Who's "That Guy" At Your Office?

who is that guy all that girl from your office and what did they do to earn that title a guy at my work let's call him Raja claim you can get high-octane racing fuel by mixing 89 octane and 93 octane gas in your tank Raja told me on my first day here seven years ago that if I wanted to know any good Asian massage parlors nearby he'd recommend the good ones with the happy endings first day at work he used to watch webcam girls from the Philippines on his desktop at work stripping doing other unsavory things etc then he went over and married one and now she lives here she's half his agent probably less than half his size he took a Filipino coworker to see his buddies band at a local bar turns out it was a biker bar frequented by a lot of some kind of Aryan Nation style bikers the co-worker told me that there were signs up extolling the virtues of white supremacy and that everyone was glaring at him the entire time he was in the bar when he pointed it out Raja just laughed and said I come here all the time it's no big deal Raja snores through meetings Raja at one time had some kind of narcolepsy or something and would fall asleep in his cube co-workers frequently threw things at him to wake him up the weird thing is he's actually a pretty nice guy if you got arrested or something and called him at 3 a.m. to come bail you out he'd do it even if he'd only met you once for like 10 minutes he's very friendly and sociable he's just really strange 89 octane of 93 octane equals 182 octane now that would be a fast race car I used to work with Brian about 230 pounds of pure software geek he had a full beard like Grizzly Adams bars and showers were not on his list of important things to do once we flew him to the client site to help solve a pesky problem I reminded him to dress for the occasion I greeted him at the front lobby and was shocked to see him with a collared shirt that had never been ironed and his tie tied directly to his neck not under the collar just wrapped around his neck when I mentioned it to him he said if that's my only problem then we in good shape a direct quote I woke up on an old mattress next to my boyfriend's brother in an abandoned church wearing a bikini in Tuscaloosa and that was the first time I'd ever done xanax she also brought a pink briefcase full of corn cubs to work at a law firm because she had a red old toy party to host later in the evening she lived in a house that didn't have a kitchen she has two pet squirrels and her husband plays in an awful new metal band she also crushes pills up on her desk with her keys and snorts them when she thinks no one is looking she sounds like a good time we have a one-upper at work who is a gold mine I can only recall his most recent outlandish claims they were he has been in 19 weddings this year not attended but beenin he had an overweight friend on the top floor of the World Trade Center on 9/11 who made it down to safely and now runs 15 miles a day working in an open-concept office where we used an instant messenger to communicate one day working late it's only myself and that guy he disappeared for 20 minutes then came back but I didn't notice much he types to me hey do you like my haircut and I look over and he has just locked eyes with me after shaving his head with a razor in the bathroom that was either a baddest prank or he's so into you used to work with a guy who was an excellent engineer but frequently subject to fits of rage when things didn't go well with what he was working on picture the scene typical cubicle farm with engineers hard at work and the only sound you hear is the sound of tapping on keyboards suddenly the sound of hysterical angry cursing and someone slamming their keyboard on the desk repeatedly everyone leaps to their feet in a line like a coterie of prairie dogs scanning the room for the source of the noise almost at once everyone realizes that it's just him having another tantrum smiles at each other and quietly sits back down later our secretary walks over to his office with a new keyboard puts it on his desk without a word and then walks back a woman at my company has decided instead of paying on her student loans she will simply get more degrees she is 40 plus on her fourth master's degree and does nothing but complain about school work all day probably at least 200k in debt no comprendo one use all her degrees to land a well-paying out-of-country job to take her savings with her leave all her debt behind never to return three profit not a bad system that guy at my current company is John John is a conspiracy theorist he believes that the anti-theft rfid things that the doors of Walmart are designed to scan your credit cards and the metal strip in money in your wallet to see how much money you have to spend John talks about secret CIA trains that run in tunnels under the city John used to work for a cell phone company and tells us stories of how he installed scanners on light poles on nearly every major Road to scan for a unique identify that all vehicles emit for government tracking purposes John believes the building we work in has chemicals applied to HVAC system which is making us more compliant with government programs John will never use his ATM card to buy meals because he doesn't want the government to track what heeds John calls a $20 bill a yachty meal coupon I actually thought that one was funny ice cream is cool the whipped lard eating at Panda Express is eating an endangered species meal John once told me about his collection of different sized rubber gloves he has at home he has a pair that go up to his shoulders for cleaning the bathroom sadly John quit a few months ago on the day he quit he sat in his car in the parking garage for four hours before he worked up the guts to call his boss on the phone and quit but he instructed that his desk be boxed up and sent to his home no one has heard from John since just thought of some more John also believed that all major leaders of the world belong to the same family tree also our building has anti earthquake devices attached to it so the building shakes gently every so often John claimed that the shakes were the CIA shooting mind-control beams up from their underground train John believes our secretary at the front desk keeps a log off when John entered and left the building most days John would ride the train to work and every so often he would say better stay indoors they are spraying again spraying mind-control drugs that is I forgot to mention that he made custom tinfoil hats that he used to sell on the web unfortunately I don't have a link he also made gesture hats with detachable bells so you could