Jay Larson | Me Being Me (Full Stand-Up Special)

[Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome Jay Larson [Applause] thank you gonna have a fun night you guys I married the wrong woman yeah who's the heart coming yeah how'd I know you know I mean you get involved you'll see what happens now not the one not the one been together 11 years married for six two amazing kids and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart she's the wrong chick she's the wrong chick my wife takes pills with no water pretty sure she's killed a couple people well who is taking pills with no water I was having a nightmare when I'm having a nightmare right it's one of those nightmares where you're trying to communicate to the outside world that someone is trying to murder you but you're asleep and you can't control your mouth or your body so I was just like like given penguin hand and trying to tell my mouth to let her know hey someone's cutting my arm off with a butcher knife so I'm finally she kicks me in the thigh and goes what and I wake up and I go I was I was being murdered I was a guy was cutting my arm off with a butcher knife at a sub shop and she goes I'm trying to get some rest and I rolled over and I grabbed a pillow from the floor and I put it between my legs and I was like Liz this [ __ ] that's how I sleep I think men are more sensitive than women we have more feelings we sleep like this my wife sleeps like this like she's ready for death at any moment like yes that's fine I have zero feelings towards anyone in the world she's a very cold woman we were at the park and when you have kids you're looking for cool kids and hopefully they have cool parents and then you become friends with them so we see this cool kid we're like start talking on the mom and at the time my wife's pregnant with our second kid and the woman goes oh how far apart of the kid's gonna be and my wife goes oh 18 months and then one goes all my brother and I were 18 months apart and wife goes oh were you guys close and she goes oh we were my he passed away and my wife goes oh my brother and I were 18 months apart we talk once a week the woman goes oh all right have a good day I grab my wife I go what are you doing just when I go the woman just told you her brother died and you come back with all my brother still roams the earth she was was that insensitive I go yes she was I'll go say something I go get the [ __ ] that would you shut up she's a disaster at the playground we saw a little kid running across this bridge on the playground running across this bridge and I see the mom I go how old's this guy and she was always 17 months my son is like this on it like if I can go across he's 21 months at the time I'm like so I look at the woman I'm like wow this guy is really doing great on the bridge huh and the woman goes up this little [ __ ] gives me a heart attack once a week and I'm like wow it's pretty loose you know I mean call her son a little [ __ ] to people she just met you know I mean I don't know where she grew up but I don't know I mean I say to my friends like dude this little [ __ ] because they're my friends I'm just meeting you you're calling your son a [ __ ] and my wife goes oh he's a girl and I'm like I'm like what's going on and the woman goes what and all of a sudden it clicks I'm like maybe she didn't say little [ __ ] and I go I'm sorry did you say little [ __ ] I think we heard you're a little [ __ ] I think we heard a little [ __ ] and the woman goes no I said this little bridge this little bridge gives me a heart attack once a week and I was like okay all right yeah all right tuck we heard [ __ ] that's just this kids playing that swing is squeaky that's a squeaky swing somebody should you know what I mean it's wow man the things you hear out here you know I mean uh we just have to you know that's what we heard not not what she said clearly funny and then my wife goes because I saw his frilly shorts and I thought maybe he was a girl to which I shoved my wife into a trash barrel I remember my buddy who's not married he's like been with this girl for a long time he goes how did you know she was the one and I what's the one who's you know like the one and I go there's no such thing we were both like in our mid-30s and were like hey should we do this you want to have kids and like I'd love to have kids like let's wrap it up and that was it that's what the one is there's no magical human being that's gonna love you forever there's gonna be someone that you're gonna hate somedays and love other days and you're gonna be like you want to keep doing this and like yeah we're in it now and that's what you do the key is a king-size bed you need a king-size bed you don't have to see him all the time you know I mean they're all over there there are some nights I text her hey do you want to have sex I don't even know if she's in the bed and then she'll check back yes and I'm like okay and then we when we have sex it's very quick and then I just can I go to sleep and I don't see it for two or three days I do love her you guys just like should we call it therapist now we're good mommy all right we have two kids we made a boy beautiful beautiful sweet cute little boy then we had a girl I wanted to boys I got a second girl and I was like now we'll keep her you know they look deeper my wife goes do you even love her I was like I'm just getting to know her I don't know her that well and I trust us so much with those five little teeth walking around like George Jefferson all the time I think she's up to something always in a good mood I don't like people always in a good mood you know I mean she's got a scam going one night I was putting her to bed and when I put her to bed I'd do a little rock like this I'd do a little little boat Rock I zip and then I dip so she's like feels like she's on the boat you know and I get her sleep my arms on that layer and the layer in the crib and then she starts screaming and babies they don't know the difference in screaming you know what I mean like if they're a little tired they're gonna scream as if they just watch their entire family get murdered in front of them it's like come on know your range would you so she starts screaming when I her down I pick her up and I'm like I'll sing her a little lullaby so I do this little old by like hey my beanie boo l.o.v.e why are you