If Coffee Commercials Were Honest - Honest Ads (Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Folgers Parody)

ah beautiful day i'd call it perfect but it's missing something don't you think ah there it is this morning just wasn't complete until your first cup of coffee right yeah there's nothing quite like a steaming cup full of an addictive drug in the morning i'm roger and i'd love to tell you about horton brand warm addictive brown stuff please enjoy this footage of velvety smooth beans followed by a well shot close up of a hot brown liquid that's brewed by mixing heated water with the roasted smashed up seeds of a flowering shrub native to southern africa and tropical asia i only showed you that to remind you you desperately need your fix how could you forget you see these small brown seeds are a naturally occurring source of the world's most widely consumed central nervous system stimulant caffeine while most brain altering substances are outlawed or at least tightly controlled by the government this entirely legal psychoactive drug is enjoyed by basically every person you know on a daily basis completely unrestricted and with zero cultural stigma in fact it's openly celebrated by your friends family and morning television personalities smells so good i can't wait to add flavors and sweetener to distract from the natural flavor of this thing i claim to love and not be addicted to i do like it it's just that two sugars and that hazelnut creamer make it i'm not a dick junkies like him keep me a harvester of brown seeds in business but not just me also me a distributor of overpriced addictive sludge it also comes in pumpkin flavored if you'd prefer that to the wet cigar boiled asphalt flavor that occurs naturally i do great that'll be 11 and here's a cup with your name just butchered on it to prove that you will let literally anyone treat you literally however they want as long as they're handing you a cup of the chemical reward of an unregulated psychoactive drug enjoy your drug disguised as a universally celebrated touchstone of human culture randor randor that's not even a name i didn't even try now i understand that you wouldn't want to associate that chemical reward with the knowledge that people with far less money than you are severely underpaid to grow and harvest these bitter drug-laden seeds so i'd like to show you some more footage this time of a hard-working happy-looking person in ethiopia or guatemala somewhere hot it doesn't really matter i'm also going to say some words that combined with these images should make you feel better organic cooperative sustainable ethical ethics i could bore you with the details and complexities of the international commodities market or i could just say hey look this burlap bag of beans has fair trade stamped on it that's good right sure or at any rate it lets you plausibly deny that your happiness fix relies on somebody else's misery now the only thing that'll keep you up at night is this central nervous system stimulant you consume on a daily basis via this mix of heated water and roasted smashed up seeds why are you doing this why are you telling us this you're really cranky when you haven't had your coffee you know that there you go a nice warm cup of your personality drink it up i'm roger by the way hey i'm roger thanks for watching like and subscribe hey what other terrible aspects about coffee did i miss put it in the comments and i'll read them and we'll get back to you

Channel: Cracked

Views: 6,304,241

Rating: 4.8182855 out of 5

Keywords: Folgers, Starbucks, Coffee, Coffee Beans, Commercials, Commercial Parodies, Honest Ads, Honest Commercials, Honest Trailers, Cracked, Cracked.com, Sketch, comedy, parody, funny, spoof, humor, sketch, satire, Coffee Bean

Id: 2ovhbT-Iulc

Length: 4min 50sec (290 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 04 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/SirKingdude]

That was actually really funny. Much better than most of Cracked's content in the last few years.

[u/IM_THE_WORST]

Too long but true.

Was wondering about effects on body after heavy long term use, does it cause any permanent downregulation in the brain?

[u/Dent18]

That first woman is thicc as fuck

And yeah it's fucking stupid how caffeine is so accepted and everything else so demonized

[u/shadowofsunderedstar]

... as I drink my morning cup of coffee

[u/Addictedmangod]

Coffee was my gateway drug to stimulants. As silly as that sounds I honestly believe it. Started out with just 1 cup a day, progressed to a few pots a day... Then I started taking caffeine pills, redbull, ECT... I really don't feel the effects anymore from caffeine.

So now here I am, just snorted 30mg of addy, about to go get me a cup of coffee, a redbull and goto work.

[u/FalmerbloodElixir]

I think I've only ever drank one cup of coffee, and that was after finishing my 6 hour shift at Tim Horton's. I just don't get the appeal of this shit.

[u/frost-byte62]

Absolutely fucking true. *says while chugging concentrated black coffee in morbid disgust of the substance*