tremendous hard irons what is it the novathor bed the bed that you lay on and it cleans out your cells and like that what does it do it does everything look it up it's a animal you understand me plus i get in that freezer for three minutes and 30 seconds i put madonna on burn enough for your love i went to gay pride i forgot all about the gates look at this thing thinner fitter healthier happier what is it tremendous this is the dude they're going to talk us into getting into a pod the next thing you know you're going to be locked into the into the matrix what so what is this treatment no negative side effects clients are supply supplied with safety goggles and then relax into novothor treatment prod for eight to fifteen minutes of whole body restorative light treatment the treatment may be repeated two or more times a week what is it doing it's not saying what it's done what like what he's gonna instigate the thing he's gonna look into it what are you bothering me for tell me why i should get in your light box it's a whole body delivery system of pbm therapy that has been designed to deliver optimal wavelengths power what is that word densities and dosages based on the published clinical research outcomes huh i can't read from here where's the whole body in just six to 15 minutes the intended use of novothor or to redevelop muscles or restore motion to joints or for use as an adjunct therapy for obesity that seems like it does a lot of i don't know is that real i'm trying to hang on is that real jamie do i look okay you look good all right then you're exactly you feel like you're moving good like you're losing weight yeah no you have to do something yeah all that training you're doing if you're doing that much training that's crazy that's really awesome i really love it though that's beautiful and i try to do one strength training at the house honest style with club bells if you want to come here man we'll i'll work you out we'll work out together seriously i was thinking about calling you and coming around yeah maybe you give me a kickboxing lesson for sure and you know what else we could do we could do like a circuit a circuitry yeah because i have that uh echo air bike you know that echo bike i've never done that it's phenomenal so we could do uh rose the echo bike and i got a versa climber and i like to do them in i do those tabata sequences so it's like you you go hard for 20 seconds and then you rest for 10 seconds then you go hard for 20 seconds and you rest for 10 and you do like eight rounds of those it's intense and then you jump on over to the row machine the row machines there's another one a similar number it's like 30 hot 30 hard 30 off something like that and then you go to the versa climber and you plug in you turn 50 yeah yeah yeah i'm 50. you know i'm almost 51. i'll be 51. it's uh it's really interesting what i've learned and what i've read about 50. i saw a picture of carol o'connor a year ago when he was 46 years old when he was doing all right she bunker 46 46 jesus 40 seconds whoa go to that give me a picture of archie this is when he stopped or when he started i don't know it was a picture of him at 46. and i was like there has to be a better way let me see that i saw holy you know this is what america that is crazy what did you look like at 46 and 47. and you were like look at that dude he looked like well maybe that was like in the later years there's a funny thing right the lovable racist he was like the last of like he represented a real guy that might have had racist views that were kind of funny and he was in some way endearing because he was like such a good actor and it was such a good character and was so well written and his relationship with his wife and his kids and with meathead i mean the whole thing was it was a brilliant show like such a well-crafted show when sammy davis kissed him on the lips when when he found the puerto ricans dude in the wallet and the puerto rican guy comes over there talking and he looks at his wife in front of puerto rico he goes alice don't just stand there off him or something and she goes i don't know what he likes and he goes i don't know what puerto ricans drink and he looks at him the guy's smiling i'm like and you look something like i don't know puerto ricans drink he goes i don't know how about some pineapple juice you know what i'm saying the guy looks like that you get thrown off the air today yeah but it was it wasn't hateful racism it was queen's racism well first of all pineapple juice is delicious and why is it racist that a dude from an island would want some pineapple juice i would think that would you would be like culturally sensitive to like introduce that possibility like if i said something that you're you have a tradition of drinking pineapple today's society if i said to you listen i'm leaving here i'm going to chinatown they got fireworks if somebody heard me said to you right now to to tomorrow we'd get yeah we'd have a problem i would have a problem yeah well everybody knows that 20 years ago right now i'd be heading to chinatown and new york city getting amount of fireworks 144 bottle rockets a couple roman candles you know what's the most stupid man is that the food is somehow racist like there's there's food that's racist food like if you talked about black people and also talked about delicious fried chicken or delicious orange soda or grape soda would be grape soda right not orange soda orange sodas white people yeah orange soda is a white people thing right white trash orange soda no is that i don't know not that i'm anti-orange soda but i'm saying like those foods like watermelon in particular if you talk about a black person and you talk about watermelon that's a racist term even though watermelon's delicious it's weird like what is what the hell could be wrong about watermelon if you don't like the taste of watermelon if it's a hot summer day and somebody busts open a cooler and gives you a slice of watermelon how pumped are you how could watermelon ever be negative that don't make any sense to me it makes zero sense and the only way it makes sense that fried chicken could be negative to you is if you're a vegan or a vegetarian you don't want to eat a chicken that's the only way it makes sense that that would be a negative because otherwise like fried chicken is delicious who doesn't like fried chicken if you eat meat fried chicken is something you smell it you oh someone's really good at making it and they got a nice flaky layer on the outside you bite into that juicy perfectly cooked chicken least fried chicken in tennessee jesus joseph spices and tennessee a little leaves fried chicken jesus christ there's places that know how to do some fried chicken how could that be bad how could that ever be racist i that doesn't make any sense we gotta let that go i'm gonna tell you a racist thought but not really like saturday i went to the park with my daughter i'm sitting there and i saw a hasidic jew on sunday with the beanie and his wife with glasses i was just sherman oaks and he had a ten dollar bill sticking out of his pocket and i wanted to work my pickpocketing skills i wanted to see if i could still pickpocket a i even have my daughter bumping into his leg and stuff you can't pickpocket a jew dog you can't do it dude you know when i was a kid that was my first dream to pickpocket the children i watched a movie with our boy in it and michael cyruson who the first pickpocket movie is called harry in your pocket with our boy in your flint and like flint james coburn james colburn was in a pickpocket oh nobody knows about it america's greatest secret and they would work airports and like that harry in your pocket so i hunted down my mom i used to hear them talk about this cuban pickpocket guy in cuba in the 50s yeah yeah tremendous what did you do with him you did something with him right yeah i did two things with him i did american gun with him and i did uh our list with him all this is up you can find on others it's online somebody just posted the wallet i forgot about our list that's one of those shows that i forgot about but i watched him and i asked this guy how do you become a pickpocket i bumped into him at a cuban joint there was a rumor going around that he was a good cuber pickpocketing cube and he goes you gotta get a dummy and put bells on the pockets so i went and i don't know how i got a little dummy and i put bells on in years i tried to be a pickpocket but i have big hands yeah you gotta have those slender things you gotta have to slend the fingers pockets and you bump into them and i'm very light-footed that i am i was a good burglar because i could tiptoe you know what i'm saying that's from my ears a tip tone on the dummy to try to take the wallet from the dummy i could just never pick back in the dummy it's great that you're doing so many different things though it's really cool to hear you're rolling you're doing some muay thai and the rolling has really improved because at first you can't roll i i dropped the weight because i figured for every five pounds it'd be a little bit more cardio plus i got the boss rooting mouthpiece i spoke to him yesterday again you like that thing huh i really believe in it i don't know what if you use it while you're working out or i use it when i walk you're walking when i walk i take a walk in the morning 20 30 minutes explain to people what it is the the boss root and mouthpiece is on amazon that's his webpage i saw it because he was on joe talking about it i was having such a struggle with my breathing i was having such a struggle but it was just common sense number one i smoked cigarettes for 20 years number two i smoked reefer for 40 years but all those are just excuses the number one thing was the weight every fan inside is some smart guy said handsome bastard yeah he's such a hand that's a handsome mother he's a great guy too he's one of the best people i know some guys say to me that great guy a great brown belt told me that whenever he rolls he could feel the difference when he's 10 pounds heavy oh yeah for sure goes oh joy whenever i go to my mother's and i come back that first week it's brewing like oh really and i go so if i'm walking around at 309 trying to be heady it's not going to work so i just started chopping on the weight i went back to weight watchers i walked in there at 3 10. i heard they have a bunch of different rules now like what you can eat what you can't eat i'm going to tell you something you can eat as many eggs cause you know you and i always have this conversation if you're heavy and you don't go to weight watchers it's because you're a loser whoa that's a it's that it's that easy it's that easy because i'm an idiot i mean you enjoy it i'm a idiot here papa here papa come on that's my guide okay that's my guide so you uh put everything you eat into this app into the app oh nice okay it comes with that let me show you what i was like dinner snacks total and then you uh you count it out by points is that what they do they do it themselves how many points you get in a day 39. now let's say joey would you eat that give me that can of coffee um right there don't give me that one pop up if you don't mind pink okay we don't know so you scan that and then it'll tell you how many i don't think that has many calories in it does coffee plain coffee have calories not really maybe a couple but not really so when you get the milkshake coffees for breakfast and the uh flat white even a flat white don't kill you all right this isn't in there it's not in there but you go like this boom and then you got this joe rogan you ready you press this over here and you press this here and you press this here and they give you points for whatever you do walk circuit training then you have custom so i press brazilian jiu jitsu let's you go to an hour class how much do you really roll 15 minutes if you go to an hour class you're doing technique he teaches you how to do the drill and he tells you a joke so you're pressing 15 done and then you press the intensity where you breathe like an atom i just bent seven points you leave this in your phone in your pocket you put this in your pocket and guess what happens it counts the steps when i went to disneyland that i burnt 31 points so it's all the eggs i could eat for breakfast so for breakfast i go to john's and i gotta see the roll even if i give myself four points for the row five points for the roll six points for a row i put two eggs in that which is 14 grams of protein and i put a thin slice of humans boys had american cheese and some frank's hot sauce on that how are you going to talk to me what do you want to talk to me about so you essentially could eat anything you want as long as you know what the points are i can get a certain amount of points fish i can out fish you for days so i'll leave here and go to sushi dan and i get the crunchy albacore which is i can't wait for rogan to visit me it's sliced albacore covered with jalapenos onion and garlic is it possible let me ask you this is it possible that you could eat just all eggs all day and have zero points zero points really eggs all day scrambled eggs all day that sounds crazy fish all day sea bass you could eat salmon and sea bass all day chicken breasts no skin no skin all day all day chicken breasts not chicken cutlets like mom made with italian bread crumbs no no no no no that's fried grilled chicken on a breast with red crushed peppers and a baked potato five points for the baked potato whoo so you want to tell me again how uh listen it's not a journey it's not a race see before it's only healthy to lose like a pound a pound and a half a week is that what it is that's what it was that's what they say anything after that you're going into that loser show where they lost all that weight at one shot and then that's why all these diets and stuff that you have to do on something that you're gonna do forever i've always liked this i lost 100 pounds with this yeah and then i gained 40 and now i lost another 30. that's awesome and it hasn't been killing me like i don't miss nothing you know when i learned i didn't know this i would go get an acai bowl america thinks salazar ebola is great let me explain something to you eating a banana and putting a banana in a blender is two different things i did not know that one day i was making one of those because i switch i have on it protein which i use the vanilla or the chocolate mexican chocolate and then i have this other one that's a paleo type protein it's coconut milk and i put i used that one and one day i said let me put a banana in this just to see and i'm like damn this is delicious i'm on to something i gained weight that week i didn't know what it was from the banana when you blend the banana it's eight points what when you eat a banana it's who gods but it's zero coffee because when you eat fruit and when you drink fruit it's two different things