beanie boo I can't wait to see what you do do do she's asleep I lay her down she starts screaming again I'm like what the [ __ ] and I pick her up now I'm a little annoyed so the lullaby isn't as sweet it's something like this like hey beanie boo I kind of love you your brother's the best and you will do just something something to soothe her i layered down she starts screaming again and now I pick her up and now she's screaming my arms and I can't get her stop screaming and I'm at the end of my rope and I just looked down and I go [ __ ] up I know I'm not a good person I didn't know I was even capable of this but I saw her and I just gave her one of these and I'll tell you if there's one thing she didn't do it was shut the [ __ ] up you know when it's thundering and lightning out and lightning strikes and you count the seconds till you hear the thunder you'll know how far away the Lightning is it's the same thing when a baby cries when they open their mouth if you count the seconds to when they start screaming you know how pissed they are and my daughter went like this and then shot through the roof I don't know what happened like an exorcism happened and I was like okay it's okay and my wife comes in she's like I'll take her I'll take her and I'm just go back to the living room and I'm pacing around I'm like thinking to myself we were doing great with three of us all sudden this chick shows up just like I'm mad at myself at the same time I'm trying to put on her and my wife comes out the monitor and she's like well I got her down she's down oh my god good good it's good that's good she goes yeah she was really upset there I'm like yeah oh never seen her like that she was what happened in there and I go I shook her she was big you're not supposed to shake the baby I go yeah I know so I'm going through some [ __ ] she's you know you could hurt her I go babe I didn't like shake her I supported her head do you know what I mean I was sending a message more than anything like if I told you to shut the [ __ ] up you like all right I get it this chick know nothing I remember when I was 8 I don't know what I did but my mother was pissed at me and she started chasing me around the house with a metal spatula now my mother was a bigger lady I figured one lap I'll pry shaker I didn't I got one lap she's still chasing me we go for two I'm like this [ __ ] is serious I shoot up stairs jump on my bed pull up my covers she comes in rips down the covers or rip down my pants and starts beating me in the ass with a metal spatula and my whole life I thought I was beat that day and now that I have two kids I think back and I'm like she needed that [Applause] eat your children finally someone said it I think it's like when generals say listen if we got to lose 100 guys to save a hundred thousand that's what we got to do that's what happened that day my mom beat me with the spatula we probably went out to dinner had a great night ground round hey what you weigh you know I mean it was probably a good night I just think it's a different time now like in the 70s and 80s if you're in the grocery store and your kid like was mouthing off you could just spank him right there and another dad would be like you need a bell you need a back room to hold them all nope all right they block off an aisle like that Scott dump please take it easy just give him a second good for broken ice for me that's what it was when our baby was teething my in-laws they would say you know when Katie was a kid we just rub a little Irish mist on her gums that's whiskey and I was like what are you crazy and they're like well that's just what we did I was like you're nuts and then my wife went out of town and the baby was teething and I was like let's give it a whirl I open up the liquor cabinet I'm like what should I want to give her the high-end stuff you know I mean like I don't want the WhistlePig that was a gift see the Captain Morgan I'm like that should probably do it's a good intro you know I mean it's coconutty or whatever I pour it into a glass and I'm like alright how do you give a baby boots he's like dip my finger in it and I just like rub it on her gum I'm like oh let's see how this works and she's just looking at me like me Mya's hit her again I get I get down this side you know and I'm like mine should probably work the top comes a little bit and I mean so I knock those up I give last call last call I pick her up I take her down to her room Don I need the cradle er don't need to shake her lair down she falls asleep and I walk back to the living room like this that's it that's all you gotta do a little booze she's alright the captain got her I was like who's dad of the year the guy giving her a frickin rum I'm so excited I cook a steak at a steak I opened a bottle of red I'm like they have a night cook the steak I sit down the table I got ESPN on I got a bottle of red I start cutting it she starts crying down in a room like you gotta be kidding me I go down there she's thrown up all over the room she can't hold her booth handle the boats just like her mom just like her mom my favorite thing about that joke is tonight's the first time my wife's ever heard it and found out that I gave our baby boos so that's a win-win do you know how old you were the first time you had booze ten yeah probably six months probably six months you just don't know what you're capable of until you have a child you don't mean like I didn't know I would never be able to like yell at a baby and make me a little shake one day in the middle of summertime it was like a hundred and ten the baby hadn't slept in three months cuz she had a sinus infection we were like delirious and my son's complaining cuz he doesn't like what his food is and I've already cooked him three meals and he's sitting his highchair going I want my fire truck I want my fire truck and I'm like at my wit's end the baby's crying and I just come and I go no one gives a [ __ ] about your fire truck and I left it I felt pretty shitty I broke pretty shitty I walked by my wife and she was like like someone had to say it and then I thought to myself I bet no one else in the world has said that today I doubt there's some guy like stuck in traffic cuz the guys washing the fire truck yeah no one gives a [ __ ] about your fire maybe some dad in Japan avoid a fire truck you know that's pretty racist I