Jay - Headlines (2007) Part 01

[Applause] [Music] alright nobody minds staying at a hotel in China this was on the nightstand it's in Chinese in English can you see what it says dear guests hello if the journey of fatigue so you feel tired and then invited us here to have the cleanest water here for the way you wash away the prostitution now you just want to wash away the prostitution when you check you know some of the young women many young women go into modeling and you always think old Victoria's Secret there's a lot of modeling jobs out there that aren't necessarily lingerie your clothing this is mazey line the ultimate drug-free nation irrigation device now look at this young woman modeling this fabulous [Music] yeah my daughter's the model she does the all the nasal irrigation ads God kids grew up so fast now Kevin Cleveland intermediate students join the mile-high club story about one of our heroic troops when our heroic soldiers rather weak served in Operation Desert Storm you know remember they had that down at the Cheesecake Factory remember cavity I guess these kids parents were all excited when they told their picture was gonna be on the front page of the local newspaper how about that huh the band's picture is on the front page and look how happy those kids are for the high school bands fabulous picture of all the kids yeah big sale sixty percent off cold weather woman's ass [Applause] says happy hallo happy holidays this holiday season don't drive and drive I this is a Chinese restaurant I'm sure they have excellent food keV it's just again the translation look at the name of this restaurant eat number two first [Applause] I think the shuttle astronauts it says astronauts prepare for shuttle launch I think just standing a little too close to the rocket okay lost male cat orange tiger striped in the South Raja Street area answers to the name reject I know why the cat ran off well this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen cover your washer or dryer with a stylish slipcover look at that a washing machine cozy look at that how beautiful hey Bob what's that in the corner another piece of furniture oh no it's my washing machine I just put this beautiful slipcover over quick muzzle for cats okay if you can put that on your cat you're a better man that cat is either dead or stuffed okay or something there's something no cat is going to sit there all well thank you very much this is a story on atheists it says some atheists claim they are persecuted yeah especially the ones that have Christmas tree is the lost and found lost crucifix little man fell off I think this must belong to one of those atheists oh Jesus is that his name god he's a little man on the crucifix really damn you know my diet is not the best now it's not but even I would not eat this look at this special value refried sugar its refried sugar I never heard of this I know I heard of Velveeta cheese you ever have this delicious Velveeta juice I guess was it if you squeeze the cheese Oh stupid is this this is well that kind of single guy then wants to make an impression on the ladies handcrafted leather gum case [Applause] [Laughter] can I offer you a stick of gum is that your initial boy yes it is we can make a chain later with the wrapper how much is it hold 695 seems like a bad add this is a man for a Chevrolet Isuzu for a great ride call Laura look at this use prom dress 100 dollars now those can run a lot of money right women prom dresses can run in five six seven hundred dollars prom dresses look it's size 304 that's a big girl prom dress this is the worst put together a headline I've ever seen you can read it yourself [Applause] here's another one Ambrose our new on racks boy sexual harassment is becoming a huge problem in this country isn't it look at this three more deer hit on in County this one made me laugh this is an ad from about I would say 20 years ago they're actually bragging about this each day humble supplies enough energy to melt 7 million tons of glacier this giant glacier has a main unmelted a sentry gets the petroleum energy humble supplies can melt it 80 times in a second Mobil warming what are you talking about okay here's a list of hit songs when a man loves a woman Percy Sledge Unchained Melody The Drifters this big a song rainy night in George okay one more okay this just the headline combined with the picture combined with the man's hand it just doesn't seem like a good combination you can read it yourself [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] he's a strange card it says for a special sister and brother on your anniversary this card it takes a lot to create that kind of special marriage it certainly does I think it's called inbreeding here's the space-age crossbow a crossword puzzle for kids I did not know this keV did you know this thing about mr. hammer can you get in closer Ellen did you know Neil Young is the first human to walk on the moon shows you how times change I guess this was cute in its day it seems creepy now look at this look at this card be a nice little girl on