Billy Gardell Halftime Full Show

you're listening to jim craig randy bauman and the dvd morning show [Music] so ladies and gentlemen please welcome home billy gardell [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah thank you god almighty thank you thank you thank you thank you wow look at this joint huh [Applause] well thank you so much for coming down to celebrate my one hour special for comedy central it's awesome i get to do it here in my hometown for those of you watching at home uh just give me 45 seconds here i got to say hi to my hometown real quick i am glad you can come downtown tonight for about so we went down the hardware store his foot his wallet fell out i said you got to get some gum bands and wrap that tight man that's falling all over the place so anyway after we fixed the spigot he said you eat i said no jew he said you want to have a sandwich i said yeah let's get a chip tam or a jumbo he said that's a good idea i said you know i'm doing my showdown time about an hour he said well you know what i can't make it i got to work a double he said but do me a favor if this thing makes you big and famous don't act like a jagoff ah laugh it up man that's all we got left is laughter right that's all we got man everything else will scare you to death right now won't it can't even turn the news on that'll horrify you right murder death rape child abduction economy oil spill 95 degrees good luck didn't anybody get a cat out of a tree or something i could hold on to i need some hope hope is a dying commodity so i try to hold on to stories that inspire me my favorite story of the year last year hands down was that pilot that landed that plane on the hudson river sully sully right and you know his name had to be sully if that was a chad or a winston he would have cartwheeled that plane right through the middle of manhattan just up there peeing on himself my dad's not here i don't know what to do sully's like let me finish my coffee we'll land his in the river what do you think i'm gonna walk up and down the aisles looking for babies and hot chicks to give cpr to i'm sully and where might i find captain jack sparrow that's a man right there man let me tell you something if i ever did anything that heroic in my life i would use that argument against my wife for the rest of my life you didn't clean up in here i landed a plane on the hudson river you know she's like every other wife she's heard it so many times she's like tell us again how you saved everybody birds in the engine and we can land on the river but we can't cut the goddamn grass [Applause] that's the joy of marriage right there man another good story a couple weeks ago british columbia little boys in his backyard playing with his dog a cougar jumps over the fence a cougar not now the little boy's dog attacks the cougar right the little boy runs in the house to safety and while he's watching from the window his dog and the cougar are fighting the cougars tearing it up the cops show up they killed the cougar the little boy's dog has three operations and lives it's a good story right it's a good story but i started thinking about it you think that dog came home with a little bit of an attitude oh you bet your ass i'm sleeping in your bed tonight timmy yeah i'd love to wiggle my tail and beg for food but as you can see i don't have a tail anymore you imagine him trying to get that dog to go play here boy fix the fetch you can go yourself i fought a cougar for you turn on the heat i'm gonna go pee on your bed you little ungrateful we got three legs left now the scary part is man those were actual stories that happened that's the world we live in dude the game is now can you keep your sanity because people are snapping you know that little voice in your head that you're not supposed to listen to now i mean somebody cut you off you go god i'd love to wreck into him right now people are starting to listen to that voice there's a guy in texas flew his plane into a building the irs building i heard building and plane i went and heard irs i was like well let's hear him out i'm pretty sure i know how that phone call went what's that you're taking my house i'll bring the keys right over you guys are on the fourth floor right fourth floor getting old man heard the gun for half time go off when i turn 40. i'm at halftime in my life my life is half over and i played a sloppy first half man i didn't think the game was going to go this long i didn't took some time outs coming down the field you know you're getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping i ever wake up what the was i dreaming about oh god then you got to lie to your buddies i ripped my neck up moving the fridge really now i sprained it on a pillow it's all going to hell i don't know what happened [Music] the older you get the more stuff you gotta quit you know like i quit smoking weed i had to i got a seven-year-old you know how stupid you look when you can't figure out chutes and ladders and you throw a fit about it if i get here i gotta go to the bottom i ain't playing that's not good parenting [Music] if you're over 35 too technology doesn't have you by the throat that known you and i like that people my age look at technology like yeah i can't figure that out just turn the radio on or something i don't believe in all those buttons man let me tell you something if you're under 25 and you use your cell phone a lot i want you to do me a favor for two hours a day i want you to put your phone in your drawer that way you remember how to hold