Best of CHRIS ROCK - Standup Edition (Part-1)

that's not that's right who's the biggest liars middle one men men lie to most women tell the biggest lie we lie all the time we lost so much as damn near language it's right to call a man out for life it's like playing basketball with a [ __ ] kid and calling for double dribble you gotta let some [ __ ] slide you just gotta let some [ __ ] slide man we love all the time we love all the time you know the man's lines like the man's lies like I was at Tony house I make in a house that's a man's life a woman's lies like it's your baby [Applause] well we've all heard that long hey don't even look like me oh he's got your hat that's right who's the biggest lies women the biggest lies biggest I look at you all of you your [ __ ] lie you're all liars alia [ __ ] lines masters of the life the visual life look at you you got all heels you ain't that time you gotta make up your face to look like that you got a weave your head and love you got a Wonderbra it didn't say that bin everything about you is a lie and you expect me to tell the truth [ __ ] [Applause] men lie with lie we live lies that's why we're so crazy every now and then we catch ourselves living a lie we create a whole wide world around us for instance every man in this room is hiding some porno in his house everything in here got a pornography stash in the crib not an illegal amount just enough to get you by and when we had porno we go all out and it behind the refrigerator under the bed no we become Batman when it's time to hide support oh that's right you hit the light switch the whole bookshelf shift to the side you go down two flights and stares into your porno cell aha Janet jacked me yes Tobi car jenna jameson that's rough but women always find the porn they'll always find a porno but they don't find it in the porno hiding place I don't know no when a women find a porno ass and a VCR but wait a minute there's one exception there's one exception there's one instance where white people could say [ __ ] and I can let it out tonight i'ma let it out here in Johannesburg [Applause] save me and white people like this is what I paid for [Applause] so [ __ ] great night now the water white people could save me here goes listen closely cuz I may never say this [ __ ] again but one time white people could say [ __ ] ok it is Christmas Eve and it's between 30 and 4 49 in the moment if you like and you on your way to Toys R Us to get your kid the last transformer doll and then right before you walk in the Toys R Us some black person runs up beside you stop [Laughter] Rimma dances on your head take that you cracker-ass [ __ ] mama picked into quick s full of takes your money s is Anya and runs away if you write at that moment you could say somebody matter of fact is you worried and that happens to you you can say [ __ ] for a whole month but you got to walk around with the police or poop in your pocket chicks in and black people catch you saying [ __ ] the police report will act as your freedom papers hey I heard you saying [ __ ] let me see your [ __ ] papers give me the bag on Christmas Eve [Applause] Co 48 you just made it [ __ ] Estonian I hope they catch that [ __ ] threat man and everybody talking about gun control God get rid of the guns like that I like the rumors you got a gun you don't have to work out hey look you know I ain't jogging you got pecs I got texts ah you don't need no gun control you don't you need we need some bullet control beneath it maybe we need to control the bullets that's where I think Oh foolish it cost $5,000 beaucoup you know what cuz if a bullet cost $5,000 there be no more innocent bystander every time somebody shot me like there he musta did son sure they put Bennett babanova on the bullets in his ass [Applause] and people before they killed somebody for bullet cost five thousand thousand man I would blow your [ __ ] head off if I could afford it oh well give me another job I'm gonna start saving some money and you a dead man you better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway so even if you get shot by a stray bullet you won't have to go to no doctor to get it take it out whoever shot you think they'd pull it back I believe you got my property married and bored or single and lonely that's right just like marriage is some boring ass [ __ ] cuz once you get married you're gonna hang around other married people and that's just disgusting you ever go to dinner with six neutered adults a bunch of women talking about diaper genies and hair coloring you don't believe it into luggage sting shut the [ __ ] up a bunch of men talking about barbecue grills and routes to work you know sometimes we'll take the highway but if you backed up I gots besides you son like to see they get me there and half the time yeah you should take it down i-95 and clear something shut the [ __ ] up I hate ferry babe oh it's [ __ ] disgusting if you're gonna eat dinner with single people single people eat for hour in 30 minutes and leave cuz they got [ __ ] to do married people closed down a restaurant they stopped ordering coffee and dessert stop talking to the hockey tank I like to think it foot right there stop talking to the cook the tea water [ __ ] hurry up we got a lot of not [ __ ] to do if you hurry up we cannot [ __ ] all night oh I hate married [ __ ] people man and fellas once you get married you become your wife's pet you become a [ __ ] bet because women like to get their husbands together they don't even know each other and have like a grown man playdate put you in a room with some other married [ __ ] because he likes baseball just like you and you in some room with some [ __ ] stranger I like baseball I like baseball too yeah yeah baseball good yeah yeah honey who the [ __ ] is this get me the [ __ ] outta hell need no new friends if you want to help me out introduce me to a girl I hate married people man whenever I go out with other married couples I like to bring along a single crackhead just a spicing up activity come on tell us some of your cracker tales please married single and only see the problem relationships is people want too much man people want too much everybody's looking for soul mate soul mate we're so much we're one we're soul mates I'm a Pisces Aquarius for perfect we're soul mates it's incredible it's because of his food is my star this is so great there's so many and we complete each other we finish each other's sentences and the other day was raining I said honey it's get ready to write he said raincoat it's amazing it's like we're telekinesis we pelican eASIC it's a kind of book like god nobody gets your soulmate it don't happen all you don't get in life if you're lucky is a mate just to make somebody a buck go to movies with you [ __ ] go to another movie your [ __ ] go to the comedy show you [ __ ] you're going to grandmama house you [ __ ] you go to your mama's house you [ __ ] go see another movie and somewhere in between [ __ ] and movies he goes Mookie Soni and that's all relationships are ain't that complicated it's just [ __ ] and eating if you're like [ __ ] somebody and you're like any one of y'all don't need to be together and the longer you wish somebody is MOLLE in and less [ __ ] [ __ ] you don't even remember the last time you [ __ ] but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday you'll never go get a soulmate you never gonna meet the perfect person you never gonna meet somebody in love Seinfeld in the wu-tang clan it ain't happening it ain't happening ain't even even if you meet the perfect person and it gonna be the perfect time you're married they're single that's right you're Jewish they're Palestinian you're Mexican they're a cool you're a black woman he's a black man [Applause]

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Views: 1,445,756

Rating: 4.8918047 out of 5

Keywords: best of chris rock, chris rock, chris rock stand up, chris rock racist, chris rock on marriage, chris rock on relationships, chris rock men and women differences, women jokes, funniest women jokes, bullet control, chris rock bullet control, try not to laugh, chris rock funniest moments, chris rock funniest, funny stand up comedy, funniest standup jokes, n word jokes, hilarious, chris rock women, comedy, stand up, chris rock relationships, chris rock marriage

Id: JYST4LGvgKU

Length: 12min 12sec (732 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 21 2019