You're Not An Adult At 18. Jeff Jena - Full Special

well son you've been looking here for 27 years apparently you are somewhere I know we have a lot of young people here in this audience this is a great mix of people here how many young people here buy your plugs you still live at home give me your applause you still live at home smart do not be embarrassed young man listen to this live at home as long as you possibly can you got that you sucked every nickel possible out of your parents don't be in a hurry to get some dump of your own to live in I lived at home till I was 27 because I was trying to find myself and then when they boom I found myself out in the front yard with all my stuff [Applause] [Music] I come home my dad had moved all my stuff out onto the yard I'm gonna be daddy this ain't fair I'm still trying to burn it it's like well son you've been looking here for 27 years apparently you are somewhere else now go to look there some pal maybe when you find yourself you can pick up a job nearby a be good I moved back in with my parents when my mom was sick my wife and I sold our house in California and moved back home to be with my mother and father at the age of 55 I moved back into my parents house and I learned an incredibly valuable lesson when that happened that I'm gonna share with everybody here tonight I don't care if you're 18 or 88 it applies to our lives and this this is it here it comes young man ready your relationship with your parents will continue to get weirder and weirder as you get older you know what I'm saying remembering your like 15 16 you're living at home getting it argue with your parents you're up in room me I can't believe I have to take this I cannot wait till I'm 21 cause when I'm an adult I will make them treat me as their equal I cannot wait for that day you know what I learned ten years ago that day never comes you never get on the same adult level as your father and I learned that one day when I was cutting the grass for my dad I'm 55 years old at the time I'm cutting the grass and the hot Sun as a favor favor let me explain this to my young friend here I don't get my allowance anymore I'm not getting that big buck and a quarter a week I used to get I'm cutting grass for free well listen I turn around my dad is sitting up here on the front porch he's supervising my work now I'm 55 years old I know how to cut grass I'm not gonna stick my hand under the mower I'm not gonna check the fuel with a lighted match you go in the house I don't need your help any more and in that moment I realize it will always be this way someday I'll be 80 my dad will be a hundred and fourteen he'll still be sitting up there on the porch [Laughter] [Music] and I'll be out there behind the mower I just want your approval why can't you just love me I thought you'd be dead by now I thought this part of my life would be over thank you guys for so much for that crate welcome my name is Jeff Chen it's great to be here I am glad to be out of the Midwest where I live now we've had a horrible winter the weather it's been horrible it's snowed again on April the 9th it's been horrible it was so bad even the home school kids got snow days well I'm wearing my Fitbit tonight I don't know if anybody else has the Fitbit my wife gave me that for Christmas and it's a nice gift but I don't think it would have gone as well the other way around I also learned something else this winter I'm getting older I I learned this when I was hanging around with a group of millennial people young people and I slipped on ice and fell down and they didn't laugh they all went are you ok can we help you up I just gotten to the age where I don't even try to bend over and pick things up anymore you know I dropped something I find a young guy and just shame him I got more time than you I don't work anymore come on pick it up so weird - getting old you know I gotta wear my glasses to do everything now I gotta wear my glasses when I shave it's weird and you can always tell older guys who don't cuz I always have another care spider growing out of their neck somewhere it's like how do you miss the same spot 9 days in a row so a couple of days ago I'm doing a show I go to the drugstore get some of those new 5 blade razors I want to check them out right I put one next to the sink so I know where it is when I get out of the shower I get out of the shower it's very steamy I can't find my glasses I say that's okay I know where the razor is soap up start shaving unbelievable shave so smooth no pool no drag unbelievable finally the steam settles I find my glasses I put them on I realized I hadn't taken the plastic cap off the razor that's a special kind of stupid right there I'm a dad where's my dad's here tonight dad's make some noise I'm a dad I have one son my son's name is miles if I mention him later in the show miles is my son unless I'm in Canada then he's kilometres younger people help the older people they don't get the metric system look at them they're confused he is a great board he is our only child so you as you can imagine he is the crown prince at our house and he just turned 19 I love that reaction so let me answer the question and every woman in the rooms