Everything Wrong With Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker In Force Minutes

I don't know what was written when but the introduction of Emperor goddamn Palpatine in Episode nine feels like a desperate attempt to give people who hated the last Jedi a nostalgia high right off the bat who watched the first two movies and thought somehow Emperor Palpatine figures into this who is he fighting they look like kindly baby Yoda types they're all I have Java happy Ewok JA walks who are they and what do they do to piss off kylo Ren well you might care as I do but the movie does not you move on you're too old let it go nobody listen to techno now let's go in the middle of the woods of some random planet there's a star map to where Emperor Palpatine is it's called a Sith wayfinder and it may be the dumbest thing ever put in a Star Wars film I want to sit create a map to his location that's powerful this Palpatine and kylo are Kent Palpatine communicate this via the force and how did kylo know this device was on this planet wait there are ports compatible with stuff on your ship you can plug into the Sith wayfinder if I didn't need four photo plugs for this thing anyway I died the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural that is literally all the explanation this movie cares together about the return of Palpatine also it's weird that you have this technology to clone yourself and instead of being a young Palpatine you're the same old Palpatine that got thrown under the Deathstar shaft and Return of the Jedi what could you give me everything earlier in this conversation Emperor Palpatine said the first order was just the beginning I can give you so much more now he's like I'll give you everything and all this is just vague enough to ask what exactly to any of these citizens actually want not money not sex power is the main goal what do they want to use that power for if the ultimate goal is to shape the universe into an evil spiral of wickedness as the power is being used for their entertainment value like I hated King Joffrey on Game of Thrones but we knew that his power was a means to satisfy his own amusement I don't know what the hell these guys want the might of the final order will we're ready somewhere software has some buggy code and a lot of the stuff we promised at the expo of evil won't be in the final product but our launch will still go better than that Warcraft 3 remake more of the wiki playing holographic space chess that's what fresh Star Wars looks like kids the same just with the twist of lime aka the same thing meanwhile at the fortress of hasta tude are you talking about we're a handful of Thai fighters in front of you before you said that it's bad enough that this kind of force can't shoot down the Millennium Falcon but it's even worse that the movie totally forgets about what is directly in front of the heroes after one single cut it came out of hyperspace right onto Billy Idol scalp also they popped out of hyperspace in a super dangerous situation which is something I always wondered about with the original trilogy but a long ago made peace with the fact that the ship's computers calculate for possible collision and rout the hyperspace journey around any danger then this movie comes along if Lightspeed skipping is a thing then Poe one of the preeminent pilots in the galaxy wouldn't know how to do that but second off Lightspeed skipping be with me talking to Luke XI anthropomorphizing the force be with me sounds like a Michelle Branch song title from 2003 he's played this level several times before and it's obvious this is practically a speedrun this jump is far less impressive when you see that it takes two different shots of her physically jumping off the log and three cuts to make it happen Reggie Jackson I know it looks it looks like I'm making excuses don't tell me what things look like tell me what they are I love Carrie Fisher we all do but JJ's insistence on keeping her an important part of this final Skywalker film despite her untimely death ultimately hurts the story in the overall presentation of this final film he's inserted pre-existing footage shots of her a ridiculously awkward they remind me a lot of when they did that with Tony's mom and The Sopranos somehow Palpatine returned writers room reaction at JJ's big idea gets filmed and included us an actual scene in the movie never safe is here I can't read armor but he said to get there you need one of these only what the they're compasses that lead the way to exit oh so what you're telling me is that this movie is ripping off the primary MacGuffin from the Pirates of the Caribbean a compass I'm gonna pick up Nick search Mexico I'm gonna start where his trail went cold never mind that this scavenger hunt needs to be successful in 16 hours which is the time frame the movie gave for the Emperor's attack on the free world the general asked me to study the specs of old destroyers so we can stop the fleet if you find it yeah knowing the specs of the old destroyers will surely help you to destroy 18 million supposedly new destroyers ah the Knights of Ren are back nice friend see they even had to include dialogue to remind viewers who these guys were because they were absent the entire previous film also so JJ made force awakens and Ryan Johnson was like well I was good but it's a new hope all over again I want to fix Star Wars in new directions and JJ sees the last Jedi and says what Brian you threw out everything I did I'm bringing it all back damn it and Kathleen Kennedy sat at a table counting money like Gus Van Sant and Jay and Silent Bob say not now Ben I'm busy and Colin Trevorrow was over in the corner raising his hand and saying I am top assets Mattie uses the force to choke a melty cabinet member and we're just playing all the hits either people you dig that take out your masturbation assistance devices now [Applause] strange that we couldn't hear that crowd until they got around that rock she would be honored to know your family name - Oh give me a break we get it ray longs for familial connection I feel like JJ wrote the script on autopilot then ran it by a bunch of first-year