Excuses NOT To Have Sex | Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking

you never forget your first especially if they've got an unusual name our Kayla there's something I don't understand about a woman's g-spot I can't quite put my finger on it I can drive a woman mother let's hit home there has it touched a nerve so to speak no very out I can drive a woman wild with my tongue would you would you like me to demonstrate okay pay attention all the actually is happening here young men drive a woman wild with your tongue have you palm white anal sex is overrated it's [ __ ] [ __ ] that's like buggery I tried it with my girlfriend she was bored to tears as if anonymous gonna get it got it let's move along we've been together now for 12 years me and my girlfriend so to keep things fresh in the bedroom we do a little bit of roleplay she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend I'm still attracted to her first divided the rumors in those who thought that was funny and then there are unattractive women some girls might have the lights off for sex to happen they're like all the lights to be out before they have sex and they've got name they're called fugly Montez I've never complained about that joke I've never had a woman come up to me after the show gone excuse me I'm the fugly Munter you think I feel hungry other couples think of this show I've got a theory about sex in long-term relationships so the received wisdom is it's men that instigate sex within a long-term relationship it's the man that says should we go upstairs for a bit of slap and tickle that a house your father bit of sticky belly whatever you call it in your houses but it's the man that asks I think that is misogynistic [ __ ] that's like saying the man's got the sex drive and the woman is just passive I reckon it's about 50/50 in most relationships the reason you don't notice more moving arse for sex is because when women ask for sex it happens we've got the expression getting lucky because we're rolling the dice ladies if your woman says to you joining up says oh [ __ ] yeah it doesn't matter what else is going on you could be full of flu you could have just received devastating news you could have just been shot in the leg by her husband [ __ ] yes I do but sometimes gentlemen you'll know this sometimes in a long-term relationship you'll you'll suggest becoming amorous with your partner you'll suggest having sex and she'll say no and then she will give you some kind of mercurial strange reason as to why sex could not occur at that moment in time and you would like to respond you'd like to argue back but you can't think of anything because you can't think at all because all the blood is somewhere else so I thought well why don't we take advantage of the situation we find ourselves in why don't we workshop it what reasons have you heard gentlemen not to have sex and we'll come up with a response what what have you heard headache tired okay let's deal with those in order headache easy if almost it's not I've got a headache just say I'm gonna be right at the other end I could not be further away problem also I'm gonna [ __ ] you were not doing Sudoku you're not gonna need your wits about tired tired is tired is like the modern equivalent of headache and I think genuinely if a woman says do you like I can't have sex I'm tired what you've got to do you've got to listen obviously you've got to acknowledge it's not enough just to listen she's got to know that you've heard and then make a suggestion that's my advice anyway don't don't demand anything for a woman make a suggestion so Foreman said a lot of Kant upsets I'm tired I'd say of course you're tired I hear you you've got the kids you've got the house you got work you must be exhausted so why don't you and it's just a suggestion but why don't you do you normally do and just [ __ ] liner lazy [ __ ] cow any other excuses for not pregnant she's too young it's a long-term relationship you're in right a lot really kind of says with you I'm too young yeah and yet what was that one pregnant are you trying to nudge it towards a three-way it's not that clearly yes I don't alarm anyone but we've got a pirate in the house hoist the mainsail he's dead she's dead and yet you're still hearing a voice saying no that isn't her that your conscience you monster don't let any other any other it's useless for $0.90 your [ __ ] too big try [ __ ] a grown up [Applause] any other so Jeff could you just repeat what you said that she's on the blog how nicely put sir I think I think a lesser man might have said menstruation or her time of the month or maybe period even Arsenal are playing at home or has the red devil in her belly Oh hon bricks are you one with a much more genteel on the blob so the provincial I think in all seriousness if Foreman says no I can't have sex I've got my period I would say well your asses and bleeding is it yet [Applause] give me a moment to work my magic diverse womanhood recently someone at summer said it for you nice kick in Cambridge I said many reasons for not having sex with in a long-term relationship that you've heard from Mormon and a woman morning Fanny should morning fanny when I heard I don't know what that is it's morning Fanny and she said you know morning breath people with Tourette's what makes him tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you

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Id: Iq6w6HQ3KfY

Length: 7min 32sec (452 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 28 2020