didn't apologize I didn't I told myself I'd learn it in Japanese I didn't do it I said I would I really thought I would do it I really thought it people think marriage I don't know what they think it is no I think it is the other day I go to the bathroom I come out in the hallway my wife's stand there she goes you wash your hands I go what shoes did you wash your hands I go I peed and she just so you don't want your hands when you pee I go no what is going on here she was what about when you poop and I go yeah I wash my hands when I poop and she was well the other day I heard you're pooping and I didn't hear you wash your hands and I was like wait what the [ __ ] is going on this is a court show I don't know are you suing me I don't know what's going on she goes do you wash your hands and you poop and I go yeah I do and she goes I don't think you do I think you're lying I know you know what sometimes I don't sometimes I don't and she goes that's disgusting I go you know what's even worse sometimes I don't even wipe just to leave her in the dark though I don't know Jai White's deal with it we had the boy then we had the girl I wanted to boys didn't get him so now I'm hoping he's gay then he marries another gay dude boom two sons then if my daughter's yeah killer and then my daughter's straight marries a straight dude I gotta force them for golf well for life if my son is gay me and the two gay sons we're gonna pick on that straight son all the time like do really this is what you were look at this what's this breeder over here come on you kiddin me spam it up bro send it up take your own golf cut get out of here I'll straight get out of here I think given the birds and the bees talk to a gay son is gonna be a lot easier than to a straight son you know I mean cuz a straight son you have to be like listen you gotta wear a condom you don't want to be having a kid wear condom and listen you should really find out there's like if she stimulated clitoral E or a zit vaginal I don't know but you should figure it out I was a horrible lover in high school it was like was that good that's what it was I had no idea what was happening you gotta like give him education I don't wanna have that talk it's disgusting but with a gay son all day I'd be like this and what's going on you and Erica going on tonight that's great I love that kid great kid great kid you guys license off got that Camaro huh I love that Camaro listen tonight and you guys are going out tell him to take PCH going up by the coast the Sun setting mention the Sun set put on a nice song and then while he's driving you reach over and you just talk him right this no not even underneath you go on the outside of the pants and when he looks at you but keep your eye on the road and just boom it's how you keep a man all right all right have a good time we'll see you tomorrow good baseball practice in the morning all right buddy gay dudes haven't figured out you know I mean they get it when's the last time you had sex in an alley yeah exactly cuz you're a straight dude gay guys like hey man you want to [ __ ] behind this dumpster like yeah alright lo all right yeah nice to meet you imagine Sunday football being gay it would be unbelievable catch the first half quick HJ grab a shower I'll whip up some guac we're right back at it for the second half that's just what it is guys like my wife and I watch football shut up as you can tell I'm not really an adult I thought kids would make me an adult I'm like I'm gonna start flossing I'm gonna register my car no nothing this is what I knew I wasn't an adult I was at a party and I was talking politics with this guy and he clearly he knew more about politics like he was a full-blown adult and as I'm sitting there talking to him I'm like throwing a couple things he's thrown a couple things and then after a while I'm like you're in too deep so I start throwing out buzzwords I'm like what we need to filibuster probably need a filibuster I don't know what that means and I'm like you gotta get out of here you gotta hear Mike you know what we need to do we need to start at the state level that's how we take back the house all right man I'll see ya and then I just like get out of here now state level he's like oh he's thinking regional at the grocery store the other day and this woman's like looking at carrots and I stand next to her and I go what are you buying carrots she goes yeah my carrots and I go you ever wonder what it was like the first day they found one she goes uh no never thought of that well then it's pretty interesting some guys probably pulling weeds out of the ground all sudden everywhere and I was like what is it it's like I don't know and they were like why don't you eat it and he was like what if I die and they were like what if you live forever and she goes I'm just gonna get my carrots I like to talk to people there was another woman behind me in line she had a watermelon I look back and I go hey that watermelons too big she goes how do you know I go cuz I'm looking at it it's too big she goes you don't even know how many people it's for I go how many peoples at four she goes eight I go yeah that's too big I go you're gonna get home you're gonna have it you're gonna quarter you're gonna cut up a Korean like oh look that's enough for everybody now you're stuck with three quarters of a watermelon maybe tomorrow you'll have that other quarter but now you stuck with a half of water month nobody's eating watermelon three days in a row she was so mad at me she goes oh yeah well two days ago my husband ate an entire pineapple let go he ate an entire pineapple she was yeah he did and I go you gotta go get another watermelon you out of your mind it's got sucking back pineapples you're gonna roll in with this nobody gets how many people when you're grocery shopping return the carriage of the shopping cart when you're done how many people return to the little Corral good people how many people tuck it behind a bush like this is someone's job to come get it I love that you're like it's goddamn right I do keeping this economy strong I've been on the fence I've done both for a while I returned and then I got into like we were going to this one Vons and the scharping it usually the Corral's were pretty close and I would like to do this one where you push it you try and glide it in like you got to be careful