Flashback Fridays | Flashback Fridays | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

[Music] y'all weather's beautiful that was so perfect I don't know how y'all go crazy well yeah I do go crazy but so perfect all the time I realized I love this weather when I went home recently and was watching a football game with some of my homies and I realized that there's no manly way to ask for a blanket there's no manly way to tell your thug friend your toes cold weather furthermore through hands-on research there's no manly way to be the only man in a room full of men under a blanket and comfortable is you right meet new people what's up dawg names Chris is 300 count [ __ ] this is nice [Music] hey love white people white people I'm your economies get up in time I feel like I love white people y'all are awesome I'll jump off a mountains without parachutes y'all take ecstasy ah [Music] y'all keep messin with animals no matter how many I'll get killed y'all still keep going after it boy I was watching the news the other day in the newscaster was like if you see a mountain lion do not approach it I was like who is this commercial for this is for white folks this black people don't mess with animals we across the street when we see a squirrel y'all be hiking and riding your bike y'all in the mountains and surprised when a mountain lion jump out and ball your punk-ass some mountain it's not a kitchen like crazy white woman I got killed by Owen Python ain't even got no punch laughter that cuz it's ridiculous how do you raise your own murder case with a Python it go Python was like soon [ __ ] we've been friends for a long time we worked together in SNL he is the Hans from Hudson frog Harvey basically what I did was I played the Trump casino in Atlantic City corporate date they had all the high rollers there like a thousand of them in a room yeah and I thought he's gonna introduce me but he was just on a speaker from New York oh so I'm standing on stage now this speaker suddenly it's Donald Trump's voice and you could see the salesman now we're gonna provide you some of the outstanding entertainment from Saturday Night Live there's all these amazing characters he went on and on and on about me that I bonded I look young I look your age but I'm nacho ace I'm old I fool myself I'd be in a mirror like ah [ __ ] you back to kill him hmm looking good for this baby didn't I take a couple of steps I'm like what the [ __ ] is wrong with my knee this was a good knee last year and my shoulder hurt it's gonna rain god damn my daddy knew when it was gonna rain my granddaddy knew no I got that power you don't know a 40 and older go through what's your name Robert tell you what I'm doing I go to the bathroom I pee I know how to pee I've been peeing for 42 years I shake I'm done unzip up I take a couple of steps I pee just a little bit more I was done I went boxer shorts I got on my socks I should never happen last year I gotta walk back in the real lobster with these things on my drawers [ __ ] change our whole week what else is happening with you now that you getting older well my wife and I had a baby and our yeah that's right you had a baby now we have a little baby girl which was our second choice since I was having my wife was less happy but though she's younger than me you know she still wants to do things you know leave the house you know friends know she says he got my glasses I was so I didn't think I was gonna need glasses and she said you're doing this all time huh there's a lot of classic music I like like old Judy Garland and yellow and she was older when she sing cuz at that point in her life she sounded like she was in a car off-roading that's why I like her I don't like too many singers today you know Chris Daniel era - shut up shut that mouth cuz over doesn't you know the whole oh oh like too much or some so we forget what song she's singing she sang the star-spangled banner lie of you and I feel bad for the crowd is there like Oh a single off oh no you can't sing along that that anthem loss a I should do that as a kid too and I was like oh man I don't want to be in kindergarten class you know when they're learning the alphabet now close together ABC I was going to be a thug man I had a family full of thugs these two trying to chase them around all the time but they never fully accepted me because I spent half my life in the suburbs and it's not gangster when they're having a gang meeting in the city and you have to commute to the hood that's not a gangster thing to do I'll be late for the game means a way you had dog in traffic [ __ ] it's crazy I stopped for a lot saying [ __ ] got real if you're gonna do that drive-by take the streets dog this is crazy and I smile too much man I thought my dad like this you know I'm just saying and white people can walk up to you on the street and actually put directions randomly yo thug levels not where we needs to be I'm like I'll stick them up like how do I get to Cahuenga ah take this gun take a left people are crazy watch your step having a good day where's a church where visitors can we treat it more playfully like a newsreel from the 1930s and news out of Hollywood today Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner has announced that he is fair having a she and guess what she's gorgeous in other news movie star Clark Gable has announced that he also is transitioning he'll soon be known as Cathy gable and he'd like to start a sequel to gone with the wind where he plays Scarlett O'Hara and quite frankly we do give a damn another angle oh there was a there was a there was an article yeah another way to get into it you're disgusting there was an article yes oh no USA Today goes can you can comedians make fun of transgenders they're asking that and then they have transgenders going yes as long as you don't mention the sexual parts like well that's the whole thing I think everybody has essentia more including transgender people you can make fun of me I don't care all right straight hair too sexual man hilarious well Dana well okay but Dana his name's