George Carlin & Richard Pryor Carson Tonight Show 1981

[Music] [Applause] two extraordinary comedians on the show tonight George Carlin was the first one on the gate so we'll start with him George he'll be appearing June 5th at the painters mill theater and Owensboro Owings mill Maryland the 6th of June you'll be at the opening of theater in Wallingford Connecticut and the 7th of June at the auditorium theater in Rochester New York would you welcome please George Carlin how you doing ok I guess huh yeah feel nice that's good I don't have any opening announcements tonight so I'll go right into my routine I had kind of an interesting morning this morning I ate at the usual place the restaurant for the unclean I had been eating over at the International House of salt and pepper but don't like the selection I noticed I noticed something this morning that had escaped me there are people who like raisin bran without the raisins and if you are one of these people you know that in order to have it that way you have to clean the raisin bran that's right you have to take either a desk drawer the top of a shoe box is look good top of the shoe box you have to put the raisin bran on the top and sort of jiggle it and those raisins out of there [Music] because that Street raising man I'm talking about not talking about the sense which is so hard again and you don't have to clean anyway so it's been you know like I say an interesting morning let me mention one other thing about breakfast foods as long as I'm on the subject don't often get on that subject with the public what wine goes with free keys I have trouble selecting a wine in the morning usually what I'll do if I can't decide at all I'll just smoke a bong full of Froot Loops and let it go ahead just get back in bed and watch the morning movie why am I talking like that one morning movie well I guess I'm just in training you know I had an interesting morning I say up I'm gonna be coming back to this team quite a bit I call it interesting for a good reason you see I don't have a nice day anymore frankly I don't bother with them I feel as if I'm sort of beyond the nice day now I feel as though I've had my share why not let someone else have a few why should I be hogging all the really nice limits of course people still want me to have one everybody wants me to have one have a nice day so yeah yeah we could give me my change please lady huh some of them were very insistent I said have a nice day that's the trouble with have a nice day it puts all the pressure on you now you've got to go out and somehow manage to have a good time all because of some loose lipped cash here have a nice day maybe I don't feel like having a nice day maybe just maybe I've had 52 nice days in a row by God I'm ready for a rotten day wish me a rotten day now and then no one ever does that and they're easy to have to sometimes all you have to do is get up you know how the rotten day George thank you your lovely wife as well sir I think it's the word it's the word nice that bothers me nice it's a soft that's a flabby word doesn't give you a lot of information does it nice isn't he nice oh he is so nice he's really nice and you know she's nice boom yes I'm he's so nice to her his neck Mary I just don't care for the word it's like fine you know how are you fine nobody is fine spaghetti is fine how's your spaghetti fine that makes a lot more sense to me some guys are bright they're meat guys who are great how are you I checked myself out of not nice I'm not fine I'm not great people ask me how I am I say I'm fairly decent don't give them any superlatives you know nothing to gossip about I say I'm relatively okay if I'm in a particularly jaunty mood I'll tell them I'm not on well thank you that really gets the mad because they have to figure that one out for themselves occasionally I look them right in the eye and say I'm moderately neato then of course they have to ask their children how I am so I think you'll admit that was kind of interesting huh and it was an a hell of a nice morning for me excuse me a second here I have a little personal business pardon me I do have a little desk out here tonight sort of this is my office after all one I'm here there's my desk which actually is just a little place for my stuff when you think about it that's all I just want to put some things there you have to have a little place for your stuff you know don't you that's why they have glove compartments and pockets and drawers on a desk you gotta have a place for your stuff that's all you need in life a place for your stuff that's all your house is when you think about it it's just a place for your stuff I'll tell you this if you didn't have so much stuff you wouldn't need a house a house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff [Applause] in fact sometimes you got to move no room feels stop you got to get a bigger place because that's all a house this is a big pile of stuff everybody's got a little pile of stuff everybody got a pile of stuff and you locked your stuff up when you leave kind of locked your stuff huh somebody might come along and take some of your stuff and they always take the good stuff they never bother with all that trash you're saving you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house that you don't quite feel at ease you know why no room for your stuff somebody else's stuff is all over the place no what do you feel down there you go to somebody's house and you're not expecting to stay overnight you know that situation just going over for dinner have a little cocoa and gin or something whatever your style just a little something that evening but you're not supposed to stay over but then the bridge is washed out and you do they give you a little bedroom that they haven't used in years you know in fact someone died and it 11 years ago and they haven't moved any of this stuff or any kind of little bedroom they give you there's always a little dresser right next to the bed and there's never any room for your stuff why somebody else's crap is all over the top of the dresser have you noticed that their stuff is crap and your crap is stuff [Applause] let me put my stuff down sometimes when you go on vacation you gotta bring some of your stuff with you can't bring all your stuff you bring just the stuff you know you're gonna need for two weeks about two weeks worth of stuff and you go over to the big the big Hotel in Honolulu gonna be there for two weeks and you open up your stuff and you start putting your stuff out cuz you gotta have some stuff you don't feel so good cause you're half a world from home but here's your stuff so everything must be okay just put new stuff and you start to feel alright after