a conversation [Applause] [Applause] i cannot talk to someone under 25 without a two minutes into the conversation they pull that phone out and start hitting them buttons yeah yeah it's like watching a chimp filipino they act like their phones their personality right that's all they want to talk about that phone i always tell young guys work on your car nobody ever got laid in the back of an iphone they love that phone man they want to tell you all about it look check out my phone bro check it out you gotta go look at it look at it look at that look at all the applications this one tells me the weather in five different places i'm never going to be look at that that's awesome you ever notice they never make any grown-up applications it's just all the trick kids in the blinking lights look it's blinking it swirls that's magic i'm gonna make something for my age group make me a wife app that way i can scream into that phone i'll be home when i said i'll be home and then you hit the button and she hears honey i'm a little delayed i want you to know i was thinking about you i love you and i'll be home soon that shows you how old i am i just hung up the iphones you know put that right on the rocker not a fan all the buttons man and i'll tell you why i have a seven-year-old and i don't want him to have to download his childhood you understand i want him to be a kid i want him to go outside and play and think of stuff to do and it's hard as a parent man you got to let him play some video games right because you got to let him keep up with his boys at school you don't want to be that weird kid at the lunch table shooting marbles going my dad says this is a video again but there's got to be a happy middle ground i don't want to be one of them video vegetables you know what i mean go outside and play that's it you know use your imagination we didn't have a nano or a playstation or an ipod or a psp or i had a stick and on a good day a roll of caps and a rock what was that [Music] don't structure your kids lifestyle they want to play let them play man sometimes you got to make them play and i don't believe in the play date i'll tell you that it's a play date he's on a play date we never had play dates my dad would look at you and go get out of the house and then he would lock the door you couldn't get back anything if you wanted to i'm thirsty use the hose taking a nap i'll see you in a couple hours and you left for eight hours nobody knew where you were there was no supervision right i ain't just wandering around with a book of matches looking for the burn unlocked me out of the house i'll get your attention old man if that's what you're looking for of course that was back in the good old days yeah when you can send your kid outside to play it's a little tougher now i'm so old i remember when the woods wasn't a dangerous place [Music] it's not like that no more they do get some advantage as kids today though right they get to do whatever they want my son is the prince man all he has to do is ask mommy can we please go to the chair honey let's get in the truck and make a memory my dad's answer for everywhere you ever wanted to go was they're closed i see people in there they're cleaning monday's their cleaning day [Music] everywhere my wife takes my my son to eat she's got those antibacterial wipes right so wow there's a virus that's coming from germany i read about it if you kill all of us right now it's not we're fine you want to know why kids are all sick because everything's too purified and filtered that's the problem there's no immune system anymore you could be at a ballgame with my dad drop a sandwich in a dirty go what are you doing pick it up first two bites are crunchy you're good to rest it away let's go that's 450. that's 450. that's how they used to disinfect stuff they blow on it eat it eat it we didn't have hand sanitizer my mom would spit in the tissue come here come here [Applause] alive god bless her she's always reading what's best for the boy you know she knows not to listen to me i'm just an idiot she's always trying to turn me on to like the new things you know she's like don't feed him sugar after 3 p.m that'll wreck his metabolism well as you can see my parents didn't give up my parents thought a metabolism was some weird flu you could get don't get that metabolism that'll kill you you don't want to get that don't get don't feed them sugar you're out of your mind i grew up in a house and by the time you were nine if you got my dad a beer your reward was a sip i'm pretty sure that's not many parenting handbooks today take a sip of that don't tell your mother that's my boy and the old man knew what he was doing because by the fourth beer i was going for him i got you baby [Applause] by the time i was 12 his buddies had come over i'd come out in the living room like a vendor [Music] everybody in l.a gives their kids medicine that's how they parent they go oh he had a.d.d we had to give him some ritalin that's him drooling right there with the crayons we didn't have ritalin now what happens when you had add when i was a kid my dad would get an inch from your face and go pay attention i'm cool i'm cool they got away from me for a minute but i'm all right now i'm okay that medicine's ridiculous man see their their goal is to get us to take a pill for everything we do right i want to take a pill for everything here's bill to eat his pill here's bill to sleep there's a pill that offset your eat sleep well here's heck are you kidding me man you think the guys that were