Tim Hawkins 2

I took my family to a movie last week I want to stay consistent with my history of making bad financial decisions to come to a movie cost a 60 bucks to get in the door that's before the snack bar and those whopper deals you get there kids like daddy we want something from the snack bar I'm like I'll go get some I don't care daddy we'll figure something out huh I'll start throwing papers or something folks I bought a box of goobers for four dollars at the movie four bucks for a box of goobers I did the math that's 23 cents of goober yes you are what you eat that's the deal there that one the bad part the bad part was when I got my drink I wanted to get two 44-ounce you know soda you know that's a large so I said the kid I said give me the 44 ounce soda five bucks no five bucks that's get a deal like that you usually got to go to Disney World and I am mr. frugal but I order 44-ounce undergoes sir on the kids sir um you can get for 25 cents more oh you could get a 64-ounce soda and it's free refills see some of you know where I'm going with it I'm gonna make a cultural statement right now if you're drinking 64 ounces of soda and you need a refill Kling Klang hear ye hear ye you're drinking too much soda quit while you still have a pancreas man if you can't poem your drink you need to get a smaller drink [Laughter] bring me a straw [Laughter] [Applause] it's too much yeah I'm not telling you what to do folks don't you hate that when people tell you what to do with your life you get my age aside my brothers like dude nein look at you you're pasty man you like lobby cuz you need to work on your core my what your core what am I an apple seeds in there somewhere I didn't know I had a core like no man you got to work you got to do crunches I've heard I got to do your crunches I did crunches for two weeks straight didn't help me those Nestle crunches delicious didn't help a bit and my kids I love the name of the home gyms that they have my kids bought me an AB lounge what are we gonna do Abba lounge what do we either one it works I'm up to three naps a day it's really rarely working out well I want to get the bicep hammock use my lazy boy recliner for tricep extensions yeah then my friend comes up to me he goes dude you got to do Tai there you got to do Thai but all my friends talk like that tie back I don't know ugalla dudes all that and I say what's Tae Bo he goes man tybo's like martial arts and aerobics put together it's awesome I'm like dude what's so great about Tae Bo goes man really since I started taking Thai there I feel like I can defend myself in a fight imagine fighting some guy doing Tae Bo agreed on dude [Applause] you pick the wrong guy [Applause] they'll run away he's going tae-bo give him away [Applause] yes you did I think I pulled a muscle when I did that tie though I don't know I just can't help myself I just love to eat love it I come up here and you have these white castle's Oh talk about a house of worship that is a wonderful place I know this wise going into White Castle always a good idea coming out of White Castle such a bad idea why is that if I walk out of there what we do that for is there a live animal in my stomach what's in there you drive dude I can't make a fist what am i chewing on it is that an onion group it's a gummy bear how'd that get in there you do some tada but it's great when you go to White Castle I'm singing songs to that place like I'm dreaming my god though just like the ones I used to know where the beef is stamen it gets me dreaming mmm my indigestion starts to grow I really dig those gut bombers they're not little fat but I don't care I'll be blowing onions in the in blowing out my brand-new underwear oh man then you leave the White Castle got to go to Krispy Kreme do they have Krispy Kreme Doughnuts here oh my goodness I don't care if they can't spell crispy or cream that place is the place you've had Krispy Kremes uns they're wonderful aren't they it's like eating a baby angel I don't even know what that joke means but you know what I'm talking about some of you know exactly what I'm talking about and in my time they have the Krispy Kremes store we can go and you can watch those Krispy Kremes being made uh uh God is so good that one is mine see that's my dream when I'm 40 I want to go to Krispy Kreme lay on that conveyor belt when it goes under that icing part just get a full body glazed would that be wonderful I can afford it I'll pay for it the old body glaze so that's a problem when you're almost 40 you can't really eat anything anymore my wife is like you know nothing can't drink real soda anymore I've got a drink diet mmm anybody here remember the first diet soda tab tab there's like carbonated epic AK you remember tap sure it's easy to lose weight when you dry heaving all the time like how's your tab it's great I've lost 30 pounds and my purpose of living and the feeling in my legs I cannot eat anything it real anymore can't eat real eggs mm-hmm got eat egg substitutes which freaks me out where are they getting those things what kind of chickens are popping up those with a little bad boys oh that's an egg substitute it's got a plastic shell look at that thing take it to room B can't drink regular milk anymore got a drink rice milk yeah rice milk how'd it get in that he had real small fingers I'm gonna do it till some of you get this Joe I'm milking a piece of rice ladies and gentlemen you come back in a year we'll have you a cup right smokin the worst is I can't eat bacon anymore Kenny I love bacon I put bacon in my cereal my wife's like I'll get you some bacon I'll go to the organic store and get you some bacon she goes the organic store she brings back this stuff called turkey bacon turkey bacon how is that possible the turkeys and a pig shacking up now or something what is going down on the farm folks gobble gobble oink oink I don't think so I'm open-minded but that ain't Christian right there that ain't right it's horrible let's herky bacon just lays flat when you cook it that ain't right Bacon's supposed to crinkle up when you cook it lays flat like eating a meat flavored fruit roll-up or something alright let me think where I'm gonna go next with you people no that's it I know see the thing