TREVOR NOAH - Most Viewed Videos of 2020 (Various stand-up comedy special mashup)

The Daily Show host & stand-up comedian Trevor Noah - Most Viewed Standup videos of 2020. Clips include footage from full comedy specials. Trevor Noah Good credit, buy anything from African American Trevor Noah Sports In America from African American Trevor Noah The Stuff Donald Trump Says from Son Of Patricia on Netflix Trevor Noah Zambia Loves Escalators from It’s My Culture Trevor Noah Jokes About Deaf People from It’s My Culture Trevor Noah Just Escaped Slavery from Son Of Patricia on Netflix Trevor Noah Don’t Lose Your Accent / Learning Accents from Payback The Funny Trevor Noah My Mom Got Shot In The Head from It’s My Culture Trevor Noah It Makes No Sense from African American Trevor Noah Overbooking Business Class from Crazy Normal Other Trevor Noah full specials to check out include… The Daywalker, That’s Racist, Lost In Translation, Nation Wild Comedy, Afraid Of The Dark on Netflix, & There’s A Gupta On My Stoep - It's crazy, I'm loving it. Living the American life, trying to do it. It's just crazy, you know? I had to learn how to drive out here, which was fun. Also get a car, obviously, which I just almost couldn't get. You have to fill out forms, and then they want your credit, and in America, credit is very important. I don't understand the concept. I'm in the car dealership and there's this Asian gentleman helping me, and we're going through the forms. And he says, "So, how long, "how long have you lived in America for?" I said, I haven't, I haven't lived here for long. He said, "Oh, this no good for you. "This no good for you." I said, what do you mean? He said, "No, you can't, you cannot lease car in America "unless you've been here a long time, "because then you don't have credit, okay, you don't." I say, well, I've got the money to pay for it. He said, "Yeah, that's not the point, okay? "That's not the point, in America, okay, in this country, "we want credit, okay? "Our country focus on credit. "If you got good credit, you can buy anything. "We don't care about money, we want credit." I said, well credit is the assumption that you can pay back the money. He's like, "No, no, that don't count here, okay? "In our country, you have good credit, "you can buy anything, okay?" He's like, "Our country, our country." I was like, "Look, I hate to be rude, "but when you say our country, "do you mean our because you live here now, "or our because the Chinese own it?" And he was like, "Ah, it's, it's a bit of both, okay? "Yeah, but no credit for you, no car, okay, goodbye." Had to just buy myself a car, it was this horrible thing, drive around. That's the worst thing, driving in America, wow. On the other side of the road, you feel like a rebel until you see the other cars coming, and then it's not so much fun. Do you know how many times I did that? Just go into the wrong side. (Trevor yelling) And don't don't trust movies, it's not easy to do that whole thing. No, no people don't just drive and no, they stop. They just look at you and go, "What are you doing?" In the movies you drive past. "What are you doing?" Aren't you supposed to, no, they don't drive. They just wait for you to turn around. And then the streets are so small, you're doing one of those turns. Just watching them in your shame, just like, it's horrible. I had to practice for months, it was the worst. I remember I drove, I drove into a street once. I thought I had learned, it had been months I'd been doing it well. And then I turned into the wrong way, and I saw this little old Asian lady driving towards me. And I was like, no! And there's nobody else, so I swerved the car around. I was like woo, was like, yeah, hero. Then I drove and there are 50 cars coming this way. I was like, ah, you bitch. And I told, funny, I told my friend the story. I told him this, I was like, "Oh, this is what happened." And he was like, "Oh, that's so funny, man, "that's so funny." He's like, "Who was driving the car?" I said a little old Asian lady. And he's like, "Oh yeah, you can't say that, man. "You can't say that." Said, "What do you mean?" He's like, "Yeah, you can't, you can't say she's Asian." I said, "Why not?" He's like, "Yeah, 'cause that's that's racist." Said, "What, that she's Asian?" He's like, nah, nah, if she's a bad driver, and you say she's Asian, that's racist. I was just, "So let me get this straight. "Asians are not allowed to be called bad drivers? "Is this not racism in itself. "Everyone else is allowed the world of bad drivers. "But if I'm driving on the freeway behind an Asian person, "and they're swerving around and I go, there's bad driver, "you drive like crap. "And I pull up next to them, I'm like, oh no, sorry. "You're not a bad driver, you're just Asian, I'm sorry." Racism in itself. Just madness. So now what I had to do was get around using the GPS, decided to get one of those. First, I tried to be a cheapskate, I thought, oh, get a phone with the GPS. It was a horrible mistake. Bought myself one of those iPhones with Siri. Oh, your assistant, she talks to you, she listens to you. If you're American. She doesn't understand one word I say. I don't understand why. I speak English. I'm there talking to her, doom, doom, she's like, "What do you need?" I'm like, "Siri, please call Peter." You want pizza? No, no, no, no, no, cancel, cancel, Siri, I need Peter. You want pizza? No Siri, Siri, I want Peter, not pizza. You want pizza? No, no, no, Siri, what's going on here? You want to, Peter, Siri, Siri, Peter, Siri, Siri. You're not making sense. Siri, are you having an attitude? You tell me, I don't know what the hell is going on here. Siri, just listen to me. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Siri, just. (Trevor yelling) Bitch. (Trevor yelling) Dialing mom. What the hell? Just horrible. I had to buckle down and buy myself a real GPS to get me around, which has been working like a charm. If you don't have a GPS, you get yourself one. It's the best thing you'll ever do. Just don't make the mistake I made and buy it from Craigslist. I bought one off Craigslist, and the guy who sold it to me didn't tell me that it was a Spanish-language GPS, which is not so good. I didn't understand anything she says. Look, I still get around 'cause the arrows are in English, thank God. But otherwise, it was just horrible. And I hated it the first few days. And then, then I fell in love with her. She's just, you know, I don't understand why more Americans don't speak Spanish, it's such a sexy language. I'm sitting there and, like all the men in here, you want to feel like a man, you get yourself a Spanish GPS. Oh no, you don't understand, traffic never sounded sexier. I just punch in random destinations. And she guides me around, she's like, doom, doom, (speaking foreign language) And I'm just like (giggles). Aw, shucks, Tom, Tom. You say that all the time. She's just sexy, ya know? She just guides me around and it's beautiful. I love that, I'm going to learn Spanish because of that. I'm definitely, Spanish has gone up my list. I had a few languages, and Spanish, Spanish was like sixth language. I spoke four languages in South Africa, and then the fifth language was gonna be Japanese, and then Spanish. But now Spanish has gone up. Japanese I've had to pause 'cause of the earthquake. There's not that many of them traveling now. So it's sad, there's no one now. Just like walk around the streets, just, ya know? But Spanish has gone up. 'Cause I was getting good at Japanese, don't get me wrong. I was getting really good. And it's a great language. It's powerful, 'cause you speak Japanese from your chest. It makes you feel strong (Trevor grunting) Very strong. Whereas English, English, you speak from the head and the chest, you know? Do you know what I mean? You speak it head and chest. You wouldn't know this. You wouldn't know this if you listen to many coastal girls in America. Like I've been in places like California where women insist on speaking English from their nose, which is not the correct. Yeah, like, oh yeah, are you guys gonna like do it? And I was like there with Tiffany and we were talking. That's not the right way, you're not using your lungs. I know this because when I choked her, she sounded exactly the same. She's just there, and she like, "Oh my God, "you're like totally choking me right now "and I can't breathe, and this is so not on. "I am so gonna tweet about this. "This is like the worst thing ever. "Oh, I am so dying, OMG." You know, it's horrible, whereas Japanese is strong. Japanese you speak from the chest. A lot of the Americans are learning Chinese I've seen. Chinese, I see people, "You gotta learn Chinese. "They're taking over, Chinese. (speaking foreign language) "Chinese." It's too late to learn Chinese, it's over. No, it's true, it's true. 'Cause it's also one of the hardest languages in the world. I mean how do you learn Chinese now? They've got over 10,000 characters in their alphabet. Do you know this? 10,000 characters. That's, we've got 26 in English, and there's still people going, "What comes after Q?" 26, this is, you know, 10,000 they've got. That's super smart. Although they must have the worst "Sesame Street" in the world. Must suck being a Muppet in that country. I can see them on a Monday morning singing to the kids. (singing in foreign language) Five years later. (singing in foreign language) It's just horrible. Horrible. You guys love your sports out here. I've never seen more focus put on sports anywhere else in the world. Americans love their sports back to front. You analyze them, you worship them. You watch the game before the game, you watch the game after the game, you talk about what might happen in the game, you talk about what's happening in the game and then you talk about what happened in the game, and what could have and might have but didn't happen in the game. It's just the craziest thing I've seen in my life. It's all about statistics. Have you seen sports in America? Non-stop, guys just come out there, there's no time for smiles or anything, just come out. And ladies and gentlemen, welcome to it. It's the 2012 Miami Heat up against the OKC. This is the greatest final we've been waiting for in the NBA finals. LeBron James leading his team out here, averaging 30 points, a double, double, every single game. 10 points per game just in assists alone. This man is something else. 90% from the free throw line. He's just gone in. He's statistically gotten better, his team coming in with more Chris Bosh, coming in with more assists, really doing well in the last game. Just like, wha, wha, numbers, numbers, numbers, numbers. Stats, stats, stats. You guys know everything, every stat. Well, I mean, he's got four out of five. And I mean, if you look at that statistic alone, it looks like he should be, he should be getting forward. He should be. And then, and then, and then it's just crazy. You know, everything, you know everything. And then you switch over to like your business channels and your economy, and you're like, "What's happening in the economy this year, Bob?" "Well, nobody knows, I mean. (audience laughing) "Nobody knows, yeah. "We thought the housing market was coming up, "but it wasn't. "But, hey, I mean, that's, that's the economy. "You never know, right, you never know." "What about stocks?" "Well, I guess stocks they're up and down. "I don't really know, they're up and down. "They could go anywhere, those are stocks, we