Dana well if I do transition what I don't have to change my name if exactly that's an advantage don't believe me I've thought of that John do you have faith in God as a Jew uh yeah I do I believe God as a Jew because his son was Jewish whoa and uh not to be competitive but my god is your gods dad is not a new problem for me it has been dogging me for like a decade now and this this illustrates it when I was 20 years old I blacked out drinking and I fell asleep in my own bed which should be a safe zone it wasn't this evening okay my roommates broke into my room and shoved a stick of butter down my pants as weird as [ __ ] that's very weird as a weird thing to do and throughout the night it melted and congealed and when you wake up in the morning with no idea of what happened the night before and you see that you don't think is that melted congealed butter that's not the thought the thought is no what did you do to yourself you gotta start taking it easier at night oh and I did what any of us would do upon finding that I told nobody about it I'd say a word and since I didn't tell anybody about it my roommates were drunk when they did it to me they didn't bring it up to me so no one said anything and I spent eight months of my life convinced that I had the rarest STD on the planet positive because after I got out of the shower like I you take a shower right away and that also I realized that day that you can turn a stand up only shower into a sit down shower if you're sad enough like you can do it you know cuz that's where you can hug your whole body is really tell yourself you're not a bad person like your mom loves you you know that your dad might not the got out of that shame shower and I was like find out what you have look it up on the internet Google creamy discharge around the pelvis oh that's not a thing it doesn't exist on the Internet okay I'm the first one with this great patient zero for new AIDS awesome spent eight months thinking I had new AIDS every morning waking up being like is it back today I found out what happened eight months later eight months when another friend had passed out on her house and my roommates are like what so butter down his pants and I'm like in the kitchen like what did you say you're gonna do it what eat it what are you gonna put it what are you gonna fit what are you gonna do to him you're gonna what and the Google Blair House pass I'm like do have you done that before maybe to somebody in the house does this happen before somebody made does it happen and they're like we do see you there a little while back and I'm just like August 16 2006 is that the date is it it's like I got marks out of my calendar gang as the day I contracted new AIDS [Music] this is an exciting man cuz I quit my job at the grocery store oh my gosh I was working at this grocery store I hated it why is it when you hate your job they won't fire you it was the worst neighborhood man it was so hood and I hated my manager cuz he's like missing my cat people are stealing I need you to do something like just do something I live around here I know these folks what's gonna happen if I apprehend William he like half it is [ __ ] for you doc I know William struggle with me didn't run off William got away [Music] I'm broke as [ __ ] I just applied for a job at Taco Bell has anyone ever seen the job application at Taco Bell what [ __ ] is writing the questions on this application question number three and I quote how did you hear about Taco Bell what the [ __ ] how did I hear about Taco Bell I live on earth you piece of shits it's not the Illuminati I walked here from my house how do you think I heard of Taco Bell I googled diarrhea and your name came up they asked if you're currently employed let's go with no let's check the no box there Einstein who's leaving their current job to work at Taco Bell what piece of [ __ ] job do you right now I work at Del Taco what I'm trying to take it up a notch in the taco game today okay I know I actually tried cocktail serving once for seven and a half years I didn't I didn't love it cuz um cuz people get a little self unaware when they drink you know when I was working in the bar people drunk people are always asking me for drink recommendations I was I drink well shots should I take should I write right I'm like why are you melting you sound like Rihanna my name's Ryan I'm John I like you don't need a drink at all anymore you need to go home and record an album sounds amazing one of my biggest pet peeves as a server is when people would flag me over but then they weren't ready to order you guys if you like excuse me can we get some service over here hello and then I go over there I'm like yeah cuz I was a professional and they're like we don't know what to get well what do you think we should get we didn't we didn't look at what to get I'm like have you tried the [ __ ] out it's really good this time of now get out we had like a lot of celebrities come in the bar that I worked in I worked in a hotel and Suge Knight was one of our regulars yeah it was fun and he you guys know Suge Knight is clap if you know Suge Knight is don't respond okay okay he's like those big cakes you like do sir guy I don't know what he does he just wears red shirts um but he'd always come in the bar and like ask for stuff that we didn't have like I think he was just always looking for an excuse to like hang someone over the balcony you know what I mean so he'd be like I want some mac and cheese I'm like we don't have mac and cheese oh hi just got fired from Trader Joe's I farted on my manager and I filmed it and put it on the Instagram and I'm not supposed to do that yeah I do like locked in I just drank coffee you know and I had one brewing the head in the chamber and I seen a manager they had it coming you know I was like this will make a good interest ory and then I start filming I go up and looking on my Instagram we think I'm bullshitting it's like five posts to go you know and I say to my manager it was some far ass and then I farted oh no you hear good - I'm half Mexican and then