Everything Wrong With Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

from the studio that brought you all those fun Transformers movies Nickelodeon movies you are extraordinary my sons splinters pep-talk is a narration but it's narration destined to protect the people of New York why does this radioactive super gyro never happened in Detroit a dark force is growing isn't it always known as the Foot Clan so named because they step over the good people of this city with no regard hey what should we call this group of bad guys I don't know the Foot Clan why because they step over good people with no regard that's stupid and yet history tells us the name stuck also the Foot Clan didn't name themselves and yet they still go by a name given to them by police and do-gooders movie cribs a few minutes a title sequence from the slow mo guys from Ninja you're not yet ready to go above ground so they've been practicing against each other alone that's pretty worthless training maybe they're not ready for the Foot Clan but couldn't you let them train on a petty person or a drug dealer April O'Neill isn't a porn star in this scene April O'Neill goes from wearing a grey shirt to this black jacket with a purple boob shirt to a purple jacket with a grey shirt after doing trampoline boob jumping jacks why did the trainer and the fifth demonstrator behind him not warrant mini trampolines like the rest of the crew you've heard the expression never take candy from a baby because even babies love candy simply dropping job from Arrested Development into random ass movies does not improve set random ass movie also a movie about ninja turtles is opening with a character that is not a ninja turtle I didn't buy this ticket for April O'Neil man people who ride bikes in normal traffic lanes like they think their cars and why did April bike all the way here just to Skype with the guy she wanted to talk to maybe he wasn't there and she decided to call him but damn why didn't she call first before making that bike ride also this guy who doesn't want to be interviewed to answer the phone using Skype also April assumes this guy has Skype on his phone I'm guessing this was just a big reason to advertise Skype wasn't also this guy she's chatting with is keeping his phone incredibly still during this call series of thefts on the dock has not improved security one bit I guess New York has only the Ninja Turtles to save them April O'Neill just happens to bike past a chemical cargo theft in progress convenient viewing tear in fence lining is convenient get out of my way copy that the image on the screen looks pretty good why can't she still take that picture leonardo picks the one night where april O'Neil is working on this one specific crime to come out for the first time look if there was low light before there's low light here too so don't be giving that she can take a picture all the sudden she also obsessed reporter tries to take pictures now rather than during all the action with my mom and Michael Bay is blowing skypes mom I was riding my bike by the docks it was raining never mind that I don't look remotely wet pay attention there is someone fighting back against the Foot Clan and now I have my story you didn't get video of anything you're talking about only you did was take a picture of some graffiti but I think that you're gonna want to hear that I have to say and here it is last night I saw something I did not photograph or film but what's newsworthy what do you think I'm gonna pretend we never have this conversation me too William Fichtner is playing an evil businessman cliche I know not expert but I'm pretty sure this is easy to break out of with about ten percent effort boy was so no cumin or started up I don't believe in fairy tales why did you say that one thing in Japanese and then switch to English for this it's what society wants to reduce the Foot Clan to a miss if you watch Batman Begins then surely you know there's actually conserve al Yuen myth capture the vigilantes however you can whoa they're cheap she only mentioned one vigilante you seem to already know that there's more of them out there no one will stop us in our quest to reclaim victory your quest is about reclaiming victory from whom that 85 Bears went at the Foot Clan reign victorious within your lifetime painful just happens to be at the right place at the right time again well guys earlier you told us it was the first day of spring and that was a couple days ago so why is this security camera telling us it's March 13th honestly this movie came out way after keyboard cat speak popularity for this to be some lame-ass hero movie saved just you tools of money by shooting April's reaction to the crime instead of shooting the crime itself even if everyone ran out of this subway station in a panic there would still be plenty of [ __ ] who didn't get the message and would be entering the station plus there would be a few stragglers too talking New York man they're jumpin terrible hiding spots what also why was this dude even here in the first place when all his buddies are coordinating a subway attack down below April think she can get away with this The Subways command center allowed this train to go into a station we're known criminal activity is happening oh good now it's gonna be dark while a rapidly edited action movie takes place before our very eyes I guess that low-light thing was just a bull to get her inside the dock area earlier lucky getaway tube is lucky also this might be the longest train in the history of subway transit also I'm a little worried about where that train is going since no one appears to be driving it or giving us where it goes hundreds of witnesses and kidnap victims in a terrorist attack are allowed to just leave the subway without questions or potential medical attention okay now I see why the Train went forever because that means there was no escape into the tunnels which would have been logical instead they found a tube that led them outside and they just let the worst reporter in NYC track them now we can Klein ain't nothin to quit also Ninja Turtles travel roughly 100 yards from the scene of the battle which is now crawling with cops before stopping to high-five and relive the memories together April uses the flash even though there are four well-trained vigilantes who look like Turtles up here vigilantes who are supposed to help the innocent people of New York give April O'Neil whiplash or possibly paralysis after this move turtle toes she saw hot I can feel my shout tag having seen a video of a turtles penis which is a disgusting