that's why we're all these fat people when you see them going i don't eat breakfast i drink a smoothie you're killing yourself you were killing yourself every time you puree fruit because when you eat fruit the sativa that's the saliva saliva the saliva in your mouth breaks the fruit down and it digests the sugar a different way when you bypass that enzyme in your mouth that's when you get 300 pounds like uncle joey right so when you drink fruit i don't care if they tell you oh it's frozen fruit you lose some of the sugar that's once you blend that fruit you dead because it goes right into your system it goes out to you down all the fiber yeah you're not supposed to learn that any other way other than the way that it comes when you eat it you could go to that little mexican stand with the umbrellas you ever see those guys the cartel delivery is that what that is yeah that's what the cartel drops off that money shake them down they got 300 000 under that guy's over there cutting fruit with a machete go ahead i dare you to go up there when you see a cartel umbrella that's a cartel money that they got tons of money in those things they just confuse people they even got them across the street from one another well that's starbucks don't you think they're just poor people that are trying to make some money not really how many apples you gotta sell the pay rent in this days and times nobody stands out there look at those mexicans they don't even use spf they're out there raw with no umbrella out there yeah they look darker than dark they get dark you know but you got to pay me to stand out there all day in this weather a lot they don't they get like 200 a day 300 a day not because they're cutting apples up because the guy comes to name pancho and takes what's underneath them and takes it straight to mexico on thursdays and nobody sees nothing that every time you eat that fruit it's sprinkled with cocaine eat some of that fruit no watch the energy you get like that box of royal florida can't they just be poor farmers because that's outside of the room because that's how nice people like you think for me i'm a criminal i see people for what it is i see things for what it is i'm trying to sell the lead to a rehab because are you i got a friend that's got a rehab you go down there lee why are you trying to sell lee sell send lee to him because he can make money there's a rehab there's a bunch of rehabs in florida you go to and they get your insurance and they bang your insurance for 60 and then they give you a cup back at 30. i totally let me send you down into my buddies give me ten percent i get three grand you go down they get acupuncture they give you a few massages how do you give a oh the rehab business imagine who lisa would be in terms of his marijuana consumption imagine where he would be if it wasn't for you like there is that guy when you first started having him on your show when you guys first started doing youtube pop maybe three times in college a couple months in he's done superhero doses of edibles couple months in i mean like little by little little by little but when you would sneak them in on them and you would take away a 250 and put it to 500. what i would do is wrap it i get this this the joey diaz co-star in the church of what's happening now is completely asleep at the wheel he's on the show and his eyes are almost totally closed he's barely a slit and he's just dazed who's the guest who is that it's raymond bozzia a kid that i told on this podcast yeah he can't take him though hi what is the name of this video jamie lee and out of space elisa in outer space look at him go he's gone i would get these okay i would go over there in the afternoons and i would get a 180 and i would rip the cover off to 180. and i would take a 67 60 milligram woman i'd eat that one it was like two in the afternoon they don't do nothing to me i'd eat like a 60 and i'd take the 180 and put in the 60 rapper oh no and then i'd bring it to him put it on the table and in front of him i go here and then open it up for him and he wouldn't see that it was half opened already uh and i would give him the 60. but it was like last night i gave him an expired one it had a little bit of mold on it he he's going to be a good comic a bro he is going to be a good cop look at eleanor eleanor sat there for 15 years shut her mouth and watched there's a really special gift to that yeah whether you think eleanor was funny or not whether you agree with her or not i give her the balls a lot of people don't like just sitting there and watching there's a lot of people that do though you know there's a lot of people that work in and around comedy clubs that probably want to do it they just don't know how to get started you know they just don't have it in them to get the ball rolling it's hard it's hard to it's hard to try something new you keep thinking about when's the right time to do it is it now maybe should i wait a week you know you know what i'm going to lose 10 pounds and then i'm going to try it and you get all these things in your head how long did it take you seriously honest honest honest engine well my birthday was august 11th and uh when i turned 21 was august 11th of 2000 and or 1988 rather so i got on stage august 27th so from my birthday to when i got on stage it was just a few days it was just the quickest terrified terrified i was trying to check it out um jonathan katz was the emcee and i was maybe going to get up it was one of those things or signed up for the list you know you get i think it was five minutes and there's a bunch of people that are gonna do five minutes and jonathan katz who was already an established stand-up comedian he really funny guy and he was the host and uh he's like um he came up to me he said um let me check in a half an hour in to see if i can get young sometimes people wouldn't show up and so a half an hour in um i'm thinking i'm just gonna chicken out i'm just gonna bail i'm just gonna tell them forget about it and when i'm thinking this in my head i walked up to him and he's i got you in joe so uh you'll be going up right here and you'll have five minutes good luck and i said all right thank thanks man okay so i was ready to out dude i was totally ready to out and i was so nervous the first time i went on stage i was terrified i couldn't believe it was the name of the place stitches stitch's comedy club august 27 1988. um i was terrified dude terrified i couldn't believe i was scared i didn't it didn't make any sense to me i didn't think i was going to be scared i thought maybe i'd be like a little nervous like i'd never performed before so this idea of doing it i was like well you know i've taught taekwondo classes in front of people before i can talk in front of people and then i thought about the idea of like doing stand-up in front of people what the made this go down there it took me it's crazy it took me a year to think about it and then it snowed and i couldn't go to work because we can't roof colorado right so i rented a punchline oh tom hanks and sally fields angel salazar damon wayans yeah bunch of people in that movie i watched punchline and that pissed me the off like that was it i went on the yellow pages i found comedy clubs i called them and comedy works offered a tuesday night open mic how do i get on you have to call in and they'll give you three minutes okay so for two months i called in nothing and then one night they're like joe diaz and i called him back that night oh my god i'm sick i got the flu i was like i'm not going down there wow and then i was roofing i'm roofing i'm roofing i'm roofing i'm estimating jobs i'm going to different jobs and dropping off material i had like two crews working and i went to one crew and they go hey man we're stuck here on this job can you get us the morning break and i go yeah i'll go over there and i went over to this little diner right off the 30 whatever that i-70 mm-hmm it's like 70 or i-25 which one the one in denver it was like an industrial area trucks everywhere i don't remember what the number that road is we were doing a road there and i but there was a place around the corner jamie dad the best green chili you ever had in your life and when you poured them over scrambled eggs your dick would get harder than with two tortillas are you kidding me to eat those two huevos rancheros i walk over there i sit down and you know there's always a paper like in front of you you ever go to a diner or something there's always a paper somebody read right and i sit down i give the waitress to the order i'm sitting and i look over and i went like this just out of you know you just go like that to the middle and when i opened it said do you want to be a stand-up comic whoa and there was an article about how roseanne became a stand-up comic and now because of denver she had just blown up like roseanne had just blown up it was uh maybe march of 91. roseanne had just blown up denver was a hotbed jack everybody was drinking the water everybody was wanting to see what roseanne was doing so it had a big thing about roseanne and it had all these open mic spots and it had classes that you could take and there was a class in boulder for 33 dollars three sundays in a row at the university of colorado part of the continuing education the guy that taught it his name was jeff harms and i went the first sunday did okay went the second sunday did okay and the third sunday i performed and on the way out he took me inside and he goes i don't know how serious you are about this but you're on to something if you want to do it let me know and i left that going i want to sell coke crap jokes i want to crack jokes don't do anything i'll be a pickpocket magician and come up with birds and i swear to god like oh my god you crazy i want to sell calm me a comedian and then about a month later i saw an ad in the paper for doormen for comedy clubs and i called it up and they said come up and on the way there i called jeff he gave me his number because he said you want to go on stage just call me i'll put you up somewhere and i go there's a job for a doorman at wit's end do you think i can get it he goes i'll call the guy right now you got it just drive there and fill out the app and tell them you're friends with me and they made me a doorman slash a sound guy wow and the bar back quit so i was the door guy sound guy in the in the bar back and after about six months i had two jobs i hated going home i had a marriage that was just just like the ones we all talk about when you cannot go home it's not your home anymore right i would basically leave at six come home at five take a shower eat whatever crap she cooked give the baby a kiss and i'd get in my truck and go back to westminster it was a club away from the comedy worse it was in westminster but it wasn't it didn't get the best people in the world you know what i'm saying like you have toothless people in there and people who poach bears and like that so i started there and then in the middle of all that it took me two months to get a spot from wendy and then i went down there and nicole saw me one of the original owners of the economy store wendy with the comedy what's up comedy world comedy works denver he was one of the original owners when he had nickel saw me and told me to keep coming back but i knew when i walked off that stage that life as i knew it has had ended how so whatever i thought life was at that point had gone out the window like i look saturday was up for me because saturday i i was supposed to be somewhere this week but i couldn't go i had to go to my friend's mother's 80th birthday party and why was important it was in philly it was away from philly she's in an old folks home because they're the second family that took me in when my mom died like they took me in a crucial spot joe like you're throwing me out i'm 17. and i got nowhere to go i couldn't go to my stepfather so i had an aunt in new york that i could live with and i had a godmother in harlem and i didn't want to live with both of them joe like i was i just mentioned to a friend one day we were out snorting coke and drinking and i told them i go where i'm standing they're throwing me out of their data and he wasn't even good friends with me and about a week later i saw him at school and he goes hey man i talked to my father you can move in with us that was whose birthday it was on saturday you know so when i got off the phone with her i was thinking about how important they were to me but i still remember being 17 and sitting on that hill on 86th and county boulevard thinking about how i had nowhere to go bro like this was my only shot like i had nowhere to go like nowhere there wasn't like a homeless channel i didn't know where the to go i probably had ten dollars in my pocket and then the younger brother ran up the hill and he goes dog they're waiting for you to scum to eat the dinner i'm over there i had never met the parents how lucky am i enjoy i never met the parents that's pretty lucky and i walked in and they had like six kids and it wasn't like what i was used to living they had no air conditioner the parents were blue collar and they took me in they made me a part of their home never asked me for rent wasn't the best house in the block but till this day i'm tight with all the four brothers and sisters like we're it's like we're all one big family but think how lucky like i'm not even talking about being thankful for the comedy bridge just the personal bridge that i went over like i was a killer and at that point i had lost all faith in uh humanity like i was done like i wasn't a catholic no more i was just waiting to kill somebody that's it that's all i was waiting on it's such a weird like i'm not even worried about the comedy bridge no more it was the personal brits where i grew the most you know i don't even know how we got in this conversation this weed is killing me it's good weed they're gonna kill the good weed now right is that what's happening how does this work what how's the new no no no no i still got some guys yeah i'm sure you do i mean legally but legally for it'll still be available for medicinal people so we gotta get a card yeah recreational it's gonna be gotta renew that card son i got it i gotta renew that card i don't want any of your weed i don't want any of your watered down weed what are they going to do they got to water it down how much 18 something like that but never fear but here's the thing isn't that strong uncle joey's here look at never fear look at this we got a d.a one two oh wow what do you think you're dealing with here joey bananas we got state federal we got them coming from all over you know what i'm saying yeah damn dea yeah just in case you know just in case just in case the american man i was looking at the medicinal rules in ohio recently you can't grow your own there if you have a card yeah they're sneaky with that right yeah hopefully people