WHY DO WE ATTRACT TOXIC PEOPLE? RC BLAKES

oh good afternoon good afternoon good afternoon man I have been running but I wanted to take a minute to address something that is on my heart and I dealt with it last week in a certain setting and here's the issue it's a question really why do we attract toxic people have you ever stopped to ask yourself that question why is it that I seem to be a magnet for toxic people I know I've asked myself that you know that question you know why am i tracking all of these people that just tend to kind of move in and out of my life take what they want move on making no deposits at all bringing no value extracting the value that I provide excuse me why is that you know and I know that I'm not by myself I know that there are probably billions of people in the world who struggle with this issue of just seeming to be a magnet for toxic people and if there's no discussion around it if there's no conversation if there's no transparency if no one steps up to say you know I'm there as well or I've been there as well you can you can actually be made to feel as though something's broken in you or something's wrong with you the reality is this the reality is this nothing has to be wrong in you to attract toxic people in fact about it in a lot of instances you attract toxic people because something is right in you but the Word of God says in first John 4 and 1 the Bible it says but above the love believe not every spirit but try the spirits whether they are of God because many false prophets are gone out into the world now when I read the Bible I listen for and I read for the the life-principle I think this is why the Bible does not communicate well through the messengers of today and it's because we're not really showing people that the Bible is a document that is a blueprint for living well and we're only you know we're only kind of extracting the biblical the historical truths of the Bible but we're not showing people how it actually applies to the way I live my life but notice it says believe not every spirit but try the spirits whether they of God because many false prophets are gone out into the world so there here's the principle don't be so gullible don't be so trusting of everyone a dear heart said to me apologetically I might add I think two weeks ago she was skeptical about something relative to ministry and so she was articulating her concerns to me and as she articulated her concerns and our apprehensions about certain things she began to apologize she said oh I'm sorry for being so skeptical and I stopped her immediately and said no no no no no no no you're supposed to be skeptical you're not supposed to approach anything with you know just a credulous I believe anything you say kind of an attitude this is where most people fall into problems the Bible says believe not every spirit so all of us should have a healthy sense of skepticism about anyone we meet and do not know because many false prophets are going out into the world then he says but try the spirits whether they are of God meaning what we should all do our due diligence in relationships and we should test people before we draw conclusions now how many of you all along with me can raise your hand if we're in the class you didn't raise your hand and say Amen this I have allowed too many people in my life without testing them and I discovered that they were of the devil from the devil possibly the devil himself after they had run through my life and and like a bull in a china shop hmm because we believed anything and we did not have a personal system to test people by before we drew conclusions concerning them can I get a Amen on that if you're not in the church can I get a yes a yay now there are few things that I extracted it from this this question why am i attracting toxic people and I addressed this issue at the church I pastor in Houston new home Family Worship Center in Bible study on Wednesday night if you're free on Wednesday nights come and join us and the question is why am i attracting toxic people number one answer we attract toxic people notice I said we we attract toxic people because we are empaths and an empath is one watch this that feels the other person's hurts feelings needs even predicts their needs and the empath accommodates the other person's needs and feelings above his or her own and for good people and especially for those of us who have some kind of God consciousness empathy comes naturally and the reason you are attracting toxic people is because you are an empath in fact about it I would go as far as to say in a lot of instances you're not necessarily attracting the toxic person as much as the toxic person is identifying you because you have to understand that toxic people especially those like narcissists are searching for they can kind of the empath out and they're searching for the people that will buy into their sob story you know buy into their whatever it is they're presenting the Bible says in Philippians 2 and 4 look not every man on his own things but every man also on the things of others so the scripture encourages us to be you know mindful of other people's needs and other people's concerns you might even be able to describe and I think you probably can definitely describe Jesus as an empath because Jesus came what feeling other people's feelings meeting other people's needs putting other people ahead of himself but he was not an ignorant empath and I used the term ignorant because I can't find a more palatable term he was not an impact or an unconscious empath that's that's a better word he was not an unconscious empath in