when you're shopping you need to like bend it a little like know which way it rolls does it roll right does it roll left just so you can be that guy you ever push it and you let it go in the go [ __ ] that's gonna get a car and yet if I chase it the forest someone sees you like I'll get is idiot I was trying to be cool I don't do either of those things anymore now I wait til I see somebody who's getting out of the car and I go hey you using a shopping cart you ever seen a grown man try and receive a shopping cart at 25 miles an hour they have no idea like what the [ __ ] is this but when they grab it it's like they just like lasso to baby calf you know I mean like they're at the rodeo go inside maybe they pick up their wife does I fill them with confidence it's a transference of energy I don't think being an adult means you have to stop having fun you know I mean I was driving with a couple people who don't believe in it so much so I'll just go I was with my buddy Mike and we were driving we pulled up to an intersection light turned red and I look over the intersection I see this guy I know named Claude shires he's a stand-up comedian his dad invented Gatorade that's just a side note so I see him he's drinking out of a coffee mug and he's got shorts and a t-shirt and flip-flops and he's talking to some guy and they're looking across the street at a building under construction and there's a brand new Toyota 4runner in front of it and real quick I assess the situation and I think to myself oh look there's Claude drinking out of a coffee mug he must live in the neighborhood who's this guy probably a neighbor they're probably upset about that building under construction because Claude just got a new 4runner his dad invented gate already he's got the cash that's just what my brain thought it's been like eight years since I've seen him so I'm not gonna say hiring I'm just gonna let it go I start talking to Mike in my rearview I see Claude walked behind my truck and then in my sideview I see him looking up at the building walking this way and I'm intrigued I'm wondering am i right what if my hypothesis is correct only one way to find out but let's have fun with it so I look over I go hey bro can't park there man he goes yeah I know that's not my truck man and I go yeah but you can't park there and he goes yeah it's not my truck man and I go move your [ __ ] truck bro and he goes it's not my [ __ ] truck bro and I go move your goddamned truck bro and you go just not my goddamned truck bro and I go Claude what's up man and he goes Jay I go yeah light turned green I took off haven't seen him since my buddy Michaels dude who was that my go bro that's the heir to the Gatorade fortune and he goes why did you do that and I go cuz he's just walking through life feeling good happy maybe he's got a family and all of a sudden I just took him to a point of hate and rage what's better than that yes let's kill them all I always thought I'd marry a woman so she could get her green card just cuz I always want to own somebody a little you know it's kinda what it is I also want to marry a woman who already had kids so I could go like come in and save the day Magan know your dad suck but I got you never had a dad myself so I get it why is that why don't you want to save I'm the only one who wants me like I don't know this got weird lock the doors life is a weird thing I remember this is about six years ago my wife got melanoma on her foot that's cancer and we were like Oh cancer that's like crazy but I was like who's ever died of foot cancer come on get out of here and we were like in our 30s and I was like you know what we're gonna beat this there's no question it was no question in my mind that we would beat it I didn't even like register 99% of my brain was like we're gonna beat it 1% was like [ __ ] what if we don't that's a Miss is the woman I decided like hey we're gonna figure it out together we're gonna go through life we're gonna do it together no matter what and then all soon she might be gone it was crazy like 99% of that 1% was like I would be devastated but the 1% of the 1% was like we're back in the game you didn't do it the cancer gunner but I don't want to go there I can't control my brain so I'd be like 1% of 1% you shut the [ __ ] and I'd be like what's your 401k what's our forum like I know it's pretty good remember that one better and we suffer around in Laurel Canyon that could be you you're a widow who doesn't love a widow talking other women they're like oh you're a widow I'm like yeah like if you don't want me asking out she died and my foot cancer got her foot cancer I've never even I didn't know people get four kids I'm like yeah she was pretty weak emotionally I mean just oh god I'm such a good person when you're committed to marriage that's all you got was death yeah I mean that's your only get out of jail card I can't wait for her to die I mean I'll probably 92 but I'll be crushing it hopefully my two gay sons have adopted you know I mean hopefully a couple black kids black grandkids you kiddin killing it a little much for you guys I think everyone's a little afraid we're all protective of everything nowadays like even our kids I bought my son a swing set off Craigslist for 85 bucks pretty safe and then I built it with no directions over concrete and then my buddy showed up and he goes yeah what he just built the thing over concrete I go oh yeah I didn't even notice that he goes what if he falls and I'm like he's gonna fall sometime might as well fall right here like we're gonna protect these kids we treat kids like they're white sneakers you know when you get white sneakers like aw god dammit you got like one little scuff you clean them at what point you again [ __ ] it let's just love it he end up falling off that swing bashed his face open blood pouring everywhere and let me tell you the most gorgeous blood I've ever seen this beautiful red I remember looking like I created this him and the swing the whole thing was me if you've never seen your child bleed caught him caught him tonight I'd take a look at you be like holy [ __ ] look at that blood our blood is tainted it's disgusting we've been eating steak with fat on it swallowing gum these kids are pure they're like a brand-new engine where was that KITT beater earlier kind of all got every single I don't really think you should hit