Everything Wrong With Hercules In 17 Minutes Or Less

[Music] long ago in the faraway land of ancient greece trout and restoration also far away land sure we're talking about a long time ago but greece was one of the cultural epicenters of the world at this point so far away as relative to what you crazy gun total coot and the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty hercules roll credits we'll take it from here darling and thus begins one of the coolest ideas in this generation of disney movies where these fantastic characters turn the idea of a greek chorus on its old white head and every time i watch it i'm giddy go on and take your set off while i'm still smiling having said that the ladies go on to sing a song called the gospel truth and while it's an awesome song presented by a gospel choir that's a real counterbalance to the story of this movie which is greek mythology honey you mean these are spiritual probably immortal characters that aren't even meant to be seen but apparently they need a bucket and a mop whenever herc walks by they're singing about how the titans used to rule the earth but they haven't even ruled the afc south in over a decade she sings it was a nasty place it was a mess wherever you stepped and that just sounds like regular old childhood for me and many americans one time when i was a kid i went to the roller skating rink and they bathed the whole place in the strobe lighting for like five minutes straight i completely lost where i was and bumped into a large kid who then punched me in the kidney i fell over and couldn't get back up on the skates so i crawled on this nasty-ass rink floor getting pelted by oncoming skaters and taking a few of them out until i finally reached the outer wall and just as i awkwardly climbed on top of it ready for dismount the lights went back to normal everyone saw my clumsy ass balance precariously on this rink wall and i lost reputation points that lasted all the way up until the seventh grade anyway this strobe effect reminds me of that so [ __ ] you movie for bringing up some hideous middle school drama these gods are milling around for a goddamn cocktail party they don't have anything better to do than drinking dirty martinis they could be out walking on water or calling down a huge storm or i don't know getting a giraffe or something my point is a cocktail party would be one of the last options i would choose if i were a god hell can i even get drunk anyway tornado nipples he won't hurt himself let the kid have a little fun parenting in the 80s how sentimental it's james woods everybody and this is an all timer of a voice performance i can't condone a lot of the things he's said and done in real life but this performance itself is worthy of a set off if there's one god you don't want to get steamed up it's hades what doesn't this very movie show us that zeus and plenty of the other gods get really powerful when you piss them off this feels like a cheap excuse to make a steam heat pun stairway to hell if anything this tiny steak that all the heads have to share is gonna get them more agitated to hades this is like feeding me one quarter of an inch of bacon pain oh and panic discount inside out hades is supposed to be a pretty normal god so what's up with this hellfire and brimstone act he's not the actual satan here the three witches kill someone and her soul screams by on its way into hell thanks disney my kids were just getting over the dark sex song from hunchback too we're not supposed to reveal the future you've literally just revealed the future three times in a row before this statement the planets will alive ever so nice why are there only six planets though also prophecies first you gotta turn the little sun spot mortal cough man if you've had this ability from day one why haven't you used it on any other gods that may have posed a threat why do you even have to wait for the planets to align before you wake the titans zeus doesn't have any security patokajama he has to drink the whole potion every last drop jesus christ is this rush week at university of georgia or something is hercules pledging sigma nu his parents put his name tag on his collar why didn't they at least leave their home number on that while they were at it hades knows these two are inept so why'd he send them to do what's probably the most important mission of his career even if little herc does drink all the potion doesn't that stand the reason they'd find a way to things up anyway i have a reputation for [ __ ] up everything i touch and anytime things are looking up i'll [ __ ] it up so much you need an extra guy uh sorry herc hero was both worshiped and shunned by his peers for having heroic gifts during his adolescence here is cliche teenage rejection like this is why we never heard about jesus during this period of his life i got it this leads to hurt knocking the column down and [ __ ] up the town square but is it really his fault are these hack [ __ ] ultimate frisbee [ __ ] that's two overthrows in a row man basically superman crossed with urkel how can he be this old but this unaware of his own dumb query also he's an outcast because he's too strong and i'm just saying as a bullied person this is not super relatable nice catch jerkilys is jerkilys really the best they could come up with because he's not even remotely a jerk why not peculies for his strength or wercules to show how hard he works or berserkily is for all the mayhem he causes you keep that freak away from here i do sympathize with somebody being bullied again and for the record but the difference here is that he's being bullied for being super strong no i am not saying he should just beat them up to shut them up i'm saying they would never taunt him like this because even a single step or missed high five from him could mean death man i almost forgot this was a musical i'm sure all disney features at this time are musicals but this one could have really benefited from leaving the singing to the greek gospel chorus yeah yeah i know go the distance was nominated for an oscar but alan menken could fart into a jar for a disney soundtrack and that would be nominated also why is teenage hercules such a string bean baby herc was a beast and he obviously fills out to be huge in a few years so why does he have this bean pole era in the middle but if you found me then where did i come from look this is a frighteningly calm response to finding out your parents found you as a baby yes you would ask where you came from but that would be after roughly 45 minutes of screaming what over and over again holy [ __ ] he's still singing guys this one song has propelled