6 Absurd Things That Prove Hollywood Doesn’t Know Crap About Bathrooms - Your Brain On Cracked

[Music] he was Cortez triumphantly gloating over Montezuma and the Aztec nation man I wish somebody would pillage me well hey there nerds i'm dr. jordan breeding and my mom says i relied too heavily on bathroom humor but she can be a real poopoo head sometimes so anyway if you're watching your brain on crack to show i lather myself in soaps and oils and i'll add that the internet with my medical advice and the only show on crack where the entire production team could fit in one tub well before i start scrubbing my downstairs mix up let's diagnose we may not agree on which direction the toilet paper goes but we all know the basics of how to use the bathroom at least everybody does except the people who create our entertainment apparently though to be fair it's hard to imagine normal people using the bathroom when you yourself simply into your production assistants hands but anyway here are a few of Hollywood's best guesses as to how normies tussle with the toilet when's the last time you talk to somebody in a public restroom not just like a nice dick you got there man but a full-on conversation of vital importance ever right I mean you're there to squeeze out some liquid ways to leave any additional second spit in the bathroom increases your chances of awkwardly locking eyes with somebody who either just finished or is just about to start violently pinching off alone what did you eat and it's by definition of public place even if the room is empty your nemesis could be listening outside the door and yet for some reason movies think bathrooms are the perfect place to vent frustrations about your co-workers or detail final plans or make death threats in between dirty squirts everything from pitch perfect to Harold and Kumar to freakin spider-man homecoming include scenes like this and of course the one thing that should make you think twice before shouting dangerous secrets over your confidant sweat farts in real life actually happens movies all the time if you're trash talking in a public bathroom there's an 86% chance that the subject of said trash talk is like eight feet away in a stall dude not her vaginas probably stuffed with diplomas how much you want to bet it's like a filing cabinet in Robocop Bob Martin and his best work friend are apparently star but the urge to take a good old-fashioned simultaneous piss and while they're whimsically crossing their streams they decide to loudly disparage their boss but not only do they not check the stalls to see if he's maybe blowing out an overhang in there they totally ignore the other four employees in various states of waste release those guys know the boss is throwing out the morning glory and they quickly evacuate as soon as talk turns libelous meaning even if the boss didn't happen to be dropping to deuce any of those other people could have ratted them out you just how and designate a survivor a guy taking his talks to the guy next to who's literally who he's talking about he's I'm telling you man I got half a mind to make a run to Canada you know what I'm saying oh he just opens up to the stranger grunting in the stall next to him that's how free and unworried Hollywood thinks we are in public restrooms as if busting a grumpy in public isn't the single most stressful terrifying thing we do on a regular basis so pretend you're about to have sex and you're waiting in bed while your partner gets ready in the bathroom through the door you hear a muffled voice you lean closer is he on the phone did he stop to call his mom nope they're yelling encouragement at themselves in the mirror at this point you're either having some serious doubts about it or you're in a movie in which case it makes perfect sense injili Ben Affleck apparently needs to talk himself into sex by flexing and yelling at his reflection somehow watching his angry young body all swollen and red is the perfect motivator to get out there and engage in some turkey time this Beach is full of inspiring quotes like get the bull by the horn you know what I'm talking about I'll give you the horn want to see the horn I'm the bull you're the cow how else would a straight guy convince himself to sleep with circa 2003 Jennifer Lopez cow similarly Paul Rudd's character and wanderlust has to practice his dirty talk out loud because it's obviously played for last but the underlying joke seems to be we've all been here right guys I mean we all have to pump ourselves up in front of a mirror and become our own fluffers you don't take it you don't take that dip now what I'm gonna put my dick in at the other end of the spectrum when pulp fiction's Vincent Vega gets into a sexually tense situation with his boss's wife he has to go into the bathroom and convince his erection to deflate go home jerk off and that's all you're gonna do just as a matter of common sense are none of them worried that the very person they're trying to seduce or hide their arousal from will hear them I mean they're in the next room bathroom doors aren't insulated for smell much the sound I don't put my dick in sours are a lot like the kids from Harry Potter I mean it takes a long time for them to get hot the first water out of the showerhead is to several cold gallons of water that have been sitting in the pipes all night before the good stuff know how water heater arise most people look thus turn it on and do their taxes or whatever for a minute or two before testing the temperature with a hand and then after all that stepping in but not if you're in a movie know before you even crank the knob you're gonna get naked stand in there and turn it on without so much as suggesting the temperature and just let it splash down on you like a freakin psycho speaking of in psycho the psycho remake and scream queens omage she just stands there and lets ice cold water blast her in the boobs hannah from girls is the same thing in a scene that somehow features last lena dunham nudity than usual and seinfeld doesn't in that episode with the whole beep lot about Kramer's apartments water pressure yes the whole joke is that he was hilariously taken by surprise but what his shower did because he didn't test it first but the implication is that every single other day for 45 years Kramer's just been stepping in the showers and hoping the temperatures perfect as soon as the knob is turned but you know classic Kramer whatnot look I'm a fully clothed fully professional doctor sitting in a fully real tough but the only reason you should ever be fully closed in the bathtub with other people because if you've been murdered or your training your Olympic bobsled team right yet for some reason in movies that happens all the time characters love to bond and discuss their lives hope streams and how they don't even own enough towels to get them dry now in Garden State Natalie Portman and zach braff bond over perhaps mom dying after making the absolutely baffling decision to send a dry tub literally the cold ass floor would be more comfortable so such a good idea in Paper Towns the popular girl in the protagonist only become friends after a good fully clothed bathtub session where they both presumably realize their shared love of slightly damp underwear and in big fish Albert and his wife finally accepts his impending death thanks to their time doing exactly the opposite of what tubs are supposed to be used for this isn't just a Hollywood thing either it's such a common fashion shoot setting that there are entire photo collections of hot people and bathtubs just eating drinking answering the phone all fully clothed sometimes it's with water sometimes it's without water sometimes it's with milk is this a fetish is that any weirdos found this video some of these people are wearing shoes does that make it hotter for you no seriously what what can I do to make you watch future videos okay quick what's the process for brushing your teeth might I suggest wet the toothbrush put toothpaste on it run it over your teeth think about how you haven't been to the dentist in eight years spit rinse out your mouth then go on to do life-saving surgeries and other actual doctor things it's a pretty straightforward process that really shouldn't change no matter how fantastical the world of your movie is presumably Legolas brushes his teeth just the same as Luke Skywalker yet almost every cinematic toothbrush fails to complete that list specifically they forget to rinse out their foamy mint filled mouth maybe I'm just going crazy for example the seminal cheerleading classic bring it on has an entire QCT freshen scene where the future Mary Jane Watson or is stripling love or clean their teeth side by side it's spending multiple times but then suddenly lover boy finishes brushing wipes his mouth and leaves the bathroom as if they've completed the entirety of their nightly foreplay but rinse Raditz you Pig The Devil Wears Prada manages to show Andy spitting out her toothpaste which magically hasn't bone in the slightest but again no effort to rinse you mean to tell me that during her entire stressful day of picking out Silas outfits for Satan that Andy's mouth is crammed full of yummy toothpaste how could she recites a Tain's prayer for tongue is constantly sticking to the roof of their mouth no I haven't seen the whole movie this is one of those situations where filmmakers have decided this extra three seconds would be wasted screen time despite us already literally watching a teeth brushing scene so they just skip it but now I can't stop noticing that they never ever rinse and neither should you okay and yes I know I'm courting controversy with this one some dentists are in the comments right now telling me that rinsing your mouth out after brushing is bad for your teeth and they're asking if I'm wearing eyeliner but look they're not even real doctors like me I'm a doctor the whole body this is how normal American freedom-loving humans take care of their mouth bones am I wrong I dare you to tell me that I'm wrong I'm gonna pop off a piece of my dick sitcom characters have to be weird enough to be fun but not so weird that it frightens us I mean nobody wants to see Kramer bite the head off a live pigeon no problem there Hollywood is decided that the perfect way to conveyed this mild porkiness is to have everyone hang out in their bathroom for hours at a time hang on the opening scene of broad said he's third season show's Abbi and Ilana using their personal bathrooms for literally everything TV bathrooms are not just for pooping or for crying they're for eating exercising talking on the phone boning knitting more eating weed smoking dancing becoming better friends and even filming internet videos they say it's the same dealing girls a show in which roommates inexplicably bathe together and hang out while one of them is on the toilet they have group meetings in there and a substantial amount of the show's plot has developed six inches from a frickin floater that was gross that's so gross another show's characters sleep in bathrooms hello have debates thank you guys for coming it's really helpful to hear you and basically do everything short of move their TV in there oh wait [Music] [Applause] so what do we learn today Caleb well we learned that bathrooms are really weird and that I need to start rinsing my mouth that's great good work all right on your way out be sure to grab some medicine for your terminal dandruff left [Applause] [Music] is taking it down no but seriously guys would be really helpful if you would like if you would subscribe if you comment chew with your friends we're still trying to grow this thing