Valentine's Day a prison for this now you said this guy oh how stupid is this happy Valentine's they love your pet then send a Valentine message in the newspaper like your pet is gonna read that in the newspaper oh you know there's so many special gifts you can give chocolates roses but really what says Valentine's more than a colon hydrotherapy it's Valentine's Day when you abbreviate it it doesn't work okay singles can still enjoy VD see it sound they were selling this at Albertson's I didn't know what this is Valentine's love polled 6.5 inch [Music] all right if you're Jewish this is when you know you have a bad rabbi or a bad moil policeman loses nose in circumcision ceremony boy that's next time wet your glasses you know I am NOT a good speller or maybe this is what they meant look at this free estimate what a terrible name the g-spot barbershop yeah wise men can find the place I love this recipe beef with pea pods if you're serving Chinese it serves four to six serving Americans calves what do I love criminals detective Kyle Wilson said Daniel Brown donned a ski mask and a jacket armed himself with a handle from a hydraulic floor jack and walked to his grandfather's home next door he then put the mask on went into his grandpa's room and said this is a robbery I noted all your money and I mean it paw paw grandpa said ganyo cops arrested him what an idiot give me all your money papa I think I see why this theater is empty nostalgia theater owner lets a big one go here's death's door the true story behind Michigan's largest mass murder death's door look makes a great holiday gift fitness for all 24-hour fitness center fitness for all and look you get free pizza and tootsie rolls sheriff's log 840 Tuesday report was filed regarding a theft that occurred the 4000 block of 29th Avenue police believe the theft occurred sometime between November and Tuesday November [Laughter] here's a problem that could have been solved very simply Wednesday May 13th 9:45 vehicle driven by Archie Brown of Benin struck a cow in the road causing $800 damage to his vehicle Wednesday May 13 10 o'clock Shirley grabbed stove Palestine Palestine ran over a dead cow causing 500 outlets in her vehicle Wednesday 1004 Mike Higgins of Omaha drove our dead cow did $59 move the cow his Caribbean liquors look at their deal mention this edge your taxi driver will give them a free drink well that's a good idea [Applause] looking for a pet to adopt why not adopt a LESBIAN dog can you identify this person a free one-year subscription Wisconsin State Farm will be water if you could identify this person I don't know maybe it's Ted Fahey [Applause] I don't know if I was beep if I was building a theme park for children I would not make this one of the rides I don't want my child going down this ride okay I'm gonna tell you the story I'm gonna tell you why it's a bad headline Sioux Falls mystery solved apparently they had a statue of general hooker the famous Civil War general general hooker the statue was stolen but the head was recovered of the statute okay statue of hooker was stolen they found the head but not the rest of us - look at the headline hookers body gone but great head remembered by many I since it's Valentine's Day we're gonna show you actual weddings these are people with interesting names that just perchance / fate met each other and fell in love is the rather grim wedding there's the strange and slappy wedding the hey sailor's wedding the small husband wedding it's the reamer or allure wedding all right how about the manly pickle winner the lusty Johnson winner how about the wrinkled Johnson way it's the Weiner frost wedding I do believe these two people met but it's the pecker paradise way crater crotch wedding it's the couple of dicks wedding the beaver Weaver [Applause] Burbank California nine one five two three [Music] this is the Thai corner restaurant look at the top item fried rice rice I'm hoping they're assuming this is just a typo and not a editorial comment president but honors black history by recognizing good work today just a fine rate 5.7 percent look at the tough says no fine print no fine print you go down the fine print rates a variable and subject to change after you counted over catch come up with a better name for this place yes delicious dumbass taco yeah dumbass taco on sale Ronzoni pasta three four ninety-nine three four ninety nine must buy for fourth one twenty nine ninety five [Applause] now these are bunch of ladies that were hats and I think they meant to say Hatter's instead old haters raise money for yeah I never heard of this hard chicken 78 cents of 5 he's a tough chicken our bet this is the most honest car ad I've ever seen 91 blaze a four-door loaded with miles [Applause] you know CEM I'm not a good speller and I admit that okay I'm not a poof reader I don't put ads in magazines hey go strawberry and blueberry waffles how much of the wall foods these are people paying people you know they have a pet you want to give it away you're moving you want someone to adopt your pet right squirrel in a wheelchair [Applause] plus