Sam Morril: I Got This - Full Special

oh good thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this I appreciate it it's a good time to be alive great time to be a man right the bar is is nice and low it's nice I was with a girl the other night she said I don't think we should have sex I was like oh that's cool and then she goes wow you're a great guy I was like that's all it takes I'm pretty sure the alternative is a felony I don't know if I'm a great guy but I'll take it I had a good mom growing up you know ever since I was a little kid my mom would say no means no and she was talking about cookies when I put it together you know I met her go after a show in Florida I'm not bragging but I do pretty well in Tampa she said I'll Drive you back to your hotel but there's no way that I'm coming upstairs I said whatever you want to do is fine with me so in the parking lot we're making out she said all right I'll come upstairs but there is no way that you're getting laid and I was like am I being recorded right now this feels like a me to sting operation so very loudly into her chest I said that's totally cool this is Sam around March 22nd 2000 time stamp now I like consent consent as consent as this [ __ ] can set that's the best part the consent sometimes I get the consent and then I just I go home and I jack off instead get a good 8 hours of sleep my friends ask did you get laid last night and I say no but I got the consent so pretty cool no I take I take the meat to movement very seriously you know I won't even watch office porn anymore that's how you can laugh it's a nice gesture it is you know I I used to like office porn but now I see in the mic he should not have done that there should be a guy that comes on the end like yeah he doesn't work here anymore that was crazy there was uh there was this gay porn star was reading about this guy that's how I know this and I do a lot of reading and he got banned from all these porn sites because he has Nazi tattoos on his chest which you've got to be kind of a scumbag for porn sites to be like this doesn't really align with our values we're kind of a family here at gang [ __ ] dot net we're disappointed it was hard to me to come out tonight you know what not the weather it's my neighbours are breaking up and I didn't want to miss it you know it's it sounds very painful for them so I don't feel good about it but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch it's kind of nice I'll be watching the game I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen I was watching tennis and I just overheard a go oh yeah and I was like click she just yells out you have a tiny dick and I was like cancel my plan this is more important and then he goes oh yeah you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] know the guy right so far she's winning for sure not even close and then she goes oh yeah your dick is so small so she's recycling material but still a devastating blow you know not easy to come back from and then he yells out oh yeah well your [ __ ] stinks and I was like alright we got a match on our hands and it's going back and forth so much it almost starts to sync up with a tennis match where it's like tiny day stinky [ __ ] tiny dead stinky [ __ ] so finally had to knock on the door said hey it's Sam from across the hall a longtime listener first-time knock oh you guys you guys are killing it I were a little referee shirt I said both you should drop your pants I'll settle this [ __ ] right now breakups man they're painful right they don't feel good I got a text on my axe not too long ago she does it just out of the blue she'll just so you know I'm seeing this new guy and I wrote back oh wow okay and then she wrote what you didn't think I was ever gonna date ever again and I said no I didn't remember signing up for the push notifications you know i i'd like to hear less from you and the HuffPo if possible but neither of you will leave me be you know the problem is we have sex ed when were kids where we need relationship ed that's we need the help I don't need help with her put a condom on I need help with what to do when she starts packing her [ __ ] that's where I need the guidance she's like I don't love you anymore am i cool coach Mitchell did not cover this part but I could show you what the [ __ ] issues like now it's not a good time I gotta keep me posted I work on him every time you have to it's not fun but you got to do it it's like doing volunteer work cuz Doreen I'm like this kind of sucks but then afterwards I'm always thinking good for me I do it for the kids that's why I gotta wear a condom it's not the best but you know lambskin anyone - a lambskin condom yeah you do it what do you think you like it it's so much better it is yeah no one else it just mean it were the only Shepherds in the house tonight what happened right it is good right it feels better here's how you do it if you don't know you [ __ ] a lamb skin and then you eat a gyro and then and then you go out in a wool sweater you got to use the entire animal I'll tell you do it I feel bad in relationships cuz I'm very disappointing you know I really am I think I think women are like he's a comic he'll be fun I'm fun there's other stuff unlike the Dominican Republic you know I'm great for like five days and then then I go this has some problems I was not I'm not Haiti but I'm in the vicinity of what that is weird time and I feel for your women look the me to stuff I get it it's it's a weird area motional issue it's also a very important issue it's a weird combo though you know something I'll see posted as a man it doesn't fully resonate I saw a post the other day so there's nothing more feared than an intelligent woman I was like that's not true it's not even in my top five and I frightened easily but I've never been on the subway 2:00 in the morning they've been like no this looks like