your kids let me flick their nose once in a while you know what I mean no one knows anymore my neighbor the other day 65 your retired schoolteacher good guy when I go on a town he watches my house when he's that town i watch his my car battery's dead I go over to his fence I go hey Nick you mind giving me a jump and he just looks at me goes huh I start to walk it across the lawn as he's walking across his wife's right here and she's like this what's wrong what is going on with her he gets over the fence he goes what'd you say I go I was wonder if you could give me a jump and he goes I don't jump I was like what I go I had the cables it's not I just I don't jump now his wife is like like she's seen this before she's going through PTSD over here she's like this friendship is over and I go what I have the cables news ya know it's not good for your battery I mean you can say no to someone via text nowadays because it's completely impersonal and you're complete disconnected from the rest of the world you like now and not even care but face the face I haven't been told no in a long time and I was just like I was this looking I'm like all right and I was like clearly upset and I'm walking away and he goes you know you should change your battery every three years and I look back like you shut your [ __ ] month I mean I didn't say it I didn't say it but I thought it two weeks pass every time I see him it's awkward he'd like jumps out of the way he goes in the house I avoid him it's a weird one Saturday night my wife and I at home watching a movie it's about 10:30 because clearly we're killing it and a car goes flying down our street and I look at my wife in like well that dudes flying all sudden we hear crash I run out cuz I've always want to save a life and start sprinting down the street past Nick's house nothing Steph's house nothing go by my neighbor brats he comes running out with a billy club and a bandana on and I remember running by being like what the [ __ ] how do you have time to put a bandana like it just happened and why does he have a billy club like I'm trying to save a life he thinks is an uprising happening I get down to the accident and basically a car it slammed into another car backed out given the bird and then taking off like a hit and run yeah it was crazy who gives a bird what hay on top of this [ __ ] you like I don't even know what that was but what happened when the guy smashed his fender jammed the front right tire so when he drove off it was like we're all sitting there like I just made a run in colonial was he making another why wouldn't go left you go left to Venice you just shoot right then you get out of here in no time like it was so weird a couple of people or i call 9-1-1 so it was like under it was everything was being taken care of i start walking back with brad i go hey what's up with the bandanna and he goes uh gymnastics night at the house and like that's enough that's enough so i get back to our house and I see my neighbor Nick now mr. no jump coming out of his house getting in his car and I go hey what are you doing he was I just thought I'd go see if I could find those guys like are you [ __ ] kidding me this guy can't give a jump but all of a sudden you're a vigilante going out into the night I was so mad I go in the house he'll come on with him like hey Nick's going out to try and find the guys you're so cool oh cool she was what you're still mad about the jump I go yeah I'm still mad about the jump she goes just relax I go you relax forty-five minutes later he comes home in the driveway wife comes out opens the back gate he pulls the car in the back yard they shut the gate and my wife goes what are they doing I go I know exactly what they're doing Nick found those guys and now he's hiding his car in case they come back looking for him she goes no way I go yahweh is my savior it's amazing you'll use it that's fine next morning we're going to a kids party my wife's driving I like to sit shotgun I don't care if you don't think it's manly I like to observe I like to look at architecture I like trees as we're driving I say to my wife I'm like listen I've been doing some thinking in the shower and right now and I want to run this by since we live together and everything but probably I do it anyway but I just want to brief you I'm gonna put a note on Nick's door that says I know it was you you [ __ ] with the wrong guy I'm gonna kill your wife yeah I thought I was free free correct and my wife goes no you're not and I go yes I am it's just why cuz he won't give you a jump I go get exactly cuz he won't give me a jump she was Ju can't threaten to murder someone and I go it's not a threat if it's not real like I thought that was logic and I was just like that's not even true like as it left my mouth was like let me have it back please he's got to make compromise that's what it's all about and I realize okay I won't threaten or murder this guy's wife but then four days later I got a little sign from up above I'm raking in the backyard and under a bush I find a dead bird I get a manila envelope put the bird in it then in red sharpie I wrote on it for Whom the Bell Tolls it tolls for thee maybe a little highbrow maybe a little highbrow left it on his doorstep that car is still in his backyard and my wife goes what did you proof and I go I proof that when someone needs a jump you give him a jump we do things differently the other day she goes I told Reid he had to go in timeout he went over put himself in timeout and then after a minute got up and walked out I know and what the [ __ ] did that prove she's what do you mean I can't just let him put himself in time I choose what do you do I go I grab him by the face and I walk him over and I say sit right here stare at the wall we don't smile we don't laugh and when I think you're done I'll come back and get you and then she goes in what does he do I go he crosses the whole time she was you up and now he's crying I go exactly hating timeouts I go nobody drives by a jail like I should be in there I said listen I'm not raising a best friend I'm raising a citizen someone who's gonna use a directional five people that's right we need more directional users and then these people like I haven't clapped all night I'm not clapping now son of a [ __ ] as I've stated an airbnb once they get beef it's here's the rule with Airbnb