Jay Leno - Headlines - 2000

[Applause] you know hope this millennium stuff stops everything the first Monday of new house the first Tuesday this is the Detroit Free Press truancy session poorly attended okay way don't know what's wrong with these kids there's a very clear one AARP drops its name becomes just a ARP I think that's I think that's easier for people to follow every time we do a thing about cops with donuts we get letters mr. Leno I have been a police officer I've never eaten a doughnut please don't eat doughnuts it's one of those stereotypes that people like you perpetrate this one kills me cops cheer arrival of doughnuts mark window now the police almost unload 35 dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and then go down in the corner a cop eating a doughnut thank you your honor I rest my case all right now this is kind of interesting take a look here look at the ad it says hard was that heart back gliders 169 mailboxes 75 flower boxwood mill 219 go to the very bottom price is shown and not for objects in photos rarely gets arbitrary prices they have nothing to do simmering liquid 16-ounce eyes fill your home with aromas of Christmas three luscious scents gin vodka and bourbon [Applause] I crossed out the phone number explain this one happy holidays tiny septic tank service now what's the reindeer lovely card that is now this one here I'm sorry if you have a young children you might want to turn away it wouldn't want them to ruin these image of Santa and the reindeer but is Santa's helper sale now one of those two reindeer doing in the corner [Applause] Donna but tonight well this one I'm it says a mole aqui farm workers protest Friday outside the capital Tallahassee for higher wages dignity and respect a [Applause] correction it's good whenever a paper makes a mistake they print a correction I commend his papers his correction Ross is not going to Mars as in last week's paper he is going to finally his plans have changed it will not be going to Mars I just like the fact that they have to old normal is a fascinating project palm treks transparent telephone here's the kind of product how stupid you have to be to fall for this this is the fat be gone ring the ring that may help wake up I would say the ring that may help in reducing body fat it's a ring you wear on your finger now look what it says off to the side look this ring not sold as a medical device for best results maintain nutritionally balanced diet exercise [Music] folks as a doctor let me ask you a question does you have asthma I'd be no doctor but does you suffer from asthma excuse because if you does I like this one free lunch and learn look at the bottom and bring your own line you know what you learn folks you learn there's no such thing as a free lunch that's what you learn here's the Kansas Living magazine young farmers and ranchers prepare for the future yes they do look at that they're betting the farm there they are that's about the only way you're gonna make a living pal you know you have to be so careful so careful when you read fry fine-print like whirlpool kept fine appliances aren't they absolutely they both Kevin I have fine whirlpool appliances in arm but look at it says here there's a beautiful house that sits at that square foot now let's say let's see it has a whirl poop tub frantic combination toilet and hot tub [Music] Hawaii sometimes sometimes you know you pay money to put an ad in the newspaper and your ad is perhaps place not in the best well yeah here's an after the ultimate Christmas gift look at this warbirds warbirds by Fighter come in you got to take somebody up in a plane look at the an old war plane are exciting with that be but look right above it in the same paper yeah not the best how many people gonna call the next day what do you think about it yes I love about California they will sell you anything rolling hills doesn't sound like a Louisville area rolling hills palos verdes ocean Catalina View lot an exclusive private gated community of Rolling Hills one-point acres 1.8 acres located in the unbuildable flying Triangle landslide area the unbuildable flying triangle landslide area all right you got a couple more here what is this explain this product American French bread what is that one more all right all right oh here's my favorite of the day there you go this woman here are you doing anything to prepare for y2k look at this woman this is Ruth Cardin of marital look at Ruth and get a picture - - Ruth are you doing anything Ruth yeah I bought some beer and cigarettes and videotape some tub games [Applause] [Music] [Applause] folks you wonder why all these NFL players get in trouble you know it starts in college that's where it starts look at this look at this headline here coach wants players to share pot well then go right there you know right there that should tell you something is wrong with our system you should share I like this Street beat this is from the ocean star if you could choose any one family friend or famous person has your life line on this show who wants to be in the inner who would it be I like Chuck's answer Chuck says that guy from Jeopardy Alex Trebek because the show he's on he always seems to know all the answers [Applause] we're gonna cap demoting indoor ad firm popular with Metro eateries yeah what is this guy explaining to these two women okay that works they seem very pleased with what he's saying happy holidays town name case a physician heal thyself [Music] [Applause] I like this hear me the Public Service Company of Colorado is Visine customers if their power goes out with the 2008 change tune in your TV or radio station a lot of y2k stuff here it says an actor playing the part of a cowboy participates in a celebration hosted by Northwest bank to show that they are y2k ready really no I think they're k2y ready now here's here's when you you want to shop and look for the extra value look at this here this gets in sausage gravy full otter two dollars half order dollar ninety-nine is one from Christmas thieves take Jesus from manager oh god I'm his manager I'm pretty sure it's not Don King okay his pets free puppies still good home German Shepherd mother father also a dog you know it's always good [Applause] here's another one Chihuahua ten months old Brown looks like Taco Bell dog but does not talk no we're really looking for the keto taco bag you could try and teach him but I hate people that dress up dogs these are like bad dog clothes you know this is like a pet peeve of mine stop dressing animals up look at this bad thing celebrate New Year's all the dogs gonna love that look at that like your dog won't get beat up every day here's another bad one look at this thing 93 dollars for that and the dog looks thrilled at me hey what are you looking at someone sent me this ad from Petsmart baked puppy with real chicken no that means what does this mean swim diapers contains accidents how much more is it without the accident in the diaper already yeah we're really looking for something like that yeah well is there a funnier man than Ralph Nader think of this here Ralph Nader and Stephen Moore share a laugh you know keV I've been against this genetic engineering of food wonderful stuff like this boneless pork roast beef make its father also a dog that's gonna what is that folks don't even what is this creepy thing sexy lips with the lip enhancer on your own joke you know I don't know how bad the Cougars were doing before but man look Cougars improved oh and three someone sent me this they got their kid this for Christmas it's a Barbie country ride bike says doll not included look at it set underneath most dolls cannot pedal bike okay is another here's the brave wolf look at the time delivery time when do you open you open 11 a.m. till closing daily what time to clothes clothing time okay you go stupid criminal of the week okay look at this this guy broke in a liquor store left clues it says police said Richard T Hill of whether they left two pairs of heavy-duty scissors at the store one engraved with his name the other with his initials when they went to his home they found Hill surrounded by the missing beer and lottery tickets oh boy he is the kind of lawyers I love drunk driving defense we will defend you against drunk driving and look at the last line we help keep you out of jail so you can make happy hour okay hey go women you see it's not our fault report says sex can drain men's memories that's why we don't [Applause] ready here you go you know I always pick on Kevin the band but lady and gentleman this is from the Seattle Times this is not a funny one that Eubanks dazzles fans with unfamiliar too it's a great review nobody know you're doing new material here it says it said Jerry our piano player in a car says Smitty some of the finest jazz music they have seen in a long time so if you have been [Applause] I was where was ours in Oregon I was in Mississippi was in Vicksburg Mississippi that's a lovely part of the country and someone gave me this headline I thought it was interesting you see that there it says sales seekers line up early for crack you know you pay those big city prices Wi-Fi study shows predicting baby sex a 50/50 proposition some are just silly like the sweater mess look at this folks plank elected to board [Applause] how can you pass this one gas company behind bean supper well [Applause] [Music] [Applause] college sports in the news mu losses Parker to academic problems yeah dem --ax is the Lancaster news Lancaster South Carolina looking at look at that pose there's downtown Lancaster look at the Sun look at the a lot for the activity [Applause] folks I grew up in New England oh this is from my I'm gonna oh this is a school near me middlesex Community College which is right near where I grew up in near Andover Massachusetts this is their College Catalog I just thought I would show you this one course you wonder our young people are they studying look at this hand washing three oh 13 the basics and importance of hand-washing are taught graphics animation and a game are used to create a fun and very memorable learning experience we know I love look there are two professors hope I get mr. Lowell a man that other guys a slave driver we have to investigate food we have to we have to send a student down check this out I like this it's drive-thru pharmacy there's the pharmacist that's Mike and look at his nametag like this one here's this is for religious things you know the faithful fashion Christian t-shirts and Christian figures from the Bible now maybe I'm wrong but shouldn't look at a get in close shouldn't Goliath be a little bigger than day there isn't that I mean if David could go over and poke him in the eye not defeat the whole purpose of the story he wasn't apparently when they put one ad too close to another look there's the Enderson funeral home pull out Ellen lindenson funeral home shop till you drop [Applause] I'm sure the fine restaurant an unusual name crappie toes [Applause] folks I don't even understand this this is a catalog for a hot tub this is the strangest I want you to look carefully at the picture now again okay look it's a pilot he's in the hot tub when he should be flying the plane hop on the plane here's one of those maybe hey go there's pack away our cups and bowels come on down to crappy doze you know that make a lot of disgusting stuff for kids look at this is this an actual product this is something called bubble briefs little bit open and eat directly out of the underpants I look at this one here look at this from a it's a great thing you look at this big nose instant disguise your friends won't recognize [Applause] look at this these are peds clowns from left to right this clown has a Jay Leno looking chin oh here you go here's a deal listen to this folks free JC Penney brand size 38 to 40 men's underwear use little no stains why someone hold on an old lady sent me this she must be 90 she taught me a nice letter this is from the ladies home woman's Home Companion in February 1933 he had this magazine it says everybody loves a gentle giant look at this guy [Applause] [Music] you are there you go thin McCool's restaurant look they're having a Super Bowl party let it down what a Super Bowl party come on down there Super Bowl party [Music] look at this headline hundred year old woman gets wish meets Clinton I like her quote he's touched so many that's interesting and it was in the paper and look on the left portable CD player look on the other side there world's smallest FM radio well that is amazing that is an amazing technological feat this outlet it look kind of gig I like look at this and look a bonanza surplus city Leighton German look what they have here non-working electric blankets $7.99 aren't those regular blankets that the blanket now there's a restaurant menu someone sent me cheese sticks 399 without cheese $2.99 [Applause] for those you trying to lose some weight look at this sensational diet water you know I love water but here's 25 cents off one gallon of Kroger spring water gee I wonder why it's 25 cents off huh I mean the fact that it's proud that something to do with oh that's a color fool you there mr. Leno is you buy I like this ad here it's two pepperoni pizzas a pepperoni pizza and family restaurant we wish all of our customers a happy healthy New Year look down at the bottom there look at that try our three and a half pound cheeseburger [Applause] finally truth in advertising finally someone keV not afraid to speak up look at this ad in the paper I can't believe it's not butter you know they sell this stuff to kids someone should crack down you know the greedy there you go the corporate America look at this hell there's Tony's crack yogurt yogurt we get to get the kids hooked early I guess it's for the healthy crack at it basketball game I've heard of personal fouls that is a personal foul [Applause] fouls don't get any more personal here's the Honeywell heat furnace Wow this this is good 24 bucks look at this do a crab heat Express going closer look at that up to a two-mile range that's hot some sort of thermonuclear device apparently hey New Year's Eve millennium look at that hey folks watch the Time Square ball drop look at that the bottom line on our big 13 this is The Tennessean and I love tenez lovely international Kevin beautiful city beautiful look at this cuisine of India Nashville's best Italian restaurant see you know what's great about America we incorporate so many different cultures in this one here this is artsy Oktoberfest in Phoenix look at the number look at that authentic Bavarian tacos burritos and quesadillas Bavarian tacos burritos [Applause] lot of stuff on the menu here and Hebrew National hot dog look a big juicy not hundred percent beef 100 percent dog percent dog his sticky fingers restaurant and bar in historic Charlestown look at the one who's looking under sandwiches try the sticky fingers booger [Applause] here's a great here is a hell of a deal you see you look in the paper look at this no payments for six months six months alright step again poorly worded sentence one is a hell of a deal look at this one coffin brass handles still in good condition totally use twice I like this one here this guy's one-horse America kind of snowblower track drive good shape used only on snowy days look this is what it says don't yell all right I know show it's a callous meat I'm sorry this is what it said meat locker look at the hell of deal going close West vagina ham [Applause] [Music] [Applause] all right here you go g-e-t GED diploma you know I got my diploma yeah get me a good er job than I got now [Applause] well there are two headlines here this is the same page of the same paper the mountain press first read the top headline was it's a snake's not as nasty of something there's a man holding the snake go down the bottom story orphans of snake handlers in court someone picked these up for me at a restaurant look see their little uh see it's salt pepper this little things you'd say but I like just look there that's what I like you see nice thing this salt is sugar free sugar free I like some pepper but do you have sugar free I think we can accommodate you alright I don't think I'll be going this one Sweethearts gather for annual dance and what a lovely group there there you go you need any more proof that our school budget to slash of the bone look at this school menu for Monday fish nuggets coleslaw fruit cup and puppy chow [Applause] Laser Vision Correction what a racket this gig is [ __ ] this look at this guy here look at the guy who see that Jerry Alan look 10:58 okay Jerry Alan a minute later 10:59 he's not only lost the glasses he's changed his shirt in less than a minute you're doing the guy's eyes take another minute at this rate he's doing 60 guys enough keV I got this