I look at him I go what are you gonna do manager man what are you gonna write me up and then they fired me [ __ ] it just happened and then I filed for unemployment and they have a phone interview with an unemployment agent and he's trying to get information out of me and he's like would you get fired for it oh you know some stuff yeah and I've been arrested before I know you say nothing you know and then he's trying to get the reason out of me and and he tells me the more information you give me the more I'll be able to help you I'm like yeah right buddy I'm [ __ ] trust you dude but then he said I'm going to find out from your employer what really happened I was like oh [ __ ] I better tell him then you know there's two sides every fart i easy got to hear mine and then I was like you know I was filming on social media and a little little fart slipped out you know you can't prove that I pushed you know and then he starts laughing he goes a walk and then I was like I better sound smart right here and I was like yeah you know like flatulence and then you really started laughing and he said that's all the information I need me hung up and I was like oh man I'm not gonna get it and then a week later I got a letter in the mail and I didn't give it to work in customer service you have to have a certain level of tolerance for anger and aggravation and white people y'all a built to deal with anger and aggravation not [ __ ] I don't care how bad [ __ ] is going with a white customer service rep they like hostage negotiators I don't give a [ __ ] how mad you get they will talk you down they will sir and I understand and forgive me you to death sir what's the problem my [ __ ] PlayStation ain't working and I can't play online piss the [ __ ] off sir sir what's your name okay that's a great name whatever the problem is sir please believe we will get through this what game are you trying to play [ __ ] Madden football I love football what's your favorite team the Giants I love the Broncos go Giants by the time they fix that [ __ ] you being [ __ ] apologize look man I mean just going through without a [ __ ] you don't have an [ __ ] wife is leaving me my kids ain't [ __ ] I'm sorry it's okay sir my name is Chad if ever you need help again my extension is 487 and go Broncos black people [ __ ] [ __ ] standoff [ __ ] wrong with [ __ ] what [ __ ] I'm trying to figure it out maybe you need not talk to me like that man [ __ ] you [ __ ] shoot if you ain't [ __ ] suck my dick your mom a [ __ ] [ __ ] [Applause] high school why don't you tip me when they come through they just make noises in the order whatever and ever meet you then ask questions how's the salad it's green I don't know salad we're gonna down the meet you the Mexicans come through the drive-thru and maybe ordering and asking questions at the same time but they're really ordering hey welcome guys Jose blah okay home maybe to make chicken maybe having milk for boy Mindy Mindy boy you don't know to create Jose you don't know and in black hole older black women they come through and order crazy coffee's old ladies come through baby sneezes - coffee with with a pity cream and in the finish sugar let me give three drops of ice just ready to tow Starbucks a lot nothing special about Starbucks but I hang out there a lot and I've realized in doing that I think having any job in any kind of job interview at Starbucks that's got to be the most depressing thing on the planet cuz Starbucks is a rude company they don't do the job interviews in the back office like it for the company in the world no they don't do that the job interviews right in the cafe 2 p.m. so we can see the crushing defeat and chillier that's going on at that moment and like you feel bad from cuz you know Starbucks wasn't their first choice wasn't their 15th choice it's our only choice at Starbucks you know you know the getting asked condescending questions like not on purpose just like so do you have any leadership skills no I don't look like at Starbucks not sure if you saw that my college graduate I'm here life ain't happening all right well then now what are your long-term goals do not work here want to go home right now this is dumb and if you get the job you gotta serve Starbucks customers of which 95% are animals you know cuz you get some [ __ ] lady who's like I asked for extra phone with my latte it's like yeah well I asked for a reasonable job and respectable salary after I spent $80,000 on an English degree so you can go screw yourself all right regular will be fine yeah if you're a guy and you go to Starbucks a small black coffee and leave alright some of the stuff I see you order it's embarrassing as a male myself like dudes walking in being like a Java chip mocha no you won't then you won't because a Java chip mocha comes with the tampon and vagina before I started working in the dispensaries I've pretty much gotten fired from every single job that I've worked here I know shocking right it's not me it's Los Angeles like I've been fired from like serving jobs bartending jobs account managing jobs someone let me be a substitute teacher I want to know what job I haven't been fired from blow job I quit [Applause] I was there ten twenty seven five years man you guys got a real depressed right there man yeah I got hired for seasonal work and I stayed over a decade that's the true tragedy right there yeah Wow you guys ever been at a job so long you just make noises at it you know I was ringing up this one lady and I just was like huh and I didn't know that I did that you know and then she was like what was that I was like oh [ __ ] I did yeah and I was honest with her and I told her that was a little bit of my soul dying once can of organic broccoli at a time you can feel it in your eyes like dude it's [ __ ] done man and I'll do awesome shows like this you know at the world-famous Laugh Factory and sometimes I'll open up for famous [ __ ] on the road and I'll do theater gigs with thousands of people and then I would wake up and go work at traitor jokes that's so high high and some