a pack of valedictorians right here I hope they're not summa [ __ ] laude so much has change its kind of crazy think of it like I think about some of these movies from the 80s these sex comedies like Porky's Revenge of the Nerds I love those movies they always had that scummy bestfriend user guy I'm talking about he'd always ask questions like did you get laid last night and we said no it'd be like this guy blew it I miss that character cuz it's gonna be extinct they're gonna remake these movies they're gonna have to write in awoke best friend some guy look did you smash last night now we just talked and he's like well sometimes a conversation is equally fulfilling so that's kind of cool a lot change some of its through the better obviously I remember like in college not that long ago they would say things like don't go to that frat house a roofie that's and that's the thing they would say out loud and oh my god should we do something like no just don't go there that's it I got roofied at a party in college by accident but you know it still counts it's uh obviously was an accident no one at the party was like I'm gonna roofie that hairy boy over there let me let me [ __ ] up past that werewolf tonight that is male priviledge right there isn't I just told a roomful of people I got roofied I did not see one concern face in here everyone in here is like I assumed things worked out for you and they did still weird though here's what happened I was at a party and this guy handed a girl drink and he said I'm too drunk and I said I'll drink it and he gave me this hateful look and I thought why is this guy so mad at me and then I chugged it and I woke up the next morning I was like oh that guy's a sexual predator and my friend said you ruined his night and I was like that's not how I want to think about it you know you don't want to think of yourself as a [ __ ] block to some monster I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero I have negative one rapes you guys I can't take all the credit you know it's kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a mugger and some woman is like my hero and I'm like if you say so bye I might have a substance abuse problem so it's hard not to drink man it's very hard I work in a place where there's a bar every night I've been trying to be good it's very difficult I read this article has said try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend I was like yeah that's a very helpful example that's always a crossroads I find myself at 4:57 a.m. i can't tell you how often I'm coming out of a blackout like [ __ ] I should have done doubles instead that's I brought my Wilson racket and everything you tell me to replace an addiction with cardio that's very helpful I'm gonna I'm gonna start walking into a halfway house is full of crackheads like have you guys done Zumba it's so much better than crack for like thanks we didn't know that was helpful of course you want to get [ __ ] up have you have you have you tried living I'm happy and I want to get [ __ ] up have you watched the news it makes you want to drink another mass shooting after another mass shooting it's always the same thing too it's always some guy who's like I heard voices in my head we all do everyone hears voices in their head good people just don't listen to them if I listen to all the voices in my head I would be as sometimes a gay street fighter I know it sounds like a confusing video game it's not you know why is he honda but [ __ ] me Wow that's his finisher [Laughter] every man shooter it was a very quiet man that should be part of the background check for guns right you want this gun you better be [ __ ] chatty do my podcast we'll see if you're an extrovert I don't trust it it's a sad time to live in the whole D there's school shootings now it's horrible because now getting held back is a real threat do you want to go to summer school please I've already done two tours of freshman year some of these jokes the content you're not gonna like but structurally they're gonna be really solid so that's hell it does help with the these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news they try to sound profound it just comes out wrong I was watching this guy after a shooting and he said now would be a good time to be around people well like yeah that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened so I'm gonna stay at home alone and if I die it's gonna be from autoerotic asphyxiation okay on my terms that's a better way to edge that's how I want to go peacefully in my own hotel closet that's a weird fetish right auto-erotic asphyxiation you got to choke yourself to come I don't know I'd even find out you're in a better you just jerking off in a turtleneck you're like I like what this is going a little more pressure I was just in California they have a 10-day wait for the guns that's it that's a good rule a gun should never be an impulse buy you should never be returning a gun like we made up you know it's weird they always bring up the founding fathers every gun debate they bring up the founding fathers right they would say the founding fathers had guns they did they also had wigs it was a there was a long time ago that's how long ago was I thought a powdered wig was a good look so that's my stance on guns you could have a gun but I think you should have to wear the way she's at least banned at least I can tell who's dangerous from afar I'm trying to get in my apartment at 2:00 a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin look another I just hope that's not an intelligent woman honestly [Music] she gonna go in the hood it's gonna look like the casts of Hamilton but they always bring up the founding fathers they never mentioned the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s so it probably wasn't a big deal when they got shot I would assume most funerals were like look he