Jay Leno Best of Headlines Part 8

yeah isn't it appropriately titled a picture Adam City star smells Title I sale it's an interesting mix puppy seven weeks old mom is a lab dad a traveling salesman [Applause] there you go for you Tonya Harding and you got your John Rocker right there folks the GE white trash compactor this looks it says stop male urinary leakage something you know you have that problem okay is that really the best thing look at that that's now for that come from that's called a clamp it gets a big C clamp in there [Music] don't want to go through the metal detector wearing that baby Italian name look at this guy what a name like crappy dough it's got to be good I just like how certain things become just part of the vernacular here this is a three hundred thousand volt this is one of those stun gun deals okay pull the trigger blue sparks up I like this look at a four second touch will drop a raging 200-pound crackhead like a stone is there such a thing as a 200-pound crack head most ones I see see the way about 85 pounds your first day on it he has a little thing for any department interior about bears it's all about bears yeah what's that little bear doing [Laughter] now here's a woman selling an old-fashioned phone but it has modern insides it seems to me she might want to hold the phone just a little bit lower yeah apparently a very cold day at the phone company today on cable I'll show you the ones we can't use but for now there's the gum Wrigley wedding how about the pink eye wedding it's the you right wedding Flintstones meet the Flintstone it's the Belcher gross wedding folks you don't want to miss the big Polly bare-ass wedding yes siree Bob yeehaw Bentsen rotor it's let's striker wedding and how embarrassing is this guy it's Dicky little wedding you know they say kids are not in good shape as when we were young keV I think it might be truly here's Megan McMahon shown competing in the high jumper you know they don't want any kids to get low self-esteem so if the bar is not quite as high as it used to be here's parents nurture kids blossom ways to show kids you care I like the first one learn their name [Applause] here's a foldable bicycle that the the foldable stroller a foldable stroller and I like the instructions can you go in close they're warning always remove child from stroller before folding his lakeside restaurant Mother's Day buffet Sunday May 13th look at the special carved Road beef please do not confuse that with roast beef that is Road beat cab you might like this one here Zoe's garden Chinese and vegetarian food all vegetarian dishes such as beef pork chicken here's the modern cafe all you can eat for as much as it costs [Applause] I don't understand this pets wanted monkey or other primate to do my homework we'll pay top dollar there's a Mitsubishi Galant ranked number one for the first consecutive year [Applause] it's kosher world if you're Jewish you might want to go to kosher world and I again I again I I'm not Jewish Beth this is a double scheme perhaps I'm not familiar with the delicious ass soups [Applause] look at the bottom our kitchen is now open we have a wide ass [Applause] traveling this summer you want to get this look at this keV suitcase safeguards Magellan's privy seals red plastic locks deter the bad guys while you're grabbing over the airport just cut locks later with scissors yeah what are the chances that a thief would have a sharp object on her I like this one when breathing is really important what is it not important [Applause] this one look at this pre Memorial Day savings entire stock of men's Levi's yeah that's an attractive pair of pants in the ad there huh look at [Music] yes super values its South Stars Chrysler Dodge go talk to the salesman look at his name sales manager dick feel elated job ah yes all right here's a gift idea who I'm discussing is this never opened woman's : large size [Applause] brighten your desktop with the world's most beautiful mouse pad look at that beautiful picture isn't that lovely I like this one Jasper High School assistant principal Tim Ratcliffe holds the Remington 270 rifle he won that the recent East Texas Peace Officers Association dinner now you know he might want to think about taking one of those gun safety courses and there he is right there oh here's a little story about Kevin's old high school really Kevin went to private school he went to as you can see bong Academy I always like when they try to pretend that products are made in America but when you read the directions you get the little subtle hints that maybe they were made in a foreign country this is something called the foldable roll-aboard scooter look at the directions on the back don't drive the scooter on the uneven road or the count of the croud road don't drive the scooter the man over 80 kg the man in thick shoes cannot ride the scooter the man who has drunk over wine the man who was carrying the burden the weak man don't drive the scooter over one men a symbol of follow directions oh I got this a letter from Carl Brown I guess Carl graduated from Delaware Community College and his senator from Pennsylvania Clarence Bell sent them a letter I assumed this might be a typo but here it says dear Carl congratulations making the Dean lasat Delaware County Community College is an important milestone in your life and achievement worth nothing [Applause] my favorite category stupid criminals look at this a pair of nervous Michigan robbers in to the record store waving revolvers the first one Sheldon nobody knew moved when his partner moved he shot him delicious strawberries 99 cents a pound they look good only mimes presentation in Cornelius interactive and bilingual Omar Vargas a professional mime originally from Ecuador present classical and contemporary pantomime the show will be presented in English in Spanish he's a mime I am in a box this one made me laugh the Flathead Flathead County Sheriff's Department was called to the Evergreen school Tuesday when a caller reported a man hanging around the school and yelling at children in the crosswalk for two days in a row the man continued to yell the children deputies found