him all the way to the temple of zeus and only gods can live on mount olympus man zeus sure did move the hell on from hercules didn't he did they even try to find him since he still has the strength couldn't they made an exception for the mount olympus rule couldn't they have looked for the cure for the mortality poison herc's parents did jack after their super important son went missing one night hercules if you can prove yourself a true hero on earth your godhood will be restored that seems totally sudden and arbitrary also herc adjusted to this life-changing event in record time just yesterday he was dragging his adopted dad's hay into town and here he is chatting with the god of gods then flying around on a magical winged horse and there's not a hint of hesitation oh man he's going to the same island that ray did at the end of the force awakens it doesn't end well kid luke's turned into a real [ __ ] i want to become a hero a true hero sorry kid can't help you mick and rocky yoda and empire miyagi and karate kid the ancient one and dr strange tyler durden and fight club has there ever been a trainer in a movie that offered to help a protege on the first ask then telling the story of achilles and his heel did you really have to destroy the statue you just yelled at herc for bumping into an artifact and now you're turning them to dust hold it zeus is your father right why is phil so shocked about this not only did zeus pop out a bunch of kids with hera he was well known to stick his thunderbolt all over the place so is it really so hard to believe herc was the result of royal quittus look if you don't want an egg on your head don't have him do egg related balancing while you stand directly underneath them in fact a lot of this training is dubious but the egg is on you there's no way him grinding the gears would make the sharks jump out of the water in unison next stop olympus how long have they been training her's gone from a teeny tweener to a full-grown tate donovan in seconds flat did all this exercise drop his balls that much so the very first person herc finds to rescue after leaving the island is the double agent planted by hades and she's not even here to ensnare herc but someone else you just broke the coincidence dial i like him jesus between this [ __ ] and phil's disturbing behavior with the nymphs earlier this movie started to feel like a feature version of a popular pew cartoon yeah why is hurt getting his ass beaten so badly i'm sure the centaur's strong but hercules has been training his ass off like ivan drago so he should be able to take a couple of punches this movie is all hey physics [ __ ] you i think i prefer wonder boy who wonder boy what is the secret of your power well you know how men are they think no means yes and get lost means take me i'm yours i appreciate the sassiness and self-assuredness of meg here but what was her plan for escaping the clutches of that butt munch of hercules hadn't intervened didn't seem like hades was interested in helping her out even though it was his idea to recruit the river guardian the director said let's have pegasus throw an apple at hercules head to show how much of a passive-aggressive [ __ ] pegasus really is wasn't hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to do so no one in this movie has the same name as anyone else been ages why is everyone so sure that this is the same hercules in fourth grade there were four jeremy's this might be a different holy [ __ ] even the minion agrees fortunately for the three of you we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight okay but the girl didn't oversight anything pain and panic did she was just doing her job you should not be including her in this i just had to look up what a seder is typically they're depicted as having a permanent exaggerated erection and my double mother dare disney to release the director's cut of this movie that shows danny devito walking around with a constant boner it seems like every time i turn around there's some new monster we can ever get i can need now is the plague locust every twitter conversation in 2020 i'm moving this spider you'll love it there as an old person everything moves in slow motion i'm hercules and uh i happen to be a hero i realize the introduction is awkward but the are these [ __ ] laughing at dude looks the part has a magical horse right next to him and an incendia of the gods on his belt and they were just talking about how everything was even if they were dubious this is a stupid response to a guy offering to help assault and battery how am i supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance god damn what a whiner go sit on a rooftop or check the police scanner or walk through town this whole i can't be a hero if no one will let me [ __ ] is even more annoying than in spider-man homecoming i got a fur wedgie har-har by the way shouldn't he always have a fur wedgie there should be fur all over this [ __ ] all right let's get ready to rumble how did hades know that the hydro was in this pit moreover how did no one in the town know that there was a hydra hanging out within walking distance i don't know if this is hydra stomach acid or hydro saliva but either way it feels like a treat that this stuff is harmless i know this is how hydras work but that took forever to grow back ferc really wanted he could have run a pretty good distance away and found another way to finish this [ __ ] off he's cutting off the heads again even though he just learned that cutting off one grew back three he's stupid is what i'm saying ben affleck and gone girl levels of stupid will you forget the head slicing thing phil would be the goal of cinemasins but how did he and he wasn't and those rocks didn't wait why did okay i'll just go with this works even though hades knows herc can take on the titans he keeps sending these glass joe to try and kill him all this merchandising is vaguely amusing but also very dated might as well make a reebok punk reference or find a way to work in a character saying where's the beef that would not stop a volcano you wonder if maybe i haven't been throwing the right curves at him pimping also you know it sure does take hades a long-ass time to think of using meg as a way to get at hercules like it's the last day and he's only just now realizing it and only because she said the word curves you sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life expositional convincing and thanks for the refresher jimmy but if this is the case how is meg ever able to refuse a request why would she need a reminder you know zeus is pretty popular so why is no one ever at his only