Everything Wrong With The Hunchback of Notre Dame in 15 Minutes or Less

[Music] movie opens on 14 seconds of black screen like a dick pretending this is a w whatever letter this is is connected at the top and has four vertical strokes this is clearly a lowercase q in flag granted with a lowercase a and i will hear no different starting your movie with a drone shot through the clouds cliche i mean it's impressive drone work to be sure but it's still a cliche i appreciate this dramatic opening showing the cathedral at notre dame reaching above the clouds but not that tall people if it's reaching through the clouds this much then there's a dense fog all the way down to the sidewalk and people are getting hit by cars and walking into building facades and it's [ __ ] pandemonium nice opening image is this a lamp store a boot store or a crown store signage is important people looks like disney's dipping into the singing narrator introduces your story from his traveling cartwell again after its success with aladdin but at least they waited a whole four years to do it do these guys not know how babies work judge claude frollo good thing you said the villain's name out loud forced exposition guy movie kyrie liaison throughout but never once has the sense to mr mister and that's all the explanation we will get as to how she eluded six armed guards while carrying a child in her arms also this woman racing to find a safe place for her baby in the midst of her country's upheaval is super moses like a baby [Music] a monster that's racist this is an unholy demon i'm sending it back to hell where it belongs hyperbole also i might as well go ahead and add a sin for how ridiculously over the top frollo is in this thing we're five minutes in and he's already ready to partake in some baby drowning kids movies are the freaking best these are the judgiest sculptures to have ever been sculpted hey pierre could you do some sculptures for the front of the cathedral sure can you make sure every one of them rain condemnation with their gaze to a very specific spot on the cathedral stairs you got a boss there's no way these pigeons wouldn't have scattered at that landing sure they'd get brave if you're feeding them but if you make a sudden movement those sky rats be gone will today be the day are you ready to fly pushy parents pour the wine and cut the cheese gregarious gargoyle gabs glibly about gastrointestinal gas while gasping for grapes great guardian it is a treat to watch the colorful pageantry of the simple peasant folk this is what disney parks bosses say every day is they watch people pour in snot blocking are the talking gargoyles ever explained it's not like there was a spell cast by a witch somewhere to turn statues into friendly tower dwelling folks this movie is mostly magic free except for these [ __ ] stone gargoyles oh he lives in an attic he's made a miniature town he's an outcast just wants to be part of the world honestly 30 of all animated disney flicks are about an outcast who wants to be part of the world the rest are princesses that want to be normal and people stuck in a rut that need a jump starting adventure literally all animated disney movies fit into one of those three categories the pigeons remaining on the gargoyle's shoulder after they all go inside his commitment to a bit but again completely misunderstands pigeon behavior the monk pop quiz playing dunk the monk refers to a what steve wiebe told his family he was doing every time he went to the garage to practice his donkey kong b the new nba cares monastery outreach c a spicy albanian cola drink or d my college girlfriend's last entry at the end of every one of our friday night itineraries yes sneak out and yes sneak back in it continues to baffle me to this day why disney tried to happify what is at best a [ __ ] dark ass story dear boy whomever are you talking to his annoying sidekick statues suffer from the toy story conundrum if they truly are as active and loud as they appear to be there is no way he would not have heard or seen them on his way in here he sings you are deformed and you are ugly and makes quasimodo repeat him and what benefit is frollo getting here he has someone to ring the bells he only kept quasimodo as a baby because he thought he might be useful to him and here he's up in the tower singing a convincing song about why quasimodo should never leave the tower but what is frollo getting out of it he then sings be faithful to me and be grateful to me and this movie is making me distrust religious leaders this is your sanctuary things you say to prisoners who don't know they are in a prison yep i was right he is literally now singing a song about wanting to be part of the world he is not currently allowed to be part of disney is lazy all man most of this song is about all these rear windows spying on from his tower quasi just said he can see them through the roofs and gables which means he spends his days window gazing and down blousing and honestly quasi how's the peeping quasiquazi quasi aside from the unlikeliness of pulling off this move where is this water even coming from it appears to be some sort of eaves for channeling water off the roof but has it been raining at all this entire morning movie does not explain quasimodo's monkey-like fearlessness when climbing tall skinny spires also he sings just one day and i swear i'll be content and i had a roommate that said that once about his favorite porn star and yada yada yada he's in jail now ah classic love at first sight cliche it happens a lot in disney movies in reality she might be a needle junkie with no teeth and a history of arrests but he doesn't care because he already fell in love with her gypsies don't earn money i kind of feel sorry for this movie because the bad guys all have to be cartoonishly evil like the gypsies aren't getting in your way who hates gypsies i saw a whole tv series about gypsy weddings and that was hilarious also this movie keeps calling them gypsies but modern society tells me this word is offensive and they should be called romani so in the interest of fairness i shall henceforth stop calling them gypsies and instead refer to them as romani and yet for all my success they have thrived for the sake of making this metaphor work movie wants us to believe that hidden under a single stone many stories up with no sign of food an