had three to five years left top so that's like getting shot now in your 80s which would almost be kind of cool how would you rather die connected to tubes for three months would you rather go out like a Jay I want to die in my 80s in a gang-related incident I want my obituary to say comedian Samer l was shot dead today at the age of 87 his last words thug life as he emptied the clip there's so much to be scared of too isn't there in cells their new words you have to learn in cells the involuntary celibates they don't get laid so they become terrorists and they look a lot like me it's very upsetting but that's a certain type of person cuz I have married friends that don't get laid they've been made the jump to the ISIS but maybe they should Isis lacks that type of diversity they don't have enough divorced men just a bunch of dudes death to the infidels a one guy like also Charon I mean we gotta we gotta kill Karen too right you ever read the botched terrorist missions those are my favorites the ones who couldn't cut it there were these guys around 9/11 they were getting too drunk at strip clubs in Florida I love the fact being come to this country hating us and then you go to a few strip clubs and you're like they're not that bad it turned out to be a false report though cuz it said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties over the con man that's such a bummer cuz that's what you want to meet a terrorist like a mixer they're like we used to be al Qaeda now we're Sigma Chi so the objective is still virgins but I think about it all the time I think about you know all these scary ways you could die traveling I read this story about a depressed pilot who knows dov'è plane and killed all these people on board so you know that's that's gonna be a bummer you know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say what a lovely day it is to be alive and I just I hope that positive energy trickles its way into the cockpit yeah it is good because I'll be on flight sometimes and the pilot comes on he's cheesy and people roll their eyes but that's what you want that guy still trying what do you want it down in the dumps captain hey this is your pilot it's gonna be a bumpy ride but you know that's life it's hard so says it's gonna be a six-hour trip we're gonna land way sooner than that so buckle up or don't it doesn't matter I'm gonna I'm gonna murder you thanks for flying spirit [Applause] depression man that depression is real it really is III someone sent me a very helpful article and depression recently it said it said these are the foods you got to eat if you're depressed or thank God that's if you're at that point just ended honestly is that has that ever turned it around for anyone I was gonna jump off a roof but then I ate some dried mangoes and I'm feeling good they find your corpse on the sidewalk I don't understand he ate so many cashews why would he I'm not built for air travel I'm sick three I'm lanky I'm kind of weak you know I got a middle seat on my way back from LA recently I get up to use the bathroom I come back the guy in the Iowa sleep in which is very annoying because she knew I was coming back there's no skydiving option on board okay I had to return and now I have to make the decision do I wake him up and piss him off or do I mount I think I'm more flexible than I am so I elected to mount and I have just horrible lateral balance I did not stick the landing my leg comes down on his leg I'm on top of the guy as I'm on top I see his little sleepy mask come up what do you do you know I kissed him on the mouth there was nothing sexual about it it was the Godfather to Fredo kiss I said I knew it was him mostly because you were sitting here before but no I'm not I'm not built for this travel type of lifestyle it's not working for me I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers I said hey can I drink on these and he said absolutely are you sure and he said I do and I was like that wasn't the question I said are you sure it's not gonna mess my liver up he said it'll [ __ ] it up real bad all right he's not my doctor anymore but we do hang out he's cool this guy texts me all the time he texts me the other day yo what the [ __ ] is up and I was like what medical school did you go to I'm gonna guess the Cayman Islands you know he tells me to swim at the rec center cuz of my back I love it I love the rec center around if you ever been there as a Jew it's fantastic it's just old Jews and Japanese men if you had it bad during World War 2 this is your spot okay fantastic every time I go swimming there's a morbidly obese woman on a noodle she's just floating horizontally across the lab lanes and we just swim around her like she's not there's part of the rec center code and I can tell him there's a new guy because he looks confused and I say that's Kathy I go right you go left we've developed a system then on the wall says rule number one no swimming with diarrhea which I'm like alright I agree I kind of wish it weren't all number one I don't know who that rules for the most motivated human who's ever lived some guide home like oh I'm still going but rule number two must wait two weeks after having diarrhea to swim in the pool and also go right right out of the gate mostly diarrhea related rules you know clearly there's an incident that we're dancing around here you know you didn't pick a first-rate exercise facility when all the rules like could you not [ __ ] in our stuff it's been a problem I love this place everything about its off I went to the bathroom I knock on the door in the guy in the bathroom yells out who is it that's not we were supposed to say you're supposed to say I'm in here you're not supposed to be expecting company in the men's rec room bathroom but I figured I'd give it a shot so I said it's Sam and he goes now that wasn't right answer [Applause] you're gonna hate this