other words he wasn't a credulous individual that didn't know what was going on Jesus put himself in an empathetic position intentionally and as I as I stated to the those that were congregated in in this particular Bible study I've grown and evolved in my life as a man to the point where I allow people to use me people don't just use me and I'm unaware I allow people to use me to the extent I desire to allow them to use me and when I'm when I'm when I'm tired or when I'm finished I let them know that I know you were using me and I allowed you to use me because I'm blessed to be a blessing but it was never that I was you know in the dark and now I'm broken emotionally because oh my god you're not reciprocating I allow my family members you know in general I allow my church members in general people to use me and sometimes they come around and sometimes they learn from the experience sometimes they grow experience in most cases they don't they just get what they can take and they leave you know Jesus was that kind of an empath he was an empath that allowed people to use him because he knew that he knew what his purpose was and what his mission was but most of us who are empaths are not even aware that the people we're investing ourselves into are not even on the same page while we're engaged in what we think is a relationship most of these people are simply engaged in an exchange and that is you know I'm gonna shoot you my line of bull and you you in exchange you give me what I need I'll make you believe that I love you I'll make you believe that I'm gonna be here for you and you just give me your money you just give me your time you just give me your body and you meet all of my needs and then when I'm done with you or when you have nothing else left to give I'll discard of you and that's something I'm going to deal with either Sunday night or Monday talking about the narcissism No the narcissist discards and why but we we we attract toxic people because we are empaths and in in first Corinthians 13 4 through 7 it says love suffers long and is kind loving busines love vaunteth not itself it is not puffed up it doesn't behave itself unseemly love seeks not her own it is not easily provoked thinks no evil Rajasa that in iniquity but rejoices Rajasa then the truth beareth all things watch this latter part love the love that we have agape love the the God kind of love bears all things believes all things hopes all things and endures all things so there's there's a nature within us as as sons and daughters of God to overlook a lot of things hoping and wishing for the best in a situation only to discover that good was never there now there's a there's a there's there is a wisdom and a balance that must be struck when you when you are naturally a good person and you naturally have an empathetic heart or spirit there is a listen to me very carefully there is a balance that must be struck between your heart and your head there's a balance that must be struck between your heart and your head and it's found in I think it's described in Genesis 10 and 16 listen to what Jesus says behold I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves while is that not like an accurate description I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves and then he goes on to say be therefore wise as serpents and then he says be harmless as doves why is this serpents harmless as doves the text is admonishing you and I watch this to have the gentle humble loving nature of Christ and at the same time have the shrewdness of a snake be as gentle and loving and sincere and kind and empathetic as Christ and on the flip side of that be as shrewd as a snake know what's happening even when your heart is responding empathetically in other words if you're going to do if you're going to allow a person to use you know that this person is a user so that when this person proves to be a user your heart is not broken because your heart in your head were in the right place at the same time your heart was saying okay help him help her but you here was saying now I know what you're dealing with you know it's kind of like taking a snake into your bosom that's freezing and you want a little snake up in your bosom and you think because you're doing a kind deed for the snake that the snake is gonna take to you like a puppy the snake is not a puppy the snake is a snake when once the snake warms up with a snake recovers the snake bites you and then you say then you say to the snake little snake I did so good for you why did you bite me why did you I can't believe you you bid me now I'm dying and the snake says to you you know I was a snake when you pick me up if you're gonna pick a snake up know that you're picking a snake up I wouldn't advise you to pick snake up number two sometimes you attract toxic people because you have watch this you have a need to be needed one thing I'm learning from the therapist that I encounter and I've not personally had a therapist yet I'm going to I'm going to get a therapist I think there's some things in my from my childhood that yet need to be worked out I think I've done the the bulk of the groundwork and that is you know accepting it and being able to regurgitate it and share it I think that's brought a lot of healing but I think there's still some things I can glean but from the therapist that I encounter one of the things I've learned is that all of us have a need for something but most of us are not aware of what we need this is why we're horrible many times in relationships it's because we have certain needs that we've not really thought through thoroughly ourselves