If you take him back...

but hey Tony guys here popping in to talk to you today about you know if you take an ex back now this is really important because this happens a lot you know where people want to move on and then you decide to come back together and you get back together and I wrote a chapter on this in my book make it work on forgiveness and you got to understand this because it's two sides to it so if you're the person that the offense happened to you know so it happened to you and maybe you left and you tried to move on and then you decided to come back when it comes down to forgiveness you first I did a video the other day talking about you know never take him back if and I talked about if things were physical never take them back now that is understood that you may not be able to take them back if it was verbal or emotional a lot of people felt the need to make that point but I was saying the non-negotiable because people make their own choices and what they can handle what they can deal with that's to every person so if a person is verbally abusive emotionally physically all love is gonna run you in the ground all love is gonna break you down but the one that could end you a whole lot faster is physical so I made that video to say that this is the one that you've never take someone back because of all the implications that go inside of their with emotional and verbal is subjective and there's a lot of nuances to it because somebody could say you know why do you keep eating you know why do you do that to yourself why do you keep eating Popeyes everyday like every single day you're eating Popeyes like that is gross that is disgusting somebody could a person could say oh you're firmly abusing me because I eaten Popeyes when really that could be them loving you saying listen you heard yourself but it hurts your feelings cuz you get called out so that's why I say the other issue is verbal and emotional like a man could look at but you could be out and about and your man every time you out in the bout it looks like he's looking at other women and you like wow you keep looking at these other booties that's emotional of you and so you could feel like that and but then it's like at the end of the day is that really going to put you six feet under like and if it is then that's when you have to be able to say let me get coaching let me get therapy because I'm internalizing him looking in the direction or looking at other women way too much and that should not determine how I feel about myself so let me do some work here but you know some people want to be you know self-righteous and Oh emotional is the same just as bad as miserable is just bad but it's subjective though it's not where's is physical ain't nobody saying oh that was a love tap ain't nobody saying ode up oh that was that it that wasn't anything that it that didn't mean anything that's not subjective that's not everybody knows what that is but it's some things to where sometimes I've noticed as a coach what people call verbal abuse or what they call emotional abuse may not actually be that so it depends that's where you want to go sit talk to a professional about this feel it out and then make a decision okay do I need am I looking at this right am i saying that's right and do I get gone so when you go back and this the thing what's understood doesn't need to be explaining like a lot of the stuff I say 90% of the stuff I say I shouldn't have to so I shouldn't have to say it but it's not common sense some people will call it common sense but if it was common sense then it wouldn't need to be said it's uncommon sense but I don't really go down every single Avenue because I'm only talking to you for an hour I could it'll take four hours eight hours like you'd live all these years and you're still foggy on love and relationships so understand I'm not gonna be able to hit every single aspect in our video when you've been here decades and still learning understand that and some people don't really get that when they watching the video but what you gotta realize is it's a lot of people who take people back for things that we don't feel they should have taken them back for and so that's where I have to speak to I can't just be like in the work that I do it's not my place to say listen never ever go back and if you do I'm cutting you off so my job as a relationship coach is help protect you in whatever choice you make so and I'm gonna give it to you real but I can't it may not be that specific because I'm talking to thousands of people here not just you and your situation and I don't know your situation so the other issue when you hear these videos is don't just take a video and try to make it fit you because it's not one size fits all and a lot of people make that mistake because they're being cheap and they don't want to pay for a coaching session so they take a video and they try to apply something and totally misunderstood what was being said and it up ends their life so you have to seek professional help now yes I am a professional but I'm not addressing your situation specifically I'm speaking generally so some of it may apply and some of it may not because its caveats and nuances in every situation so understand that before you make this huge decision in your life make sure you sit down and you talk with a professional to talk this out to make sure that you truly are hearing what you think you're hearing and you're thinking what you think you are thinking now this is the thing you are grown so as they say it's unfair for people to tell you just leave because it may not be something that you can just leave you may feel like listen we have children together we got a house together we've been together more than a decade what happened it hurt me but I can get over it I can handle it in whatever area that offense may be in you made that decision so if you make that decision then here's what you have to understand about forgiveness if you choose to forgive somebody then you have to stop reminding them of the offense if you choose to forgive that means that you are loving them as if you've never been hurt before so if you can't do that then you should not be taking the person back if you gotta take somebody back and you want your cake and eat it too meaning you miss the person you miss them you love them so you don't want to go through the heartache and the pain of getting over them so you want to be back with them but then you want them to be a prisoner to their past you want them to live between your toes and to cook you food every day and to cater to you you know endlessly and just