Everything Wrong With The Meg In 16 Minutes Or Less

okay sure we know he was using a little gizmo to make sure the air is breathable and whatnot but this is still a name actor takes off his mask for the audience cliche meanwhile his buddies D'Angelo and Marx get the film from behind and rarely show their faces because they're going to die soon treatment all heroes in these movies need their cliffhanger moment when they totally don't rescue someone early on so that they will be extra motivated for when it's time for their comeback it's there Eminem gets destroyed at the rap battle moment with more deaths and we won't have this ridiculously contrived hatred for each other that will provide pointless verbal sparring later in the film have you done how is it that nobody knows that the submarine blew up right after they left grooving Jonah's right wouldn't the captain of this rescue boat say hey guys good call on leaving when we did that submarine blew up right after we left in case you confused it with Shanghai Costa Rica also in case there was any confusion as to what market this movie is targeting a whole minute of this helicopter taking off and landing with eleven cuts showing us different angles of the helicopter and flight I hear you get hairy palms if you do too much copter bation forget that I could give - that's what this research station is called I can actually read the big bold letters located on the [ __ ] research station and don't need the giant subtitle at the top of the screen but good to know we're 200 miles off the Chinese coast I'm sure that factors in somehow because nothing sells shoes like putting them on Rainn Wilson hyung-jin can we stop with this bulbs please a person who tries to speak another language but says something completely nonsensical and makes a fool of themselves all your base are belong to us but he just said actual words according to the subtitles so she should have understood all of it even if the order of those words didn't make any sense would you learn how to pilot a sub cut there wide a cut and here this is one goddamn sentence sorry about being triggered on something like this but damn was there something in her performance that they had to cop when if she was talking on screen did Michael Keaton rig a stage light to fall on one of the actors so he could hire it with Norton and it happened right there was the editor trying to make a scene like I was in a shark's mouth while watching this movie it could be a completely new world and what if you're wrong then you have wizard 1.3 billion dollars funny line and everything but this guy really throw a 1.3 billion dollars at a Rhys project without knowing what they were trying to do Laurie because we don't know the dates on the other side seriously they sent three people down in this vessel to go through a previously uncharted section of the water why not send something remotely to take a few pictures and samples first Origen recommend an immediate right turn three five zero could be a landslide that's how I check landslides don't make 90-degree turns Margaret Court would be amazing at cinemasins one could do that do the roamer I don't think I wanna know hey maybe it's time to go back up to the surface you know avoid the big thing that did that to the whatsit we've gone 5,000 meters 8,000 meters at some point it just becomes a number I mean it's a number that measures the depth to which at some point you'd internally combusts due to the atmospheric pressure but semantics from the helicopter we must go to Thailand good go John it's not like there's a timetable for the survival of your crew how long did they have maybe 18 hours of course Jonas Taylor is a drunk now that's the only dramatically acceptable condition to fallen hero can be it go worse than he's a heroin addict and the movies gotten too dark take away his addictions then that person isn't anguish enough about the time he killed his friends why can't these people ever be working some blue-collar job and living a normal life when they're needed again the Angela was an [ __ ] anyway you drink too much and now you're only saying that because I literally never beer in my hand you always happy in your hand you know why because I drink too much that's a conversation that happened it's Laurie your ex-wife and her crew are trapped below we live in thousand meters and we could just live with that but we wanted to wait until you told us no so we could play a garbled audio recording because we're definitely not on a timetable also I guess it's lucky for this grooc that Laurie just happens to be Jonas is ex wiping why does there always have to be a connection by the way this does nothing for the movie other than forcing Jonas to come to the rescue and Laurie basically does nothing for the rest of the movie I feel that I owe it to my crew to give this rescue of the best chance of success and that best chance is someone who is a heavy drinker that hasn't dived in five years and probably has serious psychological issues related to diving trivia there are other Jason Statham's out there we got a candlelight Oh these [ __ ] just remade deepstar six didn't they remember kids always have freshly applied makeup and a high ponytail before attempting any submersible vessel dives so my life's in your hands pretty much that a problem no delay - really no way you're dying she does oh it's because she's hard isn't it you must be the crazy guy kids I dads what the plot is and Taipei according to screenwriters every time a husband cheats on his wife and runs away with his mistress