UNPREPARED (full set)

yeah let's keep that clapping up give it up for your headliner [Applause] thank you folks i appreciate it welcome it is both an honor and a contractual obligation to be here i love coming here to beautiful austin texas man because you guys are nice and progressive but you're not obnoxious about it like portland those dudes are weird man and i know austin has to keep austin weird but portland is doing some other [ __ ] like if portland and austin were two dudes a woman would be like austin can you walk me to my car portland's out there shaving a cat again [ __ ] weirdos [ __ ] are they doing there man that's why i like coming here max i like getting [ __ ] up and austin is the place to [ __ ] do it man get drunk i love getting drunk man here's what i don't love man here's what i hate i hate when people choose to get drunk right they choose to get [ __ ] up and then they blame their shitty drunk behavior on a certain liquor you know what i'm talking about like oh bro i can't drink vodka bro because when i drink vodka i just think of my shirt you know he's got that enabler he's all right jimmy [Music] oh bro i can't drink tequila because when i drink tequila i start punching dudes in the face ain't that right richie right richie's got a black eye yeah i need to talk to you about that [ __ ] oh bro i can't drink bourbon because when i drink bourbon i start kissing dudes in the mouth i don't think that's suburban bro i think you got a lot of [ __ ] to figure out dive deep inside that mine see what lurks in there do love drinking man you gotta you gotta be careful with that [ __ ] though right that's why i stopped yeah i was like man i'm going up in 20 minutes i need to stop all you do have to know man when you're getting a little out of hand sometimes you got to stop so you don't have to quit you know what i mean i've done that before man dude i've gotten so drunk one time i caught myself speeding on the highway because i was going the number of the highway like 97. that's pretty specific you better go 92 just to be safe you know how the cops are around here man how about this you ever get so drunk you meet somebody at a bar right and you hit it off so you decide to buy one of those condoms from the machines in the bathroom right and then later that night you're about to get it on you open it up and it's too advil but you're so drunk you're like man technology's come a long way i better take these condom pills so i don't catch any diseases i don't want to start this relationship off on the wrong foot sex is a very important relationship man don't kid yourself it's probably the most important part yeah that's why you got to keep the fires burning gentlemen there are going to be some nights where you're just going to have to keep your woman up all night long begging her to touch your penis it's called stamina you got to be able to beg for hours so they start doing that cute little elbow style i gotta go to work in three hours i'm like baby it's not gonna take three hours [Music] but thank you for believing in me nobody believes in me like you do baby i was in bed with this chick one time right things are getting pretty nasty as they always do she gets real close to me and she's like ro what's your number one sexual fantasy and without missing a beat i said two chicks at the same time yeah i could tell she didn't like that she just rolled her eyes and went well what's your second i don't know two chicks at different times you want to be in the room when it happens or not trying to give you a step up on these hoes don't get left behind baby and i get left behind how many men have ever been with a woman that was taller than them anybody huh [ __ ] cowards all right there a couple of heroes over there that's nice [ __ ] yeah dude i love tall women man tell women other [ __ ] yeah it's great the only thing that sucks is like like i dated a girl that was taller than me right and the only thing that was shitty was like when we walking across the street holding hands like her stride was longer than mine it looked like she was walking me across just so i don't get hit i guess if i could address all tall women at once i would say ladies if you're taller than the guy that you're dating can you do me a favor can you not bring up our height difference while we're in the middle of having a great time dude i was at a concert with this girl we're having an awesome time i don't know where she just goes oh does it make you feel weird that i'm taller than you dude i got so mad i tapped her on the shoulder i was like you know what put me down i'm not even having fun now i gave her back her jacket i was like here i'm gonna be cold anymore be by on sunday to pick up my ladder it's great being back here man i lived here for two uh two years you know beautiful austin sometimes when i go back to new york i'm like why the [ __ ] am i here you know i should be back in austin new york sucks dude it's overcrowded traffic is terrible rent is overpriced yeah and then it reminds me where i left austin in the first place oh it's terrible i live in i live in brooklyn uh i have 38 roommates which is apparently normal there to live with a platoon