low lows right there I would literally do a theater gig then you go clock in and they'll be like Craig you need to go clean the toilets and then I would you guys never do a theater gig and wake up to a turd in the toilet I was looking at it I was like I was like goddamn rock star last night this is [ __ ] man he doesn't talk back and then sometimes I would get recognized and they would people would bring up would be like hey dude I saw you out The Wiltern New Year's Eve you [ __ ] killed it we got and then they would be like you really do work at Trader Joe's and then I say adness would come over again you know when you're checking into a hotel you ever wonder what in the [ __ ] are they typing on the computer that's taken so long you have my reservation but you know I'm coming what's going on here you give him your name in there back there Shelagh when you check people in is it m6 you look good let's talk at lunch [ __ ] what's your last name sir it's like are you realigning a satellite back there [Music] jerem the noise come out of your body you never heard before it's always somewhere quiet like a bank like beer online and you know what your stomach sounds like and you know what your ads not like sometimes this area what was that did you hear that maybe that chicken sandwich wasn't dead I heard some come at me over here legally I'm gonna [ __ ] an owl do you feel it moving he's trying to get out I always wanted to fill my [ __ ] with confetti so this way when I farted what who was that man everybody funds that this country is divided now with Mattie no Mattie race age gender political affiliation religion handicap sexual orientation we all fart everybody in this room farts somebody is farting in here right now besides me I mean somebody else I do bet you somewhere in this room there's a woman in here who's had the far for at least 15 minutes she knows if she lets it out she's with the bill for the drinks I admire that one was gonna fart she hold it inside she's with people it's [ __ ] amazing I can't imagine living that kind of lifestyle I've been let them go as they call my whole life fart shows up far goes out like okay can you imagine living that I guess guys imagine all the farts you've ever had said you were 15 and holding them in your whole [ __ ] life that's my woman too crazy you know hold the parts for 30 years they eats away the brains they wait till they get home they stand out in the yard and for rambling and all the grass around of Dyson those crop circles aren't aliens the farmer's wife I've fired a lot after sex I think it's because my muscles won't do any more work but yeah shoots will clinch and stop the music it's kind of full out of him too late there any [ __ ] me so it's your fault have some standards next time I've been here for four days and I have farted on that elevator at least 37 times last time they all knew as me they all knew at the same time it was like that fat guy just farted everybody thinks the fat guy is the guy who farted so if we got a fart just fart near a fat guy like what the [ __ ] nemetes Chang Magus that [ __ ] fair so pack the elevator I bend over to tie my shoe it's like a gunshot hi how you doing hi can you press 34 please nothing to [ __ ] say there's nothing to say after you park your perp you'll excuse me for now excuse me doesn't [ __ ] cover it yeah excuse you seems to be something to say by now like may God have mercy on us all thank you could you cover your ass please I don't want my kids to see there's a lot of fun jokes cause usually when you date a girl she's chill till you [ __ ] her what's happened to you recently he's like I just got rid of a clinger I can help you I can save you okay this is gonna save a life because I finally figured it out it took me five years [ __ ] jokes this is like a PSA okay cuz a lot of guys think it's the sex they think it's your like dick cuz you'll go out with your friends and we start sending you 4050 texts whatever don't count and you guys are like I don't know I [ __ ] her once now she won't stop texting me I think I'd dignitize her sticked her down so good I'm telling you guys it's not the dick good dick is great but it's the after dick it's the cuddling why do you guys fake cuddle like we fake orgasms you [ __ ] fake cuddle knock that [ __ ] off it's [ __ ] up our heads okay why do [ __ ] go crazy cuz you hold us all night then we blow up your phone and you don't answer if we blow up your car that's on you sorry you know what to write no girl wants to know ones like I want to ruin a guy's life no but we catch feelings when you cuddle us we can't help it and so you guys know I'm not mad at you the guys look scared it's not your fault I used to think it was your fault it's not you know why they don't feel what we feel coz they are asleep that's the truth they calm their dick and brain explode together it's just brain dead only reason they wake up is if they get horny again like their dick wakes them back up somehow otherwise they're knocked out but guys just so you know women don't sleep not really not for months every girl here knows the beginning is when we trick you guys into thinking we're perfect so we can't fart we can't drool I won't let my face touch the pillow like you can't no I wear makeup like I will walk to McDonald's to [ __ ] for a year every girl will leave your house no one shits in your house think about it you've never seen a girl [ __ ] in your house the first year no we leave and then you guys think we're so sweet you're like oh my god this one brings me coffee every morning yeah we have to true you can't come back with nothing right what are we gonna tell you sorry went to Chevron had to [ __ ] like ladies men lovers it's 2029 or whatever year you want to identify as but if someone wants to leave after sex like it might not be you it might be there that person is to fart like very bad name and they don't know you very well like this girl's like why are you trying to leave you want to stay in cuddle for a little bit and I was like yeah I'm a golden retriever of a human being I would