Comedian Tim Hawkins' Full Rockstar Show: Part 3

few months ago I turned 40 yeah I know believe because I'm hot my body is the Wunderland yeah turn 40 and now you know I just it's it's just terrible they don't warn you about stuff when you turn 40 like in health class about stuff you can't eat can't eat Krispy Kremes no more don't you love you have Krispy Kremes here I don't care if you can't spell crispy or cream right they're doing some wonderful work over there it's like eating a baby angel it's this corner I don't even know what that means but some of you know what I'm talking about scale get in there you little cherub ha I just won't slap my mama right now why do I feel this in my heart you know they're trying to make a sugar-free Krispy Kreme donut what's the point we have that it's called a bagel leave it alone mr. donut man I love Krispy Kreme we got a Krispy Kreme store in my hometown man and you can like watch him the makin the Krispy Kremes going by on that belt good that's my dream is to go to Krispy Kreme you lay on that conveyor belt when it goes under the icing part wouldn't that be wonderful just get a full body glaze wouldn't that be [Applause] I love that man you see when you're 40 I can't dry can't eat or drink anything normal anymore you know it's like I had got a drink diet soda instead of regular soda anybody here remember the first diet soda anybody a tab tab it's like carbonated epic AK you remember tab hey you're losing weight yeah I'm dry heaving all the time drink can't drink regular milk no more my doctor has me drinking rice milk yippee forgive you it's like rice milk how they get in that farmers got to have real small fingers I go [Applause] you come back November we'll have you half a cup okay over the worst is I can't have bacon no more oh I know I love bacon I brush my teeth with bacon if I could ain't it wonderful I just floss my wife's like you can't have regular bacon anymore oh I figured well I've got I'll find you some bacon you can eat yep you can't hit her she goes the organic storm brings back the stuff called turkey bacon and turkey bacon is horrible it's just flat when you cook it Bacon's are supposed to creakle up when you cook turkey bacon just plays flat it's like you're eating a meat flavored fruit roll-up for crying out it's wrong [Applause] it's just not right and my body's changing in ways they never warned you about man I'm getting these new eyebrows growing in feels like fiber-optic cable there's something growing in my head like honey I got guitar string growing out of my head out let's I got all this ear hair growing just out of my ear got ZZ Top in my ear hole now thanks Lord I see a lot of older guys you don't need a hearing aid you need a weedwacker that's what you need in your life be hearing dolby in no time soon verses i'm getting these back hairs growing all over here in my back it's just terrible yeah I know my kids are like daddy put on a shirt that's disgusting my wife's like what's wrong with you I don't know I'm turning into a hobbit I don't know where'd you go get me a comb precious need to catch some mojo I had to go the eye doctor I am been the eye doctor in 20 years man but I can't see so I went to the eye doctor it was horrible man and they well they had all these tests that you do and works were fine but they had this one test at the end which I never heard of it's called the glaucoma test could he shoot a puff of air into your eye I never heard of that doctors I get mr. Hawkins we're gonna do the glaucoma test on you now okay what we gonna do gonna put your chin in the rest you don't look through that hole and what we're gonna do and we're gonna shoot a puff of air into yeah I why we don't know is what they tell us to do in high school like all right you're the doctor like put my chin in the rest and like all right I look through the hole all right we're gonna do Oh [Applause] did I do it wrong do I have glaucoma [Applause] no you're fine he's your eyeball back it shot out in the parking lot oops that's the first time my life had a puff ergo into my body and out of my body at the same time yeah you don't need to read it that's exactly what happened not it they had opened a few windows at the eye doctor that day yes I saw am I getting older but you know I think that being a comedian I can do comedy for a long time and then still would look you know okay I think a lot of musicians I see like rock stars they need to quit after a while and I just doesn't look right you know I'm just saying but like if you're a musician though I say you know keep if you get older just keep singing but just change your songs you know make it look more believable no matter what