mind right now 66 C cuz I know when I say got a 19 year old son every woman or man goes well how the heck old are you grandpa that's not right he's got a 19 year old and are Picard older people help the younger people with that joke that's a good joke he's a great boy he just turned 19 I was in charge of the birthday party this year here's what we did we had some cake and ice cream we gave him the presents and it was dads when here's children when they turned 1 did you guys have a birthday party for him of course of course and that was your idea dad of course not when Myles turned 1 my wife and I got in a huge argument about the birth divide ends up like she's yelling at me across the house it's important that we have his friends over I'm like baby he's 1 he doesn't know his own friends I'm out of the house for 3 hours you don't know me when I come back in now I don't have to tell any dad in the house tonight who won this argument do I dad's we ended up spending $1,800 oh I see the look young millennial man let me explain this it's kind of like some kind of government project there were cost overruns and Union problems we spent $1,800 on a birthday party for a one-year-old see I thought my idea was much better this is my deal I said we take him to the County Fair put him on a pony have his picture taken I take the picture home I throw it into a drawer and I wait I wait 5 8 15 years from now he will find that picture and he will come to me his father and then go daddy what with this when I bought you opponent we used to ride him all around the neighborhood then one day I had to go out of town your mom didn't take care of many died I know you don't remember that babe do you I know what I like about this venue is I don't have to run out the door after the show tonight I got some friends here I'm gonna hang around I'm gonna talk to people after show and please come up and talk after the show cuz if you can't tell I love talking to people but if we're talking later tonight there's only one thing I do not need to hear from you and that's jokes about being older dad cuz I have heard them all already like my son started playing basketball nine years ago and since I grew up in Kentucky that's kind of the law now every time I go to a game or a practice all the young dads are there the twenty and thirty something that's like hey look at that Grampa guy somebody better get a chair for the old fella I don't think you can stand up for a whole game it's 40 minutes long Pop's have you got that in yet and I think every dad does this when my son graduates from college I will be dead especially if it takes in nine years like it did for me and now I'm a I'm a safe distance from genius myself anyway this is the worst one that ever happened it's been a few years ago since this happened I'm doing a show at a big theater my wife Carrie and my son miles come along with me we're driving home together it's late at night now my son miles he's in the back he's in that NASA approved astronaut safety see see now every young dad in here knows exactly what I'm talking about but you older dad's you didn't have to have that my dad had nine kids sometimes it's all on the car same time you think he had nine safety seats are there young guy no way you know our dads safety device was the arm of Steel I got ya all right now on the back get above the floor let me look at you you ain't bleeding it back up arrow on the seat you got a hold on when batter hits the brakes I know the plastic on the seat asipi see that's a generational joke right there look at all order people laugh and look at these young millennial people going plastic on the seat where they taking that to recycling somewhere when that had a 1959 Pontiac Bonneville when I was a kid we used to go on a long drive I used to lay up on the dashboard and get some Sun one of my younger brothers been laying in the back my youngest brother be sick between my daddy's legs helping him drive at least go by they never stopped my dad that's so cute my daddy would wait back with a beer in his hand we all make a shot I'm just saying young guys is a different time back then I'm not saying that was a good idea for behavior anyway we're driving home it's late at night my son he's in the back he's in the NASA approved astronaut safety seat now my wife Kara she's up here in the front and she's going through what these young moms call the diaper bag but young dads it ain't about diapers is it no that's the bag of life for any possible emergency that might arise oh there's diapers and wipes and little deaths attendants and baby powder and then there's like this giant bar it's got milk and water and six kinds of juice cuz I don't know what the boys gonna want to drink if he wakes up and then there's a hypodermic needle needle filled with epinephrine in case of bee flies into the car and happens to sing the child he might have an allergic reaction you gotta jam him in the heart and stop the allergic reaction and then there's a nuclear radiation suit cuz the bomb could go off and wear out what's wrong with you don't you love your child that's because these young moms are what they call helicopter moms you ever hear that term before means they hover