and we're expecting people to meet phantom needs that we've not defined and in a lot of cases the reason a person attracts toxic people is because you have a need to be needed you have a need to be needed there are a lot of you you have you've had one toxic relationship after another in fact about it it's almost like you go around just searching for projects because you have a need to be needed you search for people that you can fix you know we build a bit air you can put the eyes the nose the little button the little jacket the little shoes a little hat you you just build a relationship you have a need to be needed so you go around searching for projects and what happens is you you indirectly subconsciously you are attracted to people who will in most cases just simply use you now this is a god complex of sorts this need to be needed you are attracted to people who need you for them to sustain and some of you that on here right now if you were to testify you would raise your hand say yeah yeah yeah that's that's me that's me III have a need to be needed and you don't do well with people who don't need you some of you ladies struggle in a relationship with a man that is not overly needy you know he may not to cook for himself and he may know how to bring his own clothes to the cleaners and he may know how to clean his own house and so you struggle in that relationship because you have a need to be needed and so you're not comfortable with a person who was an independent and so because you've never thought you know thought this through this is your first time coming face-to-face with the reality that I have a strong need to be needed and I don't know how to embrace or engage people who don't really need a lot for me codependency involves a need to be needed matched with a person who has a need for what you can provide codependency involves they need to be needed matched with a person who has a need for what you can provide and then the two of you feed off of each other I see money coming through it what's going on I've never seen this before is this something new I don't know what that's about watch this in let me let me read this statement first God does not want us relying on others or being relied on by others to an extent that one should only rely on God in other words God doesn't want me relying on you for something that I should only rely on him for and God doesn't want me to allow you to rely on me for something you should only rely on God for now the Bible says in you know can let me give you an example of what I'm talking about there are many of you who take a well able-bodied grown person and you become their source they don't have to trust God they don't have to use their their own gifts they don't have to get off of their bottom to do anything because they're relying on you to meet all of their needs they're not really relying on God they're not trusting God they're not using what God gave them because you're in the way you're enabling them you're enabling their Arrested Development and the Bible says and this happens a lot this happens a lot with parents of grown children especially grown sons where you know you want to take care of this grown man because that's your baby not understanding that this is what you passing off to somebody as a husband because you have a such a strong need to be needed you don't know how to let your children go when they don't need you anymore the sign that you've done a good job with your children is that they don't need you anymore I told my church members y'all gonna make me feel good when you say to me are you are you gonna be at church Sunday are you gonna be preaching because I don't want here nobody else well if if if if you need me to that extent it means that I've not done a very good job preparing the next tier of leadership I don't know if this is making sense to you the Bible says in the second Saloni ins three ten and eleven four even when we were with you this we commanded you that if any would not work neither should he eat for we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly working not at all but are busybodies so God does not want us to allow anyone to need us to the extent or allowing us to the extent that they should be relying on him number three why are we attracting why are we attracting toxic people number three is a big one we are attracting toxic people because we lack boundaries boundaries is a series unto itself we attract toxic people because we lack personal boundaries and see toxic people specialized toxic people specialize in imposing themselves on your personal space and when you do not have boundaries around your life you will always have toxic people walking in and out of your life they force themselves into places where they can manipulate you thank you all this is this is a powerful observation that I've made in studying Jesus Christ in the Gospels Jesus was surrounded by people 24/7 like a rockstar you know like you see when Michael Jackson was living you would see the crowds just pushing on Michael Jackson and the security having to rush him through that's kind of what it looked like during Jesus time crowds just surrounded him they were all over him people were everywhere but watch this the interesting wisdom that we extract from Jesus's life is that Jesus chose his 12 disciples in fact they didn't come to him he went to them and chose them personally how many of you that are watching me right now have inner circles that you didn't choose people that just kind of wandered into your life and brought all of their drama into your inner circle because you don't have