of [ __ ] you don't know one time one time one of them texted me he was like hey roll we're thinking about getting a foster cat what do you think about us getting a foster cat how do you feel about that and normally i hate cats but i don't want to be disrespectful to white culture it's considered quite an honor among their tribe pet wild animals for some reason and i wanted to be open-minded you know like i [ __ ] get the cat i'll try some soy milk later too but then i thought about i was like wait a minute what the [ __ ] is a foster cat i looked it up you know what it is basically a foster cat is it's a cat that's done time on the streets and he ain't afraid to go back either it's a vicious animal we're talking about right but it was too late i had already told the guys he could bring it in the house they brought into the apartment you know they let it loose the cat sized up all the men he was like oh [ __ ] all you [ __ ] up two months later we're all walking around with scratches and bites all over us but here's the thing dude this is what i learned living with this thing for two months i learned that i don't have it in me to hit a small animal but i will kick the [ __ ] out of a cat yeah i know some of you're like oh my god animal abuse [ __ ] you you weren't there i stand by that 35-yard field goal i would have made that had not been for the wall yeah i mean it's a crazy animal it's not like i can just pull them aside and be like gee when it's even pretty violent since you've been here so you like to share you'll be like yeah this my girlfriend was like leave him alone he's traumatized he's got to fight for his life out on the streets i was like yeah i was in iraq i'm [ __ ] up too i kicked the [ __ ] out of him yeah i knew that cat was an [ __ ] the first moment i saw him too yeah he was laying on the floor right and then he stretched out and i saw that underneath his legs on his ribs he had a bible verse tattoo that's a [ __ ] [ __ ] that's for sure you do not care about anybody that is the dead giveaway of an [ __ ] a bible verse tattoo and if it's followed by some prayer hands man yes sir you know what's uh you know what sucks about being in new york uh when you first get there trying to find the right barbershop they have so many of them and they all have different styles and [ __ ] you know i went to one first one that i went to right i get there and the guy who finished i'm not paying attention he finishes cutting my hair and goes what do you think man and i look up and i'm like oh that looks pretty cool you know what this [ __ ] gave me pointy sideburns i was like i can't pull this off dude he's like why not i was like because i've never gotten a teenager pregnant that's what pointy sideburn says about you by the way it says two things it says i've gotten a teenager pregnant and i'll do it again if i have to into this other guy i was like you just give me a high fade and just you know my part starts here he's like gotcha all the way up to the park i said a high fade not the hitler youth you [ __ ] [ __ ] that's why it's called a part because there's two parts that are apart the little part and the big part [ __ ] are you doing man you saw the one that one was my fault because i got high before i went there yeah i just didn't pay attention you know guy gave me an edge up yeah you guys know what that is when they edge up your hair your your hairline they box it with the clippers like that that looks great on black dudes mexicans [ __ ] looks goofy as [ __ ] dude [Music] if you put that mirror in front of me like what do you think i was like i think i look like from the future and i mean that in the most negative way possible i want that [ __ ] people like crazy there too like legit you know on the subway there's people like in the days is coming [ __ ] aliens are going to destroy us yeah dude that's scary that's why i guess that's why i [ __ ] hate people that believe in aliens and not like i i hate the hardcore believers you know what i'm talking about the guys that like they're so confident about their shitty evidence oh bro you don't believe in aliens wait till you see this video i mean look at the video and it's just a light moving back and forth in the night sky like that's it that's your evidence dude i'll sooner believe that that's god with a laser pointer [ __ ] with you like a cat he's like talking to the angels going literally look he's gonna get his camera my son does this all the time puts his face on a tortilla people freak the [ __ ] out [Laughter] we love messing with them baby they think everything's magic um it's nice to be back here because i don't have a car over there hell over here is nice you just get in your car you know pretty dope i drove i drove my car to uh to the west coast last year it was pretty awesome man i got to do some shows see some family you know it's pretty cool you guys ever uh go down to the west coast like oregon california yeah pretty dope right yeah i highly recommend it man i will say this though if you go there just know they are not [ __ ] around with their pot out there dude my i went to oregon to visit my sister she gave me some weeds she goes here you go raul this is