film school students for a touch-up necklace snatching is so dramatic I'm surprised it didn't lead to the death of Bruce Wayne's parents so we've had this analyzed it comes from the midian system persona you analyzed a bead necklace when it gave you the exact location I'm shocked it didn't at least offer up the possibility of New Orleans play I sent you a transmission but didn't send the others a transmission to look for you why wouldn't setting up a meeting between Lando and the others beat a plan from the get-go instead ray walks around the festival gets a bead necklace plays herself when kylo reaches into the void and grabs it for analysis and gets attacked by stormtroopers all because they couldn't set up a meeting in the first place only two remain is this why Fonda I still don't know why they made these things but if they wanted Syd to be able to find this place why would they only make two this is like god only giving Moses one copy of the Ten Commandments it's Carmen who came here to find one I know I was with him luke and I were telling an old Jedi hunter no you weren't you think moody ass loner Luke decided to call Lando up to track down a Jedi hunter I'm not buying it but look I get it you wanted to put Lando in your movie you wanted the cheering and the applause I got a bad feeling about this god damn it all to hell stop Bri hitting all the beats JJ this is like having spock yell con instead of kirk how do you know how to do that why does Finn keep asking PO questions about his ability to know things about the very thing in which he is an expert excitement also did everyone forget about Bubba Fett he flew without comment he flew without net he flew long before these dudes even met and he set the flight bar that these fools just forget no one will be seated during the Mad Max fury road portion of the film Jesus it's quicksand the oldest trick in the pulse tension book just like that one Harry Potter film the real answer here ends up being to let go and allow yourself to be swallowed by the vines quicksand which is I guess excited hoot sensed it owed she never left this place so tell me again how Luke ran into a dead end when looking for this guy if he could sense him when the force tell him where this guy ended up let me put it this way if we watched a Star Wars movie where Luke was looking for this guy he'd used the force to find out that his body was in the ground underneath the quicksand wouldn't even bat an eye that he found him this movie is trying to say he just gave up after searching okie ship with Lando after falling through the quicksand into a system of caves they find the magical dagger of truth that ultimately helps Rey find her way later and I just have to say quick same ex machina am i right because Jesus how did you find it I literally fell on it I know exactly where the wayfinder is unfortunately it is written in the runic language of the sith so what my programming forbids me from translating it god damn it oh yeah that's right raynella's Parseltongue I just transferred a bit of life force energy for me to him but can you get that back somehow does it regenerate like a special mood bar and a video game so they parked her ship here and then climbed down into a trench then climbed up onto a Mesa because the Knights of Ren are cinematic they wanted a good view they could have stayed on the higher peak where their ship is that was pretty badass there was another transport in the desert it brought back a valuable prisoner I'm happy that Chewbacca isn't dead but another good ray and everybody else missed the fact that there was a second transport sitting right there next to the other transport I didn't they see the other one fly off and Ray couldn't sense Chewbacca was alive the Beast used to fly with Han Solo gives up if he used to fly with Han Solo you do know he's with the other people you're looking for right his relationship to Han Solo means about as much to this movie is the fact that Donald Gleason was an ex marketer with Oscar Isaac let's do that I know a black-market transmitter for Chewie [Music] really wish c-3po would die he hasn't been funny or fun since the original trilogy and even then he was pushing it yes because bb-8 needed a boy for him this is like playing Rainbow six rogue spear don't any of you modern Rainbow six or Ghost Recon [ __ ] even start with me about how old that reference makes me sound I'm old I don't care and I could kick your ass at a rogue spirit grenades only run right now I don't understand why everybody had to go on this mission aren't you easier to spot when you're in a crew that includes three droids we make him translate it he won't remember anything sounds good to me let's go what are we pausing to consider this for let's go Leroy Jenkins there's not you backup your memory please our two storage units are famously unreliable yeah that's all the movie has to say about that if this mission fails it was all for nothing this is just me more than 16 hours gone by at this point we sent out a call for help at the Battle of crate nobody came did you ever wonder if there was a problem with your signal or transmission and know that people didn't care gotta go now did we get it Bobby perfect timing dude Chewie what about him oh now you can sense it all so it would have been way better for the movie for the reveal that he's alive to have in here and not some boat scene with general Hawkes Oh might get you on a capital ship thank God she had this she was willing to give it to Poe even though she'd been carrying it for years waiting for a way out herself he's basically female alien helmeted Jesus and being played by Keri Russell I bow down to her search the city again she's close her guy that can steal her necklace during visions he sure is dumb about wearing how to find her even when he's close people that were just shooting to kill our heroes suddenly decide to take them prisoner this actually happens a lot in Star Wars movies but it goes largely unnoticed look I get it when kylo grabs a necklace and four steals it from one world to another I do not get it when they smash the Darth Vader pedestal and somehow the image of only