Why Everyone In Aladdin Is Awful - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

hello Internet my name is Daniel the Manuel O'Brien the lion and welcome to obsessive pop-culture stores the only show camouflage can't hide from today we're ruining the only Disney Prince to get his own movie you probably remember Aladdin as a sweet movie about a scrappy thief who gets into harmless shenanigans with his barely tolerable incoherent monkey and the most likeable character is slave genie what you probably don't remember is that there are only two redeemable characters in the entire movie and neither of them have names the whole point of Lana's narrative is that he unlike everyone else in Agrabah is a diamond in the rough worthy of access to a cave so magical it's called the Cave of Wonders and is also a tiger Aladdin we are told is better than the local merchants trying to provide for themselves and their families and the guards who do their best to keep the streets of Agrabah safe Aladdin according to this movie is the best person in town false while we're told the Latin is a diamond in the rough we never actually see him do anything to earn that in fact one might call him a dirt ball into the dirtier dirt first things first in Aladdin's character-defining introductory song he tells us he's really good at stealing I see the Michael Jordan of stealing scratch that he's the different sports metaphor of stealing which athlete is known force - oh gee Simpson he's the OJ Simpson of stealing but he's the Michael Jordan of property destruction one loaf of bread cost fishmonger a barrel of fish an entire harvest of watermelons and one guy's skin itself just the whole front area from here to here most tellingly Aladdin brags he's one jump ahead of the breadline which means he's one jump ahead of the poor people in line for free charity food that's like bragging you're one step ahead of the single mom in line at the food bank now I know what you're thinking Aladdin explains himself right there in the song gotta eat to live gotta steal to eat otherwise we get along I don't think so career criminals don't typically get along with me Daniel O'Brien especially career criminals who have hired assassins on their tail 1 Jim's headed a hitman Ladon isn't just some thief riffraff street rat he's the guy with hitman after him which tells me someone who reads way too much into these sorts of things that this diamond in the rough has a body count but Daniel remember that after all that stealing and maiming Aladdin hands over the bread to starving homeless children you might be arguing in your head you're out lad because you think we're having a two-way conversation because you've forgotten how things work yes Aladin n abou hand their bread to two hungry waves what a noble altruistic humbling extraordinary diamond-in-the-rough gesture that any human would do in the same circumstances giving bread to poor people is literally how dictators get to power this is a lands big moment to show us that he's worthy of entrance into a place so special that no one else in the whole world can get in except taboo I guess and he demonstrates this goodness by doing something millions of people do every day feeds hungry kids by that logic your mom is a diamond in the rough which she is by the way one more thing about 11:00 watch this I'm really very sorry what you see it roll again I'm really very sorry what he saw the crown everything that happens next should be predicated on the fact that Aladdin knows jasmine is a princess also small point but don't forget that when Jasmine screws up in the marketplace and nearly gets her hand chopped off Aladdin saves her by pretending she's his mentally ill sister she is my sister she's a little crazy that's the first thing that popped into his head to save a pretty girl don't hurt her she's so mentally disabled hahaha speaking of weird decisions you're a liberal Abdul Lily never makes a boost particular monkey type explicit but the Internet's best guess is a capuchin monkeys that typically live in groups of ten to thirty typically in a forest none of which is true of Abu who lives in the street with a loser I said it that's no place for a little monkey like just naturally that's no place for a monkey to live where were his habitat be in Agrabah I submit that Aladdin went somewhere else chip nap that little monkey since we know he has no problem stealing and then immediately trained it to follow a life of crime and like follow that life hard GLaDOS steals to eat live but Abu has a problem you stole a monkey from his family and you made him a crime monkey Aladdin that is you're bad for doing it it is the stance of this show that you are bad Aladdin's love interest Princess Jasmine isn't the Holy Trinity of Renaissance Disney Princesses who reminded us that girls can be cool even when they aren't asleep you ever see Disney princes in bed asleep or is that just a princess thing weird Arielle Belle and Jasmine have moxie their defiant they like to read one of them keeps your belly covered the whole movie now that there's anything wrong with showing your belly ladies your body your choice girl power I shouldn't have said anything on a surface level Jasmine hits every mark we need to know she's an interesting brave fully developed character she defies her father she has a pet tiger she feels oppressed by her luxurious lifestyle and tries her hand at slummin which wants to felt ironic to the dozens of slaves presumably living in that house and serving her every day now I know we don't ever see slaves sir unpaid workers tidying Jasmine's Palace but this is a palace it's not Grey Gardens they have to have servants maintaining the property jasmine isn't just oblivious to her surroundings she's criminally oblivious like to the point where we should wonder if the sultan had bothered to educate her at all over the last 15 years when Jasmine tries to escape the palace she cleverly disguises herself by not bothering to disguise herself she puts on a hoodie but keeps her jewelry including her tiara firmly intact we find out Jasmine has a good heart which he attempts to feed a kid by offering him an apple from a carton in all her years in the palace no one bothered teaching her economics 101 which is troubling because she's in line to run an