wash them without the bells getting rusty from the water John has gone underground because a morning he called to quit he had inadvertently found a device hidden away under the carpeting of the trunk of his car my good friend Paul works in the warehouse at our company he's gotten into every sort of trouble imaginable he tipped a towering stack of construction materials over the back of our yards wall he slammed the forklift into one of our delivery trucks when he dozed off he's gone to the wrong construction site a hundred miles away from the intended delivery site but he's a genuinely good hearted guy and the company's had mercy on him he's still with us tons of funny stories always coming out of the warehouse from this guy the highlight pulls an Iron Maiden fan and he's always singing while he works well one day Paul decides to sing a parody version of course somewhere in time with the clever lyrics of court with shaft in hand so he's just belting these inappropriate lyrics out as he Moses over towards that will call counter who should walk in but one of the sales directors giving a to of the warehouse to a new female salesperson Paul rounds the corner continuing the chorus with cut with shot often hyah and bumps into the sales director he plays it off like nothing happened shakes his hand and the hand of the new employee who are both giving him odd looks to add to the hilarity when they finally depart we notice his flies beam down the entire time my dad does the whole change the lyrics thing among my favorites our walk with an erection walk like an Egyptian one head lice one headlight and nitty gritty gang bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang I worked at a mine in northern Manitoba one of the old miners was a guy named Jack bones not made-up jack was known for having the largest dong around every night when the miners come up from underground they shower before going home and large open shower rooms whenever there was a new rookie working there Jack would make a point of showering beside him he would lie there up his privates with soap and then proceeded to use a huge floor scrubbing brush to scrub his dong thereby giving himself a huge boner and stand as close as possible to the rookie on several occasions the guys just never returned Oh Canada when I Tempe Patent Office I got put into the same cubicle block as that lady some highlights she had these frightening wild eyes I always got the sense that she wasn't quite right mentally just because there was something so wrong with her eyes something I could never put my finger on also she exclusively wore polo shirts which is also creepy she had a special wrist brace that she wore every single day for carpal tunnel I guess if anyone else touched it even by accident she flipped out and threw a fit she hated sense of any kind no one was allowed to wear perfume or use an air freshener around her or else she would yell at the top of her voice in the same vein she refused to let anyone near her keep a plant or a quiet radio on their desks she would wait until everyone else had gone to lunch before going and she made sure to lock all her file cabinets and drawers she was extremely paranoid that we'd go through her things when she wasn't there this was a bad case of the pot calling the kettle black since she went through other people's drawers on a regular basis she'd also go through people's email if they didn't lock their computers before leaving and print out copies of incriminating messages if she kept a printed copy of every single email she received from co-workers so she'd have a written record if she needed to tattle on anyone yes that was the reason she gave for this she purposely trained me wrong so she could complain to the boss that I wasn't doing my work right I didn't find this out until my last week there when another intern watched me work and figured it out that lady also took the work did complete correctly and changed the name on it for mine to hers then complained that I was slacking off if anyone called her out on any of this she dissolved into tears and throw a tantrum people tried to get her fired a lot but she'd claim that it was discrimination since she was a woman and a lesbian and HR would drop the issue the other intern and I got really passive-aggressive around her we'd apply the strongest smelling lotion we had every time that lady walked by when we got back from lunch and found that lady hadn't returned yet we'd douse her cubicle in body spray I also created a fake set-off login information and pinned it to my cubicle wall it drove her crazy trying to figure out how to access my computer using a hidden password that didn't exist comma I also created a fake set of login information and pinned it to my cubicle wall Oh brilliant at my last job we had a couple I'll go with the one story that translates best to type so we'll call him Kurt if Kurt wasn't gay then he had everyone in the company fooled no one cared mind you it's just an important detail to this story he was regularly referred to as Abbi Kurt was the kind of guy that would pick a target in them very openly flirt with that guy for a while it didn't matter how straight married or uninterested you were Kurt was going to get his flirt on when my one friend grew a goatee Kurt went up to him and said something along the lines of oh oh I like this and stroked his face another time my other friend was in the kitchen heating up his lunch when Kurt walked in I was an air shot of the kitchen so I heard this all going on first Kurt asks him to get his lunch from the fridge for him naturally it's on the bottom shelf and my friend being the unconditionally nice person he is obliged I'm already laughing so hard for the blatant and stereotypical office gender harassment situation but then Kurt took it to a whole other level improving he's a pro now he has to explain why he's unable to bend over and get his own lunch it's because his testicles are swollen to the size of grapefruits the graphic description is accompanied with hand gestures down by his groin to give a really solid visual Kurt went on for no less than five minutes talking about how big and sensitive is balls ah it was glorious my poor friend is too nice to just say gross dude and walk away so he's trying to walk away with lunch in hand without being a dong by the time he got back to his cube I had tears in my eyes and my face was red from trying not to laugh out loud this has set the bar his greatest thing I've seen in a professional environment he was regularly referred to as a B okay well come on that's not very comic Curt was going to get his flirt on when my one friend grew a goatee