4 Reasons Pinocchio Is Secretly Terrifying - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

hello Harnack my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another mysterious episode obsessive pop culture disorder the only show on the internet that my dad calls I know the world is changing but I still wish people your age didn't curse so much today's episode explores the Pinocchio is a classic morality tale teaching children that if you work hard avoid fun and never lie you will lose your inability to feel pain and transform into a fragile meat sack with a finite amount of time on this planet feels like you'd be better off staying as a terrifying immortal wood creature if you ask me you're one downside is the no lying thing but you wouldn't even need to lie if everyone fears you popsicle peed but okay whatever suppose you haven't seen the movie in a while Geppetto is the lonely woodworker who which is on a star that he can have a child of his own and then a blue fairy shows up to turn of what a doll of his into a still wooden doll but one with consciousness and the ability to move freely for whatever reason he's not real yet not until he and not Geppetto passes some tests seems weird that wishes come with conditions and we're still that it falls on Pinocchio to earn his realness when he never asked to exist in the first place Geppetto is the one with the wish but within seconds of being born Pinocchio is told that he is not a real boy thought up imagine being born and feeling like you're alive and fine and the same as everything else and then a beautiful being shows up to be like not so fast you're different in a bad way you need to be better if you want to be real why wouldn't you just make him real fairy damn in Catholicism when babies are born with original sin we don't ask the babies to fix it you sprinkle some water on them also his instructions are hard for anyone to follow let alone a child who was minutes old he was told if he wants to be a real boy all he needs to do is prove yourself brave truthful and unselfish and someday you will be a real boy brave truthful and unselfish he's like 40 seconds old lady I'm barely any of those things now brave I lean up the courage to tell a waiter he got my order wrong I just eat it and I'm legally a real adult man but luckily Pinocchio is not alone in this help him along his journey he's got Jiminy Cricket and Geppetto knows your situation is incredibly unique he goes from not existing to suddenly being like years old with a fully develop vocabulary but none of the other skills is typical child acquire over those eight years he knows his name and how to sing and rotate his freaky body 360 degrees but it doesn't the difference between right and wrong or how to avoid danger I wrong well how do I know or that hats with feathers are for pimps like Robin Hood Fox and you sir are no Robin Hood Fox my point is there's no precedent for Pinocchio's existence and I don't know who in the world would be my top choice for guardian for this very specific situation I don't know who is most equipped to handle a sudden blank slate child but it's not Geppetto Geppetto does nothing in the way of acclimating Pinocchio to society as soon as Pinocchio is born or happens or whatever all Geppetto does is like that's a fish and that's a cat this is dancing you're my son and then they go to sleep because Geppetto insists sorry I've got to go to school why no Gil gets sent to school the first time he sees the Sun go to sleep now you've got school in the morning why is Right Pinocchio first of all Geppetto what I want a child I'm sold only what I want as a child and before they've even spent 24 hours together he's like well you better get going now go be alone five days a week every week for many hours for like 18 years I prayed on a shooting star that I'd be granted a real boy because I wanted to really experience the pleasure of immediately sending him away second of all what was your plan sped up gets Pinocchio an apple a single book and says a go to school little Oh Pinocchio can read or if you understands what apples are or if he knows what direction school is or what directions are or what school is or how time works or literally anything Geppetto couldn't have spent a few days catching Pinocchio up on how the world works we're even getting to know his new son instead he sends p oq' out alone and then when Pinocchio obviously gets sidetracked and doesn't return home this happens what could have happened go ahead well he was six hours old and you sent him out into the world completely alone so anything could have happened to him I mean in point of fact talking Fox named Honest John that stands and walks like a man kidnapped him and sold him to a gypsy named Stromboli offensive who runs the publisher because Honest John could immediately see the value of marionette that operates without strings but I answer your question in a general sense literally anything could have happened anything a bunch of us could have run a gambling pool on things that could happen to China stupid Pinocchio today on his first day of life and someone could have put money on talking Fox kidnaps him and the rest of us would be like hey maybe cuz there's talking foxes here also I have more reason to suspect that Geppetto might not totally be the best Guardian fork anyone let's not forget that when Pinocchio goes missing Geppetto goes out looking for him and he went looking for you and he was swallowed by a whale whale he didn't slip on the slick streets or get hit by a carriage or struck by lightning or something almost normal got swallowed by a whale something that's so hard to accidentally do when you're looking for a wooden puppet who only knows the land at what hour did you pay don't think no key has been gone for so long you know what I bet he's at sea let me just grab my cat and my fish and my boat and go - ever is deep enough for whales to be and just shout Pinocchio and see what happens you are not equipped for anything who is going to watch Geppetto when this movie is over I never thought it would end this way Figaro starving to death in the belly of away really because a bunch of us did it was in our gambling pool about you all so let's look at this scene it was just finished playing with Pinocchio and a ton of clocks start going off and after a full 30 seconds of that Geppetto