it's with the Pilates instructor it's 2018 it's time for more mistresses to be chemical engineers he's doing a black gap this [ __ ] guy that might as well I called this character dude who came from his mother's womb bitching about Jonas because that's really his only character trait sure he doesn't about-face after this mission but he ends up getting eaten by a shark so but just a minute ago Ruby Rose said he's diverted all non-essential power like heat and life-support motors when she was asked why Jonas was going so fast so if he's already diverted the power from the heaters to do that how much more power does he have left a divert I've got visual I'll get word is he more fluent okay they're alive how do you know that just by looking at the ship also we already knew this because Heller said he still had access to their vitals which is way more important than your visual confirmation of the ship on the ocean floor as big as the shark is how is it possible that no one can see it until it's right on top of them and yes yes I know the sense of being a squid but she should have seen that as well Deus Ex Meghan uh I guess the Meg just wants to wait for a moment that will serve as better dramatic timing when it attacks because it's probably been done chasing flares for at least a couple minutes I'm gonna make an argument at a point here she would be so happy she was rescued she wouldn't even care this is her ex-husband does anyone remember that she also has a screwdriver stuck in her stomach can we be like Jeffrey Pelton The Hunt for Red October and dispensed with the bowl tow she saves the others by sacrificing himself and that's pretty noble of it but my main issue here is what the [ __ ] is the shark attracted to if there are no lights and no movement slow motion Statham shower naked nobody has different definition of naked than I do you should have some clothes yep original plan nothing like a little post colleague was eaten by a shark flirting to get morale back up to speed male gaze the neck goodbye the welt in half roll credits living fossil living fossil 8 my friend technically that living fossil charged the origin and it exploded your friend but I'll forgive you because you're distraught so why am I still adding a sin I don't know so did everybody a headquarters fall asleep at the wheel when this giant 25 or so a meter shark approached it is there no radar and wouldn't this caused some sort of breach alarm I think I heard this place was built for 1.3 billion dollars so damn well should that a minute later when the evolution came up the temperature increased by 25 degrees char could come right through there this movie is telling us that the Meg could only come up through the lair if the temperature shot up by 25 degrees and a huge pop one of this movie is that Jonas encountered a large sea creature just like this five years ago and another rescue attempt but what happened back then to allow the Meg to shoot through the lair remember this is the first time the lair was ever breached that's the Megan need to get there now or call the Coast Guard it's absolutely ridiculous that these scientists plus the billionaire all go out to engage with the Meg when it should be a bunch of rescue experts like Jonas it's like the rescue effort requires all the characters we've been introduced to in the film regardless of their actual rescue experience these sharks have no fins that's because their hats are like shark fins they're clearly in no condition to be wearing hats all football soup looks like the Meg even the score the Meg for the revenge this time it's personal unfished in all this lets get yourself at least the Meg is nice enough to pop its fin up to let you know exactly where it is somehow we have to give this boat next to that make no we can't it's already proven aggressive towards boats except this one because it knows you need to come up with a plan first also it's not like the other boats we're trying to get next to the Meg either right it just attacked them so why do they think they're safe as long as they keep their distance to a prehistoric shark that ate our friend I guess you need a common man who subs in for the audience but this guy's constant bitching yelling and poorly timed humor will instantly make you forget that he's a trusted member of a scientific team it's a major disservice to his actual skills by not giving him anything except this to do the entire movie before sending out their movie wants us to believe Jason Statham can outswim a 75-foot prehistoric shark not sure if I'm sitting that over the fact that I might believe the movie I mean it's Statham this movie is so dumb also why did the shark stop pursuing the boat it's definitely as fast as this boat and it clearly has a hatred for boats what an [ __ ] this thickness it would take 20,000 pounds per square inch are we talking about breaking that's eight to nine hundred thousand yeah but the Megalodon is a shark that they know very little about it's a shark that can apparently break a whale in half it left noticeable bite marks in their headquarters glass like Joe Piscopo is gun and Johnny dangerously it shoots through schools and while it does prove impossible for even the shark to break the cage how the [ __ ] do you really know until you studied it hundreds of shuck dice I like this and she knows this right I get that soo-eun is a badass but this whole time she's I feel like they're just going up against the tiger shark I'm not a big [ __ ] prehistoric one can't figure out why at this point they are surprised by anything