eventually vote that out but you had to get it in there first that's the only way it would have passed they have everything wired up but it's a it's a victory because it's going to be very difficult to make it illegal now that it's legal it's going to be very difficult to go backwards so then you have to figure out like why do these companies have a monopoly on making it if it's legal why can't you make it yourself aren't tomatoes legal i can grow tomatoes can i you could even probably grow like do you need a tax stamp or something to grow tobacco how does that work maybe to sell it i'll check like if you wanted to grow your own tobacco would you be able to do that like if you said i want to make my own pipes and uh you know fill them with my own tobacco i want to make my own cigars could you do that is that possible for personal use that's crazy so if you could do that federally and then they're saying you can't in ohio you can't grow your own weed that's that's so stupid that's so dumb like how do you let that go do you even know what you're doing no you're like me i don't know i don't know dick about it i wouldn't do it but you should be able to if it's legal of course you should be able to grow it that's it's a plan you know nobody's waiting for them to not grow it where can you not grow in ohio if you have a card here's the worry the worry is that you wouldn't charge taxes you would keep the money you wouldn't be accurate you just do it with cash you do cash transactions that's the worry but that would be a tax worry more that right is that what it is that they're saying tobacco too yeah you can grow as much as you want you just can't sell it okay but you they're not even allowed to grow their own for personal use when it comes to marijuana so it's more restrictive than tobacco which is hilarious silly that's so dumb does that make any sense to you we have some wacky laws that we let sneak through like why would you let other people decide that different people in this group can't grow a plant that's legal now get the out of here that's dumb that's a dumb rule they can't somebody go no weed that's loose anymore so if i come into your store and i go what do you got you can't open up the container and show me the button let me smell it they all have to be sealed and stuff there's just a lot of silly rules i don't know which ones they don't i'm very happy i found this bag of expired uh chiba shoes from 2015 listen you know me i make it work are they diminished in any way no no no a couple of them have a little bit of mold on them you just take the mold off i put a little brown nail polish on it and nobody knows about that did you see it like it's like nothing who gives a a little mold never killed nobody molds help people penn state right yeah penicillin came from some mold didn't it something like that it's so crazy how you see it with your kids you see it with your kids i took my kid to science camp and when i came from cuba i had a lot of problems uh medically here when i came to this country and one of them was the allergies the allergies were completely different than when i was using a different country they're mind-boggling so my allergy if you ever hear me make that noise you ever hear me do that that's because i don't i can't scratch the back of my throat like normal people you know how normal people do that noise so you all sealed up up there yeah the first week of camp i saw my daughter do and i felt so bad for she would try to scratch her nose and i would see her get frustrated joe rogan just scratching and scratching and scratching and now it's gone three weeks into summer camp she don't scratch them how come because you build up your immune system oh it's so weird how you see it in front of you now you see it i see it i saw it in front of me like i went right to my wife and i go let me tell you something you better take it to the doctor and get the tonsils out because that's the that started with me at that age when i came from cuba right away i was in the hospital on a weekly level dog weekly between the tonsils and the allergies and the asthma and the asthma but my mother didn't pay attention to the asthma that's why i don't have it today like i might have bits and pieces of it but i don't have him mercy's got it my daughter's got it they got to do the inhaler in the whole thing asthma was roughed it's rough that's rough i've seen people have asthma attacks and you see you could hear the wheezing and you have no idea so i have to work it from a different angle what can what can they do like if someone doesn't have an inhaler and they have an asthma attack is there a strategy or a technique my friend's mother died at a party oh no yeah so you have to be from an asthma attack yeah oh like us having a party right now oh having a great time i got an asthma attack and the inhaler opens up your your lungs and breathing how it works my wife has the machine it's the machine i'm a machine that blows some powder in it with a thing and then there's a regular machine that my wife has and then she has the inhaler uh you know my wife and her and the doctor been working on different things she's healthy i mean the kid's healthy as she runs she swims jiu jitsu this that ballet you know it's it's four days a week we don't stop at that house you know you just you see it yeah you know people i love these people i think let's meet at 3 30. you tell your mother to 3 30. 3 30 is when my day really starts you know i'm saying i'm writing jokes at eight not because i want to because that's what i got yeah that's what i got that's what i got because i got this that this that and at three o'clock from monday to friday that's a different activity sometimes you do three at a time bro we go right from jiu jitsu right to the pool when she jumps in you think we could do an hour with jiu jitsu and then go to a pool and swim for 45 minutes you jack yeah you got to see it it's it's unbelievable people like nah let's meet you i got ballet i got a thousand activities during the week kids are a little energy machines and if you don't burn that energy then you deal with it from seven to nine when you're trying to do your own and trying to get it together they're just constantly ready to go they're ready to go a couple weeks ago she took it to the zoo six hour walk around la zoo i get home at four he's like what's the story we're going to the park i looked at my wife like park took it to the park two hours on the monkey bars and then another hour at the yogurt place jumping up and down to music and michael jackson and drawing pictures really is crazy being a dad especially because they don't know i kidnapped somebody like she's she has no idea she has no idea i'm a savage so she thinks i'm on the up and up like when we go to church and she's like daddy look at jesus yeah well nothing turns people more on the up and up than being a father it really does yeah it changes who you are you're responsible for these people now and you just do you have to think of things differently you have to make sure that you provide you have to make sure that they're taken care of you've got to give them love it's like it's an intense world and you feel more vulnerable and it's just the whole the world around you opens up and you also have more empathy i have way more empathy for people now because i i'm becoming you know as you're raising children you're seeing how they develop and then you're considering how other people have been mistreated and how things have gone terribly wrong they've been abused and beaten and up and left in terrible situations and you realize that so much of what happens with people with even terrible behavior comes from other terrible behavior like they didn't get a chance to stop the cycle and they're a lot of people that we consider like really bad people violent people people that do terrible things they we don't even realize that so many of them are a product of violence like they're a product of someone doing it to them like they've almost they're trying to get back at the world for all the horrible that's been done to them and there was no one there to put a stop to it there was no one there to save them there was no one there to protect them and this is what we're seeing when we see up people we always just think of it as up people but that up person is the product of some terrible things that have happened to them almost universally almost every angry up person has come from a place where something has gone really wrong against them you don't you're not angry and up if everything's awesome if every day just getting ice cream getting your dick sucked and driving a ferrari and watching awesome movies like you know it's you there's a there's an anger that some people have violent criminals in particular that comes from someone doing that to them i had the language i know you did i had that anger from 1979 you had that when i met you i had that anger but no you had that when i met you i've seen it i've seen it with people well let me explain something wanted to attack people the anger was very uh all right first of all under control i was always a happy kid and uh but not really because i was always confused about the death of my father hmm so that always had a little certain unhappiness yeah but i always had the catholic faith i was really raised catholic and i always believed he was in heaven and he was in that box when my mom did the things so i lose the pain a little bit then my mother's death was just horrifying and that broke the central nervous system belief system that broke your belief in the world how can there be a god that takes a mother away from a child when you're 16 and you wrap that around your head there's not a good result it's not going to be a good result so how i lashed out was by robbing you that was the only weapon i had in the world was to rob you joe rogan me this studio would get robbed and lit on fire and joe knew it was me and what the was he gonna do i'm with carmine what the you gonna do you call the cops it's karma they're gonna answer the phone next time don't with me you'll know next time not to with me when i tell you to give me that gram of coke and i'll pay you on friday you'll give it to me all right because that's what it was it was simple like that right like joe give me a hundred bucks bro joey i don't have 900 bucks okay then i robbed your house you should have given me 100 bucks you know i was lashing out at the world right number two the other issue i had is i lost a child i lost a child i was not ready for that child at all i loved that little girl with all my heart but i was not ready for her at all my intentions were good but the result was not gonna be well i was not ready and because i lost that child and i'm in no contact with that child it makes me the better father that i am today this is never going to happen to me again do you understand me yeah i see i see the we see daughters of comics we've seen daughters of comics and sons of comics and they're lost you know i don't want my daughter to be lost in that stupidity in that world you know you have to be there joe we have to be there yeah you know you have to be there i'm trying to be there as much as i can you have to be engaged you know you have to be engaged will your parents engage as much as you're engaged not mine but i didn't want a different world yes it's a different world but my parents were very open-minded what my parents gave to me that was really important was they they're like the most non-judgmental non-racist non-homophobic people ever they don't judge about anything they were hippies you know when when my mom met my stepdad he had crazy long hair and he had it like all all till i was like almost in high school was when he cut i was so happy when he cut it i was like people were like back then dudes grew their hair long they were hippies like legit hippies but because of that i was raised around like no racism no homophobic we had uh no homophobic thoughts in our house we that never came up we lived in san francisco from the time i was seven till i was 11. we lived all in a serious gate and one thing that did disturb me though once i was walking with my stepdad some dude whistled at him some dude was like i knew that dudes were gay but there's a thing about when a dude is hitting on your straight stepdad and you're like oh my goodness this is ridiculous like guys are gross it makes you realize it doesn't even really make you realize what it would like to be a chick in that same exact same i grew up completely different not in my home not in my home but the surroundings you know when i would walk down the corner mr tina would go spicaroo where you going tonight you know jesus guys there was a kid that i still talked to him on facebook his name is louis hernandez he's dominican joe he's dominican he's dominican they didn't give a they called him louis the constantly louis the the guys he's dominican do you think they gave a they didn't give a they didn't give a so funny you know they didn't give a uh people were just different then it's a different world we're talking about right i remember there was a kid that is today gay i still talk to him he's my brother as a matter of fact he's one of my brothers i got to be honest with you he lives in miami he's got hiv i mean listen if you didn't know he was gay when he was 12 there's something wrong with you but mrtino used to call him he was lighting the slippers you know look at look at jimmy he's lighting the slippers you know and you had to sit there and take it it was uh whatever it should be okay for a little jimmy lighting the slippers everybody should just let him be he was my best friend he had a dog named that was the dirtiest dog ever like he lived outside skin like when your pet the thing was that hardest it was like uh like with those brushes you scrub like a metal brush like he lived outside but he followed him everywhere he was beautiful i love dogs no you're very lucky because i they're the best they're the best pets you know i grew up in an environment i'm standing with you and my man here we're on the corner we see a transgender person crossing the street you're like look at the shape of this guy as simple as that is that's a judgment that's a judgment but it was more of a sense of humor you know before we were looking at a picture of uh of uh archie bunker america understood it because he they knew where he was coming from he wasn't saying nothing malicious it was a world where he came from right and the idea was that he was reluctantly open to occasionally taking new information in america today every guy is sitting at home looking out the window peeking waiting to to get me toot there's a thousand men at home waiting right now to get me dude every day a new guy gets called out for something like that what's this gonna be like in five years nobody's gonna be able to even ask for a piece [Music] nobody's