don't know." But the sports, you need to flip that around. Get the statistics in the economy, just relax in your sports, have fun. That's the sports I watch, is relaxed, like soccer. I'm a huge fan of soccer. Yeah, oh, there's some fans here? I love soccer 'cause it's chilled. You hear it in the commentators when a game is being played. There's no statistics at all. Game starts off, the whistle blows. And welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this majestic match. It's Spain playing against Germany. Oh and what a wonderful day it is. Look at the crowd, really excited. Oh, and the atmosphere's amazing, wonderful weather. The guys are just like, "Oh, yeah, John, you can feel it. "The players look great, it's wonderful." "What do you think's gonna happen today, Martin. "Oh, nobody knows. "I can't even remember "the last time I saw a game this good." Americans will remember. Americans will go back to the finest statistic. The last time a black man scored using his left hand jumping over a mixed race half Indian was in 1967. Like, "What?" This is madness. It's all about action in the sports, as well, ya know? As much action as possible. It's all about action in America. You guys are so action-focused, you will take the ball away from the other team if they do not give you enough action. I've never seen that in my life. That's a horrible way to bring people up, is go to the other team, you go, "Hey, you guys, you take the ball, "and you got 24 seconds to get the ball "in that net, 24 seconds. "And if you don't do it, we're gonna give the ball "to the other team, you hear me? "We're gonna give the ball to another team. "Yeah, we know there's a lot of black guys. "You try and get past them. "That's up to you, go!" 24 seconds, they go baaaaaa. "You guys, you try, you try." All about action, because America is different. It's different from the rest of the world. And you don't really know how different America is though until you get here. That's the one thing I will say. You think you know, but then when you land in America, in your airports, that's when you know this place is, yeah, this place is different. 'Cause American airports, unlike airports everywhere in the world, which have a certain level of joy and all-around happiness, American airports, they're like concentration camps. It's just, ya know, just people walking barefoot and single file. (audience cheering) Oh, it's no joke. There's even signs that say no jokes. You're like, really? It's just insane. You walk through those airports, and you have to do things in American airports you don't do anywhere else in the world, you know? Like you have to take your shoes off, shoes come off. And you don't know this as a foreigner, but they don't care. They're like, "You, take your shoes off." I'm like, "My what? "Your shoes, take them off!" I'm like why? "For safety, sir." "I'm keeping them on for your safety, my friend." You don't do this anywhere. I remember flying into Dubai one year, and as we get into the airports, this woman, an American woman started taking off her shoes. And those guys, I mean, you must understand when you're in the Middle East, as a woman, you're already a sin. And now to be taking your clothes off in public, these guys lost their minds. They were just like, "What are you doing, "what are you doing, you, what are you doing?" She's like, "I'm taking my clothes off." They're like, "No, no, no, no, what are you doing?" She's like, "I'm taking." "But why are you taking your clothes off?" She's like, "So the machine works." "No, no, this is machine, not your husband. "You don't need to get naked. "Put your clothes on and walk through, you whore." They were just, they were, you don't do it anywhere else. But then you come out here, you have to take off your shoes, and you have to take your jacket off to walk through the metal detector. And they are mean about it, they will shout to you. They're like, "You, take it off, take it off." And you don't know what to take off. You don't take it off anywhere else. So you don't know what to take off. Like, "You, take it off." Take what off, take it off, sir, take what off? "Take it off now!" What, your clothes, take them, my clothes? And like, you're standing there, this man shouting at you, telling you to take your clothes off. You feel like a child in a Catholic church. It's horrible, it's just, you're just standing there. I mean, I understand the need for security, but they don't need to shout at you. At least, if they tried to be nice, if they were, maybe if they chanted instead of shouting, instead of, "Take it off!" If they were like, take it off, take it off, take. You'd be like, yeah, woo, security, safe and sexy. (audience laughing) They don't. Just a harrowing experience as you come in. And the worst is when you have to go through passport control. As Americans, you don't feel the pain, but as a foreigner, it's a whole different game. As Americans, you walk through to the US citizens line, and they welcome you back like you were on some secret mission. Welcome home, sir. (audience applauding) When you're a foreigner, you have to wait in a super long line. And then they tease you, the line goes right to the front, and then it comes back, comes back. You finally get there and you have to wait for that. And you're standing there and the guys are like, "Sir, sir, come on, come on, sir, step forward, forward, "step forward, sir, step forward, forward. "Forward, back, back, behind the line, sir. "Back, get back, sir. "Get back." You're standing there and now you have to answer questions. Horrible, like you don't understand. It's this stress, you know? Standing there and you don't want to get any of the questions wrong, 'cause just like school, they'll send you back. So you stand there and you have to answer them into a microphone that's placed strategically low, almost so that you have to bow to the American as you answer every question of his. They ask you these questions, questions you feel like you know the answers to but when you're there. I mean I just handed the man my passport to which he replied, "Is this you?" Never before have I felt so much pressure to look like myself. I was like, I was younger then. It's horrible, and then he starts rattling them off. It's your first time in the United States of America, sir? Ah, yes. Your first time, sir, is that correct? Ah, yes. Sir, what is the duration of your visit out here? I'm going to be here for six months. Six months, sir, is that correct? (tapping mic) Yes. Sir, what is the purpose of your visit in the United States of America? I'm here for holiday. Holiday, sir? Yes. Which one? My one. Could you elaborate, sir? Holiday. Yeah, what do you mean holiday, sir? You know, like holiday, like, woo, woo, yeah, holiday. Holiday. You mean vacation, sir? Ah, battery, yes, of course. I love Mexican food, I love Mexican people. (audience cheering) I don't even know what it is, I think it's just people, we have a connection, ya know, I don't know. South Africans and Mexicans, something, people from shithole countries, we have this thing. (audience laughing) I still can't believe the things Donald Trump says. He's such a, for me, Donald Trump is an emotional paradox. I'm not gonna lie. Logically I can process him, emotionally, I struggle. On the one hand, I will admit, I wake up many days terrified at the notion that he's president of the most powerful nation in the world. But I also must admit, I wake up many days knowing he's gonna make me laugh. Yeah, there's terror and there's joy, and I don't know how to feel. You know what it feels like sometimes? It feels like there's a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth, but it's shaped like a penis. (audience laughing) Like I think I'm gonna die, but I know I'm gonna laugh. 'Cause you just look at everything that he does. The world we now live in because of him. Like you realize we're living through history. This will never happen in our lifetimes again. We're living through a time when we're all learning about the presidency at the same time as the president, that's never happened. How wild is that concept? You wake up everyday reading the news, and you're like, wow, I didn't know that. And somewhere at that exact same moment, he's reading the same news going, wow, me too. And nobody knows where it's gonna lead. Nobody knows what he's gonna do. All we know is that he wants his wall, he wants his wall. Donald Trump wants his wall. He needs $25 billion the last time he asked. He needs it from American taxpayers because Mexico is smart. That fell apart real quick. I remember how confident he was at the rallies. People cheering for him. He was like, "Folks, we're gonna build a wall. "We're gonna build a wall, folks. "Who's gonna pay, Mexico." And Mexico was like, "We ain't paying for shit, man. (audience cheering) "We might build it, but we're not gonna pay for it, man." And I don't know if you've been following the journey of the wall, but it's probably the best comedy on TV, right? Because now they've started building prototypes of the wall at the border, right, 'cause Donald Trump said he wants them to test the wall first. I don't know how you do that. Just like try again. And because this is the prototypes, Donald Trump now has specifications for the wall. He now says he wants the wall to be made out of concrete, but he also needs the wall to be see-through, all right? And the reason the president wants the wall to be see-through is because he said he's afraid that drug dealers from Mexico are gonna shoot bags of drugs over the wall. And it's gonna hit Americans on the head as they walk by. So he needs the wall to be see-through so that Americans can see the drugs coming and catch it. (audience laughing) Now, I'm not gonna lie, I don't know what a see-through wall is, but at this point I'm just worried that a contractor is gonna come along and trick the president. He's gonna take him to the border and be like, "There it is, Mr. Trump, your invisible wall." (audience cheering) And then just to make sure he buys it, he's gonna hire a troop of Mexican mimes to just be, "Oh my God, you can't get through it." It works. Like the mind of Donald Trump. Oh, the other idea he had for the wall was he said America should build the wall out of solar panels. That's what he said. He said, America should build the wall out of solar panels, because that way the wall would generate electricity and pay for itself, yeah. Now I'm not gonna lie, not gonna lie, that's a good idea. It's a good idea. Unless you know anything about solar panels, or the sun, or walls. Because the problem with that idea is that the sun is up, yeah? We all agree on that, we're still on the same page there, yeah? The sun is up, all right? A solar panel wall is not gonna work 'cause a wall is like this. So technically, it's facing down. So unless you have like a really swaggy sun, that's like, "Yeah, I shine real low, B," it's not gonna work for you. The only way it works is if you take your border solar panel and lean it at an angle to get the sun's rays, but if you do that, now you've just created a giant ramp for Mexicans to shoot into America. (Trevor yelling) The mind of Donald J. Trump. The J stands for Jesus, a lot of people don't know that. A lot of self-loathing going on there. And he's always going off to someone, right? He's always going off to someone. If it's not Mexicans, it's Muslims. If it's not Muslims, it's Africans from shithole countries. That one was my favorite, personally, because I am an African, and I've shat in a hole. I also liked it because people came up to me and asked me questions. There was one man who came up to me after a show really concerned. He was like, "Trevor, hey, hey, "could I ask you a question?" I said, yeah, go ahead, my friend. He said, "Trevor, I just wanted to know when Donald Trump "says all these horribly racist things, "do you sometimes just wanna you know, pack it up, "leave America, go back to South Africa, "and escape all this racism?" (audience laughing) I said, my friend, you don't go to South Africa to escape racism, that's where you go to stock up. Are you kidding me? That's the one thing that reminds me of home. Racism out here. Because we've got tons of racism in South Africa. And don't get me wrong, it's gotten a lot better. When I was growing up, we had apartheid, and you know, apartheid was basically the best racism in the world. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that to make, now you're gonna feel bad and be like, "Our racism was the best." No, it wasn't, it was good, but not the best. And I experienced a bunch of racism and everyone did. I never felt like it was a bad thing. Mostly because of my family. You know, my mother is a black woman, (indistinct) woman. My father's Swiss, from Switzerland. And them being a couple was against the law. And that was a problem for us living together. And so, we experienced a ton of racism. And in case you're wondering, yes, (indistinct) is one of the languages with the clicks in it. Right, (speaks foreign language). But not like in American movies, just so you know. Yeah, I've seen those movies where they have Africans and they're like. That's not a language. Yeah, even we watch those movies and we like, "I wonder what they are saying, yeah?" (audience laughing) Where are they from? I think they're from Cleveland. I did go to Zambia though, fantastic place, Zambia. Went there, visited the place, had a good time. While I was there, I had a chaperone who really made my trip. His name was Alinani, a sweet guy. And his job was to get me accustomed to the Zambian culture. And every day he'd give me a new piece of information. Some more interesting than others. Like one day he looks at me, he goes, "Trevor, you know, Zambia, "Zambia is a very, very conservative nation." I said, oh, okay, Ali. He says, "Yeah, so please stay away from profanity." Said, okay, I can do that. And I assumed he meant swearing. But I didn't say anything 'cause I wasn't sure if he meant a person or swearing, I wasn't like. No, no, no, because in Zambia, people have names like Profanity. That's how I laughed when I met Screwdriver. That's the same way I laughed. Yeah, because you see, in South Africa, we have African names you can translate, like Happiness, Blessing, Hope, those kinds of names, right? But then, in Zambia, people give their children names of everyday English words, anything. So like table, chair, car, house. Yeah, you see like this, you just have to get used to it. It's very hard, but you have to keep a straight face, which was difficult because I met a mechanic who had sons named Brake and Clutch. (audience laughing) And that was not, especially when Brake was running around causing chaos, and his dad was there like, "Stop it, Brake, stop it, Brake, stop it, stop it, Brake. And I was like, "Stop it, Brake." But you have to get used to it. It's a cultural thing and so you have to respect it. And the second warning Ali gave me was even stranger. We're driving through Lusaka, the capital. And Ali looks over at me in the car and he goes, "Trevor, you know here in Zambia, "we're a very God-loving nation." I said, oh, okay, Ali, that's a good thing to know. He says, "Yes, so while you are here, don't be gay." (audience laughing) Say what? He says, "I know it can be tempting sometimes, "but don't do it. "Don't be gay." Don't be gay? I've never been warned of this in my life, don't be gay. Hey, don't be gay, don't be gay. Don't be gay? Crazy, crazy warning to get. But then I found out why Ali was warning me. It turns out in Zambia, being gay is illegal. If you are found to be gay, you will be arrested and sent to prison for more than 30 years. Yeah, which is a bit of a weird punishment. (audience laughing) When you think about it. I mean, I'm not saying gay guys would enjoy prison. I'm just saying if I was gay, that's not the worst thing you could do to me. Be like, "You are going to jail." I'd be like, "Oh no." (audience laughing) Don't be gay. I couldn't believe this. Gay is a crime in Zambia, which got me thinking if gay is a crime, that means the police have to monitor it. They actually have to police gay, yeah. Which means in their police force, they have a gay division. It's a crime, it's a crime. So that means they've got a murder unit, they've got a robbery unit, a white-collar crimes unit. And then they've got a gay unit, yeah. They got a little G-unit in their police force that's responsible for all things gay. That must be the most fun police force to be in in the world. You get to go undercover, dress up really nice. Get in touch with your flamboyant side, have a good time. I bet the sergeant's there every morning briefing his detectives, "Good morning, detectives. "Welcome, everybody. "Today, we will be launching a sting operation. "We have just been informed of the fashion show "that will be taking place. "And as you know, the gays cannot resist the latest trends. "Therefore, we will be in full attendance to apprehend "each and every one of them. "Let us make sure we are here. "Detective Chipowa?" "Present." "Detective Table." "Present." "Detective Mongai." "Present." "I think he's in too deep." (audience laughing) How do you, how do you police gay? Do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets, you know? I mean, gay doesn't have a look, but maybe you've just got a bounce about you. Maybe you just have like a bit of pizazz, maybe, you know? Do the police pull up, it's like, "You over there. "What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf? (audience laughing) "Put your hands up. (audience laughing) "Turn around. "Don't tempt me, don't tempt me. "You're going to jail." (audience laughing) How do you police gay? Do they have roadblocks like for drunk driving? Do they have gay roadblocks? Just stopping people in their car. "Good evening, officer." "Good evening, sir. "License, please. "Thank you very much. "Mr. Stylish, huh? "Tell me, sir, have you been gay this evening?" "What, oh, no, no, I have not been a gay, no, no. "In fact, I don't gay at all, at all." "I see, not even one or two?" "No, no, no, no gays for me, no gays for me." "Okay, then tell me, sir, "(sniffs) what is that I can smell on your breath? "Is that balls?" (audience laughing) "No, no, no, no, I don't even eat chutney, no, no." "So you are not gay?" "No, not gay at all." "Then, sir, can you please blow into this? (audience laughing) Don't be gay. I was not gay while I was in Zambia so I had a good time. Went around, saw the people. The highlight of my trip came when on my day off, I asked Ali for suggestions. Ali said to me, "Maybe you should drive around Lusaka, "meet some of the people, just have a good time." Said, Ali, I want to do something special. He said, "Ah, okay, well in that case, "maybe you can go the mall. "And if you are lucky, maybe you can ride the escalators." (audience laughing) Say what? "Yeah, I'm not promising anything, "but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice." Said, escalators? "I know, mind-blowing, huh?" (audience laughing) I thought he was messing with me. Until I found out people in Zambia go to the mall just to ride the escalators. Seems ridiculous till you understand the backstory. When we were in Zambia, there were only five public escalators, five in the whole country. The first escalator was built in August. Not August 19, eh, eh, eh, eh. No, no, no, you guys remember August? August, August, August, August. You guys remember that? They built their first escalators ever, yeah. And so now it's all the rage, people go to the mall just to ride escalators. But now I don't want you to picture like some dusty village. That's not what Zambia is. It's a beautiful place, they're developing just as we are. They've got roads, they've got airports. They've got beautiful hotels, stunning shopping malls. They've got everything we've got, even faster internet. They just never had escalators. And now they started building them. And because of that, people go there, and they just spend a day riding escalators. (audience laughing) Dads will go home and fetch their kids, "Children, we are going to the mall." "To do what, Daddy?" "To do shopping." "Ugh." "And to ride the escalators!" "Yay!" We couldn't believe this, so we went to the mall, right? We get to the mall, the mall is empty. Escalators are packed. People are standing in lines, going around, doubling back on themselves. There's old people, young people, even couples. There were couples, guys that actually picked up women by saying, "I'm going to take you to the escalator, yeah." (audience laughing) "Oh, you're so fancy, eh?" (audience laughing) Escalators, some people didn't even know how to ride the escalators. Kids were easy, they just jumped on. Old people would panic. There was one guy who got on the escalator, and it was going up, and I guess to compensate for something in his mind, as it went up, he started leaning. (audience laughing) And he fell down. He was hurt so badly. Oh, oh, it was fantastic to watch. We spent like three hours doing this, just watching people riding escalators. And you know what, our patience paid off because in hour three, the most fantastic thing happened. A school brought a class of children to the mall, and their excursion was just to ride the escalators. Was magic. 