Comedian Tim Hawkins' Rockstar Show: Part 1

oh you had me at hello I'll tell you what me just a lot I I love it saying I love it saying I've seen weddings believe it or not watch y'all shut your mouth I had a fraid call me not too long ago he said dude I'm getting married I want you singing my wedding I'm like okay I'd be honored when you get married he goes in two weeks like well thanks for the heads up I said well what do you want he goes well my friend I wanted to sing he felt through so called you well flattered thank you I said okay when you want me to sing to the wedding goes well when the bride's walking down the aisle I want you to sing them you sure about that okay well what do you want me to sing he goes you pick yeah so what I was thinking half me is going no way the other half of me is like I can make this a wedding no one's ever gonna forget there's a lot of songs wouldn't go well very appropriate at a wedding we're walking down that got to do that won't be very appropriate heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend dirty from another you've been messing around that wouldn't be good at all [Music] she's my best friend's girl but she used to be mine that would be my lose a friend over that one oh there's worse but I still haven't found what I'm looking for you can't always get what you are but you can try sometimes you might find you get what you need who gives this one we're gonna cut that that's not going to be on the show all right well that's good I come down to this area I had some time to hang out and I had this I ate at this wonderful restaurant up there in Frisco IKEA yeah it's delicious I had to build my own table though that took a little time you guys been to Ikea you know okay we get it you're Swedish you're a Swedish company everything it's like everything else has it's a little Swedish name like it's not a table it's a movie conclusion I'll take the Mugen floor getting four student magoons please you think they'll fit my farfegnugen beauty here shooting the parking lot what is this restaurant Chipotle what's up with that now what are we just giving up on the human size portions of our burritos like yeah I take a laundry bag fill it with me that's what I want yeah I don't I don't want a tortilla I want to duvet cover huh you want this to go I'll get the dolly [Applause] so somewhere around here you have a Taco Bell Express you freaks need a punchline for that one what is your product you're in too big a hurry for regular Taco Bell 15 seconds is too long to wait for your tacos how fast do you want to acid reflux that's what I want to know how you gonna make Taco Bell faster shoot him out of a cannon as I Drive by Taco Bell Express I'd like to order I take a number two now [Applause] come on Julio I want some diarrhea let's go chop-chop let's skip the middleman let's go let's do this I love going down south eat man down south have some good restaurants like this Cracker Barrel yeah Oh down south man they're like ah we gonna take you to the barrel Timbo we're gonna treat you right at the barrel y'all have Cracker Barrel here it's not that great is it no it's not it's like you're eating at a garage sale for cryin out loud your stuff hanging all over the walls rusty farm equipment over your head can we get a table not directly into the horse castrator it's a thin thread right there I need some more golf tees in this triangular game I'm coming all 6 laptop an ignoramus the Cracker Barrel they got on they don't have omelets at the Cracker Barrell supposed to be this breakfast place I'm like yo I got no I got that that was my waitress she won't even chewing gum I don't know what like you ain't got homeless now what you think it's what you get y'all got some eggs you have a good egg you got some peppers and sausage and mushrooms yeah I think you can think outside the box for a little bit area sure we can work something out here kitty girl you a schematic if I have to all right I love southern waitresses at the Cracker Barrel man I'm just trying to order food I don't know what she's talking about you know I'm like how are the biscuits and gravy oh then they can want to slap your mama then I don't think I'm gonna get the biscuits and gravy being my mama's here at all that would be kind of awkward how are the pancakes all they make me want to hit you daddy with a baseball bat do you have a less violent menu I could take a look at I don't want to hurt anybody I just want some food that's what she said verbatim oh that make you want to slap your mama or the biscuits that good you like mama you might want to go out the car for a while yeah a couple more bites some won't have to throw down you know what I'm talking about these are delicious don't say I didn't warn you love fine I was in Mobile Alabama not long ago as at the airport now just waiting from a plane to come in looking out the window this guy didn't even know walks right up to me he's like man those planes sure do come in low don't they yeah it's called a landing Bubba that's what that is really no other way to do that like we're coming in for our perpendicular descent here okay get off if you're still alive that fly light man I think people think I'm a rock star all the time but dude you're rock star man oh you're like a rock star you can fly around a hawk like no dad I'm not a rock star he's weird well I'm no rock star believe me rock stars don't have to rent cars I do rock stars get picked up by a limo man you're never gonna see Mick Jagger lost in a Hertz parking lot okay where's before focus I think I pulled a muscle when I did there's me full focus I yeah I am no Rockstar man I gotta stay in motels motels not hotels motels you know there's a big difference in the hub y'all stayed at motels haven't you that people walking by every five minutes looking in your window because those curtains never come close enough together you're