you book it you get to pick the room that's the rule I went to London with a couple buddies they didn't like the place they're like I don't like what you picked out I'm like fine I'll take the crappy room which happened to be a kid's room had bunk beds I slept in the bottom bunk first night was uncomfortable second I was like oh this isn't bad third night I just felt like a guy whose kid died and I just couldn't let go like I'm just playing with toys like I didn't miss my kids till then I'm like I miss my children marriage is a tough thing you gotta spice it up you know what I mean you got it look sex is important you know I mean that's just pretty much everything for a guy you just sex I was like how we gonna spice it up I don't think a threesome is gonna work like you can't have a threesome at this point kids will wake up in the morning like who's he why did he pick a man tried role-playing she can't act she's the worst actress I've ever seen like how are we gonna spice this up what can we do I bought a dildo dildo would be a good choice I've never had it dildo never used one I don't know tight first of all I hate the word dildo it's aggressive I don't like it dildey would that be better at dildey no I'm like I'm gonna get one and we'll use it together it'll bond over it it'll be on I don't know what so my wife's out of town for work I go to a sex shop you know I walk in this guy's buying porn guy working me on the counter looks like he should be working the ring-toss at a State Fair you know what I mean whole thing's uncomfortable I just don't like it's not me I'm like yeah and I'm just like now look at the guy and I'm like hey how you doing man we're gonna buy like like a sex toy or something me and my wife maybe like a dildo or something the guy goes yeah I like that I'm just like come on man I don't want you to like it I'm looking around and I see the case I'm like oh these will use the dildos you know will he Milton believes in doing boobs right here how do you use it so I see this purple one I'm like hey what about this purple one guy goes oh yeah that's the Excalibur it didn't say xcalibur anywhere on the package that's just a term they're using around the shop you know oh my god let's take a look guy pulls it out it's so big that when he puts them in the counter it goes like a thud and he pulls it out it's this giant dildo with a little arm that comes off the side that it look like a cactus you know what I mean like in the cartoons that vibrates like and I'm looking at he shown at me I'm like like guys are like just like looking at the thing I'm like so uncomfortable and I go it's that thing on the bottom of the thing on the bottom and he goes oh yeah that's a suction cup I go the [ __ ] is that for this guy looked into my soul like that licked it and then went up to the wall with and stuck it to the wall and like David Copperfield was like I had I was so I didn't know I didn't even get it I didn't know what I'm like hello it's a coatrack I don't even know what that is throw your hat on it when you get in the room I don't know what you do and like then I had to ask him i go i hate i go i I don't get it like what is it and he goes oh well he puts his hands on the counter and then goes like like a little squat and goes she takes it and then she gives it to you I was like would you [ __ ] chill out first of all Rowlett it was graphic I was like relax dude I'll take it I'll take pretty sure that's exactly what I'm looking I don't need the floor model I'm not gonna need the floor model maybe you can get one prepackaged who would be nice don't think I'm gonna need this so my wife's that town it's a Monday and I think to myself it's got this cheesy wrapping you know what I mean I'm like let me lose the wrapping I'm gonna get a nice box get some wrapping paper maybe a bow I've never given anyone a dildo before I don't know how you do it has anyone given a dildo I don't know what you know I always thought it'd be like this that's who's not you'd give one so my god get some nice wrapping paper a bow week gets away from me I forget to buy a bow box wrapping paper it's Friday she's on her way home from the airport I'm like what the [ __ ] I can't just blowing into the film booth likes all's I had was newspaper that's all I had so I wrapped the thing up a newspaper fish you take them like the guys like all right thank you that's what it looked like I had this giant fish I took home from Seattle like I made a quick trip up and like brought it home but you got to go with what you got you know what I mean so I leave it on the bed she comes in we're in the living room like house a week oh yeah we catch up with the kids did this here's a video and then I go hey why don't you come down the bedroom a little something for you she was like oh like thinking maybe I got like lingerie or something come down she walks in and I got the halibut laid out she's like looking at him like a helping help so she opens it up and she take like it took her two hands to lift it she lifts it and she goes what is this and I'm trying to be sexy so I go that's tonight I just I don't never done it you know I mean I'm trying to like do something she turns it on it's like oh like that's she's just like looking at it like she's trying because she knows I'm trying and then she goes this thing on the bottom and I go to suction cup and she goes for what I don't know why I did this I took it from her and just like that guy I licked it and then I stuck it to the wall immediately it fell off the wall turned on and started flapping around like a dying fish it went under the bed I was like crawling I'm like I got it I got this and like I couldn't get to it it's like getting away I finally got it I'm like going on it it had like dust all over it because no one's clean under that bed I'm just I had a candle lit it blew it on its own it was like this is enough this is wrap this up dude and I'm just like I was still like on the ground like holding it up like the xcalibur and all I can think about was that [ __ ] carne that sold me this thing with the little Lincoln stick technique that I didn't know you know like it the carnival's and the guy's like oh yeah it's super easy look at this boom boom and they just keep draining it you're like wow that's amazing that's what he did to me Oh like stick boom I don't know what kind of wall he's