for you this is something odd or cold grow a date grow a date no a date it says I don't know how it works I love you this is fully immersed to grow a date in a large container of room-temperature water allow your gourmet nun touch for several hours for full growth wow this might be just the thing cool man me see we got some water here well put this in here and we'll see we'll see if our date grows okay then you go there pictured above is dr. Cathy Johnson owner of pet resort with her husband here's an ad for the Sony 53-inch projection TV now going close on the Dead is there any reason that dad has vampire teeth [Laughter] lack of streetlights one reason before [Applause] okay school to teach abstinence then look at the highlighted part the goal is to postpone abstinence until marriage said Amy McBride [Applause] psychics predict world didn't end yesterday I love when people call the cops tree stolen someone saw two four four trees the ground level from the front yard of this house blah blah blah blah the trees were valued at $250 and if you seen them they are described as green in color here's another genius driver eludes police police pursued the vehicle speed 65 to 80 miles an hour other patrol wheels vehicles assisted in boxing in the fleeing suspect suspect told the officers he thought he was given a police escort home and that's why he didn't stop okay here's the age we live in guard stands next to defibrillator which would be used if a death row inmate suffered a heart attack prior to his execution butts are in it let's see we got here what do you saying Mike Jamar alright let's go after the big laugh this one's kind of fun articles wanted this guy's looking for lead weights that fit in boxing gloves call Bluto we got one more after this one this is what is kind of uh this is upper torso strength and endurance test let's show these two young ladies are doing and finally when they neither laugh go to the President Clinton's firmness got results [Applause] our date feels kind of slimy but it hasn't grown folks down the headlines [Applause] [Music] it's grammar at its finest this is the weekly mail from Chicago County enters y2k without no problems ok styling mousse cool cab here's our we're going this is the deal of the century this is Huntley's liquor open all New Year's Eve all-you-can-eat mayonnaise what a feast can't you ever try this this is Bordeaux's Butt Paste I don't know what I don't even want to know what that is try anything once dog bite injuries call Harry stump that looks like a lot more than a bite there mister sub I liked this ad you think this was placed by some some form of disgruntled employee irritating shoddy jewelers since 1935 it's some Valentine's show you a Valentine you really care bring your Valentine in for a candlelight dinner on Monday at Dairy Queen what says I love you more than that here's a nice one third annual Valentine's machine guns shootout now good food is always gonna cost you a little bit more I think most people know that look at these submarine sandwiches now I'm gonna go down the list there there's a roast beef there's Turkey there's ham go to the bottom there Ellen there's peanut butter and jelly one hundred and fifty dollars but it is the best damn peanut butter and jelly I like this it's what happens when you have stuff printed in other countries the latest style of instant ice maker going close read along with me ice of shape have circled and flat so that ice drop out from ice maker directly that while ice making and taking out ice without hands applying hands to touch ice healthy first [Applause] [Music] I'm gonna know that didn't know that Dear Abby was working as a Borg like I like this one here this okay for veterans come together look on says Stephen Stills left Neil Young performance crosby stills nation beyond the recent concert Hoffman Hills can kick off the band's first store in two hundred and twenty five years now what is that headline say new veterinarian clinic coming to Port Charlotte okay I'm gonna read to you it says new veterinarian clinic coming veterans may not have to travel to either st. Peterburg or Fort Myers for primary medical care but can now go to the new veterinarians clinic [Laughter] [Applause] okay look at this new is new births as a Morgan Abigail huge she weighs 8 pounds 195 inches long you are witnessing the birth of a supermodel ladies I don't even understand some of these this is how much more trusting Canadian given to Canada the loveliest people I don't think have the loveliest most trusting people in Canada now this is how the devs between Canada and the United States look at driver's license checkpoint set Ontario Ontario police are conducting a driver's license checkpoint today in an effort to keep unlicensed drivers off the road police will stop drivers and check their licenses from 10:00 a.m. until 4:00 p.m. on southbound archibald Avenue and walnut field look at that motorists not wanting to drive through the checkpoint will have a street to turn on - before other houses [Applause] [Music] [Applause] who wouldn't want one of these huh that's way to get them deep-fried lawyers you ever wonder why girls volleyball getting more and more popular this may explain it actually here are some here are some pretty embarrassing to know each other just a little too well Hey still a lot better off than this guy [Applause] and what better way to lead into Howard Stern ladies not real a headline just an interesting item it's called my first kitchen look for ages grab the cup in the corner and look for ages three and up and what's more fun for three-year-old than this look at this I got a corkscrew pretty nice and is this sharp enough for three a dangerous thing that is aromatherapy says this aroma aromatherapy incense through the power of nature's botanical blends to increase your headache my head's not throbbing enough do you light something that's smelly crackling there you go this is the courthouse look at this story hole and roof maybe cause of leak and then they show the look at the court house look at the member the courts Nana you know Bob I think it might be that hole women in solitary confinement are lonely $13,000 study says and alan keyes running for president as a Republican because this might be the problem of keys winning over Iowans yeah he's got that guy in thrall just keep talking out Republican contender judge W Bush cut cuts a couple of fresh lines in the white powder yesterday I don't know what's appealing about this only one hotel gives you two nights and crabs 460 how did we do it we don't change the sheets that's how we do it now maybe they should get the priorities straight needed cocaine users who want to quit smoking why don't we get rid of the cocaine for us maybe I'm wrong cam have you ever had this yogurt now what plant is that new yogurt there what would make Valentine's Day special Frank Keenan to have someone send me flowers candy and lingerie I got this in the mail this is a thing for my cable company asking for research I like this question right here the one that's highlighted are you male a female yes or no male a female yes or no yeah oh it's clear probably now ah I guess it's clear that way we farmland mini maple River a whole boneless ice cream is one question interview for Trinity's at the University of Iowa have ban liquor how do you feel about that look at this guy here you go I don't think you'll hear it plenty of time to take up drinking after college Montee lapel now how old he is 28 years that's a lot of hard drinking money here's a beautiful older home carvers Ville 1862 stone house yeah and I mentioned that it's tipping over why do all the cakes come out lopsided honey I'll never mind that sinkhole that's all right once you pick the septic tank that'll be fine look at this one great southwestern style home located on the lake side of the highway with a terrifying view I don't know why this one made me laugh I don't have anybody else to like it Newport Beach narcissus Avenue a mirror worth $100 restore me [Applause] here's one from the Nike people smaller babies have lower incomes well sure I like when they have to tell you stuff you know value home centers okay see the five dollars look what it says this is not legal tender so if you clip a bunch of those out and head to Vegas you gotta be terribly disappointed who was the most important person of the past 100 years look at Derek bigger Hulk Hogan because one week is flabby next week he's buff [Applause] baby Jesus found on Southwest Bernie's 43rd Street Magnum baby Jesus I like this one family month there you go Newport Spa 1995 yeah be nicer the had some water in it why would you sit in an empty pool hello am I the only one that sees that are we doing like no more and get yourself some dollar ninety-nine give yourself some of them ass pickles [Applause] [Music] nothing like a big jar you know I don't know you think people know what they're doing they write this stuff gore getting a lift from Clinton spirit [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] look at this study finds link between alcohol and passing out and wonder what the link could be read carefully pay attention to the details now Kevin oh you're big ken griffey jr. fan right oh babe you know the man's let himself go look at this now griffey arrives at Reds complex yeah I tell you know guys a couple weeks off and boom I put this one in for George W Bush I thought he might get a kick out of it this is a picture from the Georgetown Democratic Party headquarters its Democratic headquarters headquarters [Laughter] here you go you got any friends in the NRA they love this it's the shotgun shell reef an Imagine didn't shoot it with flare came up with this idea what and what says Christmas more other than 50 60 rounds of ammunition this one get out of jail fast I was in the phonebook Harry's bonding company your feet will be on the street in a heartbeat and look at the bottom line if you're arrested while wearing our t-shirt will bond you for free their shirts for you know the influence on children keV it's terrible you see why kids turn to drugs at Sierra's like this choco crack cereal it's crack with extra sugar on you know sometimes honesty is not the best policy Pontiac 87 Fiero must sell wife too fat for car I like I like the new wife is too fat for the car what was the old way free gift buy this for only dollar ninety-nine by one enema get a second enema as a free gift and what could be a more personal gift than that Detroit Free Press truancy session poorly attended I don't know why we asked the kids to come in what happened donation of pet food will benefit needy seniors all please I'll give you a little dish that says grandpa on the side little plastic bowl Oh horrible is that you know are people just going nuts don't we have editors in this one grant program ensures students reading by force gray [Applause] missing finger fireworks now with two locations is something from the police log look at this man reported police he was missing a watch and hundred olives from his home Andy so also missing the woman he brought home the previous night [Applause] it's the Presidents Day sale yes one president Ben Franklin / dealer invoice you all remember President Ben Franklin don't you recently dr. Irving smiler left with his wife Elaine Brantley not quite not quite through with the shots when he got one more one more I don't even understand this Valentine's love foal 6.5 inch [Applause] and imagine what that is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hi Darla is Darla you know people are getting dumber and dumber this is a plastic ball okay it's a plastic ball you mind you playing okay this has directions on it these are legal okay it says here place ball in hand call dog by name and then throw a ball you know it's like we're idiots now look you know it's look at this students become bilingual by studying in two languages okay perhaps that's an isolated incident look at this Smith when spilling me [Applause] maybe she can use that wind to get look a freshman look at this healthier child sis succeed in school child care will be provided for toddlers up to 12 years old you know now if your twelve-year-old is so toggling there's your government at work look at this scientists say the reason the Alabama sturgeon is so rare as as to seem endangered is that there is no such fish there never was efforts to protect it economists point out are a waste of money and a car stupid kids give us stupid criminals when this guy unarmed forty-three old man into the Wells Fargo Bank on Main Street demanded $1000 hundred dollar bills and tell her told the man to go out and wait in his car and the bank employees would bring him the money man was sitting in his car in the police and the FBI showed up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is my favorite story of the week I love this story here it killed me oh it's Ottawa Canada we have some Canadians here okay church closes food bank because it would attracts poor people a busy Church food bank known for offering warm drinks in snack as it's closing so it's attracting too many wrong type of people a lot of street people that made us uncommon for people I guess you know the head of coca-cola look at this I'm first look at the headlines it says coke cans 6000 and biggest layoffs ever and look at there there's Douglas daft anybody had latest laser skin resurfacing you have to be very careful look at this how to age gracefully with lasers laser skin resurfacing al jolson apparently okay yeah look at that delicious treat new crop of strawberries look a little unripe to me yeah not quite ripe you know I say spend the extra money and get clean toothbrushes oh sure you could save a dollar you know proms obtain you know when I was a kid I don't know if you did this cab did you decorate the high school gym for your prom I didn't go to them go to your pond let's say you couldn't get a date but that's we did we decorated the prom you know your dad drove you look at this prom accessories really this doesn't look too appetizing pee candy and dispensers [Music] [Applause] look at this rapid weight loss free samples lose three hundred and five pounds every week that seems excessive to me seems like it would be a bit much more idiots more stupid people Cardinal serving tray exactly like the Sandpiper serving tray only different this tray features Cardinals which happened to be the state bird of over 75 US states here's bond jumpers people have jumped bond look at the first guy there's a is Douglas is $10,000 reward look the next guy 500 next guy 25 I like the last guy look at this three dollar and fifty cent reward No what do people think and look at this at old mattress urine-soaked very smelly not fit for human use give it to a dog or something why would you go down to the newspaper stand in line pay money and place that [Applause] [Music] as the Valentine shaking gorilla with banana what that has to do with Valentine's Day look at this Falcons fold in second half you know there's a guy that can jump Wow who was that guy I like this question of the week who's gonna win the Superbowl Rams of the Titans look at this guy Titans because when they win they score more points how many more one more we got alright alright to this one you know poor Clinton you know women just go nuts for him they just go nuts for him here's Spain's Queen Sofia look at this just going nuts for Clinton look at that there she is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's one from my hometown paper the Boston Globe take steps to deal with dangerous dog and boy what a dangerous looking to going there don't attempt to approach the animal here's a poorly worded sentence their students cook and serve grandparents here's hair man's hair replacement I love there are you tired of masquerading as a bald man that's what it's look at this but look at that there you go look at the before and after picture pretty much yeah yeah there you go from Ed Asner to the lead singer from air supply [Laughter] I'm gonna show you the headline I'm gonna read you the story you know there are some people ok look at this it says seven-foot alligator a tax couple who went from midnight swim okay to go oh it's too bad terrible they go for a midnight swim Dawes is that's the lady's name who received 75 stitches on her leg said they should have been more careful we've been sitting there the water talking before it got dark and saw the Gator stick his head out of the water a couple of times before we went in that guy doesn't know how lucky he is that a girl's you you know this is my favorite picture of the week synchronized swimmer Megan Kinney 14 of Encino with her team now she there she is there's Megan doesn't make it look terrific that's art that turn the back row isn't she something