Why All Superheroes Are Actually Villains - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

hello Internet my name is Dan I actually preferred Daniel but I don't want to be one of those guys who insists Oh Brian and this is obsessive pop-culture disorder the only show that financially rewards whatever so far still undiagnosed social disease I have that force me to get consumed and then ruined by the pop culture artifacts that I love the most still no official name for that disease yet but fingers crossed for Drass burgers park anyway this episode's about oh come on really at I love superheroes they're the only movies were allowed to make now if we attack them and cut them dip Shh okay okay we're all having a good time here everything's fine let's get into it wonderful 10-person decided on a scary mask and grapple crime there's universal assumption that their methods no matter how debatable are sending criminals to jail right ends do stuff to the mains and junk like that for example this scene from The Dark Knight boom bite outta crime taken then what happens don't let me find you out here yeah we're trying to help you I don't need help all right II just in bounces after smashing through public property blowing up some cars beating up dogs and slamming around like a maniac wacky Bruce just leaves the gang of drug dealers and vigilantes alone in a garage presumably for the police to find and let go I'm not a lawman but I'm pretty sure that being beaten and tied up in a parking structure that is or was drugged adjacent isn't in and of itself a crime if I was a cop and I came across a beaten and gagged scared person I wouldn't think drug dealer I think victim of different crime we should help what's the difference between you and me seriously besides the hockey pants what is the difference between him and those gun-toting vigilantes the only contrast I see is that bats causes way more property damage before making every scrap of evidence inadmissible in court because the crime scenes been contaminated by a stranger in a go-go gadget [ __ ] suit and everything I've just said here applies to literally every other costumed crime fighter chewie I'd like to think it is my what did the appeals court call Superman as a witness and he wasn't already this one scene means everybody Superman has ever caught never went to jail he's just an immortal alien playing cop and royal humoring him because we know he can and have like a bushel of celery and I don't wanna get too technical with my next point but I organize my life in such a way that allows me to have a show where I don't have to answer to anyone because I don't like being told what to do and at any rate by the time you see this video we'll have already filmed it me and you couldn't stop me even if you wanted to but you don't because you love me it's true me saying that means it's canon you love me so I will get tactical because I lied before I do want to get technical dear Spider Man the average response time to a 911 call in New York City is just under seven and a half minutes spider-sense lightning quick reflexes the ability to avoid all non bart traffic but spider-man's response time to hunch and progress crime closer let's say two to three minutes which sounds like would save a lot of time except spider-man leaves as criminals and webs throughout the city montage of that so Daniel can breathe that webbing made of a high tensile steel is strong stronger than something you or I as a non spider men and women can rip apart the web is designed to dissolve after about two hours which means that's how much time NYPD cops need to wait around for every case involving spider-man's webbing spider-man stopped Doctor Octopus and the police couldn't that's true but it's also true that half the police force was tied up waiting around two hours for every single criminal trapped in and occasional bullet train riding bystanders saved by Spidey's webbing occupying that much police time on every case couldn't possibly make the streets safer spider-man is awful this sucks I said I didn't want to do this all right it's time for the Marvel movie maniac lightning round brought to you by Irish Spring soap Irish Spring soap put in alia not Enya did we not I don't see you did we not get the Irish prick no sponsors at all what do they say something about my face voice and the the way I say things okay what across the board objectionable on/off okay good note deep note good note alright okay Irish spring is the so first pitch will edit this out okay so let's take a moment to go through every Marvel villain since the cinematic universe started Obadiah Stane Tony Stark's jealous business partner wearing a robot suit based on Tony's design abomination and ogre created with the Hulk's blood Ivan whiplash Vanko a Russian maniac angry at Tony's father and funded by Tony's rival Loki Thor's jealous alien brother who tries to kill him on earth after Thor was expelled here for being a smug dick Red Skull a Red Skull gentleman made with the same super serum for Captain America Loki again face to Gillian a tech genius Tony Stark stood up on hotel roof Malekith an elf man awaiting my Thor's lady friend being with portals bucky buxter the winner buddy captain america's friend who got brainwashed by Hydra who was secretly shield Ronan a blue man who was after Peter quill for stealing some magic orb ultra an evil robot slash Pinocchio fan that Tony Stark created himself Darren cross former protege to Hank Pym who was obsessed with getting Hank's approval and recreating his shrinking suit and finally that little guy in Civil War whose family was killed when the Avengers fought the evil robot the Tony Stark created I need water my point here is that nearly every villain in the Avengers universe exists either because the hero did something to piss them off first or through the same magical technology that allowed the good guy to exist in the first place meaning that the world would be objectively better if humanity simply didn't try to create people weapons in the first place when you really dig into it even the forming of the Avengers is like some crazy MC escher logic starting with the ending of Iron Man I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger initiative he said having no knowledge that Captain America would be