never refuse a cuddle dibs little spoon let's do this thing don't laugh I love to be held you know so I got in there snuggling right in his little spoon and I had to realize I had to far immediately and I don't know if you guys know like the geometry of little spoon but like I couldn't even like sneak it you know I couldn't I couldn't like fart like my feet smell bad I don't know I didn't do that you know like she would like I had to the pressure was on like yeah so like for an hour and a half that's how long I last it I like I just like I just like held in a fart you know you guys we've all done that before we like let the gas like build all the way to like the precipice of your of your sphincter and then you like and then you suck it up your butt tube again you guys know that one if you're not laughing you're [ __ ] liar yeah we can all do the old butts up and push tons of [ __ ] hey I'm a scientist we're all designed to say you know so for like an hour and a half I was just doing like flawless but sucks I got like just like like that was the noise I'm sure I have a strong noble sphincter like it didn't betray me once you know I found out last week and hardest thing for me to do is take a [ __ ] at a house party cuz if you're the house party everybody accounted for they don't [ __ ] that bathroom up only way you're taking [ __ ] of the house parties if you go on the bathroom lock the door [ __ ] climb out the window and then go back around into the party help you figure out who's [ __ ] is in that bathroom you stand in the car like I think he or she climbed out the window I'm in the party my stomach [ __ ] up I'm doing a thing where you hold your drink and Bobby your head and a music playing you're just trying to figure out what you're gonna do it your stomach what you came focus cuz your stomach like oh [ __ ] I got to the point I couldn't hold it I went to my guy it was his house I say hey man I got [ __ ] in your bathroom he was like I gosh I was like you got me he shook my hand with the drug hand shake y'all know just draw a can shake right when you pull your hand back and see the money or drugs in your hand I pulled my hand back there just a little Visine sighs Bobby and they said poo pourri anybody ever heard of this [ __ ] on the city booty people know what I'm talking about in the crowd right I've never heard of your [ __ ] I read the instructions apparently you put poo pourri in the toilet this [ __ ] creates a force field above the atmosphere the toilet it stops the smell from getting I don't know the science behind [ __ ] I'm dance but I'll try anything I'll put the drops in the toilet I sit down I start shaking three minutes go by and I don't smell nothing I got comfortable I stepped outside my pants you [ __ ] it we're here right you'll be [ __ ] so good you leaned back on the top of the toilet I've never been so confident [ __ ] in the party right ten minutes go by get up I'm flush the toilet wash my hands I'm swinging open it's a line of people I'm like come on get in his all y'all the guy walked in behind me he took about five steps as I'm walking away I hit him go what the [ __ ] I brush back in the bathroom I hate man was going on I'll smell know what you're talking about he points at the toilet and it is the most [ __ ] stains I have ever seen in my life it look like the [ __ ] was holding on to the side of the toilet go down I have a big fan sighs I hit man I don't know what that's about I wasn't doing cocaine off the sink this commercial came on for like Sleep Number beds or ambien or justifiable homicide was something where the guy was just snoring like crazy and I said that sounds like you and he just immediately said will you fart in your sleep which I feel like is the best insult ever because I have no idea now I have to buy a tape recorder to figure out like [ __ ] with me or if my sleep flatulence is the real reason I'm single to be continued on that one it felt like I like swallowed a water wig like I was like I was very buoyant by the time that it was time for me to go okay and I left without many words like I couldn't really talk like any whole like any whole I opened I was just like fart out of it all right so I left her house and I got on a red line which you know we all live here for the most part like that's a smelly train like I said that was a great train to practice fart again yeah so I was like I mean I've been waiting for this I earned this like let loose butthole and I I did that thing were you like fart like the most you can fart you guys you guys know that one like really like we really like follow through on the fire like you split the [ __ ] uprights like field goal like I got extra credit that I didn't do yeah like I [ __ ] my [ __ ] pants the gray there on the train standing - I was standing up and I wish I could say like like just a shark but like full full blown Dookie my god I loaded my pants like I was wearing it depends you know and I accidentally made eye contact with this lady so like she knew she like she brought would have known like she was a veteran like she was a veteran of life you know like she was an elderly lady you know like she'd seen generations of men [ __ ] is what I'm trying to say she saw that she's like oh yeah you've just [ __ ] your pants it's a good healthy [ __ ] you going to Penn shoot she wasn't Australian but she was tough enough to be you know so I couldn't take this Australians gays any longer so so I got off the train and I ordered an uber which yeah polite audience pretty rude thing to do in after this guy like and as soon as Paul like in his beautiful Corolla pulled up like I can I cancelled it you know like which is my mom raised me better than that but like like we've all cancelled an uber before but has anyone ever done it without like looking at Paul yeah uber pulled up and I was like I'm sorry Paul the car didn't boom I can't get in there Corollas immaculate like so finally I just got on a Chicago city bus cuz turns out that's where I belonged the whole time they're like you sir smell of poo welcome aboard