other than the fact that they're all terrible and unqualified for their jobs and stupid ridiculous shark movie decides not to go full ridiculous and give us an entire scene with suyin trapped in the shark's belly while inside the indestructible cage now he can't get the scene where Jonas comes up with a plan to jump into the shark's mouth and MacGyver some contraption that will cause it to go full on Linda Blair and shoot Suey into safety and we would have seen the [ __ ] out of that but it would have been fun also aren't these people highly qualified scientists you mean I had no idea that the shark could have swallowed the cage you know how huge this [ __ ] thing was and this was the day Jonas his hand was shredded into a million pieces from the cable oh but he's still getting dragged along that makes sense get the out of the water Savior thank you for later Louie goes through a lot of trouble to trick you into thinking soo-eun is dead when she's this movie's only viable future wife for Jonas remember the bite marks nope and Jonas shouldn't either unless I missed his bit about getting a degree in shirk dentistry you can use this as your date in that big speaking of Toshi wasn't he this guy's best friend I understand they just cheated death and beat the shark this guy's acting like he's gotten to the it's fun to joke about silly phase of his grieving process already and this guy's totally dead by the way in all of my time watching movies I haven't seen a guy this swallowed by a shark before actually getting swallowed by a shark also looks like this movie is going with the same plot mechanism is Jaws they caught a huge shark but not de shark and Richard Dreyfuss will be here to show us the Louisiana license plates it also also there's another med fine but how did it know exactly where the baby meg was look I'm all for comic relief but this comes just after their friend was swallowed whole and the shark is still out there it's like the Meg appreciates levity and allows everyone to get some humor in before all the killing I'll remove 100 sins if it turns out that John wakes up with amnesia and discovers he was trained by Treadstone okay you're a good person man everybody in this movie is a sacrifice hole work Toshi su-eun and now Heller it's as if nobody wants to save themselves in this thing also after this I guess the shark has done eating Jax doesn't swim back until after Heller is eaten so his sacrifice could have amounted to absolutely nothing good thing these vibrations don't attract the Meg that was literally right by them second seriously what comes down to it John's life will be remembered for the peace treaty he brokered between apples and oranges sometimes things happen then change your life forever ruby has time for this it's not just about the once looks great I came here to celebrate with you I'd remove every sin we've given this movie if a shirt came out of nowhere to eat Rainn Wilson right now just like the one did 2 samuel l.jackson a deep blue sea not the meg but the exact same shark that ate samuel l.jackson and people who see every person that gets maimed or killed by that thing is a potential lawsuit a potential casualty even if I were to buy that which I'm not sure I do especially with this being international waters and all then why didn't they actually contact the Chinese government and make it their problem like he said he did a few minutes ago this is possibly the worst moment of my life worse than Expendables 3 home front or the fate of the Furious yes yeah it probably is I think we killed a whale it's right below us one of the chances a whale would just be swinging around in the exact spot that the Meg was swimming also wouldn't that whale either a have gotten the hell out of Dodge as soon as it knew it was swimming with that thing or be already been killed by the Meg yes Norris never Coolidge didn't call anyone was he thinking I wanted to make this go as quietly as possible yeah but do you know he died do you know he went out to bomb the shirt oh you're telling us is that he didn't call him yeah what a dick but there's absolutely no indication they were told what he tried to do and whether he died doing it it might be a silly thing to nitpick but several times in this movie we don't know if the characters understand certain things and it removes context from their actions shiny black what's that oh nothing it only has some of the most densely populated beaches in the world I guess the Meg enjoys the chapter on beaches in the Old Farmer's Almanac just like the rest of us Peter starts shot sounds goddamn Frank or okay but hear me out maybe don't tell the authorities it's a prehistoric shark maybe just tell them a very large man-eating shark is out there and try not to bring up prehistory or Halla notes during the conversation lion the unholy [ __ ] of off kingdom is soohyun's daughter coming along for the ride she doesn't even do anything stupid that saves the day how long until the shock is to those people 20 minutes I'm not saying they couldn't get all this set up and to where they need to be in under 20 minutes but I'm saying there's no way they could get all this set up and where they need to be in under 20 minutes this dog jumps into the ocean God knows why he doesn't even join the party of swimmers and paddles way the [ __ ] out of the water for some reason I'm guessing to finally be free of its owner also dog is in trouble in a disaster movie cliche pipin survives this look I'm not saying it's impossible that everybody would be using swim rings when they swim in the