medical grade pod and then just left me there with it dude is it me or is the word medical not the most deceiving way to describe how powerful something is hey you guys want to check out my shotgun it's medical grade like why don't they just say what they really mean it's too much that's why my sister should have said here you go oh this is too much pot you know when i think of the word medical i think of safety when i think of the word medical i don't think sitting on a sofa when my nails duck into the side of the armrest with a blast off in a [ __ ] rocket oh this is too medical dude i got so high i took a drink of water i didn't even swallow it i just walked around the house for two hours with water in my mouth yeah you can imagine my surprise when i went to take another hit i almost drowned in my sister's living room is not my friend sometimes man you ever get so high you suddenly realize that you've been rambling on for the past 20 minutes but the only part of those 20 minutes you remember is that last sentence you just said but it's like that last sentence is so obscure there's no way to trace it back to what the [ __ ] you were talking about you'd just be there like blah blah blah yeah but it's all done mechanically nowadays so if anything you'd have to suck my dick what was i talking about where was i going with this and you realize the entire time you were talking to your grandma but now she throws you off here more she's like well yeah you would have to that's right kind of an unwritten rule really i hope they legalize it here in texas man [Applause] it's [ __ ] stupid with these laws you know yeah and i got some friends back in san antonio that are way too optimistic about that [ __ ] oh bro i'm telling you man like three more years we're all gonna be smoking a joint outside the alamo they won't be able to tell a [ __ ] it's like no dude i love my state i love texas but we're gonna be the last [ __ ] to legalize yeah you know why because in texas old people will not die they will not die and they love to vote [Applause] die so i can smoke a joint outside the alamo with my friends [Laughter] and good luck trying to change their mind man they are so set in their ways they will not listen to you no matter how good your point is i know because i've had these arguments before i'm like sir you do realize that marijuana is a lot safer than alcohol and a lot healthier than cigarettes and if you keep it illegal you're just providing the cartels with a lucrative business that only they have access to but they won't listen to that [ __ ] they'll just be like all right sir i'm not going to show you again step out of your vehicle put your hands down maybe you have a point perhaps i didn't research enough can't be doing that [ __ ] i don't know dude i just i love smoking weed dude it just relaxes me and i don't [ __ ] with anybody i just watch youtube watch [ __ ] get knocked out so much fun dude you know that's why i do this that's why i do comedy now because i i can't i can't have a job where i have to pee in a cup i wouldn't make it man last one i had was security guard yeah yeah [ __ ] that [Music] and only because people are [ __ ] rude to security guards man people need to stop being rude to security guards only because i remember when i was in security like once i was working the parking lot of this movie theater and this lady runs up to me right she's pants he's like sir sir somebody just broke into my car i go just now she goes yeah just now i go okay so i take my phone out and i start dialing and she goes what are you doing i go i'm calling the cops she goes that's it you're calling the cops i could have done that what do you even have you out here for had to go miss you see this thing hanging off the side of my belt okay that's a flashlight i'm saying i have a flashlight and i make eight dollars an hour [Laughter] i'm not about to leave this crusade [Applause] i'm barely equipped to handle a power outage [Music] god forbid i run out of batteries because then we're really [ __ ] you know bananas it's different all the [ __ ] you do i used to box well i should say i tried boxing for two weeks i tried boxing because i saw this documentary on all mexican boxers and these [ __ ] got me all riled up as this mexican trainer gets in front of the camera and he's like i don't know what it is about us mexicans and boxing i guess it's just enough blood i'm watching this like it is in our blood isn't it and then julio cesar chavez comes on who's arguably the greatest mexican boxer of all time he looks into the camera and he says you only need one thing in this life to be a great boxer it's called a heart i'm like i'm mexican and i got a heart boxing [ __ ] two months later this kid lit me up so bad i went home mad dude because all i could think of was like all right i'm not gonna say that who says our chavez is a liar but he definitely withheld some information there's a lot more to it than heart in boxing dude personally i blame the director of that documentary because as soon as chavez said that [ __ ] about the heart i should have heard a voice off camera go what about reflexes turns out that's a pretty important part of it man you