about to storm the beach at normandy were wandering around on the boats going i feel a little anxious about what we're about to do here no because there's an old guy going looking louder [Applause] uh don't get me wrong some people need medicine like if you're having thoughts in your head like i should cut open a cat and wear it like a hat you need medicine but everybody else let's suck it up just a little bit i don't trust medicine i don't trust new medicine you know why because the fda doesn't care about us anymore they're in bed with all the pill makers they just want to make money off us they're just making stuff up man they're making it up those diseases don't exist shaky leg disease give me a break really sis stop drinking red bull with your vodka your dick it's that simple it's shaky leg disease [Music] really and they don't test it anymore either nobody tests anything that's the problem right because when they tell you about a new medicine they tell you what it's supposed to do then that creepy little guy's voice comes on and tells you what it's really going to do right like we don't hear that part take zola for anxiety and depression then you hear that guy's voice michael's bleeding from the ass i'd rather be sad than leak pretty sure if i was leaking i'd be sad what's got you down bill my ass is leaking it's the third time this week man i'm happily married i know that because she told me check in with the admiral every morning come down in the kitchen blow that navy whistle and i wait i wait for my list my list of chores my honeydew list they should call it they're here don't do nothing stupid while i'm gone and they have to give us that list yeah they have to because we need it men are no good unsupervised we will make the wrong decision every time just be driving down the road happy hour i like to be happy for an hour [Applause] five hours later your naked pen and your hamper going i hate your mother i hate her there i said it i hate i hate her have to be ready to get married because when she comes in it's here comes the judge jeff a woman brings order to the house order they're not messing around jack you put a ring on your woman's finger that's like asking a detective to follow you for the rest of your life where are you going who you going with i don't know him how long have you known him when did he call when did you make this plan when did you decide you were going to go do this what were you going to tell me i'll tell you anything you want to do no more questions i'll get the chief i'll sign the confession i did it [Music] you're married long enough you start to feel like henry hill and goodfellas you see those helicopters have been following me all day my wife comes home from work i hear that noise from law and order a congo you want to take a walk [Applause] why do they always want to take a walk wanna take a walk you take a walk what nothing get in my shoes maybe we'll see a bird talk about that for a half hour i'll never get back i love when i meet single young men who don't think the game is played that way too they're my favorite idiots just kids they still got that fight in them no way bro i get a girl she's going to know the rules i see i see you digging a hole son you're digging a bright boy there's no more goofing around you get married there are rules deck and you can't sneak any money out anymore they know i don't know how they know but they know you'll be out with your buddies middle of the night hit that atm machine i'll take out another 60 fellas i'm the man as soon as that money hits your hand she wakes up wings shoot out of her back she starts hovering the earth where are you when you get home don't lie about what you took because she checked now she's testing your honesty you laughed here again you might as well be jesus because she will know you to the cross right there when you walk in the door you know you're in trouble because she's perched on the mantle how much did you spend so we lie because we're stupid and by the way ladies this one's from me to you it's on the house it's a freebie every man starts a lie with this face god bless you ladies you have to endure how stupid we are uh that's why it baffles me after after 10 years she still wants to talk to me what is wrong with her what is wrong with any of you don't don't talk to us nothing smart comes out of here we got two speech stupidity and perversion that's it that's all there is stop hoping for a good conversation call your friend she'll give you an intelligent conversation that's why when you girls go what are you thinking we go nothing because you couldn't handle how stupid it is it would blow your brain right out of the front of your skull what are you thinking i was wondering if i get beer to shoot out of my windshield wiper into my mouth while i'm driving what are you thinking i was thinking about building a conveyor belt from the couch to the fridge what do you think it would cost seriously you have to deal with those dummies ladies i'm sorry but you put us through it a little bit too though like when you get married you think you're going to get laid whenever you want what a that is the longer you're married the harder they make you work for it man after 10 years dinner and a movie don't cut it after 10 years you got to say stuff like who wants new floors i smell a trip to macy's start talking dirty i don't like watching tv with my wife i hate her programs i just said that because she's not here ladies if your man's been with you for a while and he's still watching your