Everything Wrong With Mortal Kombat In 27 Minutes Or Less

41 seconds of logos and that's way too long for a mortal kombat movie to go without showing one decapitation some of these subtitles are punctuated and some are not kind of monster doesn't punctuate their subtitles given his wife's reaction i'm guessing this declaration of love is surprising and perhaps the first time he's ever said it even though she already knew it in her heart which means he and his family are going to get crushed by a tragedy in the next few minutes please focus all your attention on the gardening spade and the four no reason rope lying on the ground behind it this will be important later don't know why there would be a rope here but we're talking about scorpion's weapons origin story god damn it villain asks the close friend family member about the whereabouts of the protagonist and expects them to answer truthfully in a movie cliche doesn't hanzo have a bunch of security or at least farmhands that can help out here we only saw sub-zero take one of these bastards out so why isn't anyone coming to their rescue during this protracted intimidation and if they were fighting subs goons outside as we're later led to believe wouldn't we hear some of that what i do next is going to be pretty awesome but an unknown force beyond these walls will not allow anyone to see it so future sub-zero kills future scorpion's wife and son inside the house and then he carried them outside to put on display i would have spent large amounts of money to see this dude hauling a giant mom and sun popsicle outside and getting their positioning just right also did he stab her by sticking his hand outside the house and then back in because she and her son were standing with their backs to the wall before the movie cut away this right here up to and including the one-on-one is the best fight of the movie by far fewest cuts best choreography and besides the cg blood spewing very few effects the problem as you might imagine is that it's only six minutes into the movie so it's all downhill from here where were all these when the attack started was the battle plan to start with four guys and then hope they'd take care of it before the rest of them attacked also this is how scorpion gets his chain a death weapon he seems like he's really good with a sword and while i know this stabby yo-yo is iconic and i'm wondering why he chose to stick with this throughout several centuries man this gardening spade cultivates your garden reshapes your garden bed and splits dudes heads open just like it promised in the brochure even more guys show up only after hanzo has killed seven of them all by himself where are these [ __ ] hiding why are they waiting to attack really could have been anyone though earlier you threatened hanzo's wife looking for this guy you were ready to fight him then and there but after you killed his wife and son you decided to let your [ __ ] henchman fight him why weren't you there waiting when he discovered his wife's sculpture how is this guy alive did his daughter cry and give him backup power like he's arnold and t2 hanzo bursts into flames raiden shows up sees the burn marks picks up the ninja gardening spade um uh figured out that it's a clue i guess finds hanzo's drawer daughter and leaves i have no clue what just happened i'm sure they'll explain it later but i probably won't be interested then reading also earth realm also also prophecies furthermore after giving us a 10-minute opening involving future scorpion and future sub-zero the movie introduces the concept of fighting tournaments as if that has anything to do with what we just saw it also mentions that a group of champions will be united by the rise of hanzo hasashi's blood whatever that means why can't prophets be clear for once do you think prophets get around in a circle for seeing the future and somebody's like a common man will rise from the ashes to become the savior and the other prophets are like you frank you're gonna have to be more specific if you're gonna go to the oracle bowl this summer give the people a good show they won't stick around either movie fails to heed this advice as the fight is shot in the shadowy gym with the available light shining in our eyes and you can't see either fighter's face when the movie cuts into the fight to show people screaming and cuts to odd angles like you paid money to be in the cheap seats holy [ __ ] the balcony's full at this place i thought this was an extremely low rent exhibition where kohl's set up to be the tomato can that bald bull easily beats why the hell is it so heavily attended hell it looks like it's even in the middle of a [ __ ] day judging how bright it is outside when jax walks in the prophecy is upon us prophecies man can we get one interdimensional war in which happens organically and isn't preordained and held at the department of mysteries also can't shang tsung wait until sub-zero gets all the way to the throne before he starts pontificating hell why do subs have to walk all the way out here at all which means we could lose the 10th tournament oh no not the 10th tournament anything but that that tournament is so special i mean it's 10. number 10 guys winning mortal kombat cannot be left to chance you saw this [ __ ] dressed just like this at