30 kids, about five-years old, cutest things wearing their little black and white uniforms. And they're standing there together holding hands. And they were so excited. So just shining. Not from excitement, they had Vaseline. (audience laughing) And there's two teachers with the children. And they grab their hands on either end. And in a long train, they start to march through the mall. And as they do, they start singing at the top of their lungs, like little angels. ♪ Escalator, escalator, escalator ♪ ♪ Oh-oh, escalator ♪ ♪ Escalator ♪ It was the sweetest thing ever. People are waving at them, smiling. And these kids see the escalators and they lost their minds. These kids went crazy. They're not holding hands, they start screaming and running around, it looked like a zombie movie or something. It was like, they're jumping. But then you see the smiles on their faces, looks like the end of "Sarafina!" You're like, what the hell is going on here? These kids are screaming and having the time, they're jumping around doing cartwheels. The teacher can't control them, she's panicking. Like, "Hey, get back, get back, two by two, two by two." Two-by-two was one of the kids, I didn't know. She was like, "Two-by-two, next to me, "next to me, single file, single file." Other kids are still jumping, she can't control them. There's was one fat kid, he couldn't jump, so he just shook himself. (audience laughing) Escalator Escalator It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. It's like I had gone in a time machine to a time when escalators were new, brand new, and popular. So popular that people were taking pictures of the escalators using their iPhones. (audience laughing) "Chipiwa, technology, eh? "Who even thinks of these things, eh? "Can you imagine? "Hey, we are in the future now, moving stairs, huh?" "What are we going to see next? "I don't even know, I don't even know. "I wonder how it works, let me just check that. "Siri, how does an escalator work? (audience laughing) "Don't know, eh?" We don't celebrate our heroes enough in this country. So many of our heroes, we chastise them. We bring them down. It's jealousy, it's hatred, (indistinct). Heroes that we don't acknowledge, greats. After Nelson Mandela, we always go nobody else can live up to that. Yeah, but there's small levels of greatness. You don't even have to look far. For instance, our great sign language interpreter. (audience laughing) Thamsanqa Jantjie. The man who made it all happen. He was there, at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. A service that the whole world was watching. And because of that, the service was translated to everyone all over the world. Translated into all languages, including sign language. And so Jantjie was there translating for those who didn't understand. Unfortunately, he also didn't understand sign language, which is a small problem. A problem that he didn't let stop him, people. Where others see obstacles, he saw an opportunity. (audience laughing) People go, "He's a conman, he's a bloody, "how could he do something so deceitful?" Yeah, you gotta go, how could he do something so deceitful? That meant Jantjie showed something, he's a role model to the children, because he showed that you shouldn't listen to what people say you can or cannot do. If you believe in yourself, and you work hard enough, anything is possible. People told him his whole life, they're like, "Jantjie, you can't do sign language." He was like, "We'll see about that. (audience laughing) "Bitches." And he did it, he did sign language for the most powerful people in the world. Every single one of them, Jantjie was on that stage doing it, and doing it well. Nobody even suspected him, nobody. People were just like, he's doing his thing. People ask questions, where did he come from? Did he sneak, he didn't sneak in, he'd been the official sign language interpreter for the government for the last five years, yeah, official. For the last five, and apparently before this, people have complained. But obviously the complaints fell on deaf ears, so nothing was done about it. And so he just carried on. And now he was here, the biggest event of his life, signing for the world. Signing, just making it up, in the zone. Nobody suspect, I suspected, I suspected though, I did. No, no, I did, I did. Let me tell you why, let me tell you why. No, no, no, let me tell you why. Not because I know sign language, but because I know my president. And if there's one thing that's specific, is when Jacob Zuma reads his speech, right? Jacob Zuma reads his speech. He's a very deliberate man, he's very calm, very measured. Takes his time. The rhythm is the most important thing. And Jantjie didn't match his rhythm. I knew there was something wrong. You remember this, Zuma was there reading Mandela's Wikipedia page, right? (audience laughing) And while he was reading, Jantjie was doing totally different, like the rhythm was wrong. Zuma was there, like, "And thereafter, "Nelson Mandela. (audience laughing) "Went to Robben Island. (audience laughing) "For his imprison. (audience laughing) "ment term, and to. (audience laughing) "Filed for," the rhythm didn't match, right? Zuma was on page one, that guy was on like page 17, or something. It didn't match up at all. It's almost like Zuma was translating sign language for us, that's how slow it looked. "Can all, sorry I haven't practiced, guys." It didn't match up, none of it. But Jantjie did it, he stayed there in the face of adversity, and he fought. Yeah, he did sign language for everyone. We've gotta ask ourselves questions as well, as South Africans, we don't ask enough questions. For instance, did nobody think to ask him how he could speak every single language in the world? Every leader came from countries everywhere. They spoke in their language. Jantjie translated for everyone. (audience cheering) Did nobody stop to ask, even for a second, the president of Brazil is standing up there, "Nelson Mandela." (speaking foreign language) Jantjie was there. (audience laughing) Did no one say, "Hey, Jantjie, you can speak Portuguese?" "I'm in this zone, I'm in this zone. "I'm in the zone." Did nobody think to ask? He did sign language for everyone. The Ambassador of China was up there. (speaking foreign language) Jantjie was there on the side. (audience cheering) He just made it up. He made everything up, and he did a great job at it. He did a great job. But then like a true South African, he just, he just took it too far, he just. Enough wasn't enough, he just, you know, that's our problem in South Africa, that's all it is. We just, we don't know when to stop. We take it too far. You know, the same thing happens with tenders. All of these things. Guys are stealing houses and everything. I go guys, I understand you wanna steal, I understand that. I understand, but if you get a tender to build 10 houses, steal one, build nine. At least nine people have houses. Don't steal all the houses. Somebody's gonna notice, and then you can't steal more houses. But no, we want it all in South Africa. We take it one step too far. That's what Jantjie did. He had done it for everyone, he'd done a great job. The best fake sign language the world had ever seen. He'd gotten away with it too. Until Barack Obama came up to speak. This was a speech that was gonna be performed by the most powerful man in the free world. 90 million people watching that speech. This, my friends, is the point where you pack up your little bag of tricks. (audience laughing) And you call it a day. Not Jantjie. If I was Jantjie, that's where I would've called it quits. They say, "Hey, Jantjie, next one." "Who is it?" "Barack Obama, the whole world is watching this one." "Ah, no, sorry, guys, sorry. "Sorry, eh, my fingers are cramping. "I've lost my voice, sorry." Oh no, not Jantjie. They're like, "Barack," he's like, "I'm there." And he was. Doing sign language for Barack Obama. And they found out that while he was doing the sign language, he kept on using the same signs over and over again, right? The few real signs that he actually knew. And apparently, all he knew was four things. Four things that he kept on doing repeatedly. And those things, they asked afterwards real sign language interpreters. They found out he was doing this, right? Which means greetings, yeah, greetings. Kept on doing that. Another one he loved doing was circle, yeah, circle. One of his favorites was smoking. And every now and again, he'd go. (speaking gibberish) (audience laughing) That's all he did, over and over again. Can you imagine that? Nelson Mandela's memorial, Barack Obama pouring his heart out. There he is, Barack Hussein Obama. And Jantjie. (audience laughing) "As Americans, Nelson Mandela's a man that showed "that through peace, you could free not only the prisoner "but also the guard. "Nelson Mandela's a man, he's beyond a man, he's a legacy, "a legacy I could never aspire to be "but we could all look towards. "And for me, Nelson Mandela. (audience laughing) "Showed that sometimes in life you gotta go the hard way. "You gotta say the things that matter. "And always remember to do what counts. (audience laughing) "I could never be Nelson Mandela." Could you imagine how horrible it must have been for every single deaf person watching that speech? Imagine what it must've been like as a deaf person watching that at home, sitting there. That must have been the craziest thing they've ever seen in their lives. Deaf people just watching going, "Hello, hello. (audience laughing) "What, why is he talking about smoking? "Why is he talking about smoking? "Talk about Nelson Mandela. "No talking about smoke, talk about Nelson, what's wrong? "Why is he talking about, hello. "This is the worst speech, "there's something wrong with this guy. "Barack has a smoking problem, what the hell? "Talk about Mandela, this guy, what's wrong with him? "This is the worst speech, I can't listen anymore. "This is horrible, this is horrible. "Tell me when it's finished. "Can't do this, man." That speech must have been ridiculous. By the way, that's only the second time I've ever told a joke about deaf people ever. Only the second time. Told one joke when I was starting out in comedy. And then I stopped, because I believed you shouldn't make jokes about disabled people. It's the wrong thing to do, it's wrong, you know? And I never did it again, until one day, my life changed. I got asked to do a show in Sun City. I was asked to do a show. Sasol was organizing a going away party for the South African Paralympic team when they were going out to London. And so, they invited me, they said, "Trevor, we'd like you to come and do a show to perform for Amakrokokroko. (audience giggling) Oh, you forgot? You forgot that that's the name we gave our paralympic team. Not a nickname, that was our official name. We had (indistinct), Bafana Bafana, and Amakrokokroko. We called our paralympic athletes Amakrokokroko. Which means, the broken things. A bunch of kroks. That is the worst thing you can call a disabled person ever. Amakrokokroko, that is what we call. That's probably what Riva said to Oscar that night, that's the only thing I can think of. Don't you call, "Amakrokokroko." (Trevor yelling) (audience laughing) So anyway, I was doing a show for Amakrokokroko, right? And because I'm there, I did no jokes about disabled people, or anything that could be seen as offensive. I did nothing like that. And after the show, I was meeting some of the guys, everything went well. And one of the athletes came up to me, I'll never forget this till the day I die. Came up to me and he was partially deaf, and he introduced himself, and he was a fan, a great fan. He was like, "Hey, Trevor, Trevor. "Hey, man, how are you?" I said, "Hey, how you doing, buddy, how are you? "Good to meet you." "Yeah, man, great to meet you, I'm a big fan." I said, "Oh, thank you, thank you very much. "Thank you, thank you." He said, "Yeah, dude, like I love your stuff. "You know what, you need to have subtitles because you know, "sometimes I don't get it, 'cause I'm actually, "I'm partially deaf." I was like, "Oh, I didn't even notice, I didn't. "Yeah, yeah, it's cool, yeah, I didn't even notice. "I just thought you had an accent. "That's cool, man, nice to meet you. He said, "Yeah, yeah, that's cool, man. "I have a question, if you don't mind." Said, "Yeah, go ahead, go ahead." Said, "How come you never tell jokes about deaf people?" Said, "I'm sorry, what? "I don't tell jokes about deaf people." Said, "Yeah, how come you never tell jokes "about deaf people?" Said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Well, you tell jokes about everyone, "tall people, short people, black, white, everyone. "But I've never heard you tell a joke about deaf people. "Why?" (audience laughing) So you've never heard me. (audience laughing) Tell a joke about deaf people. "Yeah. "No, man, not like that, you stupid. "No, man, you're an idiot." Said, "No, dude, no, I don't make jokes about deaf people." He's like, "Yeah, why not?" I was like, "Because I can't. "I shouldn't make jokes about deaf people, "because if I did that, then deaf people would be hurt, "and they would be offended." "Why would we be hurt? "It's not like we don't know we're deaf." (audience laughing) "I thought I was protecting you." "Protecting us from what, from nothing. "We also want jokes. "We're deaf, yeah, we know we're different, "but we still want the same things." I was like, "Yeah, but do you know what's funny? "You say I must make jokes, right? "But even if you're cool with it, "you know who will complain? "People who can hear. "Yeah, they'll complain on your behalf, "'cause that's what people do, "they get offended for other people. "They'll be the ones going, 'Oh, Trevor Noah's an asshole, "'he made jokes about deaf people.'" "So? "Why do you care?" I said, "Because it hurts, it hurts." He's like, "Dude, you're a comedian, suck it up." (audience laughing) "It's easy for you." "No, dude, just make the joke. "If the jokes are funny, people will laugh, "and then we move on." I was like, "Yeah, you know what, you say that, "but then what do I do if they complain?" He's like, "Dude, if they complain, let 'em complain, okay? "You know what? "Go do the joke, go do the jokes, and then, and then, "if they complain, just do what I do." I was like, "What do you mean?" He's like, "Just don't listen." (audience laughing) One of the most fascinating things I read about recently, one of the most fascinating places was a place called Rochester, New York. Genuinely this blew my mind, where they had a city which was basically dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery, right? So black people who'd escaped the South, got into the North, were rehabilitated at this place. Frederick Douglas wrote many of his works there. The Suffragette Movement kicked off there. It's a powerful, powerful little place. And like I was reading these stories, and what they would do is, slaves would escape from the South, they'd make their way to the North, they would get to Rochester. The Underground Railroad would get them there. And then they would rehabilitate them, put them on boats, and send them to Canada, so that they could live free. And I was like that's, like it's a fascinating story for two reasons. One, to remind you that there were a lot of good people, white people out there, 'cause a lot of time, I get angry at white people. And then I'm like, no, no, there's good ones, calm down. (audience laughing) And the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black people to get back on boats. I think that's one of the most amazing stories I've ever read, because like do you know how convincing you'd have to be to convince someone who's just, like they've just escaped slavery. Think about that for a second. Somebody's just escaped slavery. They've made their way there, finally, all right? They wake up after one night of free sleep, and they walk out, and it's just like, "Hey man, I just wanna say thank you so much "for everything you did for me, man." "Well, you know what, my friend, nobody deserves to live "the way you lived, and I'm glad we got you out." "Thank you so much, I appreciate you brother." "Thank you, my friend, okay, all we gotta do now "is get you some paperwork, get you cleaned up, "and put you on a boat, get you to Canada, "and you can live a free life, "and everything's gonna be better. "Uh, I'm sorry, hold up, hold up, uh. (audience laughing) "Yeah, go, yeah, could you come again? "You, what did you say?" "Oh, I know the paperwork thing is weird, "but we gotta get you some, some, some identification." "Nah, nah, nah, you said something about a boat?" "Yeah, we're gonna get you on a boat "so you can get to Canada." "Yeah, yeah, nah, I don't, yeah, we don't do boats no more. "I don't know if you know our history, but me and my people, "we took a cruise one time, that shit didn't go so well. "So yeah, we gotta find another way to get to Canada, "if you don't mind." "But the boat is the best way "for us to get there from Rochester. "Yeah, that might be the best way for y'all, "But we gonna walk. "Hell, we can run, we can run real good. "We can run, but we ain't getting on no boat." "My friend, you gotta get on the boat." "Man, I ain't gotta do shit." "I just got free, imagine if I get on that boat, "on the other side, I'm in the same place. "What they gonna say to me, 'Why'd you get on that boat?' "'cause he was real nice. "Aw hell, no. "I ain't getting on no boat." "Well, you gotta, you gotta get on the boat though. "You gotta get, you're free now. "You gotta get over this." "Look, man, maybe one day in a few hundred years, "one of my descendants named Kanye West "will be over this shit, but I ain't over it right now. (audience laughing) "So I ain't getting on no boat." "We gotta get you on the boat, dammit." "I'm not getting on no boat." And that was the day the phrase, "Nigger, please" was invented. A white man turned and he was like, "Nigger, please, I need you on that boat." (audience laughing) And that story was passed down generation to generation, black person to black person, free man to free man. Saying, "That white man got down on his knees "and he said, 'Nigger, please.'" "Nigger, please?" "Nigger, please, I ain't never heard that phrase "before in my life, 'nigger, please.'" "Nigger, please," "Nigger, please." (audience laughing) I know, I know, that's probably a phrase Barack Obama used at least once in the White House. At least once. Like, "Mr. President, do you think Trump is because of you, "do think you caused this?" "Ah, nigger, please." (audience laughing) Just one time, one time, I know he used it. Actually, I had the pleasure of meeting President Obama while he was still in office. Probably one of the craziest experiences I've ever had in my life. (audience cheering) Yeah, I was. Came out of nowhere, came out of nowhere. I was at "The Daily Show." I was in my office and I got a phone call from the administration. And someone on the other end was like, "Hi, Trevor, would you like to interview "the President of the United States in the White House?" And I was like, "Ah, do you ask stupid questions?" I was like, of course I wanna meet the President of the United States, are you serious? And the day finally came, went to DC with my TV crew, and they set us up in a room which is literally opposite the Oval Office. We put all our cameras in place. All we're doing now is waiting for the president to arrive. So we're staring at the door with bated breath. And the reason we're staring is because they don't give you an exact time of the president's arrival, for his safety. All right, so they just give you a window, like the cable guy. (audience laughing) So we're all waiting there, listening to every footstep, every moment, and then he just popped in behind us, scared the shit out of everybody. Yeah, 'cause there's a secret door, but they don't tell you, again for safety. So we're staring at that door and all of a sudden he was like, "Hello." Everyone was like, "Ahhhh!" But I had a great time in the interview with him. He was really, really kind to everyone in the room. And then we turned off the cameras and I promise you, he became even nicer, we just had a conversation. I thought he was gonna leave, I mean, he's President of the United States, you've gotta go do something. And he just chilled for a bit, you know? And we spoke as human beings, and it went really well until he turned to me and he said, "Trevor, you know, "actually, I got a show I'm doing in a few weeks. "A little thing that I thought maybe "you'd wanna pop by and perform, if you don't mind." I said, "Mr. President, I would be honored. "You just let me know when and where. "What's the show gonna be for, sir?" He said, "Well, Trevor, I'm doing a little thing "for my aides, and I thought maybe you'd wanna be there." And I said, "I would love to, thank you, I'm sorry, "a show for what? He said, "For my aides, Trevor." I said, "You have AIDS?" (audience laughing) And then, and then he explained what he meant. And I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole, because I had just looked at the President of the United States and asked him if he had AIDS. (audience laughing) And you know what the worst thing is is that he was nice to me as well. 'Cause I said that and then he explained, and then I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. President. "I didn't mean that, I don't even know why I thought, "it's just like you said AIDS, and then like the AIDS." You know because here's the thing in my defense, in my defense, right, I get it now. He means aides as in the White House aides, the people who help the president, I get it now. But in my defense, where I'm from, AIDS is some other shit that doesn't help anybody. No one in Africa is walking around like, "Let me introduce you to my AIDS." (audience laughing) So now I'm here, and I'm frazzled, I'm like, "Mr. President, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that, "you don't have AIDS, you definitely. "And even if you did have AIDS, "there's nothing wrong with having AIDS. "There's no stigma, we can still be cool. "Actually, I don't even know why I'm saying this, "I'm so sorry. And he's like, "Trevor, Trevor, calm down, Trevor, Trevor, "Trevor, calm down. I was like, "I'm so sorry, Mr. President, I'm so sorry, "I shouldn't have said, I'm probably the dumbest person "you've ever met, Mr. President." He's like, "No, Trevor, Trevor." I said, "I'm the dumbest person you've ever met." He's like, "No, Trevor, "that's not true, I've met Trump." Get outta here! (audience cheering) So smooth. The newspapers say that, he's famous and our people treat you like you're famous. They start saying weird things to you. Strangest things people would say to me. "Trevor, Trevor, well done on everything, eh. "Congrats, congrats, but even though "you're going to America, don't forget us, all right? "Don't you forget us." I don't even know who you are. (audience laughing) People would say the weirdest things to me. You know what the number one thing people have said to me, number one thing? It's not good luck, it's, "Hey, Trevor, good luck over there, but whatever you do, "don't forget your accent, all right? "Yah, please, don't pull a Charlize on us, okay? "You keep your accent, man, make us proud." Everyone said that. "Trevor, bruh, eh, Trevor Noah, "yeah, (indistinct), you making us proud. "Yeah, man, you're doing big things for us, "but I can ask you a favor, don't lose your accent. "Don't lose your accent. "Yeah, when you come back from the States, "you might come back talking funny, okay? "Please, brother, if you lose your accent, don't come back." Did you just threaten me? What does that mean? If you lose your accent. How do you lose your accent? People make it sound like you gonna be walking down the street, and then just out of the blue, you'd be like. (audience laughing) My accent, I lost my accent. Where the hell, oh. Well, hello, no, that's not my accent. How are you gonna lose your accent? I was stressed now 'cause I don't want South Africans to think I'm not South African, I don't want them to think I've forgotten something. This is my home. Now I'm stressed coming home. I'm in the plane flying back to Johannesburg, and the whole time I'm just thinking, don't lose your accent, Trevor, don't lose your accent. Don't lose your accent, accent, accent, accent? Is that how I say accent? Accent, accent, accent, accent, accent, accent, accent, accent, accent. By the time I landed at O.R. Tambo, I was losing my mind. I liked walked in Arrivals, the woman was there, Customs, "Welcome back to South Africa, sir." I was like, "Yes, I'm back, same old Trevor." "Nothing changed." Like crazy. 'Cause I love accents, I really do, I love accents. I like learning languages, and so obviously, accents are a byproduct of that. I've learned over time, even if you can't learn a language, an accent is a great way to communicate with somebody in your own language whilst trying to bridge the gap. You learn somebody's accent, you communicate more effectively. The thing is though, you have to learn the accent in the right way. If you're gonna speak to someone in their accent, and you do it in the wrong way, you might come across as racist. You gotta be very careful about this. White people in South Africa often fall into this trap. (audience laughing) It happens at petrol stations quite a bit. See people driving in with their friends, talking normally, sitting in the car. "Oh, you know, sir, if we get all the numbers together, "marketing should be behind this. "It should be a breezer, you know, HR has stepped up, "and it's gonna be a great year. "And look, we try and make sure that it, "oh, sorry, hold on. "Hello, Bubba! "Eh, shop-shop man, please put (indistinct) full tank-y, eh? "95 unleaded, yah, also check at my tires, eh? "Pressure, pump-y, pump-y, not too much, eh? "2.2, okay, yah, good job-y. "Yeah, shop-shop, thank-y, boss." (audience laughing) Don't do that. He's a grown man, he's being pouring petrol his entire life. He knows what you need. Just talk to him like a normal human being. That's the thing people don't understand. Speak to him like a normal human being. I used to get so angry whenever I'd see white people changing their accent when they talk to black, I'd get so angry. I was like, are all white people racist, is that what it is? You're all racist? And then I learned, I learned, life taught me not to be so quick to judge. Yeah, I learned a valuable lesson. I was driving to Gold Reef City one day, into the backstage area, and the security guard came out to the boom, and he was like, "Hey, how are you, sir? "is your name on the list?" I said, "Yes, sir, how are you, Bubba? "My name is Trevor." He's like, "Okay, Chabal, Chabal, Chabal, Chabal." I said, "No, no, no, no, Trevor." He's like, "Oh, sorry, Chevel, Chevel, Chevel, Chevel." I said, "No, Trevor." "Cheva." "Trevor." "Chevel." "Trevor." "Chevel." (audience laughing) "Trevor." "Chevel." "Trevor." "Chevel." "Trevor." "Chevel, Chevel, Chevel, Chevel." "Trevor." "Chevel, Chevel, Chevel." "Trevor." "Chevel, Chevel." And now friend who was irritated, he just leans over me, and he's like, "Hey, Papa, TRE-vah." He was like, "Oh, TRE-vah. "Why you don't talk properly? (audience laughing) And then I understood, I understood, I finally understood what white people have been trying to do. I see, you're trying to communicate more effectively. You're trying to engage somebody, but understand this, understand this. When speaking to somebody in an accent, the number one rule to understand is an accent is not a measurement of intelligence, all right? An accent is just somebody speaking your language with the rules of theirs. That's all an accent is. So don't speak down to them, don't patronize them. Speak to them, the way you would to yourself. Just try and learn their accent. That's all it is, it's just another accent. Yeah, and I learned them, I learned them. I spend all my time learning accents, I try. (audience applauding) I try, I love it. I learn in restaurants, that's a safe place to start. You know, you learn, you read off the menu, you try and pronounce the words correctly. I was inspired by French restaurants, funny enough. Whenever I'd go to a French restaurant, I was always fascinated by the fact that people would order food in a French accent. I never understood why. Because they don't do it in any other restaurants. Only in French restaurants do people walk in, and then change their accent when they order. They come in talking normally, "You know, it's a wonderful thing, "you're really gonna enjoy it, it's so beautiful, yeah, "stunning, you have to, oh the dessert. "Oh, good evening, how are you, sir? "Yes, we'll have a bottle of water for the table, please. "And let's start off with, "could we get the sauvignon blanc, please? "Yes, and you know what, we definitely for mains, "gonna have the filet mignon. "And for dessert, we're gonna go with the creme brulee. "Thank you very much, thank you. "Oh, you're gonna love it." Like why are you doing that? I never understood, I was like why. 'Cause it's not like the French are gonna return the favor. There's no French people sitting in our restaurants in South Africa looking at the menu like, "So for the table we can order some starter portion, "we share something, no, okay. "Could we please have one serving of the (indistinct)." (audience laughing) That's not gonna happen. And it was a Sunday morning. I was in bed, still asleep, it was early, early in the morning. Maybe like nine or 10 o'clock. And the phone rings and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone. His name's Isaac, he's nine years old. So I answer the phone like, "Hello?" "Hello, hello, Trevor?" I say, "Hey, Isaac, what do you want?" "How are you?" (audience laughing) "I'm fine, thanks." "I'm also fine, thank you." "I'm fine, thanks, and how are you, Isaac?" "I'm fine, thanks, and how are you?" "I'm fine, thank you." "It's a pleasure. (audience laughing) "Ah, Trevor, are you busy?" "Yeah, sort of, sort of, why?" "No, 'cause mom's been shot. "I'm sorry, what?" "Yeah, mom's been shot and we're at the hospital. "Can you come?" "Mom's been, okay, what do you mean, okay, yeah, "of course I can come, which hospital, tell me that." And he tells me the hospital, I dropped the, can you come? Like he's too polite for his own good, he's too, he's like, can you come? Like what, I'm gonna have to slot 'shot mom' into my schedule? Just find, oh, coffee at two, and then PlayStation at one. Okay, mom, we'll try. Come on, can I come, of course I can come. I'm panicking, I jump out of bed, I'm running around. I'm trying to put my clothes on. Some things are backwards. I don't even notice, I don't even care. Grab the car keys, but I'm looking for the car keys. Running around and losing my mind. I jump into the car, into the streets, as soon as I get out of the gate, the tears start coming out. You can't even control it, you're just there driving, and then all of a sudden it's (sobbing). I'm driving, I'm trying to hold it back. I'm trying to hold it back, then I get to the traffic lights, the robot is red, and I just let it out. It just comes like, (sobbing). No, no, don't wash my window, no, no, ah, ah, ah, ah. Hey, ah, ah, no, hey. No, ah, ah (Trevor sobbing) (audience laughing) There I am driving to the hospital like a madman. I get there, jump out the car. My brother's standing there, the emergency section, I see him outside, he's just standing like nothing happened, looking around. I go, "Isaac, Isaac, what happened?" He's like, "Mom's going shot, she's inside." So I'm like, "Okay, are you okay?" He's like, "Mom was shot, not me." "No, that's not what I'm saying, you idiot, whatever. "I'm coming back." So I run inside, my mom's in the prep area. All the doctors are standing around her, there's blood everywhere. I'm looking at the doctors, and just by the way, doctors are not as good-looking as they are on those TV shows, eh? No, like they set the bar really high, 'cause I was shocked. I ran in, I was like, "What the hell, bleh." Sorry, sorry, that was inappropriate. What's happening here, guys? They're like, sir, you need to leave. I said I was sorry, come on, what's happening? Like, "No, sir, you can't be here, please leave." "Oh, whatever, okay, okay. So I go outside, the nurse comes to me. She's like, "Mr. Noah?" I said, "Yes, yes." "Okay, Mr. Noah, we've got your wife stabilized right now." I said, "My wife?" She said, "Yes, that's Mrs. Noah, right?" "Yes, yes, that's my mom." "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought." "Why would you think she's my, come on. "How old, you think I would, I mean, she's cool, "but I mean, like have you seen the girls, "I should show you the pictures, oh, well I'll show you "the pictures afterwards, what's going on?" She's like, "Okay, Mr. Noah, "your mom's just been stabilized, and we we're gonna have to "start thinking about surgery. "She's been shot in the head and she's been shot "in the lower buttocks region. "So this is a very serious thing. I'm like, "Yes, it is, okay, so what's happening?" "Well, we just found out that she doesn't have medical aid." Said, "What?" She says, "Yeah, she doesn't have medical aid." Now my mom always had medical aid, always. But now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago. I didn't know this. She canceled it because she never gets sick. You know those people, "I just never get sick. "I never get sick, Trevor. "I never ever, ever get sick. "I don't know why I have this, I never get sick." "Yes, but you didn't think of bullets." Now she's in the hospital, no medical aid. So I said to the nurse, "Well, what does this mean? She says, "Well, Mr. Noah, it means "we're gonna have to put her back in the ambulance "and send her to a public hospital." Said, "But she's bleeding now, you can't." She says, "I'm sorry, sir, that's all we can do. "She has to go to public hospital." Now I'm panicking, I mean, public hospital? Normally a good place to go. Normally, you know? But now what's happening is there's this just misadministration of funds, like money's going missing. You don't know what's happening. They don't have the right equipment. Now I'm picturing guys trying to fix my mom. There's the doctor, "Give me a scalpel." "We got a (indistinct)." (audience laughing) "Okay, bring it, at least there's a shifting, okay, "let's try something." I'm stressed. So I say, "Well, what do we do without medical aid?" She says, "Well, there's nothing, sir. Said, "What if I give you the money? She says, "Well, you don't know how much it'll cost, sir, "you can't, unless you give us your card, "and then we just work from there. Said, "Well, take my card, here's my credit card." She goes, "Sir, it can get very expensive." I said, "This is my mom, this is my mom. "Use the money, go." She goes, I'm like, "You're gonna can tell me it's expensive? "This is my mother we're talking about, you know?" I realized through all of this, I've just neglected my brother. He's been standing there the whole time with his big eyes. So, I'm like, "Hey, hey, Isaac, hey, hey, Isaac. "What's on your mind, man? "Are you okay, big boy?" He's like, "Trevor?" "Yes?" "Can I come to your house and play PlayStation later today?" (audience laughing) "How are you gonna ask me about PlayStation? "Your mom has just been shot. "You can't be asking me about, "what the hell is wrong with you, you stupid child. "You know what, you never gonna play PlayStation ever again. "Ever, no PlayStation for you ever in your life, "ever, go away. "Go sit down and think about what you just, "PlayStation you're gonna ask me. "How the hell is he gonna ask me about PlayStation?" The nurse comes back. She goes, "Okay, Mr. Noah, we just used 900 rand "for some blood tests." I'm like, "Okay, why are you telling me this?" "Yeah, 'cause it's 900." "This is my mom, use the money, go." She goes away. I'm like, "900 rand, how you gonna tell me about 900?" She comes back again, she's like, "Mr. Noah? "We need 2000 rand for some x-rays." "This is my mom, not a pair of jeans. "Use the money, go." She goes away. I'm like my mom's gonna die, asking me questions here. Busy asking me, my mom's gonna die, my mom's gonna die, that's what I'm saying. And I say it, my brother hears me. He starts crying. (Trevor sobbing) I'm like, "Isaac, I'm sorry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you okay, are you okay?" He says, "I'm not okay, you said I'm never gonna play "PlayStation ever in my life. (audience laughing) "And I gotta play Need for Speed, "and now I can't play PlayStation." I'm like, "You're still crying about PlayStation? "You have no right to cry, you hear me? "You shut up, stop crying, you can't cry about this. "You shut up." Now some woman comes out, she knows my mom's been shot. Now she thinks I'm telling my brother not to cry about my mom. She just gets involved, she's like, "Hey, you let him cry, okay? "You let him cry. "Some people express their pain in different ways. "You let him cry." I'm like, "I will not let him cry, lady. "I will not let him cry. "Many kids grow up without one, okay? "This is not even, it's fine. "Like he should go play in the park or something. "It's not a time to cry right now. "What the hell, you spoil your kids, that's your problem. "You should take it away from them "so that they can learn about life. "You and you, you both shut up, all of you, shut up." While I'm telling them this, the nurse comes back. She goes, "Mr. Noah, we're ready for surgery." I'm like, "So do the surgery." She says, "Yeah, but sir, this could get very expensive. "ICU and surgery." I'm like, lady, what is expensive? "This is my mother." She says, "Well, anywhere from like 20,000." "20,000 rand, this is my mum." "All the way to like 500,000 rand." (audience laughing) "Yo, but she's lived, eh? (audience laughing) "I mean, she's like what, 56, 57? "It's almost finished, I mean, ya know? "Even she says she's old, I mean, ya know? "And you said the bullet's in the head, "and ah, I mean the head, it's finished. "'Cause now that money, we need to pay for the funeral. "And we need to buy scones for everybody. "And this guy needs a PlayStation. "So I mean, I don't know if." She's like, "Sir, we need the go-ahead. "Otherwise we can't do anything." I said, "Okay, well, you know, use the card. "Just use the card, we'll handle the debts." She goes away. I'm stressed, 'cause I've seen this happen to people, go into a hospital, you don't have enough money. Use your credit card, next thing, you're in debt for years. And the person could die, yeah, the person dies. And when they die, the doctor doesn't give you your money back, no. No, he doesn't, yeah, 'cause he tried and that's all he has to do. You'll get there and be like, "Doctor, doctor, did you win?" Be like, "Wha-wha." (audience laughing) And your money's gone. That's all I was stressed about. But the most amazing thing happened. Turns out my mother wasn't that badly hurt. It was a miracle, really. The ass bullet didn't do much damage 'cause my family's gifted. (audience laughing) The head bullet didn't hit anything vital. Other than the head, obviously. But it missed her spinal cord, missed the nerves. Didn't touch the brain, went right through. Missed the eye, hit the eye socket, and so it deflected, and all it did was it cut a piece of her nostril off. Just one side. And the bullet went out clean, which means she didn't have to go in for intensive surgery. And her recovery was only a week. Yeah, a week. Which was fantastic because that means the bill was only 24,000 rand. (audience laughing) I mean, and she's alive, yes, but the bill was only 24,000 rand. That is great, really great, 'cause 25 was my cutoff. You laugh, but that's how much I've calculated I'm willing to pay my mom back for all the Ultra Mel custard I've consumed in my life. Everything else, none of my business, eh? Food, clothes, schooling, all of that stuff, I'm not paying. I hate it when parents say that to their kids, "You know how hard I have to work for your bloody school "and your clothes?" Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, I didn't ask to be born. That's your job. Please, you handle that. I asked for the Ultra Mel, we can keep a tab. (audience laughing) Don't involve me in your things. That's what I calculate, 25,000. Yeah, I would have been there 24,750, I would've been there. "That's fine, my man. "No, stop, no, you tried, you tried. "It's cool, no, you tried. "No just switch off there, switch off, switch off. "How much, 250 left? "We'll pop her drill or something, it's fine. "Just switch off there, you tried." Was fantastic, I told my mom about the 25, she laughed. She didn't know I was serious. And to show you what a crazy family we have, my mom's in the recovery ward, she's got those tubes in her, and everything, and the IV, and my brother's in the corner bored out of his mind, and my grandmother is another corner reading the Bible. And I'm holding my mom's hand and I'm crying, still crying. This is a week later, I'm still crying. (Trevor sobbing) I've been crying the whole week, but I've also been using this time to cry for other things in my life. No, 'cause as a man, you need to know when to cry. You loop it all together and you just cry at one time. Like we cry in bulk, you gotta understand. Don't just cry one, one, one, one, uh-uh. Cry in bulk. So, I'm crying for everything. (Trevor sobbing) And my mom looks at me, and she goes, "Shh, shh, Trevor, Trevor, shh, don't cry, baby." I said, "No, mom, I'm gonna cry, you were shot in the head." And she says, "No, no, no, no. "Look on the bright side." Said, "What bright side?" She says, "No, at least now because of my nose, "you're officially the best-looking person in the family." I was like, "Oh, by default." I just got back from Atlanta. It was 107 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah, hot, the worst thing is everyone comes up to me, and they go, "Well, you must be used to this, "being from Africa." No, I'm not. I'm from Africa, but that shit is hot. That was just, no. I was scared to go jogging 'cause I thought if I ran out in the street and fainted, wouldn't the local news love that? I'd be running and I'd fall down in the heat. They would have their vans reporting live. They'd be standing there going, "So hot in Atlanta, "even Africans are fainting." So I'm enjoying this. Really happy to be here, ya know? This is, this is gonna be good for us, I hope. I say I hope because I never know with stand-up comedy. It's just, you know, it's an awkward experience, I find. I'm always nervous. And I find comedy is very similar to sex for me. Well, it's exactly like sex when you think about it. With me, the comedian, playing the role of the man. And you, the audience, the role of the woman. Because it's my job to satisfy you. And you just have to sit there. (audience laughing) And then, just like sex, my success or failure will somehow be determined by how much noise you make during my performance. Which makes it a one-sided affair, I feel, ya know? Maybe you're the quiet type. I hope we have magic tonight. I hope we create something wonderful. I mean, for many of us, it's our first time together. And that means it might be awkward, I understand this. If that's the case, I want you to know that I'll look into your eyes, I'll see that I'm freaking you out, and I'll stop. I'll stop, and I'll flip you back over, and we'll go back to the simple stuff. (audience laughing) I've been in America for a few months now, and I'm really just thrown by the place. It's not what I expected at all. Different from the brochures and the pamphlets. There's many assumptions I had about America before I came here, and I've come to learn that those were wrong. For one, I just assumed people spoke English here. (audience laughing) Was far from it. It's not, you know what, it's not so much the language so much as the pronunciation of words that throws me off. It's just what Americans have done with the language. You guys have just, wow, you've just, you've done something. You put 22s on the English language. Just got rims, just pimp my language, that's what you've gone with, ya know? I don't understand, I was chatting to this woman downtown the other day. She came up to me, and she wanted me to see something. I don't know what though. She was like, "Oh my God, look over there." Said, "Look over what?" She's like, "Over there. "Look at that hair." And I said, "Her?" She's like, "No, her hair." "There's two of them?" (audience laughing) I understand nothing, even the small words, just the pronunciation, small things that get you by. For instance, I pronounce the opposite of uncle as aunt. I say my aunt. Out here, you say my ant, which to me is an insect, which made me like an ass when my friend told me his aunt died. (audience laughing) I was like, "So what, there's tons of those out there." What a great way to end a friendship. I couldn't get help the other day when searching for a battery for my remote control, 'cause that's what I say, battery, a small form of power. In America, you say battery, which to me is a different form of power. Sponsored by Chris Brown. (audience laughing) And you know what, I understand. We live on different sides of the globe. So it's fine, the language will evolve. This is something I've come to, but I hope I change one thing in your hearts forever, just one thing. And that is that animal in the wild that looks like a horse. It has black and white stripes. Yeah, do me a favor, from now on, please, it's not Z-bra, okay? It's Zeb-ra. (audience cheering) Just like it's not D-bra, it's Deb-ra. Same structure of word. Plus you cannot name them 'cause you do not have them. (audience laughing) Zebra. It's madness, everything out here is different. Do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here? You have to change everything. There's the measurement system, which is just, I mean, America, you guys have your own thing. The Imperial system, you know? On my side of the world, we use the metric system. And by my side, I mean the rest of the world. (audience laughing) Where the metric system, which is amongst other things, very efficient, it's a very simple process. You know, everything goes into each other. And out here you have Imperial, which is fine. I mean, I won't judge you if you want to be imaginary, that's up to you. But I just feel like there's some consistency that's needed. Small things, like for instance, when we abbreviate our small measurement, milligrams, we use M-G. Milligrams, M-G, milligrams. And you guys have ounces. Ounces, which you then abbreviate O-Z. There's no Z in the word ounces. I don't know. That's pale in comparison to what you've done with pounds. That for me. Please explain to me how the abbreviation for pounds became L-B-S. (audience laughing) L-B, pounds, I look like the idiot walking into the store going, "Could I please have the 2-labs bag of sugar?" Guy was like, "You mean pounds?" I said, "I don't see the P, no, I don't." Said, "Well, it means pounds." It's not L-B-S, lotta bullshit, that's what it stands for. This is horrible. (audience cheering) In fact, it's crazy, you do realize the Imperial system is so inefficient, that even American drug dealers have switched over to metric. Even drug dealers got to the point where they said, "We need some order, we're going with metric." (audience laughing) And I thought, I honestly