programs he's just trying to get laid and that's how dumb we are instead of romans who watched your show if you wanna really that's your a game right there i hate watching tv but i just don't like the channel she watches that lifetime channel there's a lot of pain on the lifetime channel man i watched a lifetime movie two weeks ago i got a yeast infection it's always some woman setting some man on fire and the scary part is your wife watch is like yeah sister you go ahead light him up he deserved every bit of that he ignored you light him on fire latter it's a woman running down a hallway with a busted leg after a half hour i start rooting for the murderer i do she went right in the storeroom go get her that is she watches those do-it-yourself channels whoever invented the do-it-yourself network should be set on fire in a dumpster somewhere i'm not you have any paint stores i've been in since that stuff hit the air my wife's standing there two colors in her hand which color do you like this one or this one i like that one i like this all right we'll get that one i want to know what you like no you don't yeah which one do you like do you want to know which one i like honey i like the one that'll get us out of here i'll buy all of them right now let's go i just want to get home and sit yeah i do see that's what they hate most about us fellas is that we can sit still and be happy it makes their skin crawl they can feel it in the other room on their neck he is happy and relaxing not on my shift see they don't have an idol women have no idol and they have no idol it's on or off there's no covering guys can wait a little while to decide what we're going to do maybe not do it not really care if we don't do it a woman's motor is running man my wife she has stuff come out of her mouth the minute her eyes open if i get to the mall by eight o'clock i can return to sheets that i wanted to take back i haven't been able to take him back for two weeks and i wanted to do that i'm gonna drop the boy off at school early and then i'm gonna run over there i got time to do that my friend susie called me i haven't talked to her in like three months she said you want to go to the mosque i love you guys when we're going to the mall said i can go on tv it's 6 a.m just sitting there hovering like a hummingbird it's hard to be in love as a man right nobody tells us anything a woman always wants to talk to you about your emotion we don't have any emotions they're buried deep down beneath beer and cake so you girls got to be patient you're dealing with a our fathers don't even talk to us about love all right guys your dad talked to you about love no no you know what my dad said that's your pecker don't pull it out in public okay let's go let's go we're good nobody gets excited for us when we fall in love if there's three guys one of them falls in love the other two treat him like he's got a terminal disease sorry to hear it bro when did it happen you didn't drink out of my beer did you i don't want to there's four women one of them falls in love the other three go crazy what's he like what to do what color is he admit his mother keep be quiet together can you laugh together when you want to have a baby let's take time off when you want to go back to work they get out of viking horn to let the rest of the tribe know they've made another kill the tribe has spoken i tease my wife but i know there's days i'm not allowed to tease her you know those days that estrogen's running a little bit high their eyes are open wider than they should be she's swaying and she ain't got a baby that's a dangerous animal you're dealing with right there but my wife will get up some days and go nothing is funny today [Music] nothing you got a special blend of crazy going this morning i mess with a woman on pms that's like playing emotional jeopardy i just want to come in the house and go i think what the did i do for a thousand [Music] i haven't talked to my wife in seven years i mean i've taken some orders just haven't talked to her cause my little rugrat moved in stole my girl he owns her that's his woman he knows him if there's a fire and it's him or me i burn like a pork chop man i'm done there's no mistake he owns i'm like the third wheel on a date i'm just like i'll go with you guys i'll pay can i drive i'll drive can i just go i just want to go that's his girl and he knows it he's been throwing it in my face since he brought him home from the hospital man when he used to breastfeed he'd look right at me [Applause] and she'll try to defend it he's a baby he doesn't he knows exactly what he's doing that's all right because i'm writing it all down because one day that little prick's gonna want to borrow the car i'll be waiting on him in my chair hey dad could i borrow the car nope you sit here and i'll tell you about the time you stole your mom's tits for two years you want to think about that turned on to no titty light my wife was pregnant that was the scariest time of my life man i've never had fear run through me like that now single guys you think you know fear you don't know fear your big question for today is what am i going to eat what am i going to wear where's my phone that's it that's how you're you don't have fear until a woman looks in your eyes and goes i'm pregnant pregnant pregnant then you shut yourself just a little that's great oh honey that's great i gotta get a job my wife was pregnant we tried to do everything right we didn't do anything right we got kicked out of the first lamaze class you know the