next show but I'm gonna do it anyway this is how bad my back was I read a headline the paper that said graveyard work or had sex with over a hundred dead bodies and my first thought was that there's a lot of digging you know I know that's a horrible person but that's also an unattainable fitness goal for me and I would I would kill for that core strength how much true crime is our gonna be are you guys watching this like me it's so addictive yeah give it up for all these murderers all this great content you you keep killing we'll keep watching that's what I say I don't want to point fingers here but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate I don't know if you're paying attention I would recommend never going home with us ever if a woman goes home with you she really trusts you or she's taking a chance you know so whenever I opened the door I always turn to and I say hey thanks for rolling the dice you know I appreciate it that's all I watches is murder and stand-up I've been doing this for a while I see comics sometimes on Netflix I'm like this guy [ __ ] stinks I wonder if murderers watch true crime like this is pretty disappointing three murders in five years I should be the one on television we all do it we're getting desensitize you ever just watch four straight episodes of Law & Order SVU and it hits you're like it's probably too much rape for a Sunday I'm not even paying attention I'm folding laundering I'm thinking when did this become background noise in my life I should not be consuming SVU like it's smooth jazz you know the darkest plots you've ever seen I'm watching one the moms pushing her baby in the stroller she turns around for a sec then turns back around the baby's gone that's not even bad parenting that's incredibly efficient kidnapping by the way you got to give credit where credit's due because she was crying I'm a horrible mother and I was like no you went into one of the grades that was that was like the Steph Curry of abduction that was pretty flawless see it on these dating sites - I read this article it said that you got to be careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs I'll post pictures of really hot women and then you show up on the day and they just robbed and beat the [ __ ] out of you that's gotta be a bummer because it already sucks when it doesn't look like the picture that's gotta suck actually you show up for your date at 2:00 a.m. at the bridge and a dudes are walking toward you and you're like Kathleen I was in uber right after a breakup you ever just over share with the driver he said how are you I said I had this breakup he said let me tell you some [ __ ] about breakups and the second he said that I thought I might have [ __ ] up no say you know what I did when my girlfriend left me I said what he's like I [ __ ] everyone you think that helped and I said no and he said it did alright he said you know what else I did I called her up I told her all about it you think that helped and I said god no and he said I did and I said I'm gonna stop guessing cuz you're very unpredictable went on for 20 more minutes I finally got a car why do you think that was helpful for me at all and he said probably not and I said it was one of the hard things about dating now is a lot of younger people or mean or hey they're very mean that's what they flirted I think it's called Negi and I was talking to go after a show my poster was up but she goes why you look really ugly in that picture I said oh that's not very nice and she goes you're a comedian I said yeah I'm also a human being so I enjoy Pleasant conversation as well and I was wearing a striped sweater so she goes nice sweater you wear it on purpose or did you escape a prison she said prison which kind of bugged me I was like I feel like you don't know a lot about prison I said I'd like to escape this conversation she said that's all you got and I said I have to be meaner to you to communicate you said hit me with your best shot mr. comedian I said rather not she said come on visit alright you're very pretty and I'm very lonely and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this yeah so we're back at my place and you know yeah it works negging works I'll tell you it really does I was making out with her and it hit me I don't even like this person I'm thinking what am i doing I'm making out with her I said hey maybe maybe we should stop it she was what you're rejecting me and I said I don't think there's a good idea and she said I'm really turned on now they were saying no to me and I said you seem like a pretty unhealthy person she said no one's ever rejected me this is the most turned on I've ever been I said well then you're gonna be super hot for this uber I just called you okay hopefully get the guy I got he loves to [ __ ] I went out date with the girl she told me her last boyfriend was sixty which I thought was kind of shocking that's a pretty big age gap should let me tell you something there's no different from the 30 year old dick and a 60 year old dick and I said I haven't done the research but I feel like there is I'm gonna go with temperament I think that's the difference a young dick is like an intern up at the crack of dawn overeager down for whatever an old dick is like a CEO he's like this better be important okay I don't have a lot of time so we're on the day we're making out in the bar she starts going underneath my pants just looks me dead in the eye hi echoes why aren't you erect house like a wrecked what do you a transformer who talks like that I'll tell you why cuz we're kissing I'm not 14 have you seen the [ __ ] that's out there you want to get me hard tell me you're a dental assistant your husband's coming home in five minutes then what's wrong I watch too much porn so I do it's I'm aware of it you notice it while you're having sex sometimes we're having sex and it was good and while