says I'm like Oh like I'm a kid you wonder what it's whatever time you set all 900 alarms for yelled maniac hey speaking of Geppetto being a maniac I'm like you I was an audience member who saw Geppetto build the kid then launched the magic being granted sentience and then I watched the kid learn a lesson that helped make him a real boy but no one in their town saw that so what happens next Geppetto will just show up to church one day with an eight-year-old child no one's ever seen before and claim it as his son Pinocchio and his friends I'm being generous would be like holy everyone stop Church right now hey Geppetto where did you get that kid tell me right this second and what do you say to that what non-creepy explanation can a kooky old single man give to ease everyone's concerns the truth I made him out of wood and now he's real just ask his cricket nope even if Adelphia backs him up and it's like it's true us I can't tell a lie horrible things happen to me if I lie and I'm some other guy in this town this is the scariest creepiest story I've ever encountered you have to imagine there's some weird sex stuff going on right between them the kid would seem clearly brainwashed plus I'm certain there's already whispers around town about the weird old cat owner who makes all those bizarre clocks yeah did you forget about that clock the red handprints and the the child but and there's no other action on that clock it's always a slap o'clock there but the town's folk didn't forget in short there's no way this ends well for Pinocchio as soon as the guy who's famous for making terrifying clocks claims he suddenly has a miracle son I'm nice try we know where you got that kid from but you not keeping him he lives with the state now get your horny fish get your forever kitten cat tell your bug that your time here is over grab a ball you're and beat Geppetto file you do not live here anymore after Pinocchio escapes from Stromboli and learns not to lie anymore he's on his way home when he is again picked up by Honest John and sold to a stagecoach driver who takes him to Pleasure Island with a bunch of other misfit kids this is more of an aside than an actual entry on a list of why Pinocchio as a movie doesn't make any sense but how is Pleasure Island profitable here's as best I can understand it the stagecoach driver pays Honest John handsomely to recruit to link with children to come to Pleasure Island which is an amusement park plus a bar plus a cigar shop plus a safe place to cause some general destruction without consequences and it's all free to the children and then magically the children get turned into which I guess the stagecoach driver flips for cash but like what can you really get for a donkey is it more than running an entire amusement park that you must have to constantly repair he must be making some money but then he's gotta be pouring it all right back into stealing kids buying fresh kegs and cigars rebuilding all the structural damage done by the previous patch kids so the next batch kids don't think they're walking into a hole I mean I'm not a financial guy or whatever but I feel like if I got a look at his books I can really sit oh really already okay we know the drill foot two minutes and eight ten seven second on the clock here we go jiminy is a conscious when he realized that nokia was going to the theater with Honest John instead of school he says how come won't tell his father but then he thinks better of it turns direct to camera and says that it'd be stitching never too early to warn children about what baguettes snitchin I suppose next two of lessons Pinocchio was supposed to learn were about being brave and unselfish here's Pinocchio talking to Jimmy about his new best friend language here's Lambo getting scared for his life a few minutes later I have a double-cross help he'll call it beat him call anybody and here's Pinocchio's brave and unselfish response to lamp books desperate cries for help late which my best friend but okay oh please call my mom what's that lamp wick did you say go forever on it go the place we're honest John in this cat gets faced after selling Pinocchio is a Red Lobster that's weird Red Lobster get a piece of that was Red Lobster around too soon get a piece of that sweet nope no money or different okie oh come before Red Lobster in which case doesn't get in a piece of that doesn't get a piece of that sweet Red Lobster money proceeds for ochio ties his tail around a rock and throws himself into an ocean it is one of the things he does to prove he is either brave truthful or unselfish it's loud it as a good thing interesting choice to include in the children's movie forward whales I really do that just sitting on top of the water whales don't do that Luke's Honest John the Fox who twice else Pinocchio into captivity never gets his comeuppance the stagecoach driver who steals hundreds of children and turns them into donkeys least also just gets to keep living in this world and doing that forever I didn't need to watch them die or anything but that's crazy right isn't that crazy there's no time for crazy move on you guys remember when they're at the bottom of the sea and there's that one super horny fish who wants it all night from jiminy I didn't until I rewatched it no more privacy than a goldfish then I'm excited that fish is to see Jimmy's dick that's crazy right what are you packing Jimmy that fish thinks it's right on weather is it pretty good that's pretty good let's ah actually I'm not man that's probably enough time to spend on Jiminy Cricket stick join us next week when our topic will be ten insane Rugrats Panthers that in retrospect actually don't hold up all that much one of them assumes there's supposed to be a Glee rats in which case yeah I see that not holding up probably they never watch the show anyway bye grab a ball your and beat Japanophile you do not live here anymore

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,240,543

Rating: 4.901938 out of 5

Keywords: Pinocchio, Disney, Geppetto, Jiminy Cricket, animated, animations, cartoons, disney animation, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, lie, lying, cracked, cracked.com, funny, spoof, humor, sketch, Daniel O'brien, comedy, hilarious, original sin, catholicism

Id: Hg6b8bfWj0c

Length: 10min 55sec (655 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 14 2016