TELLING BONUS JOKES | Jimmy Carr: Telling Jokes

I get asked this from time to time by broadsheet newspapers proper journalists ask what celebrity would you most like to have sex with well Angelina Jolie I would love to have a go about oh sorry Angelina Jolie I've got excited about I'm sorry what celebrity but I must write up saying with it lost the ability to speak I'll come in handy Sarah groped on my face huh hang on I'll have a little swig of water I deserve how I feel thanks very much fat ladies gentlemen that could have been a terrorist she could be here together this could be sarin gas she's I don't even know who the that is she's got a nice ass apparently you've got not I don't think it's really the time can be a bit depressing being a single man can be can be a bit of a bore like I've got an inspirational story this'll cheer you up concerns my friend Emily she's she's beautiful who the I think I tell you what video piracy is becoming a real problem [Applause] this is not acceptable Orca jizz mortgages are getting more expensive but you ply explaining to a homeless person how lucky they are I'm trying to read up about the credit crunch the papers aren't making it easy the independent last week had a headline he just said inflation goes up I'm just gonna write in and ask to the wheels on the bus still go round around of course the credit crunch is causing pension is to be hit hardest well let go the handbag then no no doesn't have to be this way you need to go we Bui you do what don't don't panic go I know I heard I'm here yeah that's fine directions really my department you know where it is you know what your Winkle is I think the exits for the one can I move you people all up one and then we've still got the camera shot he can see at the end when he comes back because otherwise they'll say to me only 14 shots gone is that seat down what look oh you all right how we doing for time all right hold you not have one of these what seriously you don't have you know wadays you should get one what sorry are you know she was touching my face I realized you're a bit confused are you doing her what's it like do you have any pictures Oh bless his little heart thank god you're back [Applause] you got to sit at the end no no no no you've got to see at the end we move we move them all along so we had the camera shot Mungo don't tell him pick up five just sit down there in the empty seat don't pick on him he's clearly very ill don't panic we got security you'll be fine you're my new favorite just because you've got a bladder like a mouse's purse [Laughter] like when this happened and we could be me that we are there again now 15 was that a very long word you slurring everything into one [Music] hmm I have to get asked what's the worst heckle now occasionally at a gig like this someone will shout off your well I think oh sorry 20 pounds for every time that happened I do know the story of the worst heckle of all time it happened to a lady called Pia Zadora very beautiful and talented actress in her prime this happened years and years later cheb worked in 20 years in Hollywood she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress because her looks had faded over the years so she decided to put on a play invite loads of people to the play they would come along see the show and think well she's brilliant let's put her in the movies great idea she finally Anne Frank Diaries sort en frank diary there's no sequel spoiler alert for you she can't star self as Anne Frank she was 55 at the time and crucially not Jewish it's like me playing Winnie Mandela so the play was meant to run for six weeks and she was going to invite all the Los Angeles kind of glitterati down to see the performance and make a big deal of it he ran for two nights cuz on the second night 40-minute scene someone from the back shouted she's in the Attic how Bad's that how bad does that theatrical performance have to be that it made an audience member collaborate with the Nazis when the Iraq war started little did President Bush know now he's left office Bush's gonna devote the next two years to finishing his book he can't believe that caterpillar is still hungry a lot of people don't like the fact that Tony Blair now he's stopped being Prime Minister he's now making ten million pounds a year on the international lecture circuit I don't mind I think it's fair enough you know he's got mouths to feed one of which is enormous what did you guys make a Barack Obama getting him what you think yeah I watched it all day on the news that inauguration two million people turning up in Washington to see history being made and all the pundits were queuing up to describe Barack Obama and they all said the same thing they all described Barack Obama as being like a cross between JFK and Martin Luther King I thought yeah we get it he's gonna get shot you might as well call him the new Jill Dando what did you make a Hillary Clinton because she came that close didn't she she was that close to the biggest job in the world president of the United States of America yeah she's been an inspiration to women all over the world she shown women everywhere that there are limits back in your box you can now buy a baby monitor with a range of one mile if anyone's thinking that sounds good you should be allowed to did you read about the 65 year old woman having a baby 65 years of age and she had a baby I thought how badly did she want to see on the bus did you will see the story about the man having a baby that was the headline around the world man has a baby not really though was it his it was a man with a fully operational vagina and womb so womb man moon man sounds a bit clunky what could we shorten that to oh I know woman the headline should have been an incredibly ugly woman has a favor and that happens all the time that's what beer is for he was interviewed this fella Thomas Beatie was interviewed he said just because I don't have a penis doesn't make me any less of a man that's exactly what he means you are precisely eight and a half inches less of a man just to clarify he was he was it was a man like you and I was a man we didn't have a never mr. tinkle he didn't have a tommy banana he was a man so he had a man fanny [Music] and a sneaky little drink hang on one sec what do you feel free to heckle if you want there's a lot jokes but you can was blue what sorry I've lost too much weight I put weight on I was eight pounds [Applause] I don't know what's the matter with me also if we're gonna sort of be I don't know maybe concerned about others personal appearances maybe the man that looks like a microphone shouldn't be talking what do you do for a living so you look as if you should be a drummer in a band you are in a band of course you're in upper hand of course there's no other excuse for that not that a lot of people don't like my hair a lot of people think I wear a wig or it's a comb over something but I've got comb-over what not there I do have one massive pube I just loop around it's quite something you would enjoy what band do you in you were an origami dinosaur oh my god they're like my favorite band oh hang on I'm thinking a Coldplay [Applause] we'll check in again with origami dinosaur later people with Tourette's what makes him tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you

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Id: 3e1wgR0G8ZE

Length: 10min 49sec (649 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 31 2020