Channel: Cracked

Views: 94,165

Rating: 4.7814255 out of 5

Keywords: cracked, your brain on cracked, after hours, obsessive pop culture disorder, honest ads, dan o'brien, jordan breeding, small beans, hollywood, bathrooms, movies, movie tropes, movies secrets, easter eggs, comedy, humor, skit, kramer, seinfeld, gigli, robocop, broad city, truman show, movie bathrooms, bathtub fetish, bathtub scenes, bathrooms in movies, teeth brushing, dentist, rinse after brushing teeth, mouth bones, doctor, tooth brush, toilet

Id: gEdUDA26LfM

Length: 11min 13sec (673 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 10 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/detap_rettiwt]

I'm appalled that a definitely real doctor of your caliber is using a fake tub.

[u/thefringeseanmachine]

hey... I think my mom has the same tub!

but yeah. really, really impressive use of clips. when you deliver a seemingly innocuous or even disarmingly nonsensical line, it's followed by a perfect - and often quite obscure clip. I'm not sure if you have an encyclopedic knowledge of random movie quotes, or if Cracked has an, *ahem*... crack research department (that hasn't been fired yet) but it all came together really, really well. I haven't seen Cool Runnings in like 15 years. down the John Candy rabbit-hole I go again...

[u/BertBanana]

Effort and time was put in, it shows.

Keep at it