massive abomination that's a horrifying thought well someone needs a sandwich have you seen that video where the cat plays chopsticks with the chopsticks 22 minutes in we've already made two seven-year-old keyboard cat references yeah ninja mutant turtle teenagers close enough roll credits and then put you in charge you know who did does every new turtles franchise have to start out with that old Raphael resents Leonardo storyline it's been like 30 whole minutes since you guys had this argument yep this movie is just gonna keep shoving down your throat then excusing it with a knowing wisecrack on the move Raphael Leonardo says Rafael's name for no other reason than to keep April relevant in this movie this image is somehow possible in this amount of light also you took the phone and wiped the images to protect yourselves but then leave the scene in a manner and speed that allows her to just take more pictures proper Dinges do not hoot and holler while jumping past residential windows I know they're teenagers but this is not going unnoticed in New York City I guess it's a good thing no one closed this manhole cover and that the sewer is built to become an instant slide after jumping a hundred feet off a building sewers in New York that are devoid of human waste speed 3d things sewage just the kind of joke this movie needed luckily this newspaper has an actual all written underneath its headline problem is the exact same article appears above the headline my lady titters Leonardo April knew the turtles as babies the cow died here they should have called this movie teenage mutant ninja coincidences is that a picture from the subway attack wasn't her phone wiped of all the pictures she took before she ran into the turtles they're over six feet tall and they speak English look we know that April is right and she's not crazy but she's an awful reporter and awful to figuring out how to tell a story even if she had evidence I would let her report this story she actually thinks that with a few pictures from Google and a crazy story people will just believe her what all of those other great reporters that you work with who they have put it to bed that's different how is it different um those reporters still had jobs they all started exactly where I am right fired hugest Pizza Hut box in history somehow doesn't come with free Skype software splinter is a terrible parent his kids won't tell him the truth so he punishes them by making them train but then destroys the concept of honesty by bribing the truth out of them with pizza why would these [ __ ] ever have a reason to be truthful with him unless or until he presents him with pizza heroes in the half-shell why don't one April's arrived earlier this year did this suddenly turn into a very bad Bond movie you didn't lose everything in the fire luckily for Saks April is his former partners daughter who became a reporter obsessed with this one story that led to her being in a place where she just happened to see a ninja turtle making his first appearance then just happened to be in another place where the turtle showed up where they clumsily told her their names which led to April realizing that those same turtles grew up in her father's lab which led her here this camera phone photo is absolute [ __ ] do you really want to know about project Renaissance I was born in Japan the story of project Renaissance will require me to go all the way back to the time of my birth ninth century Japan an evil warlord ruled the land no wait the story requires me to go back to the 9th century capable of stimulating self-repair on a cellular level Japanese history lessons candlelit rooms and now cellular self repair am i watching The Wolverine again because I really don't want to watch The Wolverine again how could they have lived yes I saved them coincidence meet my friend overkill also you ran into a burning lab and save the turtles in a rat but not your father this business card will help sacks track April's movements but he puts a lot of faith in the fact that she'll carry this around everywhere with her and not lose it I'll show you yeah but didn't burn leave her here nothing better than dropping off a pretty girl in a rich guys house somehow she gets back home in the next scene apparently without any more Will Arnett hijinks Google is for some reason tracking this random vigilante web site subscriber number and they put the comma in the wrong place also this search shows the local NYC time is 1:28 p.m. problem is we just saw that it's nighttime luckily for Sachs the Turtles immediately hack April's computer right when she gets home so the business card he gave her can lead him right to the Turtles which is why it's odd that the Foot Clan which is currently monitoring April's movements doesn't try to attack when they're out in the open right here initiating retinal scan scanning scanning scanning scanning skin completely it's ER Donatello maybe a computer and gadget wizard but there is no database of u.s. citizens i scans he could possibly have tapped into for this [ __ ] to work the wall of boom boxes is a cool shot but they stole all these things right surely they're not out spending what few human dollars they have on excessive boom boxes streets rooftops google maps we breached the cloaking security this bullsh works all the way down into the sewers from some satellite this is basically the amazing spider-man origin story complete with the good bad partnership and you as always provided us with a special treat doctors allow a child to wander around the lab during a sensitive experiment feeding the control group pizza slices a bluetooth-enabled camcorder with that much zoom 15 years ago the cauda here with that lazy ass product placement bluetooth was only invented in 1994 and micro MV a proprietary Sony technology wasn't released until 2001 your father had discovered the truth behind the man he was working for damn you have an amazing memory considering that while you were getting drug treatments at this point you were still by all evidence just a [ __ ] rat his last breath was taken trying to destroy shredders plan whoa whoa said anything about shredder during all the time you were locked up in the cage did sax talk about shredder a bunch while he was there did sacks and shredder have impromptu ninja sessions in a lab I was terrified but then you appeared even this girl hung around the lab sometimes and fed the animals pizza you're telling me she was there two minutes after her father set the place on fire and without her father and I should have to safety sewer equals