his mass transports to another place I can apparently only see each other and not their surrounding so how does any of the work you you know why this is a surprise because nobody can imagine Emperor Palpatine having sex and now I have a million questions about the backstory of this whole thing that I am sure is explained in a book or comic or some the Palpatine finding out about Rey occurred after his death by the way I know he was cloned but told him he had a granddaughter while he spent his days on that distant planet if you say the force then I wasn't able to locate her and kill her while she ran around scavenging on jakku if you say one of his minions kept tabs on Palpatine son I'll call you a liar because there's no way Palpatine anybody and had a kid all I've got to say is this is entirely too much work to hide a Sith Wayfinder thing that shouldn't even exist in the first place somebody came out here wrote down some coordinates drew a picture and then said I shall construct a blade from the outline of this drawing and then engrave those coordinates in the Sith language that nobody except assistant a preparer can read why you're late I don't know I just do what the cocaine tells me ignite last night tomorrow we can't wait that long we don't have the time is it just me or is more than 16 hours gone by at this point you were first order not by choice we were conscripted as kids all of us once again this movie would have been just fine without she to the skimmer yeah I know like if she can make herself levitate why can't she just fly there interstellar wave is interstellar I'm layha that's the damn sure are you really doing this protagonist fight before the Big Finish cliche here there's another skimmer sounds about right seriously with all the stuff that Rey has to do to navigate this Death Star wreckage to get the wayfinder the people who hit it could have told people where it was and they still couldn't have found it and Rey working her way through this wreckage to find the wayfinder is the best Tomb Raider movie ever made oh so he got some Empire Strikes Back in my rise of Skywalker it's like metaphorical and stuff the only way you're good detects a call it's with me I have been through too much but this way fine or just have kylo smash it entirely deeply too much movie has been about Rey trying to find this thing now kylo smashes it as if all that happens in the movie after this can't happen without it I think yeah 100 cents with this sure yada yada though I know how the fight went from the main Emperor's chamber in the wreckage to out here on a floating piece of Jetson I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually bored with this light saber battle what do we think it's gonna actually happen here every lightsaber battle in the original trilogy seemed consequential obi-wan dying Luke losing his hand and the negotiation between good and evil itself this one yeah Ray's gonna stab kylo when Leia distracts him but he's gonna heal him immediately afterward this is a laser show play some Pink Floyd and maybe I'll pay attention why does she decide to heal him again because his death makes Leia sad cuz he had his shirt off that one time if she didn't want to hurt him kill him what was all about Yan Berger lightsaber battling for it wasn't self-defense Matt rage ocean sure took a timeout while these two had this long private moment didn't it and service and just what I thought this movie was going to avoid resorting to a blonde hologram here it is and all its glory what's remarkable is that in this world 30-plus years have gone by and there's still glitchy eyesores and all the bad guys ever want to do in these movies is blow up planets but I guess it's cool but I've seen enough exploding planets in these movies to not be moved by them anymore does that mean every ship in the fleet has planet killing weapons of this reminds me on that story by Hans Christian Andersen or two screenwriters promised the Emperor that they'll give him an imagination but then they decide not to get him one at all they just tell him it's there and everybody claims that the emperor has an imagination because they don't look stupid until a kid observes him and says but he doesn't have an imagination at all we had each other that's how one family this droid has a ton of information about exiting st. Peter on a pizza this convenient got to stop and so help me fancy Moses if you start with me on that it's the force this is just lazy writing and the Star Wars farewell tour continues coming up next Morgan's mace windu the coast of Anakin Skywalker from the original trilogy before they replaced him with Hayden Christensen and a fantastic cover band called there can be only one the name sounds app but it's not also apparently Jedi ghosts can handle physical objects now this really raises questions as to why Yoda and obi-wan couldn't help out with the cause after they died because you're a Palpatine Leia knew it - I am exhausted at what the force can and can't tell Jedi's or sits Rey had no idea she was a Palpatine but Luke and Leia knew somehow I know the force can tap into other people's thoughts and feelings but family lineage some things are stronger than blood ah you are the son of the evil Darth Vader you numbnuts cuz there's a lesson anyone in the universe needs to learn everyone knows about how you were good even though your dad was you know about fifty cents because some things are stronger than stupid dialogues like the sink counter yeah you can darken the screen and like the scene only with a blue lightsaber and this digitally young and Leia still looks pretty creepy [Music] is it just me or is more than 16 hours gone by at this point also the fans may love it that Luke finally got a chance to lift his ship out of some water after completely failing to do so in the Empire Strikes Back but I better see an army of goddamn Jedi Coast coming to fight the Emperor after this that [ __ ] qui-gon and the dude with a 3-foot net better be their lightsabers drawn well that was a quick edit but it's still the character and since they won't do the thing only to do the thing cliche are you seen these at Morita's