group you are you know like the Village People change your song you know I got a letter from AIA Rp no matter who you are like Eric Clapton Eric Clapton's getting older he'll have to change his songs like [Music] when the day's begun but some of this on Rogaine if you got bald spot want to keep what you got Rogaine [Music] your hairs on its decline and you shine [Music] [Applause] no matter who you are like a Tom Petty Tom Petty's getting older it's time very good sir don't come in my yard no Lord [Music] you've ruined my lawn before whatever you kids are looking for right don't come in my yard [Music] [Applause] [Music] how about the who [Music] who the heck are you oh we can do this all night man but KC and the Sunshine Band girl to dance with you it's my favorite thing yeah but when I hit the floor I really feel the pain I need to put on my orthopedic shoes I'm gonna put on my beaded shoes don't buddy with you yeah [Applause] but Neil Diamond okay maybe not Neil Diamond getting older [Music] [Applause] jello again jello I always eat jello I love that she think you do and you make lunch great I can hardly wait jello [Music] who else to get an older man like the Eagles Eagles getting on this is what they're gonna sing here [Music] on the dark country highway cool wind in your hair warm smell of a corn dog rising up through the end you see a sign in the distance that says we are open all day and if you walk up to the entrance it's where you'll hear me on the greeter at Walmart California [Music] yeah I work the door at the superstore I hand out stickers it'll Walmart California where my vest is blue and my ears [Music] but no no collection like this would be complete as far as getting older would be Garth Brooks I think I would love to hear what garthe's gonna sing up into his 80s so I will finish this with Garth there we go [Music] my buddies and me well once wild and free now we doing so great we used to go down tear up the town and now we're all in bed by 8:00 [Music] our parties are fewer worship and insured [Music] [Applause] instead of our glass of champagne now when we get together we just talk about the weather all we ever do is complain because all my friends have hip replacements cuz they slipped and fell in their garage your basement where old and pale and our bones are frail yeah years ago we were stealing bases now we spend our time having wheelchair race his hello all my friend [Music] [Applause] replacement god bless you I just want to uh I want to dedicate tonight to the children huh because um because when I when I look into the eyes when I look into the eyes of a child what I see are those eye boogers in the corner and it just freaks me out I'm like how do you not feel that you howdy dude there's a bacon bit in your eye how do you not feel that flick it out there's a crouton in your eye hole flick it out you're gonna get black home on just just I wrote this as my kids grow older I'm just amazed at how creative they are and and they just they touch my hardest and then you know my little girl and my three little boys and and not too long ago my son who was I believe seven at the time wrote me a poem and he said and he said dad I want you to make a song out of this and I mean what are you gonna say you know I said well sure and he says I want you to do it in your show and I said no but as I read that little thing I realized that this is the heart of a seven-year-old boy and how he thinks and he is open himself up to me you a little caterpillar such a pretty caterpillar I know that you're gonna be a beautiful butterfly someday I don't know if that's gonna happen because I have decided to feature to the fire the fire they're gonna eat you up they don't care about you they're gonna eat you up now fireman Wow you gonna die [Applause] hey there little birdie [Music] you are so sweet [Music] I love you little birdie nothin when you twe twee twee and you know that I love it when you see but I see you have a broken wing so I'll pick a fire they're gonna eat you a little pal Oh baby you gonna eat you up now [Music] [Applause] Oh [Music] [Music] we're dusting eat you up now you sing by a fire fire I sing eat you up now you sing fire fire fire or eat you up now they eat you up now if you want now Oh [Music] they're gonna weed you a little care about you [Music] Wow [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 18,138

Rating: 4.9136691 out of 5

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, Comedy, Comedian, Stand-Up, Clean Comedy, Funny, Hilarious, Christian Comedy, Stand-Up Comedy, Comedian Tim Hawkins

Id: bTvSOzdPr3Q

Length: 19min 47sec (1187 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 13 2020