4 Things Superhero Movies Don’t Have the Balls to Do

superhero movies are such good business nowadays at every film studio in Hollywood is rushing to put one out that they too can ride the billion dollar franchise train of congratulatory sex and cocaine straight to the gates of valhalla still despite being the biggest money makers in the history of cinema Hollywood is still terrified that certain specific details about a handful of comic book characters are just too ridiculous to include in a big-budget mainstream film what details I'm glad you asked 20th Century Fox is weirdly afraid to put Doctor Doom in a movie for all your dreams not in the know dr. doom is an evil genius with a metal suit crafted by Tibetan mystics who rules over the island country of Latveria the reason he wears a metal suit is because he was experimenting with powerful forces in an attempt to open a portal to hell and find his mother but he get all up and blew his face straight off his skull producing the once handsome Victor Von Doom to a hideous dog food man forced to forever conceal his monstrous form beneath the suit of magical armor he can do magic to date dr. doom has appeared in three big-budget movies and not a single piece of any of that incredible backstory I just described has been featured in any of them in the 2005 movie Doom is the head of some big corporation that funds the Fantastic Four's expedition in his face and the 2015 version he's a dirty programmer who lives in a windowless garage playing video games chinese-food wearing Google glasses and refusing to take a shower he's not even a doctor he's just a garbage person who accidentally gets superpowers both of those films were also infamously gun-shy about doctor dooms name they tried to change his name to Victor van Damme in the 2005 version but they changed it back to Victor Von Doom after all the fantastic core fans nobody who existed got mad they did the same thing for the 2015 version and the same thing happened fans got angry that the movie was going to call him Victor dama chef instead of just Victor Von Doom so they changed it back again why are we nervous about calling a villain Victor Von Doom Von Doom is a real name plus this is a comic book movie since when do they care about the characters having absurd names nobody batted an eye at Oswald Cobblepot or Otto Octavius fine with Magneto this man can't have a German surname because it's too on-the-nose that's what makes his name so great dr. doom isn't even an alias or a supervillain alter-ego this name is a doctor and his name is doom also we don't want to give him a suit of armor and all three fantastic four movies doctor dooms armor is just his skin fused and altered by cosmic energy his background and mysticism and the stuff with the Tibetan monks has never mentioned why don't we want to give him a magic suit is that where we draw the line Ironman has a million suits of armor the work flies around by twirling a magic hammer above his head then throwing it and hanging on to the handle to propel himself to the air with the momentum that is the most Looney Toons thing ever and nobody cares audiences didn't stand up in the middle of Avengers and say wait a minutes and storm out of the theater just give us an angry European dictator in a suit of armor gives a [ __ ] we gave an Academy Award to a movie about a man wearing a pair of pointy bat ears and breathing exclusively through his mouth for 140 minutes dr. Victor Von Doom the science blacksmith is far from our ceiling of ridiculousness for some reason Hollywood refuses to let spider-man get out of school he was in high school for the first Sam Raimi filmed them college in the second one and then they rebooted the series and put him back in high school now they're rebooting the series again to the delight of children the world over and once again he'll be back in high school we've had six spider-man movies in 15 years and he's been in high school for half of them there are millions of pages of spider-man stories to draw inspiration from either in the form of the direct adaptation or something that borrows a few bits and pieces to make a whole new story if for whatever reason Sony is obsessed with the first 28 issues of spider-man's history he graduated from college in the 70s in an issue that was labeled the most demanded story of them all because readers were tired of seeing him mope around in school of a goddamn time spider-man hasn't been in school since Jimmy Carter was president that would be like it every single episode of Game of Thrones all took place before Ned Stark left Winterfell let it be an adult for Lee's sake spider-man was in high school for exactly three years of his 50 year comic history let him do something else he spent the 80s dancing in nightclubs as Eddie Murphy I really want to see that spider-man movie we've been getting Superman movies on and off for the past four years and if one thing has remained constant between all of them it's that they're all entirely too long the other thing we all have in common is that Superman is always punching one of two dudes Lex Luthor or General Zod sometimes both and there was also that one time he fought an evil version of himself created by Richard Pryor but the point is Hollywood