serve you and worship your pain and your insecurities and your unforgiveness that's not how forgiveness works and if you know anything about the Holy Bible then you've read in the Holy Bible where it talks about forgiveness and how it says you know when God forgives you he throws it into the sea of forgetfulness and remembers it no more that is the essence of forgiveness so this really is where it comes down to from the Rooter to the tooter they don't mean that right here just want to put that in there sound good but this is really what it comes down to you got to look at this thing and say can I take this person back and not remind him or her of the offense if the answer is no then you have not done the work to heal or it is irreconcilable or you just that person is not the person for you that's what you have to understand and that's hard to understand sometimes because you say well that's not fair if he cheated on me he needs to be kissing my butt he needs to be explaining to me every day why he did what he did no that's not a relationship because love keeps no score love doesn't remind the person of the wrong that they did love suffers the wrong but it remembers no wrong so if you're going to stay then you have to stay as if nothing ever happened if you can't do that then you need to move on with your life because that means too much damage has been done and it can't be repaired with this person and that's the that's the unfair part about it now on the flip side the person that's being forgiven that person should be an open book that person should be rebuilding trust rebuilding building a rapport with you all over again so that's also a sign is does this person want to be an open book roll out the red carpet if the person was cheating he or she was cheating does he or she want to share passwords now you know be open be open and honest direct be all the way out there now if that person doesn't want to do that then that's a sign for you but at the same time it's not fair to the forgiver I mean to the one who's being forgiven to remain a prisoner because it's like this if someone does the crime they do the time when they do the time they are free they can go you don't have to sit behind bars anymore you don't have to eat prison food anymore you don't have to work on the chain gang anymore you're free to go about your life so when you forgive someone you freedom of the prisoner of their past they're no longer a prisoner of their past they are free from that so what you do is you have to give them trust again see Trust is earned but trust is also given so you have to give them trust again because if they are earning your trust they will never truly earn your trust because the position of power that you'll be putting in when they're trying to get your trust back that position of power you will abuse that power because you will get coddled you will be law to sleep you will be spoiled with him or her and handing you their phone and letting you read through all their text message just read all their DMS read all their inboxes letting you plug up to the phone so that they're on your iCloud so that all their message is coming to your computer you get spoiled with this overstepping of boundaries and there's no privacy and there's no respect and there's no trust and they are prisoner to their past now you can lot somebody down in reality when they've committed a crime that deserves jail or prison time but in real life you won't be able to have a prisoner in real life that person will eventually revolt they will eventually break free and so if you are trying to be awarded and run a prison in your relationship or be a slave master and run a plantation in your relationship eventually you're gonna meet nat turner eventually you gonna meet Harriet Tubman eventually it's gonna be an uprising and it's gonna be some furniture moving because that person is gonna get fed up of being a prisoner to their past as if you've never told a lie or made a mistake you maybe have even cheated you made it you may have done something that that you were never called for so now you being a hypocrite and you holding them to the fire because you caught them but you did just as bad or or worse or just as much but just in a different way in a different area but you were smarter about it and you weren't cold so now you've been a hypocrite now you are ruining your relationship from the inside out you breaking it down you still in what y'all have so that's what you got to understand on this hair thing is that when you choose to forgive now it takes two and I have a video about if you want to get her back I think I'm talking to the man if you want her back or how to get your woman back so check that video out for the flip side of it when you're the one that did the wrong and you're trying to get back in good graces and that could be inverted and used for a woman as well if you don't want who did wrong and trying to get back in good graces so the person who did are wrong they really imprisoned themselves they really imprison themselves but the person who was forgiving you giving them the key to say listen I'm not gonna keep you in prison I appreciate you caring enough to rebuild the report to rebuild trust and to be an open book I appreciate that I respect that it lets me know that you want to make this work and so what I'm gonna do is meet you halfway and here go you're walking you know his goal your freedom key so that you don't have to live like that I'm gonna give you enough rope to help yourself or the opposite and that's what you have to do you give the person trust my dad had told me that he say you have to love as if you've never been hurt before you give the person trust and then what happens is you see what they do with your trust if they go back out and do the same thing eventually they're gonna get messy and you're gonna catch them up in it and now you're gonna know you didn't appreciate the grace that I gave you you took the grace for granted I'm gone but it's so much more freedom and power in that stance then you being a prisoner yourself in your mind because you feel like you always got to be checking and following up behind them and checking them and watching them and snooping and spying you always got to be doing that so now your stomach is hurting every day your is hurting every day and then you bumping into stuff and you find the stuff and it's not really nothing it's not much but it's something and so now you reading into it now you wondering if he's talking in a cold language not you wondering if mom and the phone is actually a mom and not Lisa that he used to be