you'll find in the back there are three or more of your companions back in our honor they're coated in it you guys can share like two and three men have poo somewhere on them in a Chicago City pods I think the thesis of that story because you guys we've been hanging out for a little bit I tell pretty smart jokes they all have thesis 'as you guys like know you talked about llamas earlier the thesis of that joke is that farts are the screams of trapped poo so just listen to your body and what let me tell you this if your plan to get a woman is by sending her a picture that's how you want to get her attention don't send her a picture of your penis send her a picture of fries women [ __ ] you hear that women [ __ ] no fries oh my god have you seen women with fries come to the table at a restaurant it was their [ __ ] thing oh my god fries are you actually surprised you just ordered that oh my god fries women aren't women women are on a diet you want to share some fries women who only have us out I'm Sal Belize put some fries with me I'm hungover I can't even think I saw some fries women [ __ ] love fries oh my god would be like ads fries think it's so excited about fries curly fries oh my god girl a fresh truffle fries discriminate have you ever seen them that excited to see your dick No [Music] I read a lot for stand-up I travel a lot recently I stayed in hands-down one of the worst hotels I've ever stayed at I stayed in a Ramada has anyone ever stayed at a Ramada holy [ __ ] I was at the continental breakfast I watched a guest pour waffle batter into the toaster he filled it all the way up I saw him staring at me so he saw me staring at him so he stopped maintained eye contact and then he just topped it off I was like I have to talk to this man so I went up to him I said excuse me sir what are you doing and he goes huh I'm making french toast and I was like actually that machine doesn't make french toast and he goes no but it makes toast here's the thing he's right a toaster does make toast so to a man pouring waffle batter into a [ __ ] toaster I had to be like yeah give it a shot I don't know if it works I'll take a piece I'm an idiot I was hanging out with my uncle's friend the other day you guys ever hang out at my uncle's friend [Laughter] he's one of these dudes who's a he's a fun guy he's just as much this guy's is just like he's just overexcited about mediocre food you know like we went to Denny's you know and he was like the whole time he's like this is excellent what do you call it like I don't know it's moons over my hammy oh cool Axl this is Axl what do you call like well you're just eating mayonnaise it this car is crying trying to learn to cook people always say how easy is to cook but it is not any easier than not cooking oh just get a really good virgin olive oil pile of Milk Duds pile of nuts no just slice up just a couple of magic squeezie cheeze on finger can of wine no just preheat yeah hot power bar from glove compartment Oh doodly-doo doodly-doo doodly-doo ooh fresh from the oven [Applause] I'm very concerned about celebrity chef Paula Deen because her recipes are like a suicide note you know we're gonna be making some sweet dreams little balls of butter shouting and Crisco fat back cracking Global suet ma cherie may may young lay each day I wake to a fresh nightmare pain is too great I'm gonna roll in some granulated sugar powdered sugar candy candy cow Gomez snakes man toast cookies some don't look for me I've made a plan and I will follow through with it kind of treasures and somehow first heavy cream whipping cream sour cream ice cream cake Bon Appetit goodbye you know my favorite food is fajitas I love fajitas do you like fajitas never get those yeah you do right they're good because it's more than a meal it's very exciting when you order a fajita you order them and then a couple minutes later they bring them out and it is allowed smoke it's like fourth of July everyone's like oh my god what is that [ __ ] is that big triela smoke who got that you got that that is an exciting meal it's all over the place then they bring you the rest of the [ __ ] then it turns into an arts and crafts project another level of excitement tortillas you've always a little sour cream guac salsa you're dissipating stuff glitter whatever the [ __ ] they bring out you could cluing [ __ ] on it very exciting then it turns in the fourth of July again when it explodes out of your [ __ ] like an hour later yeah real quick anybody ever call in sick to work because you ate too much at breakfast I'm the weirdo all right your Excuse should never include the word bacon that's all your balls don't want to hear that I myself I'm a pretty adventurous eater you don't get this physique without taking a few chances I will eat anything just try me you stood not so much I was a vegetarian for the past three years until recently that's not a joke I know it looks like a joke yeah I'm aware fat vegetarian good job idiot they kicked me out of the club like dude this is bad PR they they didn't need me wandering the streets go veg I did I did read the pamphlet properly I don't know what happened I tried it cuz I thought I could lose some weight and for three years ain't nothing but rice and tofu and veggies and cupcakes and donuts and fried pies fried cheese and cream cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches and I couldn't lose any weight guys the stupid diet I don't recommend it yeah I gave all that up though I'm back on the meat train I'm a born-again carnivore yeah now I'm eating meat with a vengeance just Honey Baked hams live rabbits whatever just put it in my face and back off I'm in my rotisserie chicken phase right now nothing more satisfying sitting down eating a whole chicken I don't know if you've tried that look into it pretty exhilarating very productive way to eat you sit down to eat a whole chicken even if you do nothing else for the rest of the day like [ __ ] I ate a whole chicken I'm done clocking out call it a day how many chickens you eat shut up doing something I do this weird thing