Curt went up to him and said something along the lines of oh oh I like this and stroked his face oh dear okay then I worked with a guy who put up a very small picture on his cubical wall of a political figure that killed millions of people a co-worker finally noticed it and we all started talking about it many of us thinking it is similar to having a picture of Hitler since we were all Melo programmers we said Frick it and moved on but every few weeks or so he would replace it with a slightly bigger picture than the last at one point it was taking up most of the cubicle wall the guy was a very nice person so maybe he was just trolling us that sounds like an excellent troll or a bet I'll bet you 50 bucks I can hang a poster of evil guy in my cube and have no one call me on it I doubt anybody will see this as late as I am but I feel compelled to share don't discount that guide too quickly an old friend of mine used to share stories about a co-worker that would always say and do wildly inappropriate things much along the lines of the Arps examples and including picking food off said friend's plate in the break room uninvited of course full stop my friend was nice to the guy anyway despite the annoyances and considered him a friend anyway long story short my friend died suddenly one day after he'd quit his job with that guy a while back the guy was on his Facebook friends and ended up producing quite an outpouring of feelings and sympathy with the family and friends of the deceased he would note every time he drove by my friend's old house or anything and not obnoxiously but in a very genuine and caring he was very kind and supportive to all of us ants were grieving he obviously was a very caring and friendly individual just totally socially inept the moral of the story some of those guys are just totally weird but some are actually really nice people that just don't know how to interact well give them a chance and you might make an invaluable friend for life and death this guy was far more loyal than the Trites normal people my friend had worked with some of which made brief and non sentimental remarks on his death that guy seemed to be the only one that was really truly affected by it TL DR socially inept nerds of feelings - I can't believe in this more the social outcasts the weirdoes that we all love to point out are often the most caring perhaps they are socially inept maybe they miss the social cues that we take for granted but ultimately they are kind of human beings that care for others several jobs ago we had know a tall guy who no matter the context had a story this included the time when we were discussing with some Russian engineers what it meant to stand in a food line know-it-all guide tried to answer the question we are all like dude when the Frick were you in a Russian food line shut up and let him answer at favorite though had to be the discussion of where to go for lunch the discussion included a couple of h-1b guys who were quite literally straight over from India the idea of an Indian restaurant came up the food at that place is no good they said yes it is said know-it-all guy who I think had been the one that suggested the place not really no they said in that polite way and suggested other places know-it-all guide dismisses other places no really this place is the closest to the real authentic Indian food finally I had enough and said know-it-all guy listen these guys were just / a month ago they lived there all their lives when they say that something is just like mom used to make they mean it we're going to take their opinion on this one among other things he insisted that UPS trucks can't go in Reverse we told him back that was ridiculous but he insisted he wouldn't let it drop until we actually called UPS to ask their reaction was fantastic always bragged about how his girlfriend was a virgin before she met him but also bragged about how he was the best she'd ever had he eventually married this girl after which he once said and I quote she's my property and I own her insisted that the speed limit inside the facility that we worked was 10 miles per hour while standing next to a sign that said 15 miles per hour when this was pointed out to him he said that the sign was wrong once told us at the Spanish Channel a u.s. channel by the way was broadcast from Brazil a Portuguese speaking country his proof his Hispanic wife told him so she didn't even speak Spanish he got very angry when this was pointed out to him years ago I worked retail at the sharper image Paul was another sales guy who had really phenomenal genetics he was in his late thirties and looked to be in his 20s contrasted by another 24-year old co-worker who looked 40 anyway Paul lived with his wealthy parents and Despard czar nothing more than going out clubbing after work he was not particularly smart but very well-off one time Paul apparently lost his cellphone at a club he didn't bother reporting it or anything and later got a $4,000 bill we had a dehumidifier for sale on display on a slow day we convinced Paul to drink the water out of the dehumidifier our manager found out later and just sighed shaking his head and muttering Paul that guy was named Bill and here were a few things he did in his first week upon finding out a temp was a dancer says oh you must be part of Anthony Lee an african-american dance company and make she was black so to him there must be no other dance company she would be part of after hearing our receipt straight as in my post-grad classes that semester said your typical Asian in front of the vice chairman of the camp I asked a pregnant coworker whether they went through IVF because her husband or her were the one who had the problem in front of about five of us while she was sitting at her cubicle like I said that was his first week at my old job there was a girl named Shelly I had been there for about a year and a half when she was hired working as keyholder assistant manager optician of a very small two doctors two opticians one other employee private optometry practice the practice itself was owned by a husband and wife the husband worked at the store I was in while the wife had a store up in NY she was allegedly a friend of the other employee a kind of mousy Colombian girl who was sweet if a bit naive and adverse to working initially shelly was kind of a see which was fine apparently they'd hired her on as a manager or something despite the fact we didn't need one and she was trying to throw her weight around it was annoying but life goes on she starts getting really close to the owner of the store oftentimes going into the office and closing the door for meetings which seemed