Alternative Cuss Words - Tim Hawkins

[Music] it's time we had some Christian cuss words I don't think it's some of you are going with me and some of you aren't going with me on this one yeah trust me some Christian alternative cuss words that we could use when we needed them and everything would be okay because we knew it had the Holy stamp of approval so a while back and put out a Facebook post asking people for ideas of Christian cuss words like over 10,000 responses from you freaks now none of these is for me you can't put it on me over 10,000 from you bozos it took me two weeks to go through them and I whittled it down to about a hundred or so Christian alternative cuss words that you could use I haven't memorized it yet but I'd like to recite it for you right now so Christians just take these and cuss up a storm listen up here we go shucks rats gadzooks shizzle toot [Music] crapola which I guess is Spanish for crap Coppola you will step in trouble what's the worst crayon color ever hey who's got the crap ball overhead try to draw a tree trunk I need to stop taking my crap all [Applause] holy moly holy sneakin moley holy guacamole holy Mack oh holy cow holy smokes holy buckets bucket head turd you like turd don't you sir you're gonna be using you some turd Finn sticks fiddle-faddle flippin horse hockey horse pucky horse feathers horse patootie phooey bull Twinkie shut the front door [Applause] okay I didn't know was open criminy crime initely cripes good gravy good grief great googly-moogly great Caesar's ghost Ichi double hockey sticks [Applause] oh that guy bleep Danny - didn't Wow he is mad his one bleep and dudn't turn son of a biscuit son of a biscuit eater son of a Baptist preacher son of a bacon [ __ ] son of a nutcracker son of a motherless goat that's not even possible that is not biologically possible where's your mother shego [Applause] for heaven's sake for the love of Pete for pete's sake but crying out loud jumpin Jehosaphat jars offense mad calm down Jehoshaphat both feet on the ground J ho j ho deep breath jay ho rasa fra sera sera sera sera sera ah crud crud muffin hey y'all wake up mama wake up nothing you're gonna miss the curtain I said get here I love Mama's crud nothing tall glass of milk gonna tread nothin ain't no better way to start the day [Music] gee willikers mother of pearl Chuckie darn nurse farfegnugen cotton-pickin heavens to Betsy mylanta what the hey snot bull snot buggers not fartknocker [Laughter] Wow what does that mean who's at the door daddy some fartknocker tell him to go away now I said go away fartknocker we don't let you here he nearly here by the way is knocking partner shut the front door partner ring the bell next time hard knock happy [Applause] guess I'm a fart ringer now birth jeez Louise mother Francis Judas Priest Bob Saget Pat Sajak that's genius man that's my favorite one you stub your toe Alex Trebek what's going on what the Bob Barker whoa now I have a wink Martindale on my tongue booty shut your piehole would you use that sir shut your holy up pie on your hole shut your hole over the pot all right we'll cram a crud muffin right in your pie hole I will don't think I won't do you turd I will cram a muffin a crud muffin in your hole that is filled with pie right now and it's gonna be a full hole kiss my grits [Applause] malarkey doodoo caca bolshevik that was close closer than a fart knocker right there what gosh what the what what the devil wingnut digtal jackwagon hey shoot dang darn darn it dad burner deck name makan Sarna come found a dog on a dare blame and dadgum and dad glass deck and suck eggs that's all I have so far Christians take those cuts up a storm cuss let go in [Applause]

Channel: timhawkinscomedy

Views: 2,525,555

Rating: 4.9194012 out of 5

Keywords: clean comedy, christian cuss words, alternative cuss words, toot, jackwagon, crudmuffin, Tim Hawkins, Tim Hawkins Comedy, nutcracker

Id: aHGbKuZzq3E

Length: 7min 24sec (444 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 09 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/artyblues]

You can tell Joe is starting to self-censor since his kids were born

[u/Bellandora]

Toot!

[u/GreatGraySkwid]

My project manager likes to yell "Sons of Biscuits with eyes!"

I don't know why she has to specify the eyes, but it's always funny, to me...

[u/Atom-ant]

This is my ONE complaint with this pod. I want to share it with my kids because it's funny, and would be a good lesson for them in RP and engagement.