gonna go hey let me give you a little stab let me give you a little bacaloosh i think there's going to come a time and then and i don't think it's going to be very long within 10 years where we're going to be able to read each other's minds i think we're going to be able to communicate in a different way and i think it's just going to be step one into some sort of a technological world where we all read each other's minds we can connect together in some almost like telepathic web way the way you use uh this is obviously just an idea but i think that if technology continues to give us closer and closer access to people we're going to lose all boundaries between what a person is and you're going to know everything about everyone's past and everyone's going to know everything about yours and it's going to be like some unlimited library of the mind you can you can travel through anyone's mind and read anyone's thoughts and as 100 years goes by and the technology gets better and a thousand years go by we're going to integrate we're going to figure out a way whether it's in our grandchildren's lifetimes or their grandchildren's lifetimes and i think that cultural shifts and things that are happening in the news and people waking up to things that they think are horrible and people trying to correct the the misdeeds of the past all of that is us waking up in the middle of our culture and trying to figure out what's right figure out what's the the healthy way to move forward figure balance this thing out slow down what are we doing we're waking up as grown adults trying to figure out our system and there's some injustices those injustices have to be corrected or at least recognized we have to understand what's the difference between normal male female interaction and what's sexual harassment what when is it when someone doesn't want you to do it when does it become a crime you know when you don't want your daughter to ever experience that and i don't want anybody that's a woman to experience real sexual harassment it's the worst thing that could probably ever happen to you because you can't do anything physically about it other than rape or being beaten up or murdered it's a creepy place to be in i've had guys hit on me before you ever heard a guy hit on you before were you like hey where is this going i was like 13. yeah i grabbed my dick i didn't know what to do i ran out of the car and it was my fault for getting in the car i also acknowledged it and it never happened again and i would go to gate theaters when i was a kid like we thought it was a joke to go to a porn theater on a sunday you go to a porno on a sunday like with six of your stupid friends and go to the bathroom and there's always a guy that gets next to you in the store when you go pee and he looks at your dick and he smiles come on guys yeah i've bumped into a lot of creep you've been out here first of all i tell you what bothers me about the current situation how it went off that this place here has always been a haven for sexual harassment this neighborhood down the corner here hollywood is where sexual harassment got invested invented did you ever see um all the stuff about fatty arbuckle i heard pieces about fatty arbor but i don't need to know about fatty i know about a chick named marilyn monroe that they passed around until they killed her i know about a guy named liberace who used to suck your dick and clean you out and then send you out into the cold and worse he would you know get plastic surgery so he looked like like you look like him look the doctor is one of the most intense things a person's ever made a person do and let me tell you something and let me tell you something else too let's while we're the elephants in the room the where we hang out was known for a comedy hell of den of sucking dick too for a lot of years at the comedy store a lot of dick sucker went down to comedy store i don't know how long harvey weinstein's been around but there's a song by the eagles in 1980 that was released on the long run their last album and it's called the king of hollywood on the way home put it on listen to it in the car you're gonna crash your car call the king of hollywood and he you're gonna go who the were they talking about i have to i mean it just breaks it down it would be a shame to see all that talent go to waste you know what are you willing to sacrifice wouldn't you really be just nice oh you got look at this come sit down here beside me honey let's have a little heart to heart that's the lyrics to this song wow king of hollywood 1980 nobody knew now look at me and tell me darling how badly do you want this part yeah let's listen you put men in positions of power and hiring women like that in that that crazy position of what you're trying to cast something and you got a hundred people that want it so bad and you're you know you're some creepy dude some people actually think that this would change their life if i came to you right now and said joe rogan you're delivering papers in boston you're gonna have two shows you're gonna have a podcast all you gotta do is lick my ball oh my goodness just swallow it one time but i want you to do i want how much do i get in how long do i have to suck them for because like it's going to be over pretty quick this is a career changer if clark gable may do just do that right that's who they were talking about oh the king of hollywood yeah is was clark gable a um was he a gay man it was based off of a book apparently all this stuff that was in there but he was he alleged to be a gay man was this no idea no this is nothing like this but there was also a book released in hollywood in 1997 or eight called you'll never work in this town again oh so those lyrics were about clark gable yeah oh i'm sorry i thought it was yeah yeah yeah yeah but then there was a book released in 1997 or eight in this hollywood called you'll never work in this town again and it was about a chick who described all her sexual relationships with a bunch of people in town and she described don henley the drummer from the eagles the guy that sings and he would get hookers to come up to the house wouldn't even talk to them well line them up turn around don't even look at me don't even make eye contact with me you understand me bend over so he would sit on the couch with a robe on with his deck out snort and coke and they would all be in front of a fireplace bent over where'd you hear this this is in his book you'll never work in this town again jesus christ and he would it you never eat lynch in this town again oh you never eat lunch and he would take the thing do a line of coke get up and walk up to one of them spread them putting them in their ass a little bit of that pump it twice and then you know i'll be back in five minutes and then he would go sit down put his feet up do another line and he would do that for eight hours just get up one for five minutes and sit back down before he'd come so he would never crack a nut and he would just keep snorting to keep her heart on alive fist so who the knows listen you know it's like they all threw the harvey under the bus but these animals had been doing this since jesus loves chicago since jesus chicago listen when i read that article about the cuban superman that they brandon was sleeping with what they blatantly talked about in that article was exactly what we're seeing today only behind closed doors that cuba had become a haven for sex where you could go see a goat get i mean didn't they pass a rule this week in mexico that a girl could get if she's 12 years old you really need that rule really that's the rule you need is that really what just got passed something that you could beat that eight 12 years old is the act of and this is in mexico in mexico why is a woman 12 years old that's insane that's insane it's scary it is real talk you believe that oh my god look at this the federal law established at the age of 12 as the minimum age of consent while the age at which there are no restrictions for consensual sexual activities is 18. sex with someone 12 to 18 is not illegal per se but can still be open to prosecution under certain circumstances what does that mean so it's it's age 12 is the age of minimum age of consent but the age in which there are no restrictions for consensual sex is 18. so the idea is that sex between someone who's 12 and 18 it's not illegal but they might be able to lock you up if you do something super creepy that is nuts man you imagine if there's like some person that just only went after 12 years now where is that that's from the united states or mexico it's mexico so that's why people would fly down there is it actually i typed in mexico but this is an article on wikipedia about agent consent north america laws i'll find out wait a minute that what i just read was about north america how is that real i just saw north america too and that's why i asked them there's states where i i'm sorry not in north america united states of america right north america is canada too that is that is a that is a not possible thing how is it is that really possible that 12 could be the age of consent anywhere oh no yeah what are you talking about that's crazy 18 right that's the federal law of mexico mexico yeah you scared the out of me jamie no it the kid here in america it's no yeah yes this article is about north america age of consent in north america and there is states here where it's lower than 18. what yeah like there's a couple i believe it's 14. dude is that real it might have changed it really okay so 12 17. the 12 are the ones that are in white which is that's in mexico right down here yeah okay there are spots and all the way up the coast right yep that's still mexico down here yeah that side but that that whole thing is 12 years old the age of consent the blue is all 16. whoo that's a lot of states at 16. yeah that's kind of crazy it's just a lot of us states how cool it's 16. that's crazy 14 18 and central excuse me what does it say central america oh 14 to 18 in central america interesting that's uh that age of consent thing is bananas go back to that little map again please that is weird to look at i would have thought there would be way less of those 16 look how many 16s there are and what are the darker ones can you scroll all the way down so we can see the whole scale so 17 is that and then wow taxes are seven green is 18. so it's only like florida california there's less greens and there are blues more the age of consent is 16. is this current is that possible this is not current it seems nuts alaska's 16-2 i assumed it was all 18. i thought florida was like eight you know florida could be like seven six and a half you never know that i'm that crazy place that is a crazy place that's where white people go to boogie didn't have like paint i i i just found out about that there was a time you go down and just buy pills over the counter or something go pain doctors pain medications yeah like i just read this recently that that law got abolished or something that's why so many people left florida there were people moving to florida in droves just for those pain doctors and droves i didn't know about this yeah well there's a great documentary that we've talked about many times called the oxycontin express and they sort of uh documented that whole route from ohio and kentucky and all the way down through georgia all the people that would go into florida just to get pain pills all you had to do is just get into florida and you'd get a doctor and say you hurt your back and they would have a pharmacy right next to the doctor's office and all the pharmacy had is pain pills so you go there you tell the doctor you're hurt the doctor says great here here's some serious hardcore drugs that can kill you don't take more of these you'll die they're super powerful opiates but since i wrote the wrote it on this piece of paper you can go buy it so you go next door and you're buying you're buying the hardest of hardcore you're buying hillbilly heroin you're buying oxycontin you're going deep now i've never done that i did morphine when i got my knee operated on they gave me that little pump thing and you could press it and press it and press it and you want to get more morphine i don't i have no idea what oxycontin feels like but that morphine felt wonderful it feels like cotton did not feel good what does it feel like i ate it one time and that was good enough for me some people must like it all right everybody likes different you know i like blow but i don't like meth what did oxy do for you like why is it not good i took a little tiny piece like i'm always a fan of something that might put me to sleep i don't feel like this could put you to sleep you know what i'll give it a shot i like sleeping you try to go to sleep on oxycontin yeah i didn't know i go what he goes you you might pass up so he gave me a 16th it was there was nothing there right there was nothing there i popped it and i just felt like my blood pressure dropped like i couldn't even do anything so i went to sleep and i just knew never to take that again there's certain i've taken that i just knew that i was never gonna that just wasn't gonna work for me damn you know heroin has that effect too for a little while like it takes you somewhere and if you don't put the brakes on and then you're gone on that thing i don't even know how to describe it but i don't like that feeling you know the cocaine feeling you like in the beginning then where it goes you don't like it and then it gets worse and worse and worse but by that time you're addicted to it you know what i'm saying matt i never understood that i wanted to be up for four days that that just seems and you will be up for two days thinking you're tired like let me go lay down and i'll say like i can't sleep i'm sweating awesome i got a dose of sweat so pills i've always had that i i like a little sleeping pill or something but i can't because of this uh sleep yeah they're too dangerous right i could take the anxiety medication that'll help me sometimes i'll pop a few of those what if i get stuck they're like acid pan but they're like 1.5 dogs don't do nothing to nobody 0.5 lets you go to sleep weed at night don't do dick you ever see me at night smoking weed not really because the initial effect was in the daytime that's what you like i like that morning high why do you like that oh because that's the one that gets the whole that's the one that lets me email text tweet ding ding da da da da da all by nine o'clock um all by nine o'clock get it out of the way yeah so if i'm up at quarter six put the coffee on open up the computer feed the cats i don't pablo it see there's people who pablo it that's no bueno escobar yeah what's that pablo it open your eyes in bed roll over and take a joint and smoke it that's no bueno you gotta let your body wake up that's no bueno that's the quickest way what's that thing