safety like all children they were drawn to the distractions of popular culture somehow they were able to watch a music video with CD quality sound even though the store above them is clearly closed with all the TVs behind glass and a storefront security gate immediately discarded ninja books splinter takes one look at some books becomes sudden ninja master in a matter of hours at least in the 1990 version he saw the moves being performed the turtles were then able to get into remarkable ninja shape by eating pizza all the time I'll miss you a portal suit data yeah but it'll be all radioactive and stuff this wasn't discussed before you came down into the sewers soldiers who came in with tranquilizer guns decide to fight splinter hand-to-hand instead of just drinking his ass in this shot we learned that the turtles not only ordered Pizza Hut pizza but also only order Pizza Hut Pizza sure how the do you know that as we were just told a minute ago sacks just built this super shredder for all you know it could be a giant robot or Tony Stark also shredder is Megatron should we call him shredder Tron or smegma Tron you think you're their father finger swords shredder is already a master of a suit that he got like an hour ago after we've seen the turtles easily holding their own against multiple Foot Clan soldiers Leo gets taken out by three with taser sticks like a [ __ ] of course Leo fights off the bad guys but not in time to save his master splinter who was handling shredder for the most part on his own for a while decides his for ninja sons can't help sway the battle despite five-on-one odds and locks them out of it so he can die a martyr in other words this is one of many new york city rat deaths that are completely unnecessary do the shot things work even by hitting only the shell are those thing conductors oh ok where's the fourth he's dead unconfirmed kills also shredder is content not to look for his body even though would take just a fraction of his army to go and find it also Foot Clan soldiers follow destroy this place orders in a way that leaves April O'Neil alive nice rainy shot of the perp watch it but when the Foot Clan and shredder arrived it was about as sunny as possible in New York then we go right back to sunny as hell for the Raph climbs out of the rubble shot also could this rising out of the rubble shot be any more of a Transformers movie shot if it tried I mean other than replacing the turtle with a robot of course sinem needle room with shredder leaves his adversary alive because he read the villains guide to [ __ ] up your own plan movie studio uses movie to pimp future movie they will be arriving at the state in approximately 40 minutes there is no way sacks estate in the snow-capped mountains is 40 minutes from the heart of New York City and we will drain every last ounce of their blood to get it even if it kills them um draining every last ounce of blood from any living creature will kill it also Under Armour came to Paramount and said we'll pay top dollar to be the shirt the bad guy is wearing during the every last ounce of blood scene some kind of a tracker it's Donatello why is it working just now we need a ride and a reason to squeeze will arnett back into the movie but movie earns - since taken off due to mustard and parmesan Arrested Development reference Kenny G o Neill how you know that she called from a payphone dick even if you want to say the Sun came out after the rain there's no way all the ringing dried up this quickly dry Raphael waited the entire will earn it hits on Megan Fox scene to finally get impatient we had this plan and I'm gonna tell it to you despite the fact that you don't need to know and you're just here to provide me with a mutagen honey this is so you can thwart the plan later sax believes that if he doesn't show a demonstration of what poison gas does the turtles will be clueless and it'll be harder to thwart the plan later the government will then send sax industry a blank check and I'm gonna be rich like stupid rich aren't you already stupid rich you live in this mansion look I'm not knocking your capitalistic ways here but you're not even married you don't have a family at least no across in Chinatown had that dumb as it was there's the Gary is this is the main gate you went through when you came here earlier but now you're going into an area of the estate you should have no clue about also somehow this part of the estate is completely unguarded with no security features of any sort also Van is strong light bulb smashes through two huge doors with no damage whatsoever ninja with the machine gun kills neither April nor Vern well I guess there was just no other way to get out of the van this is just comically awful shooting time to take a bite out of the Big Apple the director said let's have you take a bite out of the Big Apple it'll make you seem like even more of an [ __ ] wait didn't we see Raph put all the other turtles weapons on his back before leaving to hideout where the hell are they now you shredder concerns himself with April FERC reasons completely unclear dreams for total turtle when fighting a robot Sam why not will arnett attempts to give back all his Arrested Development cred in this one movie why would the bad guy who intends to draw all their blood have adrenaline hooked up and ready to revive them in quantities that allow them to bust out of the cages just goes to show you can lose most of your blood but if you get an overdose of adrenaline you're good also adrenaline makes it so that you can crash through glass that was clearly unbreakable a minute ago despite Raphael's best efforts go where Tower City shredder is going to release a toxin we'd have no conclusion whatsoever to this movie if the bad guy hadn't told all three captive Turtles the intimate details of his plan it'd be like where should we go I don't know ah damn the world ended and guys suddenly have great aim when it comes to hitting the turtle shells causing a convenient ricochet can't they just shoot at the juicy turtle legs why is the semi a better get to New York quick vehicle than the news van person stealing vehicle conveniently finds the keys in the Sun Visor cliche where the were these [ __ ] the whole time chillin by the pool the turtles didn't steal this Hummer why didn't they each take a better vehicle than the semi since the keys are probably all stored in the Sun visors faster smaller more maneuverable villain vehicles will now easily catch up to the tractor-trailer the turtles decided to drive how in the [ __ ] did this [ __ ] get here in front of them this