boundaries I don't as as personable as an individual as I'd like to think I am as public of an individual as I am as many people as I'm around I choose my inner circle I don't allow people to just walk up into my inner circle you don't just walk up to my house and ring the bell you know you don't just knock on my door I'm not answering it if I didn't invite you I'm not answering because every person every healthy person has to define and enforce your personal boundaries the reason you have all of these hurtful and toxic poisonous people in your life that are doing all of this damage from the inside is because you've not established boundaries people can walk into the inner chambers of your life unrestricted because you don't have boundaries am i helping anybody okay let me show you how this looks you give too much of yourself to people you do not know too much of yourself to people you do not know and have no connection with toxic people okay here's one of the ways they they they break your boundaries or you you where you should have boundaries when a person comes upon you and they don't know when to stop talking you just walk up on me and you're just gonna talk for 3540 minutes we're standing on our feet you don't know if I have other things to do you don't have the you don't have the respect to say or do you have something else to do may I talk with you can I make Ana make arrangements to talk with you at another time or is this a good time you've asked none of that and you just step up into my life in a lot of it and a lot of times interrupting a conversation that was already been going on and you just go off and off and off and off and off about whatever it is you want to talk about assuming I'm in a mindset to lesson that I want to hear it it means that you don't respect boundaries so in that case you know I have to be able to watch this always with kindness and with love I have to be able to enforce my boundaries and say listen I'm you know I really I'm really empathetic towards you but right now I have to do X Y Z you know let's try to arrange the talk later boundaries boundaries toxic people generally hook you through conversation you know through conversation that indirectly paints a sob story for you to you know to feel sorry for them and then feel like you are now obligated to help them or they give you this you know this spill where they paint themselves to be so fabulous that you you know they won't excite you and bring you to a place where you want to invest in them it's always to get something out of you and when you don't have boundaries you allow a lot of toxic people to get into your life and they get into places and spaces where they can do much damage the Bible says in James 1:19 brother that every man be swift to hear slow to speak and slow to get angry proverbs 29 and 11 says a fool utter a--the all of his mind but a wise man keeps it until afterwards you have to enforce boundaries toxic people remember this are always trying to enter your life through conversation they're always trying to enter your life through conversation and when a person doesn't respect boundaries when a person doesn't respect boundaries it is your job to enforce your own boundaries with kindness and with love not now you don't have to be arrogant you don't have to be nasty you certainly don't have to be rude but you have to be definite you know you have to be definite you know I appreciate you I really do but you're not got other people I need to talk to it's amazing to me how I go places and people can see all of these people waiting to talk to me and it hurts my heart sometimes because I see people standing in line literally for hours just to talk to me I mean that's humbling but it hurts me that people have to wait to talk to me then you get a person that comes up you can see they have no respect for boundaries at all no respect for the people that are behind them and they just want to go on unlike Wade bass slow down slow down my email is my email Liz hit me up on my email put it in bold so I can recognize it you know boundaries you've got to enforce boundaries and in number four fourth reason we know sending me money what is going on I have never seen nothing like this is this something new I don't know about okay let me get back that distracted me but thank you I love y'all I guess okay number four dysfunction fourth reason we attract toxic people is because dysfunction has become our norm dysfunction has become your norm watch this in John 4 16 through 19 it says jesus saith unto her talking to the woman at the well he says go call your husband and come back the woman answered and said I have no husband jesus said unto her thou has well said I have no husband for thou has had five husbands and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband you've had five different men and you've not been married to any of them the one you got nine is not your husband and that says thou truly the woman saith unto him sir I perceive that thou art a prophet now here's that here's the thing I want you to see here this woman has had five different men married to none of them why dysfunction had become her norm and sometimes you are attracting toxic people because your norm is dysfunctional what you view as normal is actually dysfunctional what you believe subconsciously now what you think on you in your conscious mind you say oh uh I don't know why I'm always getting this kind of man but subconsciously your norm is that kind of man so we have to we have to shift what's going on internally before we can change what's happening externally this woman had become so accustomed