is super nervous about digging any deeper into Superman's rogue except their word we won't know it's a Superman movie unless he's fighting one of the two villains from the Richard Donner movies Brainiac almost made it into a Superman film two different times he was originally to be in Superman lives the Kevin Smith draft that was to feature both Nicolas Cage and a giant spider but that didn't happen because it seemed with the universe's content only to spare us from the tragedies we really want to see doomsday was also gonna be in that movie and Lex Luthor and a giant dis have blocked out the Sun and holy [ __ ] you guys Brainiac and bizarro were supposed to show up in a sequel to Superman Returns but that just sort of floated along for several years until everyone involved abandoned it then Zack Snyder's Man of Steel came along and we got the same three bad guys from Superman too we're brothers are so scared of showing us a different villain than Lex Luthor Zod the upcoming Superman movie that they panic and said I just have a bite Batman and Lex Luthor and you know what Zod back in there too we don't anyone to be confused still making a superman movie here Batman is one of those characters who doesn't need an origin story anymore he barely needed one back when Tim Burton's film came out 1989 the movie starts and he's already Batman leering at criminals from atop one of the many castles that inexplicably dot Gotham City's skyline Jill Gotham City is supposed to be in New Jersey there's not a single 100-story Cathedral anywhere in America and they would have us believe that this torture museum exists within driving distance in Atlantic City anyway the 1989 movie didn't get around to showing us the tragic deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne until 2/3 of the way through and even then the only reason it did was to include a flashback of a young Joker to galvanized Batman into hunting him down and murdering him that their returns came and went with nary a mention of the Caped Crusader's dead parents but then Batman Forever came out and in addition to showing us way more of Jim Carrey's bulging crotch fist than any of us ever needed to see it decided to go through the death of Bruce Wayne's parents all over again because I I guess they were worried we forgot were they concerned that people were going to see Batman zoom on screen and be just helplessly confused as I just briefly mentioned either it's a huge plot point easily as much it was the first film that really feels like some producer sent a memo halfway through the production saying people aren't gonna understand why this bet characters running around in Halloween boots we got to tell him about the parents Batman Begins showed us Bruce Wayne's entire goddamn life so of course we had to watch his parents get blown away in Crime Alley once again and the upcoming Batman dawn of justice they've cast Jeffrey Dean Morgan to play Thomas Wayne so unless they hired him to pose for a photograph and frame on Ben Affleck's desk that probably means we're going to be treated to yet another flashback of the annihilation of Batman's birth-givers we know what Batman's motivation is we don't really need to keep revisiting what drove him to fight crime in an animal hat Bruce Wayne has a carousel of tragedy that has resulted from his decision to be Batman like the death of Jason Todd and the paralyzing of Barbara Gordon there's a whole other dimension the guilt complex of this character the movies refused to address for whatever reason he didn't even get an origin story in the comics until several issues after his first appearance turns out Batman does need that much context we don't need a refresher every time a new actor gets hired to play him just doing the voice-over during the opening credits like quantum leap hoping each time that his next week hey thanks for watching this video about stupid things they won't let superheroes do in movies if you liked it give me a like hit the like button go down to the comments and let me know what other superheroes that keep seeming to jack up for no reason and movies like why didn't they look Bulls I have a costume in the Ben Affleck movie here they're compromised just to put Irish Colin Farrell into Jack and then cut a bull's-eye on his head apparently that's less dumb than getting an outfit also if you want to talk more about Doctor Doom I've got so much say about Doctor Doom they really made me cut this video down it was like super long but you can like check out the full uncut version of this on my blog I've got a whole lot of thoughts um like how his cloak is going to be influenced by the upcoming election and maybe the the primaries and just just check it out it's I really have a lot on to say on that topic

Channel: Cracked

Views: 2,328,490

Rating: 4.7458506 out of 5

Keywords: Superhero Movie (Film Genre), Superhero (TV Genre), batman, spiderman, spider-man, superman, dr. doom, peter parker, bruce wayne, The Dark Knight (Award-Winning Work), Stan Lee (Comic Book Creator), Comic Book (Comic Book Genre), Marvel, DC, Man of Steel, Sketch, comedy, funny, DC Comics (Comic Book Publisher), spoof

Id: TFbHgosGf7M

Length: 8min 7sec (487 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 25 2015