huh look at this items include 200 items these are things they serve at the restaurant some of the delicious said look at that one there roast dock what is that what is that what is that pterodactyl what is that can I see that in Jurassic Park what is that it you know I'm gonna pass on the roast duck right now this is the blotter Crimewatch look at that Elgin five twenty five dollar bills were stolen between midnight and 8:00 a.m. so folks if so it should be easy to spot if someone gives you a twenty five dollar bill crime watch and March first something was stolen from someone at the base if you have any information like what was stolen and when it happened please give us a call nothing funnier mean and stupid criminals here you go Anna polo local restaurant was robbed I'm gonna read this to you the first tip-off that the robbery of a Pollo Loco might have been an inside job was the shirt one of the robbers was wearing the man burst in the restaurant playing in a polo local employee shirt with his name he was soon Africa Bob had you know as me you know I don't know why we have such a problem that's country with spelling lately it's like no one said it's a computer thing nobody writes nutrients like those in breast milk appear to make baby smarter here you go new mistake proof grammar spelling bee is that hard is that a hard to words to spell ok friendly he'll students knocked out of spelling bee regional ok robert toombs spell me me or you might want to go to the spearing be mathematics and English teacher wanted friend of mine got this in a fortune cookie and gave it to me fortune cookie in a Chinese restaurant and gambler not only will lose what he has but also lose what he doesn't have today's lucky number seven twelve here's the crass fare look at that folks what a deal admission two dollars adults under twelve free pretty much Gary Coleman and that's about it you know if you're gonna go drinking drink sensibly I would not recommend this product Seagram's Vivi yeah now this is monogrammed bathroom tissue look at their slogan the choice of food service professionals now before I come back out to your table with your food I always you know we got to pay teachers more money I'm sorry we have to pay teachers more money this is so unbelievable just to show I'm not making it up here's the actual clip several teachers at Lindsey Thurber high and Red Deer Alberta reacted to a bomb threat note found in the classroom by sending students out to search lockers to find the bomb one teacher extra credit [Applause] [Music] [Applause] here's the daily Californian question you think it is reasonable for the City Council to ban small concealable handguns frances phelps it's common sense why would you allow people to walk around with guns I think people the gun should be shot in the face one more and finally well this Wow I'm sorry I don't know what this guy's up to here it says back injury on the job I doubt it [Music] maybe stick to doing your job now you wouldn't have a back injury okay [Applause] [Music] oh boy this is gonna hurt his campaign keV look at this drug offenders serving less prison time keep going closer look what is Bush doing there handed yeah right handed yeah yow gas cloud prompts evacuation of : away from the burrito hey NER NER NER NER here's low country barbecue and Buffay this here is a little country barbecue and buffet located in the old clock restaurant look at look at this they're going upscale look at that we now have silverware you see now uptown folk using utensils we can use I don't know why this made me laugh this makes me laugh much as anything I've ever seen it's just so stupid conference tables special oh yeah that's a hell of a conference Microsoft conference table now I'm sorry I take it back this one makes me laugh this is so stupid this is Atkins diet this is some kind of pill there it is and I like the as I look at it going close not actual size it says take three of those every day is the Fayetteville exchange club proudly announces the annual bean supper and silent awesome I don't think it's gonna be quite as silent as perhaps we have anticipated now this seems rather cruel and a lovely woman a lovely woman she's on West Wing one of my favorite actresses you all know her ladies and gentlemen of course that's going close stockyard Channing later don't confuse it with Stockard Channing the lovely actor is that stockyard this is creepy Florida Dental Center one day one day all your teeth in one day and look at the difference look at that look at that look at the before picture apparently he was a homeless guy with no teeth and now look at him now a parent apparently photography not in wide use in the Florida area some sort of police sketch artist Tony Montana Tony Montana huh you want to buy some gold and silver chains that come on you want it you want to meet my little friend [Applause] here's the police log December 27 705 vehicle driven by David King struck an illegally parked deer on u.s. 59 how many times you see deer just hanging by the side of the road need crushed ice we have bags and bags great for making drinks 24.95 per bag look at that note not responsive assault gravel bits of dirt or cat litter found in the ice here's a clever guy here is one clever guy he's got a spa for sale look at that hot tub seats one man five [Applause] [Music] this guy's phone's ringing off the hook as stupid as this spyglasses take pictures in secret they may look like ordinary sunglasses but they actually hold a hidden autofocus camera oh boy yeah it surprised somebody with that pretty much you know something people are so stupid people are so good people are no smarter than they were 300 500 years ago look at this product I mean increase sexual confidence with pouch magnet in your pants pocket or underwear small but powerful magnet designed to sit invisibly at the bottom of your trouser pocket or in the pouch of your underwear where it continually Bay's the male organ and a gentle energized magnetic field to the refrigerator [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] one of my favorite areas dumb criminals says Florida jail escapee caught asking for directions an inmate who broke out of the Santa Rosa County Jail last month was captured in Georgia after you flagged down a police officer and asked directions to a known drug dealer I guess we're in that County prison sure didn't help mm here's a wonderfully bad taste item wonderfully bad take it's called the spirit of Titanic look at that it's a snow globe would be sunk in shipping I think if you shake it little bodies float around of it there's a store with their new spring colors beautiful ones aren't they beautiful beautiful spring what are we got go to weddings all right go to weddings let's see what we have here are some people getting married okay some of these are kind of interesting here's the rector car winning there's the Dean Belcher wedding yeah folks it's the bare bosom wedding it's the growing long wedding yeehaw it's the Johnson Duncan you boys like that cowboy sex it's the rider more wedding anonymous this one the bayonet bender wedding the lickin off wedding [Applause] [Music] the pulling would wedding [Music] here's a badly written headline from The Daily Item protesters protests protest signs protests here's the Iowa farmer today probably maybe not a lot of happens in Iowa this is a huge headline I'm sure it's a lovely place I've never had this happen poop pellets could pass for party snacks so please so you farm kids be careful at those parties okay don't eat the red raisins here's your school system here we go customer can't order half doesn't McNuggets this guy says I'm going to McDonald's I looked at menu so you could have an order of six nine or twelve chicken McNuggets I asked for half a dozen McNuggets kids say we don't have to have it doesn't gonna get six before taking to the eyes with friends Peter Linden 13 of Denville says he uses 300-pound dad to test whether the ice will hold Hague okay I didn't want to show you the headline before you show you the what I what many people consider the humorous part I'm not sure this would say young man's life improved after autho Ganic am I saying that right mouth Organic surgery okay I'm gonna read this story young man young Brian six years old Dennis the foreman of the boys underbite would only worsen over time that they went on the purpose of affair he had no self-esteem he was self-conscious about his looks his eating habits he was afraid to go out of the house the kid says I look like Jay Leno [Music] I'm Brian right here I look like Jay Leno we gotta call his kid and see what he looks like I think he's a rather handsome young man before that horrible surgery gets figured in being silly just made me laugh I look like it was horrible I look like Jay Leno I don't even understand this product who wouldn't make this thing look at this for kids look at those kids it's Easter bomb bags squeeze the mystical object inside the bag explodes in five seconds and what better gift for east of an exploding bag here you go of his puppies for sale looking for new homes mom German Shepherd dad one nightstand big Republican place this for sale when ten-month-old jackass small named Al Gore called gwb I wonder that would be well I talked about feather your own nest look at this free jellybeans with every package of Colgate toothpaste explain this to me this is adopt options the County Humane Society there's shadow look at the cat look at itself two and a half years old loves making biscuits on your lap wow this is so stupid we're easy to find this guy's got a store it's a hardware store and look at the map you see this is men seeking women ambulance-chasing attorney recently disbarred and currently hundred Dyckman seeks lady for honest relationship is one from my home state of Massachusetts cab look at this way you know what you know if you want to be a policeman in Boston you have to live in Boston you know that if it's a residency requirement easy look at this for police officer petitioned the city to be exempted from the twenty four-year-old residency rule requires police to live in Boston within your employment the officers want to move outside the city claiming it's too dangerous for police to live in Boston there we go stupid criminals my favorite part of the show look at this I'm going to show you the headline telltale clue trips up bank robbery suspect what could the telltale clue be well there's bank robber yesterday save Jacksonville police some time by writing the demand note on the back of a police report of his previous arrest here's another genius get a look at that face as William Rogers this guy attacked a barmaid with a 2x4 Rogers heard about a composite sketch it was hanging in the bar he went down to the bar to see if it looked like him and the police do you think this looks like me uh this seems real up inappropriate for the New York Times okay what does it sense of New York time see right there New York Times Yankees Clemens appears to have extension in hand and look at the photo [Applause] [Music] this is so bizarre we asked what period in the world in the history of the world do you think of the all-time worst this is Nick Ennis look what he says I think obviously that period of monkey man hybrid during evolution was probably the least fun I would hate to have lived at a grunting drooling ape without the sense to bathe or the means to prevent massive amounts of body hair from engulfing my bean plus I look like Jay Leno one more let's see if we have notes a good one when tomorrow well this last one is very odd this is the club Mike host e plays with himself Tuesday the 25th headline center care The Tonight Show with Jay Leno 3000 watts Alameda Avenue Burbank California 9 California [Music] hey folks think you had a bad day oh I had a terrible day I was awful no no no you had a good day okay this guy had a bad day I'm going to show you the headline Louisiana heart bypass patient soon after circumcision look at Hannah Robert banks went into a state charter house before heart bypass came out circumcise mr. Hoover said mr. banks is too terrified to go anymore operation you thought your HMO was bad I know why these odds make me laugh Dennis marketing professor speaks to a small crowd in front of the law library and boy that's a real school just the smallest crowd I have ever seen in my life it's really a good toy for kids I think we need to go any further I'd like this one here this is the scene near highway 14 one mile east of Lewiston in south eastern Minnesota some folks think this may have been a tornado I don't want those folks to jump it why don't you wait here before you jump to any conclusions black man screwed again yes minority managers obscure how few reached the summit look at the picture there's a picture of bear ear and that's his eyebrow and his hair [Laughter] that's Barry's picture in the paper here's a fisher-price bib only 99 cents look at the ribs I love my daddy I love my mommy who my daddy [Applause] you know people are real house stupider people this look at this this is the fat begone ring and see that it says it says this okay it says there's a popular beef that you can lose weight in various parts your body by applying pressure to one of your fingers so you're wearing this ring you lose weight look what it says at the bottom ring is not being sold with medical device for best results maintain a nutritionally balanced diet and exercise regularly oh here's a lovely toy for kids oh the Titanic slide look you can have fun like the real passengers in Titanic here's another example of how stupid people are getting you know when you go to a fast food restaurant after you have a North this you know the cash registers don't have money don't have numerical symbols they have pictures of the food on them now because people are so stupid they can't up like like ten and five four they have like one hamburger two hamburger this is a this is a phone instead of putting speed dial putting the name you put pictures of things you want to and now look at the center whose dog has a cell phone honey get me Rex on the phone right away would you please he's on the speed down yeah I think it's a cell number on there it's killed me I'm sorry every time I see this I laugh and I mean this is the 730 this is a safety card for Canadian airlines ok 737 safety you know it's got all the like I'll show you I'm gonna show you here ok you know all the different things you're supposed to do right ok look at the guy leaving the plane who is that guy I don't know why I love that makes me laugh alright you folks you're thirsty try some delicious Clorox bleach drinks you know a trick they're advertising is make things sound appealing sell the sizzle not the steak there's some dead green bananas I got this in my windshield and eliminating necessary waste no more fliers yes Stefan Alexandria he's a hairstylist master stylist and look at that lovely there you go women you want to be taken seriously in the workplace that's the hairstyle yeah not good if you're a cab driver okay here's MasterCard executive business card there you go look at that card the young women's Christian ass could I see your ass card folks I looked at this for 10 minutes and then I realized how scary it was look at the photo now the mom has three hands there's one scary is that keep an eye on those kids scary is that women I don't know I don't know women's fashions I'm sorry I'm thinking that woman could probably wear these pants women explain that to me I don't even know what that is because you know I have a pair of pants like that but and what's sweeter than placing a personal ad in the paper that your loved one could see look at this one buckwheat I'm sorry what I did I do love you and hope you can forgive me would love to marry you love always the whole although accidents comes meet dr. Larry Castro there's dr. Larry right there yes well you feeling the pain here you go man washing instructions do not dry clean do not iron is that a problem guys honey would you take my jock down to the dry cleaners please folks I'm going to show you this one I don't even think I have to say anything you can read it yourself [Applause] [Music] Oh what the hell will end while we're ahead [Music] he's always amused me Mayor Robert bridges third from right and other Statham city official pose her picture with Ernie the Keebler Elf fourth from left would you either let me read the can so forth from the left there we go generously captioned forth from left there you go I like this one this is kind of cool I'm like a Waterford boy eight years old saves sister's life uses the Heimlich maneuver which he learned from teeth look at this I wouldn't do it again geez been a pain this week if you read the Daily Record briefly today's paper may be