- Are you tired, bloated, pimply, and constantly self-conscious? - I don't know, am I? - Do you feel weighed
down by all the toxins and excess weight that
your body's carrying? - I guess I hadn't really
thought about that. - Hi I'm Roger and yes, I think you have thought about it. Which is why you should try Horton's Drinkable Salad Detox Cleanse. (soft guitar music) I'm sure you've heard of us. We've placed sponsored ads
all over your social media feeds and pay celebrities to post pictures of themselves enjoying our product. The intention is to make you believe that our Drinkable Salads are
the key to real happiness. It's pretty simple. You'll agree to stop feeding yourself food for some amount of time and in exchange you'll pay exorbitant amounts of money for a bunch of different
juices for every meal. - Oh, it tastes like spicy grass! - Many people believe
that detox cleansing leads to improved mood, better
digestion, clearer skin, weight loss and general
sense of well-being. But, ya know, many people
believe all kinds of things, that doesn't make it true. You definitely won't
experience any of these benefits while you're cleansing. That's because depriving yourself of food will cause you to be a train wreck. The surge in sugar you're
consuming will lead to wild emotional vacillations, and for you regular
coffee drinkers out there, the sudden depravation of caffeine is going to feel like quitting smoking, with all the irritability that implies. - There's kale in this,
kale was never supposed to be a thing you drink, it should barely be a thing that you eat. - Honestly, the whole idea of
a detox is pretty misleading. Our bodies naturally detox themselves, that's what our kidney,
liver, lungs and skin are for. But hey, everyone else is
doing it so it's worth a shot. For just a significant amount of money, you will receive a variety
of Drinkable Salads composed of premasticated vegetables
and mashed up fruit packaged in non eco friendly containers. And you can trust me when I say that they taste totally fine. Imagine celery and apples that
you can drink for breakfast! Do you like roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and a small salad? Well, now imagine drinking beets mixed with some nuts instead of that! Plus, some tasty alkaline water. I don't remember why we call
it that or what it's supposed to do or if it does
what it's supposed to do but it's six to nine dollars a bottle. - Jesus (beep) Christ. - Each bottle of Horton's
Drinkable Salad contains four to eight servings of produce which is obviously way too much, but the process of juicing
removes all its insoluble fiber so it won't feel like
you've consumed anything. - But what is the pos-- - Ah, I know exactly
what you're going to ask. What is the possibility
that I'm going to be (beep) water constantly. - I wasn't. - High, it's very high,
it's almost a certainty. - I was gonna ask what
the positive side was, but that seems less important right now. - Speaking of less, that
brings me to the amount of nutritional value our blended fruit and vegetable slurpees provide, less. Less than you're used to. Also, you'll experience
breakouts, body aches, flatulence, bloating,
constipation and/or diarrhea and deep body aches, so I
wouldn't recommend going to work or attending
any social engagements. - [Woman] Way ahead of you. - However, if you can
tough it out till day three of your voluntary poop torture, you might experience feelings of euphoria and heightened senses! Our certified nutritionist
says that this is a natural byproduct of the detoxification process, but I'm pretty sure it's
just that you are literally starving to death because our Drinkable Salad Detox cleanse brings your caloric intake down to
under 1,000 calories a day which sends you into starvation mode. Starvation Mode is when
your body shuts down in order to preserve
calories and fat stores, burning muscle mass instead. Don't worry, our cleanse floods your body with diuretics so you'll
still lose weight. It'll just be water weight,
and you'll most likely gain it back as soon
as you eat a real meal. - I can't wait to have a real meal again. I'm gonna get a big ole
(beep) off cheeseburger and just murder it. - Be careful when reintroducing
food into your diet. Severe calorie restriction
can permanently slow down your metabolism, so you
may just need to eat less calories in general. Plus, reintroducing
solid foods immediately after consuming nothing but liquids? That's what we call a bowel game changer. - What? - One more word of
caution since you're going to be peeing and (beep)
just so much water, you'll likely to become quite dehydrated. Essentially, you are buying dysentry. But our dysentry comes in
pretty colors with cool, instagrammable packaging so that's neat. Want me to get a picture
of you drinking it? Gorgeous, #livingmybestlife, #juicelife, #beachbod. #onedaydownfivetogo. - [Woman] (beep) five. - So, if you are ready to be successful, beautiful, desired and toxin free try Horton's Drinkable
Salad Detox Cleanse. It isn't easy, but if you want to be loved and live a long, fulfilling
life with a trim waistline and glowing skin, stop
being a baby and suck it up. Oh, thata girl, get them likes.
Is Halo top a juice if you let it melt?
SRS the bit about starvation mode peeved me
As long as that 'juice' is water you should be good to go!