temple in the area uncle frank definitely making sure you pay attention and notice that scar cameo is cameo that play that that editless thing man i thought i had problems yep nothing screams romantic first date like going to see a play where a guy kills his dad his mom and gouges out his own eyes you're telling me that one skipped rock chopped off both arms of this statue he's strong but it was a rock not a boomerang also hey there are nipples there i know it's an ancient statue and i shouldn't be pointing out the nipples like a juvenile but this is a disney movie and there are nipples nipples disney didn't make a movie in the 90s that didn't have a shooting star you're the most amazing person with weak ankles i've ever met man her sure is a dweeb a jock for sure but also a dweeb he's basically chris klein's character from election in animated form cutesy cuss baited cupid confounding characters currently courting is campy and contrived crap you'd think a girl would learn they really play up this 1940s screwball comedy heroine routine with meg's character but what's with this fatalism she's either got the inside track on a legitimate hero or she's going to be able to exploit him to win her freedom by the way it's a win what's the problem with hades going after hercules himself he's an all-powerful god and could take herk's ass out like that he doesn't even know that herc still talks to zeus for [ __ ] sake if i say i want wonder boy's head on a platter you say medium or well done this is gonna break the kid's heart phil thinks the kid will believe him about this of course phil leave before he can hear that meg is actually refusing to help hades this is like in white christmas when the housekeeper picks up the phone extension to eve drop on bob wallace's call with ed harrison and only here is the part that makes it sound like they're going to exploit the old general and put them on tv and not the part where wallace explicitly shoots it down i'm assuming that here as it did in white christmas the simple misunderstanding caused by half-assed ease dropping will lead to the central conflict of the finale phil i just had the greatest day of my life mother why does this movie have to turn into a standard rom-com at the end of course hercules is helplessly in love and of course he's gonna be told the truth about his girl and of course they're gonna argue with each other before the final act of the movie jesus pegasus is stupid for falling for this but how can two little minions like pain and panic overtake a magical winged horse that has fought in battle with and helped hercules many times she's a fraud she's been playing you for a sap he says this and a bunch of other vague instead of starting out with i literally walked her in hades talking about fooling you everyone in this movie is a big stupid goober all right yes we're there bam this deal gets done in like 45 seconds a whole movie basically hinges on her finally giving up his powers to save meg and it only takes about 45 seconds and why didn't hades think about this when he first saw herk's interaction with meg at the river doesn't he realize the power of boners is greater than the power of mount olympus also everyone knows left-handed handshakes don't count so i don't know what disney was thinking here the bifrost is acting up again heimdall are you on a smoke break again they said the first thing they'd do is go after zeus but now this night king dick is icing horses for no reason i thought he was the god of lightning but if he has to wait for some underling down below to forge the lightning bolts for him and then he just throws him isn't he just strong hades sends this incredibly important titan to kill hercules they need all the titans president accounted for so they can take olympus there are only like five or six of them total we've gotta find phil he's the only one who can talk some sense into him fine phil how the hell did meg find pegasus and i gotta say those lightning bolts are ineffective as f that was easy is the gate to greek heaven not fortified at all why even have a gate is what i'm getting at i need more thunderbolts first hurl this problems makes a lot of weird cultural references herky sack weirdly enough despite being in the correct era hercules did not attend the prometheus school of rolling away from things meg pushes herc out of the way of the falling column but it hits her as a consequence and this is like in white christmas when bob wallace was pushed out of the way falling wall debris by phil davis but phil himself took the hit from the what's happening hey haiti's deal is broken he promised i wouldn't get around technicalities people always do crazy things when they're in love they spent like two days together these disney folks always fall right into love this one even the odds how did he know slicing the one chain would make all the chains disappear why would it even the odds to release all the gods the titans already easily overpowered why won't this movie end oh i sure have given up on who has what powers and why and how i may as well be watching the final sequence of an avengers movie pegasus will now easily overpower the two minions that previously easily overpowered pegasus we did you were hilariously ineffective but i'm guessing you'll be a badass noun so the fates cut every person's thread by hand and all three of them are here at the same time they must be doing this constantly even in ancient greece [ __ ] dying all the time well i guess we've set ourselves up for a proper beauty and the beast ending all we need is a magical wind a sunrise and a former candelabra all horned up to chase a french maid true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength but by the strength of his heart you stole that from the grinch what the hell what about this situation would have this nymph all suddenly randy for phil if i were human i believe my response would be go to hell [Music] make sure you click that bell icon sellouts but clicking the little bell icon is how you make sure you get notified every time we release a video so click it sell out hercules good evening ladies and gentlemen we are tonight's entertainment puny god i'm warning you when you control the mail you control information come in and know me better man come on phil look you must complete the training everything i've got at him and it doesn't even what are those whoa is my hair out you're crazy i like you i don't want them to gain another yard you blitz all night and if they cross the line of scrimmage i'm gonna take every last one of you out me grimlock no bozo me king come on you can take this bomb this guy's a pushover