to the dysfunction you know that she did it five times your mind can develop strong holes that keep you in a position of attracting poisonous people and what is a stronghold the Bible talks about strong rules a stronghold is a mental thought system that blocks the truth of God's Word out and it locks it locks within the lie the deception that the enemy that the devil that the world wants you to believe so that it so that you may be manipulated by it but then Romans 12 and 2 says and be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind don't be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind see your mind is renewed by the Word of God your mind is renewed by positive and inspirational connections don't be conformed to the world don't be restricted by the world but be you know released and freed by the renewing of your mind negative and hurtful experiences create what psychologists call trauma bonds you want to move on but your mind is stuck on the familiar you want to move on but your mind is stuff that that so ties you you know you know you don't want this you know this person is no good but your mind is stuck on this individual and and your norm your subconscious norm is broken your subconscious norm is sick and so even when you consciously want to move on you don't know how to move on because your inner man your subconscious is pulling you back to what is your norm see this is why when and I have just a couple more points then I let you all go this is why when when the Spirit of God really arrested me as a young man and really made clear to me what my life would entail see this preaching and all of this was not something I wanted I actually did not want this at all I grew up in this house in the home of my father who was a phenomenal Paston preacher I never wanted this I never wanted to be I never wanted to be in a position where I would have to be an example for anybody I never wanted to have to be a leader of anybody I just wanted to live my life so the Spirit of God arrested me and when he arrested me he made me see where he wanted to bring me but he also showed me that my present state of man was dysfunctional and more than dysfunctional it was displeasing to God you know I see I was I was I was a womanizer modern terminology I was a player that's that's who I was and so the Spirit of God just literally arrested me and did something inside of me that when I came out of that two three day experience I came out of brand-new man I was young but I was transformed and the reason I had to be transformed was because perversion had become my norm from a from a little kid from a little kid I was exposed in a situation or with older women that opened me up to sexual consciousness way too early and so you know I'm walking around a schoolyard with with kids and I'm thinking on a grown man's level because of what I've been exposed to nobody knew this and and and you know all the men in my life indirectly were communicating that you know you the man if you have a sexual encounter with a woman and I was young and I had had these experiences with these older women that's why I had a child at 15 years old I wasn't like a kid making a mistake I was like a grown man in my sexual consciousness that had become my norm and when God got ready to bring me to the next level a lot of the stuff that hindered that process was the soul ties that I had created with all of these different women while I thought you know I was playing them and I thought that I was you know turning them out there turn me out and when I was ready to live my life in a different way I couldn't move on because my internal norm was perverted and the only way I got free was that the Spirit of God actually purged my soul broke those soul times and broke those shackles off of my mind and then I was able to go free but until that happened my norm always called for more toxic relationships number five you share too much of your dreams and visions with the wrong people why am i attracting toxic people you share too much of your dreams and visions with the wrong people everybody's not going to celebrate your future and to be quite honest with you sometimes to share your dreams and visions with the wrong people simply stirs up the demonic in them and people that normally would not even pay attention to you are now attracted to you for a few reasons number one they're probably there to disrupt your progress number two they're probably there to take advantage of of your your your gains or your wins you know number three they're probably there to discredit you and these people otherwise would have ignored you had you kept certain things to yourself or limited your conversation to your true in a circle of people who are supposed to be partners in your future when you look in Genesis 37 5 3 the Bible says in Joseph dreamed a dream and he told it to his brothers and they hated him yet the more and he said unto them hear I pray you this dream which I have dreamed for it goes on and on and on talks about what's gonna happen and then it ends up and says and they hated him yet the more for his dreams and for his words Joseph's attracted he attracted certain stuff to him it was already in them but when he when he spoke it it's like he stirred it up it's like he fertilized it of course all things work together for good because they got so angry they wanted to kill him they sold him in because they sold him he ultimately made it to his destiny anyway but it shows you that there are some things that certain people are not supposed to be privy to and some of you are attracting toxic people because you talk too much