every arcade back in 1992 that asshole's still on his first quarter and god damn it can i just play against the computer opponent just once there will be no tournament because there'll be no opposition left to fight so he sends sub-zero to kill all of earth's champions but wouldn't that just mean all the earth's second best would enter the tournament you can't have a contract with earth that says we'll fight you in 10 tournaments and if we win we get to invade you and then just not have the final tournament because you killed a handful of world-class fighters before it started oh sh to have a vision like this cole must have touched the one sink of sauron also hanzo makes his brief appearance in the bathroom to tell coal i am your blood and then disappear in my experience that's terrible communication one time chris briefly appeared in my swimming pool and said i am edward norton but obviously nothing came of it cole young the man that took the belt from eddie tobias if jax were going to do this expositional entrance cliche why do you wait until now when cole's clearly having a moment with his daughter he could have caught him after he cleaned up in the locker room right sub-zero decides to make all the gold instead of appearing right next to cole and stabbing him with his ice pick thingy i guess he's like pennywise and his prey tastes better if they're really scared i was sent here from outworld to this diner where i knew you'd be because of some sort of outworld tracker magic holy look at this poor bastard he took a snowball in the face and dropped like a sack of potatoes is he dead i'm pretty sure he's dead let's check again ah probably not quite sure let's see it again okay now it's starting to get sad but one more time he's totally dead damn it sz what did this [ __ ] ever do to you the ice is smashing all the glass in the diner but it's somehow foiled by jax's truck look that's that's impossible guy with an impossible dragon birthmark tells another guy that his dragon birthmark is impossible i'm not the fighter that i used to be okay but they don't have the market so like it or not call you're the guy so wait does earth have any say in who they send to defend themselves and they will kill whoever they have to to get to you that's a lot of twos in that sentence but anyway why would they need to kill anyone to get this person when they can just clearly show up outside a random diner where they happen to be jax makes a sudden unexpected turn to the right and yet there's sub-zero just standing there waiting for them you must have low-jacked jacksy's relaxy taxi you need to get to gary indiana find song you played sub-zero just waits for this entire conversation to take place instead of attacking this entire vehicle with hail daggers seriously this is just like any [ __ ] demon in a horror movie is there a reason sub-zero was [ __ ] around with jax here instead of meeting him head-on and kicking his ass his paranormal activities toby his eventual descendant hussein freeze it's a god damn arm break what if lord raiden if he discovers we're breaking rules we didn't win nine straight tournaments by following the rules really are the rules of those tournaments then and how are they not disqualified is mortal combat the competition that determines the fate of the universe is seriously governed more loosely than major league baseball seems like jax could have warned coal about how to approach sonia's domicile or radioed sonia about a potential visitor so this fight didn't need to happen jack sent me where is it sonja plays the pronoun game so that cole has to ask what the hell it means i'm surprised sonja doesn't walk in her own house punching the tables and chairs you know just in case they're spies she has all these pictures of coal everywhere but she still felt the need to fight in before asking questions the target had the same marking you do cole when jax finally took it down the dragon marking transferred directly onto his skin you just said this target took out your unit in mere seconds how the jacks get around to killing it i mean jesus do you yada yada much i've spent years trying to figure out what it all means and as you can see i've made it all the way to the big board with a bunch of news clippings level of my search impressed seems that throughout history different cultures all over the world they reference a great tournament yet somehow very few people know about this tournament despite there being nine of them over the last handful of centuries i mean seriously if raiden and the elder gods cared one wit about fairness this would be a well-known thing throughout the world and honestly it might be a better movie if the people of the earth realm knew this from birth as mortal kombat roll fatalities did you make that last part up you dude you just saw a guy who made it snow and then created an ice storm right in front of your eyes you were concerned enough to travel to gary indiana to find someone named sonia blade your incredulousness at this point is poor form i hate to interrupt you [ __ ] blondie why the [ __ ] didn't sonia say anything about kano before she started going into the history of mortal kombat remember that the out world crew has a big ass goro but to finish this process they elect to send in the discount killer croc