Tim Hawkins' Best Moments and Jokes: Parts 1,2 & 3: Volume 1

[Music] this man death should be a party death where is thy sting I'm afraid of death bring it not right now but meal that's right man you're gonna want to come to my funeral yeah I'm gonna put the fun in funeral be hard to be sad I got a big bowl of candy on my chest that's gonna help some people man people walking by my casket I can't believe you're gone I can't believe Smarties I love Smarties somebody takes two pieces I grab their arm to come on come to my funeral man there's gonna be dancing man I'm a music and a deejay hmm just throw your hands in the IAR and wave them like a ain't and they are oh come to my funeral man it's gonna be great there's gonna be a mosh pit yeah and don't just let me lay there get me involved pick me up let me crowd served a hand sanitizer in church anybody noticed that oh no at my church they have these two hand sanitizer stations right by the front door greeters that is not a good message people come in on Sunday how you doing nice to see y'all it's good to see you thanks for coming this you're gonna love it here we just love people you can just be yourself you can just be yourself we don't care we don't judge you we just love you sit back and whatever questions you have you let us know we'll let you know whatever we can do for you okay y'all newly married you've got four kids for kids that is amazing God we love kids here kids are like a little gift from God is what they are they're just wonderful little creatures that God gives us yeah where y'all from Arkansas okay that's it my wife that's that think we love to do we love to watch movies together we got this thing this Netflix you got Netflix y'all it's awesome man we watched all the time there's too much as we're watching too many movies cuz it starting to influence our arguments it's so strange she walks in the other day hey um did you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor are those your underwear on the bathroom floor I hope so that's a whole other conversation we need to have if it is I want to know did you leave right I don't what do you want for me I want the truth you can't handle the truth honey we live in a world where men leave their underwear on the bathroom floor and those underwear have to be picked up who's gonna do it you the kids I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom you weep over by Hanes you cursed my fruit of the looms you had that luxury you had the luxury of not knowing what I know that my laziness while tragic probably save lives and my undergarments while grotesque and incomprehensible to you saves lives you don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about it parties you want them on that floor you need them on that floor we men use words like boxers briefs whitey tighties do you use them as a punchline I wish you just say thank you lay beyond your way otherwise pick up your own underwear and stand to post either way I really don't care what you think you are entitled to did you leave you're done right I get well pick them up okay that's how we do it one foot Michigan Michigan the first joke I ever wrote was without a mission where you do weird things the discussion nation when it goes and what permission you from well but yeah hit me go - come on man our Michigan shaped like a hand I got my own built-in roadmap right here did you know that that's awesome because I'm writing a new book called things I don't care about [Applause] what do you about the right up there move down there for a while just move right back to the knuckle [Applause] [Applause] Knight from North Dakota from south nickel [Applause] from uh from Ohio right there other than the wooded area there [Applause] one time they stand up once there's a good reason that you know cific waters called you gotta wear a full-body wetsuit Kelly Slater didn't tell me you gotta zip it up in the back side jump in the water you guys realize you have the state right we went to a wide recently beautiful state Alya it's funny when we was like a family vacation reunion trip and so funny in the planning stages because I cam being heckled by a two-year-old we just shut him up hold it right there or something let's go let's get that taken care of maybe let me hear you little guy let's shut your mouth okay in a Christian way mean that yes come on man there's some beautiful stuff in the Bible there's some stuff in there you gotta admit it's not what we can call a family-friendly think about it there's a reason you don't see some of those illustrations in the Precious Moments Bible you don't see Cain and Abel in the precious moments the other in that precious so I got never understand parents who will paint Noah's Ark on their kids little kids bedroom walls it doesn't make sense Noah's arks a great story but it's just out there man it's like daddy what are you doing I'm painting Noah's Ark on your wall sweetheart my favorite story you know where God sends a worldwide flood to kill every living thing yeah it's awesome hey grab a brush and paint some screaming people on that rock for me just to make it rip it's gonna be great [Applause] look in the baby's room I painted the stoning of Stephen my parents used to pray this with me in the dark when I was a kid now I lay me down to sleep [Applause] if I die [Applause] before I will I fail all sweet dreams see in the morning maybe 5050 I can't guarantee anything oh and don't let the bedbugs bite Sycho the conflict-resolution tools they teach in marriage is ask questions when you have a disagreement don't you start spewing out what you think make it worse ask questions try to relate make it better I used that last week my wife and I got into a disagreement it got hot you got heated we started a fight I stopped myself right there start asking