breathing class though kicked out of the first one all right i got us kicked out of the first but i'm a comedian you put me in a classroom how long do you think it was going to take i go in there and the first thing i'm teaching to women is called the cat cross to alleviate pressure across the abdomen so i got four pregnant women in front of me on their hands and knees with their backs arched and their asses up in the air so i said to the guy next to me this is how this whole thing got started [Music] and if you think pms makes a woman crazy pregnancy takes that into jedi level not their fault they can't control it man i've seen the werewolf i know those chemicals get rolling in that blood they get weird stuff happening in the brain they get weird food cravings they get crazy food cravings eight months in my wife wanted to eat ice she come in the room i like to eat a bucket of ice you want to eat a yeah bucket of ice it'd be great right now honey i don't think that's a good you get me a bucket of eyes right now she took the bucket and her tail followed her down the hallway sat there eating nice you know the baby was in the room what the is she doing send you down some seat [Music] now he's here and he's he's hers most of the time man if you ask him who would you rather spend the day with he'll go dada and he said who would you rather be trapped on an island with you mama no question that's where his bread's buttered but he'll hang with me a little bit now i like that you know he's coming around seven's a fun age man you know he's starting to lose his teeth he looks like a little homeless person i showed him how to jam a straw up in that missing tooth get that spitball accuracy going in seven's a fun age when people ask you stupid questions though before they get there too you know like uh they would ask me when she was pregnant what are you having you're a little boy you go what if he's gay what am i supposed to do y'all do over what do you want me to do that's my son either way that just means i'm going to ballet instead of football but i'll tell you what i'm not changing i'm going to root it to ballet like i'm at the football game it's all in the adjustments i think he's heterosexual though i'm pretty sure the other day i came home he was on the couch with his hand and his underwear watching hannah montana i said welcome to the club shawn welcome to the club it's a nice spot you got picked out on the couch here buddy i like that i love when he swears i do i mean i love it it makes me pee on myself i like my wife it makes her skin crawl i can't get enough of it i make him do it i do i make him leave messages on my brother's cell phone find the bride's will my dad says you can go for yourself i love you bye [Applause] sometimes wrong is worth the funny bad part is sometimes my wife will catch us doing that and then she will snap what is wrong with you you're insane what's he gonna do with that where's he gonna take that is he gonna grow up and get a job swearing if i was a mechanic we'd be building an engine right now what do you want me trying to help my favorite time he ever swore was at the aquarium in chicago this one was awesome we go down to the aquarium and he wants to take a picture the dolphins jumping right so i go get the disposable camera we got onto the tank right 25 moms 25 kids 25 moms 25 kids me and the boys standing there like bart and homer right so he's looking through his camera finally the dolphins jump and they go back in the water and i hear click on me they say you live long enough you watch your parents become children again it's starting to happen to me man my dad's 67 my son is seven i took them to disney world they are the same it's person i gotta pee how much further is it like watching my dad at this age man you know why because he's figured out that if he opens his eyes he wins again i'm not saying not to be morbid i'm saying he's figured it out it's fun every day every day he looks for something to make him laugh that's pretty impressive at that age see i think that's the game i don't think the game is can you stay young like everybody thinks they make you want it to be that way like they want the television the paper stay young stay young stay young the game is can you get old and if you're lucky enough to get old do whatever you want do whatever you want and let me tell you why let me tell you why once you're old you have a right to do whatever you want yeah that's the game you've earned your stripes man i watch my dad and i think to myself i write myself a note every day because of the way he acts and i write that note and it says this when you're 70 do whatever you want and i write that note so remember it's one of these days when i'm old and i'm bumping into i'm gonna find one of those notes it's gonna be game on they will find me naked taking a bubble bath in the fountain at the mall every thursday at 3 o'clock [Music] what are they going to do to you you're old all you got to do is act confused what are you doing in there i don't know where i live i like marshmallows they're not gonna take you to jail they're gonna give you some marshmallows and drive you home i'm gonna tell the new guy about you who was that oh that's bill he's a great old guy he washes his ass here every thursday pittsburgh i love you thank you for being here [Music] you

Channel: Agenda Gaming

Views: 715,541

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Id: lzK6Vv7QrNw

Length: 41min 31sec (2491 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 06 2021