8 of Dave Chappelles Funniest Jokes

and serious one-time racism saved my life man I was I was on a plane I was coming I was coming from overseas and I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up and he said nobody buddy get on the [ __ ] ground I started freaking out because he was Chinese I was like was he talking like [Applause] we screaming a crime I was the only brother on the plane well I thought only brother I looked over there was one of the black dude he's from Nigeria I looked over them he was looking right in my face man he didn't say two words to me just look the music he didn't need to talk I know we just what you're talking about look right back at him was right some white dudes on the front of planes seen us [Applause] three against communicatin that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don't take black hostages that's the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letters they is treating us good we are chilling this [ __ ] I like to give a shout-out to Ray Ray on big Steve you're not gonna see it terrorists and smart they know what they're doing there you know they terrorists they know what the black people's bad bargaining chips they called the White House hello we have got five blood hello really some scary [ __ ] I got to tell you Harvey Weinstein is probably the first person that I haven't looked at a photograph of and was like yeah he rapes I'm not sure this [ __ ] has a choice not a handsome man I try to meet an extra skin on his face haze ugliness at parties he's done so well in life he probably doesn't know exactly you know what you're good-looking everybody will tell you oh yeah we ugly you gotta figure that [ __ ] out for yourself somehow - putting clues together is why am I not getting into club I got all the right [ __ ] [Music] [Laughter] it was Brad Pitt doing that [ __ ] he wouldn't hurt a peep the girl just come back down like I got the part yes yet and yet it is important that I acknowledge ladies you are absolutely right there you go they got all be mindful of that guys because it's gonna happen to any of us it happened to me I can see that see myself showing up hi I'm here for my 3 a.m. with mr. Weinstein hey Harvey I got your text and here to talk about the script seems like it's gonna be hard to read candlelight but I guess I could try it sound like a [ __ ] nightmare could you imagine using a business meeting and a [ __ ] just let me finish Deschanel I'll put you in all three Lord of the Rings [Applause] hurry up [ __ ] I have other meetings no I have a 4:30 a.m. and Brett Ratner's now I believe it's wardrobe fitting you got to make life interesting like that because this [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think it's dangerous out here we know what's going on I travel now you know I just think DC had the roughest ghettos in the country no no I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of DC yeah everybody should go to the ghetto I was taking it again at one time that's the worst when you get taking it you're not expecting to go right usually you want to know where you're gonna get her like I'm gonna see some loud [ __ ] I got to prepare myself I'm gonna see some crazy when you're taking is different I had a limousine driver it was after shows late at night it's like 3:00 in the morning and limousine driver he's a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh are you from down DC weren't that's a rough City man and his cell phone started ringing hold on one second hello Oh what what the [ __ ] I gotta make a stop real quick at three o'clock in the Lord and I didn't know he was taking me to ghetto at first I thought looking out the window gun store gun stores I look good he didn't say [ __ ] just pulled up and from an old rickety building that looked like a project man I've never been here before I'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familial symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out a tree and [ __ ] [Applause] but I said I'd be right back left me took the keys with me just left me at 3 o'clock in the morning in front of a project and a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I gotta look around see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I'm at I have to escape on foot that isn't what I know I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it's three o'clock in the morning it's three o'clock in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby didn't even look scary just fine I mean it made me sad it made me sad really good-looking I want to help it baby I don't trust you either I'm sorry quit the old baby on the corner trigger I'm not gonna fall for that [ __ ] where's this limousine driving I stopped feeling bad so time goes by stop feeling worse I mean what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong I'm scared of a baby this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I got to do something but I was gonna get out the car I'm serious man I was practical into a little bit there's a whole limousine I can roll it down [Applause] hey baby baby the whole master o'clock in the morning with a [ __ ] daughter the babies and I'm selling weed [ __ ] at all [Applause] [Music] I'm sorry I had to buy two bags from the Komets economy got back in the car rolled me a joint Lancer that [ __ ] was scary once in a while like a crack here will come up to the car and look in the windows like Jurassic Park and should you be looking on the car all right get out of here cracking that baby was still sitting there that's not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes oh man what is wrong me man I have just bought weed from from an infant I can't condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you say [ __ ] you [ __ ] got kids to feed Sam and this is that very moment when the crackheads run across the street and got hit by a car I know it was a hit-and-run the police did it that's all right they sprang some crack on him he got back up I almost protested the war in the beginning almost until I saw what happened to him Dixie Chicks I see it [ __ ] that and they'll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces I don't want to hear that [ __ ] yeah