we're doing - I just said I will eat your butt and she said you don't have to do that and I was like thank you i overextended myself thanks for catching that one and realness back in you know his porn is just not good it's all these dark topics I saw a taboo link on a porn site so I clicked on it and it was incest porn all the gory you called my bluff that is taboo yeah then the next one was inter it was interracial and I was like they should divide these up a little better I don't know what kind of racist porn site every porn categories your [ __ ] you should never do all right like [ __ ] your best friend's mom it's rude blackmail your boss it's a place of business it's criminal you know we need some positive porn categories to rewire us we need categories like um a couple that's been together for a while Fox after autism beneficial right well not glad I jerked off at 2:00 p.m. but they raised a lot of money for those kids yeah instead of the money shot just a link that says donate now this side of the room is really [ __ ] into that you have huh and this side of the room is Christian they were raised well I don't know man I just I'm happy I'm doing this in New York you know cuz so I'm on with God I've been on the road a lot and ER so no I'm useless on the road I can't drive I can drive but if you were in a car with me but I pull over I'm gonna drive this is it's not good I'm bad and reckless that's a bad combo you ever get cut off by a reckless driver then you catch up with them you got to see what they look like it doesn't matter what race or gender every time I see what they look like I'm always like I [ __ ] knew it could just be a white guy in my classic this is a classic white [ __ ] takes what he wants contributes nothing to society I'm gonna do the example for white people you know don't want you get uneasy I heard a guy yelling a cab driver the other day said learn the goddamn language was that's messed up right and guess what it's sometimes nice when I don't know the language right you ever call car to the airport at 5:00 a.m. and you get a little Korean guy like ah this might be a nice quiet ride then to get in the highway and he's like weather is weird you're like far it's jackoff learn the language I'm a yellow cab man I don't like lyft or uber I don't I'm something I thing you know why cuz you rate them they rate you you're both on your best behavior it feels like a first date even the way they pick you up feels like a blind date right they're like oh you Sam and I'm like yes I like a yellow cab it feels like a marriage neither of you were trying at all the second you get in he's mid conversation on speakerphone I'm in the backseat eating Caribbean street food we're both hammered you know no one's putting on airs you ask him hey can you drop me right in front of my apartment he's like now I respect that good for you holding your ground there I did nothing all day man I did nothing I watch the news I saw an anti-smoking ad it's weird that they can do anti-smoking ads but you can't do pro cigarette commercials isn't that weird they don't give him a rebuttal and I'm not like a big cigarette guy but I like one when I'm drunk sometimes it's nice I thought of a good pro cigarette commercial how about this for like a casual smoker a hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and ask to bum a cigarette and he goes oh I don't smoke so then she goes outside and bump them from another guy and they go home together and they fog and that's the whole commercial there the end it just says wouldn't kill you to carry a pack mall bro just in case all right I got some momentum let's break out the abortion jokes so if there was ever a time my friend just had one her boyfriend didn't contribute to the cost what I thought was not cool you know she's going through yeah that's not a very noble stance I don't think that is how low the bars and my guy should pay a little bit for the abortion of women like he's a hero he really is no even the most pro-life person I talked to was like wow chivalry is dead that was the baby's name chivalry and I'm just saying that one that one's not for everybody that you have I did that joke the other nine somebody went out boo I thought it was a baby's ghost but I'm just I'm just saying there's still gentleman if I knock you up and you need an abortion it's on the house I'll throw my Delta SkyMiles card right in the counter are you sure Sam I got this with all the rewards and benefits that Delta has to offer I'd be a fool to do otherwise I'm 2 to 3 abortions away from diamond medallion status so I'm losing something if I'm gonna take it a step further here I think I think you should get extra SkyMiles points with an abortion cuz that's one less crime baby on board you know [Applause] me personally I don't like doing that part of the joke but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta and you know it's they get very upset when I leave it out they dock me bits cough cookies love those cookies I was talking about after a show he told me there's gonna be an anti-abortion parade which I think he meant to say March I don't think there's gonna be a parade but if there is I'll be there I want to see what the floats look like that one looks unfinished that's what we're going for Sam back-to-back abortion joke they got greedy guys I did got a little greedy I'm a pretty liberal guy but some of my friends now we're so liberal that everything turns into like slavery of the Holocaust and every conversation you know I'm talking about talking my friend the other day and he goes Trump is Hitler I said all right look we don't know how hilarious Hitler would have been on social media that's not fair Hitler might had a strong Twitter presence trapped in bunker sad a dose trending I came across this article the other day and the internet just had fun facts about Hitler which i think is a great