use the flare kano does indeed use the flare however the lizard just sits there and waits while kano eventually figures it out it's fair to share if you care that they had a spare flare over there to spare nice it's a good thing cole knew she meant i'm going to run and jump so you throw it to me while i'm in midair or else he would have thrown this knife in the wrong spot this could have just as easily been at bruce willis throws a beard to matthew perry but it just goes over a shoulder moment kinda wins that sound you hear is the sound of a million simultaneous ejaculations from mk fanboys and i guess whatever happens to women from fangirls years of research just destroyed if only i hadn't kept everything i discovered on that one giant board that could easily be tarnished by fire or a roof leak or an accidental spill from my coffee mug oh by the way you'd be a sh and you're almost out of it kano was pretty awesome in this movie he's a goddamn delight 2 million killer in this show you got 2 million dollars you're gonna give that guy three million dollars no i live in this show you think i got three million dollars and yet in the very next scene here they are on the plane without sonya even having to prove she has three million dollars they even get all the way to jumping out of this plane and kano hasn't even asked about the money yet the only thing missing from this scene is no doubt just a girl i guess it's like the movie needed to prove sonja was a badass so here's this fight out of nowhere besides she can't kill kano we still need to know where raiden's temple is and he's the only one who knows finally you have come to seek out ravens tempted what do you mean finally hardly anybody knows where this is follow me and then they go in the exact opposite direction they were headed what the f i guess was lucky luke kang ran into them huh it is essential that we begin your training for the next tournament this was a pretty long walk to the temple if it's so essential to start their training why wasn't luke kang talking about it during the entire journey we don't have much time it feels like someone picked this up if they only have a couple weeks to train how is this going to go down if the people with the markings were never told to come here or if kano didn't somehow know the location by chance would mortal kombat have begun at a nashville mcdonald's since the markings have a supernatural quality you think they'd point the fighters in the right direction at least they'd know what was at stake that one you're gonna make a door up here out of nowhere i thought kano ran guns through this temple for some reason and that's why he knew where it was now that they've gotten here i don't have any idea why he would have run guns through this place and he seems to be unaware of anything related to the temple so maybe kano's knowledge was all alive so the movie could get here there are not many of us with a marking left so you must train harder and faster what does the number of fighters have to do with how fast they have to train they were picked to fight for earthrealm so they had no choice and then someone dropped the ball telling them there was a tournament which led to this time crunch which means they would have had to train harder and faster no matter what happened it has been my charge to gather all the champions of earth by the time i found jax i was too late you mean you were looking for him before he got his arms tore off by sub-zero gosh darn it you just couldn't find him until the week he got killed then using the super sleuth skills you clearly don't possess you found him in this building and then what did he do you were able to pull this dude out of that pity felon and managed to take him to a private airfield and nobody saw you carrying around an armless black man i don't believe your story lu kang also someone in the earth realm department that handles finding people on the planet to save the world needs to be fired and if that happens to be lou kang i'm game i have gathered the remaining champions of earth no you didn't you just happened to be walking around the desert and bam just happened to run into them didn't look like you were looking for liu kang this is what i have to work with it's kind of your fault dick face where's the infrastructure also a minute ago they had only two guys and one lost his arms i think getting two more people is good news what would happen if liu kang hadn't shown up with these people today would raiden yell at him can i see the parallel universe where that happens you are in no physical or mentorship to fight i've got the marking [ __ ] there's no choice the time has come to end this okay so is now the time i thought the time was when you sent sub-zero to kill coal than it was when you sent alligator loki to sonia's compound i'm just saying i'm getting a real soul eater who cried wolf vibe off shang tsung the conflict outside of mortal combat is not forbidden besides the other gods are too lazy to stop me the movie just now admitted was a stupid jam it's put itself in there aren't rules preventing them from killing people before the tournament and the gods who were meant to keep things fair are too lazy to enforce the existing rules all this lack of structure and loose interpretation of the rules