like a monkey at the zoo [Applause] I saw him at the Cracker Barrel um no I gotta I'm not a rock star right rock stars don't iron their own clothes I gotta iron my own clothes believe it or not I know rocks I hate our don't you hate ironing your clothes only cool thing about ironing your clothes does that sound it makes when you lift up the iron you aren't yeah you let the steam build up I always wondered if Darth Vader ever ironed his clothes Luke your shirt is ready Luke I'm Your Mother hahaha hey ironing clothes I bought an iron a couple years ago there was a warning on the back that said do not iron your clothes while wearing never been in that big a hurry ain't got time give me that thing [Applause] get the car kids daddy's ready bring me some ointment the worst motel I stayed in was a year ago santé Motel I looked there was a microwave oven on top of the toilet I'm gonna let that sink in for a bit did you hear what I just said microwave on top of the toilet what kind of function down here motel man I didn't go in there eat okay we're gonna make a pop tart then puppet art what are you going to do in that situation what's the next logical step [Applause] I need a napkin yeah I love drive around I get lost all the time in the car man but I hate asking people for directions you know I asked this old dude for directions in one time I didn't know what he was talking about like sir how far is it to that golf course hard it's about 20 miles as the crow flies well thanks Sitting Bull I appreciate your help one planning on taking the crow today how about as the man drives you got those coordinates slappy they just built this new skateboard park by my house and I don't know if you people have a skateboard park by your house but if you do you need to use it that's for the adults that's not for kids that's for you adults that's the most soothing experience ever let's go to the skate park and watch kids wipeout an hour after hour that's God's provision right there that's amazing try to get without the helmet he's gonna do it haha I skateboard in his 70s man skateboards were a lot smaller man it's like a tongue depressor with wheels remember those things my son was like dad used to skateboard oh did you do any sick tricks like yeah make it to the bottom of the hill without dying did you do an ollie no I did a folly she get hurt man see kids don't get hurt as much man they got elbow pads and helmets and lawyers I was kidding anybody here ever get the wind knocked out here when you were a kid and that the worst experience that human could have the crash on your bike or your skateboard get the wind knocked out it's not like a sick whale for 30 seconds and your friends will talk to you what happened did you get the wind knocked out yeah baby boy you must be a doctor you're good you want some water no air you idiot oh man I know this Christmas my daughter's gonna want a puppy oh I can't stand animals I don't like animal I just don't if I was Noah just be me and you right here right now you wouldn't be reading about know our could be a pontoon boat in a couple of jet skis but my daughter I know she's latched she wanted to be dachshund puppy hey we have no dachshund puppy in this house we having to fight for an hour we're going at it like honey I read dachshund puppies are terrible with children she goes you're terrible with children that may be true honey but daddy don't pee in the carpet just that one time and that's that's before I knew Jesus so that don't count at all here's the deal I think anybody with kids I don't care how many kids you have I think you just need help you know like that lady over there right now you need help I think if you got kids you do you just need help I don't need health care from the government I want a nanny I want the super nanny you ever seen the super nanny anybody seen that show it's the best show ever the super Nance where this English nanny comes over and helps these demonic possessed children from America and they're just like and she never loses her cool she's like no Thomas no we don't do that to me if you mean you're just not your mother l killed with a pot we don't do that I'm very disappointed Thomas I'm going to have to get hard you heard me ha I hate to do this to you but go sit on the naughty mat you heard me the naughty max I'm sitting at home going there's got to be more than that I mean is that where he sits will you find something to beat him with is that what you're talking about yeah I don't know how you were raised that was raising a little bit different than that my mom would tell me what she's gonna do to me I'm gonna beat the snot out of you you hear me I'm gonna beat the snot out of you I'm gonna hit your head so hard snot flies out of the front of your skull it's gonna be awesome when she was really mad she beat the living snot I'm gonna beat the living snot out of here your snots gonna have a respiratory system when I beat it out of your head she was right oh she was detailed I'm gonna spin your head off like a lid on a pickle jar I'm gonna take my leather belt with my name on I'm gonna beat you and brand you at the same time my mom you're the worst mommy in the world no I took second last year I'm going to first this year I won't have it I won't have observed Freight I won't have it I won't have it what what are you not gonna have it cheats Bank man one time she spanked me for something I didn't even do you think she apologized is that that's there's something you'll do later you say and I have a spank account think you're bouncing checks you weirdo

Channel: RandomAndysChannel

Views: 32,509

Rating: 4.8989472 out of 5

Keywords: Tim Hawkins, I'm No Rockstar, Comedy, Stand-Up, Funny, Hilarious, Christian Comedy, Full Tim Hawkins Show, Comedian Tim Hawkins, Stand-Up Comedy

Id: EQfZdjqUT_s

Length: 20min 0sec (1200 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 28 2020