Comedians on ALIENS

[Applause] oh shit how many of y'all believe in aliens i think there's some aliens for real how many y'all believe smart motherfuckers rescue y'all arrogant as muffa you know what i'm saying cause you got to be out your fucking mind to think we're the only shit in the universe you know what you look at all the diverse life on this one planet birds snakes alligators lions tigers and bears oh boy i mean look at the diversity just amongst human beings you know i'm saying like god gonna create all this life here and then just say all right everything else will be lights light it up for him at night you know saying hell yeah some motherfucking aliens out here reason they don't come here bad news travel fast we known throughout the universe as the fucked up planet that's why motherfuckers say they seen the ufo they don't say it land landed came in the house i cooked it dinner y'all said them motherfuckers ain't landing shit they be on the spaceship man this is probably just the fucked up planet tour they get a little pamphlet and shit cause 500 cougars to come to this motherfucker motherfuckers sitting on the spaceship looking out the window hey come on let's go down there let's mess with them shut the fuck up they fight over black and white we purple what the fuck you think they gonna do to us now look your ass out the window let's go bro what's scarier ghosts or aliens ghosts or aliens fucking aliens this is an easy one yeah deal ghost what's the worst they can do i don't know fuck with my lights might pull my sheets back okay cool man somebody told me once in a dream that aliens are gonna come here and fight black people was that crazy or what did a white person tell you that no i don't remember who it was but by aliens i mean otherwise well that there's a low-key beef between aliens and black people they're called mexicans what yeah bro i don't think so dude who told you this no maurice claret told me the most dangerous people in prison are mexicans that they are the most dangerous people yeah the most dangerous it's coming from a black guy so no somebody told me there's beef between black people and aliens dude i'm not a black person i'm not insider trading here i don't know so let's go to our let's go to our ethnic friends that are here right now are you assuming cats or derrick are scared of aliens because they're black i don't know if anyone's scared of them i'm saying is there a low-key beef between ethnicities that aren't white i'm white i don't know we have beef against certain things what don't we like we have what do white people have beef against i would say probably money taxes water slow internet um i don't know what current white princesses are no a lot of white people like them i don't think none of the whites hang out with that's true me neither what do you think there are you scared of aliens i just want to know theo did you get that information from the movie independence guys did you see will smith a blade punch an alien you're like oh there's beef between these smells it could have been aliens and he's kind of the leader yeah i remember what i was watching but i fell asleep and had a dream that and and then it started to resonate with me that there is a low-key thing going on between black people and aliens that and i wouldn't know about it and he you wouldn't know about it you know i think when you refer to aliens you mean mexicans i think that's what's going on no i'm talking about aries illegally i'm talking about air aliens oh you're talking about like area 50 sky aliens yeah you know what i'm saying so derek you ever heard of this so-called beef i mean no theo okay i'm not accusing anybody just one black guy though said it so that's where you get to them you know well i'll tell you that the first time black people uh have a lot of early information because first time i learned about flat earth i was at a pizza place a late night pizza fucking spot at a casino oh yeah he told me this and two black dudes said hey man we gotta talk to you right and i thought you know shit was about to go down you know like they were gonna run a train on you no oh you thought you were gonna beat you up i didn't know i wasn't sure i thought we're gonna do that or gamble together talk about fucking racial pro dude hey can we talk about oh my god don't hit me then well no dude we'll talk about flat earth well that's what they did they sent me another visa parlor and which is irony because you're in a pizza parlor right and so the pizza that whole setup and that's the way they said look man look at this pizza what do you think about it and i was like it's like they said is it round and i said i mean it's round but they're said but really it's flat and they but did you and then they these two dudes explained to me flat earth and i'd never heard it before and then years later flat earth comes to be this big thing you know they just you know you know they're doing all a flat big thing for dummies but yeah i guess it's a big thing big name for thinkers i think but now to hear that black people and aliens are against each other again i i don't know if that's real that's what i'm trying to do those might be the same flat earthers i'm not hiding it from you theo it's not i don't know where you got that from okay i believe you okay there might be some truth there though but i think you're i think you're a little confused and are you hearing anything on your front cat about aliens and black people no aliens what about asians and aliens yeah oh asians hate other asians i know that okay well i'm glad we got that out of the way well damn yeah wow they can't stand other asians you know what's crazy though is you never hear asians with conspiracy theories or aliens they don't give a fuck stories you have a lot of ghosts really like you have that ghost forest or whatever the fuck we're like um yes there's ghosts there sure yeah well that's logan paul did that yeah i know and i think yeah he killed his brother over there something what happened they stumbled upon the video dead brothers oh yeah well look man i think jesus don't fuck with the conspiracy theories in like flat earth shit they're too busy make making shit what do you mean making shit dude what do you mean dude what do you mean you're the one wearing all the shit they're making i know so are you it's made in america no it's not it is no uh i'm way more scared of aliens fuck a ghost what's the worst thing a ghost can do to you ghosts can haunt you ghosts can possess your grandmother cool give her some energy ghost can live at your grandparents house forever yeah they just haunt old people i'm amazed we haven't seen as many ghosts recently as there were in l.a there's no ghosts i i definitely need to see that the comedy store go to the belly room turn the lights off shit's definitely haunted that's a guy feeling on you dude is it is it the same guy every time motherfucker damn i thought it was a ghost um i thought it was a gay ghost but yeah i'll go aliens because they're like the bigger ghost they're like ghost daddy you know and we don't know what they're doing they're out there they might come by they might not but dude i'll tell you this i'd watch a group of aliens and a group of brothers fucking throw down any day of the week yeah you keep going back to aliens versus black guys and i don't maybe because i heard it would be a fun video but i heard early information aliens versus black guys the video game yeah i'd play that dude don't touch all right ufos dude my question is in here somewhere i am nowhere near a conspiracy freak or anything like that but i do admit i