Comedians on AMERICANS (Part 1/2)

and of course the country is founded on the double standard that's our history we were founded on a very basic double standard this country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free am i right a group of slave owners who wanted to be free so they killed a lot of white english people in order to continue owning their black african people so they could wipe out the rest of the red indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown mexican people giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow japanese people you know what the motto you know what the motto of this country ought to be you give us a color we'll wipe it out we got it so anyway about 80 years after the constitution is ratified 80 years later the slaves are freed not so you'd really notice it of course just sort of on paper and that was of course during the civil war now there's another phrase i dearly love that is a true oxymoron if i've ever heard one civil war do you think any country could really have a civil war say pardon me i'm awfully sorry the thing about americans that i've thought about the language is that they speak they say they speak english but they've had to change it to make them understand it more go with me on this because i've thought it through they've changed some of the words so they've taken the english language but they've looked at some of it and they thought no no i think we need a little bit more explanation here okay that's my american accent so things like pavement so they can't work work with pavement so they've changed it to sidewalk they needed more information they needed to know where they were going to be walking so that they wouldn't get run over so that's i didn't think of that pavement sidewalks i think there must be a period of time where they ran with the word pavement but they kept getting hit by cars so they changed it to sidewalk now bear with me here john because i've thought this through bin the word for bin in american waste paper basket they needed to know what not only what to put in it they needed to know that not only it was paper but waste paper and then it goes into a basket it's not just any paper they kept throwing away fresh paper for a period before they introduced the word waste paper it's like they need instructions glasses for your eyes they call them eyeglasses they need them to know where to put them on their face because they used to have glasses and they would put them on their thighs and they would put them on their feet and they would say i can't see any better with their glasses and then somebody went no there are glasses well why didn't you call them eyeglasses there's a game called squash have you heard of it yes not in america racquetball they needed it's a twister they needed to know what they were going to be playing with a racquetball and even then they get confused because there's no court they don't know where to go they just wander through the street going i want to play a rocket bowl i want to play a rapper so they're probably gonna have to change that but my favorite one without a shadow of a doubt is horse riding do you know what horse riding is in america is it not called horse fighting no horseback riding they because there was a period of time when they didn't call it where did they go they had they used to hold onto the tail are you sure this is how they ride the horses in europe that's a whole different thing you're doing there anybody who's watching the show who may have been flicking the channels [Music] it is great to be here in america the greatest country in the world if you haven't traveled a lot do we have to constantly scream we're number one it's always the people who live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest people in kansas who's the greatest country in the world it's like do you guys have internet there you ever seen a photo of fiji i've never been to fiji but i've seen photos it looks pretty amazing it's hard to think we're better than that we're top ten maybe if we started screaming that every day maybe terrace would stop trying to saw our heads off we're top ten and they'd be like that's fair it was that number one stuff that was getting old america's basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up like it's been 22 days since our last horrible thing and i was like oop all right rip it down we're back at zero again these things just keep happening you know whether it's ferguson or baltimore i can solve racist cops that's an easy fix but nobody comes to me for the answers you want to get rid of that forever how about this only black people should be allowed to be cops boom problem solved [Applause] and if any of you have issue with this it's because you're racist what about white people white people can be firefighters we're more outdoorsy it makes sense the unemployment rate in our country is around six and a half percent i'm told that's pretty good i could care less i wish a president would have the balls to say what i'm about to ten percent of americans don't deserve jobs good night like that's a number i can get my head around of course there's exceptions to that that's not who we're talking about but if you don't think 10 of americans are lazy pieces of shit then you have never traveled anywhere because the number that blows me away is that over 90 of americans have jobs who the fuck is hiring you morons because i wouldn't the sense of entitlement everyone thinks they deserve more than they have no one's content young kids i won't even talk to them anymore because you parents have done just a bang-up job if i meet one more kid and ask him what he wants to do when he gets older and he replies i'll be famous like you i'm going to kick him in his teeth you're never going to be famous never you have no chance i didn't get here because i work hard i have a gift from god [Applause] everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame buddy