out he was the school principal how they this mm-hmm police blotter some stuff was stolen a report said the intruder came in through an unlocked dresser drawer fairly very small critter here's the radisson know the radisson Christmas Day buffet look at all of the lists there like a look at the one marinated grilled airline chicken breast you know you want to get airline food you just can't afford to buy that ticket all the time Hey illustrious sounding name emerald gold fried-chicken let meet you get for $42 12 breasts 12 wings 13 things bunch of things in there pieces whatever that is how disgusting is this there's Jones's live sausage what is live Hey ladies have you tried the live sausage I remember there's a month or two ago I did a joke about a clown mean do do the clown I thought that is a stupidest name for a clown do the clown well look at it he took out an ad it just made me laugh do do the clown loaded number one and look recently talked about on the Jay Leno girls nylon shorts size 18 to 14 and ass color [Applause] I couldn't sleep with that on their face isn't that attractive look I love putting what are you a Klingon now is that what that is okay here's a guy who is a sewer and drain cleaning specialist I don't believe this is an actual title I don't believe you can go to college to become this he is a turd ologist beef tongue and penis casserole thank you it's a real item it's it's only 650 what kind of separates mom [Applause] you know always trying to get someone to write your ad but it has a bit of flair of advertising you're trying to sell your home I don't think this is the best day ed look at this your friends will puke with envy don't be fooled by movies that sound like other movies ok like this when er the extra-terrestrial police report elderly man lived in us 10700 block of G Avenue suffered a heart attack while engaged in intercourse and died April 2nd police I'm able to locate the man's wife and Informer of his death she probably would have killed him anyway [Applause] you know just a lot of idiots out there he's an idiot Shawn Lane syncro Long Grove a charged with domestic assault with injury after allegedly assaulted his girlfriend during an argument over the TV programs she allowing the children to watch with too violent a rare breed John White rides his bike home along Arlington Avenue the 58 year old cyclist says he began riding to work for health reasons that's why he's smoking he is a free shitzu male 5 years old - approved home you must be neutered you know I don't like to dog that much I like I like this here's Glenn Erickson and Jim Thompson have created the missing piece ideal weight loss system is as man as a gynecologist seems a little I'm sure is a very fine fine doctor it's it's dr. pepper you're a guy come in and see dr. Pearle you know I don't know a lot about firecrackers this doesn't see the safest way to handle firecrackers to me I don't know maybe I don't know hism is the most poorly worded sentence Cultra calls love of baseball racism it knows what a day is boy people yelling let me out in the field Oh like that yeah it is I think when people live together you start to look like the other person yeah every couple been married a long time they start looking window Dennis Bradley and his wife Jane own antiques I like the suspect Darryl Kyle's and Antonio Davis shed their face shield their faces Wednesday from photographer and they are hiding from photographers yeah this is a inflatable wading pool no you might want to change what [Laughter] what an honor this is there's Valerie Mercer she was voted hellhole swamp Queen [Applause] there's Michael Vick the Atlanta Falcons a quarterback I have two weapons my legs my arm and my brains [Applause] here's a poorly worded sentence gas leaks prompts fanny evacuation instead senior care each employee is screamed boned and insured you know here's one that made me laugh you know sometimes people just don't have it I'll read it to you credit card fraud is police are investigating complaint that someone had been using a local woman's credit cards to access pornographic internet sites the woman told police that her card had been billed for hundreds of dollars of Internet access while she was recently away from home a woman told police someone must have broken into her home and used a computer and her line of credit to access the sites because a 30 year old son was watching the house knew nothing about the incident is eclectic family Pharmacy in Alabama this is why when you put instructions on medicine I can't stress how important this is always be clear and explicit in your instructions Gina fuller remove foil and insert one rectally by mouth you got a no Gina pretty well I'm just gonna put this up I'm not gonna say a word there you go everything is security everything the security Tiger Stadium look at this I like the caption a gate security work of questions the suspicious bulge in this students pan from the streets is one of the things they ask people after the terrorist attack do you feel safe traveling by plane have you cancelled travel plans I like this kid Doug reach I don't fly period and if I did fly I wouldn't get on a plane [Applause] better paid workers getting paid better this one just makes you stand up and cheer and then I love this one jury acquits suspect every slugs lawyer yeah [Applause] [Music] [Applause] he's his Chamberlain books the Florida times-union I love this we're out of print and non-existent books yeah I'm looking for a non-existent book it was never published or written do you have that yeah here's Antiques & Collectibles William Shakespeare complete work copyright 1925 with authors signature this is the lizard baby laughs I don't know why so obviously this is like a school school newspaper so obviously the editor this what happens when editors put their personal views in a story you should never do that if we have any journalism students Stacie Pannell it says Stacie beginning her sixth year of cheering for the appellant's football basketball team when she isn't cheering she likes to spend time with your boyfriend [Laughter] I love that key I'm looking to said why is my