working with I didn't test it out that made me look like an idiot so she's holding the dildo and she looks at me and she goes I don't think so Ben and I Oh what's the matter and she goes it's too big and I remember like feeling deflated like I put myself out there and I looked at her and I go you don't like big dicks and she goes no I like average dicks like your dick I wasn't even mad I was like really a virgin see I'll take it see all day I was mad that she didn't like big dicks I want you just walking around your whole life into Dixon you didn't think big ones would be a good option like if I was into dicks it'd only be big dicks that would be my thing and I go up to do it like oh is this your big dick it's your big I would crush big dicks that's be my whole thing guys like to say her from last man he will crush your big dick remember the first time you saw a big dick you don't remember of course you don't you were lost in it I remember in college my buddy came over like drunk like in a towel and took the towel off cuz he's so wasted I was like dude would you holy [ __ ] is he doing with that thing we didn't use the dough though we had sex with my average dick and made a beautiful amazing cutest little boy in the world and an average little girl I'm just kidding I love her life's weird you just don't know what its gonna give you you know I mean you kind of just got to play you play your cards and you get dealt and then you just work it out you know what I mean you're never got always gonna have a good hand you know he's gonna be up you know he's gonna be down you know you just don't know but a year and a half ago I was in New York and I got a phone call from my brother my brother never calls me he's called me three times in ten years that's just he texts see the text guy so I know something's up so I pick up the phone I go who died and he goes dad and I was like someone's got a flair for the dramatic now my dad left when I was really young and we all stopped communicating with them around the age when I was 12 but then when I got older moved to LA I started like emailing with them so I was the only one with the relationship so my brother called me so I called my wife because things aren't real until I talked to my wife you know it's like that saying you know that's saying I don't know what I think till I hear what I say that's what it is until I tell her and I say get her get her on the phone I'm like so listen I think I'm gonna go home you know because my dad died and she goes and she's she's not a sensitive woman she goes to WHO and she's not doing it intentionally that's just how she reacts and I'm like yeah that's a good point very good point I go but I think I'll just go home and you know I'm gonna call my aunt and who I haven't talked to in 25 years and see if she can call my dad's wife and see if I can just you know go through his stuff cuz I thought that was a normal thing to do like I just you mind if I just peek around a little bit hey never met you before how are ya all right good and she's like what are you looking for I'm like I just want to get the end of the story I just want to I want to finish the book you know and she's like all right secretly I was hoping I'd find like a scrapbook of my whole life that he's been watching me forever so I take the train home and the whole time home I'm just thinking about like things I have for my dad I only have like three things one was a SIL penny because history note during World War Two they used the copper for bullets and made pennies out of silver he's like hang now that so I had this one silver penny and you remember Dylan McKay from nine oh two one oh yeah you thought that guy was intense I gave that penny to my high-school girlfriend when she was a freshman I was like take this it's the only thing my dad ever gave me she was like like I was an intense kid and I was going home from my dad past and it was like close to Father's Day and Father's Day was always weird for me as a kid like I remember in third grade we had to write like Father's Day cards and I was just standing like at my chair staring at this blank paper and everyone's like I love you dad I'm glad we play catch and I'm just like no I don't see him and mrs. Nelson was like Jason can you see me in the hall please and I go out there and she's like I'm so sorry and like buried my head in her tits and I was like this is amazing I hope my mom leaves it was like the first time I ever got like what are these things later in life Father's Day became a day that I would like do things by myself I'd build something I go for a hike one year I was building something I went to Home Depot and as I'm leaving this black woman goes have a Happy Father's Day I go no I don't have any kids and she goes yeah I know but you and your dad I go I know my dad left when I was two and she goes and you'll be a better man for it who's like how do you say that to someone only a black woman gets away with that literally she hugged my soul 27 years of therapy wrapped up in one interaction at the Home Depot amazing so I get home I Drive up to see my aunt who I haven't seen in 25 years and I'm like I get to her house and I go hey and she's like hey I was like hey she goes do you want a drink and I'm good and she goes we're drinking jack on the rocks and I go y'all have four of those and she's like so listen I called your dad's wife and she knows you're coming and she said you can go up my dad like had a workshop he was an antique dealer but he made sculptures she's like you can go through his like his workshop and all that kind of stuff and I was like all right cool I talked to her and then I went up and saw my I get to my dad's house and his wife comes the door and she's like and she's like so you know you want to go out and see his stuff it's week I never even like thought what they were thinking that like some kid shows up like hey you don't never met Matt if I go through my dad's old chip thanks appreciate it where's his sock drawer you have a sock drawer anywhere nearby that's where the good [ __ ] is and like my dad was like a little bit of a weird Duty and all these weird sculptures everywhere you know like he hadn't made all these things out of stone and I'm looking around and I'm standing like in his work room in front of his workbench and I'm sitting there like oh he's stood here like he would