but I'm like why you care so much what the Dixie Chicks ate it's not like they political scientist and then they just bitching ii sang good get on I mean stop worshiping celebrities so much there's no list don't pay attention I remember right around September 11th ja Rule was on MTV that's we got ja Rule on the phone let's see what Joss thoughts are on this tragic I don't want to dance I'm scared to death I want some answers the ja Rule might not have right now when bad [ __ ] happens in the crib like oh my god this is terrible cuz somebody please find our rule get holders [ __ ] I can make sense of all this whereís job me Charu [Applause] obviously that kind of [ __ ] man it's what is they use the TV to program us from a young age ever watch like a cartoon as used to watching a little as an adult [ __ ] as wild [ __ ] some well [ __ ] like I was with my nephew we sitting near me watching Pepe LePew I say to my neighbor I said I pay attention to this guy because he's funny I used to watch him when I was little and he watched up every life you with him old now looking like good cop kind of [ __ ] rapist is this guy like see like that be like I had to turn the channel real quick my turn on Sesame Street that's all Sesame Street this is much better because now he'll learn how to count and spell but now I'm watching it as an ad though not realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things and teaches kids how to judge people and label people that's right my character named Oscar the treatise guy like [ __ ] the entire show they judge them right in his face Oscar you are so mean isn't it kids yeah Oscar you're a grouch it's like [ __ ] I live in a [ __ ] trash man nopales [ __ ] on Sesame Street nobody's helping me then you went away a kids row up and step over homeless people get it together grouch get a job grouch so don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street that is a terrible place I wouldn't go there find it away who want to live in a neighborhood like that [ __ ] six-foot pigeons walking around the elephant that's a junkie oh boy bird up sick I need some smack bird Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out his hands kinda cookies are you talking about chocolate chips on director people and then had the nerve to put a pimp on them let him come out in the saves of him but I know a pen when I see whenever they caught him to count everything eater Sam Pittman [ __ ] where is my money you've been late for times I've been counting how many times must I smack you before you act right [Applause] [Music] what I'm waiting for good talent in this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time there's Wars going out of control they're kind of [ __ ] bad if something is wrong with the world at large it's always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally jerk off ok this is getting a little ridiculous are you planning this you have meetings Michael thank you for coming as you know Michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well Michael there's no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're gonna need you to Dirk off another child Mike I'm sorry I am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he did it who knows who knows that's the thing that's what I wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows Mike God and this little boy no that's that's about it it's about it the only reason that I can even talk about this shoot is because everybody is speculating they all think he did it and I don't think he did it I'm alone in this I don't think he did it I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it that's too strong let me just say I am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from when I hire me the kid said he's dying of cancer he was in make-a-wish Foundation she claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break his kid is 10 years old he don't remember Thriller the [ __ ] you want to meet Michael Jackson for honestly I remember thriller and I just like kinda wanna meet the snake like I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him I put it that way I'd have to already be free get me in a room with Chubby Checker I wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] that my legs - why not I'll show somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to Michael's house is where it all gets crazy I don't know like you know he does everything you'd expect at Michael's house they climb trees and road roller coasters and Ferris wheels the chef made cooking his pies and cakes they was putting them on in drag sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason Mike pulled out some wine and some pills and suck this kid's dick folks it hurts me to say it and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good host what else do you what what else do you want I'm looking to get a glass of a great drink at my friend's house alone Ilocos riding my dick sucked Mike must be confused like I brought you in my house I pant you I sucked your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish that man thought you were down in two weeks what happened that little buddies I've been a cop for a year and a half to get stalled every time I see you I wouldn't even say the [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow but it might have powers like Green Mile and all the kids like please my god it's never again we didn't appreciate it and we at least study your saliva please barking oh my god but there's more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that's been percolating and it really is the crowd not you I'm talking about the crowd on the big stage it's too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country is turned into bitch-ass [ __ ] everything you say upset somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I don't know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender community yo yetiz [ __ ] I mean I didn't realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special stuff man I don't know what to do about it cuz cuz I like them I always had never had a problem with them you know it's just [ __ ] around and matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean it's a group of people they have to admit it's kind of [ __ ] hilarious man I'm sorry bros like I've never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about they're born feeling like there's something other than they're born as and that's that's kind of funny you know I this funny was not happening to you I believe transgenders I don't understand them either but I know they mean what they say then things cut they dicks off it's all the proof I need then sing somebody just throw their dick away don't need it [Applause] I don't understand but I believe me when I support your decision [ __ ] I was doing a show I was in Portland Oregon and I was checked in a hotel under the name charles edward cheese I came back to my room late at night News a note was like a letter on my desk it was addressed to mr. cheese so obviously I'm gonna assume that whoever wrote this letter it must be an intimate friend of mine it's not some kind of name that a person would just guess but then open the letter and it turns out I don't know this person at all it's a fan letter you know I'm not even used to the idea that I have fans but I'm grateful for it and I don't read those letters be nice if I did but realistically it's like what am i Santa Claus Nick I don't have time for this like that [ __ ] I want to do I'm trying to chill read all these dreams and wishes from strangers but then I read it I'd already open it so I just read the whole letter and you know what man whoever wrote this letter truly loves me I mean they were really [ __ ] nice in the letter and then they described to me what it was like to come to the show how excited they were how much fun they were having and then they said that when I got to my jokes about transgenders that they were quote devastated because turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender now I'm gonna be real for a second as a policy you gotta understand I never feel bad about anything I say I'm here and I would never admit this to you if I hadn't locked your phones up but it was the weirdest thing like when I read this letter this [ __ ] made me feel bad I didn't feel bad about what I said he understand I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad be honest I don't even know what I said that upset that person I have so many transgender jokes but I feel like I feel like it was probably this joke I'm about to tell you right now and it's not even that bad of a joke it's a true joke I mean it's not true but I I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated and I know it's not politically correct to say these things so I just figured [ __ ] it I'll say it for everybody else yeah you know sometimes I just want to read some stats I don't know why you're gonna cram some man [ __ ] in the middle of the sports page like this I just didn't think that was the place for it but I wasn't saying anything like Kaitlyn Jenna's a bad person I'm not mad at her for doing it not even mad I suppose illustrating if I'm mad at somebody I'm probably just mad at myself you understand deep down I know that I am not strong enough to not look at those pictures [Applause] and I don't think I'm ready to see what she's trying to show [Applause] so Kaitlyn got Damon if you go through with this thing then she better go hard or go home I want you to go all the way Hustler style you know what hustle style means miss that means spread the lips [Applause] how she sprays lips and there's anybody they can sack the shell is behind the curtains [Applause] I don't know what I said that upset that person you know I can remember when it all started it was when I was doing Chappelle's Show now I was doing Chappelle's Show I just do the show and then on the weekends I do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so I'm doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife was obviously Asian you can see it in their face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least couldn't quite pinpoint where he was from caramel-colored fella very nice hair but it could've been from anywhere Bangladesh Mexico I can't guess with a [ __ ] like this all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] I could see that in her face to know he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a god damn comedy show I couldn't figure it out and then I realized at some point that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage I said oh my god that's probably why she's mad so I started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non smoker calls so I just kept smoking I thought myself [ __ ] that baby will be fine relax can I try to break the tension I just asked her is all I said hey where you guys from anyway and I could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescending like she says I'm from California if you're asking my ethnicity I am Chinese and her husband was just cool about the [ __ ] he was like a Mexican bro I said well I'm sorry if I offended you by asking but you're a very beautiful couple and this there's no question that you're gonna give birth to the hardest-working baby this world is that it's not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn't just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out I will never buy one of your [ __ ] DVDs again Dave Chappelle I said ma'am with all due respect Chinese people all buy DVDs [Applause] and the crowd went crazy we've all laughed and having a good time I didn't even think anything of it and then just three days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote racist huh and I'm quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage I was a word [ __ ] I was and she had just done a little bit of research she would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage that's right in fact my wife is Asian to surprise [ __ ] I feel Thanksgiving but my wife's not Chinese she's Filipino that's right that's right and our kids are Puerto Rican some house there you go

Channel: Daily Dose Comedy

Views: 4,637,631

Rating: 4.8159175 out of 5

Keywords: Dave Chappelle, Funnies Jokes, Funny, comedy, comedian, standup

Id: 7Wt0Sod0UKU

Length: 31min 4sec (1864 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 14 2020