did he just say atmo instead of atmosphere because that's up no they can't activate their shields until they lose atmosphere but why we think hitting the cannons might take night the main reactors there's anything I learned from watching the nine main Star Wars films it's that the Empire first-order didn't learn a goddamn thing over sixty year timespan sure it's great that our heroes can find my new weaknesses that help them level the playing field but it's disappointing story why's that the villains always underestimated their opponents over the course of one trilogy I get it over the course of three trilogies especially this one it's tiresome we need to put some hold on maneuvers do some real damage I must marry brandybuck here seriously suggesting a strategy of mass suicide not today today we make our last stand oh my god million of these Star Destroyers shoot have a billion ion cannons at this small resistance force and somehow it's not a huge disaster for the resistance and that signal is coming from that command ship that's our drop zone how do you know feeling they're rioting horse horse things on on top of a spaceship hey boss how big do you wanna make that face hugger throne your hatred your anger you want to kill me this is what I want I feel like in Star Wars episode 18 we'll be seeing this exact scene yet again because Star Wars never changes it'll be right after Disney hands the reins to Star Wars to kal-el Kage who will make episode 17 using motion capture on his 85 year old dad to play every single character of the movie including the werewolves this is a cool action shot but I'm still having a hard time figuring out why Finn can just kneel out in the open like this and not get shocked weak like your parents my parents were strong Jedi's cam with a look at the ships as your friends are dying routine this guy has one stick one zero this whole setup seems phony in the original trilogy we can actually see Luke getting angrier that's slipping into the dark side seemed to be a possibility even though we do wouldn't happen ray has never really seemed like the angry type the Emperor really seems to think sitting on this throne out in the Unknown Regions is super appealing enough to sell your soul okay this is probably the coolest scene in the movie but even with the diad nature how is this possible the way this has worked throughout the last couple of movies is they can talk to each other read each other's thoughts even grab things in front of them I don't even see images of things that might be around them but when did they perfect this wireless transfer of lightsabers even if this is possible wouldn't you need to work on this wouldn't require just a tad of training to do this in such a cinematically pleasing manner kylo is actually doing a better job killing the Knights of Ren than Ryan Johnson did many of did this huge fleet really get here just now just in time to hear PO giving up but Mountain time to help out before this snap was depending on you and oh snap was depending on you also how to tell these [ __ ] navigate that narrow and twisty hellscape that you have to go through to get here maybe they do think some of these dicks have been sitting here for a long time waiting for Lando to make his grand entrance Lando the upper with considerable power at his fingertips says don't let gravity decide this I'm taking a sit off because this is rad but Ruby should consider itself lucky that I'm still awake right now to even see it this is a nice pep talk from all the Jedi ghosts and it gets ray back up on her feet but what I really want at this point is for all these voices to get off their lazy asses and fight because that's the problem with showing ghost Luke grabbing a lightsaber earlier opened up the possibility of dead Jedi's coming to the fight I don't want it to happen on a larger scale now this whole movie is fanservice why can't there be ghosts of all our favorite Jedi's kicking ass at the end of this movie once again Star Wars finds a loophole dandy killed the Emperor but become evil rule they set up this impossible thing where if you kill the Emperor no matter your level of anger you become a dick like he does so in Return of the Jedi Darth Vader throws him down a shaft so Luke doesn't have to do it and this one I guess it's because the Emperor's own lightning is melting him the little arrangement of killing the emperor and becoming the emperor doesn't work anymore I see you do not I guess we'll just forget about Finn and Janna on top of the Falcon as it flies vertically away from this wreckage they have a strong foothold this kylo isn't dead scene might be more impactful if we actually knew how far he fell down this chasm of nothingness and how he even survived that kylo has never used this power before so of course on the first try he resurrects Rey from the dead what all so let me get this straight he heals her and then that zaps him of all his life and she can't heal him back because she's too weak did she act too slowly when Ray was dead why didn't she just disappear did the force know that kylo was going to bend so low up the SIF chasm to save her I guess no matter what happens anywhere you can always see the aftermath from indoors forest moon somewhere also he walks this is for you yeah Chewie now you deserve this medal after 30 plus years someone's finally giving you one not because of anything you did in this movie but because of fanservice seriously I hope it's actually chocolate now how about the reason right Skywalker this movie is pretty average the ending is great make sure you click that Bell icon but clicking the little bell icon is how you make sure you get notified every time we release a video so click it hey I think somebody just shot a torpedo and must go faster then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world and you did but somewhere along the line you changed this we can dance for a little bit and if you don't like the way I dance you can kick me how'd you find us call 45 it works every time don't you stick that knife in your leg [Music] stay alive I will find you it's just too many of but there are more of us bow on your left