rocket scores a direct hit and all it does is inconvenience the trucks path handy nail comes from the Matrix Reloaded school of handy things to hang on to when you're about to get thrown from a rig they only had one rocket one more they could have sent this thing down the mountain this semi sliding down the mountain but turning around to somehow still control it scene is honestly seriously more ridiculous than that skydiving tank bolt in the 18 weight this guy has gone from shooting rockets to electric cables somehow wheeled vehicles are able to keep up with Leo through all the rocks trees small cliffs and other ski slopes on this mountain the situation comes up often does it I'm not sure where this in Michelangelo's rocket-powered skateboard or the fact that this is the first time we've heard of or seen it after on the cool is done April decides to start taking pictures yeah I'm sure you'd be dead in most cases but adrenaline yo if you can take time during your sliding to try and wake someone up then are you really sliding anymore there is no spoon and there is no mountain there's a 500-foot drop-off in 53 seconds it then takes 80 seconds to get to the drop-off oh come on there is no way this vehicle is running alongside them right now remember this there's nothing but rocky terrain on that side yep it's been more than four minutes yet multiple vehicles are still somehow in control speeding down a mountain just FYI hello seconds we're going over it then takes 47 seconds to get to the drop-off oh yeah and that other guy they were so young so beautiful they ain't dead how did you hear Michelangelo and how do you know they're not dead handy split in the cliff allows Leonardo to edge his sword into the rock and somehow the momentum didn't jerk Verne in April loose from a grip on his shell that appears to be tenuous at best evil villain armor actually looked so cumbersome it should be interfering with his ability to control this time you keep at also isn't this the exact same villain plan from the amazing spider-man I wonder if the crane operators will band together to help the turtles save the day luckily New York sewer system is a series of water slides that get you straight to your destination in speedy fashion satellite imagery shows shredders reached the top of sexed tower if that's where he's releasing the toxin frogs gonna spread all over the city yeah exactly what he told you it would do when he told you the plan earlier bring the mutagen to splinter you guys lost a lot of blood earlier right no rest no food no drink no nutrients at all since then I'm still scratching my head about that sax laboratory's on the 36th floor I've already disabled the security system man Don he's so good at hacking the movie doesn't even bother to show us his work and he did it while sliding down a sewer pipe at like a hundred miles an hour initiating the toxin release procedure oh you have to initiate a procedure goddamn it like the ones from any standard martial arts movie the turtles attack shredder one at a time for maximum uselessness oh come on your father walked in on the aprile just like you did like a few less bullets to take him down though Splinter said he remembered evils dad dying in a fire which is what I wish this movie would do five minutes why not just release it now we'll be so desperate for conflict it has the building's metallic seams start to rip apart because a couple of turtles are hanging off of it that's great but shouldn't this next level up on the building immediately start coming apart at the weight of three Turtles shredders mega Swords get stopped Bhairav I'll sign we only got 50 more seconds before the toxins released how do you know that maybe you have super sight or some but you were busy fighting shredder this whole time so when did you get a peek at the toxin countdown screen No do it leo says lead the way Raph Leo conflict resolves itself without any real reason whatsoever making me wonder what it was doing in the film to begin with instead of using his natural powers to throw the turtles off the building tritter decides to keep letting them interrupt his toxin masturbation session it only took 2 minutes and 50 seconds to become 35 seems fair discount evil robot Wolverine timer based doomsday device deactivated with 2 seconds left on the clock swords now have the ability to cut down this huge Tower with no problem even though a minute ago they could not beat Raphael sigh why does shredder care about the mutagen he still gets what he wants out of the deal by killing lots of people with the toxin right in fact why the hell did April even show up on top of the building shouldn't she be taking this stuff to a safe place in case that turtles don't win no also it's going to take some serious skyping to get out of this Jam that's rapper God she felt further than that didn't she this spire hasn't broken and killed everyone yet do it Leonardo thinks this is a good idea wait a minute was that part of the swing her towards him plan she didn't know that was gonna happen but it's exactly what needed to happen for this kick to work all four Turtles and April survived this I so did not understand the ending of lost bull if you watch the shows run you maybe didn't like the ending but you understood it unless you're seven we made it does the tower spire somehow protect you from the thousands of feet you just fell also somehow no one on the ground sees any of these [ __ ] where was this magical sewer great in relation to the crash site and somehow they found a route to it that missed every single eyeball in New York why'd you feel comfortable how did they know April would be here we figured we owed you a thanks for keeping our secret that's why we're riding around in the most ridiculous vehicle possible and honking are warning directed by Michael Bay is all most people will ever think you remember holy Sh this movie can't an can it it's nice it tastes good it's candy you so whenever someone takes flame to this city I will be there to put the fire out and remember wherever there is injustice you will find us you will find the three amigos and I see your warts is as big as mine and you gave us freedom such a gave us us free if we are to have any symbols of order in this Court goobers don't tase me bro don't the government will then send sacks industry a blank check and I'm gonna be rich like stupid rich why are you doing it how much better can you eat what can you buy that you can't already afford the future mr. gates fingers you have used to dial are too fast I so did not understand the ending of lost okay