a kitten how to install install a door light go from plane to perfection oh yeah it's just two feet tall let me explain what happened here it says got belly fat and they show a fat guy and because it's a fat guy I think somebody at the newspaper like thought it was a woman and drew a bra on it and it just gets worse got belly fat what is that is that a man [Applause] here's Scott Graham of NASA you think you're having a bad day Scott you might want to move a little to the left this is the Duluth News Tribune how how stupid do we get in this country it's presidents day and we salute our finest president Benjamin Franklin people think Benjamin Franklin was president we get this on jaywalking who's the first president Benjamin Franklin shut up you idiot okay look at this people make their own problems okay please help me my lover and I have been disagreeing lately and are considering couples counseling however he keeps insisting that we see the marriage counselor he and his wife are currently saying I think I see the problem right here now this what happens when you put two banisters to closed a banister too close to another picture for the guy smoking a cigar [Applause] here are some help health tips for older adults any older adults watching here are some health tips to beat the cold keep your temperature in the low in the 68 degrees or even higher if you're sick you feel cold put on a sweater crap yourself in a blanket and turn up the heat you know I would not turn up the heat after look at this ad get married in a furniture store $99 have your funeral in furniture store $99 balls for 150 dollars do anything at a furniture store buying furniture in a furniture he has his somebody dyslexic like me back to school special eat kids free [Applause] I love this Meridian goes crazy for Brian White a kind of giddy madness came over Meriden Tuesday night as country music st. Brian White appeared in concert he was the cause of many heart palpitations and non-stop screams and teenage girls during his fabulous show written by Ryan White this is not a good idea Reilly camera for all your photo needs all photos are true photo prints and each is analyzed a high sushi right on Studio City this ad troubles me I don't know why or is it don't I don't know man I I was just thinking AJ I wasn't sayin man meets match with six-foot fish he speared on an 2 pound sturgeon after it swam up his ice hole on Lake come out your ice hole or hardboard one more Mike my this apparently I guess this is a disease that strikes only Native Americans all right it looks very painful [Applause] [Music] I just like that both these stories are on the same page look at this one age no reason to stop driving experts say Ellen pull out senior collides with train what's coming the other look at this it's President Bush accompanied by first lady barbara Bush and that's that's bad when you get mistaken for your mother-in-law isn't it oh man Wow here's something like that sheep thing cab fare average candidate is 44 and 31% females can we have a celebrity headline oh yeah you know I'm always thrilled when celebrities watch this show and go out of their way to find a headline now and I got a letter that I'm gonna save no not many I don't have people remember June Lockhart Timmy's mom Agadir J is this anything she doesn't say she's asking and I was a cute show lassies mom where she writes their Juna like when I was a kid I used to watch lassie every week I'm thrilled that Jun Allah I am I'm really thrilled weekend longer I gotta save this letter and here's the thing she said it's from the Santa Monica paper this is so typical peer restroom design approved city engineers have been working on the restroom project for 10 years 10 years to put a bathroom on the pier in Santa Monica how constipated you have to be awake well thank you miss Lockhart the core I can't call it June he's Timmy's mom so thank you guys here's the orient restaurant look at that traditional Chinese food expertly repair say you got a broken one time normally you throw it away you bring it out here they confuse it Oh for sale enlargement pump only used twice can't put this off to the side you know I've seen some bad names for restaurants and I'm sure it's a fine delicatessen I'm sure that's actually a terrific deal look just a bad name the cat box deli I don't know hey what's that smell it's the deli gee wonder why look at this headline rabbis are in short supply in Germany [Music] I wonder what could have happened while they're not walking there well I love the name of this restaurant it's the squat and gobble - I like the slogan gateway to the cell take the girls down to squat and gobble after we games they have to go to the cat box deli you get our Chinese food prepared you know people are strange you know murder-for-hire I don't understand it but apparently I guess this is what sealed the deal have said convicted murderer may get paroled according to 2001 with beacon article Assistant District Attorney Lee Bollinger said Shirley Spaulding paid evidence strickland between fifteen hundred and