has taken up 50 minutes of run time when we should have been seeing fights galore with stakes braden shoots a giant lightning bolt that somehow manages to go through rock to form this perfect barrier between he and the bad guys you think these tricks will protect you forever only a matter of time wait now is not the time god damn it someone get this quota timex it could be could be uh it could be a frisbee hat you know no offense whoever you are the name is kung lao oh good glad this guy could get such an awesome character introduction we should probably play that allen parsons project song serious whenever this dude shows up on screen your inner power comes from your arcana it's weird that you say that since my power comes from texarkana i think they might be related a fighter without a mocking can never achieve the arcana that's racist these are some sick moves and stuff but honestly i did the same ones just by mashing down all the buttons at once on the arcade game at my local fun land really pissed off the kids that had the combinations memorized what a bunch of first how do i find my arcana it must come from your soul seems like this could have been discussed before they were in the fighting pit and since we've been told they have no time not telling him earlier is malpractice there i was given a purpose stitch position upon graduation i was given the name of the man he was a pupae of rare things children orphans are children rare we had a mocking so i chose to take it from you and in that moment my gunner came forth so he was sent to kill this bad guy and once he did he got his marking but he also got his arcana at the same time yeah that's super lucky it's almost like everyone in this movie should get their arcana at the same time as their marking just so we don't have to sit through all this come on you got this jesus this part of the mortal kombat movie montage is so hard it might as well be rocky 40 annihilation my first day of training we had to run 20 miles skip terrible fighter zero skill do none of the experienced fighters especially raiden sense that kano is a bad guy and unlocking his arcana will help them like if antagonizing a racist pig by calling him names is the way it was power doesn't that signify a giant red flag it's at this point that coal is asking himself how do i work this and this is not my beautiful wife and how did i get here what you looking at probably footage of a different movie because in the one i'm watching there's no time to waste before evil [ __ ] get here and cole's not even trying to do right now and hell why isn't luke kang trying to get jax to bring out his arcana he's got the marker too it's almost like oh you have failed to find the arcana without it your liability to the others in a tournament setting why would one person's lack of skill be a liability to the others this isn't a tag team match is it your mocking comes from your lineage school lineage i'm an orphan from the south side of chicago listen when a guy who shoots lightning out of his hands and has glowing eyes and knows things he shouldn't tells you that you have a lineage don't be so goddamn incredulous about it besides what about being an orphan precludes you from having a lineage hanzo descended into the nether realm the furthest reaches of hell endlessly searching for revenge why did he go to hell why is he searching for revenge in hell why is even allowed to search for revenge in hell the great hunter netara do we seriously not have enough characters that have been introduced at this point in the movie i'm pretty sure there are fewer heroes and villains and all of the actual video game iterations combined we are the precipice of victory and taking earth realm forever but we must strike now now you hear me no not those nouns that i've mentioned over the last several days now now starting now i must find a way to bring his shield down did you see a guy down there complete [ __ ] answers to kano this guy who lives in outworld just happens to know kano who lives on earth i know outworlders can freely go to earth whenever they want probably even buy houses and play the stock market but the chances some dude from outworld knows one of the chosen fighters of earth is astronomical i don't even know how he would know that kano would be in that select group since he's only had the marking for a short time he's the reason i live in an iron lung furthermore why does outworld have a chosen fighter that was previously beaten by someone from earth just wait here what was cole's plan here he knows the baddies are hunting him so why didn't he go straight for the car instead of hanging inside for a while did he need a gatorade or something kano's laser is able to turn off raiden's electric boundary because i guess it's powered by this dragon statue i clearly haven't smoked enough weed to understand this yet shang tsung's here to ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long the undoing of the prophecy has begun maybe shang's son would win more of these fights with the new crew if he didn't announce every goddamn thing he was about to do first off why did they send goro of all the warriors to finish off the dude who flunked out of mortal kombat school second why does he start this fight by throwing him across the yard i thought the