kind of shady because when you combine that sort of secrecy for the puppy eyes they were giving each other it's obvious what's going on from there they got really touchy we have cameras not sure why they do that and she started taking money out of the register while the owner gave her permission for a store pulling in maybe $800 a day taking $100 200 of that money was pretty crappy we stopped getting Commission around that time she was also just really lazy and rude to the customers so much so that we had a bunch of them who would refuse to see her giving discounts and good service to her friends is one thing but charging everyone else like crazy to make up for it no after about four months of this the owners wife comes in and asks me point-blank what's going on I tell her it isn't my place but well it is what it is apparently the owner's wife finally called some of her old employers and it turns out that Shelley runs this kind of scam all the time she gets hired get cozy with someone in charge and then cries assault for money gifts et Cie she got a bunch of clothes from another this way and a BMW too which kind of blew my mind the next day Shelly got fired because and I quote I'm not paying you to freak my husband I used to work at a women's clothing store one of my first shifts I was closing with a young supervisor she seemed okay until the manager left then she sat on the floor took out her phone and started texting people whatever we weren't busy after about 20 minutes of this she suddenly stops texting looks at me and asks me if I'm okay with adults stuff I didn't really know what she meant at first so I just kind of shrugged and tried to keep myself busy she asks me again only the second time she actually elaborates and asks me if I'm okay with talking about freaking once again first time I've ever met her being the new girl I didn't want to rock the boat so I tell her that yet adult talk doesn't bother me because it doesn't do I prefer to talk about it with close friends and less of a work environment yet but whatever wrong move as soon as I tell her I'm okay with adult talk she starts loudly talking about how she recently had flipped a friend of hers and now she has chlamydia this was a favorite topic of discussion for the next four weeks or so her chlamydia she made it total common knowledge she even told some of our customers which two of us found out one afternoon when an older woman approached us and asked us if we could help her instead because that girl over there won't stop talking about her STDs I worked with an appliance salesman named Henry Henry is a 60 year old Colombian dude from Miami that talks fast and with a stammer he's five foot nothing about 200 pounds and looks like George Costanza Henry clogged the toilet and it overflowed he then asked me to get a mop and clean it up I'm not the janitor and flick no constantly tells customers he's telling the truth about Santa plants and price and says that he is not working on Commission he just loves helping people get what they want he is on commission he adds warranties and overpriced cleaners to customers orders without telling them and 70 percent of the time the cast don't notice because they are spending 20 to 30 grand anyway he's in the top ten in the company in accessory sales he stammers a lot especially when he gets defensive he coaches a high school boys basketball team on the weekends and wears this Gordie championship ring on his finger like he's Phil Jackson oh and his kids don't even go to that school never have a black woman asked him for assistance and he said I'll be right with ya sister everyone does an impression of him he blames others for his mistakes he bought an eighteen-year-old Lexus it is cherry from his neighbor to replace his 20 year old SUV he drives that thing around like he's the crap parks really far from everyone else for fear of someone touching it and constantly informs people that he drives a luxury car oh you have a BMW I Drive a Lexus myself great handling he recently started riding the bus because he claims it's more relaxing for his thirty mile commute we all suspect that something broke on the Lexus he threw a pan on the floor we have promotional pans and knife sets and yelled BAM there's your freebie to a customer he calls people dude and bro always talks about his page 90 ex that he's doing it's been ten months and he looks the same refers to Asians as Orientals there is a man at the grocery store I work at we will call him Monty because that is his name I hate this man he embodies everything that is wrong with society and Phil's so many stereotypes it isn't even funny one he is from New Jersey therefore in his mind he must be a mobster he acts this way all the time to everyone Hevy Brooklyn accent even though he has never been to New York self-admitted unnecessarily argumentative and overly confrontational about anything - he acts like people asking him to do things like his job is an affront to him on par with violating his mother or kicking the Pope in the balls three this man is built like a three-stroke four full sack of crap with thinning hair zero charisma and yet he still hits on the female miners we have working here did I mention this man is about 70 years for he once threatened to bring a gun into work and shoot up the joint and you too moth Africa that last bit is a direct quote from him I said to my manager when I reported it and somehow he still works there TL DR I hate Monty easily die tur he was this German designer in our office he was absolutely bonkers he was in our office but not in my department it's kind of unusual for people to be in different department areas also note that this is a big corporation not like an independent studio so one day I'm working and I hear someone come into my cube it's tighter he starts dancing suggestively and rubbing his body all over we never really think about how it feels for our body to move we just sit here all day and he starts gyrating and undulating I say nothing and turn back around then I heard him go to the other cubes and do the same thing mind you this wasn't even his department one day he came in dressed in full lederhosen there was no reason for this it was not Halloween or Oktoberfest he came into my cube and started dancing a jig I ignored him again and he went around to the other cubes ecstasy heck of a drug my coworker who was recently fired once filed a lawsuit against Papa John's seeking three hundred and fifty dollars in damages he ordered his pizza to be cut into squares not wedges they didn't listen to him the first or second time ordering he got the manager on the phone the third time who said he was going