late some daily record reading so if you want to I haven't gotten your paper yet just get your paper and it's right in there someone sent me this Wonka thrills candy look at this Logan the gum that tastes like soap probably why you haven't heard of it his doctor got stool softener can help remove ear wax buildup you know you know you might want to think about changing your diet really talk about something for brains anyway here you go American students why our school system is the best if you were going to be an exchange student in an Asian country which one would it be Mike young the senior I would go probably France you wonder why kid just screwed up read the school lunches let's see Knox County school lunch look at Friday April 28th rings of life meatloaf twisters ground covers mulch roots clouds peaches dirt pie and energy fluid yeah we have good diets in this guy there's no VAX bar and grill by one booger get one free I enjoy that with some assorted pop secret microwave bleach there you go is that I love this one here look at super mini ears now see that what do you think that is folks what do you think that is hearing a hearing aid God super mini air look small size fits right in your ear lightweight you've got a volume controller but it says we're required by some government agencies in some areas of state this is not to be used as a hearing aid firm that must be the stool you get your ear for the wax this this is a bank this is the most disguise disgusting Bank I've seen look when you put the money in this dog Bank what is that [Applause] they're really gonna get you to save Lu you know put the coin in Mads here's doctor God again you know the the guy just had these foot stool softener in your ear under this question doctor God well a sunscreen protect against nuclear radiation you know I'm not a physician I'm guessing no see I had number 48 on how stupid of people you're smart enough to write a letter how do you even ask this question who played the part of ET or was it an alien there's dis more homes look at that too bad walk-in closet and two large panties [Applause] another house here exquisite Eastern home awaits private 3.5 acre view guest house look at the last sentence comes with enormous poop look at that that's why they gave you the big panties who doesn't know this how can you be in the newspaper but not oh the Beatles reunite writing book brings three of the four brothers together hey they were brothers right like a five dollar question on Regis again these ones with captions always make me laugh there's Tim Morrissey clears undergrowth from blueberry rose at the Eberhardt farm off steamboats island and Sunday looking on his ten-year-old son Thomas his salon Kellogg David says I knew it and see a new hairstyle apparently Rasputin is the commander get your hair cut by David [Applause] folks if you're as concerned as I am about gum control love the way car dealers talk gallant ranked number one for the first consecutive year breathable air high-rise fires breathable air look at this device here you take the thing you stick it in the toilet folks you might want to flush before you start breathing the air look at this kid here Brooks sample of Harrisburg arrested at the Sigma Chi house with 2:30 a.m. for public intoxication 20 to depart the nude subject was humping a stop sign Brooke if you're watching give us a call what sample of Harrisburg [Applause] the sign said stop [Applause] [Music] and I can't get away without least one of these Lewinsky back on her feet [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you know folks and this photographer should be fired on this newspaper because the first rule of photography you don't take people's picture standing in front of a steer head look at this you're in great hands with hair handlers [Applause] you know rather than say Yogi Bear and scooby-doo visit children look at this headline huge bear and six-foot dog have children for breakfast [Applause] portable toilet bomb police have nothing to go on college kids getting dumber I don't know I'm the passenger it says what do you like most about college life and then they talk to a bunch of kids his Clinton Shane Taylor from East Central Oklahoma first of all I like having responsibilities of living solo second the women flocked to me like the salmon of Capistrano you've all seen the salmon swim upstream to Capistrano okay here's a Spokane african-american voice hey the voice in the brothers missable can area there you go look at this Bob lost the photo [Applause] [Laughter] here's crystal Thompson of Northridge Northridge ville one the teenage division of the Cleveland coast-to-coast pageant and was voted miss overall photogenic and what that's what you call a white girl care that's a white girl got this on our fax machine here at the office fax advertising works boy it sure does than that yeah quote former Vice President Dan Quayle it isn't pollution that is harming the environment it's the impurities in our air and our water that's doing [Music] okay free puppies part Spitz datsan and pick a nice that cause to be a nice on now now here's the Marco Island Eagle bellman says he fought in another bellman there's a whole story nonetheless and a witness says he did not see anything [Applause] gee I wonder why they're not selling Department mrs. Paul's dreaded fishsticks [Applause] is Joanne Barth's amazing results I've lost 60 pounds and I'm not on a diet look the pan she has on are bigger than the one she's holding [Applause] now I got to show you this is the Corpus Christi Corpus Christi Catholic Church look what they have on the back here McGuire's Irish pub feasting delivery and debauchery debit and bibury am I saying bibury and bibury by Verizon by burying Biff I don't know I should be in here this sounds good come in folks get your delicious meat load sandwich here's a daybed for sale may also be used at night Oh Aaron give me a break look at Aaron's head 1000 used condoms possibly recycle call Aaron shut up Aaron Aaron you lyin weasel yes someone has a Chester drawers for sale this week on the History Channel crimes and trials profiling Jack the stripper even though Jack the stripper unbelievable yeah you know you buy these trucks my Isaac if you get a truck you got a stick shift you got a radio heater that was it look at this there's a 96 Dodge 1500 SLT CC 4x4 black with grey automatic air conditioning cruise tilt look at this an automatic a Swiper that's a heck of a deal [Applause] don't need to get out of the truck [Applause] I don't know why this is the women's menopause transition and meeting right after that the man's grief support when he got some weddings I will go to weddings go to weddings these are people who have unusual names just got my fate has brought these people together in matrimony pool little friend cool little friend with I like this one it's the Wanamaker roar roar wedding want to make a roar here's a nice one it's the chumma heinie wedding [Applause] about the here'sh jock itch wedding here's Vermont only it's the gay carpenter wedding oh this poor guy it's the small wiener [Applause] it's these screws Herbert wedding or Hebert wedding fears Johnson filling or good how about the Peters holder wedding and finally it's the Bush grabber wedding that's I'm very excited about this swimming cast because my cat hates what everyday I get in the shower you know it's not acid I love the cat every morning I gotta bet walk the cat follows meow meow it's just water every day we have this stupid argument so I want to my cap to watch tonight to see that the swimming cat maybe it'll get over this phobia Mother's Day contest the grand prize $150 gift certificate from bill for these men's fashions so they are Mama's have to pay I guess how stupid is this I mean this is like the thing they teach you no man starts fire by using lighter to look into gas can ironic discarded toilets lie in a field along highway P I like this guy would you marry a stranger if that person was a millionaire yeah I would I know she got money so that's one thing you wouldn't have to worry about we can work out the rest under her face is messed up we'll just go buy her another one there you go there you go guys got it together now this is something someone bought in the hardware store kitchen works for peace mousetrap and look look it's the chef's joy every burger now is bacon Burger King McDonald's look look at this even tied tied ultra tied now with bacon explain to me why a bird would do this okay it's the swinging cat bird feeder now why would a bird crawl into a cat here's Davis's Street Davis Street fish market look at their slogan they get the meatloaf mama I'm coming home with the crabs [Applause] okay here is a poorly worded sentence King of Prussia man found dead police believe the well-armed survivalist killed himself before setting his apartment on fire okay he killed himself then set his apartment on fire a counterfeit 30 dollar bill serial number l9 525 was seized at Kmart so I guess the clerk recognized the serial number his is the stupidest bank robber Sacramento police responding to a bank robbery found suspect ed rose 55 standing outside the American Savings Bank his accomplice Theodore Cole had taken the getaway car to be washed [Laughter] here's another idiot a cop giving a driver a ticket notice that the man signed a different name than the one he had originally given when the officer has why the man said because I have dope in my pocket no pun intended err bras are new on racks here's a hell of a deal get your east of Turkey now half-price after Easter sale would be full price if they've been refrigerated at a cooling on what do we got here is a hell of a deal is a hell of a deal you know deals are out there you it's up to you to find them look at this free piece of wood you come and get it and boy this is making my mouth water JW is fine mark look there's lean and nasty veal back rib lean and nasty this really appropriate children it's S&M Playland yeah hey kid be sure to hurt yourselves who women you having this problem can't sleep headaches hot flushes I don't know I just looks like sexual harassment to me I don't know you'd be the judge look at this here's cheetahs on the river business entertaining groups of four more received their picture free with a model dancer or an oven-roasted chicken dinner you get your picture taken with the model or the chicken dinner I don't know and finally look at this guy here's Steve Jenkins in scale technology look at look at this picture well perhaps this is not the most good says awakening an elephant lazy P stand for thank you very much what is what is apartheid legal that's right segregation essentially right right these are not obscure things we talked to some African Americans we asked them about their black history see what they knew this breakfast rank History Month how's your blank here so you've been studying can't forget the pen that's true we have been standing at all of it are you prepared for this I don't know quite a bit you know quite a bit okay yeah what does n-double-a-cp stand for the National you know it's like a $5 question on Regis okay it's like a five dollar question on Regis what do the initials N double AC P stand for in double AC P I can't even fake oh my god I can't even think about TGIF God it's Friday you think of that all right yeah you know what Memphis is February yeah but what's special about favorite Valentine babe Valentine the shortest month of the year they give us black history that's what it is it's good again what amendment freezes late I believe it was the 26th amendment no wrong by half really what is apartheid apart I never heard of it I'm not sure you never heard of it yeah who was the woman that refused to give a receipt in the bus Rosa Parks then what city was that due to to to to to to um can we use a lifeline no I'm sorry there are no lifelines and there's no money and your name is Petri Hawkins bird right and you are of course uh Judy that's millions of people know you they watch you every day who was a woman who fused to give a proceed on Montgomery Alabama bus Rosa Parks what's the wife of George Jefferson's nickname the wife's nickname enjoys Jefferson's wife nickname what is it who was a black leader who led the revolt against the British that turned into the Boston Massacre hmm did Larry vote against the British or the first one killed which one was that man well I have led the revolt he was a Crispus Attucks maybe whole Christmas oh very good yeah but he didn't lead to revote I don't think well he had like the first victim or something I think they said Christmas stand up go down and see what's current president of the n-double a-c-p oh I can't pronounce this brother's name mmmm [ __ ] where is he a crazy crazy that was crazy for thinking that your love can hold I'm crazy for trying and crazy for love you ever heard Louie I'm sure ya never heard Louie arms back he was a black guy he was like Hello Dolly this is Luis dally before my time what was Louis Armstrong's nickname Louis finish this phrase I had a bagel for lunch I had a dream keep hope alive once you go black the famous baseball player black baseball player who broke the color barrier Hank Aaron I mean uh yeah Hank Aaron what yeah Peter oh I'm gonna say Pete Rose yeah Pete Rose Pete Rose the brave black man who broke unfortunately because he bet on a white man he was thrown out of baseball [Applause] this is not really headline this is a product obviously made in China I don't know sometimes they package things and you don't speak the language look folks salt and pepper shakers yeah hey pass the salt Clinton wants more money for women I guess so here's one that comes in all the time in various guises and forms v's oh I don't know why the always make me laugh above the US Representative James Sensenbrenner addresses a small crowd at the slinger townhall that is a tiny crowd is that ladies and gentlemen stupid criminals 19 year old gratitude brings fake ID charge which holy man apparently learned the hard way Thursday to quit when you're ahead he was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol and driving down a one-way street he was taking him to Macau me jail he posted bond he thanked the jailer for not charging him with having a fake ID the cop said fake ID and he was re-arrested there's a vibe as a bright guy for street talk question of the week what attracted you to the tri-lakes area and why I like the bottom guy huh I was told to come here by my wife homeowners making plans for property tax rebate then the question is what will you do with your rebate look at Bob here sure I'm all for the rebate I'm gonna use it to put in a brand new driveway finance the rest then declare bankruptcy that's the American Way didn't even understand this one there's Stephen Zelman MD okay he specializes in disney diseases what would that be [Music] you first-time homeowners when you look for a new house be very careful look at this ad here's a brand new Worcester home 3-bedroom 2bath yeah that second bath looks a little suspect doesn't it yeah it's more like one and a half bath I don't know if I want to take a bath in there here's one so tiny can you get in there and one says kitchen table sleeps I like this add 25 inch console TV occasionally goes black but stomping on the floor brings it back company looking for a full time rodent control worker must be able to lift 30 pounds minimum how big of these rats I don't think I'll be going to Dillard's in Crestwood a I'm sure it's a fine restaurant but wanted server FTP T hepatitis A required sorry have all the hepatitis B people we need thank you for looking out as an ad for a clock it's the Philips Magnavox clocks and what a good clock it look what time is it Bob it's about 780 about 780 I think ya think you have about 90 minutes past 5:00 is that good I have nothing worse than school lunch and they're so sneaky school lunches they are so sneaky look at this now I'm gonna show you Wednesday even Wednesday March 29th spaghetti meat sauce oh that was it's a soft breadsticks that's the key soft breadsticks we've got a Thursday the next day Pizza green beans crunchy police blotter this is where people call you know the cops have a tough job people idiots complaining 200 block Cambridge Avenue 557 citizen called police when a man began telling his life story to them call the cops Bob you know I don't you know I I am NOT a good speller okay I admit that I'm a little dyslexic but you know at least I try if I was running a newspaper come in get some free fresh mints these are not refreshments these are fresh mints here's the Ritz camera shop the Canon sure shot capture a memory I don't even understand why you would want this dopey product the new handy drink cool pooch the cool pooch is innovative design allows you