Everything Wrong With TMNT In 14 Minutes Or Less

[Music] four turtles four brothers repetitive narration named after the Renaissance masters and free wait is this the movie or a trailer an evil born 3,000 years ago oh good evil born 3,000 years ago evil is always better when it comes from the BC are the colors gonna be like this during the whole flashback because I will go ahead and stab my eyeballs to save trouble I see this movie went to the underworld school of not giving a [ __ ] if you can tell which guys are which every 3,000 years the stars with a long every 3,000 years something will align cliche brotherhood was turned to stone man this is a very knowledgeable portal to know which people it needs to turn to stone they became a more old approach this movie's trying to set a record for the most cliches in the first five minutes the pong doubles over there 13 the mobsters released Jesus should I be taking notes ok portal and we made the guy who opened us immortal yes have we turned his best friends into stone did that okay unleash the 13 monsters and our job here is done and the monsters that were unleashed continued to plague mankind to this very day if any city that was built in the last 3,000 years doesn't look like the old arcade game rampage I'm gonna ask for my money back the animators said let's draw this guy eating an apple it'll make him look like even more of an [ __ ] I tried ripping a girl's necklace off in one clean break once the reason I did it is none of your business the point is that that necklace did not break and I got kicked in the balls yeah watch going [ __ ] character must always be an [ __ ] or the kids in the audience might forget he's a bad guy man those steep drops and jungles just show up out of nowhere all the time don't they this birds flying away cliche symbolizes all the blood that the bad guy just spilled to keep a PG rating Leonardo is lucky this truck he sent in driverless didn't hit a little kid or something how many backpacks did she murder while trying to master this trick April O'Neil's job in this movie is oddly specifically tailored to bring the plot to the Turtles movie rips off the entire gang is separated and all working regular jobs thing from the Muppets Take Manhattan also I sure hope we're not gonna spend the whole movie waiting for the four turtles to get back together haha turtle and a half costume kid gag with the trashcan but isn't your secret parking spot completely busted the first time a garbage man comes along and tries to do his job twice um cuz poop why do you do this yourself Mikey those glory days are over but why because winter sent one of the four of you to Central America I suppose you think the Nightwatch are some kind of hero how do these [ __ ] that live with him not know that he's the night watcher I don't think you can keep the Giuliani justice like this a secret in your own living quarters and there are way too many clues you into everything real estate technology pharmaceuticals hair gel I don't wear hair gel the screenwriters didn't write dialogue either I was born this highly secure museum allows cargo to be carried through with showrooms with easily tipped unsecured valuable artifacts on display also April Lim suitcase he is you let this [ __ ] carry crates through an area like this and don't expect him to mess something up TMNT steals mr. incredible from The Incredibles this immortal [ __ ] has been searching for these statues for 3,000 years but April troops is off to the Central American rainforest and finds them instantly and it's time to stumble upon Leonardo and catch up a bit my associate Casey nice to meet you Ken haha he's rich and forgets people's names immediately after being told he had come here to hurt you you'd be honored you already was there a need for stealth then couldn't you just schedule a meeting and not go through all the stress of bringing ninjas to a negotiation I have some friends coming to town that I'd like to roll out the red carpet for winters is unnecessarily vague about the friends who are coming so it'll be a surprise in the movie later you may have everyone else fooled but you haven't fooled me raft even this dumbass Casey knows Raphael is the night watcher I think Rafael's read too many spider-man comics I can't even sleep without the son of the subway rumblin over my head said no New Yorker ever Raphael is doing what the one person who bought a ticket of this movie was doing when he wants the scene reviving three thousand-year-old statues can be accomplished with the use of a thing Leo's a turtle sickle because until you can act as one you have a villain to fight this is a totally arbitrary plot device and makes a little sense Leonardo go to Central America by yourself and become a leader I'm sure the time alone will give you amazing management skills meanwhile the other three turtles will be forbidden to fight while you're gone resenting you becoming weak out of shape and out of practice until you return also again splinter demonstrates a complete and total disregard for the safety of all the people being robbed killed beaten etc while he teaches his pupils important mental lessons and the night watcher was the only guy to pick up the slack Raphael is basically beating it into Leonardo's head that he's the night watcher guy with his attitude suddenly defends a total stranger on a full third of this movie goes by before all four turtles are even in the same place at the same time good thing to hear along turtle hiatus has ended exactly as the bad guys statue reviving plan kicks into gear geez all these ninjas turn and look after the retreat hand