to personally do it when it wasn't done he called and raised heck and the manager told him off so he sued he also got in an altercation outside our building that ended in him being struck by the other guy in his car and being driven up on the hood of the car while punching him in the face we were interviewing candidates for an open position and headed down to two people one was white and the other was black we were at a meeting discussing the two candidates and when our guy was asked how he felt about the two candidates mind you our director and CIO were there plus the whole team of IT staff his response was well it depends on if I have jungle fever the room went quite and one person just said I think I need to leave now there was this guy named Dave Dave had two lazy eyes and smoked a lot of crack he would constantly talk about his wife's genitalia usually referring to it as that fat ol monkey hangin down there when she bends over and insisted that you can't hurt that P she done had six kids then we found a crack pipe in the toilet and Dave looked like the saddest cross-eyed dog you'd ever seen we used to play a game called make Carl say ouch we're by the goal was pretty much explained in the title Dave decided that he would win once and for all by shoving car off of the loading dock with a pallet jack one night and this guy named powder chased him up a stack of boxes then Mike the redheaded middle-aged thug who took caffeine pills and pretended to tweak on them and listen to Mike all goddamn night then there was Mike the manager who wore a different DBZ shirt every freakin day and had no got-dang idea that it was even a TV show how he came across these shirts I will certainly never know it sounds like you have made some poor decisions in your life I used to work at Best Buy right out of high school selling appliances in a forgotten corner of the store where everyone goes to steal things fragile provides some nice visual coverage when opening DVD cases it's pretty well known fact that Best Buy only employs the finest of the finest when it comes to morons but this guy acted like he had no clue how to interact with people store meeting we have to role play a sales scenario in front of everyone he's playing the customer when I asked for his fictional name he responds with a term he picked up from our co-worker earlier that week mr. duck butter and explodes into a fit of giggles everyone else is silently horrified or confused I'm selling a piece of crap washer/dryer set to a landlord I worked at a Best Buy situated across the street from an area routinely subject to drug busts and intense police scrutiny as it is ridiculously ghetto I pitch the landlord the service plan he's not going for it as his future tenants are likely to drug-addled to use the machines anyway duck butter is standing by and decides to help me with my sale employing all one month his sales experience in the most awkward and condescending manner possible he proceeds to nag my customer the entire time I'm scheduling the pickup and processing the sale customer is visibly in rage and threatens to leave duck butter finally concedes with all right heavy sigh your funeral routinely disappeared throughout the day only to turn up in random departments alienating customers coincidentally did this everytime actual work was involved had various ailments that prevented him from doing any physical tasks whatsoever which ruled out any possibility of usefulness in appliance sales as soon as he started working our department got an influx of customer survey responses on how weird he was he frequently had customers request to see another salesperson in the middle of his sales the times I would go to check on his sale or takeover I would always be met with someone visibly uncomfortable or angry when I was 18 on 19 I worked in the stockroom at a retail store one of the only other full-time guys was around 34 and my father biggest pathological liar I've met in my entire life here are some games he was a Navy SEAL in boot camp they would throw their parachutes out of the plane and jump after them he played poker on a regular basis with Ron Perlman his aunt was Betty Page his uncle was Mary go and read at one point just after halo two had come out he swore he had a demo for Halo 3 and told me he was going to give it to me knowing he was full of crap I would ask everyday just to see him squirm he drew cage for Marvel Comics won $10,000 at a Madden tournament in Hawaii that's just a few he also stole my iPod then brought it in to work a month later after Christmas claiming his wife bought it for him even though the thing was obviously a used iPod I never registered it so I ended up cross-referencing my bank statement with a serial numbers activation date and got his butt fired a week later he contacts me on MySpace and tells me his current girlfriend might be contacting me to ask about the circumstances of his job loss and asks me if I could please please not tell her what actually happened a sad sad man that guy never seems to notice at all that he's that guy I'm always afraid that maybe I'm that girl and I just don't know it it's like being crazy if you think you are you probably aren't however if you don't have a clue you just might be oh man oh man work last year with the most intense guy ever he was ex-military going back to school for his third undergrad or something on one particular day while we were listening to NPR a story came on about someone getting shot during a home robbery apparently in South Dakota there is a law which states if someone breaks into your house you can shoot them dead and not go to jail I simply stated that I don't think I would be able to kill a person and he screams in my face covering me with spittle but I t's you're right it became kind of a mean for the other interns on one other instance he went on a rage about how done women are I am woman and they're only purposes are breeding and feeding etc I get pee slam on the brakes kick him out of the truck tell him he's in timeout and I'll be back when he's not going to be a dong best memory ever made even better since we were on an Indian Reservation and he was not very fond of natives well he is probably leery of reservations since he thinks they have the rights to kill him without consequence there's this one guy who seems nice but he's really quiet he basically sits on his computer all day and browses read it whenever he's given a project he does it quickly and goes right back to browsing he probably thinks that we don't realize or care and he hardly does any real work but believe me we all know I didn't realize we all worked at the same company a friend of mine an