yeah let me take a hit of that you know i love that little blunt that geno from speedweed you're some of the best jamie picked this one up this is a different one this is a gino the uh what's it tell you what hollywood blunts or something i don't know hollywood hollywood's dedicated blunt you're waking up and pulling the pablo people everyone should be yeah it's medicine man okay but if you wake up and give your body some chance to like i remember smoking cigarettes in the morning you don't know what what damage is to your body until you wake up in the morning take six steps sit down and pull a cigarette out and light it there is no worse damage a human being can do that body forget heroin forget eating a few avocados forget eating a burger king whopper [Music] get up at six in the morning give yourself three minutes and light a cigarette your body does not recover from that and you don't know how bad it is to you stop doing it that's damage so i look at it the same day away with reef i let my body wake up a little bit let it air drink water let the bodies heat drink a glass of water with ice let my body's heat wake up get the stomach going drink a little coffee and then bang out some reefer ooh lordy it's a different day and you like to work out in the morning too right i'm 55. i can't come to your house eight o'clock at night but i can't i'm not gonna roll with you at six in the morning either most heart attacks happen before one time do they yeah how come i don't know i didn't write the book check it out most heart attacks happen before 12 o'clock so you don't want to be yeah i know you don't want joey diaz on in your side control at six in the morning either i'm good at nine to kick box 10 the kick box 11 12 the jiu jitsu eyes yeah you got to wake everything up that's the whole deal heart attacks are more common in the morning says fox news five to six times more likely to occur in the morning hours between 1 and 5 a.m and studies have shown that morning heart attacks tend to be more severe than those that happen later in the day too long or too short of an interval can result in abnormal heart rhythms called arrhythmias as a matter of fact i had to stop getting mama stabbing in the mornings you were worried about heart attacks yeah cause that was my more i love morning eating in the morning just wake him up whoa what is all this when you kick mama with that leg in the morning you know what i'm saying you ever give your little wife a tap in the morning she pops her head up and then they they already know they get up they pee they dry the monkey good they come back naked you eat that monkey and then you start giving them a stab him like a soldier and that stabbing dog i would have to get up and start breathing heavy and then i thought about that that gangster that was going to testify that time in court and he bent over to pattaya's shoes and they had a heart attack and the guy ended up doing a in jail and we got to talk about that too in a second but we will cover the heart attack i take a baby aspen before i go i drink something from gnc to get me going a little bit in the mornings i still take my honey protein powder i live by but i do take a supplement before i go to the gym and i do drink something while i'm at the gym to calm me down a little bit what do you drink something from gnc i like gnc i don't know names hmm you don't know names i don't know names i just know performance levels i always pop a shroom tech again i don't pop two shroom texts i pop one and i started with a half a capsule because i was finding my heart was beating too much you gotta watch the ticker yeah you gotta watch the ticker that's interesting you know listen god gives you a certain amount of ticks to your heart i did coke that that that up the whole clock that that that up the speedometer you got sand in your dial yeah i got sand in the dials like i up the speedometer so now i gotta strengthen it a little bit and that's what strengthens it but there's a lot of you could do without thinking like a marathon or something yeah i watch my fingers no numbness i go i get a finger up my ass as much as i could from the doctor i use i overuse insurance dollars like i'm going friday for a blood test why joey because i'm in the mud you got to switch out the blood every couple months you know what i'm saying you got to switch it out like keith richards he's still alive because he switched it out look at women don't die a heart attacks why because they bleed every month what do you only i was like don't take the what's the matter with you today you're like a what i'm just you just with you buddy okay relax you don't want to be no i'm enjoying your conversation i don't know you're just smoking so much weed you're getting paranoid no i love it you've taken five hits off that thing you just been just sucking it down and getting deeper and deeper into the hole you're like what's the matter it's not nothing's the matter at all it's the fourth it's i'm like suck is this great to see you look beautiful too what's going on with you normal you know just doing workouts last night no i'm coming tonight you're going down there tonight yeah i got a spot tonight i don't know if i'm going down i've been taking a few days off after the netflix yeah nice i wanted to fall in love again with it i wanted to uh it's good to take time off things it's really weird how you live and you learn and you still fall for dumb you know the only person i should listen to when it comes to comedy is you and i don't see you enough and i don't talk to you enough about it i got to get on more planes with you because when i tried i watched the john mulaney special and i fell in love with his joke writing and stuff he's a very funny guy really nice guy too really nice guy great special you know but every once in a while i'm sorry i'm saying this word i always think i get the white moment and i'm not a white comic the reason why you like me and the people like me is because you don't know what's going to come out of my mouth when i become a writer that's when i'm not a comedian no more when i go home and start writing stupid jokes and you laugh at him i'm not joey diaz no more that's not what joey diaz is supposed to do you know what i'm saying no that's not what i'm supposed to do yeah but this that's happening now scares the out of me so now i got to go up there you paid 25 bucks to see me i got to go up and leave my soul up there i take that seriously now but i'm starting to take it a little bit too seriously the you see now in what way the the people coming to the shows people coming to the shows to see you and they want to do you to see you do well so i go up there with this planned material that i work on hard that i believe in that's because i'm a lot friendlier when i go up there and i just yell and scream and go off the cuff and go crazy and my eyeballs turn red but no i want to be john the mullaney because he makes me laugh and he's what in your mind the true comic is yeah everybody's got their own way of doing it no and that's what i realized i'm going back to being a lunatic i'm going back to midnight spots next week i'm going back to midnight spots i'm going back to cali cali cali going back to cali yo i'm going back to those paul mooney spots i know they're late but they're the only ones that keep you if you're gonna play it if you listen for me to be in uniform is the only way i could do it that 1015 following you that ain't fun no more we got to be back there late like we used to and go on four hours of sleep for two or three weeks then you got to walk me over and buy me a pink dot sandwich like in the old days why don't you like the 10 15 spots let's put because they put me in that position i'm sick of being in that john mulaney position i'm not john mulaney tonight but like you're there to see me because something's going to come out of my mouth that's going to be funny there's nothing funny coming out of my mouth listen i love you but you're that's this is crazy talk you what you do is your way of doing it it's great at ten it's great at eight you could do it three in the afternoon show it would be amazing they stare at me at the store sometimes they stare at me in the original room i'm going back to midnight no they don't i'm taking the kennison spots again three nights a week because i can handle it that means i get home at one i'll stay up to 132. you gonna do the late spots yeah you know why man the reason why i do this early is because i'm trying to be normal i read that book your podcast like i said okay now i like this hold on a second so you're gonna close out the store and do like an hour-long set no no 15 12 to 12 15. oh so you're not gonna do like the don situation no no no no no no no no no no no listen joey does the least for the most up all right i'm just you saying but you can if you're closing out the show right you could go along i don't want to close out the show one of the more i don't want to be out i'm scared of going out at night so it's not i thought you were saying you want to do the kinnison spot that's the case midnight right the midnight spot when he would do that oh i thought he was always the last guy i didn't i thought was the i mean that's what they always say about brody when he does the kennison spot and i don't know i thought it was the midnight spot let's call it the paul mooney spot okay well just you want to do a late night spot yeah yeah i think that i would do a lot better i don't have to go to more degenerates will be out for sure yeah yeah it's ready for me to it's time for me to be i'm a degenerate i should say that fellow degeneres yeah i'm a jedi in the morning nobody's saying one did i say one i said 12. okay one in the morning 12. 12 o'clock you know you're getting up at one though let's be realistic no 12 10. yeah you might have to start professionals at the store they're pretty professional they're professionals there's no more people coming in and bumping you well that still happens a little bit but not too much it's not too much they don't they don't no one jumps on and does an hour and a half like the old days i miss i miss that 12 o'clock thought of mind the thought process at 12 for me in the old days was i swear to god joe they've already heard everything yeah if they if i think they really want to hear these dumb three jokes in my pocket i got another thing coming and it taught me how to write really good what do you what has changed recently like the one of the things a lot of people have been saying with uh especially the metoo movement is that people are more cautious about saying controversial jokes now do you feel that you feel like energy in the air being different do you feel like people are more sensitive i know you won't get mad at me i feel the energy is different but guess what g what it don't apply to me it don't apply to me doesn't apply to me and it's never gonna apply to me okay i understand me shooting you special on your network you don't want me to use certain words there's parts and i and i get that this is a business right this is a business and i got miles to feed but when i'm at the comedy store when i'm at the improv when i'm at the laugh factory when i'm in flappers when i'm at the haha when i'm at the new york gotham you got to let it fly i'm going to let it fly you got to let it fly okay and i'm sorry no no just so you know no sorry you know this is just so you know you know what i put on yesterday what did you put on guess what i put on the studio yesterday and this is it this is it because it's time we're not taking it no more i'm not taking it no more i put on an album and again i'm very sorry if i offend somebody i didn't name it this he did so take your problem up with him name of the album is bicentennial by james uh richard richard pryor i put it on i listened to it twice and i did an edible and cried i got the i've got the the periscope listening to richard okay i got it yeah okay and i've listened to lenny bruce live from carnegie hall in the last couple weeks i don't know when the last time you listen tonight because we can't because of our uh we guys like you and i can't definitely not jamie and definitely be under 30 you can't because of the uh culture this is how slow cultural reference is how slow it is but it's a lesson i listened to that and i'm going home guess what i'm listening to tonight what i'm staying in tonight to listen to the one when he meets the wino meets dracula oh i think is it something i said or the nigga's crazy both of those albums are masterpieces and that's how he wanted us to do it yeah that was how we have to do it yeah he didn't give a what the was said no if a company wants to pay you hbo or cbs and i joey can we talk to you in the corner we can't have that joke because we got a complaint about that i'm an adult i can't sell you know listen uh bill hicks is dead i don't feel too good myself okay all right let's cut the okay we do this for profit at the end of the day we're feeding our families all right so but there's also a way you do it and there's always no way i compromise the way you do it for more profit you know when i watch the richard pryor thing and i know he went through a hollywood ball and they were doing the thing for gays and he went up there and went against the gays i got it is it something i would do i don't know i don't know but it's who was supposed to be in a way as a comedian what's supposed to be the social column of society in a way in some way so now you want to take that away from me you want to take the way i can't say i grew up on the word i grew up on the word i grew up on the word i grew up on a lot of words that people don't accept today and i'm very sorry that you don't accept them but it's too late for me to change my game right now yeah i'll try my hardest i try my hardest i'm still gonna say from time to time i know it offends but when you're a comic listen man the first seven minutes of any news is about what's going on in the world and the next 10 minutes is bad i never talk about politics well to top it off i'm a felon so i need to talk about politics there's just things i'm not going to talk about kicking an abortion child remember for a long time every comic was you know all kicking aboard and feeding him that's not my style i'm up there to talk about what are you talking about you know yeah yeah you go to comedy shows and there's always that one that wants to be shocking i'm not here to be shocked i'm here to tell you how i see it you want to hear how i see it this is how i see it if i offend you i offend you before in the beginning of the show i said something very offensive in today's terms but in my reality it was real you want firecrackers you're buying from a chinese dude down in china why is that racist because that's racist how is it racist it's factual chinese people out of fireworks right there's weird there's weird ones that we all let fly like