title I've always said there aren't enough upbeat pieces on the fear fun fact about Hitler didn't pay income tax was very bad at managing his money and I thought man is too bad there wasn't a group of people that could have helped you know Jews so you know that joke did not hit Naples Florida okay terrible people my least favorite city I'll never go back i bombed four straight nights I got to an argument with an 80 something-year-old man I had a breakdown in the last show I finally just said I got to get out of Naples he goes we're still here and I should won't be out in the morning you'll be in a casket soon and he said you'll have to put me there and I said that's not how time works it kept escalating back and forth finally I hear a voice in the crowd yell out grandpa enough that's Naples to me my dad called me to check in he said how are you I said I'm in [ __ ] Naples and my dad goes Italy and I was like oh no these jokes are not taking me abroad pops I'm in Florida the bad part true story I'm on stage there I just out I just as a start to a bit I go so I'm a New York Jew and some of the crowd goes oh no not a yes or no question it's my heritage also oh that's our sound that's cultural appropriation [Applause] not all gigs are this fun man I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes sometimes it'll be a bad gig I do Casino sometimes are the worst gigs ever you know they pay pretty well but the soul-crushing you just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show some by scooter it's very jarring but uh and the casino is not even mad because they want these people pissing away the money on the gambling floor you know so I go to apologize to management they're like no you're doing a great job you should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night guys those went horribly I think she worries my mom worries a lot I was with her the other day on the street we saw a dead bird and I said a dead pigeon my mom goes don't touch it I was like what do you think happens when you're not around you see I'm just walking around let me grab this [ __ ] oh yeah watch me I don't blame my mom for worrying you know I still get in trouble I got assaulted in Burlington Vermont earlier this year which is not where you think it's gonna happen lotta open-toed sandals everyone's high I thought it was safe honestly bud they seem like nice people Bernie even seems like a nice guy I like Bernie Sanders you know why cuz he debates the way I've argued with every woman in every relationship I know I don't have a chance I just want to get my ideas out there you know so I'm in Vermont and I'm out after the show I'm having a couple beers with some comics were to borrow two blocks from the venue some guy walks up to me I can tell something's off about him and he just looks at me - goes University of Vermont and I said no and he goes master's degree and I said you're getting colder and he said I want to beat the [ __ ] out of all of you but he's only looking at me yeah and I looked him up and downs like I he's bluffing so I turn around as I turned around he grabbed by the shoulder takes a pint glass and smashes it over my head and I thought I poorly read that situation I mean he was not bluffing so he runs out they call the cops and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yelled of the bar you all heard him call me Jew boy before he did it and they said I didn't hear that and I said I did and a justice Millette tale was born so they put him in the backseat the cops get him very quickly he wasn't getting far on foot he's in the backseat of the car the cops are examining to see how bad my injury is they're taking glass out of my hair and the cop asked did he smash a pint glass on your head and I said it could have been a pint glass it could've been a menorah it happened very quickly [Music] and the comp ass do you see spinning I said like a dreidel it's pretty right [Music] then finally I had to admit it wasn't a hate crime and they took the guy away and the bar manager turned me he said just so you know this never happens here you know like yeah I figured that'd be pretty weird if you were like that was Scott so Scott knows that I unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road some of it's my fault that eight years ago I was drinking too much was a young comic on the road I was in Seattle I was hitting on a girl after the show every 30 seconds her friend would lean and go not interested every 30 seconds she could do a bit better than you it would get progressively mean at one point she goes you're very unattractive and I was a drunk kid I just said get some more Botox you lizard I'm deeply ashamed to myself for saying that and it's completely inappropriate although if you were there we would have been like he nailed it totally I thought she seemed furious I couldn't tell by her face but she seemed very upset me and my friend were laughing and were laughing I get popped in the face by her boyfriend I deserved it she was a lizard but she was his lizard and I thought it was cool that they stuck together you know but this was foreshadowing a month later I'm in Cleveland horrible time to be in Cleveland it was when LeBron left the first time okay I yeah exactly I don't know if you guys remember but they did not take it well and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan at the time be um LeBron and that's it so it was rough and I love Cleveland I've always had good times there I like the people it felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine's Day too it was just a weird vibe and I met this hot older woman after the show and we hit it off but she's there with a guy friend who's just a friend but it's Valentine's Day there's there's that weird energy in the air he's kind of going for I'm going for and he's buying me drinks to keep an eye on me and I'm accepting the drinks