know what it looks like when someone fasted with a punch at you it looks like this that's it that's all you see and magically the side of your head starts to hurt [ __ ] better stick to what i'm good at i'm coloring it's ain't gonna work out hey by a round of applause how many people here have ever been in a fist fight [Applause] oh [ __ ] man a little more than makes me comfortable those of you that have never been in a fight y'all should fight each other after this you never know you might be good at it and be like man i am never standing in line for anything ever again i'm just gonna [ __ ] people up from now on cause i didn't know i had these two gifts from god i never i got i never got into fights when i was a kid man that was i've always been a small dude and i was always really scared you know because when i grew up there was a lot of gang members you know there was a lot of gangs and [ __ ] and these these kids were [ __ ] mean dude you know they would [ __ ] with you the only thing that i realized that would repel gang members was jesus yeah and you didn't even have to be christian you just had to use it right you know like if one of those little thugs came up to you hey who do you claim [ __ ] and you win i claim my lord and savior jesus christ he died for your sins hector [Music] let's go tack up some buildings cause unconditional love [ __ ] is really [ __ ] one [Laughter] i don't know what it is about jesus that he was [ __ ] with her head so bad that's an adult though i got i got i've been in two bar fights the only two fights i've ever been in two bar fights the first one happened in uh in san antonio back home in san antonio during this little thing we have there called fiesta you guys know about fiesta it's a festival called festival in spanish so much thought we put into it right the whole city goes out to get drunk dude everybody do all the men are wasted the women are all [ __ ] up dude muffin tops as far as the i can see it's us and our glory you know what i mean out there having fun so we're at this bar right we're at this bar and i'm there with my friends all of a sudden i hear my friend john go oh [ __ ] derek's in trouble and i look where he's looking and i see my friend derek and this dude and the patio they're wrestling with each other and they just flip over a table my friend john looks at all of us he goes yo let's go right we start running out there all my friends were like running like what about the [ __ ] these dudes up i'm like yeah i don't make sure their girlfriends don't jump in right now because because the only reason i was running out there is so fast because i thought we were going out there to break them apart i don't know you're going to go fight that other dude's friends like if i hadn't known that i would like fake the hamstring injury or something oh y'all keep going which is kind of naive with me to think that you know because in the history of mankind no group of men have ever been at a bar seen their friend get in a fight and gone oh [ __ ] derek's in trouble quick let's go help him solve the differences through the dialogue never it's never happened and never will right so we run out of the bar towards the fight as a group right we start running all of a sudden these dudes jump out of the crowd they start running towards us at full speed and like both groups we just collided like it was like a ghetto braveheart but now now i'm in the middle of the sea of tim duncan jerseys punching each other in my face but i'm by myself because everyone else for lack of a better term is grab the partner right and i don't know what to do i start panicking so i just start shadow boxing just to stay loose you know the spot opens up man i'm mexican and i got a heart you know i just kept repeating that in my head and all of a sudden i see elaine open up right see my friend derek he's on the floor this dude is hovering over him and he's just punching down at him like that i'm like oh hell no i run over there i blast this guy right on the side of the head bam dude goes down like a sack of potatoes is what i thought was gonna happen because i hit him [ __ ] hard man but no you know what this guy did he just calmly stopped punching and then this dude stood up and he kept standing up for like the longest [Music] i have to explain my behavior but luckily before this animal could put his hands on me his smaller skinnier friend came over and punched me in the side of his foot which i was glad for dude as soon as his fist touched my face i was like oh thank you jesus spun 15 feet towards the parking lot and fell to afterwards my friends were making fun of me they're like do you see her i will get him and he got fouled in a soccer game over exaggerating that [ __ ] but what they don't know is the reason i fell there was because i tripped [Laughter] my whole goal had been to spin all the way to my car the engine is on get the [ __ ] out of here this place is not safe i'm not safe here sir that was the first one man the second the second bar fight i was ever in was uh was in san antonio again i'm not live violent city yeah it was after a breakup man i went through a breakup and i was hurting so bad dude i was