ten thousand dollars and two sweet potatoes to kill her husband look we're out ten grands you do the job not enough I'll throw in two sweet here's a hard guy to pick out a lineup figure that out here's a real [ __ ] from Des Moines Iowa this guy would impersonate police a police officer a knock on people's doors pretend to be a cop think of this man charged posing as police offered Des Moines man had been arrested in charge of person he police offer police said Des Moines home owners became suspicious when the young man alleged ring the bell and said LAPD I mean Des Moines police [Applause] you got one line you can't remember well look at this little weasel you are win or two when using the fabulous money-saving money mailer coupon when fixing myself something to eat I glanced at the counter and saw a money Marylyn envelope which said you could win $750 on the outside flap or in through it and found I had won $750 looking last line I'm sharing it with my grandmother since the envelope was addressed to her [Applause] we move a little weasel why use a knife and a fork why use bowls when you can use the NARC [Laughter] it's a fork that's a knife on one side until you put it in your mouth [Applause] okay this looks pretty awful seven corpse dinner [Applause] look at this have people coming to visit treat your guests like royalty oh yeah sleep on the floor in the hall three cheers from McIntosh state champions these are the these girls are the state champions look at that the squad also received the Best Choreography award for the porn routine [Applause] [Music] this is what happens when you don't hire a professional agent you your ad page ad magazine if you're on the market for a sofa please call me I manufacture them Akiba no phone number no name [Applause] okay police released sketches of jewelry store robbers if you've seen either of these two men please call the police immediately and explain this one to me Brian one year ago today you made all my dreams come true I love you which one's Brian [Laughter] oh boy look at this one here Howl's dick insurance company Kenny times you've been the woman that's not working out I gotta call my insurance man all right one last one I don't even understand this pampers baby wipes [Music] we go I was looking at my calendar as you know Thursday April 5th is Good Friday it's all good one another you know keV I'm Dyslexic and this look normal to me why doesn't deserve Easter a cake I don't understand this story survey teenage alcohol and drug use up survey survey over Arlington middle and high school students find them happier and more info let's get some more drugs and alcohol into the school system you ever use flashcards your parents to help you with math and spelling it and these are flashcards here is a flashcard you know see leapin Brothers Circus the most spectacular show on East as a genius Monday January 22nd 241 p.m. man called Police Department asked if anyone had notified the department about him hitting a parked car the 1100 block with helper gavel you know call him okay thanks you know NAFTA you know the exchange thing look at this it says Texas ready for Mexican trucks there you go good I guess one letter can make a difference oh yeah I guess the missing letter it should be kitchen kitchen is the key word digital kitchen timer [Applause] get your mom a bitchin timer on the street should police release the names of people arrested for drunk driving ron Richards 57 Sioux Falls yeah then have any trouble releasing my name there you go Frankenstein crowned Miss South Dakota explain this to me found large obese goldfish 11 years old blind as a bat how do you lose a golfer where do you find hey honey I don't think Wendy's is gonna be doing any more of these this is Wendy's fun food facts you know Wendy's restaurants fries burgers old-fashioned Wendy's fun food facts did you know the United States farmers use 1.5 billion pounds of pesticides these pesticides ends up about half of Uri why only one percent of the food shipment in u.s. are tested professed pesticides kind of scary and then some apple growers use 24 different types of pesticides fun food facts 258 p.m. but the Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours on end watching the center and the children in it making the police making the parents nervous police ID'd the subject as a cardboard cutout of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger [Music] Oshin delight parmesan chunks of fresh seafood sauteed with mushrooms and herbs and a burgundy tomato sauce sprinkled with angel dust some lightheaded after eating this more scenes from a snowstorm the camera went out there's snowstorm there you go tomorrow pictures inside a coal mine you should know Jerry Brown director of government accounts Jerry's words to live by time is my enema [Applause] I'm just guessing I'm an enemy but this changes the whole thing you never heard of this look what's coming to town folks it's the big ice cream and janitorial tradeshow and one thing you know when you're printing an ad you don't want to run your words together