now I don't know why I do it but when I'm done with the chicken I don't take the bones and put them in the trash I'll gather up the bones and throw them out in my backyard just like get out of here chicken get out there where you belong I don't know why I do it I think it's like a weird subliminal warning to any nearby animals just to let them know what I'm capable of you guys see what happened over here alright squirrel I'm watching you the problem is you know it's like all I really do is go around the country tell dick jokes drink Crown Royal hang out with nice people like you or I stay home get high and eat ice cream yeah but now my wife is replaced ice cream with yogurt [ __ ] yogurt I'm like and I put Crown Royal in it cuz I'm behind it still tastes like [ __ ] can't go out for a good meal anymore always used to go for steak or Italian now my wife takes me to Thai food and I like Thai food I don't trust any food from a country full of skinny people that's why they pray to a fat God because they're still [ __ ] hungry it's like dear Buddha can I please have a double bacon cheeseburger I'm so sick of bamboo shoots and water chestnuts and seaweed to taste like fish piss I just recently lost 40 pounds yeah good news is I saw my dick for the first time only this big I got fat on buffets you know buffets I started eating buffets and it was because when I grew up my dad used to like take buffet is really serious it was kind of like a like a football game for him you know he'd get his weight a big family big Irish family and he'd gather us in the lobby you know he'd be like get in here here's how we're working this [ __ ] he's like I'm not [ __ ] around this is 3995 bread and water that's a waste of time I don't want to see anybody eating bread and water's only be used if you're choking like all this green [ __ ] over here the beets and the celery and the carrots that's not why we're here let's focus sugars fats and beef you want the turkey you want the ham you want the roast beef you don't get you start bawling your eyes out no carving up for you most important thing is desserts you fill your plate with everything single dessert they have if somebody gives you [ __ ] you say it's for the table yeah at the end of it all I'm gonna fake a heart attack grab the chef by the throat you guys fill your pockets of food meet me in the lobby ready I should say Sakura she's the smarter we eat healthy you know which is totally annoying I mean I'm white bread in like six years what's wrong with white bread I didn't know there was anything wrong with white bread I grew up eating white bread now all we have in our house is that Brown whole grain oat wheat [ __ ] with peanuts and acorns sticking out the side of it she buys like she it's chia seed flax weed or something I don't know it looks like it has fleas the loaf of bread looks like it has fleas it's rusted I'll try to make a sandwich I got this round if we're gonna with a loaf of trail mix okay I got lunch till I open up the fridge and see something like you know I don't know cage-free almond milk or some weird [ __ ] soy I don't even know that's right it's very frustrating for me you know because the other married guys they got to sneak out of their house to eat doughnuts you know I got a sneak out of my house to drink two percent hell is that I'm like hiding in the car oh yeah these cows were not treated humanely I hated a diner this week cuz things are going well and if you have the money you should treat yourself you know what I mean diners are my favorite restaurants cuz they have everything you could ever want no matter what you know what I mean dine arrest diner menus have like a hundred and eighty items on the menu and they're all ready immediately which is not how food works diners are the only restaurants that have lobster and pancakes on the same page of a menu and even if they get your order wrong the right one is still ready they're like here's your pancakes you're like I ordered lobster they're like oh sorry here's your Lobster you're like I don't want that lobster that was in your apron like women you know you take a picture when you're on you know at the club right after the comedy show you take a picture with your girls and then you gotta like look at the picture before you post it I gotta see what I look like in that [ __ ] you know like I do that know like I take a picture because I'm self-conscious about my stomach now like I take pictures of mine let me see that [ __ ] real quick nah bro let me sucking my good take another one right so like real like it [ __ ] with me no I hate people tag me I'm like dude what's up with that stomach I gotta work on this [ __ ] right play I was at my cousin's birthday party last month these are gangbangers we're taking pictures these [ __ ] no gang signs and [ __ ] I'm gonna I'm gonna sign like a chick sucking in my stomach like this hurry up take the picture and I was I couldn't see what I'd look like an issue yeah [ __ ] good and this thing man like would you get over you know simple [ __ ] of kill you simple food will kill you manly did you know when you get over 35 a glass of milk will [ __ ] you up for two weeks just regular move the red cap the whole milk now I know why people don't drink that [ __ ] like fruit I drink a big glass of milk the other night fell asleep like a [ __ ] baby through I fell asleep like I just had to make it cheap that man the next morning I woke up I was bloated through my stomach was after here my back was heard and I was gassy I was farting all over the house of [ __ ] I was cramping up I was freaking out my get my everybody Henry ran out the [ __ ] is happening I got a 14 year old daughter I was asking like you get that you get that yup I got my period right now I'm gonna win your gears I'm the 21st cool mine's in the 23rd [Music] I like that I like that voice a lot like marijuana not even once or like ESPN was brought to you by deodorant you know I like doing that voice that's fun for me and feels kind of good on the throat I think that guy I think that guy has a shady [ __ ] life so I could you could you imagine that you work at a pizza place and you pick up the line you're like Hello Papa raised and I'm gonna want to hear like a hello I would like a meatlovers pizza you just be like [ __ ] kids are terrified and they just be at home like oh I'm so hungry [Music] Jimmy commercials when you watch football too many crashes you watch you watch commercials there's always a slates and in shape people do in food commercials it's not true you guys they don't eat that [ __ ] I was watching TV there was a beat-up family-pack commercial not I'm the most attractive people you have ever seen in your life there wasn't one fat [ __ ] the entire commercial she saw these models going new from Pizza Pizza it's family packed get whatever you want on it and share with the family what is that the commercial should not be that the commercial should be like me on a couch going a new pizza Pete that's family path let's be honest [Music] puggy tall thing I might save a couple pieces for when I wake up I'll have something but it's like gonna need one thing my III I've been feeling better about myself as of March 1st I've lost a little over 110 pounds here's the fun part Laugh Factory I'm still [ __ ] fat like what the [ __ ] you have to do normally when you lose a ninth-grader off your body you'd feel ass coach bit better about yourself who's getting bad man I was getting big had to worry about diabeetus you gotta worry about diabeetus that disease does not [ __ ] around diabetes just like the mob if you [ __ ] up they're gonna take your foot one toe at a time [Applause] who's getting bad man I was over 400 pounds I was like I was like a couple of sandwiches away from having my own show on TLC I was one big Thanksgiving dinner away from [ __ ] in bathtubs rest of my life okay it was Code Red I know I I found out I was the fat guy when I got on a plane in March and I realized that I was that fat [ __ ] that nobody wants to sit next to on a flight here's when you figured that out while you're lumbering down the aisle trying to find your seat you go on the look of panic on people's faces when they thought I was gonna sit next to theirs so sweaty why is he so I sat in the middle seat I just looked those pillows all right guys I'm sorry I'm gonna [ __ ] up this flight with both you I'm hungover I got diarrhea I'm gonna be up and down up and down trying to lose some weight that's why I watched a lot of workout porn and work out porn basically is just two people [ __ ] in on a bench press okay that's all it is i watch this one guy this guy picks up this girl in midair and he starts like ripping her out in midair like Nanji yeah holy [ __ ] I start thinking back to some of the girls I brought home my life like I might waste even try to attempt that it would be an event the World's Strongest Man competition man were here at the 2017 world Strongest Man competition uh first day is Russ Williamson Russ's first lip will be Natalie [Laughter] is fun fact about Natalie Natalie had an entire pizza family packed for dance competition so she has locked stocked and ready to go what's missing first lift let's go the sidelines to talk to Ross Ross how'd you do it tell me you can't [ __ ] Bach's cello it's cold takes four hours to set by the time it's ready you're not even hard anymore it's a logistical nightmare anyway so I'm [ __ ] this pizza right yeah Friday nights of pizza [ __ ] crowd I dig it I love that joke cuz I can look out in the audience and see every dude in the crowd going I wonder what kind of pizza it was then it was a pepperoni pizza that's what I've [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] pepperoni maybe I'm just old school man I like classic cars vinyl records [ __ ] pepperoni pizzas these kids today they'll [ __ ] anything pineapple pizza they're putting their dicks in hot pockets not me man pepperoni every time maybe stuffed crust but only if I'm drunk [Applause] one of the dumbest jokes I've ever really liked I mean I'm in a relationship as well it's uh it's nice to be in a relationship I wasn't sure it was gonna happen for a very long time and he's a nice guy but we're not perfect you know we've been dating for years and we're in our 30s and not married so yeah I'm pissed [Music] what the [ __ ] do I put in my goddamn time do you know what I mean I didn't think he realizes how easy it would be you know like he doesn't even have to give me a diamond to could give me a piece of salami I'll react the same way [Laughter] time to get away just head sprout bite his dick and he's a nice guy I'm not used to dating nice guys I'm sure we've all dated a Raider fan or to you know to me just real pieces of trash guys where you look at them you're like no no no you don't even need to take off your shirt I know you have a Yosemite Sam tattoo on your chest I know that hmm but he's a nice guy and I dated such terrible people I haven't been able to like entire things after them you know like I dated a guy that cheated on me with a girl from Oregon so guess who's never going to Oregon mm-hmm no that's where the [ __ ] live just call it [ __ ] again save me a joke what are you doing thank you solo clapper I don't know if you like beer like this is delenn i'm killing tonight's are you from Oregon are you a fat troll named Lori just getting um over at you guys a mom fat troll tattoo get out of here [ __ ] you my impression of a DJ ordering pizza yeah a large pepperoni pizza place with with dipping sticks and extra sauce for this takes place yeah and yeah and for my sauce I want I want that whenever ah yeah yeah yeah yeah [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Laugh Factory

Views: 1,288,859

Keywords: laugh factory, best stand up comedy, stand up comedy, funny, Laugh, stand up, standup, Los Angeles, Hollywood, comic, comedian, hilarious, la, los angeles comedy, la comedy, compilation, Flashback Fridays, FBF, food, farts, customer service, pizza, snl, saturday night live

Id: gvFz-ZdG8M8

Length: 70min 0sec (4200 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 26 2019