engineer works with that guy and often shares stories about him with me apparently this guy had a vacation to California coming up and decided he didn't want to pay for a hotel instead opting to spend the night on the beach after about 30 seconds of research he finds out that it's illegal but he figures that they can't tell him what to do if he's not on the shore he hacks together this little rig consisting of an air mattress and a small anchor and a kayak or his plan is to our ways drop anchor and spend the night off the coast to test his rig he drives out to a pretty large lake and him and his wife paddle out to the middle of it on an air mattress and try to go to sleep he comes into work the following Monday talking about how it worked perfectly except for the fact that once an hour or so he would wake up because these buttholes kept almost hitting him with their boats will call my coworker from a few years ago ed ed was a British man living in the u.s. he had pictures of the Bush family as well a picture of the Queen in his cubicle he was also a bodybuilder and ain't a strict ID of small meals numerous times a day he had a lot of his food pre-made and delivered to him and he'd bring it into work it was common to see Ed eating and none of us really cared since we knew it was part of his overall workout regimen he'd often microwave single potatoes snacks leftovers etc but then there was that day when I didn't know his fish had spoiled and he threw it into the microwave the office smelled horrible for the rest of the day there was also that one time he came over to my desk with a bleeding face he said he'd nicked himself while shaving and asked me to clean him up and bandaged him he brought alcohol prep pads anointment and a band-aid he also told me once that he wanted to have my babies which was confusing because he was gay I tolerated all of this because I was lonely and had a crush on him that I didn't understand and never admitted until now well that wasn't the ending I expected at all I'll tell my sisters that lady story on her behalf sister is a school psych and every week there is a stupid long five hours or something meeting of just the psychs in the district that lady isn't assam mystical energy-related religious bent probably nameless and she carries on her this crystal on the end of a ribbon on the end of a wand so someone will be talking in the meeting venting their frustrations or explaining a work-related headache and the woman will start twirling the wand ed crystal if the person at the a resume speaking while I la sua peur negative energy sort of service doesn't matter if the person wants it or thinks it's weird as heck she just sits there twirling the crystal at you and then after much a twirl she lightly touch it to the person and be done negative energy demolished new higher in the dev Department we shall call him Peter Peter makes people uncomfortable he is the kind of guy whose every action makes others uncomfortable his jokes are entirely inappropriate and leave you feeling uncomfortable we are not prudes by any stretch but this guy just says the wrong things this could be dealt with or ignored but what happened on the first of April of this year caused me to lose any possible shred of respect for the man 7:30 a in our earlybird IT guy shows up first in the office 7:45 a.m. Peter shows up 8:15 a.m. hour late architect shows up notices things are amiss list off pranks are as follows boss's chair is missing every desktop PCs Ethernet has been pulled $200 worth of coffee is missing purchased four day before pull chains inside all four toilets are missing inside door handle of men's bathroom has been removed infinite loop on this door locks use other door signs on our two entrances first off we have a pretty lacks policy on working from home you are permitted up to two days per week to work from home and our devs regularly Remote Desktop into their machines so pulling the ethernet from every desktop machine was a pretty crappy thing to do second we didn't discover the inside door handle was missing until after out lead architect entered said bathroom and closed the door locking himself in he got a bit claustrophobic and was seconds away from breaking the door down before we managed to get it open so the pranks really disrupt the office that day by 10 a.m. emails have gone out requesting the person responsible please return the pull chains door handle coffee and chair the day goes on no one admits to pulling the pranks we are a very tight-knit group that has worked together for years peter is the only new guy at this time one has ever pulled a prank like this before so we have motive and opportunity pointing to Peter being the culprit he is directly confronted and denies it it is at this point that I and many others in the office lost all respect for Peter and he has never really covered I expect him to be gone within a few months o HH and the missing parts did eventually show up one piece at a time in and around various people's desks and a desktop coffee maker was anonymously gifted to the lead architect with no note why can't the sucker just admit to it and let us all move on yesterday I hit myself in the face with a phone I know it was Peter I just don't know how let me tell you about that guy at my office I could not make this guy up he defied what I thought was possible in a person's behavior we'll call him Pat let's get this out of the way Pat wears sweaters with a monogram of his initials on the collar Pat is older probably in his late 50s or 60s but dyes his hair a wretched shade of blond this contrasts grossly with his reddish sunburnt skin he tans very poorly that is out in the Sun a lot due to the one hobby I know him to have running his music of choice in his office classical especially wusses that sound like they were the soundtrack of the Third Reich he rarely stays the entire length of meetings he will just peace out halfway through and never come back he has a pompous and overtly disciplined demeanor I cannot imagine Pat in a relaxed State he is always hiding behind a wall of professionalism he sits and walks perfectly straight never slouching when speaking he uses each word carefully and enunciates everything with intent he uses certain phrases over and over again like let's add this as an action item that'll be just fine and well to be perfectly frank the latter is ironic because Pat is never Frank he is the epitome of elusiveness everything he says is a mystery because he has no idea what he is talking about so he hides behind riddles of bores if you were to walk into his office with a question about ketchup you would leave not knowing what ketchup was