a day and a half that's when your friend from Maui calls up says why don't you come over and spend the weekend over here Wow now what do I pack right you got a pack an even smaller version of your stuff the third version of your house just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui you get over there and you put up your stuff little by szene you put it on the windowsill but if you have you put your stuff up you've got to feel okay takes about an hour and a half you know your extended now supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain you've got stuff here stuff there and stuff way back there what you finally get you stuff it up and it's okay after about an hour that's when your friend says hey I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island and spend the night at my friend's house Wow now what do you bring just whatever's in your hand I figured that out myself I'll close here by just one observation that I made driving over here have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn't want to get pregnant in the first place man [Applause] [Applause] you [Music] hey that was good stuff some more stuff in just a minute [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I love to listen to your material because it it all comes out of truth and when you were talking about phrases like have a nice day I was thinking if you said that we used too many of those phrases like meet somebody you ever walk into a building you work in a building like people say work at NBC and you see the person the first time mmm you say good morning or hello or how are you now you inevitably run into him again in the fall yeah and you say hello again or do you not say hello so he's still okay yeah things there should be certain phrases which they could retire like how's it going oh yeah some of them are really old the one I hate when they Beach people say how are they treating you yeah as if there's this group of people in your house you know mistreating you in some way or uh are they keeping you busy that that bother anybody lately if they have a right to keep me busy no they're not I keep them as busy as possible watching maybe they should retire shirt the phrases yeah just say hello good morning yeah that's it there's just too many ways to say hello and goodbye you know what's interesting to decide to change the way you say goodbye you know you get into a rut you get into years at a time where you always say okay take it easy yeah hey take it easy then you learn another one and you start to swing and say hey straight ahead okay straight ahead now alright see you later what you know you have to decide on which one I think you should send out cards to people when you decide to change your goodbyes well you know okay guys so what we've been working on lately what's the well you know I always have a few show business things I'm always right branching out I'm doing a show that's been getting a lot of publicity here now I'm getting my act together and taking it into the bathroom that's the road shoulder yeah the roads all right then we're gonna do and we're doing a had a full of braunschweiger up on a bandwagon that's about a guy who's hooked on liver paste I think you know I've been keeping mostly busy with causes and little you know things that interest me parakeet menopause is an issue that happens it's highly overlooked yeah highly overload I think it's it's time has come and of course the problem with gay grandparents especially out here I get I get a lot of calls from a lot of different groups autopsies for the living this is a new thing right you think you're never really addressed and footnote right California it's a place for something like that could begin I feel and the illegal cow fights I don't know if you're aware of this would be a leading fight yeah they can place you in the valley here I have the legal cow fights on Thursdays I think it is we're trying to get together at our stay and a few other people that are interested in animals you know to get out there and police this thing up for that then you know if you watch the talk shows Johnny especially the afternoon issue kind of talk shows where they have someone on is written a book about this or that or is working anything you run into a lot of these problems I guess you could call them roughly a the battering syndrome has come in for a lot of attention in the last year of course battered children battered wives and battered husbands which surprised some people but is a problem and I'm we're working now on something unusual battered casual acquaintances get a hotline set up for them one of those hotlines on fortune we have this hotline where nobody answers that's for people who don't really follow advice anyway so that's right but in this pattern this patterning syndrome we have something that I found quite unbelievable battered plants have you heard of this people come home and take it out on the IV you know I don't think it's right of course I think it's not just the slapping you know slapping the IV around it's the psychological harm that we do them for instance do we know for sure that hanging plants aren't scared out of their minds the Wonder ivy claim and you know the calls just keep coming in to Beverly Hills Chamber of poor taste gave me a call this week from Hamilton they're having a hunger banquet hors d'oeuvres for Bangladesh I think they're calling that good claws and the dangers of drinking on the toilet you know a lot of these things they make I'm getting interested in cosmetic dentistry for the wicked it sounds like something Pat McCormack yeah and st. Anthony's home for the recently all right just too many of them the free hats for fat people campaign doesn't start till October we're talking it up you got to get it started on these things so I just you know I thank you for letting me many never get to mention this many in one show you're working like you're working these three days saw right I always go out on the weekend you know pick up a little cash this is my great leg store right three days five lakes I should have extended the tour somewhere by the way can I mention big brother-in-law another organization yes I know the big brothers big brother-in-law this is for men that are married and that don't have a brother in love a really want one you got to get your priorities in order in this life that's right obviously you have take a break with Richard Pryor's gonna be with us Ritchie yeah [Applause] I would guess you are a big fan of Ritchie's his eyes might correctly everybody who does comedy think Ritchie is a genius it's stir crazy I guess was one of the biggest grossing movies in the past couple years next to Star Wars or something