entire country nor was she aware that the act of theft was punishable by amputation again disturbing considering she's about to take over the place you'd think someone would have sat her down had a heart-to-heart about a group was criminal justice system during Jasmine's one night out on the town she learned that starving people can be horrific Lee mamed if they steal food in a normal world getting that information would be life-altering especially if you're one of the two people in the country with enough power to do something about it not for Jasmine she continues on her date with a land because dates are fun and allowed it's cute finally Jasmine's big thing is that she doesn't want to be objectified she wants respect she wants to be taken seriously she wants to be her own woman then she uses sex to distract her biggest enemy Aladdin turned Jasmine into a mentally disabled person to save her skin Jasmine turned herself into a prostitute to save his those two belong together those two belong together Jasmine father the Sultan has zero business ruling a country much less managing his daughter's love life when Aladdin shows up at the palace in disguised unannounced uninvited from a country that no one has ever heard of the Sultan unlike just about any other dad on the planet opens his home in the hopes that this stranger will hook up with his daughter a reasonable parent would have stopped Aliya the door asked him to point to his country on a map that sent him and his freakshow circus back home hi I'm Prince Ali I'm from Rome and my father's name is don't worry about it one princess please not only should Prince Ali set off a million warning signals and the Sultan's head for his daughter but a reasonable political leader would be a little bit concerned about a flamboyantly generous head of state marching into his country with little mounts to a magical army this isn't a date request this is an and the fact that the Sultan's subjects are loving it does not reflect well on the Sultan not saying Aladdin is doing that thing that Hitler did when he annexed Austria I'm just saying that he could have been doing that thing and an unsticking would have recognized a coup attempt just because he faced the galloping hordes I had your bad guys with sorry sorry how was that anyway that doesn't mean you should trust him finally at the end of the movie after Jafar has done his thing and is out of the picture and everyone knows Aladdin is a fraud and Aladdin does his first unselfish act of the movie by using his third wish to free the genie soul says oh yeah this stupid law about how princess can't marry a non prince the thing that started this mess you know we can change that you know why cuz I'm a sultan and I shall turn or am i something after all that happened that's the law of this conceited self-absorbed intelligence challenged group of narcissists are most concerned about the law that says Jasmine has to marry royalty another law that lets guards chop off the hands of Apple thieves this one - one about romance also the Sultan feeds Yaga crackers that came from inside his pants no pockets weird weird thing to do imagine you're a clever monkey who until a few days ago didn't know that magic was real now imagine having every cell in your body change into a camel cell your skin stretches your organs transform your weight multiplies all without your consent or warning and then your horse then you're a duck or a turtle an ostrich a car and an elephant all in the span of about 20 seconds that's what the genie does to a boob say what you want about you far but he had enough respect for his animal sidekick to keep him in a parrot form through the whole movie and also he gave him compliments every now and then it's important I love the way a flower little mind was sebou becomes the genies voiceless helpless prop in a prince ali charade a prop who was entirely unnecessary the genie could have easily magicked up an elephant out of nowhere in the Aladdin TV show we find that the genie kind of has a thing for violating a booze body rights via magic when they need a hound dog the genie turns a boo into a dog even though he could turn himself into a dog on any transportation the genie turns himself into a cart and a boat went to a horse even though the genie probably could have managed both during every transformation of whose face goes from fear to confusion to anger with a mix of sadness and disorientation thrown into the mix Genie and Aladdin have adventures a boo who has body horrors inflicted on him daily Oh kids yeah oh you know those kids that keep popping up in and out of the story to get bread and apples from jasmine and Aladdin what uh all right you'll think the movie goes out of its way to keep reminding us how poor those children are and how ill-equipped they are at surviving in this world but there's no real payoff as far as like don't worry jasmine adopted them so they're fine now in fact their previous source of bread is off the street living in the palace now so dead those kids dead those kids are dead all right next oh well that's it that's all our time join us next week when our topic will be Frazier just this thing just has Frazier okay it's gonna be Frazier okay cool all right hey everyone thank you for watching obsessive pop-culture disorder we do a new one every month make sure you like and subscribe for more and in the comments why don't you tell me that according to the TV show a boo was with a traveling circus of Thieves and Aladdin saved him and that's how they became friends and he didn't kidnap him why don't you tell me that in the comments you can't I already did it for you the episode was better without that information it's a writer's privilege to do things like that

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,484,948

Rating: 4.7064724 out of 5

Keywords: Disney, Disney Animations, Disney Cartoons, Disney Princesses, Aladdin, Jasmine, Jafar, Sultun, Abu, Genie, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, Daniel O'brien, criminal, cracked, cracked.com, sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, humor, satire, parody

Id: hql_vPWmDKg

Length: 9min 59sec (599 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 27 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/dangshnizzle]

Solid:D