entire colony of ants is hanging up that is actually not how you get ants because this is a movie quasimodo immediately finds himself in the middle of everything because of course he does by the way great mask this is the single most hurtful thing said in the history of cinema look at that disgusting display yes sir sexuality shaming and objectification it's the rear both ends of the spectrum sin add them both here's where the movie really leans into its feminist ideals she danced sexy and literally used a pole to swing on and then when she finished everyone threw money at her so how is this festival not just a glorified strip club demi pulls the reverse springsteen here by pulling quasi onto the stage but how there's a lot of man to pull up there especially if he's unwilling i know he's enamored with her but he's also smart enough to know this is a stage does he think no one will see him because he'll be dancing in the dark his face doesn't come off and the crowd realizes it's not a mask and they are horrified and i get that he's not traditionally beautiful but he's also not that ugly it's not like he's the only ugly person in paris everyone here has seen plenty of ugly people before it's the bell ringer from notre dame how would anyone know this he rings that bell from way up there and this is his first time venturing out this [ __ ] yelling is a narc spy who out here in the topsy-turvy day crowd is carrying around squishy tomatoes in case they don't like the ugly person elected king does everyone go to the topsy-turvy festival with fresh tomatoes in their pocket jesus christ they should call this the tomato festival where are you going back the monster's beginning geez this crowd went from being oblivious to shocked to full celebration and then to evil tormentors within the span of two minutes is terence fletcher around because that is some serious whiplash and all the tomato throwers also conveniently brought news lassos having been in a huge crowd multiple times there's no way this huge crowd would be this silent even if they were shocked by esmerelda's approach to quasimodo we threw coins at you when you dance sexily but your humanity we will observe quietly for no cost she used magic transporting us floating dust a second ago so why she just running away now instead of doing the dust some more gotta stay one jump ahead of the bread line i'm free i'm free dang it considering you're in a church i'd almost forgive the over-candling but also forgiveness also hey father what's my job today ready the sacred wine prepare the holy text you're on candle duty today kid that's hitting a little below the belt don't you think no this is telegraphing your nut shots didn't know you had a kid what no one saw that the goat definitely saw that you sniff assault her name's esmeralda not esmersemelda who the [ __ ] wrote this it's terrible that's awful i demand to know who the hell wrote that you did i don't believe you holy sh people have been in here praying this whole time oh [ __ ] it was around a corner this is a massive stone structure and everything from the last five minutes would have been heard by all the praying people now she's singing there are people praying lady and quasimodo definitely heard her singing and came to investigate so again there are people trying to pray right now that is a very convenient amount of stained glass illuminating sunshine right there considering that literally three minutes ago when she looked outside it was [ __ ] pouring rain kids see when i do it it's funny now that the gargoyles are interacting with each other out of quasimodo's presence i have to believe they are real and magic and just choose to only talk and interact with the bell ringer and no other humans ever which is stupid climb down sure you carry him i carry you okay that's all the convincing it took for her to be willing to climb down the face of the notre dame cathedral but the soldiers and frollo i'll come after sunset but it's after sunset now and you're having to dodge the guards so just remember when you wear this woven band you hold the city in your hand i really have no reason to speak in riddles since i trust you but we need a big reveal for the audience later so i'm going full indiana jones with this i can't play it but i'm going to be real with you because you deserve it the music in this movie sucks it may be even worse than phantom casual bestiality so he's quasimodo's master but lives across town quasi basically has zero supervision there this is confusing to me i don't ask for much but i'd love to have been at the story meeting when they revealed this film would have a song entirely about the existential crisis of lust and repressed sexuality in which robe figures chant mia culpa before the vocalist requests his tempting siren taste the fires of hell if he can't have her i'm sure it ended with you know for kids also this song is without question the horniest song in animated disney history at least if you don't count the colors of the wind and no one does and sure many disney songs have obvious sexual innuendo in their titles bear necessities go the distance be prepared do you want to build a snowman none of them are as horny as this hellfire song he sings this burning desire is turning me to sin because he legitimately thinks he's an otherwise sinless person it's almost cute he offers them silver to turn over esmerelda and then when they don't he arrests them why even start with the bribe that's good money man put that back in your pocket and just threaten them with the rest from the jump well that emulated quickly also frollo has gone from arresting people who don't give him esmerelda to attempted murdering them and that's a pretty big [ __ ] step man frollo yells get him and don't hit my horse and they somehow do despite launching approximately 173 arrows in 10 seconds they do this is the end i thought i was the cute one no you're the fat stupid one with the big mouth these gargoyles are perhaps the most annoying disney sidekicks to ever kick sides and they are about to sing a terrible song with suddenly appearing props and believe me when i say with utmost sincerity skip gallows humor i was okay with a deck of cards earlier but where did the full casino table with raked chips come from a second ago dude used curled wood shavings as hair but now who needs to use things around them