like that and you got another movie coming out called bustin loose which opens the day after tomorrow all over the country I think he was out here shooting in Burbank somewhere today wasn't would you welcome Richard Pryor [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you very much I sure appreciate that I'm afraid to say how's it going George and I were just talking about I'm great yeah really great you're looking good thank you yeah I'm not seeing you since the last time you hear you were heading for Hawaii yeah I saw you on the Oscar show oh yeah yeah were you under in Hawaii when I played there yeah no it showed the same night usually everything's a week later that's right what are they I guess we go good transport it over here or are you are you all finished with the you're still going undergoing some therapy for they for the burns and stuff right pretty much through with pretty much through I just got to go through every more I have to get up and set myself on fire are you definitely sound like a dumb question but why not brilliant questions all the time did you ever when you're sleeping who's just come back some time to really know I never have dreams about some people would affect traumatically and it no I had one dream about firing it was I was driving in a jeep and with them with a soldier who was sitting in the back and I didn't know who he was and he said just drive I'll get you through it and we drove through this force fire yeah and stopped by a lake and that's uh only pain I had that's the only time to do sorry brother that was my dumb question I'm sorry about that was my dumb man you guys know is in the Jeep yes yeah you guys never work out you never know the show together I know that no we worked together in the village we started out in you know George used to wear suits that's right well George is going through various career changes and clothing changes but I was changing clothes George what colored you were colored you've now become black yeah I was I was almost colored at that time myself we were chemistry uncle 30 sure uncle dirty used to be with down the village no hanging out writing down our stuff yeah we started 1965 down there yeah down a cafe au go go and we used to idolize Bill Cosby yeah years ago saying he was hot that was something they don't see though yeah did you ever you know you ever even unconsciously becomes obvious line and use it Oh on purpose Oh II know Stephen I got a dick gregory used to have stuff in the jack magazine you know and i started reading his material and i'd do it on stage and that was my first breakthrough as that i got a lot of laughs but his material yeah I just got so no I did that for I mean a lot of money as Bill Cosby yeah what's the worst place you ever played the worst place yeah I was LA County Jail [Music] one night when they were parking the cars I want to shoot in college this was for taxes I want to income tax not paying your money not fraud that's just because that's an oversight yes you know I want to give you six I said your honor there was an oversight and he gave me ten days it was ten days was ten hard days because I had me in confinement you know they wouldn't let me out with the other prisoners cuz they were afraid it was one grabbed me and kidnapped me right have sex with me in this little room and they let me out the day they let me out let me to the door and the guy said no he can't leave he has ten more minutes then that was cold yeah you black people Chuck we're coming yes [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we have a little film that we're gonna show her manager saw us and we should play fee for this right yes here was the only time uh I did I'd is a kid I mean that's why I brought it oh yeah I still [Music] picking up three or four thousand a week I stole once and my father caught me and he almost I'm not father did not like stealing yeah I'm lying I didn't hate it he hate it either you could not stand it and he just had a way about he could look at me you know I start trembling you know he wet my pants he could talk he's my pop was tough Richard come on I said no right Stan he snatched a knot in your butt that's I stole a ring watch my dime store and then wouldn't admit it to the guy and he started to March me it's not about two blocks to my father's office and I fest up real quick cuz that's your father hair office that's cool yes there's a telephone and that's him is it my dad just was out there on the porch yeah coffee once we was gonna go hiking I stole some coffee and got caught in the store stealing coffee that I didn't need my bad yeah so I don't mind doing but you don't we've got to run this film clip busting loose right yeah see this is from the film buzzing loose and it opens in August no I don't this Friday opens Friday okay cool we get to the school of a lifetime they're gonna get five ten thousand apiece baby five let's go man you're not a movement all right just get ready to move [Music] [Music] now this Bibble wants to put them all out there it's a problem get whatever the Israelis donate just market better well you at least check the registration to that truck out there wait a minute cuz I'm black no no not you up what's you baby [Applause] yeah you might where you want to take your [ __ ] walk off that looks funny looks funny pretty good as would he go to see pictures what kind of Gubbio sees comedies mainly no I want to see Superman to Superman to that's my that's what I'm waiting on the sea really yeah did you see Superman well sure well this one you know remember the people is in the glass yeah where he goes and gets them yeah and brings him back to her accidentally there was for Superman I didn't know that yeah one superwoman I was gonna be good the previews were great we've sent it back [Applause] [Music] [Music] richy's pictures day after ma rolled over the country George back for your great lake tours you can't drive yes it's really been great having both of you here tonight a special light good to see you back working up and around and feeling good tomorrow night George Segal rich hall and Katherine Harold thanks for being with us [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Archy L

Views: 7,988,778

Rating: 4.7249155 out of 5

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Id: 3jus-OaJV8E

Length: 28min 20sec (1700 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 20 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/workpuppy]

Carlin opens with a great weed joke...On the Tonight Show! Man, I didn't even know that was possible.

[u/BadEgg1951]

No Richard Pryor monologue? I demand my money back!

[u/t0mbstone]

Someone's been watching the 1980's on Netflix and feeling nostalgic