ocean and maybe it's a law in this country or something I don't know but how can you enjoy the water with this kind of ring traffic not sure how old this kid is supposed to be but I'm guessing he's over this popsicle is going to taste like when it gets salt water on it years old I've got this theory that movies like jaws and the meg were created as revenge fantasies for people who never got to go on vacation because seriously this guy look I'm just saying I'd be gone like I wouldn't rely on the others to tell me it's gone I just never get into that water again ever but these people now why ruin a perfectly good afternoon simply because of a shark scare this movie's never really figured out what the mag really is attracted to like at first it was lights then it was boats it was wild movement in the water like every other concurring in the world and now he's bypassing all the free food to attack the boy in the plastic bubble it's all [ __ ] what you mean aside from the mass deaths that just occurred it's safe to go back in the water I feel like it might be a faux pas to say it's okay after 35 people just got eaten by a shark like it might be the two soonest too soon ever too soon why is this perfectly aligned grouping of people on floats till this far out the Sharks give up on the easy kill just to go after the wheels that are making noise either way this is whale sounds volume 2 ex machina [Music] kids did the mick can perform a sneak attack on jonas because it looked like the meg performed a sneak attack on jonas i'm ready to fire take the shot are you telling me that the scientific research team was given underwater vessels with missile firing capabilities doing this you ugly busted car won't start in a horror movie cliche reason number many why you shouldn't have brought this girl on the boat this works ah the magic of movies will never question how an expert of deep-sea diving rescues manages to make all the right moves in this unique situation scaping his damaged underwater vessel finding a way to ride along with a vicious shark while it rips into it and getting the perfect amount of time to aim at and stab the Meg in the eye to win the day and live to tell about it also going into the movie you think there's no way that will actually give us Jason Statham by himself in the water going toe-to-toe with a shark and then they give us exactly that while I give the movie credit for this David vs Goliath moment doesn't make it any less stupid so my hands are tied sure this is an ex machina but I'm wondering how su Yin managed to locate Jonas in the middle of this feeding frenzy and target one shark out of the hundreds to savor they couldn't even see the Meg itself under the water a few minutes ago wait they were saved by the Love Boat why are they even still out here didn't they supposedly see it eat the dog did the shark just pass up on the boat after the attempt on the dog how long can a dog swim in the ocean after we last saw him thirteen minutes have gone by an actual time the events that took place after this definitely took more time than 13 minutes so can dogs swim for that long the fact that they ever put this dog in danger in the first place this movie for that but that it survived double this movie we're gonna [ __ ] later coffee puns also though I've got two words for your movie and the first one also starts with that are those shirts with laser beams attached to their heads what have you done but if my brothers don't shake hands brothers gotta welcome to the old level I might be showing her my Oh face we're good to go we're not gonna make it if I could eat you know feel really bad I'm hiding you're gonna damn it oh now wait a minute I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today you didn't hear me when I said very important this morning what good are you do you have a brain do you want to keep this job you work literally in the middle of the ocean you think serious black actors my age can just to throw away jobs it's all a business now they got us you're doing Pinter off-broadway besides I like the cold thirty years later I get a postcard I have a son

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 12,937,712

Keywords: the meg, meg, cinemasins, cinema sins, review, movie, everything wrong with, mistakes, wave jockey job, shark, eww, statham

Id: 39o2ENvD5wE

Length: 17min 9sec (1029 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 27 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Rhyfel]

You know what a better name for this movie would be?

The Megalodon. Seriously.

[u/SailorSaturn79]

"Why in the unholy fuck of all fucking fuckdom is Suyin's daughter coming along for the ride? She doesn't even do anything stupid that saves the day."

​

hahahahhahahaa

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This could have been the next Deep Blue Sea in terms of "so bad it's good" factor but it couldn't even deliver on that. That's sad.

[u/Torrrs]

Honestly, I don't care how dumb it was, but Statham going toe to toe with Meg deserved sin off

[u/SailorSaturn79]

ALSO, this is at least the second time you all have been #1 on trending!

[u/_Bloody_awkward]

Why nobody's asking how the megalodon survived in the mariana trench for 5 years (or even decades for sure) without air? It sure can't go up to the surface because of the cloud something (i forgot what its called).

Or was it mentioned in this video? I listened to the whole damn video, maybe.. I just missed it.

[u/Dr_Midnight]

Nothing for when he swam to the Megalodon while singing "Just keep swimming"?