because I lack character so he gets up to go to the bathroom when I asked her do you want to get out of here and she said yeah let's ditch him this is how stupid I am I take her to the bar next door that's my getaway plan I was like seven feet to the left we got this so we're doing shots were making out at the very romantic night and I'm glad some people after that but I can told me to shitty City when that doesn't get laughs at all well people like that's a very romantic night out that's dry humping in Jager shots that's that's how we did our 40th anniversary so I finally say hey do you want to do you want to leave and she said I want to go back to your hotel and I said all right then so we go outside the dude is standing right there and I was like oh no you go so there you guys are what the [ __ ] do you think you're going I said I were gonna go back to my hotel and it goes oh yeah you're just gonna [ __ ] her and then fly back to New York and I said honestly yes that was the game plan I was gonna pitch it quite differently I was gonna say something romantic like shall we make love before my expedition or something who knows I was gonna liven it up a little he gets close to me goes you want to [ __ ] her you gotta fight me first and that's the first time I noticed he was missing teeth and I was like oh no he's been down this road before I'm not gonna fight him so I've never had sex with anyone I've been like that was better than teeth ever after everyone nice and I'm like man it's cool I could still eat apples after this this is great yeah I went down to the hotel lobby I grabbed me a Macintosh I go about my day so I said hey I'm not gonna fight you and he said that's what I thought [ __ ] come here babe doesn't say a word to me just calls her over she goes with him they clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort they start walking away as they walk away there's a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt Matt matching white sweatpants very underdressed for Cleveland in February okay he's not quite sitting he's not quite standing he's almost perched and as they walk away he loudly says I wasn't gonna let anything happen to you [Laughter] who are you he walks over he goes I police as part of town I said you're a policeman he's not this man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind so I asked you work for the bar he said no and I said are you a vigilante of some sort and he said yeah and he's in white so I said what's your superhero name the snowflake and he said I go by the white knight and I'm just drunk enough to be like hell yeah that's all I took I'm like this guy's legit he's got a name so we started chatting I'm kind of baffled I asked him you just wait outside and break up fights and he said I protect downtown Cleveland I said haven't you been hurt he set up and stabbed twice I was like dude why do you do this he acts like [ __ ] love Cleveland that's why and it's kind of touching honestly he's crazy but he's loyal they lost LeBron they got this guy it's a horrible train don't get me wrong but this is what loyalty looks like it's not always pretty you know so we started taking a walk I'm taking a little stroll with the white knight and we passed a comedy club with my posters in the door and he said you're a comedian I said yeah he said I could never do what you do and I said I could never do what you do either it's um it's a legal and strange and quite alarming to be frank so there's a real mutual admiration going on you could say and we started chatting for a while about life and love you know one point he asked me why don't you have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day and I said probably my life choices in my career and he said me too and I said we're not so different you and I white knight so we walked him back to the hotel and he said he's coming to my show tomorrow night and I said great so I'll see you then and we exchanged information as he did with vigilantes and I wake up the next morning head pounding thinking did that even happen but of course it did you don't you don't daydream the white knight first email I see just says subject heading White Knight I thought I think it's him I don't I don't know that many white knights it's it's Sam it was such a pleasure to meet you last night unfortunately something came up and I'm unable to attend your show this evening sincerely your new friend and fan the white knight in parentheses Joshua that made me very happy Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes you know he's he's our Black Panther so I emailed back it bounces back I email him again to bounce us back to the point that Mike this guy's created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear it's very so it's like in Batman when he's talking to Commissioner Gordon and he turns away for a second turns back and Batman's gone but you see the wind moving he did that to me via email it was always in the back of my head years go by never hear from but I always thought about except had weird drunk nights but this one's particularly strange so must have been six years later I get an email out of the blue different email address but it still says subject heading White Knight and I thought it's probably him I don't I don't have a large white knight rolodex so all I said was saw you on Conan funny [ __ ] White Knight and I wrote back hell yeah dude you're still out there white knighting I'm still doing comedy we're both still in the game and he wrote back oh no I no longer engage in white knight II I now have a wife and a little boy me reside in the suburbs of Cleveland and I was like this traitorous [ __ ] and then he bowed how are you and I said I'm in [ __ ] Naples and he wrote back Italy and I was like yeah thank you so much for coming [Music] [Applause] [Music] you you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 6,363,108