in so much pain i just wanted to drink it away you know so i go to this bar and i'm just [ __ ] you know dealing with my feelings like a man you know not talking to anybody about it you're not like an idiot it's drinking right and i walk outside just [ __ ] up you know just drunk and i'm smoking a cigarette in the patio and i'm just like what the [ __ ] happened man and then i look over on the other side of the patio there's this big stocky dude and he's [ __ ] wasted and i could tell because i was wasted too and when we looked at each other we both did this weird like [Music] i was like that dude is [ __ ] up i can't even keep stealing [ __ ] then out of nowhere he starts coming over to me and he keeps giving me this mean look and he starts walking over to me he starts walking around me right behind me and he keeps looking me up and down and then he gets real close and then he leans in and he says something to the effect of do you believe other people think and i go now which was stupid at me because i don't know what the [ __ ] i just disagreed with ryan his eyes get wide he reaches for the zipper on my jacket that was up and he starts doing this and he goes so you don't believe me [Music] what other people think and what and at some point i'm like okay i'm not a tough guy but i grew up in a tough neighborhood so i know the fact that this dude has put his hands on me and i haven't hit him yet already makes me a [ __ ] in his eyes so i gotta get his [ __ ] hands off of me so i grabbed his hand and immediately i feel this giant man-paw right my balls go inside my stomach and i made a mistake right and immediately i think okay well i gotta follow through because now i'm just holding his hand against my chest and looking at him in the eyes i have to finish this otherwise this looks weird so i pull his hand off of me and i go yo chill he goes bro walk away what he goes bro walk away oh yeah i'm going inside i take one more drag i put it out and when i turn around i just feel in the back of my head just bam like [ __ ] i turn around like yo what the [ __ ] and i yelled that out yeah yo what the [ __ ] but it was all in the spirit of help somebody come out here and stop this and i don't know what happened but like he hit me again i don't know if he jarred something loose in my head but i started thinking about my ex-girl and the breakup and i'm just getting mad i'ma [ __ ] this dude up right so we start boxing and i'm getting the better of this dude even though he's bigger than me but i think it's because i had two things going for me one i'm a high functioning alcoholic so i can keep my balance pretty and two i think i was confusing him because the whole time i was punching i was like you cheating [ __ ] how does he know me right he's like that was one time [ __ ] [ __ ] you veronica the [ __ ] you remember you know there's somebody in cycle man those two [ __ ] hate each other [Music] not stop fighting i'm calling each other names and i don't know how it happened man but we got tangled up and we spun around and he fell on this bench and then when he when he fell on the bench i started punching him in the head right i'm just bam and then i know her i start feeling punches in the back of my head right but i'm so drunk i'm like man how the [ __ ] is he hitting me i have him in a bad spot it turned out it was his girlfriend san antonio don't forget she's hitting me in the back which explained why it hurt but it didn't hurt as much as it felt good punching this [ __ ] so i was like keep the back of my hand you know what this chick did to get me off of him she stuck her finger up my uh i probably would have been the fastest way to get me off of him oh [ __ ] oh who knows man i'd be like double the pleasure i'm an adventurous guy i like to take chances man of the people if you will no you know what she actually did she reached she reached her her hand underneath my arm put her nails under my nose and went yeah it hurt more than any punch i received all night yeah cause i don't know if you guys know this but women secrete hatred nails poison that's why it hurts so much scratchy i jumped back thinking it's a dude [ __ ] back and i'm like oh [ __ ] it's a girl because my mom taught me never to hit a woman that and there was you two goon standing behind her i was like if i drop this [ __ ] i'm gonna have to fight the whole bar [Music] it's 12 30 if we wrap it up now we can get a couple of more drinks now you know what happened they told me i had to leave tell me how to leave because the guy was a regular there he had all his friends so i had to go close out i'm like fine whatever i go close out and as i'm closing out his friends start getting closer to me right and they start asking me about how the fight started it seems like they're not believing me and they keep getting closer and closer right and i start panicking thinking they're gonna kick my ass so i just you know i just pretended to cry my girl just left me no this guy hits me for no reason and the whole time i'm saying is i'm trying to like see they're buying it right and then i don't know where i feel a hand grabbed his shoulder then a hand grabs this other shoulder then another hand