black dudes with big dicks no one's complaining about that right you ever hear that you assume black dude has a big deck does anybody complains probably they're looking to now that might be like maybe i'm the first one to get called out on it that's racist to think that black dudes have big dicks is it if it's positive is it pot is like a positive attribute racist like if you said asian people are better at math people would say that's racist how is it racist if they're really good at something like if they have more talent or skill or more accomplishments how's that racist like that's isn't that racial if it's good right like jews accept it if you tell ari that more european jews won nobel science prizes he's like of course we're smarter is it is it racist to talk about how many jews are so smart like why is that why are they so goddamn smart you think about how many german and and european jews were like serious geniuses it's it's a crazy trend like what happened over there callum was trying to explain it to me once about their values their education and experiences and what led to just google the numbers of european jews that have won nobel science prizes it's kind of like it's eye-opening you know how many guineas from new jersey zero zero guineas from new jersey went in science right none of my relatives went in science projects looking this up a couple weeks ago it was hard to look at oh is it yeah what did european jews that have won the nobel science prize try that i don't know i don't even know what this number is i'm talking on my ass i know that it's i've definitely heard it discussed that there was a giant number what are you doing over there joey dennis make sure my wife doesn't text me and let me know what party i need to be at oh fourth of july baby this is our our country's birthday is a time that we should cherish i think uh we should play the national anthem maybe later we got time okay well we got to play the national anthem real quick i had on this morning about my house i loved it i love it so how was your experience doing your netflix special everything was great netflix i take my hats off to them everything was great it was my up it was my up i let it uh get into my head too much i listened to too many people and i forgot the number one thing just be funny that's it be yourself it doesn't matter how many shows did you film two first one i think was a disaster the second one i redeemed myself a little bit we'll put something together and we'll save something so now i'm working really hard like now now i'm going back to my old roots how i want to do my stand up again it's hard when you even only have two shows even only two shows is tough more yeah no more no more i listen this has nothing to do with me i'm a stand-up comic that's what i signed up for hmm what do i got left i'm 55 well i got left to doing stand up another 10 years maybe i got to stop now you're going to shut me down now no this is where we get started that's where we get started we got to we got daughters when do you think about do you think about ever stopping doing stand up because i do occasionally i think about it and then i take a flight back with dice from new york and i look at dice before i approach him i sit there and i look at him from 10 feet away for 10 minutes and i think to myself is this what i want to be doing at that age and i think about what what would we be doing what would we be doing you really want to be around your wife and your daughters every weekend for every week you're already used to leaving one weekend at least a month you're already used to it there's going to be a casino somebody's gonna pay you once a month to leave the house for two days but if you would you be happy with your act if you're only going out once a month like if you weren't going up and practicing going out once a month could be awful but don't understand this i'm saying you're still hosting the pizza place on wednesday nights what and you're still let's pretend you moved to columbus ohio okay okay move to columbus ohio and you work the funny bone once a year right and you do your little pizza open mic somewhere down the corner a couple nights a week they look he was the older guy they all came up looking the comedy watching you you know they listen to you you know when i started economy i started the guy's name was george mckelvey and george mckelvey was a really special guy joe joe because he had been on the tonight show with with uh whatever as a comic as a stand-up and that's the epitome for one of us whether he became uh richard pryor or not he was on what's his name come on help me i have no idea tonight's show johnny carson johnny carson he did stand up and johnny put him on the couch you know took the real i mean george mckelvey was the real deal when george was 70. i'll never forget he called me one night he's like hey what are you doing a kid like i'm sitting he goes drive to colorado springs and get on stage open up me i go i can't get on that stage because the famous manager that was at that that club at the time mm-hmm wouldn't let you get on stage unless you took that comedy class for 35 bucks oh that was a scam uh i'll wave it so he threw me on stage and this old guy liked me that old guy had no career basically he did the local places he owned two clubs and he worked a couple clubs that hired him still he died on the road or whatever my point being that he helped me a lot as an old guy like i looked at him and at first my first opinion of him was look at this old loser no he wasn't an old loser he hadn't been doing it for 30 years he committed to this and no matter what his turnout was or whatever he was still a comic he died a comic i talked to him like maybe two years until he died and i lost contact with him well george carlin died on the road yeah you know one of the greatest of all time i don't want to die on the road and i i know you don't want to die on the road no but i can't for years i thought i wouldn't be doing this at 50. guess what i'm 55. and i'm still you're not just doing it this is what's important you're still letting it swing you're still having fun and doing a lot of crazy that gets you in a lot of trouble today this is what i brought up with we were talking about the you know air quotes me too era people are going after people today for good or for bad and to to still have a wild controversial act in this politically what do you want hold on one second what are we going after me two people for for me taking in the back grabbing your titties grabbing your or you sucking my dick for a movie role or for something like that all those things really don't exist in my life right i have a wife and i have a child they don't exist if you want to come at me for sucking my dick at night in 2002 we were both both doing blow go ahead be my guest be my guest but i want to see footage i can't be i'm see i'm sorry and take it and just you know i'm saying yeah there's a lot of people out there they're going to get me too look at this other guy for years he was known as a heroin addict never got exclusive of sexual misconduct and some chick said she molested it when he was 11 years old and now he's like you need that you need that and the chicks are on drugs she's doing the press conference while she's on drugs what's his name brother the one the guy that was in heat that de niro put him in the rehab himself and then he married heidi flights for a while who was with heidi fleischmann um tom yeah that guy's been a junkie for 2000 years all of a sudden why can't i remember his last name size more seismic all of a sudden some girl comes up when she's 26 twitching yeah he molested me on the movie set when i was 11. that's great and dandy dog but you can't ruin somebody's life now but do what do you think is happening this is my question like why are why are people accepting these these situations like the chris hardwick situation or why is everybody instantly thinking that the guy's guilty no one giving him a chicken benefit of doubt no court no justice court there's no nothing and in some some cases like the worst case was garrison keillor garrison keeler is the host of the lake wobegon chronicles like this radio show on pbs i think it is is that what it is he apparently hugged a woman and his hand went down her back this is this is the the depiction and he apologized to her and he sent her an email she said don't worry about it it's no big deal it was nothing and then they continued i believe to correspond and we're friends again and then this all the stuff started happening with al franken and then he had this complaint brought up by this woman she reintroduced it and said that a long time ago he put his hand on my back and they canceled his show they took his name off of it and they did it like really quickly and it's one of those things where you just go okay really like the guy in one moment in time touches someone's back i don't know if it was creepy or not let's assume it was a terrible error and it was creepy i don't think it was i don't know i'm not saying i know but that's it just touching someone's back and you that is a hysterical reaction that is hysteria it's almost the definition of hysteria you're not talking about an evil person talking about a person who touched someone's back like we got to be real careful with what you destroy a person's whole life with so on the one side you have the worst case scenario which is like a bill cosby who's drugging people and raping people it's the worst case scenario for these powerful elite type people that are getting these women into their web and particularly he's another one which they were all in on it and everybody knew about it for years they knew about it was written into his contract it was sexual harassment clauses were in his contract right wasn't that it was known for years to make sure we're correct bothers me about harvey let me tell you what bothers me about harvey what we gotta indict everybody there's a lot of people that have to be indicted and this is one of those that's my feeling my feeling right now that this would be this should be a rico act this is a rico act agents managers oprah any because everybody knew everybody but here's the question how much do they know listen everybody knew in 2005 right everybody knew joe diaz was a coke fan that's a different thing though man it's the same let's pretend the same thing okay but let's cook joe diaz is a coke fiend it's 2007. joe diaz comes to a party at your house there's two cell phones missing okay let me let me say this though do you think that it's possible that his behavior was shielded from some of the people that he interacted with like hillary clinton or oprah or bill clinton or who whoever it was that they some high-profile people that he interacted with is it possible they didn't know is it possible they just thought he was a hound no or do you think they all know they knew he was a hound and they heard a little chitter chatter but it's okay it's it's okay they would just let him that's number one that's crazy number two jamie you ready for this oh jesus okay i see joe uh whatever not now but 25 years ago i see joe when the first thing i had to go is joe before you leave don't forget i gotta tell you what was that story gonna be about about benson henderson's choke about a joke that somebody said at the store no about a place i went to and some chick took me in the back and sucked my dick under the car and then she stuck a finger in my ass and that's what we talked about so if that's what we talked about you're gonna look me in the face like a man that you are and the men that you've been around and told me harvey weinstein never turned to brad or his other bodies and the setups remind me to tell you a story about that dirty album for sure okay then for sure but that was that's that's been admitted i think they've had conversations oh my god if you don't think that the wig ben affleck and the other guy and i'm not offending nobody i'm just talking about boys we're boys right you and i have boys what you won't say to jamie you'll say to me because you want you watch blind date no i'm never watching it's a movie blind date this movie firecrackers are going off there's a movie named blind date with bruce willis oh i remember that movie and kim bassinger hilarious kim bassinger steals the show when she walks in the japanese ladies she's like you know you're entitled to 50 of your husband's assets in california and the chinese woman kept saying me no speak english me don't you're speak english 50 percent and she opens at the door 50 50 that movie is a great movie but this is seen in the opening of that movie both of those actors are around where the guy comes up to him he goes you're not going to believe what happened last night and bruce willis goes here we go one of these sex stories again and he goes so i'm at spagos i have for dinner i walk out and some lady pulls up with a limo and i say i've never been a limo and she goes we'll get in and we're riding down sunset hard times in the summer and next thing you know she's sucking my dick she's got leotards on i'm eating her ass and he's telling the story and bruce willis listens and he goes no no why does this always happen to you this is some other he goes and he goes in his pocket he starts whipping out polaroids i've always known one of those guys in my life of course we've all known one guy in my life but there's a difference between that guy and what harvey wants i don't believe stuff yeah i know that but i also believe that harvey weinstein was telling people he probably was because listen forever what are you telling him was he telling him that he was holding people down what are they usually telling him was he telling he was raping people she was a piece of ass no not at all do you think that he did well she's a piece of ass she's a piece of ass she's got to see her suck a dick right she'll do anything she's an animal that's what we do as men with braggadocio so do you think that there was like a community of that where actors and actresses i think he had four or five guys that knew what he was doing i want you to remember being 27 and having four year boys that would come back every monday with a different story to karate school yeah i ate harass i her on fire whatever the it is that you do he told somebody somebody knew about all these stories some agents knew somebody because for for the hundred of them that said no and whatever they had to be 25 he was playing the percentages joe well in fact a lot of people said yes they blamed that one girl they had that one girl that did rounders they accused her yeah i heard that that played matt damon's girlfriend she was she went from being an extra and uh donnie brasco to being a guest star opposite yeah if you watch donnie brasco she's what's his name sonny black's girlfriend you know how many lines she has in that movie zero zero