is is I love candy too much it's just it's hard to resist you know that's why I love Halloween anybody here do Halloween okay it's just about getting candy admit tricks trick-or-treating just about getting candy the good candy not the bad candy remember getting bad candy when you went trick-or-treating like homemade popcorn balls here we get those why don't you eat it remember wax lips anybody ever get wax lips wasn't that a treat we eat that stuff and Friends like what's that I don't know what's it taste like it has no flavor whatsoever it's just getting bigger as I do it maybe the harlot you guys remember those wax bottles we used to have with that liquid what was that transmission fluid in there what was that just bring a knock him down just keep him coming no wonder we have health problems later in life we're drinking battery acid out of wax bottles oh the worst candy though is that Brown taffy in the orange wrapper uh-huh tasted like peanut butter and hair you remember that [Applause] and you ate it [Applause] because your dad ate all the good candy that's why you're eating that stuff you didn't have a choice anybody here to have a dad to clean them out of all the good candy when you brought it home wasn't that great you come down you take off your costume come down he's in a sugar coma down on the couch like Twix wrappers all over his body Jolly Ranchers stuck in his hair like I wonder who did that bring the brown taffy I guess I'll have to eat that ed candy I hated trick-or-treating I hated it cuz we lived in an older neighborhood my mom would take me trick-or-treating in our neighborhood an older folks know older folks are nice they just don't know what candy is you know what I'm sayin I used to get like hauls mentholyptus drops and bullion cubes and sucrets and those little red dental tablets she used to have to chew to see where you didn't brush stain your teeth red for like a year looks like you got punched in the mouth they didn't know what candy was and I just get this specialist stuff I'm like mommy what is this what yes my mom would always say the same thing what do you say what do you say to nice lady you messed up you need to get a clue what green beans ain't candy okay I hated Halloween but you know what the worst part about my Halloween's were is that I was a middle class or so we didn't get the nice plastic pumpkins plastic foam anybody here have to use your dad's old smelly pillowcase to collect candy wasn't that a treat like Bing bong just put something in the back I don't know what that smell is it's like Aqua Velva and something that's like old spice mixed with an armpit that's what my dad smelled like I don't care if I offended you Old Spice in an armpit it's kind of disgusting but kind of comforting old man you know Halloween know you've always asked me where I get my material from where'd you get your stuff huh say something funny your comedian say something funny no other profession deals with that you know you're a doctor take out my appendix right now your realtor come over when I'm not ready you're a lawyer and over here kids that fit sometimes don't they they just do I mean I'm I got four kids I'm just used to it we're we're broke let me be honest with you can't save money with kids kanya this summer I bought a five-dollar slip and slide for him got a $800 water bill don't you love it how reality smacks you in the face every once in a while but they get with the one I don't see what kids the kids I don't see I hear a lot of whining anybody here got kids that whine at all okay you bunch of liars and I look at kids like what do you have to whine about what no right nothing nothing my kids will find stuff to whine about you know this iPod only gets twenty five thousand saw now this is ridiculous bye I need more ticket kikikiki more what shoot man my daughter says I don't know I Potts - Big Daddy it's just too cumbersome iPod is too cumbersome anybody here remember jogging with a Walkman cassette player remember those days let's go for a run okay [Applause] then you get a portable CD player you had to run real smooth wouldn't skip huh take it easy I got Olivia newton-john in this bad boy you remember that stuff hi pods man huh 25 thought you guys remember 8-track tapes anybody in here yeah you're from Ohio you know exactly what I'm talking about remember eight tracks that were horrible you're lucky to get five songs on one of them Thanks and the tape would always break remember cassettes and 8-track tape but always break couldn't go download another one didn't have any money he had to fix it but you could fix those 8-track spin you little piece of tape it's kind of spliced it you were back in business of course it always had that warble in it now since you fixed it here if you leave me now you'll take away [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I just want you to stay [Laughter] and the bet you'd get used to it you remember that then you hear this song on the radio you're like that must be the new version good ol ipod yeah my kids make up stuff to whine about that's his what drives me crazy they'll invent things the other day I made my kids a full balanced breakfast you know on the side of the cereal box has the full balance bread I did that took me like two hours made that I like kids come eat you some breakfast daddy made you breakfast they go in and eat I go into my office a minute later I hear this Iranian what's going on what's wrong there's pop and the orange juice [Laughter] [Applause] what my gosh did I miss the meeting or something when was there a pulp choice I've done if you don't want pulp scoop it out yourself that's where pulp is like kryptonite to my kids you know when I want to be alone I go in my office put pulp around the door you got daddy [Applause] [Applause] Paul you got to be kidding me here's another example whining I took my kids to this theme park called Six Flags anybody here to that it's just theme park really fun took him there I spent half a grand in a day half a grand in a day and we're driving home that night the van I hear this in the backseat I'm like what seems to be the problem sweetie Billy's daddy took them to Disney World this week for a whole weight and we just got to get a fix