questions honey why are you being a psycho right now [Applause] men and women text differently like when men text something it's just a couple of words it uh send that's all I had to say I have nothing left guy them I'm tapped out right now when I get another thought I will send that out to you but right now just a couple of crickets playing racquetball up there yeah but women when women text what are you doing oh you look like a squirrel holding a nut [Applause] yeah I got a carriage return on your phone this is my text to her right here hello my darling how you doing a day send and that's when the floodgates open now I'm going to read you her response good I'm just so tired went to chiropractor I'm super tight through shoulders and mid-back so I loosen that up he said it sounds like my brain isn't shutting off for some reason I asked him if it would be from playing electronic games before bed he said probably so he said try that have a sip of wine before bed but I don't say good and next week come back try acupuncture smiley face I'm feeling very drag if its toes Jack and Stacy so Koopman in there have it Jackson played xbox before bed so he could have the same issues [Applause] so I text back okay actually was just okay that's all so I guess we do we have some home schoolers here tonight huh home schoolers no they good of course you know I was home-schooled so yeah and both my parents worked so it didn't where Lee well I was scared you weren't going to get that joke for a minute there your this guy has no payoff whatsoever no I was not homeschooled but my wife and I we have four kids and we do homeschool them and it's not that we don't like public school it's just that we're lazy we don't wanna get up early and take them that's really the reason and I'm not really the teacher I'm more of like the enforcer the principal you know only honey I'm going to Starbucks tell me when they need a whuppin okay you go get a latte so I tried to teach at home and I'm not very good I'm just not you know kid honey once you make daddy a sandwich huh give you home X I don't know hey kids pop quiz help daddy find his wallet okay I hate kids we got a guest speaker names dora the explorer' going in there daddy daddy's gonna go pay some bills that's right let's see it's tough homeschooling your kids man you get judged all the time a new homeschooling people know what I'm talking about the biggest criticism that you get is they don't give socialization we all cheer little dogs getting properly soon but then you go to public school what are you get in trouble for socializing it's the last thing they want you doing I don't know at home it's tough sometimes I use the TV but I can't let my kids watch certain shows just because they're just weird they're not educational Sesame Street that is not educational television ladies and gentlemen it's not what are we learning there near far [Laughter] my two-year-olds like daddy I get this come on [Applause] but you remember Sesame Street you never learned really anything did you remember that one game they did with the four squares and they had a kid in each square like one of these kids is doing his own thing come on can you tell which wanna come on I was real tough wasn't it the three kids skipping rope fourth get eating a squirrel [Laughter] they didn't get him but it is scary that's how long ago I walked in on my six-year-old son he was playing duck duck goose by himself I don't know what to do is like duck Duck Duck nut got gut gut chase himself around for like five minutes like honey I don't think the home school is working you get this kid socialized she is the better parent I've been a parent for a long time I ain't getting no better at it I threatened one of my kids with a mission trip the other day any parents of thought of that I will send you to Nigeria pal I promise you you're gonna learn some patience one way or another so you have a smart math you write a loin cloth before Stephanie Kanagawa terrible parent I don't have the tools to be a good parent you know I don't have a good whistle my dad you should have a good intimidating whistle he'd call you in six blocks away other people's kids would run around your kids giving her now [Applause] and enjoy the kids will come and have dogs and taxicabs right trying to be cool another cool that medical personnel it's hard to be cool in your 40s I used to go to cool places to Anna cool parties meet with cool people all I do is walk around my house and turn off lights black socks and boxers we're in a Snuggie carrying a can of whipped cream with me [Applause] three the older one lives here [Music] well unlike me [Music] you can't be cool with your forties people your buddy doesn't let you you ever get up from a nap to wake up the couch apples pass out that again when breeze I do not a shape I grunt for things that didn't used to ground for I don't want to get out of chairs is like daddy would you just clean it up a well that was the way people you guys I'm hearing some of this for the first time - that's fine I don't need oxygen I just need a whip cream can I have the laziest father ever I said this is one of my kids one time look you come upstairs when i text you you understand unfriend you unfriend you that's how you that's how you threaten my kids you take their technology away think about a parents kids that's how they know is technology they were raised in it nobody uses crayons anymore so on the computer remember crayons remember first day of school box of a hundred crowns colors it didn't even know existed Buffalo's lady morning coffee Baldy that's all let's go [Laughter] remember old art supplies used to use they don't use me remember tongue depressors and cotton balls and sugar cubes and paste you've ever tasted delicious take a Ritz cracker a second pate for