point of all this is that they're cheating so why doesn't goro have four swords in his hands and slice coal into pieces guys is it possible that the goro effects were actually better in the 1995 version of this movie from this point forward the movie will go back and forth between the fight at raiden's temple and cole's barn this back and forth will have the attention span of a flea on coke this is why you don't write a character like cole who gets kicked out of his karate classes and can't be with everyone else because now the movie's focus is split in two couldn't golden found his arcana at the temple fighting the same guy all cole has to do is pick up his daughter's locket or some [ __ ] and he can unlock the arcana both women are bad asses but have to fight each other instead of dudes cliche lots and lots of seconds of the good guys getting their asses kicked even though they'll come back later in the movie and definitely win the day because good always triumphs of this fight in a dark barn with a cgi character that gets washed out is aces man i love watching stuff in pitch darkness let's me use my imagination if i cared enough this is not the blood of the chosen one why don't you know that before you licked your sigh the movie has shown throughout that the people of outworld know exactly where the chosen ones are at any given moment you'd think that at the very least someone like shang tsung would be like sonja isn't one of them or they'd have the sense to know she wasn't we won't show you the impending gore but how do you introduce a character with batwings who's supposed to be a badass just for her to die like a chomp flawless victory cool line bro but instead of gloating you want to help the rest of your crew that are currently getting trucked by the bad batch now i tear out your spine honestly who narrates their actions like this before they do them next time i go to lunch i'm going to loudly pronounce now i eat this delicious bowl of poutine and wash it down with ice cold mr pibb cole's arcana comes from his family which no that's only ever talks about which is why he should have found his arcana way earlier than this and it shouldn't have been a problem i don't know if this concept ripped off black panther's energy absorbing suit or black panther ripped off this video game but that i'm siding with t'challa and calling this the replica wakana forever slow mo goro oh no that's swell but does cole know how to use those he's a trained mma fighter not a weapon specialist wouldn't it be better to give him steel-toed boots or iron fists or something goro no moro okay so jax gets his arcana when he tries to lift this rock off sonia blake i don't know how he was supposed to find this during battle which is how everyone else found there so i have to come to the conclusion that the power of boners just made jax's mechanical arms 10 million times stronger not only was sonja unkilled by the giant boulder that landed on top of her she barely has a scratch radon fires down these lightning portals and everybody disappears instantly except for coal which gives sub-zero a chance to knock him out of it anyway you know the old saying ice is faster than lightning gotta say i have no idea what's happening right now raiden clearly tried to portal everyone out of harm's way a minute ago but he somehow forgot liu kang and now kung lao portals into the arena to help cole can raiden make up's goddamn mind where he's portaling everyone he's about to get his soul sucked i hate it when someone has the upper hand in a fight and gets distracted by porn i also super hate that this movie decided that shang tsung can just suck a soul out of a fighter without the fighter being beaten in battle if this is the case why didn't you just do this sooner when everyone was fighting could have ended this pretty quickly samsung cannot follow us here jesus christ then why didn't you send everyone here in the first place why couldn't you say them are the gods that forbid them from engaging in one realms war against another it is my job to protect arthral but i cannot save every soul within it oh eat it braden first off what is portaling everyone away from a battle if you don't classify it as engaging and no one's asking you to save every soul within earth realm just the five people who are staying at your temple furthermore a minute ago when you shot your lightning portals everywhere you were two for five you had no idea where those lightning bolts were going it was like watching someone pee after having sex lord raiden can you send anyone anywhere i think it's pretty evident that he can't since he just [ __ ] up that very thing but now the movie is saying oh yeah he can do that even though he handled that task like a sloth blowing itself on a merry-go-round also raiden is going to portal each fighter to a place so that they can do battle which sounds like engaging in the war between the two realms which he is forbidden to do but we knew this was [ __ ] as soon as he said it also also raiden's been pretty adamant about preventing people without the special marking from fighting the outworld opponents sonya's been shunned for the entire movie because she doesn't have one and she can't achieve arcana and a fighter without arcana would weaken the team what's amazing is that