back hey sweetie look at daddy jesus take the wheel take it from my hands cuz I cannot do this on my own you ever just think about doing that like let's just see what happens we're insured let's just go for it but how ungrateful is that really Disney World I say we make a new theme park will call it third-world sit him there for a couple weeks see if they don't come back a little more grateful take him to third-world daddy I want a happy meal he'll be happy to get a meal son keep walking daddy's still white in the Seven Dwarfs no that's a missionary and seven pygmies come on keep moving daddy Mickey Mouse no that's a giant rat rod [Music] he's gonna eat you I mean you love your kids though you do but sometimes you know you just I don't know the other day we were driving we saw this holiday in the sign outside says kids stay free on weekends [Applause] [Laughter] y'all just finished the joke in your own head right there if you be so kind we got him on Monday they were fine they were fine four kids my wife is just amazing and I she's she's been he's battling a winning fighter she's thriving in with breast cancer right now I know it's gonna be on the video and I don't mean to brag it drag you down but pray for her her name is Heather and she's doing really good and uh it's just been a weird year but and we want it to be over with but it's it's good it's going really well and she's gonna make it she's gonna be great so he was keep her in your prayers you know and some of you here tonight I don't know I think you were here for a reason I think that I don't know what it is I don't know but I guarantee there's at least one person here tonight that needed to be here you know it's good to cut loose and have fun every once in a while because life isn't you know life is tough it stinks sometimes but you know it's good to hang out and let loose every once in a while but I don't know people you know where do you get your material it's just really simple it's simple people are just goofy it's like every time my wife was pregnant expect almost ready to give birth you know people would come up to her women would come up to her and tell her what the child was gonna be like they knew they'd come out oh you're gonna have a boy how do you know well your caring in the front I'm no doctor where else is she gonna carry that thing back in her calf it's a girl twins and a boy oh I don't know me to judge people to some parents it's like they pre parent their kids the kids not even born yet and they're already trying to parent the kid you know these people who read to their children in the womb you know sit there once upon a time there were three bears Papa Bear mama bear and baby bear come on the kids in fluid what he probably hears this [Music] [Music] rippling huh kids like it's my mom Charlie Brown's teacher how'd I get stuck with this how about these parents you like play music for their kids in the womb what's that music for your kids in the womb like the kids going yeah I'd snap if I had fingers yet see that's the cool thing about it being a baby in the womb you get a new body part every day oh how many of these am I gonna get little babies yeah most babies are cute some babies you know just I don't know you don't judge me you know what I'm talking about they turn out fine but come on and you're like hey you don't know why the parents tannerite you hey it's a baby looks just like you all right I don't know you can get a work that early in life but you know I talked about GPS and technology I think the best the best technology I saw it was with the babies it was with our children that the ultrasound you all know what ultrasound is is where you can you know the sound waves and you know give you pictures of the child and it's just awesome and the weirdest thing was that each child that we had in the ultrasound what they did in the ultrasound that's what they did when they were born and that while like my first child my son in the ultrasound he was like when he was born he did that a lot my second child my daughter you know in the ultrasound she was like so she was born she took a lot of naps they might sure third child was born my son ultrasound he was like so he has allergies that's it thank you thank you ladies and gentlemen hey I'm gonna do a couple songs can I do a couple songs and we'll be done here come on man I think I enjoyed this time better than the last time I was here tell you true you guys last time I was here just you know and didn't you know wouldn't you know feelers didn't get when I was doing I don't think you're just gonna dumb yeah you're there remember that sir it's kind of a blank [Music] others do a lot of music but I get bored with it a lot a lot of songs are too long you know I'm talking about you're been in the car you're like oh gosh finish we understand what you're saying I get it you're Fergalicious good for you yay Chapter three a lot of songs are too long I think I think some songs would be one verse just one verse like a member Kenny Rogers song the gambler okay that was a question y'all have radios where you come from here's Kenny Rogers song the gambler in one verse right here on a warm summer's evening I met a man who played cards well but he died at the table and I want all of his money thank you not very funny but true I think the longest song in history was a song called the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by a guy named Gordon Lightfoot and I was like 98 verses I'm gonna try the unthinkable I'm gonna do the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in one verse for you here we go ready the story lives on telephone she went down and the people all died [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: BigSea757

Views: 2,648,009

Rating: 4.829535 out of 5

Keywords: Tim, Hawkins, Tim Hawkins, Comedy, Club, Funny, Laugh, Joke, Hiliarious, Humor, Clean, Christian, fitness, music, Bananas Comedy, Funny Bone, Clean Comedy, Clean Humor, Bananas, Hilarious, Hysterical, Comic, Entertainment, Entertaining, Witty, Clever, Christian Comedian, Family, Comedian, Amusing, Comical, Laughable, Merry, Joking, Clean Jokes

Id: _-0TN9w0fz8

Length: 31min 23sec (1883 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 11 2013