when we can blink like genie and have whatever props we want this part here where they sing and cuz you're shaped like a croissant is no question of she's gotta love a guy like you and i could go after the casual meanness of calling him croissant shape but instead i'll send how [ __ ] awkward and shoehorned this line even is and it doesn't even make sense no one is gonna love a person solely because they are shaped like a pastry product they are burning the city to the ground looking for her but she and a huge guy and a wounded guy just waltz right up to the cathedral go inside to the secret staircase and climb all the way up to the tower without being seen i don't understand why is she kissing him he's not shaped like a bagel or a muffin what it's the city what are you talking about it's a map right but a pretty awful one even if you assume it's to scale at best you have a general area to look at and now that i look at it it's nowhere near where the clitoris is so wait what were we talking about again i realized they might not know they're being followed by ferolo but one of them could at least turn around and look behind them now and then so do these discount cobra kinds just hang out here in full gear just in case someone finds the already secret entrance and if you're really trying to blend in why put a hat on your costume i realize they think these two are spies but they're going to hang them without his help i would never have found my way here nor would i timing also they're prepared enough to have half the community constantly in skeleton gear and waiting with a full musical number at the ready but then they don't leave anyone behind to stand guard during the immediate public hangings there'll be a little bonfire in the square tomorrow and you're all invited to attend he then tells the guards to take quasi away and it cuts directly to the bonfire in the square the next day just jumps over 24 hole hours why even have him say the word tomorrow why not just make the bonfire immediately after the arrests in the catacombs we're over an hour into this and i have yet to see touchdown jesus or anyone lose a bowl game so i'm not sure movie knows how to notre dame correctly the sentence death little known fact this movie holds the guinness world record for most consecutive execution scenes in a family film and they don't just hand those things out willy-nilly you know quasimodo in his final form do you see and now for the tale of the conveniently available and magically lengthening rope starts here with four or five loops totaling at most about 25 feet he then uses a good 10 feet of it to miraculously secure it to the gargoyle's head before descending down another 40 feet he's certainly out of rope now since there is barely another 5 feet or so below his grip but good news he will not only somehow descend at least another 20 feet he will do it while swinging another 50 feet out over the crowd oh and we're not done after he lets it go instead of the rope immediately retreating and hanging by the side of the building it somehow just hangs around in the air for a full eight seconds before he re-grabs it then somehow momentums his way all the way back off the side of the cathedral look i'm sorry sometimes this works just isn't enough [Applause] man i would remove all the sins from every movie ever if he threw over the balcony right now like a wrestling move [Music] now the gargoyles are commanding an army of pigeons to attack the soldiers and did this movie go 80 percent of the way and then drop acid or [ __ ] what good thing it just happened to be bell making night at the cathedral with a piping hot bowl of molten metal at the ready is it just me or our lava waterfall capability is an odd thing to build into a church also how big was that bowl no i mean the one that i must have smoked to think any of this makes the slightest bit of sense also this is likely to kill more innocent people than soldiers and i'm beginning to think quasi is exactly the monster the movie tried so hard to convince me he wasn't well they sure did clean up that tunnel lava pretty quick didn't they the end of this movie is just flat out dom you do realize that right i mean the little girl can touch the monster's face all she wants but what they've just shown is one of the most insanely idiotic things i've ever seen at no point in this rambling incoherent ending was it even close to anything that could be considered a rational resolution everyone here is now dumber for having seen it i awarded 15 sins and may god have mercy on its soul did you know that we create monthly exclusive videos for our city club members bonus outtakes i don't know peter meth is a hell of a drug extra sins videos strange things are afoot at the circle k and even member chosen sin commentaries i love this i love this this kind of of a sin because it's just it's so silly pick our next video and see the exclusives at patreon.com cinemasins or click the link in the description below spiderman is not a parade you do not need to stop traffic for spiders murdered by a ball the great big hairy hoe suck oh man i thought he'd never leave i'll be spitting feathers for a week well that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open oh yeah well the jerk start called they're running out of you tell him to hit me with his best shot hey are you all right yes lucinda garcia is it about time though uh no just a second i was rehearsing permit me i'm uh harvey manfrin jensen i'm uh the cia and you are would you like to see more would you like to know more it's the city what are you talking about it's a i'm the map i'm the map i'm the map i'm the man the prisoner esmeralda has been found guilty of the crime of witchcraft i'm your wife choose me or the fire so you're telling me there's a chance he might be okay

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 799,062

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, cinemasins disney, hunchback of notre dame, hunchback of notre dame movie, hunchback of notre dame review, everything wrong with hunchback of notre dame, everything wrong with hunchback of notre dame movie, hunchback, cinemasins hunchback of notre dame, cinemasins disney movies, disney movies, everything wrong with disney, eww disney

Id: z7oHoQ7xa-g

Length: 16min 12sec (972 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 04 2021