smart move and then a year later she's uh a guest yeah opposite so yeah there's a bunch of them that said yes do you but do you fault the girl for doing that like if a girl decides to talk harvey weinstein on her own free will john we come here with a dream and there's two ways to enhance that dream there's either i always knew that i wasn't good looking i always knew i was fat and i always knew i was r rated and hard to listen to but i always knew that i was funny so i always worked on being funny i didn't think somebody was gonna let me suck that dick or eat that to be a star so that was all never in my mind but think about people who how many people have you met that would sell their soul in this town how many people have come and gone in front of you the reason why our friendship is still intact is because you know i'm a hard worker you know harry's a hard worker you respect hard work how many times have you pulled me aside and said look at this clown and you're not trying to be judgmental you just know that he's pulling the wool over somebody's eyes we know who's talking to talking we know who's walking the walk we see it on stage we hear about it we don't need twitter or facebook we hear about it we get to that club the club owner will tell you joey was here two weeks ago he was falling asleep on stage you know you're his right so it's the same thing do you agree yeah no i think so i think um i think what's one of the things that stand-up's good for is that it's it's an exercise you're doing while you're living your life and uh the better your standup gets it's usually a better indication that you're thinking better like your your life's more in order you're more tuned in you know you're doing stuff that's hitting harder because you've got better points you know how to edit it better and usually that that you can use that i think it's like remember see remember that movie mo betta blues denzel washington i love that movie one of things i loved about that movie i got inspired to work on my act after that movie i was like think about how much musicians practice he was just oh he's practicing and these girls these hot girls would want to and you're like no no right now i gotta practice i gotta practice i was like damn the discipline crazy discipline that that man has to play that trumpet and practice it over and over again and it made me really think like as a comic we don't work like that we don't have to rehearse all day you know we don't really rehearse at all but musicians like a really good musician i mean they're always working they're always trying and training and working on their craft and we do it on stage in front of people probably more than a lot of musicians do unless they're you know constantly regularly touring but it's we don't we don't have that kind of a work ethic attached to what we do like if you want to play a phenomenal trumpet those guys their breath control and the way they can blow those horns man they practice all the time they put in hours and hours working on that and i was thinking about it like that's a different kind of craft it's a different kind of craft the the ability to play a musician musical instrument the thing about stand up that becomes a problem sometimes is that it's kind of you can kind of pull it off like you could do it really well or you can kind of pull it off and to kind of pull it off you don't need a whole lot of effort you just need a few good subjects and a few good ways of expressing it but to get that where you can kind of pull it off and turn it into a bit that just smashes a bit that you put in you can't wait to get to that punch line because you know it's going to be a nuclear bomb that's where the real work comes in and i think for a lot of us it's the difference between how much energy you put towards anything whether it's your stand stand-up comedy or painting or whatever the you do how much energy you put towards your writing how much energy you put towards thinking about it the more you can do the better it's going to be and that's a fundamental thing that nobody ever tells you people tell you you should write but it's not just that you should write you should also listen to your you should also perform but the whole key to it all is just applying different kinds of focus towards your act and if you look at like a movie like mo better blues like he's doing that he's playing that trumpet and you realize like this guy is like lost in the act of practicing this beautiful musical instrument and this is his craft and he takes pride in being excellent at his craft he could just hang around all day and still probably blow an awesome tune at night but no he practices and i remember thinking about that going damn that's probably something that's missing from the lives of most stand-ups and i should probably try to think about that more with my own life i love i love the writing and i love the performing i hate the listening yeah that's a hard part this is very rough for me and i listened i forced myself even before the special i forced myself to listen a lot and it made me too over critical you know it got me too over critical a week before i taped i also went to places that i didn't put my name on the gazebo just to see how my jokes would do in front of regular people and that with my head a little bit i made a lot of couple little mistakes in training camp but that's what training camps are for to learn you know yes no i agree listen i've been doing this for 27 years i love doing it i get better every year my breathing i get something better going up on stage or confidence levels and uh talk it's 27 years you're gonna be doing a 30 this year next month is going to be years did you ever see yourself doing this for 30 years i still remember walking into the main room and mitchie was in her booth and paul was on stage slicing that room apart and she called me over and she goes that's what happens when you've been doing comedy for 20 years at that time i was like damn i've been doing comedy for 11. i still got another nine and now i'm at 27. crazy and it's like you watch people like john jack right who will you up effortlessly like mm-hmm without even breathing heavy john jacob yeah you'll be in you'll get that hillary you think you got him in the guillotine yeah next thing you know you're on your back looking up with your arm in the and that's what kind of we're doing right now i feel myself when i see a guy with a coral belt on i'm like that's the level now that we're at i can control a lot of joe one of your secrets was following me was putting yourself in bad positions yeah which in jiu jitsu is like getting the biggest guy in the room and going hey are you busy right now dude i tell people that i was taking you on the road with me they'd be like what the getting wrong get on top of me and just choke me you taking me on the road is like somebody going hey come here for a second what do you weigh 300 i weigh 140. get on top of me in a mouth and put one hand in and we'll start there yeah let's start right there let's start right there but all only if you think about it that way see this is what's what was important about it and there's one one of the things that's important about traveling with all really funny people it only becomes a negative when you think at it as a negative when someone's funny you should be laughing and enjoying it and it makes your time more enjoyable when you go on stage yes it does i needed to learn that and the way i learned that one of the ways was going on the road with you i knew that you were going to crush and so i knew that everybody else would like to take you know we were both relatively young in our comedy careers back then right so it was like we're talking about i've been doing comedy maybe nine years or eight years but you were a lot wiser about the game like you introduced me to that i had never even like i read a few books and watched a few tapes but you had the practical knowledge that i needed like you were the vote tech school well what i did is i i thought about the same way i thought about martial arts that's one of the reasons why i wanted to go on the road with you all the time i was like you don't get better at sparring people that suck you get better when you spar with wizards you've got to be real careful when you're sparring with wizards and so it's like what i would need to do is have someone who goes on stage in front of me and just crushes and we had some i had some tough sets going on after you remember one time in rascals rascals and uh west orange right it was in west orange or east orange west west orange new jersey great club but you went up and you got into it with some people in the audience about something and you were just on fire just on fire you crushed and i had a real hard time going on after you and i remember thinking oh okay this is a very important lesson like this is important like there's something that i'm not doing right that he is doing right like what am i uh how come i'm not oh i'm nervous i'm nervous going on after him so i'm not having fun up there so he's having fun and i'm being tense going oh jesus better not suck so i'm putting in my head this better not suck it's the total wrong way to approach if you approached a fight like that man you're going to get smashed most likely you want to approach a fight thinking about the things you're going to do not the things that you want to like worry about what's going to happen if you get hit you don't think like that you just think about doing your thing and then adjusting along the way and i had the wrong mindset and i needed to see someone kill a bunch of times in front of me and then bomb go after them to realize okay something's wrong here the wrong thing is i'm going on stage tense because someone was funny that's ridiculous like i should be the opposite i should be happy that someone was funny because i love comedy and this is what i like to do i mean i like to watch it if i'm not doing it so why am i so tense it's just a bad way of approaching a problem and i think this is one of the things that people up in life you approach a problem the same way every time and you never stop and just completely look at the whole thing from the top down just look at the whole thing go what what am i trying to do here i'm trying to get tighter and funnier and better what do i got to do i got to do a lot of sets i got to write and i got to work with murderers that was the key it's like working with guys like you and all of us working together and also people knew if they came to see us like hey this isn't just going to be joe goes up and he's the hero of the show no you're going to get ari who's going to go on in murder you're going to go on in murder and then i'm going to go up i mean it's a rock'em sock'em robots show we had we went on the road dude we did college i mean um clubs rather across the country we did i mean who knows how many cities you and i and ari toured on crazy numbers just over and over again bonding together hundreds of shows together figuring out how to get everything perfect figure out the right amount of weed to smoke before you go on stage the right amount of getting joey diaz riled up you would come in yelling about something or here oh i want you to see something i'd go into the bathroom there'd be a that looks like a crocodile trying to crawl out of the toilet bowl all that stuff that that's some rock and roll comedy man you know it helped both of us it helped both of us a lot and it also like set a tone that i think for a lot of us like you should be with funny people should all everybody should try hard should not like think that anybody doing good is bad for you it's great it's great for you it's great for everybody that everybody's like doing good together is better for everybody when i go on the road now i go under the road under those joe rogan principles like that's my whole road thing the only thing i added to the only geekundo i added to it is my travel i'm in and out fast i don't around i can't rent the car i don't want to see nobody i'm in and out yeah let's go right over there you know there's no radio necessary i play just like you now we don't know yeah they'll try yeah because they have relationships with local radio stations they're like you know kcwi wants to get you in there i go in because you want to talk to the people yeah on the way up the same people push your way down there's a lot of people that were there for me when i wasn't so i just do that station the problem is that waking up in the morning yeah yeah when you get probably just killing it and you gotta get in there a day earlier because if you wanna do friday morning you gotta get in there thursday now you can't just show up friday three o'clock in the afternoon i can't do it i fly out thursday at six am that's the best you got out of me right because i got the family and i got yeah we got a lot of it's not like it used to be men so but the thing that i love about like this time is that even though people are super sensitive like we were talking about people are like real sensitive about like getting in trouble for stuff there's still rock'em sock talking robots comedy going on it's still wild out there like dudes are still doing crazy jokes it's it's fun people are taking real chances they're doing real stand-up you know and it's there's a lot of them there's bill burr there's you i mean you can go down the list ari are you doing some real stand up you know there's a bunch of real killers now santino he's doing some dangerous stand up you know i'm right now i'm writing from my that's it like the reason the point of that story i told you of being on top of that hill at 17 and being homeless is because i had a lot of chances to ice myself joe and a lot of chances to ice myself think of getting out of prison and thinking of getting out on bail when i got out on bail i had a lot of doubts my friend then getting out of bail and knowing you're gonna look at 48 years and you're a loser as it is think of all those opportunities i used to break into a friend's house to sleep in this house at night i slept in a rocket ship for a month outside of the park you go to a park and see those rocket ships and your kids play on them i still remember going up to the third floor of the rocket ship finishing off my coke and jerking off on the third floor at five in the morning outside in a park with leaves around me and there was a lot of times i had that one the visual is amazing you have no idea i would go up to the third floor with a bottle of smirnoff silver vodka a bag a hooded sweatshirt gloves with a missing finger so i could touch the rock and put them in my nose and you know what no no no no that's all funny that's all funny on the way up the stairs and but when you're when you come down and you're in that rocket ship and it's five in the morning and it's 20 two below zero oh and you're you're