Jose you're in your does your eyes beautify your free giveaway slash heating bills with this phony fireplace I know what this edge is but I guess they figured they'd they'd sell more if they had a couple of lesbians next to it there you go pet of the week you know you pick up the paper he sees adorable pets you know they wanna know you want to adopt the little kitten of the little dog in this Vicki left the four month old female child me oh what a lovely cat him knowing at the leg of the other dog it's too Joe this is a tag off some clothing made somewhere made in China somewhere [Applause] troopers seek pulled up suspect why why would you run why don't you why don't you go down to the newspaper pay for an ad Orange missing since the 21st in Lakewood $25 I think you gonna get your orange back but you know keV Beverly Hills pretty crime free area look at this raisin stolen from Beverly Hills reported someone had rummaged through her vehicle reported stolen was two dollars 20 cents of change and a box of raisins police have no suspects but it's still investigating I'm sure you've had Country Crock these buttery spread oh yeah delicious delicious I'm not familiar with this one I don't know if I'd like this one on my muffin it's a purse matter of personal taste I got I got two more I want to do all right well tell you what we're doing week I'll do this we'll come back from commercial which over the last couple okay all right this this seems a little inappropriate for Easter chocolate boxes this is from the new Dragon Chinese restaurant Kevin you like Chinese food don't you oh yeah I never had this particular dish the chimp chow mein that's you know keV I like to go on these bike runs we raise money for charity but I middle Aeon bikers and offers me that's the spellers or thanks of grammar look it's the 25 arde annual experience trusts reliability service I'm sure this woman is thrilled to be named an associate but sometimes you don't want abbreviate congratulations Tammy King on being named ass of the month [Applause] quite an honor her parents are thrilled I didn't know this pregnant girls are vulnerable to weight gain you know we have someone on a staff is having a baby they don't look a little heavy oh yeah lost and found lost or found dog dressed in a Superman customer I think I know why the dog ran away they say when the cops crack down police logs look as police arrest everyone [Applause] this seems a little creepy looking for small 13-inch mail registered beagle to breed with our little girl [Applause] a little inappropriate workplace diversity connecting with employee thats a big issue in the workplace all right workplace diversity look there's all kinds of white people from pale white to not quite as white as the other guy but it shows they're reaching out get twice the advice look at this read dead ABI and Ann Landers in today's day I like people it right into a first of all if you write into the TV forum you know it's like in the TV section you've got a complaint about a TV show get a life but 24 talk look at this letter i watch you to 24th Kiefer Sutherland I really like it but they tend to stereotype all the terrorists as being bad people they're not all bad I like to see them change that the show [Applause] idiot [Music] KAV you know I'm you know I'm a bad speller I'm Dyslexic I don't pretend to be a good speller but I'm not the New York Times New York's the best food and wine event where are you there this is when you know you have a problem trimming nose and ear hair has never been easier former official sentence look at this Michael Graham former executive vice president of keystone mortgage company banks wholly owned subsidiary got the stiffest sentence twelve and a half years in prison and was ordered to pay five hundred and fifteen million dollars in restitution at three hundred dollars a month you should have that paid off my house mortgage that should be no problem perfection and mountain park look at this beautiful home and look a ceiling and every [Applause] [Music] look who's driving like most new teen drivers across the country the office daughter Rebecca Cole has a big grin on her face yeah she might have shaved first but yeah police blotter woman call the police to say that someone has been tampering with mailboxes in her area a deputy responded to reported a vehicle stopping at every mailbox turns out it was the mailman Nora Nora fills up her Honda Civic on Monday at a Chevron station she says she sold his sports utility vehicle because it caused their eighty bucks to fill up the tank you know maybe if you actually put the hose in the gas hey can I get your cigarette while you're there show me the money said teaches kids coins and dollar values counting making change and potentially forgery and embezzlement [Applause] like when restaurants tried to be fancy with the menus look at this it's the creme de la crime I guess it's NCAA basketball that's what I thought it was no look it's n-double-a-cp basketball watch it David Manuel and his wife Lea are leading a multi-million dollar effort to restore