baby crying maybe it's because somebody took a big chunk out of his ear [Applause] oh it is unbelievably is a Connecticut law Tribune husband says he did not agree to an open marriage and says a plaintiff failed to prove allegations to support a judgment of annulment in the case in which the husband asserts he was fraudulently induced to entrance in the marriage with the expectation of a monogamous monogamous relationship the wife allegedly believed would be an open marriage and engage in the extramarital relationship after the ceremony with a wedding guests honey have you seen my what oh here's a good deal if you're looking for bedding you look in the mattresses bedding some may be soiled or slightly damaged but will not impair performance yeah but it's cheap here is the worst the worst written had the worst li mo said the worst written head this is why you have a real to a beautiful preview home in new suburb two and a half years old view of horses behind lovely view is carts look at that slogan where customer satisfaction is not an option you know I don't know where they get these people to play Santa Claus you know you need to look at people who play they need to have references look at this what is he doing with this dog look at this terrible terrible picture you know I don't know where they get these dogs you know you can't just get a dog Arthur Street what is this dog doing to poor Santa look at that come on Kevin oh you don't eat meat here's the reason why his bar s Frank's 16-ounce tasty dog chicken have you ever had dog chicken whoo Oh delicious here's a good deal warehouse markets Brown's best pinto beans you get nine cents off with this coupon and a $2,000 I get together got off with the Sears brand wedding I like these - here's the hopper and skipper wedding how about the Franks and beans weather there's the house record wedding how about these two they got married it's the rather hasty with it's the small and short wedding getting a little more racy now there's the dangler tool wedding and I get this invitation it's the button Stubbs wedding how many guys have been to this service it's the young Woodie wedding or you might want to go to the wiener wagging if you're getting married why not fly gay how about the rough Rumpy wedding finally I know this one isn't and it's the bone good wedding and my favorite right there it's the penis harness wedding this children under to eat free children must present ID s ID says you're 22 months calves I think I see why you're a vegetarian is a Chinese restaurant menu fried Chinese pickled with stomach oh wait a minute is that stomach pork okay I love this this is not like a souvenir thing you know you get it a football game he's a little put it on you sit in the stands I like what it says here warning not to be used as protective device don't actually go out and play with this huh [Applause] [Music] someone sent me this campaign poster a vote for horny Richard yes Richard [Applause] [Music] his flea bird walkin a free bird walk in the canyon bring binoculars boots sunscreen and an awful thing to bring to the park is free fat cutting gel look at this this guy says I woke up the next morning one dress size smaller [Applause] [Music] apparently you lost a lot more than a couple of pounds you know other countries don't do this we're the only we are so squeamish about saying medical things or anything to do look at it says headline is syphilis outbreak shaking up Detroit so syphilis typically appears as a sore can be treated with penicillin left undamaged can damage the heart look at the top sentence the heart eye brain and other boy parts [Laughter] let's go the doctor let's see your boy farm I love this retire rich and healthy you want to retire rich extension 61 to healthy here is the definition of irony pornstar Sue's over rear-end collision hasn't been moving around so much here's an honest ad ruby-red binoculars an amazing 5.8 field of vision for tracking any prey great for outdoor sporting events and concerts I never heard of this I'm sure it's a fine product polygamy brat Wars how many people have touched that there's another weight loss one that I don't know this made me laugh made me laugh I don't know just about hypnosis after hypnosis her husband said you're the sexiest woman alive yes dear you are the sexiest oh yes oh baby no no yes Wow this killed me and I read the ladies quote and their quote really doesn't make sense until you see the picture there's a woman as a secretary she handles all the duties it says it's just easier to do it myself I've grown up with this business it's all in my head [Applause] this is from the Flagstaff newspaper it says do you think more people use marijuana in Flagstaff compared to other cities Michael Willett graduate student says I think they do a lot my neighbor sells a lot to the whole I think the police are on their way to his Oh Misha the Misha Willits house right now there's another one what do you think of Judge William sessions decision declaring the federal death penalty law unconstitutional Dave and Linda Brooklyn says I believe everyone has a right to a fair and speedy trial how shall believe life is precious so I support the death but in these are people with interesting names it just happened to get married here's the golf ball wedding is the beating heart wedding maybe these people live in Houston it's the hangar husband wedding it's the missing deBeer engagement must been quite a party feces celebrate 65th where the feces no never mind I like this one yes dammit Johnson a [Applause] leak more wedding sounds like a bad movie yes it's the hooker and the dummy they decided uh me its Edie and what a hickey be a fascinating wedding it's the veal whacker wedding it's the butter is Peter yeah nevermind it's the colon plumber wedding the combs Bush wedding so [Music] and it's the killing beavers wedding finally yes my favorite it's the gay Leno wedding [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Richie Majaw

Views: 183,195

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Id: yB2TCxDW9qw

Length: 33min 8sec (1988 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 16 2020