over their kid try to protect them from every bump and scrape in life and you older moms here tonight back me up on this not possible and my wife Carrie the worst the worst I remember miles about three years old we're walking down the street one day he's got mommy say it's like mommy mommy mommy mommy what's that she goes son those are dad's aunt and we're there for the next 35 minutes for a lecture on ants and community insects and how they build their sandcastle homes and all they follow each other what there's thirty five minutes you think my mother had time for that nine kids she's trying to get us all some where you going hey mom what's that she's like that's dad came over so we're driving home it's late at night my son he's in the back he's in the NASA approved astronaut safety seat the love of my life Kari she's up in the front she's going through the bag of life all of a sudden she looks up at me in a panic panic we are out of peppers we're out of Pampers I said baby relax we are 15 minutes from home she goes excuse me did I ask you where we were Pampers no oh I look at that your daddy's having flashbacks right now man I'll whip up the ramp off the interstate fortunately there's a drugstore right at the top of the ramp there a jump out of the car and my best Starsky and Hutch I said baby that's the old reference but you can use it I said baby he's asleep you stay here with him I'm gonna run and get some pampers out there right back first young woman work and I rap I go sweetheart I'm in a huge hurry I need some diapers [Laughter] see if some of the older people get had a story here she takes me to the depends aisle so I don't need to hear any old dad jokes out of all y'all tonight beautiful time springtime beautiful time I love summer I love the holiday season too it's like I can't wait for the next holiday season all the time my favorite holiday Christmas I love me some Christmas my least favorite holiday is every man in this room's least favorite holiday ladies Valentine's Day every man in here hates Valentine's Day ladies and here's why for guys Valentine's Day is exactly the same holiday as Halloween think about it young lady today where he got a dress up pretend he's somebody he ain't and then he gives away candy I thought I had a good idea this year cuz because I love my wife I try to be romantic I try to please her I thought I had a great idea this year I got it from the popular culture there's this rock and roll singer named Katy Perry she got married to an English comedian named Russell Brand now unfortunately their marriage did not work out but guys guys listen to this when they got married they went over there to India got married in a big ole ceremony and ties do you know what he'd give her for a wedding gift and elephant what but but he's an environmentalist guy so he didn't really give her an elephant he only gave her the thought of giving her an elephant unless the elephant to live in its natural habitat guys this is brilliant you know what I got my beautiful bride this year for Valentine's Day a brand-new Mercedes Benz but I list it in its natural habitat down there at the dealership [Applause] [Music] I love being married I truly do man anyway I love me some Christmas my favorite Christmas was when my son was nine years old because that was the Christmas when my son was Santa agnostic he wasn't sure about Santa anymore and my wife and I had tried to preserve the innocence of childhood for as long as we could but he'd heard things from the other boys and girls at school who had older brothers and sisters so he really wasn't sure about Santa so that Christmas he still wrote his letter to Santa but he cc'd me and this will amazed two older parents here tonight but not the younger parents the number one thing the number one thing on my son's Christmas list that year and I hear guys say that all the time Xbox Playstation we I had to explain to myself when I was his age we didn't even imagine having anything like that Daddy serious no Xbox Daddy what would you do ahead I said son we had cardboard box it kind of made hole in the side you drug it into the front yard it became your PlayStation number one thing on my son's Christmas list cell phone you're nine years old who are you gonna call he goes oh I'm not gonna call anyone I'm gonna text have you seen these packs of kids at the mall or at church or at school they're texting you know they're running into babies and old ladies they're knocking over strollers cuz they got the face in the phone we're texting we're texting and do you know who they are texting another kid 9 feet away a couple of weeks ago I'm driving my son and my niece somewhere 8 o'clock in the morning this is what I hear from the backseat for 15 minutes we get to a red light I can't take any more turn around see who are you people said in message 2 and 8 o'clock in the morning they both look at me like I'm the idiot in the car each other I said you're in the car together why don't you just hold I don't know talk my niece looks right at me knows we don't want you to hear we're saying and my nephew who you think would know better my nephew graduated last May from the University of Kentucky five-year degree