Comedian Tim Hawkins' Full Rockstar Show Part 2

think you're bouncing checks you weirdo but I don't know I think I do a lot of the same things my parents do but there's one thing that my wife and I do not do the same we decided a while back we are not going to spank our children anymore we're just not going to spank them I don't judge me if you want to know more spanks we're gonna use a Taser for that technologies from heaven above right there that's provision right there parents you need to hear me out on that you need to embrace that technology that's it's quiet it's quiet doesn't leave a mark they don't remember it's all super smart stuff whatever dad [Applause] like I don't know he must eat peanuts he's having an allergic reaction [Applause] throughout the we'd start the weeds I know it's not legal it's just it just works that's all I'm saying folks I know we got kids here today kids I know it's frustrating it's frustrating as parents I know it's frustrating as kids because you're getting fights with your parents you know your mom especially and see the thing is his mom's have comebacks and fights that don't make sense but they don't care you're getting a fight with your mom mom don't mom me how dare you mom me like that the mom ik stops now smart-aleck go to your room you see any room your brother's like what happened I don't know I think I mommed mom what does that mean still she keeps saying I won't have that what does that mean it's like a code your mom ever say this clean up this room I am NOT gonna say it again cool [Applause] she's not gonna say it again she's finally gonna shut her mouth about the whole thing hey my you're gonna email me or something I wish I could invent a bed that would make itself I'm gonna be great mom's coming soon this bed it's not gonna make itself look again that's satanic I don't want that that's not I won't have it I won't have it here's a deal I think they should let me be the super nanny oh you might want to tune in because there will be some violence going down on that show the Superman II will be a whole different experience for the viewer like no Thomas no come on let's go I'm gonna drive you off a not a cliff no you don't need your shoes you're not coming back come on say goodbye to your brother and sister lets go meet Jesus come on let's go meet you [Applause] know pops in heaven that's thing I'm just getting sick of that's one thing I don't know it's like all I ever do in my life in my house is look for my kids shoes they're never together is that true here where you live the kids user never together that's all I do is look for it and I'm sick of it I don't care anymore I'm just like getting a car I don't care what's on your feet I really don't care I don't put a zip-lock storage bags on your feet I don't get I [Applause] don't care if the shoes don't match I don't care if they are wearing a rain boot in a flip-flop I don't care see I think Walmart has it right when they sell their shoes they're that plastic string that holds them together maybe we're not supposed to cut that but stop doing it daddy wait up god [Applause] I want to go to Cracker Barrell jail so I love Payless Shoe Store has ever able to pay less shoes how do they make money thank goodness buy one pair get 10 pairs free like two pairs get a franchise that place is awesome it's like the ramen noodles of shoes I think payless shoes are made out of ramen noodles I really believe that except me lose one just boil the other one and eat it that's what you need to do but if there's one message out there I don't know I think it's for the father's out there a few guys any of you guys were married and your wife stays home with the kids all day when you get home from work she needs a break you know she just needs to go somewhere yeah that's theirs yeah this is true never married fifteen years I learned that the hard way came in from a three-day trip I walked in the door of my wife's to stay an hour waiting for me honey I'm home yeah heard you pull it up can I have a hog what's the problem you need to take the kids somewhere and you need to do it now okay where do you want me to take them I don't give a rip where you take them just get out of here okay we're getting the car she's here get the car I'm gonna go we'll be back at June so I get my kids in the car man were just sitting there I didn't know where to go just okay I took him to Home Depot I didn't know what to do I know that's where guys find peace at the Home Depot just look at hammers for a while you know that was not the right choice that particular day folks yeah you can't let your kids run off at the Home Depot cuz I don't know you have not lived your life till you turn the corner at a Home Depot and see your youngest son using a display toilet just getting real here there's a Kodak moment for you right there any parents got an answer for that little quandary hon James Dobson why don't you focus on my family for a while mr. smartypants he's going to town he don't care the manager is looking right at me and like yeah that's my boy should be done in a minute here you all take Visa okay good that's good just what daddy wanted a turquoise toilet I want you to throw a microwave on top of that bad boy we'll call it even make it a package deal but I have best thing I ever did was I got married to my wife Heather about 15 years ago and she's just she's unbelievable she's a great woman she's strong woman because I am an idiot and she just knows how to get back at me she's smart one way she gets back if she takes me to stores I have you know men are never supposed to go to and you can tell the store that men are not you know really supposed to go to buy the name usually like Bed Bath and Beyond they should rename that store for men call it [Applause] you know a lot of stores and women's stores just by the name and there's one not too far me I think it's called Kay's closet okay you know that's a woman's store you know there's a store called Jim's closet I ain't going into Jim's clothes or coming out of Jim's closet for that matter it's just the way I roll but when she's really man we used to there's one around here I think there's place called la Madeleine is the restaurants like this French Lahore this French little cafeteria place that is a woman's store man cuz men first off it's la Madeleine men don't like law there's no law bowling alley la Bass Pro Shop but it's weird she takes me to La Madeline I it's like by the time I get to an order in there I turn into my wife it's ridiculous I'm like yeah give me the chicken Sally course aunt sandwich and uh some lobster bisque can I get another cup oh I need