sleeping with not you wondering if this really his homeboy under this name or if this is a woman or if this is his homeboy now is he gay does he like men now so you know you're going through all of this because you want to keep a tight leash on and you want to be the warden of the prison and now y'all can't even enjoy love you can't even take a vacation without arguing because you're still bringing up the past and then the person that is asking for forgiveness and trying to make it work what's gonna happen is he or she starts to resent you and you start to push them away instead of y'all building and coming closer they started to get pushed away they start to resent you and they start to flip their mindset and instead of being remorseful now they almost becoming resentful and revengeful and they're like you know what says you're gonna treat me like a prisoner since you're gonna treat me like a cheater since you're gonna hold me to the fire like that I'm finna make sure you get burned I'm f---ing the dog UI something to learn how to tea on a whole nother level just so I could win this hair battle since you want to treat me like this like I'm your lap dog instead of you know forgiving me and growing up and letting us live in peace and in love that person will start to resent you and now you gonna have to pay another price and so this is the thing that's what you got to understand I'm gonna cut this short today just cuz on I got a coach in a little bit but that's what you got to understand is love is a gamble so when you trying to love somebody when you're trying to be in a you taking a chance there are no guarantees and that's the thing that's the issue with humans is we want guarantees before we put ourselves out on the limb we want guarantees and that's just not life you're gonna have to walk out on that limb and it might snap and you're gonna have to grow wings on the way down or you just gonna have to take that landing might break a leg might break something else but you live to see another day or you lose it all but that's what life is it's taking chances so what you got to realize is you can't say well I don't want to drop my cards and just fully fully trust because what if he hurts me again that's a part of it that's a part of working on a relationship the things that you need to do to help avoid that is evaluate character so you see this person has low character low morals then now you know the chances of him breaking your heart it's very likely it's a high possibility but if you see this person is full of character fully integrity you know full of just all of the good then now you know if the root is good fruit gonna be good now you know I could trust this person and that's what you gotta realize that's what you gotta come to and that's our problem you know in every aspect of life we fear giving 100% because we fear it not working out we fear not getting 100 in return me and my wife we would just randomly looking at houses and we saw this house and we think about moving in you know we're looking at my wife she was saying she was like well before we get into this bidding war and counter offering and all of that let's ask the realtor how good of a chance do we have on closing you know on the lending side of things and she wanted that surance like four we get all the way and it is and really the little I listen just got a walk by faith you got the submit you know go she ate on this and you might come to a price you might put in your deposit and the lending my fall through the bank might back out you get your deposit back gotta go on about your life That's Life that's life do you say well I'm not gonna do my hair for this interview I'm not gonna brush my teeth for this interview you know I'm not I'm not gonna dry this interview because I don't know if I'm gonna get a job no you do your hair you brush your teeth you gas up your car you get your best outfit and you go do the interview and guess what might not get the job now you don't waste time you're in some ways money and now you got to do this 10 times over 50 times over and every time you got to bring the same energy because the 50th time might be the drop the dream job of a lifetime but if you gave less enthusiasm and less effort on that 50th time you're gonna miss the job that could have changed your life the same thing applies to love and relationships the same thing applies to every chance you give a relationship if you want to go back to a relationship but you're given less trust and less energy and less love then the time you did before just because you got hurt the last time now you definitely fend to get hurt now you definitely finna lose because in order for it to work out it's gonna take 100% and if you cannot give 100% you got to get out the kitchen you got to go about your business Point Blank period you got to don't bite your business so understand this and a lot of women y'all you know and me and two now now listen I'm gonna tell you this if this I'm talking like I'm talking to a woman but if you're the woman and you offense on the man you gotta go on back to business you fend to be in for it like you think you think women don't forgive you think women be wanting to know that if ands or buts about it for years to come mess around a cheat on a man you finna be on first 48 every 72 hours he puttin you on first 48 48 hours out that 72 you in that chill in that white room with that little bit of drink sitting out answering questions every 48 hours out of every 72 hours you ain't again so now let me ask it is let me ask you this okay say this bottle is you okay say this can is him okay what you did you finna be Ginn interrogated interrogate it over and over I'm telling me men don't really forgive night whoo if you got a man that's forgiving you that you cheat on this man and this man treat you like a queen like he don't remember make sure I meet that man make sure I meet that man like some kind of wait come to a book signing do a coaching session make sure I meet that man that have forgiven you wholeheartedly and not reminded you of your offense make sure I meet that man cuz listen I'm gonna have to go mad put that man in the Smithsonian Museum you hit me but that ain't something man do nine and with women a lot of women don't forgive either but and that's the thing but a lot of women take men back more than me and take women back me and a lot more strict on their relationship deal breakers women take me and back a whole lot more at a much higher rate but then you want to take them and back then you want to be interrogate now and then you got a question and you asked the same question