excuse me that's an average yeah that's zero for you you you you zero zero zero zero zero 20 years zero zero zero zero zero everybody gets 15 minutes you know andy warhol was on drugs when he said that right he didn't think he'd be quoted for the rest of eternity let alone taken seriously as an artist you ever go into like a cute local cafe and an artist has their work for sale on the walls has anybody ever not walked up looked at the price and gone who the fuck do they think they are just once i'd like to walk into somebody's home and be like wow that is a beautiful piece where did you get it you're like oh funny story i was getting a spinach wrap the other day for lunch and i had 750 burning a hole in my pocket and i was like hey guys unbolt this from your urinal and get it into my living room you know the unemployment rate in china is neither do i because i'm american i'm fucking stupid it's got to be low right those people get up at three in the morning to practice the violin for four and a half hours then they work on math for 12 hours and whatever's left they're ninjas if you think for one second we will ever catch up with them you are out of your mind just sit at home and be patient until they take over and quite frankly they deserve our country i go shit china's here do we take off our shoes how does this work mexicans y'all don't know how good y'all got it you know even though they got all this shit they fucking with mexicans now with this daca shit and all this and they fucking with really the bank brain drain that comes from india and other motherfucking nations that got a better education system come over here to get educated and run these motherfucking companies nigga they fucking with the mexicans nigga for some fucking reason i'm here to tell you nigga um mexicans y'all don't know how good you got it see when white people fuck with y'all mexico right next door yeah you can walk home nigga if africa was that close now you get what the fuck i'm talking about nigga that first whip get children we are walking home give the children woman we're getting out of this motherfucker who do you think you are hitting me you son of a bitch i do not work for free you motherfucker my name is not tyrone it is not motherfucking leroy it is shocker fuck you get that woman let's go we are walking out this bitch it'd be a mass exodus and then white people you would finally have your dream and all white america confederate flags everywhere not a nigga in sight this country wouldn't be shit there would be no open brain surgery we did that there would be no open heart surgery we did that there would be no street lights that's why they red yellow and green jamaican flag if somebody white did it it'd be red white and blue you go on the blue music wouldn't be shit there would be no blues for a far progression there would be no rock and roll we created that motherfucking extension of the blues that's right white folks we're taking our shit back you better go to chuck berry great and find out who did this shit there would be no r b there would be no funk there would be no jazz there would be no bebop turned into hip hop non-stop motherfucking going around the clock nigga until you drop there would be no gospel worth listening to all that being left nigga is twine twine twine twine flying twine she ran away my favorite dog i don't know where foley fuckers go niggas suicide rate would go up 2 000 the national anthem would not be worth listening to nigga whenever we sing it nigga whitney suck it so well god rest that sucks and soul when sister whitney suck it nigga she sunk it so well it made a nigga feel like they really wanted us in this country you understand either but you know the baseball game whitney get to hitting that motherfucker can you see i see by the dawn early in the morning light light it up light it up a lot of white people like to scream they american as if they got something to do with the country being the way it is i mean like they was on the mayflower or some shit i mean when you really break it down there ain't even that many americans in this room okay contributing americans check this out if you're a veteran if you fought in any war for the united states you are american god bless all the veterans big up to the veterans i can't say nothing wrong about the veterans okay you america now if you swam here from some shitty country that didn't allow you bubblicious you too are american because you overcame obstacles and made sacrifices to actually get here you are a true american okay you really are don't let nobody tell you no different everybody else you're just lucky that's it you're just lucky oh you're crazy while you go to america all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on american soil that's it that's it what do you think you're better than somebody from france because you came out of a pussy in detroit but the whole country's got a fucked up mentality man we all got a gang mentality republicans are fucking idiots and democrats are fucking idiots and conservatives are idiots and liberals or idiots and anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool okay everybody no no no no everybody's so busy wanting to be down with a gang i'm a conservative i'm liberal i'm concerned it's bullshit be a fucking person listen let it swirl around your head then form your opinion no normal decent person is one thing okay i got some shit i'm concerned about i got some shit i'm liberal about crime i'm conservative prostitution i'm liberal

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 93,105

Rating: 4.795074 out of 5

Keywords: comedians on americans, america, comedy, standup, george carlin americans, daniel tosh jobs, eddie griffin on america, chris rock american values, comedians, jokes, funny, hilarious, michael mcintyre american, american accent, part 1, laugh planet

Id: GCGXannfE2M

Length: 14min 32sec (872 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 28 2020