Best of the Worst: Black Spine Raffle

oh whoa [Music] hi mike oh hi rich come on up hi mike what's going on why rich if you'll notice i have a bunch of vhs tapes with nothing on their spines what but that's not true there's there's numbers on there oh right there are numbers on the black spines which correspond to the ping-pong balls i'm very confused right now let me explain okay the numbers on the balls correspond to the numbers on the tapes i spin the raffle drum like so and then i just grab a tape you grab a ball which has a number that corresponds to the tape why don't i just grab a tape because you grab a ball which corresponds to a number on the tape and so that way i extra don't know what's on the tape correct [Laughter] it's black spine bingo but don't i need a bingo card it's a black spine raffle you're up rich oh okay okay and away we go [Applause] select a ball close your eyes though i'm closing my eyes i wouldn't want you to cheat even though you don't know what any of the tapes are or what numbers correspond to what i wouldn't want you to cheat okay i'm gonna close my eyes um training gun dogs with deller smith pick a [ __ ] ball oh number two why number two that's the best one of them all the self levitation video why that's one way to lose weight what are you the [ __ ] keeper i don't know my voice has changed i can't explain why let's go watch the self levitation video come on [Music] how the [ __ ] hello i'm mike maxwell and welcome to the self-levitation video for centuries magicians have sought to create the perfect illusion of self-levitation and many elegant and deceptive methods have been created culminating with david copperfield's incredible the only illusion here is his hair before i get into the real work behind david roth's presentation of the balducci levitation how much can you talk about you stand on one foot simple simple we got it had an interesting method what he would do is turn around and grab his pant legs he would perform the illusion pulling up on the pant legs making it seem as though he pulled himself up by the pants another way you can do it is as an impossible stunt why hello nin could have sworn his name was tim hi mike hello you know why you're here today don't you yeah black spines black spine raffle i've never won raffles well today everyone's a loser can i spin it this time no not sure why now yeah there you go i'll hold it down while you've retrieved centrifugal force no one's ever done that all right you choose the fate of our second tape 18 lucky 18 what do we have it's gonna buy cigarettes it's a blank a true blank mystery awaits let's go hello there and thank you for your purchase of therapy plus we've prepared this instructional tape so that you can send a syringe to maximize the effectiveness of your therapy do you have a problem with pain yeah is it some sort of anal probe what are we looking at it adjusts so that you can work it wherever you feel oh no you [ __ ] and that's why we have prepared for you this tape with dr james mackelheim don't you know about this product that's still in use today it wasn't some scam from the 90s that cured you of your pain i got one in my car the design of the single roller makes it extremely effective for self-treatment it has the capability to be he strained when he was talking just bending it yeah that's not a good size he has to have a rigid joint you'll find out the real reason why they made this video in about 10 seconds okay oh no there's gonna be like a young woman that he tested on isn't there we will deal with specific areas oh no remember therapy plus is usually applied by yourself however for the purpose of this instructional tape i will demonstrate the correct use here we go i can't even give her a shirt they're not even trying to hide it [Music] why hello jay what 12. you want your coffee guess he doesn't want his coffee [Music] did you watch your coffee the abc of safety part one [Music] shaking for kids safety for kids we make learning safety fun safety for kids safety for kids come along everyone what if there are more than four kids [Music] safety five kids hi mr roger thanks for spending some time with us today pleasure to meet you marissa so how long have you been a school bus driver i have been a school bus driver for about 33 years and it's been a pleasure working with the children for those years this month today but they made me do this i mean this guy is definitely a real school bus driver because children forget to use the handrail which is dangerous they horse play push and all i just picture this guy shut the [ __ ] shut the up up you kids don't sit your [ __ ] fat asses down i swear to god i'm just right off a cliff i hate my life i'm gonna drop you off at 42nd and broadway let the pimps have answered you know this guy's a huge [ __ ] [ __ ] so basically he was fired for being such an [ __ ] and this is a bit of his public service oh like you have to do this no pension no school bus pension for you well i shall do the fourth tape then 22 22 [Music] armed robbery is it worth your life yay hey everybody we're going to watch armed robbery this whole thing was a disastrous [Music] [Music] the behringer line yeah it's 3.92 but i'm gonna just take it what is this man you you sticking me up you got it stopping the tail nobody gets hurt no way man i woke up with this money 10 12 hours a day you got no right coming in shut up and open the door i said no man this is my money stop it stop being crazy hey no no i said no we're getting nothing don't use this don't use this jim run call cops not jim [Music] i guess you did it but if you need help the washington state department of labor and industry stands ready to assist you your local police department is also available with additional information and advice if you need help from any of us don't hesitate to ask making your job easier and safer is the reason we're here excuse me i'm going to get one of those sandwiches i've been thinking about these sandwiches so at some point like like theoretically at some point we've just watched all of the things right uh i mean on a long enough timeline we won't live to be that long but i'm a forever optimist rich and i feel someday we'll find another golden treasure hey i think i think in this example we did our little gimmick and then we said let's keep going and then when we kept going we found something interesting well what's not great is our first video [Laughter] which is i literally don't remember oh my god what our first what is your first video levitation a class and levitation well you were right then it's not great [Laughter] murphy's magic supplies the self-levitation video this video is [ __ ] it is it feels like a two-minute video but it turns out to be a 20-minute video but it should have been a two-minute video it should have been a one-minute video it doesn't need to be a video tim i thought you were going to say this video feels so light and it's levitating that it could levitate come on everybody where are you this doesn't deserve that good a joke i gotta spoon feed you all the jokes this is terrible though i mean they show you the video is like teaching you how to do the the first time i ever saw it it was on a david blaine street magic special [Music] you said oh he's standing he's like holy crap for a second i was like holy [ __ ] that's real how does it does because it it seemed like he went that high i mean did he go that high so he's the psychological trick on you no he's not this high off the ground he gets so into it that he does it and then when he comes back down it's so much that he vomits is that true it is true wow he's just like and he turns this video is just two minutes of levitating and then 15 minutes of vomiting [Music] to it that goes with the instructions the guy's like you gotta tell your audience you gotta wait two hours to work up the power to do it and then afterwards you know make a big deal about it perhaps the most crucial aspect of the balducci levitation and presenting it is the psychological preparation of the audience prior to the actual levitation itself david wait drug then [Laughter] give them hallucinogens he tells them that he doesn't know if he can do it he might not have enough energy sometimes he has a lot of energy and he points to a chair and he says sometimes i can go as high as this chair and he really builds the illusion up in their minds it's such a simple and kind of lame levitation that you really need to go out of your way to sell it to the audience yeah yeah the whole point of this video is if you want to look like you're levitating put someone in one very specific position i guess it can only be one person watching you because anyone else in a different position will not get the same effect and then stand on one foot but make them wait for it yeah well that's that's how they stretch the video out is with all these little details but it's it's stand on one foot they wore the most luxurious of socks well that one dude did he had some pretty comfy looking shoes he had some nice socks he knew he was gonna have his shoes off on camera he wore the nice socks the bigger fluffier socks though more distraction and then same with your pants you want those big pleated flowing 1980s pants he makes a point of saying make sure you're wearing pants and then he shows examples of people not wearing pants right you're supposed to have baggy pants on kids the elderly these wearing shorts bring out the balducci oh my god he didn't even show it what's good thing it's environmentally safe what about david ross he has his his his stupid son who's in basketball shorts small ugly girl it's probably his stupid daughter stupid daughter it's a stupid family and their stupid fireplace yeah the thing is it would have been really easy just to throw some other generic magic tricks in there too yeah that's the surprising part it is it is one trick stretched out to 20 to 30 minutes and every time it would fade out we're like it's over and then it would fade back in to the exact same location with this dumb ass still talking to the camera cause this dumb ass made 20 different videos about 20 different magic tricks oh you think and he sold them all in they were all of these magic shops that's murphy whatever hello i'm mike maxwell and welcome to the self levitation video i'm really interested in this kind of magic trick well what do you know thirty dollars i have a video about it if you really want to learn and it has the history of it behind it like the person she needed how long is this video about the thumb trick yeah it's like when you're pulling off the thumb and stuff like that it's like it's got a video on it yeah yeah and there was a split second i swear to god he thought i thought he was going to be like and how to deal with people when they think or can see that you're faking it hecklers he did yeah he didn't well that's what we said would have been amazing if at the end of the video there's all this [ __ ] and then he genuinely starts levitating right right yes the rest of the video is just to to to ward off the skeptics because they're not going to keep watching right right yeah here's the real power you have to say these magic words he looks around he says nobody's watching between you and me here's how you make the pact with the ancient demons just three drops of human blood bakaduchi is actually a an ancient demon yeah there you go you can float above your city and and shoot lightning out of your eyes you must make a pact with eloise carl the grief clown uh yeah it's a four minute long video sold in a magic shop and now it's in our possession no questions that i had were ever answered of what happens when you're the crowd who comes to see you do levitation forms a 360 degree circle around you stain yeah but maybe close over here together yeah it's like that yeah just stay kind of close ready here we go i believe that you levitated an inch off the ground i don't believe that you used your other foot to lift yourself up while wearing 90s slacks just i love pleats [Music] [Laughter] that guy loved his pleats and his hair plugs pleats and plugs that's that should [ __ ] the magic supply pleats and plugs he should he should be a style consultant wear this embarrassing shirt and a belt tucked in with your belt and your pleated pants in front of your 90s fireplace with all your ornate oriental uh garnishes on top of your fireplace and your stupid [ __ ] children your dumb basketball son comes in ashamed of you your earplugs are falling out while you're making a five minute long video for your magic shop that's the american dream this whatever this guy's name is he's such a good magician he made his marriage disappear but he kept the kids i guess he got the kids yeah or that was his weekend it's like we gotta shoot around my kids weekend well we've made fun of this man i don't even know what his name is hello i'm mike maxwell and welcome to the self-levitation video i'm sure he has a name bonaducci no it was not the fiba dooch properly presented the balducci levitation will achieve a near perfect illusion of self-levitation how to do some kind of thing you stand on it [ __ ] levitate shit's as [ __ ] uh i mean here we are we shouldn't make fun of this guy here we are look at us talking about six video tapes we found in a dumpster or at least we're not pretending to be something we're not we're not trying to levitate that's true i'll bet you i could do the levitation trick the only one who did the levitation trick was milton burrow he floated all the way up to heaven okay 2002 before getting cancelled before getting cancelled well now he's getting canceled after this episode yeah we're just waiting for it spoilers just wait we're getting canceled uh so then we watched another tape well first of all i don't know hey [ __ ] off that's my job oh my god first of all we we picked four tapes with the ping pong balls and then a couple of them were short and uh we we said let's watch a couple more so we watched two more and they're down on the end there just to explain the six tapes as opposed to the four because nobody was there in the screening room with us except us four oh tape two is blank ah the blankie who picked this one therapy plus therapy people this is therapy plus right there oh my god can you tell us all about therapy plus well i didn't pick it but there's not much therapy i was the one that picked it it was my ball okay tim tell us about therapy okay i mean i ended up explaining all these shits therapy plus is can you imagine if there's something that looks so phallic but not sexual to reduce all of pain well not sudden out of nowhere pain well therapy plus very specific type of pain yes yes if you have severe out of nowhere pain therapy plus will not prickly roll it away this is intriguing tell me more well this can show you the design of the single roller makes it extremely effective for self treatment it has the capability to be adjusted to reach just about any area of the body this is a relatively short video but it gets to the point very quick and the point is old ass ronald reagan wants to rub all over this girl in a tube top and i don't know if there was a teleprompter but you could not tell so either the dude was spot on with his memory memorization of the script or he was like able to scan a page just or what if there was no script he was just making this [ __ ] up they just handed him this thing and he had to come up on the top of his head come up with some sort of usefulness like a famous genius sculpting tool for like clay sculptures yeah yeah like try and sell it to some sort of health thing we got a girl in a tube top he's like oh i can do something with this you promise there's a woman with a tube top right i can do anything look it cures all pain i don't i don't know what your problem is unless you have existing pain then don't use it on that unless you have existing pain or heart pain open sore yeah yeah it's it's a genital pain it's a it's a it's a thing it's what they call a scam well it's got a handle right and there's a there's a rolly thing on the on the tip of it and it it adjusts to reach different whatevers which must be very difficult to do because he really strained his voice when he turned it off it's got it's got some rigidity to it because you don't want that yeah but you don't want to press it too hard because it's like a little like meat tenderizer on a rolly thing and you know you don't want to press too hard because you're going to puncture your skin or injure yourself bruise yourself whatever with a sophisticated device this is this very sophisticated device then you just roll it gently on your skin anything that could be a serious medical condition because this is a scam and what they are doing it's called covering your ass and when they sell their magical cure-all pain removing device if somebody is having like serious they're just like having a heart attack yeah and they think they're just gonna do this and they have a heart attack and they end up in the hospital and then therapy plus is gonna get sued for a lot of money weren't they sued oh you did some research oh rich did research i did a very little bit of research you did research because i said i want to find one of these devices yeah either they're not sold or else people would still be using them today you'd be like my grandma's been using therapy plus on arthritis they're still sold but they're under a different name and they're used as sex toys oh boy remember the main point is to roll lightly and quickly to get best results from therapy plus my grandma had a therapy plus but then she sanded down all the rough edges just well rough enough and now it's been in her bed nightstand for the past 80 years don't touch that why does it smell like the fish hatchery rubella is on that just so many it's like all the lost diseases it's all sticky okay i learned two things what do you got for your elderly man wallet phone damn you got your grocery store card in there too you got your library card in there what the [ __ ] is wrong with me being efficient oh boy did that come out of your fanny pack tell us grandma what did you learn california infomercial marketer settles ftc charges of false and unsubstantiated claims for purported pain relieving device that's what i got when searching for therapy plus what's that freedom from pain what's the date from that it's got two different i don't know some kind of reposting of this august 27 2006 but it's got another date down here ftc news release may 25th 1993. now is it a separate article for the sexual assault charges [Laughter] kept calling my ribs tender but i knew what he meant well it's funny you say that because the other thing i learned when i googled therapy plus a whole bunch of products came up for sale and they all look like sex toys therapy plus stinger does therapy plus become code speak in the sex industry massager it probably has the most minuscule um scientific backing right like you have a sore muscle you just rub it a little yeah it makes blood flow happen maybe that roly device kind of makes blood flow happen boom cure all the pain market it sell it make a thousand of them sell them for 29.95 scam but not really but i don't know apparently according to this lawsuit it it's making a big comeback as a coven vaccine alternative when you get the covid you just kind of rub it on your kind of rub it on your lungs you may have purchased this device for one particular pain should another pain occur elsewhere in the body at a later date remember to use your roller review this tape often to assure correct use of therapy plus is this the entirety wait i forgot i think i got it doctor damn it how do i use this find me the tape the end that's intense holy [ __ ] this is how you do it period uh oh next is abc's the abc of safety [Music] [Applause] can we just skip this one now excuse me i think i'm going to take my lunch break i mean theoretically we could ride the bus the only funny thing to talk about with this video is that they're going to talk about it we went through the [ __ ] [ __ ] let's just spend some time skipping it go okay it's a low rent sesame street with a bunch of vulgar new yorkers yeah from montauk hey i'm a [ __ ] bus driver uh be safe no no the bus driver kept his cool because he knew it was because he knew he would get fired up like service and it's just i was driving the bus drunk now i got to be in this video with this puppet what the [ __ ] always hold the handrail getting on and off the bus do not jump on or off the bus and remain seated at all times stay in your [ __ ] chair mr rogers sure gave us some terrific safety tips now it's time to hear a great new bus safety song no gotta get up and get dressed now it's a long way to get to a [ __ ] bus song and meet all your friends now it's a wonderful video teaching children what does it teach them it teaches them multiple the very basics of safety uh one being street crossings that's the big topic covered uh look both ways don't run out into traffic etc etc they film a bunch of kids in a suburban area and then they cut the footage of times square just cut between them you couldn't drag a bunch of eight-year-olds out to times square to film the video half of them would get hit by cars i just don't understand why you have time square at all why did the horse cross the road why because the chicken took the day off day off all these new yorkers new york children to prove that he wasn't a chicken now we're going to more talk seymour and his whole family came to a town called montauk that's how he wound up in montauk look and then and then they switched to the bus safety bus safety bus driver says listen they even show a sign that says there's 50 rules when you're on the bus don't stand up don't shout don't hit the bus driver in the back of the head don't look me in the phone don't jump off the bus follow the steps hold on no yelling no screaming don't push and shove stay seated [Music] there's everything and then the girl goes and interviews a mets player my piazza bank piazza and she's like what why do you like baseball and he's like i don't know teamwork whatever the [ __ ] money is stupid and then and then she's like what's how do you be safe in baseball he's like well i wear a bunch of pads that protect me from this rock that's flying at me at 100 miles an hour stupid and then she says bye now mike i've just got to ask were you wearing all of your safety gear well absolutely i think your safety gear is your most important possession if you're going to go out and do physical activity whether that be baseball or bicycling or anything i mean you have to have protection especially in the very important parts of your body like your hands and um your your uh your you gotta protect your nuts you gotta protect your nuts besides wearing your safety gear do you do anything else to stay safe well yeah i mean before you start you do have to warm up always wear condiments [Laughter] who's this video for what wait hold this bat first like this no you idiot [ __ ] [ __ ] what are you from new jersey [ __ ] idiot this girl probably ain't even near montauk the seals from montauk this girl's from the bronx you gotta change everything literally everything everything everything you're doing is wrong so they're all yelling in new york accents all the little boys look angry like they're from they're from brooklyn or boston they're from they're from boston and they got to cross the river over to new york city and is there a stupid chute is there a river that you cross to get from boston to new york city i don't think i don't know anything about it's like a bay right massachusetts bay i don't know how close it is new york i don't know but these little ruffians are getting they're they're mark wahlberg's little brothers they're getting busted by their children it's like yeah they're getting busted in and they have to be in this video and they're like i'd rather be in a gang and uh i'd rather be drinking i'd rather be drinking at the bar with my dad they're like eight and they're angry and then the girl's mad and the bus driver is really mad he's seething with anger you know he's yelling at his wife later he's yelling at the kids on the bus had to be in this [ __ ] video and then so they talk about bus safety crossing the street safety sports injuries and lastly stranger danger which rich you know all about tell us all about the perverts in the park [Music] i literally don't remember about the perverts in the park i always have fun when i come to the park it's one of my favorite places to play there are many different people who come to the park like mothers fathers little kids and big kids and strangers too looking for a fix a stranger is a person you don't know my parents taught me never why is this in a smaller window [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] remember the old man who was pushing the kid on the swing and then trying to remember the guy that looks like borat the only thing i remember about that video is that they just kept showing footage of like random people you just happened to be in the park that's the thing is like yeah and now they are in this video without their consent contextualized as sex perverts yeah yeah they're just filming people that happened to be there that day i think the old man was was from central casting as homeless bum a toothless homeless bum he showed up drunk i mean hey no no no no no just push the kid on the swing what am i playing you're playing the lovable they showed like a dozen different people i know all wearing sunglasses yeah none of whom never signed up to be in this fortunately they all happen to be sex predators [Music] don't push jesus christ this looks like a demoneric skit doesn't it get away from that grandpa where did he touch you now this is uh abc of safety part one which means we got to learn unbeknownst to us until it was 30 minutes deep into the origin story of seymour seal and as i was setting up uh you have abc of uh volume two what what right obviously safety volume two yeah seymour is right now that's glued into our set and it's hot glued into ourselves so we can never watch it which is unfortunate because i would really like to continue the adventures of seymour seal cause when you have you wanna hear more of his puns his one pun hi seymour that's a really great hello it certainly gets my seal of approval presidential seal he used that one like twice in a row yeah yeah less than a minute apart well haven't you ever heard of the presidential seal i'll see more what are we going to do with you consider this sealed sign sealed delivered his jokes were hackier than milton berles he was milton berle's joke rider clubbed him to death he got the milton berle seal of approval until milton berle tried to please come back into the dressing room put your flipper up tasty one of my favorites milk no it's a seal i'll [ __ ] anything no it's a seal it's okay i'll put my jane fonda wig on him let's get started and then i'll dress up in blackface oh my goodness seals respond positively to blackface a little known fact your milton berle fanfic has gone in control all you need to do is to remove the head and tail next we take the meat side then split it cut it in half at the back pressing hard to get it well coated now place the fish on a cookie sheet pan skin down oh boy it's the most delicious thing i ever tasted but yes you tim you were saying once him and his family his family were just swimming around and they got their way to montauk because they loved the area so much in the bay and then they then little uh seymour swam up onto the sea onto the beach and then he met a kid and then he's like holy [ __ ] look at me i got feet and now i got fingers holy [ __ ] i'm [ __ ] loving this i'm a seal let's talk about safety [Laughter] [Music] oh my god all these kids are drunk let's count to see how many times we can throw the ball back and forth without dropping it the lady reading the book was either really into it or being over sarcastic i think i think she was doing her little kid voice she had them all captivated unfortunately they had to do 100 takes and all of them had to be drink this gal in a high c and then we're gonna start shooting okay kids yeah take 98. maybe i thought that's how it would keep their energy up they probably they probably have like a bunch of like juice boxes off to the side while they're getting like set up with lights and everything so those kids probably sat around for two hours just like cookies right well what would you like to do [Music] are we done hello oh that was such a great show it certainly gets my seal of approval goodbye so this is what you meant when you said spin-off i thought i was getting my own tv show i knew i should have read the fine print [Music] all right so i uh we're still talking about tapes yeah the fourth tape now around the fourth tape uh armed robbery is it worth your life and the answer unsurprisingly is no signs like this should be posted both on the door define limited because i'm a crackhead and it's 20 bucks well that's the weird thing is it's it's branded the label is branded with hollywood video but it has nothing to do with hollywood video not specifically but i could still see hollywood videos showing this to employees for what they would do if hollywood video got robbed this program was developed by the state of washington department of labor and industries division of industrial safety and health i think it was made by because it said uh washington seattle yeah washington and the uh i think it was made by company general retail establishment anywhere in the us anywhere who that deals with the cash register customers walking in off the street uh you could and then hollywood video just said we'll buy this for our training purposes there's probably the same videos probably shown at other gas station chains grocery stores other other blockbuster videos other places in new york brooklyn places like mine talks talk moan talk at lobster shacks and mod talk well the montauk one is hosted by the seal by seymour right right yeah they replaced this the the geek from this video with seymour seal we're gonna learn how to be safe walkers so it has nothing to do with hollywood video because it's a [ __ ] convenience store in the film but the general rules and and information can be applicable to any retail establishment true i got to get behringer wine yeah that's the good stuff 4.95 why the wine though i like white zin the distraction i don't get a why isn't the salad bar open hollywood video is safer because they don't sell behringer wine that's true that's really the downfall in this yeah like as long as you don't have behringer on your shelves you're probably you have 20 safer those 495 wines [Music] but like a training type of video though what you're looking for are recreations and we get that but they really couldn't they really could have used some squibs yes yeah we needed some gore if if this were uh paul paul verhoeven's armed robbery is it worth your life this would be amazing it's funny because we brought up robocop during yeah don't argue don't fight offer no resistance whatsoever and never ever pull a weapon such actions only increase your chances of getting hurt or killed move slowly what would robocop think of this video speak in a soothing and cooperative tone robocop has a different perspective because he's an armored tank that can take bullets on unlimited amounts of bullets so it's a different perspective on things you know but i i i think he wouldn't approve of these tactics it's been great if robocop showed up to investigate the crime here what did he look like wait you gave him the money why didn't you shoot him are you shaking your head at me robocop people am i right the main employee did all the wrong things that's the first setup is everything to not do during a robbery because he's like he's like oh [ __ ] off man i'm just trying i work 20 hours a day i'm trying to make money and he pulls out a gun the clerk pulls out the gun after the the robber has shot the other employee yeah even after he's getting he's like in the middle of getting shot and he's like pulling on the gun way too late on the gundrum way too late i would have pulled that [ __ ] out immediately it's really dangerous to open your video with this because what if somebody watches that and shuts the video off right there and they think oh that's what i'm supposed to do i get it i don't need to watch the rest of this [ __ ] i get it let's pull out a gun and shoot him i just argue shot get shot immediately yeah the point of the video is if they point a gun in your face just do whatever the [ __ ] they say and do it slowly and also like crooks don't like fully stocked shelves make sure your store is pulling that's the weird propaganda at the beginning of the video where they're like yeah make sure you mop the floors and stock the shelves because this is something to do with robbers i don't know keep the shelves well stocked and the premise is neat and clean with the aisles free of clutter or boxes i mean you should do that because it's your job but i mean they won't rob you maybe this is a sneaky way to actually make them restock the shelves because it's like you know what are you going to get shot yeah you're going to get killed if you don't restock the shelves or you have a better chance of being killed i understand i need to get behind the counter to the cash register i walk very slowly okay no funny stuff don't try your amateur stand-up routine it is not a good time come on move crack addicts am i right no i'm sorry i'm sorry robbing the gas station such a cliche move slowly and explain every move you're going to make a behringer why not that's a nice touch bathroom break [Laughter] oh god what it's now time to talk about the bonus oh yeah well but yeah these are we're in bonus territories now uh we wanted to talk about these uh meditation the art of ecstasy it is some kind of video [Music] whether it's it's a recruitment video or propaganda or to to a pr kind of video i would assume pr based on what we know based on what we know which we'll get into uh a man named help me out oh so oh oh oh show oh show [Music] [Laughter] um oprah oh [ __ ] i'm levitating but osho is a indian guru slash meditation expert so osho is in india and he's he's a wise old man who speaks very slowly men is born to achieve life man is born to achieve life yeah that makes sense that tracks it kind of achieves that second he's born [Laughter] [Music] don't talk over osho he deserves your respect rich he can go on breathing so was this shot before he died [Music] who has amassed a following and this video is made six years after he has died and osho got into a little trouble in in washington oregon oregon but we'll talk about that in a minute this video takes place in india at his at his compound where a whole bunch of naive whites go to to to do oil paintings watercolor paintings to meditate in glass cubes [Laughter] and to dance and do a bunch of like hippy-dippy uh uh spiritual [ __ ] speak in a bunch of vagaries about uh and yeah rambling ramble about new age horseshit it's like what i heard those shows say many many years ago about the strength of the water and the strength of the rock that the water looks not strong at all in comparison to the rock and so you wave your arms around in an auditorium i'm not and make watercolor paintings on the ground i'm not i'm not i'm not sure i get the connection very very typical new age horseshit you just say things that sound spiritual and they just sound spiritual they don't mean anything and you can just ramble like that without actually departing any useful information to another human being but it sounds like you're really deep when you were children somebody was always saying to you don't do this don't do that don't say this don't say that don't do this don't say it and every time they tell you not to say something immediately that energy was held in your in your body and the energy is still there and with this meditation it sort of releases it so as you do the meditation you become more free and more easy i feel better you know it feels really good though just screaming like [ __ ] you [Music] that's so much better than you what he was saying did not sound like [ __ ] at all things that that would make uh people like us say this sounds like a cult recruitment video but that's the problem because they have footage of people defending it saying it's like it's not a cult in my office the people are very critical and all also my friends are very critical and they said yes oh she wasn't a guru and yeah it's dangerous and yes and uh this is it's not and as i said if you have to constantly repeat that what you're doing is not a cult then what you're doing is a cult at the same time gandhi is if i may use the word constipated with puritanism you know don't do this don't do that chastity celibacy temperance which really inhibited people from doing anything you never saw a gandhi follower who had any joy on his face he was just too earnest oh sure we're all just [ __ ] each other all the time oh shows about [ __ ] white women from california or you think they're achieving some kind of something or other they give him all their money all show knows he knows what's up tell him to do watercolor paintings and then [ __ ] them that night and tell them it's meditation or some [ __ ] i don't know oh she was the best at this i have a lawyer i pay him with watercolor paintings we have to deal with the old whites the old old white men that think they're into something get rid of them at night tell them to go play the violin define cult there's there's nefarious reasoning behind what he's doing he's tricking you into oh we're going to enlighten you we're going to teach you these things you're going to you're going to find yourself but it's all nefarious and we know that is the case because there was a netflix documentary made about usha ocean ocho osho old wild wild country where he took over a small town in oregon with his cults and uh clashed with the locals they well they were trying to take over like they had full control of the city and they're also trying to get more control over like the entire county weren't they trying to win like some kind of county election yeah maybe and so they had like a plot i think i could be misremembering a lot of this they were trying to keep like the attendance to the election down so they went to like one of the major population centers in the county and they just deliberately infected like people with uh salmonella yeah to give them the runs so they didn't go vote yeah that's vicious so it's interesting to watch this because we started watching it we're like these names sound familiar it's like this was picked is something we would watch because rich hates new age [ __ ] it'll be funny to make him watch this but then we turn around like oh wait wait a minute i think i know this prick and the the events in oregon took place in like the early 80s 80s yeah and this is uh mid-90s and so that's why i think it could be in india because they probably after you run out of yeah yeah and there's video of him talking very slowly and completely disconnected from all the footage because it's older footage yeah obviously shot when he was alive and then six years later they're they're kind of the cultists i'm sorry the meditation community is still going and they're kind of they have this there's this weird library where it's like marble floors and glass and then there's all these people that come every season or year there's foreigners like people from germany and uh sweden yeah they're all coming and they're they're like why do you come here to feel the same there's like pathetic author oh yeah yeah the miami vice rejects i have never sought out osho hey with those with those slacks he could do some levitation let's see a couple of spongeball tricks too yeah right he just got back from his miami vice audition it did not go well they can all feel you know every one of them they can all feel equal when they're cleaning oh shoes toilet together yeah but oh the maroon the maroon robes clean the toilets if you have the black robe with the little stocking cap yeah the stunted dumbledore you you you lead the dance segments uh that do something don't spin too fast grandpa oh you're [Laughter] we're getting dangerously close this is not the balducci technique they're dead oh no they drank the kool-aid it's jonestown the comet was coming it was kind of exciting to come here and to see what this is really like because image the way people perceive this place and osha in sweden is quite negative when you arrive they separate you white women from california or other for some reason it is all white women i thought that was weird at first then i understood later what osho told me uh so google uh oh oh he went by rajneesh then he went by osho because it took him two days to say his own name to achieve life did osho participate in anything else other than just trying to get a bunch of locals to not come out to the election by giving them diarrhea i'm fine with that i i haven't seen the documentary since the st jones remember this no nobody died they tried to assassinate there was a lawyer that was opposing them okay but i'm sure osho was smart enough to say oh i didn't have anything to do with that there was just a couple of wacky members that went a little too far i believe there was somebody in his inner circle who basically ended up being the fall girl oh yeah there was like a lady that was a big part of it too yeah yeah like state your name sir [Laughter] yeah you can go [ __ ] it just like send the lady in did she talk faster good cool but this is not life this is gradual death are you doing what i'm doing right now just imagining a conversation between osho and milton burrow i think that would just be amazing for a second [Laughter] milton bertle would die before that conversation ended [Laughter] oh sure would say like a sentence and milton berle would listen come back to osho next thing milton berry will be like laying down then there would be a grave then his penis sticking out of it girls big [ __ ] is there a jane fonda wig on his tombstone what the [ __ ] is any of this this is gradual death bathroom break [Laughter] well we're on to our last tape which uh i forced us to watch two more tapes black spine magic you insisted on this one specifically yeah you just really this was a shocking dark based on the title we know for a fact as far as elderly workout tapes we will never achieve the greatness of the osteoporosis dance will never happen again silver foxes is pretty good okay yeah yeah yeah silver fox is pretty good silver foxes isn't necessarily funny because they're elderly no no no silver foxes has the star power which i would argue this also has the star power similar to silver foxes um it did have some surprises it had some things we were not expecting it went places we weren't expecting it to go yep yep this is uh what what is the official title richie i'll grab it for you here uh milton burl's low impact slash high comedy workout for seniors okay all right yes half right during the the go the golden age of exercise tapes uh exercise tapes for seniors we're a thing hello seniors how are you doing are you all ready for the workout yeah and they said we need some olds to buy this who do they love bob hope dad probably i don't know jack benny is he still around dead damn it who's the oldest comedic celebrity that's still alive all they're all dead they had to rule george burns out because of the cigars and that's not healthy they want someone even though he lived to be a hundred i know that's irony but the the the they wanted an old who was funny but maybe relatively healthy and fit you know you're not going to get orson welles i would love to see an orson welles workout workout yeah the orson welles hypocritical workout he's just sitting in a chair move your feet bottles of wine now move your legs he sits there directing everybody right yeah yeah do you call that moving [Laughter] moving uh but we're talking about comedians we want funny we want funny we got milton berle everyone loves milton berle good old uncle milton and he shows up in a track suit he won't exercise he refuses he'll do a couple of comedy bits bits he turns the exercise over to reba mcintyre mcintyre they get a lady who's old but not too old yeah he's gotta be 58 54 56 58 and at the end remember he's like he's like you make getting really old look good yeah and then there's like a really long awkward silence and he's like why don't you go back in my dressing room and lay on your back wonderful wonderful wonderful you all did a sensational job especially you marilee you worked hard you must be awfully tired yeah go go to my dressing room and lie down oh no i'm kidding i'm kidding where was i oh yes awkward silence and then he's like i'm just kidding honey when he was in the tracksuit he seemed like i'm just trying to tell jokes up down up down remember when those words had a whole different meaning that's the last one he made a sex drugs i'm shocked but then he would get into costume and he seemed a lot more lively like years were peeled off of him hi i'm jane fonda she looks much better in person than she does on the screen and i want you to know that i run a very strict workout class i do not allow my pupils to drink smoke or have sex until the class is over i don't know well they i mean they were in in uh in terms of the the characters that he was embodying yeah he becomes richard simmons and richard simmons impression bang on uh he wanted to take an elderly man back to his dressing room you remember tim you called the exact line i'll tell you one thing it's very dangerous for me to stand in front of a mirror in this outfit i keep trying to jump on myself if you don't stop laughing i'll make you all stay after class all of you especially you especially you there we go [Laughter] where's the the instructor oh here come over here you are the instructors i've been watching you i've been watching you and i must say that i'm very very glad that you're teaching my class richard this is the milton berle workout oh my god i'm in the wrong studio [Laughter] [Applause] speaking of blame how about all those old sitting down well there's more of them as the video goes along the whole point though for this video is just when you're old you just need to keep moving yeah and they have the people sitting in the chair specifically just so that the people at home the old people watching this tape know that they can sit down too and just just move your leg a little bit it doesn't matter it doesn't even really matter how you move your legs yeah just move your legs and arms maybe maybe lift up a water bottle once in a while it's fine but you don't need the water bottle so they have some of the people in the crowd not with water right okay just keep moving it's very encompassing it's all-encompassing in case you can't physically lift up a water bottle they had one lady who was just like she was just bones and then and then they're all laying on the on the like the yoga mats or pads or whatever they are and one old lady specifically had a pillow maybe she had a some kind of [ __ ] neck problem so so yeah very subtle little touches like yeah yeah you can use a pillow behind your head you don't have to lay flat on the ground if you have spina bifida and some of you are never getting back up but it's okay just get right in your grave yeah what was that what was the first joke he's like oh you were the lifeguard in a waterbed motel oh yeah which basically yes you are a peeping tom and you were at a motel of full of waterbeds i'm very glad to see you you know i was watching you george i had an idea that you and i met someplace before did we weren't you a lifeguard at a waterbed motel [Laughter] what are they laughing at you said [Music] didn't you used to be a comedian it should be used to be funny mr burl that would have been a great name for this tape a few awkward moments moments with milty yeah and i want to say this honey you can cook for me any time it's like it's like you want good cardiac and it's just like it's like you gotta get a dick like this up wait wait wait wait wait wait wait can we can we stop the press here oh my god oh my god it's tim you seem to have inside knowledge about milton berle's penis is this is this a known fact you can't look it up i don't want to but it is milton berle had a giant [ __ ] yeah yeah legendary like giant is so like 80s but he's from like the 50s and the 40s so it's legendary like comparatively like all other men in the 50s and 40s supposedly a friend of mine told the story when he got to meet milton berle supposedly um a friend of yours are you friends with exclusively 80 year olds no no no no no i'm a benjamin button baby [Laughter] was your friend betty white do you think betty white [ __ ] milton berlin yes a friend of mine got to meet uh milton berle and he has a picture with him and his hand on his face and [ __ ] and he's like so i heard he had a big dick and he's like well i met bruce willis once and supposedly bruce willis has whatever and he's like yeah and he's like so we went to the bathroom to exchange lengths and i pulled enough out just to win wait wait milton berle and bruce willis were comparing their penises supposedly yeah so your friend learned this from milton berlin yeah okay okay this doesn't sound very reliable to me if my friend is not a you don't [ __ ] around and he has the picture okay i'm not saying you're friends with pearl's penis he has a picture of his penis it's a tiny and it was like yeah it's a picture of bruce willis and milton berlin yeah just texting each other each other bruce willis looks very upset the photo this would explain a lot about bruce willis like he doesn't give a [ __ ] anymore do you think that maybe started when he saw milton berle's dick little did i know that this show would get me to talk about big dicks so much there was that one old man who had like the the skin tight like leotard pants on when you saw us i thought that was like leotard milton berle right milton burrow put a leotard on oh my god look like he's hiding the liberty bell that milton never wore sweats he never wore sweats or or or basketball shorts or gym shorts or unless he's imitating uh richard simmons that's the name oh is gay so he has a vagina according to milton berles he doesn't understand how gay works it is weird to see milton berle doing the richard simmons impression and he's doing like this and it's just like rows of elderly people on each side of him just like it's sort of creepy because they don't know what's happening they really no they know what's happening it's just their generation i think yeah they're just it's a little mixture of uncomfortable laughter there's a couple there's some of that yeah there's there's the black guy in the back who looks he looks a little younger than everybody yeah everyone look all the whites look like they're 97 years old and he looks like he's 50 and then when milton comes on he's like who is this and why am i here and that's why he looks like he's like a retired football linebacker there's a part in the video when he had well he's a big guy yeah he's like seven feet tall so he's probably a little older 50 50 mid 50s and maybe he played professional sports because the ladies like everyone get down on your [ __ ] hands and knees and do this like leg lift thing right yeah and she's like i don't know you guys probably might not have been picked up on this but she's like if you'll notice notice that one of our students has used a chair for support for his back as he lowers to the mat so so it's a workout for not just the old but maybe people who have uh physical challenges like the bald black guy maybe he you know had some bodily injuries over his his life and so includes him too and what i'm saying is he wasn't as old enough to laugh at the richard simmons drag impression i guess it's not a dragon impression if richard simmons is a man that's the jane fonda impression the flaming impression to laugh at the richard simmons gay mockery as the other older whites he's also the one responsible for vetoing the blackface right milton berle was going to come out as billy blanks and that guy said [ __ ] this it may take me 15 minutes to lean down and get on my knees but it'll take me two seconds to murder milton berlin right to punch his dentures right out of his head no you talked about the dude who was sitting in the chair and like yeah like that guy actually i think he knows he got sat in the chair because he was like i can't stand anymore because he's like this woman can't say the right thing i can't stand this anymore i can't stand anymore yeah i thought you were saying i can't stand this as in the whole situation i'm in a studio [ __ ] milton berle's here right mcintyre is trying to make me lift my arms i can't stand it the sound editing of this is great though i don't hear any of the cracking and popping noises and farts you know there's a ton of farts elderly farts though don't make a sound that's true [Laughter] [Music] the sphincter has lost all tightness [Laughter] and it's mostly the sound is mostly contained inside the diaper so it sounds like a muffler it's virtually unknown undetectable the only thing you get is the smell lower down but it mixes in with the old person smells yeah so you never really noticed [Music] all these videos could probably work together as some sort of [ __ ] up voltron [Laughter] yeah it's like the seal can help roll the therapy plus on the elderly and then the kids can be like we know where to sit on the bus i don't know because they levitate yes they levitate sure effortlessly when someone comes onto the bus to try and rob them and they'll be like here's our money no need to kill i think tim just actually died i think so oh that's unusual if it was bound to happen sooner or later that's true the best of the worst table mm-hmm i'm just kidding you guys okay god the guy i just thought about the guy who had to struggle to hold onto the chair to get down on the ground he had a problem with his black spine [Laughter] got that skeptical look this is the worst episode ever we've ever filmed i gotta cut so much out of this [Music] but there's no reaction at all they're just like this is just me now some of them have brown stains [Music] is anybody else uncomfortable nope oh that's right we have to pick a winner oh god it's our time of the night we watched six black spine tapes a la balls i'll uh four of them were four of them were all choices and then we just watched more for some reason why not we didn't have enough balls if we would have watched one tape more that would have been awkward so we had to make it a pair it's got to be even so six balls six tapes nice even number uh and we have to pick a best of the worst of these random ass vhs tapes unlabeled black spine tapes that should be in a dumpster forgotten well they will be after this yeah uh i'm just trying to remember so it's it's it's levitation levitation uh therapy therapy class therapy therapy safety safety the the the jesus the robbery robbery cult cult i would have to say levitation because they made one one little thing and it just it i found it hilarious that it's the same [ __ ] thing and it's dumb and like these aren't good reasons no it's what's the most memorable that you that what are you excited i know what you're getting at mike and it's awful well [ __ ] man the you don't have to pick anything that's true really you can say none if you want you could say pass i don't care which one you pick cool if you want to pick abc of safety with the talking seal yeah yeah and see more see more seal and the safety see more safe playground full of child predators yep and and then the random puppet that just popped in like right by a showdown at the end uh sunburned chef or something surgeon god damn it our favorite character is it sounds like you're leaning towards it no it is abc's oh definitely all right i'm sorry i am sorry [ __ ] this [ __ ] it's a hard choice abc's okay abc is safety jay i gotta go with the milton barrel tape i just him in drag is so embarrassing i know he's been dead for 30 years but it's still like that and the richard simmons impression is just just so embarrassing and awkward that it's the most entertaining most of these other tapes [ __ ] sucked i i think you're right i i it's milton berle like plus there's also like a cooking section at the end oh that's true we didn't even talk about that after when you watch an exercise video you don't want to watch 20 minutes of somebody chopping carrots but julianne julian carrots you know when you're that age you can't be eating before you exercise that's true and then even at the very end he finds a way to be creepy he's like touching her oh my god the [ __ ] you want to change your answer remember when milton berle was saying i know and she did not [ __ ] care about it from the in the shake of the hand and you could see her he did not want anything to do with milton berry i'm sorry i don't mean to be but yeah melbourne you're switching girl but the abc's the abc's a [ __ ] close second okay okay i i i gotta pick milton berle i brought us lots of joy and borderline uh perverted uh and then insulting uh richard simmons doing uh an uh awkward gay impression and then coming on drag as jane fonda uh it's it was sad it was sickening it was depressing and embarrassing and and ultimately great um because that's the kind of stuff we look for that's of course yeah it's how you want to go out you have a long memorable career this is how you want to go out yeah it's a long memorable career you want to go out you want to go out in an embarrassing elderly exercise tape that's how you want to end your career absolutely then die like cringe was the only way to extend his life [Laughter] the end that's intense holy [ __ ] this is how you do it period you