a fine girl it's like holiday right here in Spock oh my gosh you just take away their technology it freaks them out my daughter she's addicted to it Danielle's Bangkok oh my son I would elect office eyes as I said Tom it's like Farooq assault from Willy Wonka no that's who I am to you doctor no I'm getting you the gift how about this so what's it these on your ears the David Copperfield I took my daughter's cellphone away the other day oh my gosh they did the trick I haven't seen her chin in a month me I took her cell phone away that was a trick oh it devastated her puppies on the Humane Society I don't care about me probably not your friend [Music] [Applause] [Music] print will be friendly I'm your father I'm here gonna press you I got lots of prints that's a thing in your 40s it's beautiful I don't care what people think about me I've used the word baggy for a while that's great to Breezy my armpits on something I clipped my toenails on airplanes people I drink straight from the milk jug when I'm in other people's houses I take you don't say if you don't mean it make yourself at home oh I will rearrange your furniture oh really hurts rug pillow where your yoga mat supreme I'm not here to impress this is the body I got I work out this is as good as I can do you know and on the same guy in my 40s that's the thing it's not fair I'm the same guy in my 40s as it was in the 20s 30s there's only a few differences gained a few pounds my hair's a little thinner and my nipples point sideways like a horse's eyes that's the only difference I'm ashamed to admit I'm a Christian man with nipples America east to west nation they talk to each other behind me yeah awesome right up to here I'm also right over then it just goes to the top all the way down and when you eat 40s there's no button there anymore call it what it is a couple that's what it is I'm afraid to look in there what's gonna be in there Chilean miner [Applause] I can't kick my poop things you guys have a big sporty butts here yeah I think the exporting the other day and I bought one of those lunar armor t-shirts sleek workout shirts that shows every contour your body because I'm an idiot I'm good on the mannequin I think we try it on ice but look at home I tried on him from the mirror like looks like I was smuggling a family of woodchucks I gotta watch [Applause] nine-one-one [Applause] my chest area [Applause] the gazelle sweetheart woodchuck it's not fair candy what you want to eat look I am the man of the house okay it's like you get open enough that you can afford food supposed to eat look we're the men I enter the man of house okay I paid the bills I take care of business I'm the man so why do I have to hide in a corner they need a stinking bowl of Lucky Charms I hear footsteps [Applause] my white bricks in water you will teach arms [Applause] don't you read the gas [Applause] [Music] McDonald's is not fair it's just so good now kids you think McDonald's is good now now wait here including ways we don't so good I think they use msg I think they're heating crack this is ridiculous you could hit it's too tempting what are they using that you ever goes of the drive-thru and McDonald's you try to psych yourself up and ordered something he'll think you can't do it I'm gonna get a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of grilled chicken salad and a bottom line we're gonna help you yeah give me a number one biggest size with some gravy a couple cinnamon rolls and defibrillator and the doctor's appointment you could get the fire hose to the shake machine and bullet in my car just fill her up way [Applause] all the time code I need that to the PC waters gonna make it all better it's gonna eat up all the bad food not impress anybody anymore that I know lady I kept on I'm hot I know I read your fishin thoughts I know what's going on like Andy I know ladies no Charlie reg with legs to give him some people call me the space cowboys and call me the gangster Bobby's [Applause] friends like do you need to work on your cage now I think they work for your cold what am I an apple see that's the thing I want to eat more than I want to ask you know I'll work on my abs and I'm chewing I'll just bear down but I need this this is what I need I'm working I need every bit of this all right I know I got three boys this is not fat and you got three people this is protective padding cuz they're coming at you in here it's it's Mme every day in my little girls are awesome my daughter the only thing with girls is you can't keep up with them when they tell a story it's always do fast the guy's a [ __ ] paper [Applause] gee the box here does his little boys with every Tolstoy boys slow motion like jazz too slow I need protective padding it's like my three boys and swear it's a paradox as my as my boys get younger the pain gets worse my oldest boy Milo's was 16 he's lived awaits he's got muscles he big boomy wrestle I have to try and I'm not saying good job I'm tapping out [Applause] why didn't you come I whistle for you why didn't you let 16 year-old comes in the kitchen the day they put you in the arm seats you could take it go ahead [Applause] did you see my dad built that you [ __ ] a context for well when you did I steal that pants fell down my leg neroli he comes in the other night he's got some in his hand so what's up they did it oh let me show you a lair salka airsoft that sounds like a nerf gun then [Applause] as I go 2,000 feet per second that's pretty aggressive was an area soft about that back should we fall to the well maker everybody said yeah airsoft name this thing or the area swap is the cloud be right up to heaven after taking the chilled shot to the head from one of these demon dots airsoft gun it's a pellet going to speed away airsoft she's an oil tea which you're soft but the worst