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,549,272

Rating: 4.7938066 out of 5

Keywords: star wars, rise of skywalker, skywalker, rey, kylo ren, palpatine, vader, leia, han, ben solo, chewbacca, r2d2, emporer, emperor, c3po, c3p0, poe, finn, millenium falcon, x-wing, wave jockey job, everything wrong with, eww, cinemasins, star wars rise of skywalker, everything wrong with star wars rise of skywalker, eww rise of skywalker, everything wrong with rise of skywalker, eww star wars rise of skywalker, rise of skywalker review, movie review, movie, review

Id: jy02rZz7NYI

Length: 23min 33sec (1413 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Castriff]

You know that episode of Seinfeld where Bryan Cranston converts to Judaism? You have that scene where Jerry is talking about it to the Catholic priest, and the priest is like, "And that offends you as a Jew?" and Jerry responds, "No, it offends me as a comedian!"

That's how I feel about this movie. It doesn't offend me as a fan of The Last Jedi, it offends me as a writer. And I'm still not over it.

[u/ROBOT_B9]

So, in the end, was the Sequel Trilogy worth it?

[u/aresef]

Only 22 minutes? Can they really scratch the surface?

[u/snowleopard1232]

I’m just gonna say it, I don’t like that they removed sins for that “Rey who?” ending, that was a cheesy and stupid way to end the saga.

[u/JG5T0N3]

What is the song playing at 26:05? I remember it from somewhere but I can't place it and it's killing me.

[u/Coug-Ra]

”Oh, come get your spice.”

“You said that three Dunes ago” ding

[u/FaceofHoe]

This was a hilarious sins video. Also I'm not gonna watch this movie but damn it seems like it's visually really beautiful.

[u/tundrat]

About the 16 hours time limit he keeps pointing out. There's a good video about it analyzing how ridiculous that is.

HISHE showed the version of the Jedi ghosts using lightsabers against Palpatine. :p

[u/dumahim]

Saw this a while back and while none of it is confirmed, it sounds pretty plausible.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwzMDcrKcJc