Wanda Sykes Stand Up Comedy

[Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Thank You LA thank you so much I love you too I love you too man here's the thing I'm trying to figure it out man like how the [ __ ] did I get here there are some times to sit back and think about your life and go what the [ __ ] happened and don't get me wrong I'm the happiest I've ever been but never in a million years what I've imagined myself in this situation yeah okay here's the thing I'm a black woman from Virginia and I'm not talking about the nice Virginia I'm talking about Virginia I went to an HBCU historically black college I went to Hampton University yes I pledged the first black sorority Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated so I got a lot of black going on and I also did the show of finding your roots with dr. gates yeah and he found that I actually come from a line of free Negroes yeah we weren't even one-year slave [Laughter] and now I'm married to a white French woman and I have two white kids [ __ ] up a legacy I'm a minority in my own home and y'all know I talk a lot of [ __ ] but at the end of the day I take care of white people and my kids my kids are white white you know I mean blond hair blue eyes I'm talking frozen don't get me wrong I love my family I love my family dearly you know and I wish we could live in a colorblind society yeah but but I gotta admit I see [ __ ] I'm sorry I see [ __ ] I know what I said you know every morning I get up and I go downstairs and I I'm making my tea and I look over at my family [Laughter] [Applause] all these white people get in my house I [Applause] walk around my house I look at the pictures on my wall and they're all white people this must be how the Obamas field I see [ __ ] hello normally you know like a mom when her mom cooks dinner it don't mean anything right it just means a mom's cooking good but what I cook Oh it means some [ __ ] what I cook I feel like the help that's why I started buff at the house I was like [ __ ] you know what no y'all come make your own damn plate sock I cook but I serve you [ __ ] make their own damn plate I like to cook I have a passion for cooking right and I do most of the cooking in the house I do because you know my wife's cooking it's not you're her fool it tastes like necessity [Applause] you don't oh man yeah you have her food you like it gotta eat [Applause] but my food I put some thought into it you know I go through and I chop up all my vegetables make sure they're equal size and all that my wife she ain't chopping [ __ ] if the recipe calls for a carrot in goes to care we sitting at the table that we play in the game like whoo I wonder who's gonna get the carrot [Applause] is it you you get the care whenever we have a dinner party my friends always call me before they RSVP hey who's cooking I'm cooking okay all right all right we'll be there cuz when I cook they enjoy themselves you know I get compliments they say stuff like hmm girl this is good whoa you put your foot in this that's good you put your foot in this so my wife cooks they're like mmm girl you put your foot in this [Music] I think she put up witness my kiss man okay okay here's the thing now you know my wife is French so they call her my mom right and they called me Mommy now my daughter Olivia the my mom perfect but you know she called me Mandy oh that stings I house like Livia sweetheart is mommy mommy mammy mammy oh I just had to hum a Negro spiritual you know [Music] [Applause] cuz that's what you gotta do you got a humble Negro spiritual some time to stop from killing somebody but you know cuz you can't beat your kids you can't well I can't no wait are you kidding me beat white kids I gotta leave the country just to beat my kids I'd be like you know what hit the damn car get in the damn car don't make no sense I got the drive down the Tijuana just to teach you how to say mommy [Applause] so now Olivia she can say mommy she can say it but the problem is my wife you know trying to fit in start a call to me boo yes she hurt my black friends called each other boo so she's gonna start calling me boo [ __ ] it up she says like she tried to scare me a some [Applause] so my kids heard her call me booth so they just put it together oh she must be mommy boo yeah that's my nickname now mommy boo I hate it it sounds racist notice a erases baby boo and Olivia's gotten worse yes and now cuz she's put like you know she's even chopped that down now is just my boo character from The Jungle Book yeah my wife is like oh I take my boo is cute it's cute yeah you think it's cute because you don't know what it feels like to be walking through the grocery store and then your little girl runs up to you what a bunch of bananas I [Applause] and I see how other black people look at me when they hear that I said it looked like mom boo bye Felicia [Applause] and I can't explain this stuff to my wife I can't explain your racial [ __ ] to her I can't have this conversation with her she's French she's French she doesn't know American history I mean okay she's American citizen now but she just learned enough to pass the test so I can't have these conversations with her cuz one she might say something stupid and I love her I don't want to have to leave this woman like when the whole Ferguson thing was going on you know I was watching it and everything but what I do is I can't watch it like that with her you know so I had a TV on and she's out and so I'm watching it I'm like [ __ ] because I gotta watch it standing up so I can watch the door to see when she's coming cracker-ass cracker ass crackers that's right burn that [ __ ] down [ __ ] these [ __ ] oh [ __ ] he's got history hey baby he's watching some shark tank [Applause] Furguson man let me just say I am pro cop I respect what they do you know I I think the footing for what they do in theory I am pro cop however in reality I just know that there's some cops who just should not be cops but just like in all professions they're just people who are just shitty at their job there's somebody burning fries at McDonald's right now even you know somebody at your job you like you gonna work on money like this what happened y'all how do we get hit no weapon let me take that back how did the Republicans get here what the [ __ ] happened to the Republicans if you have no Republican just give them a home just off it's okay baby I've never seen politics this low I mean you're talking about you know each other's wives and and then we have to sit there and listen to him talk about the size of Donald Trump's hands what the [ __ ] they are just like one step above doing your mama jokes and I have never in my life watched a presidential debate and had the thought crossed my mind [Music] oh great I thought he was gonna pull out his paint it's almost sweet Jesus and I can't believe that people are actually falling for Donald Trump for wall really that's all you guys to do just promise you a wall I will build a big wall around our borders and I won't make Mexico pay for they were like yeah he's look he's gonna build a wall that's the dumbest [ __ ] I've ever heard I build a [ __ ] wall what the [ __ ] is the wall gonna do now that we have the el chapo memorial tunnel okay whoa I take it the tunnel you gonna have Mexicans popping up like Gophers Border Patrol's gonna be playing the biggest game a whack-a-mole you ever seen yeah [ __ ] their wall I was at Costco the other day of the Mexican popped up [Applause] hola [ __ ] hola but I also get what Donald Trump and Bernie aha yeah I get it cuz at least they're saying something new you know Republicans always the same [ __ ] you're gonna let the rich keep the money and then it'll trickle down to everybody else which will never work it doesn't work why because of nothing good trickles nothing good trickles if you go to the doctor he tells you that you have a trickle whew you in trouble you have to see a specialist even in your home if you at home don't smell like wealth what is that [Applause] [ __ ] [ __ ] trickles that Bernie babe Bernie always looks like he just been thrown out of a bar after last call I said last call get out of here Bert [Applause] [Applause] and Hillary man hears it they will Hillary makes she makes me she makes a lot of great points but no one really hears him because they too busy concerned about what she's wearing I said man that was a good point Hillary just made ah I don't know I think her pockets are way too big on that pantsuit her did you hear what she just said I can't hear her her pockets are like catcher's mitts around my ears I can't hear [ __ ] just too distracted I can't hear anything we judge Hillary ordered her outfits her hair and get Bernie Sanders been running around that same bail suit says day one we don't say [ __ ] about Bernie's suit at the end of the day Bernie Sanders just tasted soup ties it up in a ball and puts it on the end of a hobo stick it off to the next city I have to it won't be great I won't have a female president it would somebody look out for one like a female perkins what happened ladies what the [ __ ] is going on we're actually going backwards yeah we've had the more things take it away from us you know and we can't even get equal pay for you for what the [ __ ] although I think that's [ __ ] because I think women should be paid more yeah we should be paid more because we have more [ __ ] to buy we have more [ __ ] to buy we do cosmetics what the [ __ ] billion dollar industry and we gotta do all this [ __ ] it's Halloween every day for us feminine products that [ __ ] should be free feminine products should be free okay now wait a minute now it's just the basics now if you want all the bells and whistles you know wings and [ __ ] that's that's all you make up feminine products now what then we need a big-ass handbag to carry all that [ __ ] around men don't need it if they just get boom wallet phone that's all they need we got these big-ass handbags we got to carry around and they're getting ridiculous bag so big look like you're running away from home [Applause] my neighbor she has some beautiful handbags right and I like the teaser I like to [ __ ] with her you're like like her and her husband they always get into little spats right so one morning I was looking out my window you know I saw her she was running out the door with her big handbag so I ran out the door I was like that's right girl that's right sweetheart that's right you go you go you say it enough of his [ __ ] you have had enough of his [ __ ] that's right and she was like [ __ ] I'm late for work I thought she was head to the shelter I'm sorry I thought today was your day another thing I like about Hillary release she's stronger on on gun control yeah what happened why haven't we been able to ban assault weapons what happened with that you know it don't get me wrong I mean I'm not anti-gun I grew up around guns you know my father was in the military so you know we had guns in the house you know my father not my mother what you think my mother was walking around the house packing anything you know eat your peas well maybe shoot some peas off your plate so I'm not saying take away all guns I just think there's some guns you shouldn't be able to have you know like the same way I can't drive a tank you should be able to have an assault weapon that's all you tell me oh we can't ban assault weapons are you kidding me as much damages as they've done and you tell me you can't ban assault weapon but you can ban a baby stroller cuz it chopped off the tip of little Billy's index finger are you [ __ ] kidding me oh poor Billy he can't point I don't I don't know what he wants I don't know where he wants me to look and my heart just breaks whatever he tries to do itsy bitsy spider it's just oh [ __ ] kidding me and it's [ __ ] about whoa I need I need an assault weapon to protect my home where is your home - Middle East and that's why I think we should do the type of gun that you should be allowed to have should be determined by where you live yeah yeah now like say if you live out in the country somewhere out in the woods some rural area whatever feels like man okay you know you got animals out there and [ __ ] and you know so okay yeah here's a high-power rifle and hey you know what you might have some Hillbillies let me get you some more [ __ ] I am terrified of hillbillies I do not [ __ ] with hillbillies I'm telling you two things I'm scared of hillbillies and snakes oh my god if I ever saw a hillbilly with a sack of snakes aah is my worst nightmare okay so if you live out in the woods I'm gonna give you some [ __ ] you take all this yeah and so you live in a bad neighborhood you know bad neighborhood well you just have that random shopping cart on the corner and there's no grocery store within three miles you live in a bad neighborhood okay here you're gonna get your 9-millimeter day you go Jen you go you get this okay yeah you know you might need some night-vision goggles I saw a shopping cart you live in a neighborhood with a season or fruit in the name winter cherry grows spring orchard Meadows is baseball betting take your ass home if you live in a cold ascent if you live in a colder sac shut the [ __ ] up and lock your door and a damn coldest ass it's not like you gonna get sneak-attack you see them coming and if some [ __ ] goes there you'll get their legs and plate when they leave it [ __ ] called the sack but you know what we should be caring about we should be cared about the things that are killing us all our food water and yeah Americans Americans love food we love food can't get enough food bad food - oh we cannot run out of ideas to put in a pizza crust can't we we can't not run out of ideas of putting a pizza crust we're gonna be happy until they put the hot wings right into the pizza press we love shitty food now they got a deep-dish pizza right deep-dish pizza wrapped in bacon what the [ __ ] they call it the Baconator they should call that you fat [ __ ] [ __ ] you [Applause] you fat [ __ ] [ __ ] you that's what they should called it we need to care about our food man GMOs GMOs right well I start hearing about GMOs I noticed the bees started dying I would walk outside you see a huddle of bees on the sidewalk and it won't fly they just saw walking around like confused like little crackhead be you know like know your plans man hate my life I'm just gonna go crawl in your pool and drown myself I'm in the pool trying to fish bees out they're like no [ __ ] you and it's over you're on your own we need to be more concerned about our food farm-raised fish we have destroyed over 90% of the large fish population yeah so now everything's farm-raised you know how crazy that sounds that sounds crazy like do you ever remember being at school born and on that farm he had some fish [Music] I don't know what tilapia is but I don't [ __ ] with it I do not [ __ ] with tilapia especially tilapia from China I don't [ __ ] with tilapia the [ __ ] is tilapia I bet you 4 years ago tilapia half feet my foot I was walking around step this some GMOs feet shrunk up and it was like oh [ __ ] I better roll my answer notion and I have to be concerned about what I put in my body I'm a breast cancer survivor so yeah and here's a busy crazy thing but what was a blessing I found out about the breast cancer through a breast reduction yeah I went in for a breast reduction you know cuz I had really big titties I mean they were it was giving me all kind of problems back problems just you know big titty women problems you know big titty girls I'm talking about you go shopping and you go Reese for some more the top shelf and you knock everything down on the bottom shelf over the ocean Louis is this real crystal down [Applause] you go to the movie theater you're the big bucket of popcorn right and you laugh then you get home take your bra popcorn just fall everywhere you're like oh I knew ain't need all that popcorn [Applause] here it is baby you won't watch a movie I got some possible yes I went in I was diagnosed they found it in the pathology of the breast reduction so I was like all right because I have such a strong history of breast cancer on my mom's side I was like I ain't taking any chances ain't [ __ ] around I went for the double mastectomy and now I got you know I'm all healthy got new boobs a fifty two-year-old with the titties of a 22 year old and it's taken me some time to get used to the new titties I got to tell you not was always used to the old ones you know I'd broken them in here I'll get up in the morning brushing my teeth old titties with Jess Hey [Applause] but new titties oh no man newt is I'm brushing my teeth and new titties just like [Laughter] [Applause] who you knew titties up to do titties wanna do 22 year old things they wanna hang out it will go do things I got it I gotta show Duke cities my ID every now and then like hey 52 Lu titties I go to the bar order you know I'm gonna order a glass of wine new titties just jump up shot shot shot [Applause] I'm not doing shots how to stay healthy man I had to go get a colonoscopy now I have to look for a new doctor this is what happened so I went for my colonoscopy right and uh hey you know they put you on the tables you know I'm up there on the table and I'm I'm knocked out and and I said I hear Rhonda Rhonda doctor standing over here and I'm like yeah yeah yeah and he'll he'll look if everything's okay everything's fine but I want you to look at the monitor right there if you just look at that monitor there's just one area I'm looking at the monitor is that the live feed [Laughter] yeah I want no no no we're not supposed to wig me out while you still digging around in my soul would you I'm not supposed to remember any of this anything well it's just the one area I wanted you to look at screen shot [ __ ] screen shot look at [ __ ] y'all came across the room give me some more that Michael Jackson [ __ ] when I came to and got dressed I went to his office and I was like look you might as well just give me my records I I'm never coming back never coming back he's like but why I don't understand what's the prob like you woke me up in the middle of the procedure what the [ __ ] was that he's like well I just want to shoot ooh look at this other why I didn't believe who you were to [ __ ] this is your job I don't know what the inside of an [ __ ] is supposed to look like why are you getting a second opinion from me [ __ ] is wrong with you that's your job you have to see if you looked up they saw rubber chicken I gotta stay healthy man I got it I got to stay healthy especially for my kids you know and my daughter needs it my daughter needs it boy I don't know what the hell happened to her you know my wife and I neither one of us are like girly girls we're not girly girls but my daughter man she's so like you know into Barbies and princes and and we went to stop the Barbie thing I thought you know what I'm not buying her any more Barbies [ __ ] that cuz I thought about it really what does Barbie do you know really I mean we got her the Barbie with the with the dream house with the working elevator what are we teaching her that one day somebody's gonna buy you a dream house would work in elevator I'm looking at my son's toys transformers and you know Legos he's building things being creative his transformers you know they're they're a car one minute and they turn into a robot [ __ ] this Barbie do what does Barbie transform into oh ho that's what Barbie transforms okay uh-huh [ __ ] a dream house Barbie should come with a pimp a corner and a pole Barbie ain't nothin but a starter kit for the Real Housewives that's it my daughter she thinks she's a princess you know she's all in today and I messed up and we took her we took them to Disneyland and look I had to take up a Disneyland because they were going to France that summer and I knew my mother-in-law had plans to take them to Euro Disney and I was like [ __ ] I refuse to let their first Disney experience be in Europe I was like uh-uh they're not gonna go to Disney eat there gets away brains I was like [ __ ] then they going to the US Disney walk around with a giant turkey lean USA and my daughter she lost when we got to the princess castle you know this world II they all hang out you know so but she gets in there she's like oh because she just lost her [ __ ] cuz you know it's Snow White Cinderella Sleeping Beauty they all then and and she is just in her world she's going and hugging them and taking pictures with them and tears and her eyes and she's talking to them and I'm just sitting there watching like wow they're really treating these women like they're that character they bring them tea somebody's Fanning them like she got security around them and [ __ ] and I'm like wow no because you know you're a princess nail but when you clock out you gotta take that long hike to the employee parking lot hey hey yo yo get horse and carriage has now turned into a Ford Fiesta and the AC ain't working you got a roll down your window with a socket wrench because the handle broke off mmm the clock has struck 12 inch it is over it is over [Applause] Olivia's only 7 and she's already figured it out about appearances and looks old princess thing she's already figured it out because I was getting getting out of the shower right that was in a vulnerable position you could say you know I was bent over tiling off and you know esta was hanging out yeah but for those of you who don't know you know this this fat roll right here this is this is esta yeah that's esta it's those favorite things in life bread and alcohol [Applause] she's bad right now Harry I'm get the [ __ ] off the stage I want a daiquiri [Applause] so I'm telling off right and I look up and there's Olivia stare right at me I'm like oh hey sweetheart how you doing no talent offer she comes up she said Babu you have a big big big big big big big big stomach and Esther goes break a little wrist take a hand I was like wow Olivia boy jeez well you really huh might be true there you know my boo probably did pick up a few pounds you know we had a harsh winter you know but boy you really that was a lot of Biggs you put it in there did was that necessary all those Biggs I mean let's think about it you say you say a big big big big big big big big stomach that's a big that's too many Biggs just one big I got it and she could tell that she hurt my feelings as she went it's still pretty though that was scary yeah yeah right I was like uh Olivia no no I said you know beauty is on the inside it's about who you are as a person on the inside not on the outside okay it's about treating people with respect and being loving that's that's beauty and she went and walked away how's her oh my gosh she's gonna be one of those little Maine girls and I thought I was like do I go leg sweeper [Laughter] or let her have a life lesson does she learn a life lesson I said I will let her learn a life lesson because I because she is little fat kids at her school yeah cuz I know one day she gonna come home from school and she's gonna be upset not be there for I will be there for and I'd be like Olivia sweetheart you okay are you sure okay you know did you want to talk about it no okay you sure cuz uh I noticed you know you have a big big big big big big big big lip [Applause] you're still pretty though what happened man what I started off I don't even want kids you know and now I have twins you know a boy and a girl and it's just like how olivia is all girl Lucas oh boy oh boy you know plays with his penis you don't wash his ass good you know real man and the but whiteford thing my goodness I didn't realize how bad it was I was running his bathwater right I'm running the bathwater and everything okay Lucas go ahead man get undressed come on so he's getting undressed and I hear you drop stop what happened what was that I look down at his underwear I was like you did feel it Lupe's you didn't feel that you know what gets the car kick the damn car get in the damn car so make no sense I got to drive down to Tijuana just to teach you how to wipe your legs you are ridiculous you know that what the hell put this big-ass wall up here [Applause] so what we did with Lucas we said okay you know what until you learn how to clean yourself good we're gonna check you just to make sure you're doing it right he didn't like that so he told he he was on it he was doing better you know so a couple months ago he was in the bathroom and he's in the bathroom downstairs and in this particular bathroom he said his mirrors on both walls and it was black tile and I know it sounds tacky but it's beautiful trust me it's gorgeous I see some gay guys in here like this [Applause] gorgeous trust me so he's in the bathroom and also not him mommy boos you Finny so I go in the bathroom I'm like okay so I bent down let them let me check he's gonna be checking so Heep he bends down you know he's been down so I go get the paper and I'm like and I caught myself in the mirror I bet Harry tough is rolled around in a grave right now [Applause] [Music] [Applause] and not here my wife baby so far everything okay ah that's how I got here I fell in love with that [ __ ] that's right my kids speak French yeah I kiss be French they go to French school yeah I pay for them to go to school to learn to not to be able to communicate with me plus it makes you crazy what's it makes you crazy I learned how to snowboard trying to impress my wife down she grew up skiing on the French outs all right my black ass hey no damn ski lodge a snowboard nothing like that we hate that [ __ ] I'd only thing we did was like you know when the ditch froze over we put on our church shoes and went sliding and now you know the kids they have age to be skiing it snowboard so she's booking trips for them to go you know she's they baby I got a trip and I'm gonna be gonna take the kids snowboarding okay we're gonna start skiing so we're gonna take the kids skiing okay that was like are you going no boy you like just no board right like mmm I like [ __ ] that was all smoke and mirrors babe I catch you doing this [ __ ] no more just killed myself out there you got to stay connected as a couple you do my wife is good about that she keeps us connected man but only thing is she does it with a surprise you know why she likes to do surprises which I don't like I don't know I don't like the surprise that you gotta let me know what we're doing you know but we'll get in the car and I think we're late going one place and I'm like babe the restaurant is this way no no no I have another surprise for you oh by the way my wife doesn't even smoke this is just how I see her I booked us a room tonight at the resort just the two of us no kids a little little getaway for us okay then when you're 50 to a surprise getaway feels more like a kidnapping you're saying you just can't whisk me away like that I have prescriptions I'm thinking all this [ __ ] I don't have I'm sorry I'm having my neti pot I can't what the [ __ ] I'm freaking out I gotta have text my friends please help me nobody I am I too old for am but alert please help I'm on the 101 knowing what a crazy white French lady she is please you gotta get away you got to get away cuz it's hard it's hard to you know have that intimacy and you know and hey you naked time when you're home cuz the kids get in the way the kids to get up in the build a night they run to your room you're always listening out form you know and like even if you do decide you want to do something you like okay the keys to see did you guys take you pajamas off you had to lay them out like a volunteer fireman so like some jump off you can hurt him get back into all you know like [Applause] occurs [Applause] yeah yeah [Laughter] this sleep is like this [Applause] yes they come to your room they wake you up you know they get up in the middle of night they run to your room and our kids they're no different they do the same thing you know bang I tell you it took me some time to get used to that it did it took a while to get used to that I mean jeez I'm sorry black woman waking up in the middle of the night and see two little white kids staring at the foot of your bed that's some scary [ __ ] you know don't get me wrong I've known a mine I love him to death but I mean it just took me off guard you know I'm sleeping I wake up is like hah [ __ ] okay hey hey y'all hey you don't cut that blonde hand the moon hitting it and then the blue eyes lit up and it's just two of them standing there's a life you know it's almost like adhere to music you know [Music] mommy boo hey how do I get here but you know what when I think about it I don't know exactly what happened I know what happened to me I know what happened you know what progress that's what happened look I am now legally married to the woman I love in all 50 states I have two healthy gorgeous smart kids and my name is on their birth certificate yeah so you know what happened progress that's what happened yeah I'm so happy it's so grateful and I'm telling you I mean it's not the more rewarding than you know with the kids and and my favorite time is is the end of the day when they go to bed I love it that's my favorite moment all parents know that yeah I'd say well you they put the ants to bed that's my favorite moment because it's just like yep made it through another one got through another one you know and I love that and I hate when I when I miss that you know so I was downstairs one night you know cleaning up after dinner you know being the help and my wife came downstairs and she had already put the kids to bed I was like oh shoot let me run upstairs and say good night before they fall asleep you know so I go upstairs and I go on Olivia's room I'm like give her a kiss I'll say good night princess you're still pretty but I go over to Lucas's room I'm light good night Lucas and I give him a kiss and he goes mommy boo yeah baby I can't see you [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] each please [Music]

Channel: waen-tv atlanta

Views: 2,170,561

Rating: 4.6665545 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: JMLuOvRpyts

Length: 59min 5sec (3545 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 27 2018