make things here his brain would create here you know I'm a creator that's what he would do and this is where he we don't even have a relationship but now I'm standing in his space he's gone but I'm there I'm looking around and there's all these like weird sculptures I'm the youngest of four and I started seeing like four baby doll heads on top of each other I'm like four baby doll heads I wonder if that's us and then I saw another one it was like for little kids lined up and I'm like oh what's that and everywhere I looked there was just fours everything was in four and I look up and I saw a sign it said tomorrow and I was like tomorrow you'll call your son then I see a baseball with four heads I'm like Oh again maybe that's us and I'm looking at it and I thought back to when I was nine I had to get a jockstrap and there was no dad around so I wanted my mom and my mom was sitting there with like this guy work there and she looks me she was what size are you and if I had known I would have been like average but I didn't so we bought a large which was way too big we got home and my mother goes why don't you try it on and like I didn't know anything so I went upstairs when I came down in just a jockstrap and it's my mom my Nana or my sister like in the kitchen on like cos is right like a dad would take you out back and hit you a couple ground it's like is it pinching does it pinch all right no my mother walked over to it and knocked on it to make sure it worked she goes all that'll be fine I'm like I'll never wear that again Thanks so I'm sitting there in the kitchen looking at that sculpture thinking of that being like dude you could have just come to a game you psychopath you need to make some damn sculpture then I couldn't take it anymore I look at the woman I'm like I got a I can't take this and I walked into the living room I start looking around and there's a bunch of penises penis sculptures everywhere I'm like oh he was in the big dicks too and my dad's wife comes out and she's like you know it's nice that you came and I'm glad you could find some stuff and I go you don't think he was tormented and she's like nah I don't think so I go there's a penis with a fishhook through it you don't think that's anything like all really every day or be like what the [ __ ] is that that would have been the only thing I was thinking and she's like no I just never really you know and like I was so close to asking like did he did he talk about me did he have anything like just waiting for her to be like well he didn't have this scrapbook of all your stuff and all your accomplishments but all she said was she goes you know he had his own apartment cuz he didn't like living here cuz of my son I'm like oh really and she's like yeah do you want to go look at it I'm like yeah of course so I go to his apartment which is in an old school house and he lives downstairs and some other guy lived upstairs and I go to open the door and I do and the only sound is a fish tank in the corner of the room that's one quarter full and it's just like the filter is going and I was like how long ago did he die like keep the fish tank going it was two days but it looked like it'd been four months with the condition of the fish tank it was just like books over here on silver core and like all antique books and the place look to CREP it like like he was living in squalor you know then I went into the living room and I was like just looking like maybe there's so maybe there's a picture of me somewhere is there anything here for me nothing I go into this other room where he packed up and shipped his antiques and then I went into his bedroom and they were like the EMT rippings from where like he had died and I went and stood where he died I'm like maybe I'll have a release and let go here so I just stood there and like wow this is where he died didn't feel a thing look over on the bureau see four little statues of kids and my Jesus Christ guy unbelievable you did you die looking looking at those I just kept looking for that release like something to show me that he cared about me or us and there was nothing there you know there's just nothing so I went back to my aunt gave her the key flew back to LA and two months later my wife and I and our son my wife is pregnant with our daughter we were coming back to that same area for a vacation and I said to her I'm like hey when we get here I want to take you to the antique store my dad worked and meet the people that he worked with and she's like ok so we get there and my son finds some toys and starts playing with the toys and I'm like I'm not buying this toy and I go up to the front like oh hey the owners here like I go to pay for it and she's like no they're not and I was like ok I'm like just this and I look over and there's a memorial of my dad two pictures of my dad and I grab one and I start walking over my son and I don't know what's going through her head she's like what's this guy who takes a memorial you're not supposed to touch memorials so I take it and my son's down playing with the toys and I just show him the picture and immediately he starts laughing hysterically like my job is to make people laugh and the one time he's ever seen my dad he starts laughing and I start bawling my eyes out and I pick him up and my wife starts hugging me and she's bawling her eyes out and I'm thinking to myself for the first time in my life I didn't feel like the gut kid who didn't have a dad I was the dad to this boy and that girl and I felt so amazing and I felt so loved and I looked over her shoulder at the woman working there and she's just staring as like who the [ __ ] are these and at that moment I realize exactly who I was I was a husband I was a father but more importantly who I wasn't I wasn't someone who was not going to feel his worth because his dad was never around and I hope that every day you wake up you look in the mirror and you ask yourself Who am I I'm Jay Larson thank you so much [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Music]

Channel: Jay Larson

Views: 1,262,325

Rating: 4.7606893 out of 5

Keywords: Jay Larson, Jason, Thruline, Comedian, Comedy, Video, podcast, personality, talk show, internet, radio, audio, Special, Me Being Me, stand-up, stand up

Id: dZxzMILgYRM

Length: 62min 5sec (3725 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 23 2019