to make a substitution can I get the fruit cup instead of the chip okay apple Danish shouldn't but I'm gonna [Applause] do you have raspberry tea with Splenda bonus [Applause] let's go to the candle store she gets back at me though man Wow she does she has these questions she asked that men are never you know we can't answer women have that knack that a talent of asking questions it's just you know what to do you guys ever get this question three weeks ago you gave me a funny look in the car why I didn't know there's gonna be a pop quiz sugar baby now what were you thinking when you gave me that look three weeks ago what were you thinking I don't know what I'm thinking right now to be honest with you can I use a lifeline or phone-a-friend here I don't know what to say to you woman he does we're lying at Walmart one time in the tabloid section she asked me this if I wait 1,500 pounds would you still love me it's a simple question and why is it taking you this long to think about it if I weighed 1500 pounds would you still love me I visit what give me a break that's huge take it a seaworld try to make some money off yeah I don't know [Applause] 1,500 pounds I love it when I see new couples man new couples they just get married and they have just to have it figured out you know they have all the answers they have this whole marriage they know it's so easy always bragging about the relationship you know what's so great about it it's like we're joined at the fool you fool what do you mean it's like we finished each other's sentences all the time I'm like big deal I don't care how long you've been married you always finished each other's sentences I've been married for 15 years like hey honey can you make your own sandwich [Applause] that is weird cuz that's just what I was gonna do I'm gonna see if you want me to make you one too I love what I do I love I love my job it's a cool thing and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't do it so I but I get put in places and I do comedy in places I never thought I would get to you know not too long ago I performed it my first Catholic Church [Applause] yeah but it was awesome I mean the people were wonderful we had a great show but before I was nervous I'm a Catholic Church my gonna have to change everything I do these people understand me yeah my calls everybody do [Music] [Applause] it's so nice to be here with you to know [Music] [Applause] what's a Catholic audience gonna be like this guy's good I was I'm glad we came yeah [Applause] it's so funny the next week I was I did a show at a Pentecostal Church which is totally the other end of the spectrum you know but it was just as fun and the people were just as cool but my baptist mom had to warn me you know before I did the show it's like Timmy I just want to warn you Pentecostals do things different than we do doot oh she's well Pennock she said it's well pin it off the women they don't cut their hair and they don't wear pants that's gonna be kind of distracting didn't read that in the contract I can't pray about this but I'm glad you came whatever you came it's just good to laugh it's good to you know notice that we're all the same you know and we're not even different we're just not I mean I am no I'm no rockstar I'm no different than you folks man the only difference between me and you I got a microphone and talent that's the only two thing that's it [Applause] the only two things that separate me and you come and focus that's it I don't know my testimony is I sometimes I like wish I had a better you ever do that you wish you had a better testimony in your life you're sitting in church and you listen to a guy on stage like Marian is with awesome to us moaning I have a horrible one I wish I was addicted to crack thanks God well my testimonies are usually how I mess up man I'm not doing the show about three years ago and it was this big is about this size almost like 2,000 people and I was doing his show and after I did pretty good and after the show they took me to this room with this table had a pen on it I'm like okay what do you want me to do here and they they said well we're gonna let some people in and we want you to sign autographs and I said okay I can do that and they did they opened the door like a hundred people line up at that table for my autograph oh my god sweet I felt pretty good about myself the first lady in the line she walks up to me and she goes what you put your favorite bible verse under your name for me just your name and then put your five favorite of our son alright did you think that okay sure well my favorite bible verse is Psalm 34 verse 8 says taste and see that the Lord is good happier those who take refuge in him that was my favorite verse but that night I forgot the verse I just blanked on it you know how sometimes you you know like sir when you dress today you know what I'm talking about it's like your brain isn't it's now work so I'm thinking I'm like oh that's it Psalms something I got to pick something and I saw I just have to make up a verse here so I did I picked on Psalm 38 verse 7 she's picked it out of thin air so I'm 38 7 okay I did it like an idiot I did them all that way Tim Hawkins so I'm 38 7 hope you enjoyed the show I'm driving home that night I'm like oh Lord I hope that was a good verse no lord could you change the scripture if it's not just for one night but he did not hear my prayer so I get home and I look up Psalm 38 verse 7 and to my horror it says lo I have a painful disease in my loins [Applause] Oh yuck it up thanks for the help what are there a billion verses in the Bible and I chose that one and I signed it a hundred times and sent it out in my own little mission field go take the word don't forget my loan problem build schools and hospitals because you know those people looked it up you know they did they probably made a big deal out of it come on here sit down kids sit down we'll read the third turn the TV off get over here here it is film 38-7 Shh it fit like Shh that's low I had a painful disease I shook his hand I shook his hand I shoot that whatever I do and I know I see looking you something you don't get that hello I have a painful disease in my line never gonna see that verse cross stitched on a pillow you

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 52,151

Rating: 4.932961 out of 5

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, comedy, Christian Comedy, Clean Comedy, Funny, Hilarious, Comedian Tim Hawkins, Full Show, Tim Hawkins Comedy, Stand-Up, Stand-Up Comedy

Id: Y7yDosZg-u0

Length: 21min 30sec (1290 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 04 2020