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,893,251

Rating: 4.8665214 out of 5

Keywords: cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movies, movie review, cinemasins hercules, hercules 1997, everything wrong with hercules, everything wrong with hercules 1997, mistakes, movie sins, review, hercules, hercules 1997 disney film, james woods, pegasus, hades, zero to hero, hercules disney, hercules episodes, kratos vs hercules, hercules animated, hercules go the distance, hercules songs, hercules full movie, greek mythology, god of war hercules, zeus

Id: s6Tt9WsbyYY

Length: 17min 49sec (1069 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 29 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

You could do an entirely seperate video of Everything Mythologically Wrong With Hercules. The Jason and the Argonauts joke is particularly out of place when you know that Hercules was a member of the Argonauts...

Also, this version of Hercules always seemed too scrawny to me. Steve Reeves would mop the floor with him.

[u/bshaddo]

The director said, “Let’s get James Woods to play Hades. It’ll make him sound like even more of an asshole.”

[u/Castriff]

We watched this movie in English class! It was not educational!

[u/ron0912]

I like the music more than I like the movie.

[u/Coug-Ra]

“And, thus ended the Disney Renaissance. Just kidding. That shit ended when they released ‘Pocahontas’. I mean, yeah, it kinda came back for a blip with ‘Mulan’. But, they never really got it back to that liquid cocaine level of sweetness from back in the day.” ding

[u/PhenomenalPhoenix]

I just watched Hercules yesterday! This is perfect timing!

[u/jukeboxheroine]

I feel like a lot is coming out about Jeremy’s childhood in this video and other recent ones.

You okay, dude?