signal if the silent hand signal is that unimportant why do it Foot Clan survives jumping off this building because assumptions Donatello staff saves him because cartoon physics thank god this is an abandoned building under construction instead of a real building in everyday use because otherwise it would have to feel conflicted about all this wanton destruction movie shoplifts the setting from the finale of Iron Monkey why did the Foot Clan bother fighting with the monster if they were just gonna tell winters that it was here and he could send his statue army after it also a movie think smashing together the Iron Man power source and the Hal 9000 will create something original these statues easily take care of the fuzzy monster which was handily defeating all four turtles at once but don't worry I'm sure our heroes will find a way to overcome this vastly superior opponent Michelangelo was the first turtle to jump into the sewers but climbs all the way back up to say this inspirational line we never see anything about these monsters that's true this is why being big about stuff like this is pretty stupid and short-sighted we made a deal karai and I expect you to almond but why did you even need to make a deal with the foot in the first place by the time the furry monsters appeared you were to walk in your statue warrior friends so what do you need the foot patrolling for you may be the eyes of the muscle this is clearly not the instructions you gave them earlier after you told them to be the eyes and ears you said greet them warmly and bring them to me all you had to do was say if you see some monsters tell me I'll take care of them the end breaking news report concerning last night's fight just happens to be coming on as soon as splinter turns on the TV it sounds like something out of science fiction splitter somehow immediately knows the news report involves the Turtles this same exact story would have been on the news the next day without them because the Foot Clan was fighting the monster before they even got there and all the science fiction stuff would have still applied I am most disappointed in you brothers weren't they all a part of the same brood isn't this splitting hairs he's older by like 30 seconds or something right save the brute vigilante junk for that night watchman Knight Leonardo had no problem remembering night watcher last night but now suddenly can't remember the name the next morning I didn't see the statue army anywhere in this fight I am confused as to who was supposed to be doing what in this movie where did this dude come from did he know that the monster was on a train and jumped down onto the speeding train when he came by monsters continue to play humanity but no humanity ever sees them hot female artifact collector is also a kung-fu expert because cartoon witnesses say the news still doesn't know anything about this story other than the holes in the floors but this is still a science fiction story that gets the Turtles in trouble meanwhile newspapers don't give a [ __ ] about that story and are still covering night watcher like it's brand-new we got bigger things to worry about that night thing criminals like what perfect timing is perfect fortunately for the human Casey this Chase takes place along a path where all the gaps between buildings are jumpable what's the monster hunting army just hanging out in the alley waiting for the bad monster to show up also how that has no one's seen a monster like this flying around New York City it's impossible and I mentioned we ran into a monster last night Flash King night that whole montage with the statue dudes capturing tons of monsters that was all in one night guys who the boss man specifically said with the muscles show up long after any muscles required basically they're the driver of the paddy wagon the foot did all the work on this capture he's just tackle the guy and take cover if you've got the time to know what's coming before time was spent on the logistics of this burp and the plot of this movie looks South American that's your department April how has she not seen this already 3,000 years ago some great warrior April just happens to know the exact myth that actually happens to be coming true right now also April's just giving us the same story we got in the opening flashback with some of the same flashback he footage as well also a movie unwittingly lays the groundwork for Dragonball Evolution story structure this has winters name written all over it when selling poisoned darts do you need to have your company name written on it would it be better not to have your name written on it fine then I quit Jesus it's the only story we know how to tell with these guys what is good curse is broken would no longer be even more when winners became immortal and his brothers turn to stone when the monster seemed to be an entirely separate by-product but now we're being told that the statute curse is tied to the monster somehow this portal must be the most random evil to hit earth ever port of the ship to open in the next 24 hours you at least it's just enough time to stop it and when the portal opens we'll lose the city to monsters within hours within days the country and within weeks the world movie unintentionally writes the entire treatment for Pacific Rim in a throwaway line of dialogue like Halley's Comet only monsters come on so wait this portal opens every 3,000 years and monsters come out every time after 4.5 billion years there should literally be millions of monsters on earth and virtually no humans know I do pick the blue flower and climb to the top of the mountain and