anymore one time I was working on a deliverable to a customer a date a call respond regarding an upcoming solicitation I went around the company asking for assistance because it required more than the knowledge I had I was making decent progress but there were a couple questions that people kept referring me to ask Pat about since they fit his area of expertise I went into his office with the questions in hand it's his customers deliverable so I thought he would be concerned and interested to help I let him know I'm nearly done and just need his help on a couple questions he responds with one word number and he stares at me unexpectedly I have no idea how he thought I would respond I was a bit fàbregas stood and just said okay I guess I'll keep working on it then and walked out I've got a handful of stories similar to this no one likes the guy he is occasionally sharp but for the pot fumbles and hides behind pseudo intelligence he is extremely self-conscious and concerned about his image of the company good thing he is retiring soon took out a bad stereotype ah that guy my favourite guy there was a guy named Robbie 300 lb about five feet nine mid-twenties he frequently told us he was a wizard half demon one morning he came in all in a flutter and told us all this morning when I woke up one of my hands was fire and the other was ice magic powers or something then there was the day he swore he could read our thoughts the shop owner challenged him and Robbie said I could do it but it would blow your mind one day he challenged the store owner to a truck pushing contest the first guy to push his truck to the other side of the parking lot wins the owner was an NFL Draft until an accident eliminated him from the running never laughed that much one day we wanted to do a food trade with a burger shop we made pizzas Robbie wanted two meals an extra burger and two shakes when told that was too much he Hulk hug and his shirt and punched a hole in the wall as he walked out I didn't see him for years after that day but when I did see him again he'd been kicked out of his house for attacking his mother with a car Tanner Steve his name was Steven he was a guy he was a veteran I think I have my doubts looking back on it all we worked in a small office maybe five people it was my first day and Steve got to train me except he was high as a kite off meds and passed out every 20 minutes with me sitting there wondering what the heck was going on he ate all the food in the pantry enough for six people for two weeks was so high he actually just started browsing pee in plain sight and when he was fired he stalked our office female fun times with Steve previs job let's call him Marty every day was Marty's worst day and each day worse than the last he hated life we work together as copy editors for a magazine he was a short man with a glorious Vic had hair at the craziest voice kind of like Woody Allen and any quintessential forties mobster he had a Barry Gibbs haircut and as he'd stomped through the office with his pants hiked up to his neck he'd shake his glorious feathered mane he had every job imaginable and was also a lawyer a real estate lawyer where he'd tell us about how he had to go to tenants home and serve a living conditions in one of the worst cities in the Northeast marty was also married to a woman he hated let's call her Stella Stella hated to move at all especially off the couch and were not sure if she worked or not he and Stella lived in one-bedroom condo together and had been married for only three years we don't know how they met - what they had in common but he hated her and grimace every time he brought her name up marty was an avid biker he ate only raw food so you'd hear him crunching on entire carrots and stalks of celery he had boiled eggs every day for lunch that he'd leisurely peel at his desk every day for lunch Marty would read the local newspaper babe's school meeting borough meetings church festival he read it all he drank five cups or more of coffee a day if he was having technological issues you could hear him swearing and muttering hitting the computer with his fists he had the loudest voice and being in publishing we conducted many phone interviews he was stifling one time he switched into an empty office to conduct an interview with someone and even with the door closed down the hall we heard his entire conversation Marty ended up leaving taking another job except the job actually didn't pan out we're not sure if he didn't get it and thought he had it or the place was just cz but the project he was hired for didn't happen so he ended up getting fire laid off because they're already found his replacement when he handed in his two weeks notice it's a shame really he was in so much debt from his law degree and hated the work so much he wasn't even practicing but he had the worst attitude on life and certainly wasn't pleasant but he wasn't me neither he was very punctual and extremely intelligent he wasn't the only that guy in the office either before him there was a large large large salesman Ben Ben would hang around office doorways and trap you there talking to you and Ainley about anything but usually whatever health issues he was having that week in detail he made up theme songs for our company and would sing them he wanted to record it and have it on the website he didn't smell good he was a hugger after he was fired he continued and still continues at least according to my ex coworkers to send out holiday cards about six or so years ago my company hired a new engineer who on paper was absolutely amazing his degree his employment history and his past project list of achievements was one of the most impressive I had ever seen but holy crap was he weird here is a quick recap of some of the things I can remember frequently walked around the office during normal business hours with no shoes on just his pink socks sometimes seen pulling up his shirt to wipe his mouth after eating ought to blow his nose office had a pretty standard don't go crazy with hanging things on the walls policy this guy happened to have the end cube of a row so he had a full wall which he blanketed from floor to ceiling with pictures his kid drew in art class so imagine a wall with about 128 X 11 inches finger paintings on it also did I mention he glued them to the wall and it had to be repainted when they were removed would play pinball on his laptop during project meetings sometimes getting tired and laying his face down on the keyboard to take a nap once showed up to an off-site meeting at 7 a.m. eating creamed spinach maybe not odd to anyone else but it almost made me vomit later that day we all took a