to drink from the same plastic bottle as your pet [Applause] all right let me see what we got here one minute huh well this is III I don't even know if I should show this I guess I guess it's an ad for a bakery I would have posed the man just a little bit differently [Applause] [Music] have you like me don't you jumbo antelope [Applause] no one more and it is my this guy you go folks there's asphalt rollers asphalt rollers [Applause] [Music] well here's the headline from a guy I went to school with guy named Dean Eastman who is voted Teacher of the Year this is from my local paper in Andover Massachusetts graduates trade booty for diplomas how long has that been going here you go Bush rallies volunteers look at this better picture Barbara Bush jokes with the crowd in Lansing see that Barbara Bush jokes with the crowd yes siree Bob you know what I get this woman angry ladies and gentlemen boy when I saw this my mouth was watering dove invisible solemn antiperspirant in assorted flavors you like ethnic food don't you Kim well the folks at Pepsi a proud sponsor of the International geek food festival I understand Bill Gates keynote speaker you know I don't think the Canadian school system is any better than ours you know our neighbors to the north this is if someone picked this up in Toronto beautiful little wall hanging it's Canada Canada Canada Canada it's a small country north of Nova Scotia this is a little creepy annual sidewalk sale free hotdogs courtesy of neutral pet foods this looks suspicious pass your pre-employment or random drug test guaranteed call mr. Dubey there you go there's the hands-free fan only three ninety-nine hey what's she holding in [Applause] you know I love stupid criminals I love stupid criminals I'm gonna show you that you know I'll show you the headline so you shouldn't let's not fake a woman robbed the North Korean business my name is police said but but look at this when officers arrive a clerk laundromat told the woman entered the business and requested change for $20 bill she handed to the clerk Clark went in the office gets changed the woman the suspect followed her pulled a knife and demanded the money that was in the register and the register was a $10 bill and a $5 bill Limone took the money and ran out so she lost five bucks in the robbery here's a pretty stupid thing pet doorbell is a real ringer and pets are smiling eliminate irritating barking and scratching you dog barking to get outside will see the dog steps on that pad and look what it does it gives the sound of a dog barking can you see the pad where there you go seem to think the dog steps on that you say and it gives the sound of a dog bark oh boy high school kids are sharper than ever what's your best memory from this past school year Liz look at John now watching people trip going up the stairs [Applause] campus comments how are gas prices affecting you look at Blair Benton well I run so much with my car I don't have any money left over for alcohol off the cuff we asked shoppers at Safeway what Olympic event are you most excited about watching this summer look at this guy the bobsledding it's a terrific event is the park city of Salinas look when it's open dusk-to-dawn so don't try to go during the day okay look at this truck easy by 22,000 something more and more these two women that's the demonstration model demonstrates big end of the month savings hey how gross is this futon mats some slight soiling you know there are a lot of Chinese restaurants that don't succeed not because the food isn't good not because the police the people aren't very nice they just have unfortunate names that don't translate well there's the full hole [Applause] you know I'm not even gonna save this one you can read it yourself you know it's bad enough when you see baseball players out there grabbing themselves you know but when it's Joe Torre look at this guy look at him in Hernandez here you go everybody's doing it earn extra cut extra cast enjoy short cuts and look there are more on routes available over 200 year old stone home enjoy unique features like new baths concrete basement to homes like this never last long fiji escapes 8 days and 5 nights in paradise Internet addiction treated online one more this one's kind of interesting what I love about women Saturday should have said that correction Linda gamely only accused Daniel McArthur of being the devil not of being unfaithful seed to women that's far worse and finally here you go this is interesting this is a suppository look at the directions unwrapped and insert one suppository per rectum para this is Madoff one of the NBC executives that's why apparently I'm not even gonna go there I've been there lovely town officials put foot down on dog waste here's a hard-hitting headline exit polls shows st. Peter's residents voted for or against status quo that tells you all of it this one here here you go Diana Ross and two women who claimed the biggest Supremes perform July 17 as we claim to be the supreme [Music] this is one of my favorites of the day here you go first the headline in the headline crackhead reports gunshots fired on it then there's a whole little story that in the paragraph when asked why someone would be shooting at him the man reportedly told police he's a crackhead and steals from his neighbors to support his habit well you can't get more honest than that hi Bob crackhead oh aiiah nice to see ya I likes his name peace his that's his name crackhead that's not gonna help you in court you know I'm sorry this is but I love about when government officials issue things sewage spill kills fish but water safe to drink okay you know I mean just push those dead fish out of the way it's something I'm surprised you see the more you travel the more you know writer finds Iceland a complete change from Las Vegas really really thought those two would be so similar are we in Iceland or Vegas Oh sometimes the best intentions you know save the whales trip cut short after boat rams whale [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] now the whale is suing Johnnie Cochran representing I went up there here's something vision could affect your hunting skills Hugo Bartlet to celebrate fourth of July and in the paragraph before the July picnic will be held Tuesday July 4th with Saturday July 2nd as the rain game if you can wait just about a year sometimes you have to look this isn't the want ads or in the employment section excuse me large orange orange beast seeking employment I can't understand why I'm not getting any job I put an ad in the paper who does it need a large orange beast here you go Swiss Chris flake form natural herb laxative can also be used as a facial sauna but not after you've used it as a laxative I want to say again you don't want to get those confuse read the directions carefully here are some fine American women the headline ycc honors those who embody spirit of the American woman now this one woman down there looks a little butch - mate I'm June yeah jeez yeah yeah I think yeah I just well thank the cracking down counsel limit sex offenders to one per household so--but your dad you got to get your own place mind your manners things you should never do at the table number one talking with your mouth open apparently this is ventriloquist's only you know sometimes again people come here for another country they open a restaurant a lot of people have trouble with English this is the yucky sushi restaurant why aren't we getting any customers this looks real suspicious this looks like a product that was intended for something else and they've just adapted it to cats lucky cat big this guy had a parody couldn't sell yeah what's the playpen how they play in their house the can't even get up on that high one like that don't look like your play it's a cage is whatever Wow yes I don't know what they're thinking this is your North Heights not your typical Lutheran Church it says perhaps they could have shot this picture differently or something the ad says my dad's be bigger than your dad [Music] you know when we came to this Lutheran Church we know it was different we just [Laughter] my dad's you get a lot more moms going now my dad's bigger than your dad okay here's a affordable divorce you know honey I didn't want to get a divorce but by golly these prices we can't afford not to $5 off okay there's the Sunbeam digital thermometer whoo that guy looks pretty sick look at the temperature 110 point four that can't be good explain this one to me removes earwax safely lighted so you can see into the ear okay so how do you look in your own theater look at the guy it's got a light on it so what all this guy can do is see the light coming out the other end baby oh you know guys are so sleazy you know I'm sorry I'm a guy but guys will do anything to get out of their responsibility I'm gonna read this is this is the police and Sheriff's logs you're not making that says carmel-by-the-sea people who call in and want to report a crime man called in to report a woman snuck into the bed he was asleep and and had sexual intercourse with him he said by the time he walk and realized it was happy what was happening it was too late two weeks later this woman called and said she was pregnant he told police he had been tricked one more all right here's one well this is this is so inappropriate and I am well it says it says pre-show scouts honor there's a dad and a Boy Scout and then there's dad and the dog relaxes they that last picture I'm sorry [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's not really a headline someone sent me this butter knife never need sharpening well duh I need you sharpen the butter knives you know how do you make this mistake how do you run a newspaper and make this mistake it's not particularly funny and says no conspiracy found investigator finds James Earl Jones acted alone when he killed Martin Luther King Luke I am your father how do you make that mistake you know you know who's doing you know I how do you make this mistake Queen ascends to throne hello Oh women oh you know you want to go out with a woman that's gotten these cab FDA approves use of saline beast implants you open that blouse [Applause] well the top of the monitor you can say can I get a wee bit of corn beer I love when the government does studies okay here are three studies here's an economist study we have people in Kentucky studied Kentucky and this is what they found poor really need more pain study number two here's another study okay this is some of the major University older kids who stay up later often our sleep here wait a minute so you're saying if I stay up late here's an inning study from the University of Alberta researchers female inmates in solitary confinement often lonely there is nothing greater to me than people who write real estate at oh these are my imagine living within your own forest it is rare look at Hegel it is rare that you can own small tracts of woodlands like these beautiful farmland surrounds this property and the landscape entry to the Davis County landfill right across the road you're living across the street from the dump and those breezes as the wind woman we had some great gifts of Father's Day Don Smith see look at that first gift black & decker black & decker master mechanics and look what else you get for Dad underneath baby form body form maxi pads or maybe dad's a Kotex man yeah Kotex maxi pads this is my favorite one this is so stupid says turn says toilet tank systems gives any bathroom an antique look you know the antique kind of toilets with the high look at this okay you see you get a shot of that [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] okay this might work in Shaquille O'Neal's bathroom you just put a piece of pipe then you go police log here we are these are people to call the police what we reported that her stereo valued at $350 was stolen out of her locked car well parked it's Sabino High School police came to the scene notice that the Chrysler was locked the alarm was set but the woman's convertible roof was down [Applause] here you go I love stupid criminals reported in a Michigan news crime column man walked into Burger King and epsilon E Michigan that's right yep son 8:50 a.m. flashed a gun demanded cash the clerk said no he couldn't open the cash register without a food order the man said all right give me some onion rings the clerk said I'm sorry onion rings are not available with the breakfast menu and the guy ran away [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I guess every company feels they need a mascot his CB fleet debuts and a man the enema man let's see new that's a new fleet enema mascot how'd you like that so did you get a job and show up I'm a mascot hoarder what are you this San Diego chicken now well the Chicago Bulls know I'm the enema man some reason ad should have people but mentioned smiling you think they get people smiling it says I don't worry about dad anymore dad is happy and active and meeting new friends at the Renaissance ranch in retirement community look at then they look at dad could dad look [Laughter] apparently uh dad just waiting to meet this guy guy look more for more than that look at that anyway our help create smiles oh boy I love creating a great smile I know I was stupid at this pony for sale looks like a small horse let's see this is from a newspaper called The Gazette primarily a bad choice of words gas levels high in Beantown [Music] the Sylvan Learning Centres I see ads of these on TV all the time with the community that he goes there I like this one here I used to hate writing Sylvan taught me how write well now I enjoy you know I'm not a great speller I'm a terrible speller I don't pretend to be good but I don't work for a newspaper all right want to spell like a champ read one stirrers dictionary why can't people spell what's the problem look at this here you go through the years this woman talks about being in the third grade this one too on this page Grand Canyon ern versity and look where it's on Camelback Road Phoenix Arizona who says there are no good jobs out there how there are four people willing to work there are great jobs in this country like this one here the Dupree School District is accepting applications for part-time head lice pullers that's only part-time so please see you know you lose something you want you want to make sure of the run people don't show up found an American flag must be able to describe it you get red white and blue yes stars in strength yes I was shocked to hear this notice the wine grit sauerkraut and cabbage event scheduled Monday has been canceled I wonder why it sounds delicious I've been starving myself a man I don't even understand how this works waitress Ron wanted work from home okay I'll be in about an hour what are you gonna have I love this one hanging out in Basin Park police officer Shelly summers chance and gets advice and maternity wear and boy those guys look like they're ready to give birth I'll pay ya you know my baby's doing about two months okay join us for a summer arts journey music voice look at dance look at the dance to teach African laughs and jazz hip hop you know I'd like to see the left possibly could I get an African lap huh that's gotta go here's a lovely Father's Day coupon for early pregnancy test I don't even understand this you know we is the most irresponsible country sometimes look at this for the man who has everything grenades I know wait go to the bottom of the ad there Ellen look loads of fun for the whole family ah what brings a father and son closer together than lobbing grenades here's anti-aging medicine anti-aging makeover skew ages 36 to 150 guaranteed to make you look five years younger you know Susan I know you're 150 but you look about a hundred and forty-five what's different look at this inmate throws crutches at deputy and flees it says it said a jail inmate escaped Friday from Denver mental health center have you held his crutches go go within the other paragraph Jackson said investigators are looking at the possibility that burr sagal may have been faking his injury really so he threw her edik well maybe it was a miracle [Applause] he's a drunk this woman was drunk driving her car she tried to impress the officer by doing a cartwheel finally she said to the officer look please give me a break I'm drunk you know nothing funny to me than stupid criminals this guy 29 year old Houston man this guy was robbing cab drivers robbed a cab driver of $300 found out there was a $4,000 reward turned himself in fishing he could collect see $4,000 got 30 years in prison looking for kya came to the right place is the place you get the best deals in the 1987 Monte Carlo SS was in excellent condition [Applause] here's sure microphones look at their selling point durable bulletproof design