not die while doing it discount Batman also just go to 32nd Street anywhere you'll find the disturbance somehow this is the exact same newspaper from several days ago when Casey was reading it also is that the only reason why there's a guy in here who's oblivious to the kook freaking out so they can have a joke about him also being oblivious to the night watcher walking right by and while he reads about him this is a strangest musical cue ever Black Betty an african-american work song made popular by Ram Jam in 1977 one of the 13 Monsters is basically Jack Jack I'll never understand this kind of thing in movies this guy was afraid of the little gremlin that was in the kitchen a vigilante comes in and disposes of the gremlin and now the guy's afraid of the vigilante for no reason at all other than Raphael needs to learn a lesson he decides to be spider-man for a bit you can't change the world like this God is there any reason why another vigilante can't be fighting crime in this city assuming that I want or isn't Raphael how would he be hurting the turtles in any way ah wait he didn't know that was wrath are you being serious Casey knew because the night watcher look like a giant metal turtle how did Leo miss that clue don't do this rap I'm done taking orders this entire movie is a brother's back again how does a statue army know where to be to shoot poison darts if it was the Foot Clan giving them information they know damn well that Leonardo isn't the 13th monster and wouldn't even bother reporting it to them not you MA by a monster yo no different but why if it's clear to the Stone Temple Pilots that Leonardo is not a monster surely the guy who's been living on earth for three thousand years would notice also when you resolve not to find the thirteenth monster and go with this ruse did you expect to find a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle running around to take a monster's place no law strong passionate loyal to a fault these are the merits of a great leader as well so maybe I should send you to Central America for all-important leadership training - Raph let's win or go through all his pep talk [ __ ] instead of just instantly screaming Leo got captured Nando splinter is gonna take a moment to ponder that which allows you a moment to ponder how much he looks like chester Cheetah I'll tell you what we're gonna do we're gonna rescue our brother and then we're gonna save New York City well okay then I don't need to watch it then right sounds pretty straightforward I got it on my last trip to Japan you like it yes I do oh wait she was talking to Casey wasn't she also I stole it from Emma Thurman who stole it from Bruce Lee no one who watches the skies for a living notices issue and then suddenly thousands of foot soldiers previous TMNT material aside April O'Neil is an artifact collector she doesn't fight crime she's shown no propensity for ass-kicking the whole movie but now she's helping the Turtles with her apparently world-renowned ass-kicking these Foot Clan guys they're just awful if they ever want to fight against anything if you can run on the shoulders of your enemies why did you bother fighting any of them in the first place sure was a good thing Casey was clumsy earlier so he could know about this Leo has been unconscious since his capture but he comes to just as he's rescued and is even ready to fight just a few minutes later that's what this is about mr. O'Neil penance so why did you spend the whole movie acting like a bad guy and deliberately giving vague information there's suddenly a good guy moment makes no sense with one monster still free doc curse will never be evil dude spell out the plan for all the potential good guys in attendance turtles have to learn to be a team before their big final showdown where they all fight individually everyone in New York City is like the nazgûl they don't notice all these monsters conveniently come through the exact spot where splinter can knock them back into the pool so did we win I don't know dude guess is as good as mine I gave up trying to follow this plot ages ago pesky missing final monster issue sorts itself out quite nicely this is truly the dumbest portal ever what is its purpose it randomly drops monsters everywhere for what reason and then you can just send monsters back if you have the power to do so the portal needs to reassess its life plan maybe go to Central America and learn leadership your friends just had a horrible crash though might want to check on them oh of course this didn't hurt anyone we will have further business together the kind day involves familiar faces from your past just say shredders coming back already and be done with it Jesus the effects of the portal wait until after winters tells everybody thanks before taking him up to heaven or whatever we live together we train together we fight together hey remember when Laurence Fishburne was narrating this movie back in the beginning yeah me too good times [Music] it's impossible dinette itself as my son goes through is Jay VIX I know be Petra's MOV Stratos [Music] good you're swimming in the East River the most heavily trafficked overly contaminated water way on the eastern seaboard [Music] [Applause] we are getting aggravated yes wheel

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,221,960

Keywords: tmnt review, cinemasins tmnt, everything wrong with, tmnt, cinema sins, wave jockey job, eww, ninja turtles, cinema sins tnmt, teenage mutant ninja turtles, cinemasins, everything wrong with tmnt

Id: wGsvFfEJwmc

Length: 14min 39sec (879 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 29 2014