thinking to yourself god took away my mother god did this this is all god's fault because this the same god that i was raised to believe that was going to help me is doing all this a lot of times i wanted to do a swan dive but i didn't you know it's so weird i was in those positions for a long time joe yeah now i gotta look at you and go jesus christ look at like turn is no no tina turner's son killed himself yesterday it wasn't like son though i thought it was like son with it you know this trend of people icing themselves that scares me that concerns me is this something we're eating is it something that we're getting weak on you know there was no drugs in the ordained system so we can't blame prescription drugs you know he was on one medication some sort of medication um and it was something that was prescribed for him someone told me that it was malaria medication i don't know probably i don't know if they've released that but i'm sure he had to take some of that stuff sometimes but you know you don't know what it was that did him in i mean according to some people he really wasn't doing well you know i don't i don't know i need to i mean it's almost unnecessary to get for me to get the full story i miss the guy he's gone that's it you know i mean i don't need to i think when whenever someone does something like that whatever it is if there's one thing that people could point to and say hey there's a chemical that's responsible for this or there's a a gene problem that's responsible for this or like how could someone who's loved so much want to step out i mean that must be a terrible moment of pain i didn't want to do it i had done you ever been on the computer listening to music on youtube and you're writing right and it just keeps playing songs and you know you don't have no control of it i think i i started with leonard skinner the simple man i kept going on the let's get a trip and i went and i came back and at one point blow up the outside world oh and i'm sitting there and he says that line about going out or something joe broken my lip started shaking like i'm like i don't even know this guy and i miss him i don't know this guy you want me to look you people and tell you i know i met creole i met chris i don't know i don't know i nev i saw him one time at the comedy store six feet away from me chris cornell that's it and i started crying like how could somebody like this go in a room and just ice themselves is this what i'm gonna do because i'm in this entertainment field because what what happens and then i think about all these times one time i broke into my friend's house and i broke in the window and it was freezing so i couldn't even sleep in that room i had to sleep in the hallway and there was a mattress on the wall that had like pistons from all the kids and i pulled it down i slept on it and when i woke up he had a dog and when it was it was too cold he just let the dog downstairs and there was like 20 pieces of little rolled up that had been you know like when the the juice goes out of them they just roll up what's those things that you use as a organ what are those accordions accordions it was like a piece of shrinks like an accordion when the moisture goes out of it it really does so if you take a that's this big right and you put it in a box come back a week later it's like this big how do i know that because i did it to a guy in prison i took a in a welfare box one time you know oh jesus you know the boxes of cheese where the cheese comes in american cheese yes this dude had long hair and would always try to play me like he was with the biker dudes oh in the box for him but he played he where he lived in the key worked in the kitchen he forgot i ran the kitchen and it was all me and black dudes so one day i got one of the welfare cheese boxes and i took like a 22 24 inch it looked like a lizard it just it was just a long like you know thin at the end like one of those things that tapered like a snail that's what it looked like a long brown snail and i fit it perfectly into this cheese box and i took a flag on the american flag like from the cheese and i put it on top and i put it in this drawer and every night and he had the first bunk on the way out so everybody had to walk back and all the black guys would open the door and go god damn it smells like in this and he kept saying i know it does i don't know why it smells like in here and after like a month when they went in this drawer everybody kept saying man it smells like in here he went in this drawer opened it up and he found this box he opened it up and i never forget him knocking on my bunk going i'm gonna find out who did this to me like what they do to you and he goes look at this like what is it and i knew it was but it had shrunken down from the 24 inches to like six little inches it just shrunk down when all the moisture goes out it just shrunk down like a um i don't even know why i'm telling you that story that's a hilarious story that's crazy it's a hilarious story these are fun times joey diaz i think we're the last of the regular humans i think we got our children's generation maybe one more after that and i really do believe it's over i think we're going to integrate with computers i think we're real close to it now can't even go whole podcast without looking on our phone oh what's the time is it you know it's weird we're going to integrate with computers we're going to all be living in some weird world we got this virtual reality thing here now the htc vibe you should try this thing out freaky the out you think you're in another place there's zombie games and games where you're you're on top of a castle defending the castle shooting arrows down at monsters that are coming at you we're we're entering into a weird world right now joey diaz computers that's not that we've got too much information it's a part of these things too much listen on this thing i do not have social media good for you you do know that i only have twitter on here oh that's social media i don't have facebook i don't have nothing else but that is social media yeah my bit my hotmail hotmail oh nobody even people when i tell people how male they go what the are you talking about so you limit your int your interaction that's good that's smart limit my interaction on the road the ipad no social media i'm convinced netflix and a writing app on my ipod that's it what do you use for writing app uh whatever app came with it writing whatever and it has sections so i have jokes books i have chapters this that thoughts things i'm working on is it notes is that what you write on i don't know what it's called like it looks like yellow paper no no no no no no notes i have on the phone right and i write on here from time to time but nothing too far but you write on something that's on a ipad yeah so what i do is i'll write on a notebook in the mornings and then once i take the baby to whatever i'll go to the coffee shop and transfer it if i really like it to the ipad and i'll work on it from there and then i look at the whole thing as a whole now instead of in a notebook and i don't know my spelling and i can't remember what that word was the social media part is the big part of all this that i'm talking about is that we're just getting closer and closer to each other in some weird ways this is going to be nothing compared to the next wave whatever the next wave is but they really do figure out a way to integrate either virtual reality or what they're calling augmented reality like you'll wear a pair of sunglasses and you can have google maps sitting up on it you can google things you can see images give you navigation it's gonna get real weird joey see joe rogan i'm still a fan of life me too and it bothers people and it bothers me when somebody's not a fan of life so i don't want them around me anymore who's not a fan of life a lot of people we forgot really we've forgotten yeah yeah too many cameras yeah too many pictures too many videos listen i was raised in society you don't see too many really tough to me to find pictures of me as a young kid really tough yeah there's not a lot of pictures taken back a society where no when i came from a society would put the camera away right good what's that for uh it's a part with the camera yeah why but put the camera away well we need more of that backstage right we need more of that in life in my way you know we live you know i'm a stern believer i don't like text messages not because i'm a prick or a douche bag i want to hear joe rogan's voice no we've talked about some people i don't want to hear your voice i want to hear your voice because i know what you're thinking if i hear your voice you can't i care about you i care about you too so i want to hear your voice i always tell you people that i love that thing that you do like you don't want to have you're like my one friend the only time i ever text you is if you text me first yeah i'll text you back but i call you we talk on the phone you have to check in you have to have that you you have to be as human these days i don't have nothing on my books you know i don't want to do comedy but guess what i'll do i'll push myself i'll be sore and i'll push myself to go roll because that's human contact and it's it's it's it's the most positive human contact you'll ever have right think about it yeah i mean you roll on the street we're fighting about something but me and you hit knuckles and i grab your ghee and i pull you into my no it's fun and that's his human kind so i know i'm not gonna do this and i'm not gonna do that tonight i'm gonna write a little bit maybe spend some time with the girls maybe i'm gonna take the girls for dinner but i also know that i'm gonna make myself have that human contact of jiu-jitsu oh you're gay joey you're just a closet cause you're rolling with men that's great but i had human contact i had an emotion i shook hands with a guy a guy sweat on me and i sweat on a man yeah which builds a certain type of emotion between two men and then they'll have to be homosexual that's a different type of man it really is it is when you stop what you're doing and go joey joey stop and while you're teaching me something i'm sweating on my fat potato chip sweat is sweating on joe rogan's neck but you're going joey grab my neck ah squeeze ah yeah there you go now do that to me next time you know what that does to your psyche as a man that a man that's beating you is teaching you how to let get up so joe i got you in this guillotine but stick your hand there going you're sweating and you're like i can't i'm tired no no no no just put your hand in there one time just squeeze real tight oh there you go joey joey you're killing me jesus that's a complete different part of a man i think so too i think that that's your boy i think it's good for you the human contact it also it alleviates the tension of like men have tension that they might get into a physical altercation you don't think that way if you do justice it's great you relax walking people are scared of vitamin d this society has scared people of the sunlight you got to get out in the sun a little bit that kills depression there's depression people talk about again you know many times i have to be depressed you know how many times i've had opportunities to call you up and go i'm depressed i get depressed for 10 minutes right then i smoked this roots and expired and i think of something that you said and i laughed my ass off you know on the way up here i was hiding and i used to be this guy that used to with me at a body shop as a detailer used to with me every day couldn't beat him up he's a lot bigger than i would so i had to use my mind so i saw a dead mouse one day and i took it i put in his jacket pocket and he was driving to work one morning and he went in his pocket for a cigarette and he found the mouse and he crashed his car oh joey we're at almost like four hours all right let's get the out of here let's get the out of here i love you thank you very much for having me uh vegas is sold out utah's sold out i'm in kansas city with you i'm at the improv while you're in doing the theater like gentlemen and then i'm in uh nashville and huntsville alabama at the end of the year but besides that i'm home so pleasure seeing you look great i love you brother we'll take your offer up and we'll train and we'll have jamie yeah man we'll just do that we'll come in we'll do a cycle of uh the different um cardiovascular machines and then we'll do a circuit of the cardiovascular machines and do a circuit of like some kettlebell exercises would do can you do chin ups do you do chain ups at all how's your shoulder look terrible terrible okay have you ever done clubs you've done clubs yes aubry sent me clubs i do have a little crane club workout friday i'm going to see my man joe schilling and beautiful a little tune up from uncle joe beautiful beautiful we got a bunch of out here we got medicine balls and yeah i see him i see him you'll have a nice workout okay man we can do that what time do you usually get here i know you drop the girls off and then you shoot right over right a lot of times i come here early and work out but sometimes i can't do it until the afternoon but we'll work something out we'll do some and thank you for the experience of disneyland jesus christ bro it's fun right but just the way you told me to do it like i looked at it my wife's like what are you crazy i go listen the man says there's only one way to do it i invited our brother eddie we had a great time with the kids yeah i heard it was awesome i heard it was awesome thank you brother thank god for some place like disneyland when you have kids when you when you didn't have kids you're like gives a about disneyland but when you have kids it's like oh did i tell you they stopped me at the gate because they found the metabolism yeah you did tell me they you had to go happy fourth of july bye [Applause] [Music]

Channel: PowerfulJRE

Views: 11,366,753

Rating: 4.7558312 out of 5

Keywords: Joe Rogan Experience, podcast, JRE #1140, 1140, The Church Of What's Happening Now, JRE, Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, UFC, mma, comedy, comedian, jokes, stand up, funny

Id: fXvgZF01OTk

Length: 202min 38sec (12158 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 04 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/RomanGodTestocleus]

Joey goin a little bit too deep for Rogan maybe. Has a lot on his mind it seems

[u/KinshasaPR]

Great podcast thus far. I think Lee is on vacation or something cause there hasn't been any podcast this week. Joey's maybe making up for it with this appearance on JRE.

[u/machfredy]

All you real motherfuckers were already stoned for the show seeing the periscope! Tremendous!

[u/Auroverse]

anyone know the book joey was talking about that he heard from joe?

[u/nojayork]

So Uncle JOEY don't think his own Netflix Special came out all that funny?!?