you know you know if you're singing and people are shooting at you here's something dad's might want to get that lovely daughter before she goes to the prom Lily of France bras looks solid brass handles metal suspension comes with two locks explain this cover your house with liquid siding did not used to be called paint hello yeah what do we got here Mike one more you know sometimes punctuate just punctuation makes all the difference you put a little period or punctuation at the end of a sentence and it changes congratulations to Tammy King on being named ass of the month for me Tammy great ass [Applause] [Music] [Applause] headlines are always good this is sometimes people do these are prescription you know I think prescription drugs from Walgreens pharmacy I'm gonna read it to you then I'll show you he's in that lion I cross out the woman's name it says unwrapped and insert one suppository rectally by mouth every four hours so you you need a really close friend to help you with this rectally by mouth every four hours Bob I know it's a lot to ask what the doctors say here's a poorly written headline maybe they're trying to be funny maybe they just don't get a doctors constipation theory poo-pooed by colleagues I don't know why this makes me laugh look at the bigger lady dynamite explodes for when lady dynamite explodes for where there is his lady dynamite legs Ellen you know that hold John Rocker controversy you know that holding New York fans and again New York fans not the most literate apparently look at that sign how do you spell ignore it yeah how do you spell ignoring rocker mean to go to the trouble you make this up but you know what look look at this I look I mean the letters are all placed correctly I mean someone's laid out this sign spelt the word I don't even get this one fourth of July savings use fireworks fireworks god bless our young people because our young people are the future of America graduates look forward to tomorrow to look forward to the future here's Bob Vincent Bob says I'm headed off to University of Montana I'm going to get my degree in something apply my degree to something and do something you want fries with that Bob dads know best this people get visors Jim Merritt he says I just wish my dad was still around so I could talk to him about the important things in life and here's Glen Allen 14 look what Glen says dad said be nice to ugly girls because they might look good later and have good-looking just thank God there was a father home to teach this young boy his any of you with Mario Youngblood you know he is a fine fine athlete he they asked him a bunch of questions I'm like question number 14 what do you like about living in Oklahoma you can pee anywhere here are some tips on fuel economy folks fuel economy the price of gas you need these tips is an interesting one here having all your tires running in the same direction substantial increases fuel economy and allows for a smoother ride it's the 2000 Ford Focus LX 4-door like look at this look at this look folks it's a European chick magnet [Applause] if somebody sent out invitations to their wedding trying to be kind of classy gates open a 4:30 [ __ ] is served at 6:00 p.m. blowout special refried bean there's Mikkel berry pre-diced ham the lice is already in the meat ladies and gentlemen give it that extra crunchiness [Applause] there's chicken dumping here's one from the Mojave Valley Daily News yeah I'm gonna find out who this is the most poorly written stupid headline who wrote this john albert al Appleby is arrested for a whole bunch of things stupid criminals keV my favorite all right police guy the police brought this man in and Maurice Smith 19 of Harrison village he placed before he went through the metal detector placed the contents of his pockets including a small amount of marijuana on the deputy's desk before going through the metal detector folks here's someone looking for a medical ass if you have a medical ass please his Emmylou Hepworth and how proud is she student presents senior piano rectal on Saturday you know when you think you got problems you meet somebody who's got a problem just a little bigger than you I don't think I need to say anything about this picture they do that for me here I said know when you get home just take everybody goes oh I don't have a hammer you not have a habit look at this guy's like six three the muscle you don't know how long another guy do it what guy here does not have a ham look every man here has a hammer thank you free man [Applause] thank you very much folks it's Monday take time for heaven [Music] [Applause] [Music] all righty keV I know you're a vegetarian but this will change your mind look at this meat from diseased animals approved for consumption look at new rules classifying tumors and open sores has esthetic problems give me a double tumor with cheese under there here's just a typical bad headline times will be good if they don't turn back here you go children invited to eat pizza with poo [Applause] outstanding attendance there's Lawrence he was outstanding attend the perfect attendance and one by Abby Creager who was absent you know I looked at this picture I said why did they send me this is it the story is it the headline and the more I looked at the picture I realized oh my god the kid has three yeah your opinion the question would you approve or disapprove of wireless tower a telephone towers in your neighborhood I like Radford Mitchell well that stuff causes cancer man unlike that thing in his mouth you know a dad is someone we downplay the role of dads in our society but dads are very important here on the street what's the worst advice you ever got from your dad here's John Dover says my dad's advice all's pretty good he told me not to piss uphill or into the wind or on an electric fence usually involves urination is advised here's the most honest photo caption I've ever seen and there's a photo look at the caption blablabla bla bla bla [Applause] [Music] you know I feel sorry when bad things happen to people but you know sometimes I'm sorry you know it's your own fault I mean this is luckily no one was killed here but okay I'm gonna read the story Cincinnati district fire chief Anson Turley said the fire was probably started by a cigarette mrs. Bingham was smoking as she changed her oxygen tank [Laughter] as Candice Bergen Candice Bergen grew up as the son of the famous ventriloquist and what a lovely artist rendering here Candice Bergen apparently that looks like the white ancho mama actually [Applause] doesn't look like Candice Bergen what are these self storming doors [Music] explain this to me naturally artificially flavored what planet of people from senior troop 891 traveled to London there's eight pieces of gold and fried chicken two breasts two legs two thighs two wings and two chicken lips first of all that's ten pieces they can't cook and they can't add this idiot there's the tailgate step helps mother-in-law to her seat really you keep your mother-in-law in the back of the truck there and I hear the cops playing playing tricky trying to catch somebody found expensive set of bolt cutters left by the burglar at construction site to claim please call Topeka police chief there's firewood look from trees this guy's in no hurry found cat 50/50 black and white very skittish been there for about two years look at the photo common sense in dealing with flashers you think they know this when they put these kind of headlines you think they really don't know what they're doing Clinton [Music] [Applause] [Music] you think they don't know what they're doing huh [Applause] we have some weddings these are people who are deeply in love who just happen to have interesting Lane names of the getting married here's the break a glass wedding there's the right left wing there's the love champion I like this one farmer to marry plant there's the gory butcher wedding look folks it's the macaroni and cheese it's the went out away it's the going get her wedding hey what's this all about this is the crap Oh deal wedding this guys smiling because he's at the king woody wedding it's the wiener Whipple wedding about the riding boots wedding and last but not least it's the whacker Daly wedding [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] okay then surprise missing evidence case stalls for lack of evidence here's a shocker Democrats pursuing women so what else is know now folks you know they just finished the restoration of the Washington Monument and in the news this is the paper today it says monument visitors get a peek at restoration now apparently it's the now the tilting monument because it didn't it used to be straight here's project management services they might want to change their slogan using PMS is the key to success yeah stupid criminals woman gives birth in court names baby felony now this seems creepy to me I'm sorry it's Rosie musical spring doll she was a pink floral dress with matching bows her head rotates too you are my sunshine some bad Linda Blair doll I had leftover you I'm I I'm gonna read you another report from the police officer was called investigating a report of indecent exposure at the kwikmart reporting party said that after parking his car a woman a nearby vehicle lifted her shirt exposed her breasts and says how do you like these the guy called the police so the police comment investigated the guy said he didn't get the name a number of the car but he could recognize the breasts if he saw them again woman goes like this hey the calls that calls 911 boy has a really stupid criminal 23 Dennis Sullivan arrested Manassas Virginia for robbery of what he thought was an armored car this guy thought it was an armored car in reality was a laundry truck delivering towels and mops he runs up with a sawed-off shotgun open the back yells grabs a bag of mop heads and runs off right there stupid his ass another dumb criminal here you go Darryl Sherman 28 got in his car drove towards the Oklahoma County Courthouse where he's scheduled to face charge of possession of marijuana for some reason because the courthouse parking was full he pulled into the Oklahoma Police parking lot two plainclothes men said hey you can't park there you're not a policeman he said oh yeah well I'm gonna park here I have to go to court they asked him for his ID he opened his glove compartment and pulled out several bags of marijuana to get to his license he was reading here's two people should get together look at the top add this in livestock ad have you seen our cow female black with a white face red tag on the ear last seen on County Road look at the ad below it is this your cow black with a white face add the red tag in her ear speak out graduates what is your most memorable experience in school I like Josh Hawkins he says was he saying here he likes English my senior English made me learn stuff never underestimate the American people it says here's another question this question was asked at the Albertson's store what type of distractions take place inside your vehicle while you're driving here's Rudy Serna Rudy says drinking beer and talking a lot on myself on a distractions but I do remain focused what is your favorite summer activity his Matthew or Donna's definitely something in the water because no one has a bad time in the water unless of course you get knocked unconscious by a jetski lose six to 13 inches as seen on TV using the slim ramp look at the guaranteed to stay off look as long as you don't gain weight now here's the no-frills supermarket that looks delicious there's healthy choice dinner and bowels [Music] dinner and bowels that looks delicious the minutes seemed funny everyone's okay how sleazy can you get there's the rustic motel what do you think he's trying to say special rates for that quick get-together family fun that's the Catskill Game Farm thousands of erotic and tame Birds for kids to play with hey yeah I don't want my kid playing with in the erotic Birds okay I'm not even gonna say this one I think you can read it for yourself keV I know you're a vegetarian I think this might appeal to you this might make you change your mind I think mouthfuls gonna water I mean look at this look at his it here's a hell of a deal look at frozen pork rectums we got a bunch of people coming over here's an odd story Hudson woman defends sun-facing S&M club charges although she was shocked to learn that of his arrest on charges that he ran an S&M sex party in Attleboro in Attleboro Benjamin David's mother said he's a decent man like I'm proud of him said the mother but the other part of me wants to spank him I think I see how this young man may have learned this behavior ego $500,000 marijuana crop destroyed in Arnold environmental division employees discovered marijuana worth an estimated street had more than five hundred thousand dollars growing on the base recently they immediately called base security for us we polled firemen twenty two plants have the ground and smoke them at the base you know if you have something like this why advertise it organ I have one a child-size one and I can't get a date I [Applause] think this one's kind of cool 24-inch round above ground swimming pool four inches deep diving board sold separately did I mention that Hansen [Applause] here's someone sent away to National Geographic look at they sent the letter back thank you for your membership but but we hope you enjoy your Titanic member and remain a valued member to young I was looking for a good car this an honest ed Pontiac Lemmons 350 here's an amazing look at that there's an ice chest with molded handles and it's amazingly lifelike it's a lifelike picture [Applause] well we have some weddings alright let's see we have winning these are actual people getting married there's the dull night Wendy people said it would never happen but apparently he did it's the gay carpenter wedding guy from the big city get married the Gotham dork [Applause] it's the rector knob wedding how about going this when it's the brown heap wedding [Applause] it's the leak but nuptial it's the goose lewis wedding and my favorite the last one the [ __ ] daily wedding ladies kid store so some products look at this it's summer kid that's a frisbee and look what it says up there caution small parts so this really a choking hazard it's another odd when I saw way to grow this teaches kids how butterflies grow see the different stages of a butterfly there's the caterpillar and they're the caterpillar and then down at the bottom it becomes a beautiful butterfly your kids aren't screwed up enough already over the edge here's one from Canada meeting on impotence turns out to be a flop profits down at nonprofit hospital [Applause] beer anti dioxin AIDS health if you drink a hundred and seventeen gallons a day you know that guys go I can do it okay I like the Webster police it webs the police with their new canines look at the part I've underlined there the commands are given to the dogs in their native language to me there's nothing better than talking to people on the street like those folks we talked to all right here's some people teen beat do you think you need to learn a foreign language Matt Hall grade 12 no cuz everyone I talked to speaks English or gibberish what event are you excited about watching this summer look at Brent kale 32 bobsledding here's the tool-house our friendly staff is waiting to serve you now there's nothing funny about this story except the last sentence this is it says I'll show you the headline it says hog beaten after fair wind somebody beat up this guy's AAG after the hog won well this is the bizarre fur look at the paragraph a grand champion market hog that was beaten and it's fair ground pen is and recovering and should be on its way to the butcher next week you okay little fella now folks always buy brand-name don't be fooled by coca-cola can that get coca-cola or the other package was another pack of this two packs coca-cola you know I admit I'm not a good speller okay but at least I try look at this menu hot dogs with grilled onions and Grey Poupon you're invited to Linda's 75th year chili party with to toot the clown you know I don't want to go to a chili party with a clown as named to toot okay wow this is my favorite story a verbal disputed a Bible discussion resulting a woman getting assaulted by the pastor police had called to the scene as the victim stated the pastor push her up against the wall choked her and that can said you better I've got to respect me while he was choking or nicely Bobby Knight has moved to the car Oh stupid criminal nothing better than stupid criminals Stephen carpenter accused of stealing clothes from the store where he worked he then was wearing them back to the store the next day he was wearing a pair of Dexter sandals and some Levi's denim shirts