on my back and i'm like oh [ __ ] i'm going for a ride right simultaneously they all start going it's all right bro now i'm crying for real dude dude you know what i learned that night that night i learned if you go through something traumatic in a relationship don't try to drink it away talk to somebody about it because i talked to these [ __ ] man and i felt great afterwards i thought i got this weight lifted off my heart and that's the point of the story right it's not too uh it's not to do anything else i am uh my name is raul sanchez and i am a former illegal immigrant that's right i was also in the army for four years [Music] yeah talk about taking american jobs huh i'm in a big line for that one i'll tell you that one question that i've had trouble answering when people come up to me and be like hey bro how did that feel being illegal how did that feel like i don't know dude i was seven i'm pretty sure that illegal it's not something you can feel you don't go to up to somebody at work and be like hey man are you feeling okay you look a little tired they're like actually i woke up feeling illegal this morning you know how it is when you drink too much the next to your head feels undocumented as [ __ ] i'm terrible feeling that undocumented feeling man but make no mistake about it folks we do live in the greatest country in the world yes we do man don't believe these other people they're like oh america's not number one anymore your kids haven't tested well in math since 1967. who cares that was like 30 years ago [Laughter] that's a lot of cool right yeah man i mean i judge a country's greatness on one metric and one metric only jet ski fatalities and nobody can [ __ ] with us at having fun to the death that's how great this country is we kill ourselves having fun it's dangerous to have fun in america that's how dope it is man fighters that's what we are i actually asked my girlfriend like if she would jump into a fight with me she was like i don't know you know i don't want to get hit i'm like [ __ ] i don't want to get hit either i'm immune to that [ __ ] no man i'm in a long distance relationship which uh just fine you know i think women have so much uh so much power over us yeah dude yeah man yeah that's true man because i always thought i'd be the kind of guy that if a woman ever broke up with me i'd be like fine get the [ __ ] out of here nope i cried for two months straight dude i bitched out hardcore man yeah i started writing poetry what rhymes with stupid [ __ ] i was trying to be strong you know every man wants to feel strong right every man in here if you got your lady you always want to feel like you're you you're a woman's strong man you know every man and different men get get that feeling in different ways you know some men think it's through uh it makes them feel manly to to beat up somebody in a fight right like that's right i'm a man don't talk to me like that kick your ass right other men think it's through making a woman orgasm you know that's right baby man you don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing right you knocked over my lava land you only 35 bucks and i totally get that man i totally get that but i gotta be honest with you nothing absolutely nothing ever made me feel more like a man than when i was with a woman that couldn't open a jar of my chest i don't say anything i just be like does my baby want this jar open because what my baby wants my baby my baby hand me that towel real quick and then she would say something that would hurt my feelings like i know right it's not as easy as it look close the [ __ ] windows get the moisture in the [ __ ] heart open here is this expired i'm not opening to expire it's going in the trash if it's expired that's what's going to happen this lit is broken then i would finally pop it open right you know we just like to hand it to her like that there you go baby your man just put it on easy [Laughter] and don't touch me because you might get pregnant this [ __ ] testosterone i got going what's wrong with you trying to alter our lives i am in a long-distance relationship which comes with its own unique set of problems one time my girlfriend called me i'm in new york she's here in san antonio she called me she's upset right work you know family friends it's all piling up she's getting really frustrated and upset and i'm listening like good boyfriend right and that's when she turned a gun on me she's like and you you need to get better at expressing your love for me yeah i get it i get it i gotta get better at expect but i also feel like i think women leaders lower their standards there's plenty of good men out there which is either ugly or [ __ ] up man i feel for women man because finding a good man is like finding a jacket at goodwill you're finding a nice jacket a good one you're like man can you believe nobody else wants this [Music] oh my god and then you put it on you're like oh that's funny put your hands in your pocket and go all the way through your workouts but it's missing a right sleeve this jacket's missing the right sleeve but men are cool we're like yeah but how does your left arm feel warm right just tuck your other arm back in