hot springs well I'd say that is a handsome woman has been that way I tell you she got a nice rack take a look at that rack yeah how about the rack on that baby here's a non-surgical facelift as seen on The Oprah Winfrey Show well look at the before-and-after pictures what a different Sammy's family restaurant enjoy Italian songs with your dinner songs like my Yiddish yo mama oh how stupid you have to be to fall for this presidential baseball American presidents from George Washington Bill Clinton have been linked to the national game of baseball there's a baseball signed by George Washington look at this big chair is there anyone out there not tempted by sweet melons I don't think so [Applause] two more this is why you want to be careful where you stand when you have your picture taken Birdman has come down to pick up chicks this Christmas he's giving some country charm look at this ladies you might want to be careful how you hold that phone [Applause] [Music] somebody sent me this ad and I'm trying to figure out why trying to figure out what was unusual bottle then I realized took me man it says soak up the pleasure see the man he's sit in the hot tub it's an ad for cigars soak up the pleasure yeah soak up the pleasure going close on his hand until your wife finds out have a good time so she gets the magazine pal how could you be so stupid dear teacher and parent children are using these skills blablablabla okay the teaching math skills should you say nine and five is thirteen or nine and five are thirteen no it's fourteen you [ __ ] [Applause] at least see people on site trying to rent a house housing two bedrooms sublease nice area bargain drawback big hairy spiders drop-off bedroom ceiling at night I'm gonna pass on renting the room you know I'm sorry your dog is not gonna let you carry around in this unless your dog is dead okay no self-respecting dog would let themselves be carried around like that here's Avada audiology and hearing care hearing aids the finest hearing aids video hearing hearing inspection we will test you you know if you're selling hearing aids huge common sense you're selling hearing aids don't call it an unheard-of offer okay [Applause] I love this product RV odor eliminator candle it's a candle you lighten your Oakland you're in your RV look at the different flavors it's classic cinnamon apple this honeydew Jasmine orange blossom my favorite white trash okay you know what President Bush this dog its name is ma no spot he named his dog spot and he's a big dog all right he's a big dog here's President Bush and army general Tommy Franks on the ranch in Crawford Texas look at the size of Bush's dog wonder that that's a big dog and they're pretty good set apparently not as funny as I thought but you didn't like it quote of the week what have you changed in your everyday life to be environmentally friendly Jessie Cooper someone stole my car so now I don't drive I like this one if you are on Dancing with you know Street talk they pick people on the street if you are on Dancing with the Stars which star would you pick as your partner and why I like Dale Bloomfield Heather Locklear she's close to my age [Applause] I'm sure Heather will be thrilled to know sexually transmitted disease numbers are rising this woman is a doctor it just has an unfortunate name sexual transmitted disease numbers writing says hole [Applause] folks here the heck of a deal for sale potty chair solid oak Mike Brown stains [Music] gyah seems so cheap for $20 here's the Cherokee Casino delicious dining take your wife out for a night on the town for delicious dining and look at the delicious dining a hot dog with chips Oh Oh your wife will be thrilled when you think her 2001 Chevy Silverado two-wheel drive 1,600 miles light front-end damage like I don't even understand this apology you know you do something wrong apologize the Ottawa Citizen and southern news wish to apologize for our apology to mark Stein Stein published October 22nd in correcting the incorrect statements about mr. Stein published October 15th we incorrectly published the incorrect correction we accept the regret that our original aggress were unacceptable and we apologize mr. any previous distress caused by our previous apology [Applause] [Music] that seems painful what are they doing to this poor a woman here's the neck protraction device the neck Pro is an easy to use over door cervical traction device and be used at home okay look at that I'm sure it works great until somebody tries to come in the door then you hang the guy I don't understand this police beat a mom reported that sometime yesterday an unknown actor took her Charles Radio Flyer pedal go-kart why it's an unknown actor good luck getting your grandma to use this extension toenail clipper yeah good luck she's gonna cut her foot off with that thing look at this place it's the topless oyster raw bar and grill family restaurant so one restaurant dad wants to go to it's a heck of a deal 85% fresh lean ground beef yeah why would you place an ad for this found slimy Brown Caesar salad and bottle of