he went home to get money to pay for the clothes and his wallet valued $18 was also stolen from the store this is too creepy wanted someone to share six sheep as soon as possible looking for career change want to make $50 plus per year $50.00 Plaza I love people that don't follow their own instructions look at these beautiful candles remove leaves before lighting it says I like hypnosis put me back in control look at this woman look she said after hypnosis her husband said you're the sexiest woman alive you Betty had to be hypnotized do it a better newspaper you'll start seeing these improvements in this issue of the ledger Inquirer you know someone sent me this I looked at it for 10 minutes I couldn't figure out what was odd about it I'll show you the picture okay man shaking hand with another man now look at the guy's shadow on the other guys bizarre bizarre it looks like a puppet on a sticker here's another guy David Olson occupation resides in Salinas how long you lived in Monterey all my life what are some change you've seen over the years a ridiculous increase in violence and developing a farm land for coulda cookie cutter homes and shopping center auto malls what's the best part of Monterey County the rich history especially cannery row what's the worst part of Monterey County the lack of strip clubs and casinos what do we got Mike Jamar all right let's see we got here here you go continues to grow giant melon [Applause] why does Clinton keep putting himself in this situation you think his people would know casting call out for come blow your horn folks you got a headline center care The Tonight Show [Applause] [Music] I like is when Norton Healthcare offers help for women with blabber control problems this is kind of interest there you go I want you to follow these three three things here okay look at the top fire strikes Weaver egg farm then go down the picture there's a hand escaping the fur no no and then go over to the side right over there barbeque chicken dinner looking a apparently drugs more and more prominent ladies and gentlemen as a daily citizen serving Northwest Georgia for 53 years southeast pet away is Player of the weed of the weed I have a bone to pick with our Bureau of Engraving engraver tena 'the tipper men he did the new Alexander Hamilton look I took some artistic liberties including a chin reduction I didn't want Hamilton to look like Jay Leno [Music] last time I use one of those ten-dollar bills this is so stupid is the Glencoe post-office bakery has multiple uses there's the Glen post post office bakery and you see it it's me those muffins look delicious don't they I'll set them right here on this toilet what what are they thinking here this is so stupid instead of four mirrors and how much are they is seven dollars a month seventy-nine look at the fourth Mara there's some for marriage you can buy and look look the fourth mirror is broken Michael Douglas says I always pick on Michael Douglas and Catherine zeta-jones each have a birthday today zeta-jones 31 Douglas 108 all men's and mrs. Ryder's Jesus chard you got the all meat beef or garlic I like some of those beef shorts if you gottem debt management are you in debt we can get you out of debt within seven years and look we'll give you a free trip to Las Vegas boy is the stupidest ed Jerry Stephens Firestone Tire Center invite you to enjoy our tire blowout I don't what might not want to be a vegetarian after this look get some skank less ham hello mate have some Australian navel oranges [Applause] that is there now this is the stupidest thing it's party poppers 4000 noisy poppers in each box perfect for your party it's just bubble wrap and those out to your guests I got a new computer ok and I've looked in two directions my computer look what part - look I have a spell checker you know I'm a bad speller but if he's try you know for academic excellence and one of Tomos leaders as Christina Sabri ro follows her tee shot down the fairway really what is that on her tee really I like this one here here's mood lipstick react steam with this before and look apparently the lipstick gives you herpes before it's herpes lipstick here is DejaVu there's here's Miss Nude world entertainer 91 92 and 90s Miss Nude world and look at the special offer kids 12 and under get in free it's even me to meet miss hey I would have loved that when I was 12 shut up I don't even understand this live life well stop smoking do monthly self exams breast exams for women prostate exams for men really guys you want to do your own prostate exam of them calves I know you do that okay explain this to me this is so I gotta cross out though this is the real and skull of Christ the actual skull of our Savior passed down for many generations in my family radiocarbon dating from 0 ad remarkably good condition Oh some teeth missing hairline fracture on right cheapo serious offers only what is that what is that how creepy is that what is this look at this ad help me find my pajama bottoms green plaid saying ring at across the bum last seen in a back alley between Garrett and Wilson sometimes a little Lego Brad Pitt centerfold Playboy Playgirl August 97 hardly touch you know being a cop is not an easy job policeman bitten by trouser snake I don't even want to know what that is all right one last one last one it says one things stupid teenage boys like to do it's give fake names now these kids these kids watching the girls go by the men are identified as Pat mcgroin and Ben Dover and we can't even say the rest makes the best tote is something from the Greenwich Times state police seek to increase visibility of unmarked cars let's play them black and white we'll put lights on the top maybe write something like police on the side yes here's your priorities murderer in big trouble for writing bad checks someone thought this is very human summer thoughts this is me talking to George Bush [Applause] funny about that at all past we see Homes and Gardens I hope I said there's my Lake Forest Illinois apparently this guy drew a map in his ad to show you how to get to his place right there there's the map hey there's this place right there it's easy enough to find you get on the only Road in the state then when you see the star you stop here's prestigious projects look at that that that look at it call me Ireland's most experienced team of Realtors our clients speak English Spanish French Italian and Canadian I've always wanted to visit Canada I just so unsure of the language university this university attracts students from over 50 states you know people have no idea look at his amateur boxing boxers from five states Indiana Illinois is spelled wrong Michigan Ohio and Lake Erie people are so stupid why do you even answer this why do they encourage it this is one of these TV Q&A look at the question our Brewster and Bradford Dillman related they have the same initials having the same initials is no indication of a relationship these two are not really hey we have the same initials we must become look at this thing called critter caps these are stuff caps you put on your kid's head okay now now it seemed to me was it really necessary to decapitate the child folks as a sucker born every minute here you go oceanfront property in Oklahoma [Applause] here's cutter bug-free backyard apparently this this look at this place is owned by the invisible man apparently I don't even understand this it says brentwood bands passing gas at City Park now let's go down to this a special gas passing section will be created adjacent to the existing smoking section to accommodate the needs let's assume you have a problem is it smart to put the people passing gas in with the smoking people we just had an accident waiting to happen does that make any sense there you go prisons last meal request you're not the most common last request for meal is a steak a t-bone steak it said instead they got a plate of Salisbury steak look at the last paragraph occasionally prison cooks prepare the Salisbury in the shape of a t-bone that's call here is the most disgusting one it says irritable bowel syndrome that's the name of this symposium irritable bowel syndrome okay why not attend River region's brown-bag lunch I'm gonna miss this one news American marketing an indoor demonstration of Charmin double roll toilet paper I think I'll give the demonstration meet Cody the Buffalo Cody is starting such famous movies as dances walls and Radio Flyer come and enjoy delicious buffalo burger cooked up bread apparently you can eat some of Cody's friends going out of business closing its doors huge discounts a mob gowns and dresses ticket regular ceremony was cold Oh more alright we gotta find something good here this is you know poor President Clinton no matter what he does yeah do you think they know when they were writing this here you go [Music] [Applause] [Music] now this here's the Wyoming Bighorn Basin phonebook well with all the people are are in Wyoming why this guy look at the Sheep look at this guy hey you're pretty good it's a little preoccupied this is from the Johnson City Press hook are still best known name among Democrats this is interesting you know when you're a kid you think different you just think different this is sorry about Survivor remember Richard the guy the the naked guy that won a million dollars well this was a story from from a couple months ago I liked this girl down it says Chris Meade would have preferred Kelly to win instead of 39 year old rich he's too old he can't spend that money in his lifetime make your mouth water the ysd eyes annual dinner at the dump and the nice thing is it's all-you-can-eat and I mean just when you finish eating just leave it there [Laughter] there's active Keanu Reeves poses alongside its fellow actor Brooke lengthen or they really look different without makeup don't think in Sioux Valley news massage parlor to open mayor makes yearly appointment kind of open politics we need hears stupid criminals here we go from Fargo look at this guy you know your plates expire give me your license plates expire you got to pay money he got a new sticker this guy didn't want to pay money to get a new sticker so is it see his plate expired in the third month so he just added a ones would expired on the thirteenth month [Applause] luckily some fast-acting detective work the Fargo Police right on that he thought he could go to the thirteen I like this one here this I guess is a small town of small towns are a little more modest this is the sky-high News Daily Tribune Remer Statesman this guy was arrested McBride was belligerent the whole way to jail employing the words that sound like clucking grass moles several times to describe them he called me something that sounds like a clucking grass mole you are nothing but a clucking grass more trouble to go clucking all right that sounds like there you go incidents this is a police blotter these are actual things at 3:11 p.m. a caller from the 200 block of brevis reported that the neighbors had put out some black tight blinds so they can't see in here's the Chinese American news now I don't know anything about the Chinese wedding ceremony I don't imagine they're much different than ours it looks like a traditional gown and the guy looks like he has a tuxedo of some sort on although if this is a Chinese tradition it's certainly one maybe we should employ in this country what is going on here [Music] and an hour later I'm sure there's a gag there but I'm not gonna go okay write your own jokes burritos at 6 a.m. followed by hot air now admittedly this is not my area I don't know a whole lot about women's products this is some sanad for tampons I don't know anything about tampons III assume that these don't look like they'd be the most comfortable it says assorted varieties of it seems like it might be Susan is it cold in here again again it's not my area right to go there here's a here's a here's a tunneling Scoob used for tunneling under foundations walks or prison walls then he got a friend in prison and the ideal gift yeah again here's another woman thing I understand modern floral tankini it's like a band bikini I guess they call it a tankini there it is they're not the most attractive but I like what it says look it has three leg opening is there some new breed of woman out there again I I haven't been on the dating scene for quite a while so if there's some kind of three-legged now with that meat we'll never mind I'm not going to go there okay realtor group awarded scholarships as Kristensen Claire second from left and Laura third from the right boy they really are you see when they're advertising directly to women look at this here's the new Whirlpool refrigerator 21 cubic feet it's a new whirlpool or gasma honey would you shut the door honey would you shut three frigerator door okay let's see what's the best part of your summer fracturing my back has been the best part cuz I got to sit around didn't have to do any work like mowing the lawn how about this guy if you could study abroad where would you go and why somewhere on the East Coast different atmosphere different culture Plus Sizes woman's quality retail sizes 14 to 26 plus denim and lace right next to the Dairy Queen complex is dr. shamon doctor how many times you hear doctor doctor tell me the news bed case 11 news is a good time folks bring the kids and poo in the park come on down poo in the park [Applause] one more all right one more I guess this is a fishing store I guess this is the name of the place master bait and tackle gets wrong I love this one how hard do you think this guy's gonna work man accused of killing his lawyer gets a new attorney well I hope you're better than that last guy here you go this is it since hunter attacked by Big Bear and unarmed bear attacked a hunter Thursday you see now this is a republic this is the Second Amendment the right to armed bears ladies and gentlemen this is what Charlton Heston is talking about right to armed bears how bright is this guy if your boss went to Jamaica for a week what would you do look at Neal all right sleep with his wife [Applause] you ever look under chapter Elevens you know business that have failed gone bankrupt gee I wonder why this and went bankrupt it's called poop and golf Bob that that's not what the hole is for Bob how many I don't think this is working out this poop and golf thing look at this here's this guy's a plastic surgeon he's got boobs for $99 they're pretty darn real looking for $99 here you go is our NBC affiliate newscenter one it's the 5 o'clock news with Tim Brokaw ladies and gentlemen Tim broke off you know Tim there you go here's the Raging Bull now open for lunch family-oriented atmosphere no exotic dancers until after 4:00 p.m. all right kids time believe it's time to floor folks I don't know maybe I have that come maybe I just see something I don't know I don't think I have that kind of mind but would you really want to pull the trigger on this squirt gun look at this thing here I don't know a little creepy gone like like a pervert okay look at what it's explaining this room to me shoes that impress sensual shoes really now where are the shoes in this air anybody see any shoes haven't seen these shoes Oklahoma community they sponsor by the Oklahoma Fire Department six to eight Deena Dunning was at the barn dad look at eight to twelve [Music] that's a nice break after squared X square dancing and earn a collage degree quickly apparently just a little too quickly I like it here's a beautiful historic four-bedroom home in the village of Clarkston an extra large corner lot newly decorated free to leader pop with purchase of home yeah you buy this house right now I'm gonna throw on this bottle of soda what do you hang tell me we gotta do it on e gonna miss out I don't know you you think they know this when they write these how can they not know how can you know I'm not even gonna say that you can read it for yourself [Music] here are some weddings and anniversaries is the horny 50th there's the horny 50th there is the Belcher grouse wedding there's the more beer wedding I like this guy it's the poor sap wedding this sounds like a fun one to attend it's the bacon oder nuptials I like these two look they're keen and eager why is this guy getting married if men love Morris there's the whole trainer wedding this one's fun to say for Christmas it's Santa got a bigger [Applause] [Music] it's the long way wedding you know you should see the ones we can't use they're unbelievable it's the Crammer greaser nuptial and finally you don't want to miss this one it's a leaky Peters wedding when he walked when he walked on the moon a shot of that the pair's a fifth-grader charlie Neil Armstrong was a transvestite ladies and gentlemen this is first being revealed what is that apparently is a formal landing here you