even as a pastor when people have you know great testimonies of great financial gain and they come to me and tell me X Y is the I say to them oh if you want to share your testimony with the congregation fine but I wouldn't put a dollar amount on that because certain people just don't need to hear certain things and then number six you don't want to accept the reason you're attracting toxic people and I'm done you do not want to accept the obvious in people you already know in fact you knew before you got involved in the relationship that this individual was not sent from God is not a person that should be not even remotely involved in your life you had a witness in your in your heart you had an understanding in your mind but you had a tingling in your flesh and it was your flesh that desired a relationship or a situation ship with this individual so you proceeded and at the end of the day this individual proved to be toxic like the Spirit of God had already shown you he or she would be and when you have taken a massive loss because of your connection with this individual now you say something told me no it wasn't something it was the Spirit of God and if it was not the Spirit of God it was your own intelligence that said probably both that said this is not a situation you should be in but your lust poured your way and carried you into a situation that poison your life because you you did not want to accept the obvious you did not want to accept the obvious now I'm done I hope you got something out of this now I'm just so excited about the connections that I'm making I thank God for all of you and let me say this since I'm doing this live February 22nd and 23rd February 22nd and 23rd we're bringing Lisa and I are bringing Queen ology to Atlanta Georgia this is not going to be a conference in fact about it we're calling this Queen ology Atlanta the intimate experience because we're only going to have 100 seats this is not going to be a conference this is going to be an intimate experience we're going to is going to be set up conference style what is the conference I'm looking for workshop style with tables we're gonna do some writing and we'll have a stool and I'm gonna have a stand and we're gonna sit there for hours and we're gonna work this thing out relative to clean ology and awakening your consciousness it's going to be the first of many encounters that we're going to have 100 seats only now registration for this event is going to go up probably Monday at the latest Tuesday leases in Atlanta right now working some things out literally in Atlanta right now working some things out and registration will go up at the latest Tuesday if you've not joined my mailing list to go to RAC Blake's comm and join my mailing list if you want to be alerted when registration opens I'm going to open it and 100 seats only because I want to keep it intimate I want to be in a way in a place where when we're done I can really spend time talking with you and just embracing you even if that means the demand in certain cities calls for me to go there more than once a year at this stage of the game I want it to be intimate we're also contemplating I can only do so many with everything I have on my plate we're also contemplating London at the end of next year if and that'll be the same thing 100 seats only I'm not trying to create this big big big thing no no I want to really make a difference and I want to really make connections and so Lisa and I are coming to Atlanta February the 22nd and the 23rd and hey it's gonna be amazing also I'm really excited thank you all for participating in my selection process of the artwork for my online program they are in the process of you know they've edited the program they're in the process of uploading it I'll let you know you know when that's going to drop as well transcending the father wound it'll be five sessions and in each session you have three components you have me teaching you have insight from a licensed professional counselor and then you'll have the conversation with Lisa and I are relative to how she dealt with her father wound from a child and that now as a woman how she's working that out each each session will have those three components and that'll be available very very soon just go to my website and sign up for my mailing list to get all of this information oh my god has so much going on but I'm excited about it I'm really excited about it my whole aim now is to make a difference in people's lives and I believe that's where ministry is now ministry doesn't make a difference it's really not ministry and so my aim is to make a difference with the years I have left to make his think of an impact and as much of a difference as I possibly can and I thank you all for helping me to do that now I don't know what this is with you all and all of this money that's coming through here I don't know where it's going but if it's for me thank you thank you for if it's for me I'll figure it out when I get off of here hey if this is your kind of thing subscribe like you know make comments do all of that and share this on your platforms and that other people know we're here let me pray for you before we go father I thank you for every person here I ask you to bless them now in Jesus's name let everything you God work out in their favor in Jesus's name Amen I love you god bless you now I'll talk to you soon

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 70,633

Rating: 4.9429545 out of 5

Keywords: Relationship Advice Dating Advice

Id: TBFCj19KYQU

Length: 42min 55sec (2575 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 20 2018