thought this was an anomaly. I thought, you know what? This is just one of those things, it's a coincidence. But it's not, Americans do not care about abbreviation, nor the English language. They just, they don't give a damn. I learned this in the small things. Like for instance, when I was in Tennessee, I stumbled on an organization known as the Ku Klux Klan. You heard of them? Worst magic show ever. (audience laughing) Guy gave me a pamphlet, he was like, "Come and see the Grand Wizard. "Grand Wizard, the Grand." Didn't do one trick, not even one trick, I mean, I noticed a few black people disappear, but I mean, that's not magic. (audience laughing) That's just Reaganomics, I wasn't impressed by that. Like, where's the magic? I sat there forever. These guys running around in their sheets, "Yee-ha." The KKK, as they're affectionately known. Has nobody bothered to tell them ever that you do not spell clan with a K? Nobody, nobody, even in America, clan is spelled with a C. The Ku Klux Klan, they're the KKC, not the KKK. You realize that? Ku Klux Klan, the C. In fact, the name is wrong, the whole thing, the Ku Klux parts of it, that's just horrible, 'cause they got that, as you know, from ancient Greece. It was Kuklos Adelphon, meaning a circle of brothers. And that's how they got their name, they called themselves a Greek circle of brothers. Which is wrong for two reasons. One, if your sole purpose as an organization is to hate black people, don't you find it strange that you've now named yourself the circle of brothers. (audience cheering) And secondly, do they realize that in ancient Greece, circles of brothers were doing very different things with one another. Very loving, very, ya know, yeah. If they were really a Greek circle, the sheets would be a bit higher up, you know, just more of a, yeah, there'd be one more hole. We've been traveling all around the country now, it's been so much fun, you know? Out in places like PE, and Cape Town, and East London, and recently we went to Durban, which was a bit of a schlep for us. It was really hard because it was raining so much. And then on top of the flight delays that you have to contest with, there's also like overbooking, which is a problem. You know, I don't know if you know what overbooking is, but basically it's a legal process where, it's a practice rather, where airlines book more tickets than there are seats on the plane. So, they book more, sort of like a taxi. But then they don't let you get on when you get there. So they just hope you don't pitch up. It's like, "Please, please, ah, he's here." You know, that's what they do. And so, we're flying down to Durban, and it was the funniest thing ever. We're standing in the queue, everyone's all fidgety in the line, looking at their watches, and they call us forward. They're like, "Next, next, please, next, next, next." So we go to the counter and there's one of those women there with her glasses, and her relaxed hair, and (imitates keyboard clacking). And then she's like, "Can I have your ID, please?" IDs, everyone puts them down. She's like, "Where you flying?" And we're like, "Ah, Durban, please." She's like, "Durban. (audience laughing) "Durban?" (audience laughing) "Yes." (imitating keyboard clacking) "Are you flying now?" (audience laughing) "No, tomorrow, we just, it's a practice run." Are you flying? And we're like, "Yes, we need to fly now." "Okay," and then she starts typing frantically. Which I never understand, 'cause when I book my tickets, all I need to do is click. It's click, click, click, click, click, Jo, Jo, ah, that one, click, ah, Durban, that one, click. And then it does it all. And she's like. I bet she wasn't even busy doing our tickets anymore. She's just like there clicking. She probably on like Facebook or something there. Updating her status, "Yo, another one, another one is here. "I'm dead, dead, dead, dead, another one's here, "you're dead, dead, you overbooking. "Oh, poke back, dead, dead, you dead, "death by overbooking, yo. (audience laughing) Because of their faux pas, the airline is as kind as to upgrade us on the next flight to business class. They say, "We're sorry about what happened. "Here you go, business class." Oh, very, I love business class, you know? You get to go to a special lounge where everyone's very business-y, yes. No, it is, it is, 'cause when you're in business class, you hear, you overhear conversations, and they sound totally different, you know? You ever hear people saying things like, "Yes, well, the mergers are coming along. "I mean, if you look at the companies that are." You know, people walking around going, "Well, I mean, "if the numbers are right, then we'll definitely get that "stock portfolio going, and you know." People walking there, "No, I'm gonna cater the situation "to make sure that all the shareholders are happy, "and then we'll present to management. "And it's gonna be a keen installment." You know, you just, you hear like business-y kind of stuff. Whereas, when you're in economy, it's just like a huge group of people. You generally overhear conversations like, "I thought you put it in the bag. "You said you put it in the bag. "It was on the, I asked you, why is it not in the bag?" (audience laughing) Oh, wow. So we're going through the airports, and then we go through security, and I love security in South Africa. It is the most chilled-out security you will find anywhere in the world. It is, like South African security is just like, you know, we work on an honesty system in this country. The security guard, he's there to enforce, but it's more an honesty. It's like, look, it's up to you. This is the honesty place, where we all admit to our sins, come forward, come forward. Do you have anything to declare? You know, it's that type of place. Overseas, when you come through customs, it's the craziest thing ever, you gotta take off everything. You've got to take off your shoes, and you take off your belt, and you can't wear a jacket, or a hoodie, or a cap, or anything. You gotta take off your rings, and nothing, nothing, not even coins in your pocket. You know, you got like a big filling, then you're in trouble. (audience laughing) Then you're like, "But it's my teeth." And they're like, "Well, you're gonna have to do something, "you're gonna, you know?" And then like colored people are like, excuse me. (audience laughing) Aw. It's great, whereas in South Africa, I sometimes feel like these security guards don't actually know what their equipment does. You know, they're very chilled out about it, 'cause you'll walk through at airport security, and you get there, and the guy will be like, "Yeah, go to number four, number four." And then you go through and you stand there. And they guy will be waiting. He'll give you that bucket, and he'll be like, "What's in the bag?" Like, "What do you mean?" He's like, "Is that laptop?" "Yes." "Out, out, take it out, laptop out, out. "Please, put it by itself, nah, put there, yah. "Any other laptop?" You're like, "No, no, no, no." "Laptop out!" Like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay. "What did you do? (audience laughing) "Okay, there it is." "Okay." "And my gun?" "No, it's fine, it's fine, just the laptop. "Watching you." It's so much fun. And you walk through the metal detectors, which I swear either don't work or these people really don't understand them at all. 'Cause you'll walk through metal detectors, and it's not just at airports, no matter where they are in this country, you walk through a metal detector, a casino, a school, government institution, you'll walk in there, and then it'll just, it'll make that sound. But then I don't know if they know what that means. 'Cause you walk through and it'll be like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And you see how security guards smile, 'cause they get ready, 'cause they're gonna use the wand. They love the wand. They wait the whole day, "Yes, my time has arrived. "Excalibur, I call upon you." It's like, "What the hell is going on?" "Yeah, just stand there, yeah." Pulls out his wand, you know, his black one, he just pulls him out. Okay, it's not, I'm sorry, it doesn't really do that. It would be cool if it did though. Although it would be weird, it would be weird. For like some guy from the township to have a lightsaber. Wouldn't work at all, though, it wouldn't. Imagine, wouldn't be like Darth Vader would be like, "Brah Vader." (audience laughing) "Ah, brah V." (indistinct) It would have been the worst "Star Wars" ever if it was in South Africa, wouldn't it? Like the critical point, the moment that made the movie would never happen if it was in a township in South Africa, 'cause which guy from the township would claim a child after that many years? Guy would be like. "Luke." "Yes, what is it?" "No, look there, it's your father." (audience laughing) But it wasn't, it wasn't, okay, sorry, I digress, the wand, the wand, the wand. Sorry, comes out with the wand. And they always do that thing, you know, they go around. And we don't know what it's supposed to do, or not, ya know? "Any weapons?" "What was that for? "Even if I had something, I'm not gonna tell you now. "Obviously, you have been defeated." "Any weapons?" "No." "Oh, okay." And that's it. We like work on the honesty system in this country. Everywhere you go, like I'd like to meet the genius who invented the honesty book. Ah, yes, the honesty book. Yes, the book of truth. No one can lie when they write in this book. Whenever you visit someone at a townhouse or office complex, we have the book of truth. Fill in the book before you enter. Name, ah, yes, surname, mm-hmm-mm. Phone number and address, reason for visit. PVT, we'll just do that, look at everyone else, PVT, PVT, PVT, PVT. "PVT?" And once I asked the security guard, I was like, "What's the point of this? "Why am I filling in this book?" He's like, "No, it's for security reasons." "Yes, I figured that much, but what is it about?" He's like, "It's so that if you can do anything bad "inside there, if maybe you can steal, or kill someone, "then we can find you." (audience laughing) "Ah, of course, because I wrote my real name and surname." The honest killer strikes again. It's just ridiculous. I was like, "Okay, and then I kill someone, "and then what are you gonna do?" He's like, "Then you sit there, "we can just phone and tell you you must come back." Yeah, same time. Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure to subscribe to my channel so you can win cool prizes, and by prizes, I mean, surprise. (record scratching) There's no prizes, it's a free YouTube video, you greedy. Just click the video, man. (bell dinging) Why you want free things on free things?

Channel: Trevor Noah

Views: 1,366,809

Rating: 4.8178558 out of 5

Keywords: Trevor Noah, Trevor Noah Stand Up, Trevor Noah Comedy Special, Trevor Noah Comedy Central, The Daily Show, Comedy Central, Stand Up, It's My Culture, The Daily Show Trevor Noah, Comedian, South African, Son Of Patricia, That's Racist, African American, Lost In Translation, There's A Gupta On My Stoep, Long Video, Between the scenes, Trevor Noah Full Special, Netflix, Standup Comedy, African Comedian, Best Of Trevor Noah, Most Viewed, 2020, Quarantine, Pandemic, Playlist, Lockdown

Id: tcqiJAqjoxE

Length: 96min 14sec (5774 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 29 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/bridgetothewild]

I didn't realize reddit was the new YouTube