go I like this one traditional Latin Mass in English great traditional Latin man in English I love school lunch menus this is from Ohio Carlton Ohio Friday meatloaf roasted red potatoes broccoli cauliflower casserole three bean salad and pink stuff pink stuff whatever that is I love these things these annoying stupid thing the business look what it says up in the corner does it say mail is a blank cards will be prosecuted look it's not filled out I want a piece of me come get me put my fingerprint right now I'm putting the mailbox right now there you go here's the chance you get these four big saving congratulations at the Super Bowl Giants champions yeah I bet that hats a lot less than twenty-two bucks now magnetic facial Beauty mask just a thing if you're dating Hannibal and boy what guy wouldn't love to go to bed with a woman with that thing on honey you look beautiful it's the kind of thing that might make you a vegetarian look at the delicious basted retriever hey don't knock it till you tried it it's really not bad clothing of a sale was a quality weeding gown white satin think you're getting married while working in the garden the perfect thing I like odd ads like this I got a chainsaw a craftsman 16-inch for Christmas but it's way too dangerous for me so I left it in the box well trade it for a good gun [Applause] this medicine is used to fight infection every every the whole medicine thing look at the label there unless halfway now notify your doctor if you develop furry overgrowth on your tongue here's a former model home really yeah wonder what could have happened there is the gracious contemporary stucco home with complete horse setup on five fee seed acres is the first baby of 2001 apparently this is a very small town Beaverhead county's first baby little Bret Douglas was born 150 million July third very slow town really is the first baby of the new year there's a walk kids isn't walkie talkie for 12 bucks t they look pretty good don't they yeah look at that kids can actually hear each other [Applause] congratulations to the happy couple and boy she is a handsome woman isn't she [Applause] as happy couple look here's the kind of thing you know look at this a brass chain mesh transformed this bikini into evening wear oh yeah where you going out and evening at that yeah yeah yeah go walking around at five o'clock after what else does it say it says Oh should not be worn in the Sun or in water because it's brass and it heats up with something but evening with let's say you have a business meeting this is what you might wear a birthday bash for Herman the polar bear I like the last line the celebration part of a zoo program intended to stimulate the animals encourage natural behavior and you know bears normally would have birthday parties in the wild what does it make two more mmm alright let's see we got here we'll go to the bottom nah just really appropriate for kids these two animals no I don't think so maybe if you're in the 4-h club well you know I there I realized in the game of bands well you might want to distract the other player they seems like you're going just a little bit too far a box I don't know if this is a mislabeled product or women are just getting tougher keV look at this tampons right there yes yeah I'd say you gotta be one tough woman oh I mean I think I know why you're a little irritable all right here's Brazil times the Christmas coloring contest winners okay there's Nicole up there there's the first place when is this get seven to eleven twelve years old let's go now the second place winners is Landon the zero to six there's Jessica seven eleven that last guy Ronnie Mitchell family Ronnie's 12 years old ladies and gentlemen Ronnie's a little bigger than the other kids explain this to me planed Plainfield high school home of the fighting Quakers is there such a thing as a fighting Quaker I think I'm through the high tech Amish ladies and gentlemen I'm the Quakers pacifist the fighting no there's something else going on here I saw this head attractive masseuse free massage with purchase of soft drink I mean the cops aren't gonna be in on that one yeah isn't in appropriately titled picture Adams City Star smells title I love the car ads those are my favorite I love people that lie even when there's a picture I love people they can lie right to your face 94 Dodge Caravan Sport outstandingly good condition mag wheels look at that thing outstandingly good condition look at that it's like brand-new pets and animals for sale it's an interesting mix puppy seven weeks old mom is a lab dad a traveling salesman [Applause] I'm you understand this one for sale large multicolored African what that is that guy could be there you go you Tonya Harding and you got you John Rocker right there folks the GE white trash compact in Scotts Turf Builder with crabgrass $11.99 you see you you save money because the crabgrass is right in there you know what is it sports cam 2 like the biggest that's the biggest ripoff this might love presidential baseball American president was George Washington's Bill Clinton have been linked to the national game of baseball baseball wasn't invented until well after the Civil War this ball is signed by Thomas Jefferson [Laughter] years is a manly product trimming nose and ear here never been easier yes just put your nose on that baby right there okay well I look it says stop male urinary leakage you know you have that problem okay is that really the best thing look at that that's now if one right come from that's called a clamp it gets a big seat clamp in there don't want to go through the metal detector wearing that baby someone sent me there winn-dixie you know America's super market wing dixie and this is apparently the cashier look at this I'm gay your cashier look at your receipt look at this hey go you know someone sent me this ad this ad is about I guess it's about 50 years old it's 1955 this is unbelievable look at this what cigarettes do you smoke doctor hey yes Yuri bad doctors are used to being woken up in the middle of night that's why a cigarette is often soothing but look down at the bottom there but got one play they take the trial ok this I'm gonna read you what it says here start your own 30 day test smoke camels every day for 30 days and see if you're not hooked hey guy I'm gonna tell your name look at this guy what a name like crappy dough it's gotta be good I just like how certain things become just part of the vernacular here this is a three hundred thousand volt this is one of those stun gun deals okay pull the trigger blue sparks up I like this look at a four second touch will drop a raging 200-pound crack head like a stone is there such a thing as a 200-pound crack head most ones I see see the way about eighty-five pounds your first day on here's a little thing for any department interior about bears it's all about bears yeah what's that little bear doing that's what I want now here's a woman selling an old-fashioned phone you know but it has modern insides it seems to me she might want to hold the phone just a little bit lower apparently a very cold day at the phone company what are you gonna weddings all right let's see we got weddings I can't we got weddings oh okay here we go winnings okay these are people are getting married there's having to have interesting names that wound up together some day on cable I'll show you the ones we can't use but for them there's the gum Wrigley wedding how about the pink eye wedding it's the you right wedding Flintstones meet the Flintstone it's the Belcher gross wedding folks you don't want to miss the big Polly bare-ass wedding yes siree Bob yee-ha Benson rotor it's let's striker [ __ ] wedding and how embarrassing is this guy it's Dicky little wedding here you go officials say forgery suspect freed on fake documents now these papers look alright to me Larry you know they say kids are not as good a shape as when we were young keV I think it might be truly here's Megan McMahon shown competing in the high jumper you know they don't want any kids to get low self-esteem so if the bar is not quite as high as it used to be his parents nurture kids blossom ways to show kids you care I like the first one learn their name [Applause] here's a foldable bicycle that the the foldable stroller a foldable stroller and I like the instructions can you go in close there warning always remove child from stroller before folding here's lakeside restaurant Mother's Day buffet Sunday May 13th look at the special carved Road beef please do not confuse that with roast beef that is Road beef cab you might like this one here Zoe's garden Chinese and vegetarian food all vegetarian dishes such as beef pork here's the modern cafe all you can eat for as much as it costs collectibles look at that lifetime collection of Indian airheads I think that got a guy from the Missoula commercial Missoula I don't understand this pets wanted monkey or other primate you do my homework will pay top dollar car come oh here's another Indian one here you go is this is an Indian wolf that that did look at this sample some exotic Indian foods like buffalo burgers hot dogs fries there's a Mitsubishi Galant ranked number one for the first consecutive year [Applause] it's kosher world if you're Jewish you might want to go to kosher world and I again eigen I I'm not Jewish but this is a double scheme perhaps I'm not familiar with the delicious ass soups [Applause] finally what happened to see the I guess the rabbi sits in the bowl for just a minute I'm not sure I guess he blesses it no don't write me a letter it's goofy but look at the bottom our kitchen is now open we have a wide ass it says 25% off royal trends summer hats some nice summer hats I like the birdbath hat in the middle of very attractive oh if you're traveling this summer you want to get this look at this keV suitcase Safeguards Magellan's privy seals red plastic locks deter the bad guys while you're grabbing over the airport just cut locks later with scissors yeah what are the chances that a thief would have a sharp object on her there you go refueling special here is the stupidest item of the day solutions brighten the room for spring chair covers slip on quickly for a festive new look look at this bring out extra folding chairs without worrying about detracting from you to cook just slip on these plush acrylic fabric bunny ears oh yeah those look great yeah those yeah those they look great over the chair wouldn't they huh and a creepy thing is that I like this one when breathing is really important what is it not important I don't even figure lizard Ludington Daily News serving you through the seasons all right what are the seasons which one is fall what season what does that mean folks celebration of sound the 30th anniversary organ rectal series [Applause] this one look at this pre Memorial Day savings entire stock of men's Levi's yeah that's an attractive pair of pants in the ad there huh [Music] yes super values its South tars Chrysler Dodge go talk to the salesman look at his name sales manager dick feel elated John yes I'm gonna talk to dick feeling yeah bring the kids dick feely in the bedding of your car sales maybe named dick feely how do you even go to a woman a bar hi I'm dick fit out one more all right here's a gift idea of disgusting is this never opened woman's colon large size [Applause] [Music] you know I thank you for sending us these headlines people mail us these things from all over the country we get hundreds of them every week and they're just things thank you for taking the time this is interesting this is Lowry salt free seasoning sea salt free seats that's running an assault free you know crust a listen ingredients on the back what's the number one ingredient so brighten your desktop with the world's most beautiful mouse pad look at that beautiful picture isn't that lovely and the President Bush at work again Park Service moves wildlife to Missile Range for hunting I like this one Jasper High School assistant principal Tim Ratcliffe holds the Remington 270 rifle he won at the recent East Texas Peace Officers Association dinner now you know he might want to think about taking one of those gun safety courses and there he is right there oh here's a little story about Kevin's old high school really Kevin went to private school he went to as you can see bong Academy I always like when they try to pretend that products are made in America but when you read the directions you get the little subtle hints that maybe they were made in a foreign country this is something called the foldable roll-aboard scooter look at the directions on the back don't drive the scooter on the uneven road of the count of the croud road don't drive the scooter the man over 80 kg the man in thick shoes do not ride the scooter the man who has drunk over wine the man who was carrying the burden the weak man don't drive the scooter over 1 men a symbol of follow direction oh I got this a letter from Carl Brown I guess Carl graduated from Delaware Community College and his senator from Pennsylvania Clarence Bell sent them a letter I assumed this might be a typo but here it says dear Carl congratulations making the Dean list at Delaware County Community College is an important milestone in your life and achievement worth nothing [Applause] my favorite category stupid criminals look at this a pair of nervous Michigan robbers in to the record store waving revolvers the first one shouted nobody knew moved when his partner moved he shot up here's another idiot criminal this guy gotta use a big big rig police say robber fled and a tractor-trailer that had his name painted on the door [Applause] well these look good as delicious strawberries 99 cents a pound they look good don't they mimes presentation and Cornelius interactive and bilingual Omar Vargas a professional mime originally from Ecuador present classical and contemporary pantomime the show will be presented in English in Spanish he's a mime I am in a box this one made me laugh the Flathead Flathead County Sheriff's Department was called to the Evergreen school Tuesday when a caller reported a man hanging around the school and yelling at children at the crosswalk for two days in a row the man continued to yell the children deputies found out he was the school principal honey this mm-hmm police blotter some stuff was stolen a report said the intruder came in through an unlocked dresser drawer fairly very small here's the radisson know the radisson Christmas Day buffet look at all of the lists that lack a look at the one marinated grilled airline chicken breast you know you want to get airline food you just can't afford to buy that ticket all the time here's big big savings and as alka-seltzer Plus peanut butter yes siree Bob it sticks to the roof of your stomach yeah I always like these kind of things selected I was like places that have you know very illustrious sounding name emerald gold fried chicken what would you get for $42 12 breast 12 wings 13 things a bunch of things in there pieces whatever how disgusting is this tears jones's live sausage what is live hey ladies have you tried the live sausage Cavan I remember this about a month or two ago I did a joke about a clown mean do do the clown I thought that is a stupidest name for a clown just do the clown well look at it he took out an ad you just made me laugh do do the clown loaded number one and look recently talked about on the Jay Leno how many people suffer from this alternative health care how many people have carpet tunnel syndrome yeah here's an escort service simply irresistible escort service they have men women and female girls nylon shorts size 18 to 14 and ass colors [Applause] the Joe DiMaggio baseball comes with a letter ethnicity he was Italian okay introducing breathe sleep gear well who couldn't sleep with that on their face isn't that attractive look Bob putting what are your Klingon now is that what that is okay here's a guy who is a sewer and drain cleaning specialist I don't I don't believe this is an actual title I don't believe you can go to college to become this he is a turd ologist [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Rounding Third

Views: 5,840,875

Rating: 3.8727295 out of 5

Keywords: Jay Leno, The Tonight Show, Headlines, Compilation, 2000, Funny, Comedy, Hilarious, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, David Mitchell, Robert Webb, Roast, Kevin, Johnny Carson, Late Show, Dick Cavett, Smothers Brothers, Talk Show, Soup, Weed, Commercial, Car, Jerry Seinfeld, Don Rickles, Epic, Long, Millenium, Funny News, Jimmy Carr, news, newspaper, newspapers, cincinnati, reds, pete rose, 1975, 1976, 1990, 1919, Mets, Dodgers, Talk Soup, NBC, Barry Larkin

Id: 1JNEE1cQVM0

Length: 231min 12sec (13872 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 08 2017