architectural engineering this is a smart young man at my house at my house on Christmas Day in front of the whole family he starts making fun of me goes uncle Jeffrey you've just gotten to oh you don't understand the technology why they have developed technologies in cell phones which allow the sender of a text to sneak his text into the phone send them and the receivers phone will speak the text - love - wow this Alexander Graham Bell know about this technology of course my nephew went to a public school in Kentucky so he really wasn't true Alexander Graham Bell was Oh judging from a few of the faces right there maybe not everybody here tonight does either Alexander Graham Bell was the co-founder of the Apple computer company she should have googled it anyway I'm gonna jump to the end of this story when I'm out here 2,000 miles from my family in a room full of people who I don't know I try to act like I'm the tough dad the hammer the boss the disciplinarian but I will be honest with every dad here when it comes to my son I am a total pushover so I don't have to tell anybody here what he got for Christmas that year do I cellphone egg who said Xbox somebody is not following the story cellphone but whenever I give my son an expensive gift I try to add a little lesson in life that maybe maybe he will carry with them longer than the gift lasts let me give an example we're at the Walmart a little while back we're back in the video game section my son's a guy dad check it out man man 18 can I get that I'm like you're gonna get it sure go ahead he gets the guy gets it out of the box takes it up the front boo boo 79 bucks he looks at me I look at him and I go oh I thought you were getting that I'm not buying mad and they came you got mad and 14 and helmet works perfectly fine they'll take that and put it back yo so your hilarious dad you and your little life lessons embarrass me whenever you get well you know what someday you're gonna go in a home and I'll be paying and you're not gonna get a Madden 18 home I'm gonna give you like a mad no for home what do you think about that Oh it'll work and everything it won't just be that nice and sometimes he turns that sense of humor around on me like we're at the grocery store the other day the women would the woman who was ringing up my groceries is about my age she looks at me she looks at my son and makes a common mistake she goes isn't that sweet that your grandson comes grocery shopping with you I go mmmm this is my son he goes grandpa come on [Music] he's losing it upstairs lady sometimes he gets confused and thinks I'm my dad when my dad was a boy can you get us out of here I gotta get it back to his home the mad no for home where he spends his miserable days anyway you remember what it was like when you were 9 10 years old you knew what you hope Santa brought you you know what you were looking for under that tree at Christmas morning my son jumps out of bed runs down the stairs looks under the tree and sees that perfect little box grabs it rips off the paper I got a phone for Christmas opens it up starts reading dress shows daddy daddy I have to plug this thorn in allowed to charge completely before I use it it might take as much as six hours I go will you better get to it pause it in all day long he's run by the little table oh it's not ready it's still charging I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait finally after about five hours the phone is charged up takes it off the charger turns it on that daddy there is something seriously wrong with this phone it's not working I said yeah you know maybe you should ask Santa for service do [Music] hey maybe next Christmas [Music] excuse me I'm gonna change gears a little bit here and talk about something that a lot of comics won't talk about in their shows and I do it as a tribute to my mother who was beautiful and funny woman and part of my inspiration for being a comedian today there's an old saying in comedy that that comedy is tragedy plus time and with that in mind I'd like to tell you a little bit about my mom who was funny and hilarious she we lost her a little over four years ago and it's something we're all gonna have to deal with cuz I I don't know if you're aware of this or not but the human mortality rate is 100 percent we're all going there some day and unfortunately I lost my mom before I was ready to she died after a long long battle with cancer and she was a wonderful month you know what kind of mom my mom was she was this kind of mom does anybody have a mom like my mom you would go home to visit her when you were an adult child right and she would start telling you a story and you would have no idea what she's trying to tell you you remember that fella named Billy Billy no my dog Billy no you go guess you went to high school with him I didn't go to high school with the Billy yes you did he had a big move forward a Fahrenheit convertible you guys used to drive the play on a truck and she'd go on for 25 30 35 minutes trying to remind you it and you've got no clue who that Billy is no finally you just want the conversation to end and move on to the next topic so you say something like oh and my mom goes well he's dead mom maybe