curdled chocolate milk oh I lost that how about this one reward - black urns containing my parents ashes yeah yeah taken from garbage can generous now here are some weddings these are people that had interesting names it just got married these are real people just starting their lives together romantic there's the fight stab wedding how about a Miller brewski a Miller Bruce it's the money hider wedding it's the tuner wedding there you go it's the gross panty wedding about the fur burns wedding for it's the large Tinky wedding it's the whole drillin wedding it's the Weidner more the beaver benders [Applause] the Wang holder [Applause] [Music] air is Steinman's Jewish delicatessen that's a real word that I knew your real Jewish delicatessen oh no it's in Pennsylvania there you go well it's a real Jewish delicatessen and look you can't get more Jewish than that kosher hot dog wrapped in bacon [Applause] [Music] a woman brought me this from the plane that's a lady bag it's I guess to put personal lady items you want to describe well the thing it's disturbing about it is look why is there a gun on the bag here's the Collins Hill School down there in Georgia this'll what parent will be thrilled to get this letter dear parent here's results from your Georgia high school graduation test rating congratulation you child has passed you you child has passed how to survive a heart attached I love those in Brazilian nuns wait for a meeting with Pope Benedict the 16th [Applause] the examiner asked students at Thompson middle school describes something that makes that your mother does that makes her special to you I liked it as a Madison all of her love and caring that she gives me because it's very special all ten Alec she cares about me and takes care of me I like Alicia my mom works at a bank so she can get free money a special way to say happy Mother's Day each child was asked to draw a picture of his mother or her mother I think Bobby was mad at his mom that's not [Applause] [Music] as a Maytag washer and dryer heavy-duty excellent condition rectally service he has cut up fryers 89 cents a pound so why are there horses in the corner I don't understand all bath furniture on sale look romantic space savers yeah that's really romantic isn't it we romantic space saver what's more romantic really than that I'm sure this is a fine law firm I'm sure it's an excellent law firm but just the main it doesn't really inspire confidence it's the slappy and sad law company here's top to bottom cleaning they clean your house looking apparently is the same couple drinking over there romantic toilet there well here's something that I will think will be a tremendous boon for women I think women will flock to this idea look at this gasoline station also will offer mammogram so that's good to know if you pull them while I step over the grease pit man take your shirt off Clem would you give this woman a man Clem he works at the shells thing oh yeah activity attention attention dad's aged 12 to 25 12 somebody was not paying attention someone sent me this photo movie marriage Gordon Scott the screens 11th Tarzan married Costa Vera miles on the right somebody trying to be funny what's that pork tenderloins bigger than Jay Leno's face Jeffers [Applause] [Music] my attorneys will be on this what do they have grills barbecue Kendall that sounds good it's easy to add extra storage space look at a couple before looking at before no before before there they are see now look at them in the garage and I look they get dressed up to go dancing the garage is a dream date with loser boy we'll go dancing a garage rejuvenate your skin wow what a difference look at before-and-after [Music] isn't that keith carradine I'm not sure look at the difference just a little bit of moisturizer look at this headline woman 51 drives car into Harbor she thought it was a big puddle cop say [Applause] here's a bad job wanted someone to grind or chew hey four horns with bad teeth that's a bad job here's the Strawberry Festival for senior citizens it takes place to the colonial Club senior activity center and look what they have for seniors the wet t-shirt contest I want to be taking grandma down to the wet t-shirt contest obscene phone calls after receiving obscene phone call dial star 69 the call be traced for you this woman look like she's upset about her obscene phone call look at this free to a good home a [ __ ] Jack Russell terrier [Music] not sure what that is here's the three sisters beauty salon I'd say that middle chick could use some work two more all right let's see what we have here that's a good one okay great bye under the tension wires nobody has yet died on these 11.9 acres yeah nobody's died with the problem and finally rides help to illustrate train safety police officers look at him he's got his binoculars yeah no train coming here [Applause]

Channel: ArisDisc On Ebay

Views: 877,707

Rating: 4.635179 out of 5

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Id: zxU1jiwidtc

Length: 62min 22sec (3742 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 23 2019