the rule was total before when they were preparing for a one-on-one tournament and being a team was meaningless now when they actually do have to fight as a team raiden's okay with her fighting now give me reiko i got a score to settle how did jax ever hear that dude's name hell i barely even know his name and i got more backstory lou and i will take molina and cabal i know this is personal for you why do these two pairs of fighters get sent to the same place while each of the other fighters gets set to separate places also while luke kang may have an axe to grind he doesn't have anything personal with the two fighters cole just mentioned his beef is with shang tsung what about sub-zero nobody's taking him out one-on-one what about sub-zero it's so amazing that he becomes the ultimate boss of this movie yeah the ability to form inside of his hands is a crazy good skill but that's why all you [ __ ] found your arcana because you now have a thing just like sub-zero does we save sub-zero for last and take him out together but sub-zero also has the power to go anywhere anytime the rules of how things work in this [ __ ] movie are infuriating and i'm adding 100 cents finish it oh yeah i remember this level from the video game where you could fight in a gently used double-wide and gary indiana one of my faves even though sonya gets the upper hand after kano loses his laser and we've seen her beat the [ __ ] out of this guy before somehow kano turns the tables and starts winning the fight i know kano was a chosen earth fighter but once he switches sides to the outworld team why does sonya get the marking after killing him in some ways this makes sense i suppose but mystical markings should know better in my opinion and now the marking is totally meaningless oh luke kang just held his low kick button for three seconds then released that's all we gotta do live fellas find that special little kick button the length and girth and power of this fire snake shows that luke kang's been holding on to this one all day fatality for kung lao yes kung lao who was killed by shang song is totally avenged by killing this weeb who had nothing to do with it what's cool worried about now that molina can eat a big mouth burger from chili's with no problem like this makes her scarier but it doesn't make her any more dangerous i mean of course sub-zero is going to show up to cole's house while the rest of the bunch are out fighting and leaving him out what else is he going to do in the meantime there's only so much time you can spend playing with your ass with a homemade ice pick before it gets boring trust me finally the sashi bloodline will end still don't know why this guy has such a hard on for this bloodline and there's like 12 minutes left in the movie movie asks you to both clap and masturbate meaning you need to be goro to truly show your appreciation for this scorpion appearance get over here cool i see they have esl classes down in hell and that arbor hanzo has been really hitting the books i'm not saying sub-zero is not a badass but scorpion's beating hell to get back here so why is this even a fight he beat hell feels like you could have brought the fire away before this and made this fight easier but who am i to tell the guy who died went to hell and learned how to control fire how to do his job this [ __ ] puts his mask back on immediately after cooking sub-zero only to take it right back off to tell cole thanks for freeing me dude well i guess that's the end of that there's no way subs survived that and we'll be back for the obvious sequel that they set up at the end of this movie nope no way this franchise would retcon the death of such a beloved figure that met such an epic end at first i thought the others didn't get sent here because no one knew where cole went but now i realize that they completely abandoned their plan to take on sub-zero as a team since raiden and the others show up after the battle i am lu kane sit i will warm you i would have been pretty handy during the time you were completely frozen on ice but raiden said i hate logic and the argument ended there i thought you said you couldn't get involved and that's all the movie has to say about that remember when raiden was a fighter you could play in the game what happened to that in the movies why is raiden just a guide or referee in both the 1995 film and this one i'll assemble a new list of champions you must find them why can't you find them also why didn't you assemble a new list when everyone was getting killed all over the world why are you raiden this movie finally throws in the [ __ ] towel movie omitted johnny cage just so he could tease him for the sequel you go to hell you go to hell and you die

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,639,419

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, mortal kombat, mortal kombat 2021, mortal kombat trailer, mortal kombat movie, mortal kombat 11, mortal kombat opening scene, mortal kombat official trailer, mortal kombat fights, mortal kombat movie news, mortal kombat movie trailer, everything wrong with mortal kombat, eww mortal kombat, mortal kombat bloopers, mortal kombat outtakes, mortal kombat reaction

Id: cVMHzwVENBc

Length: 26min 52sec (1612 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 29 2021