that should have been the beginning of the story how about this next time Billy's dead do you remember him when my mom passed away it was two weeks before my mother and father's 65th wedding anniversary thank you very much they had a great ride and even though we had seen it coming as you can imagine when when my mom passed my father was heartbroken so he came to me and asked me to arrange my mother's funeral now I hope that you never ever have to do this sad job for a friend or a loved one and I'm sure some of you already have had this bad experience in your life but if you do ever have this experience I want to try to help you with some of my funeral arranging tips number one beware of the funeral director it seems like he's on your side I'm gonna help you through this grieving process I know how you are feeling right now he gets you in that casket display room did you even know there was one catch in there goes your mother was a beautiful woman but not as beautiful as this baby right here this is solid oak these are sterling silver handles I'm gonna let this go today for only six thousand eight hundred thousand oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you did not just ask me to spend six thousand eight hundred dollars on something we're gonna put in the ground in two weeks I got an idea why don't you show me the box that thing came in maybe we can work something out many tries to guilt-trip mayor oh you wouldn't disgrace your mother's memory that way you didn't know my mom did you my mother was a beautiful funny frugal old woman I spent $6,800 on a cassock she will get up off that table in the other room she will come in here and kill me we will have two funerals this week and then he starts to feature benefit thing but but but this this casket is a Batesville it's guaranteed to be airtight and waterproof for 100 years like you're gonna check ten years ago my sister and I be sitting around going you think mom's still dry I could use them a six strand back that's all I'm saying but but the Batesville is the Cadillac of caskets that's awesome I'm looking for more like a Ford Focus of Castor's something nice but maybe a little more economical and then if you ever have had this that experience you know this is true that when they're finished and you've made your selection they always close the deal with this word comfort I think your mother will be very comfortable would you like the $85 a pillow option dude she's dead I don't believe her necks gonna get any stiffer I bring the whole word from home I roll it up and put it under there what are you saying a few weeks after we had the services from my mom I was sharing some of this with my father and two days later he come into the house and through a big envelope on the table I said daddy what said he good buddy that is pre-need every time it goes I have a range my own funeral really that what are we gonna do goes don't burn me up I'm gonna get in a cardboard box it put me out and they burn me up and to give you dashes I said that's great but what do you want me to do with the ashes it goes I don't care I'll be in heaven with mom you can do whatever you want with them and then you backtrack a little bit on me goes but I'll tell you what son you know we have always loved playing golf together so if you take a little bit of me spread it out there on the golf course and it'd be like every time they're out there we're out there together and I said I'll do it dad except you forgot my sense of humor let me tell you some but my dad he can't get out of a sand trap when he's alive he's gonna spend eternity there and I don't want any big it the reminder cuz I love my dad awesome guy just my father is 89 years old he's an official old and I know that because he owns the official old guy car my dad has a 1979 Buick battlestar galactica ever driven a big old car like that you're like a pirate behind the wheel yo grab the wheel out I can't hold the run me on it's a big car young dude that's all I'm trying to tell you you get that thing on interstate you can't stay in one lane you drift across all of the lanes which is why these older guys like to keep a turn signal on for you all the time he didn't forget he just don't know where he's gonna go and you know what my Uncle Artie it's worse uncle Artie is 95 he is the youngest brother he's actually my great-uncle he is the youngest brother of my grandfather he's 95 he lives with my dad there's a great idea got a 95 year old guy there was another guy who's well into his 80s they have invented a new game it's called huh [Laughter] they play for hours they sit around in the house all day Hey you know what's really weird I'm home 20 minutes I know what they're talking about listen you guys have been fantastic [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 723,592

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Jena, Jeff Jena Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Jena Comedy, Jeff Jena Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, milenial child, millennials, old age, getting older, find yourself, dbc, living at home

Id: SCCd-Y3sthg

Length: 35min 22sec (2122 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 16 2020