break at lunch to walk around the town we were in for 30 minutes or so when we got back to the meeting he wasn't with us even though he had been following us the entire time two hours later he came walking back in because he got lost he said the reason he got separated from us was that he had seen some rose hips growing in one of the locals yards so he let himself in and proceeded to eat them eventually we fired him for I don't even remember for being crazy I guess the next day someone called in a bomb threat to the daycare across the street from our building I had a co-worker wheel call Steve Steve's job consisted of customer service quotes and project management for our small company and the construction sales industry one day the boss brings in all the stuff Phil grilling burgers and we all have a great company lunch thanks to the boss but when we're done with the frozen burgers Steve puts them in the fridge I tell him we should probably freeze those unless he's taking them home that night he says no it'll be fine dude I leave it alone fast forward one week Steve remembers the burgers in the fridge and decides to use the secretaries George Foreman grill to cook them he is taking the burgers out of the fridge and they look bad pretty much like one week and the fridge frozen beef patties would look they were a lovely shade of light gray he starts to cook them on the grill and they start to smell bad I mean the whole kitchen smelled like feet bad feet when everyone started complaining about it and telling him the meat was bad he said it was just a Styrofoam plate he was using to catch the grease off the grill the little plastic drippings tray was mere needless to say he finished cooking two burgers and scarf down a hole one before he realized maybe it didn't taste right within about 30 minutes he was in the bathroom even and ended up going home before he quit a sawed off thing happened another three times with various foods that everyone urged him not to eat he never learned I used to work with a gentleman that crap himself on a regular basis he was in his 50s and looked about 70 and always stunk off weed smoke and but we used to time how long he had between washing sometimes it was up to three months we could smell him at the opposite end of the building he once had what could only be described as a collusion in the bathroom and attempted to clean up after himself but what he actually achieved was to further smear the fecal matter around with a filthy bog brush he would have gotten away with it except he was the only person in the loo and we work in a high-security building with access passes to get in everywhere and the next person in was a manager who just looked at who was last in the bathroom he admitted it they made him clean it properly he also once requested to go home and change after crapping himself when he sneezed he was told to wash change and come back but didn't return all day the next day when he returned he still hadn't washed as he stunk and his hair was still greasy when asked why he didn't return to work it turned out that he had sneezed in the car crap himself again and it shot out the top of his trousers and up the seat and he spent all day cleaning the car inside sales as well worked with a guy with a few quirks one quoted Yoda in Yoda's voice to a ton of people who could care less about geek culture to bragged about watching the Battlestar Galactica series something like seven times he shouted amateur to the VP of corporate sales at the Christmas party and response to part of the VP's speech where the show was mentioned then kept talking about it to our table for 15 minutes three brags about his wife who he met online who weighs 350 plus lbs easily and once got red-faced angry when a photo of said woman went missing in a cubicle move what kind of sick freak would steal a photo of my wife yes what sick freak indeed for shadow boxed every time BJJ got brought up it looked ridiculous and he couldn't fight a 13 year old for lunch money 5 always overemphasized everything like he was an expert on everything he was an expert at nothing six I once flipped a tootsie roll pop up sitting down in a candy glass he had the next day it was righted I kept doing this for months seven he spouted the corporate message constantly even after being caught dialling the time zone phone number 20-plus times a day to keep his dials up he kept his job by brown-nosing hardcore 8 he was fat and his chair had so much dandruff on it that it looked like snow 9 turned ten minute meetings into 40 minute meetings by yapping uselessly on things he couldn't change booyah that guy 10 did I mention the yellow dove thing sounds like VP needs to watch more battle stir and not M Burris himself we had this total CEO of a supervisor at my first job when I finished college she would scream at people in front of the entire office send out nasty emails to people and see see everyone and any one of them and then would cry to HR that people misunderstood her whenever anyone would complain about her he didn't help either that or her mother was a close friend of her supervisor that she started her career as a hairdresser this was an IT department and that she would often leave the office for no reason at all for hours on end then come back and scream at us that nothing was getting done of course though she was the only one with keys to different buildings and we couldn't work on anything without her approval first the icing on the cake was when I was assigned to set up a new computer lab told her what I thought would be the best way to do it had the idea dismissed by her completely and then was fired two weeks later because you don't know what you're doing and have no place working in IT C will call him Jerry because that was his name raging coffee breath spent all day looking up speaker wiring diagrams for his speaker building hobby was incorrect about every work-related thing he ever said ever ever was so argumentative that he made one of the clients cry regularly told other team members to freak the Frick off Frick for simply disagreeing with them nicknamed fight or flight because that's what he inspired in others last I heard he was Custis RV tech support for some terrible good riddance you have been visited by the holy dagger like and subscribing magnificent person [Music]

Channel: Updoot

Views: 147,639

Rating: 4.8638549 out of 5

Keywords: that guy, that girl, that guy at the office, that guy in the office, that girl at the office, weird, weird people, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap

Id: OW7RHIV4gc8

Length: 54min 46sec (3286 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 29 2020