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 7,749,602

Rating: 4.84975 out of 5

Keywords: wave jockey job, tnmt, cinemasins, movie review, review, cinema sins, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Fictional Universe), movie, eww, everything wrong with

Id: JOb7b6tilKo

Length: 22min 50sec (1370 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 15 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Hexofin]

"We will drain every last ounce of their blood... even if it kills them."

That's almost as bad as "The ice is freezing faster than it's melting!"

[u/AMeowingCat]

Sweet Slow Mo Guys reference

[u/DigbyMayor]

Oh boy. This is gonna be fun.

[u/jortbru1299]

Now in the making, cause I was unprepared: Turtle Shell Flair!

[u/KrishaCZ]

Next week: completion of a trilogy

Hobbit 3 anyone?

[u/Bread_Assassin]

I have some sins of my own.

First, how come April didn't show her boss the extremely clear picture she showed Saxon.

Second, Saxon's whole plan was release a toxin then release the antidote to get a blank check from the government, but thevpoison was very clearly coming ftom his own personal building. Did he really not think that would cause some suspicion?

[u/toffey4]

Smegmatron

[u/batjake]

Did anyone else cringe whenever Megan Fox screamed?

[u/Gallinago]

BIG SIN. On the turtles monitors befor the subway scenen the you see the subway but it is the subway train we have in Stockholm and not the ones in new york.

Sorry for bad english