every every week in ten different ways so what about her are you attracted to really really what is her degree in oh my goodness oh my god so what is it about that degree that you like a communications degree over my Social Work degree that's what turns you on you like her 2017 Camry over my 2015 BMW so like what is it I'm so her dimples is that what you like because I don't have dimples and she has dimples and so you ask an oli question and you were there going okay I need you to tell me exactly ech Zack Lee what happened from A to Z because I was just looking give me one second the last time we talked today is June 16th when I asked you June 8th I wrote in my diary June 8th you told me that you met her on February 1st at 4:35 after you got off work that's what you told me but then when I look when I asked you on May 16th you said that you met her at 6 p.m. so now the man like this okay listen all right he didn't forgot which lie he didn't told you but because you planned Matlock because you Sherlock Holmes because every week you want to do another interrogation what are y'all wearing y'all gettin where y'all get you see the reason why he keep telling you little white lies is because if you can't swallow the little lie you definitely gonna choke over the big truth the whole truth so he trying to spare you he trying to spare you so it's like if you wanna be there didn't just be there okay say listen I'm gonna forgive and I'm gonna love because no human is perfect that's the angle you got the tape and if you don't want to take that hand Oh Tony oh my god are you telling me that I cannot Co uestion a man when I take him back I'm not saying you can't question him I'm saying but you can't keep questioning him every week every month every six months y'all never going going to live it down you're never gonna get past it you starting the relationship all over again so if you got that many questions then you need to interrogate him one real good a long time and then you need to make a decision am I gonna leave or am I gonna stay and if you're gonna stay then you need to let it go and that's one thing about my wife that's one thing about the woman he'll woman's influence and that's what he'll change my life I did stupid stuff early on in our relationship not not like you know she caught me cheating you know sleeping with a woman and then like that not like that but just stupid stuff and went back to the street life she had to check me sent a Facebook message she felt was borderline - - over the line you know look stuff like that that she had to check me and when she tipped me she could have kept reminding me over and over I took you back after this I know you did that remember what you did that she checked me on it we talked about it apologize I said I'm gonna change I never heard about it again never heard about it again she's just anything now on the stuff she'll say a couple one or two more times is if we had a disagreement and I said something that she thought was a little too harsh she might remind me about that by one time but that's you get that one at one time and when she does she do it with a laugh she do it with a joke she'll do it with tears she's not crying and nothing like that but uh-huh yeah cuz you think this I remember what you said and she'll do it like that she'd get that one time I so understand it's night you got some grace you got some grace it's not a one-size-fits-all it's not to say y'all can't sit down and talk about it it's not to say that you can't have two conversations about it what I'm saying is you can't make this a regular thing to where y'all you harping on this every month or the event has an anniversary that you every year you throwing a birthday party for his offense you know what today is don't you [Music] oh you're gonna play dawn look at the calendar you don't remember what today is like what are you talking about it's not your birthday it's not our anniversary like what are you talking about huh so we want to play dawn six years ago today you called that other H oh you see I'm saying so now you negate an event or anniversary so now the man trying to man then wrote books the man he hidden did 12 sessions with me the man a life coach on my mentor die life the man then changed his like the man then moved on or the woman invert this if it's all the way around and you still celebrating the anniversary of his dumb choice that's what I mean that's not forgiveness that's prison and that's what you cannot have if you gonna have a relationship so if you take him back you need to make sure that your heart can handle it and and not listen for you go twisting my words so you telling me that I need to take a man back after he cheat at the heat eternally after he cussed me out no I'm not telling you to take anybody back ain't telling to take anybody back don't putting words in my mouth what I'm telling you is that if you take him back then you need to take back don't take him back and then have him be a prisoner to his past mistakes so if you cannot move on without keep bringing it up bringing it up bringing it up and if you cannot give your heart and all your love taking a risk of being hurt again and having to walk away for good if you get hurt again if you cannot do that that means that it is irreconcilable and you need to move on with your life there's too much damage done and it's time for you to close this relationship begin your healing process and move on with your life Edith Tony guys has only got 30 something minutes hit me today I feel like he likes it to look too bright on me today or maybe I just finished eating so maybe on hold I'm trying to hold his stomach in and got me short of breath so I feel like oh my gosh float away like oh he didn't belong trying to keep this thumb at the end so I gotta go cuz I could barely breathe so let me go on close this out right here listen back to this again if you want is hoping to get your ally and listen to this twice and just hear me what I'm telling you because if you're not going through this right now you may go through this in the future and it's something that you really need to learn about and also get this in your spirit on forgiveness and if you don't want who created the offense go through all my videos and look for the other video all if you're trying to get in person back it is Tony gasps and god bless you we'll talk

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 32,605

Rating: 4.9272728 out of 5

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Id: o5KwEsUmfQo

Length: 35min 28sec (2128 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 16 2020