Rating: 4.8781071 out of 5

Keywords: Sam Morril, I Got This, Sam Morril comedian, Sam Morril stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, dating, sex, #MeToo, consent, condom, drinking, school, mass shootings, news, death, incel, terrorism, airplane, depression, doctor, rec center, true crime, Uber, racism, taxi, smoking, ad, abortion, Florida, dad, mom, Jewish, Cleveland, White Knight, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, best comedy, best stand up, sam morril I got this, sam morrill

Id: 4Xo3Fq7GGWk

Length: 47min 34sec (2854 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 10 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/bmarion]

Mark and Sam are the two best joke writers in the game and neither of them could get their specials picked up (Mark just filmed one). The industry is missing out big time on both of them in my opinion.

[u/SensitiveQuote]

Best comedian with under 1m followers don’t @ me.

[u/boxman26]

Probably the best joke writer in comedy.

[u/clubparty44]

I've been seeing a lot of this guy lately. He's def about to blow up

[u/thurrmanmerman]

Sam is great! Thanks for posting this -- might have slipped passed me otherwise.

[u/ratboyjames]

Had me giggling like an idiot at several points. Loved the airplane bit especially

[u/boxman26]

Ahhh, it’s the opposite for me. I love Mark Normand when he’s just riffing.

[u/dadadalee]

Good egg. Loved the special. Loved the fact that it got released on YouTube.

[u/andeqoo]

just watched its awesome