doors to salute that no because you know and the reason it hurts so bad is because you don't know it it just not expecting that cuz there's just so sweet I was good my whole guy kiss the other night I was hugging his throat my beard day today you go beard I do I like your beard daddy is that a nose here [Music] I just tasted blood those hairs were connected to the brainstem we pulled it my foot but like that [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] mccartey today on the jawbreaker [Applause] [Laughter] was relaxed [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] it's real stuff I guess no the most dangerous animal in Africa and in the hippo they have there are more hippo attacks in Africa than any other animal think about that like the quickness of the for my so this is it if you call baby I don't why the hippo tried a trick I don't know maybe he was hungry breakfast ball all these people just came out and like tried to spray them into the large tray his tail turned to an 11-3 - gonna just push [Music] the reef I travel the travel huge Park so big it's like isn't it on visiting heads nice signs the devotion remind you where you parked well this church they have like fruits of the spirit I would just love to go there to Sunday just to see the parks we're compartment carbonate we parked in peace I told you self-control [Applause] [Music] it is great style church man I love the quirky ways that people pray that prayer is awesome for chelation here are these guys preying upon the source prayers and pray like that the source the Lord latest guidance direct us protect us watch over us guard us then you strap it up [Applause] but a Christian said that little silver fish on the back of the car Christmas we have these things for now I'll call the breath mints the Christian residence does that really effective really winning people to Christ for the Brethren really [Applause] I had my doubts when I smelled your minty fresh breath anyway which don't burn from my wall breathe on me Cristian bye [Applause] you have a problem though hip-hop hip-hop gets all the credit for the good dance moves we know that's not the truth all the good dance moves came from the farm turn the butter [Music] like a new bucket [Applause] [Applause] it's not managed actually open excuse answers Steven Tyler from Aerosmith as a Josh boy they messed up their house EOS I love the dog whisperer on my favorite show see you guys have an attorney sorry [Music] [Applause] [Applause] I can't trust dogs I can't trust anything that won't even great not be great boy did shoot over three years it's like Christian heckling when you think about it some Sundays you just yell out something your pastor would never expect you know like that's what you think you know what this time I'm not saying it's Christian it's just hilarious I am been married for 18 years now and thank you very much nine different women and it's been here's the other Heather's awesome movies love you Mary Big Sight she doesn't need me that's the thing she never leaves me I'm going with there pretty much that's right husbands you know what I'm talking about we just walk around the house it's like why are we here I feel like a catcher in t-ball yes I can't keep up with her mentally and that's the thing I can't ladies God has given you brains that you can do like eight or nine things at once you multitask which is men are like honey can you watch the kids for an hour try to make toast is gonna be popping up I need to bug his hand I can't think of all this rigmarole the ladies were not idiots it's like it's like late you can you talk to us not only you use your my laws you talk with your hands like we're kindergartner I need a box hit me hard [Applause] I didn't know it now I know [Applause] keep it and free money Wow my communications being notes you guys have wives that did that come on my favor the first week I got married I got left to a four page nasty note on the table I know it was bad looked in the trashcan there was a rough draft hello when she writes her notes believe it over the counter she signs them bring enough to do the family forest wisdom or anything I'm not I'm not a good dad I've been a father a long time I'm not good at it I threatened one of my kids with a mission trip the other day it's true my kids are too scared of me I'm not intimidating here's the first thing I don't think I don't have a cool whistle like my dad my dad you should have a cool whistle it was scary you can cause symptoms I've blocks away there we go I don't have that like you I'm saying it again I am I'm gonna time the older I'm getting dumber I do I buy things I don't even know if they work I've been wearing this Power Balance bracelet for a year I don't know if it works I'm afraid to take it off now I don't know what's a hat [Applause] let me get my bracelet on the counter all right about this watch here it's a it's the time that it's a water-wise you it says it's good up to 150 meters underwater y'all if I'm ever 150 meter - and it's not going to be my choice something horrible is happening [Music] you [Music]

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 30,965

Rating: 4.8215961 out of 5

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, Comedian Tim Hawkins, Christian Comedy, tim hawkins christian, clean comedian, stand up, clean jokes, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, christian comedian tim hawkins, christian comedian, tim hawkins comedy, best jokes, standup comedy, tim hawkins songs, tim hawkins christian curse words, tim hawkins chick fil a, christian standup, tim hawkins stand up, tim hawkins things you dont say to your wife, tim hawkins atheist camp songs, clean comedy

Id: WmLLOxix0K8

Length: 48min 26sec (2906 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 16 2020