unfrozen or that aliens exist or that Hydra was back we're having any reason to want a super-powered 18 what was next original plan here have the Hulk smash Isis you like the Krieger of shield toiling away with his kooky crime-fighting team that just happens to be needed and by just happens I mean Nick Fury created the need for them when he let Loki back into our world with the tesseract thanks Nick you're only slightly better than Superman who managed to explode the city of Gotham because he sent out a beacon and attracted Zod to earth and we get sucked I'm back on board this is fun again let's say you're a billionaire living in some swampy concrete jungle filled with crime and poverty how do you fix the situation do you use your money to create better schools and community centers perhaps build some kind of cheap public transportation in the form of a dangerously elevated monorail system can you build this train people less fortunate than NASA leaving during very hard times so we build a no cheap public transportation system or option B you spend all your money on an elaborate underground lair where you tear up rooftops with your Ferrari tank as you try to personally punch every criminal until your presence attracts higher scale crime interns every day city life into a roulette of tragedy well-dressed nothing like a bat by the way nothing like a bat am I crazy why are we talking about this he chose that one by the way Hey Bruce remember when your company was funding things like orphanages before it ran out of money because you were spending all your time fighting a clown maybe there's a lesson to be had from all this I mean you could power the entire city with your arc reactor alone so perhaps I'll wait no sorry that's the other billionaire who uses all of his money to personally fight crime instead of helping the world through some practical methods stark tower is about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy IT start how's that fully sustainable city powering reactor going you know the one you've been talking about for like ten films but I guess you've got better things to invent like hovercraft aircraft carriers and bizarrely specific Iron Man watch gloves oh hey what you got there I'm going to the extremely advanced holographic computer an AI care to share that with the rest of the world are out there mind guess we still have regular old bulk computers and cars that don't hover or run on sustainable power it's cool bro it's not like you can invent an army of robots to fix all the buildings you blew up after swearing to not blow things up anymore I came to realize that I have more to offer this world than just making things to blow up the only reason that superhero universes seemed like fun places to live is because we're seeing them through the eyes of the superpower take your Avengers Justice League x-men or that whatever team blade is on and imagine them from the civilian perspective suddenly they are less like a squad of saviors and more like Horsemen of a really strange apocalypse where a big green giant might suddenly burst through your livelihood for reasons unknown you think insurance is going to cover a projectile science monster careening through your windshield or do you have to buy the separate superhero coverage instead what's that like sorry we can't cover the Punisher throwing a grenade in your car because you selected the superhero plan and that guy's more of an ambiguous type antihero type so you might wanna consider building some kind of mechanized suit and getting revenge instead or maybe rob a bank since all the police suck now yeah just shoot at that populated skyscraper shooted right in its skyscraper face no other crime shot way up when Peter Parker quit I'm sure all the best cops left when Spiderman ruined their jobs in that previous point I mentioned at least he got rebooted into the Avengers universe where all the police have to worry about is rubble searches and the slurry of financial suicides that must come with every major corporation becoming a jack-in-the-box from mechanized world domination the new Stark Industries business plan yeah remember that scene kind of makes you wonder what the Mad Money episode was like after Stark Industries partially blew up because the highest in command had a robot grapple or when Justin Hammer built defense robots that tried to kill everyone and exploded the expo center or when advanced idea mechanics had the mechanically advanced idea of killing the president must be a real comfort living in an exploding world when the Vice President is hauled off for treason in the same week you find out that the most-wanted terrorist was really the Mickey Mouse from what you thought was the next Google congratulations superheroes you've chosen all the biggest financial hubs in America to use as your doomsday mosh pit great job making every major city an elaborate Running Man game show where you're either dodging rubble or getting caught in man-sized spider webs congratulations Daniel you made yourself sad again you ruin another thing you like join us next month when our topic will be a montage of coffee shop girls throughout history Daniel thought we're flirting with him but we're actually just being nice spoilers it was all of them even Cleo no I'll be fine hi hey everyone thank you for watching obsessive pop-culture disorder we do it every month make sure you like and subscribe for more of this and more of the other kinds of things that we do this episode was not brought to you by Irish Spring I have no permission to mention them in it I've no permission mention Cleo it was a real person but you won't be able to track her down because she spells her name weird kli Oh

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,472,690

Rating: 4.8643909 out of 5

Keywords: The Avengers, Iron Man, Tony Stark, Batman, Bruce Wayne, Billionaires, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, Superheroes, Supervillains, Villains, Comic Book Movies, Superhero movies, Marvel, DC, The Dark Knight, Man of Steel, Zack Snyder, Christopher Nolan, Cracked, Cracked.com, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, humor, satire, hilarious, spider-man, Amazing Spider-man

Id: N5y4CeHZZWA

Length: 10min 24sec (624 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 25 2016