get a hard on for any documentary on that secret military base in nevada that is called area 51. the government is supposed well i mean believing in aliens like i i don't know that that's really not that crazy you know you think like how big the fucking universe is there's just life on one planet no life anywhere else despite the fact that they see evidence of water on mars at some point you know i'm telling you guys we're not that special if you're god and you made the whole universe are you i'm just gonna sit back watching one fucking planet maybe that's why the earth is so fucked up i don't think he's been watching us for the last couple thousand was the last time he reached out reach out reach out and freak someone out right when's the last time he fucking did that was the last time he fucking was in a burning bush going hey hey you there you there with the long fucking curvy stick next to the sheep come over here come over to the burning bush you know once last time he did that i think he's been watching other earths um flipping through the channels you know can you imagine how clear his fucking how big do you think god's flat screen tv is how clear is that picture i bet even if you make it to heaven you know you don't even get to see it like he comes out of his office and you try to peek in real quick and like the human eye you get just it's just too much of a fucking glare right um so anyways yeah if you believe in aliens i mean i mean i don't know that that we can reach one another you know that whole flying saucer fucking horseshit mean how long can you go with with artificial breathe you know some sort of atmosphere in there that was like on star trek i mean they just had this limitless supply of fucking oxygen just fucking flying through space they now look at them they landed on a lot of planets that had oxygen they would just land on these planets and they just had oxygen i think what they did was they opened they landed the starship enterprise and they just opened the windows and they got some more oxygen and then they flew away right isn't that how it works anyways the government supposedly is housing and researching crashed ufos and uses deadly force to keep regular people out do you have any opinion on the subject i think i just said i mean i don't fuck do i think they actually have the bodies of aliens um do you realize like the level of secrecy you would have to have if you actually had that shit that would be like one of the things before they went in the room it's like okay we're gonna let you in this room and you gotta understand when you go in this room the door is closing and you're never getting out because you're gonna see some fucking shit in here that i don't give a fuck you're not if you have one shot of nyquil you're gonna be blabbering about it you can't do it so i i don't know i don't fucking know um anyways he goes what does your bullshit meter say i think there's way too much of a veil of secrecy around the place to think otherwise i used to know someone who was a career air force pilot whenever the subject of that base or those mysterious flights mysterious lights over phoenix scene in 1997 came up he completely removed himself from the conversation uh those mysterious lights i don't even know what you're talking about for all you know they're just testing some psycho fucking weaponry you know remember when the new yankee stadium came out in like 0.8 or 09 and they were like we have 2013 technology all right if those fucking morons that run that place can have shit that we're not gonna have you know they can be four or five years ahead of us can you imagine what the government is i mean they gotta have shit from like i don't know 2014. i i have no fucking idea i don't know anyways he says uh quite frankly the evening's lapse would end right after the topic was brought up i believe in life outside of our universe to think that we human and all of earth's inhabitants so the only life anywhere is just plain ignorant i 100 agree with that i'm sure you've heard stories about president nixon secretly showing ufos and aliens to his favorite comedian jackie gleason uh that's a complete crock of shit uh what would you like he's gonna do that all right now i know i'm not supposed to show you the i know i'm not supposed to show yourself and away we go that was a bad nixon impression right there um what would happen if you were shown some stuff like that i imagine i would immediately be microchipped or shot in the back of the fucking head would you tell about it i wouldn't want to know about that that if i actually found out about that it would blow my fucking mind i you know what it is look maybe that maybe your air force guy buddy there has seen something because i would say that like all converse no but you know what he laughs right up until that moment if he wasn't laughing at all throughout all your conversation then i would i would believe it more because i know if i knew some shit like that and then i would sit there and listening to people talking about god and holy shit that we believe down here that didn't include aliens i would i would feel like a fucking alien because i would be like uh yeah we're just a speck of dust bear people and there's all this other stuff out there and uh yeah it would drive me nuts after a while this whole thing about aliens and that we know there's aliens like the government but the government's made up of people so you think there's people out there that see aliens and they just keep it to themselves they go home hey we got a secret here hey i know there's aliens but i'm i got my shit together where i don't say this aliens you know what you know why because people think those people that know are constantly in brick windowless buildings what about when he's at a cookout with his family or something nigga that's when it would come out and they got brains and they got big eyes like it's like oh like these dudes are so like the president knows there's aliens keeping this secret from little stupid us he's not picking up the phone when he's in his secured like office gotta use this swipe card to get into and going yes there's aliens i see him they're here in the building when he's bowling sweetie how was your day today bitch i can't i gotta tell you this one just make mistake all right don't tell nothing don't say shit sweetie don't tell your dumb friends at work these niggas got big eyes and four feet it's alien talk for years but i've never seen a conspiracy there's no aliens they've never seen them they don't have them no somebody would it's just too much for a human being to deal with bunch of rats that's all we are we love right you want to be the guy that tells something even if the guy you know he saw aliens you know what makes it funny in my my stupid thinking is you know he still has to wait uh for a table at a restaurant if i just told this guy you would think you could pull out that card and they'd be like yeah that's great it's still a half hour wait i don't give a fuck but you don't understand i've seen the aliens i think the alien you think you hint like i think i could get a table i drove all the way from roswell to uh come to your place roswell new mexico

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 8,480

Rating: 4.548872 out of 5

Keywords: comedians on aliens, comedy, stand up comedy, bill burr aliens, aliens, ufo, area 51, patrice oneal aliens, eddie griffin aliens, theo von aliens, jokes, funny, comedians, hilarious, laugh planet, funny clips

Id: LTjXWX-GRoc

Length: 15min 21sec (921 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 03 2020