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,907,199

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans

Id: zyBjbqKPIj0

Length: 81min 56sec (4916 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 02 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/totalperspec]

They found that bingo ball-roller thing at the thrift store next to the Jesus pictures and decided to build an episode around it.

[u/abluersun]

The reveal of Rich's phone wallet and Mike's corresponding harassment may have been the best surprise of all.

[u/HereForGames]

Mike Maxwell magician fun facts!

Mike Maxwell was president of A-1 MagicalMedia and has helped produce over 150 magical videos, DVD's, books and tricks!
http://geniimagazine.com/wiki/index.php?title=A-1_MagicalMedia

Mike Maxwell died of a heart attack in 2019!
https://www.themagiciansforum.com/post/rip-mike-maxwell-10385945

Mike Maxwell was most recently featured in Red Letter Media's Black Spine Moan podcast!
https://youtu.be/zyBjbqKPIj0

Wow! Great job, Mike Maxwell!

[u/Supermunch2000]

That was an odd ending, a few seconds of black and cut back to Mike and Tim laughing.

[u/mattnelsonart]

Holy crap. The video where the guy gets shot in the convenience store is a training video I used to have to watch at work. That blew my mind seeing that come up on the show.

[u/Ace_Kuper]

That Osho video isn't exactly a big part of the video, so it might not affect the video. But people behind that stuff do not shy away from removing critical videos of them from youtube. "Rajneeshpuram by Down the Rabbit Hole" was force removed from his channel. They also sued Netflix Over 'Wild Wild Country' documentary that was mentioned in this video.

[u/Backupusername]

I'm so glad Mike's "black spine" joke made it in. Hardest laugh of the episode for me. Kinda makes me wonder what kind of gold gets left on the cutting room floor, though.

[u/Dtrain323i]

Rich pulls out his phone and Mike just starts raining haymakers

[u/TJ_McWeaksauce]

They're subjecting themselves to this torture in an ongoing quest to find a new Don Beveridge, right?