baby i need both arms all the time right keep yourself warm that and what i it's been my experience that last time i tried to show a woman you know affection and how i felt about her in my own way it didn't work out the way i thought you know cause i was with this girl right i was with this girl one time and i had these i had these condoms in this dresser drawer right but me and her i had had those things before i met her you know like i just didn't use him because i wasn't getting laid at the time and when when i got with her she was she got on the pill right so i had those condoms but i didn't we didn't use them and then one day i saw her open the the drawer up and she saw the condoms she just goes and then just closes it and then later when she's out of town she wasn't she went out of town for three days so i'm i don't know why i opened the dresser door looking for something and i see the condoms and i think man if i put myself in her shoes you know i would feel uncomfortable you should kept some condoms that we don't use you know like that would make me feel upset like why do you have those we don't use them is it like just in case kind of thing so i thought yeah you know what things are getting pretty serious between me and her i'm gonna show her how much i love her i'm gonna throw these condoms away yeah how do you guys get that i had no idea what the [ __ ] was gonna happen i had no idea about the [ __ ] storm that i was about to put myself in because when she came back right we met up at a bar and got [ __ ] up when we get back to my place the first thing that i do when i walk in is i make a beeline to the bed and i [ __ ] face plant on it when she gets in the room she makes a beeline to the dresser drawer opens it up and goes what the [ __ ] roll and i'm drunk like what what are you talking about and she was like what happened to the condoms and i'm like connor what cup she goes there was seven condoms in here i know because i counted them what did you do with the condoms and when she said that i knew what she was trying to imply and it made me feel mad that she would think that about me so i go oh those condoms i was trying to do the three-day seven hoe challenge while you were gone yeah she got angry and started hitting me like you piece of [ __ ] you think that's funny i'm like hey what the hell's wrong with you i threw them in the trash they're right there she's so drunk at this point she goes oh yeah this trash can right here this trash can right here she grabs the trash can and starts dumping it out in the middle of my room hurls the bucket looks down and goes i don't see no condoms here i don't see no condoms what'd you do with the condoms let me tell you here's how a man's insecurity works she said it with so much confidence that for a split second i was like wait did i [ __ ] seven oh my god i have to i wish my buddies were there so i could go did i know right i don't [ __ ] say so i look down right where she just threw him and i see them and i'm going hey they're right there in front of you you just are drunk to see them and that's when she goes oh these condoms and then she goes one two like the tootsie pop owl [Applause] and then i know what she comes up and then she brings up six oh yeah and she puts him in front of my face and she goes six i only see six here what did you do with the seventh what did you use it while i was gone you piece of [ __ ] and that's why i thought all right roll it doesn't matter that she's insane you need to come up with a [ __ ] condom if you value your life so i'm looking around in a panic oh my god and then all of a sudden i see it and ironically enough it was underneath this tissue that i had jerked off into the middle yes the proof of my monogamy was covering up the proof of my monogamy the most pointed thing i'd ever seen i'm like how the [ __ ] does that even happen so i i fell down right i've been down and i grab one of her shirts and i use it to take the tissue off because i'm not touching that [ __ ] it's disgusting and i grab the seventh condom and i bring it up to her and i go seven babe and i said that i said the word babe but before i threw the word out of my mouth i took the word and i dipped it in [ __ ] that makes any sense because i looked at her face when i said babe you could tell she saw the word coming at her and then she just grabbed it and then took a bite out of it you put [ __ ] in this [Music] [ __ ] dude she started hitting me and i was like all right you want to get physical i'm a man i got to put my foot down right so i went to sleep on the couch yes there's nothing you can do when a drunk woman is punching you in the face yeah you can call the cops but as soon as the cops get there she's gonna be like there he is officer there's the man that beat the [ __ ] out of my knuckles with his broken nose hey guys that's my time thank you so much for coming out i really appreciate you guys having a good evening [Music] [Applause] everybody you

Channel: Raul Sanchez Comedy

Views: 251,165

Rating: 4.8450413 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: bGd-WLwOi58

Length: 44min 9sec (2649 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 15 2021